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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> >> My husband's going to speak after me, so I just want to make sure I don't suck up the whole time, cuz that's who I am. I'm really selfish, and I like all of you to pay attention to me.

Um, just kidding. Not really. But, it took me a long time to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that I was an alcoholic.

Um, who wants to admit that when you first come in here? Probably none of you. Or maybe, I don't know.

I was not one of them. Um, but I'm going to let God step in here at some point. I'm just going to sort of go through the you know, my experience, and hopefully my strength and hope will definitely come through my higher power, so that one of you can hear something.

Um, or if not, I just get to remind myself why I'm here and and what my purpose is. Um But yeah, I mean, I had a a very I was around alcoholism my whole life. Um and I was introduced to AA when I was 16, but had really no idea or desire to join or be part of.

Um Cuz I wasn't as bad as all of you. And I didn't have the same stories as all of you. And my story, you know, was so unique.

And I was just so different. Um which really didn't end up being the case. My experience was was more just for me to be able to pass that on and hopefully to have another woman identify with it.

And then we could, you know, build the solution through God together. That's sort of what I found now. Um But my experience with drinking and where I really started to find out that I was powerless over alcohol came in um when I was It was back in 2010.

And I had like thrown this huge surprise birthday party. And it was a cocktail party in Harpswell. I don't know if any of you know where Harpswell is, but it's like this really little place.

And it takes It's like a half an hour away from town, which is where like a Hannaford is. Um so, it's not very classy. It's not like exciting.

But no one did what I wanted them to do that night. So, I drank at them. And I got so intoxicated at 20 that I wound up at a bar and left my 15-year-old brother at this party.

Um That I was his I was his can at this point and I I don't remember anything for the next few days because I was withdrawing from alcohol. And that's and that still wasn't enough for me and he was really scared being left home alone with all these other people who he had no idea who they were. But I did slow down on drinking at this point.

Um and I was just controlling it. I was kind of like the guy in the big book who, you know, had this engagement to be kept and so he's not going to drink until, you know, the 25 years later and the carpet slippers come out and then he's off and running and doesn't even remember anything. So that's kind of how my story goes is I start to control try to control my drinking but the last time you know, my last drunk was me trying to control my drinking and it it couldn't happen anymore.

Like I couldn't not get drunk and I couldn't not get drunk to the point of blacking out and not remembering things and at this point it was the last straw for the place that I was living. And um I was told that I either needed to do the 12 steps or find another place to live. Well, finding another place to live looked really great and doing the 12 steps did not.

>> >> And so who wants to hear that you need a spiritual solution? Probably none of us. Cuz what does that even mean?

Like what do you mean I need a spiritual solution? Like I got this. I'm doing it.

Um and and so I'm still not really admitting that I'm I'm powerless over alcohol. I'm really not getting it. I don't want to but I'm doing it anyway.

I'm going to the steps and I was on my fourth step and I'm writing resentments about my boyfriend who's controlling my drinking and telling me that I cannot have X amount of drinks because he doesn't like the way I behave. Red flag, you know, like so I'm starting to realize like oh, and how did I get into this relationship in the first place? Let's rewind.

I was blacked out when we met. He had just gotten out of jail for an OUI. Knight in shining ARMOR, LIKE HELLO, LIKE HEY, LET'S HANG OUT, like you are exactly what I want.

And so our relationship progressed this way and we I did not stay sober throughout this entire relationship, but he was mad at me for my drinking. Yeah, well, um So, you know, I'm like I'm reading all this to my sponsor and she's like you are totally one of us. Like what?

Like I like, you know, do cuz it we are self-diagnosed. We have to have a desire to stop drinking to come in here. So, she's like, do you at this point have a desire to stop drinking?

I was like, yeah, I do. >> >> And it's funny now, but like I was so I gung-ho on controlling and like being in power. Like being powerless for me was not something I was willing to admit.

Uh um And and so, you know, and I have I have a lot more experience that I could share like um you know, I got arrested at 15 for shoplifting. That could have been a red flag. Um you know, whatever, just all sorts of things, but um funny story is that my 5-year class reunion was last week and so I think like now being in AA like oh, maybe I have a purpose to go here.

I can make some amends or I could show up and the last time I talked to some of these women now that were in my class was another party I threw that girls were not doing or you know, men whatever, people were not doing what I wanted them to do. And so, I like lack of power has always been my dilemma. I just never realized it.

So, I threatened them all with a butcher knife and told them all to get out of my house, but what I really meant was stay and have fun. But what I what I was doing was not that. And then when they weren't doing what I wanted them to do, which I'm sure was probably confusing, um I you know, I took the knife on myself.

And so, that scared, you know, a lot of my 15-year-old friends. And and now they won't talk to me. And I you know, I'm sitting there like, "Oh, yeah." And like with a clear frame of mind, like I probably really harmed those people.

And it's probably best that I don't try to make amends to them and back off. But like so so, I definitely am powerless over alcohol. My life absolutely became unmanageable.

And and when I you know, finally got in here, I I was hopeless. I I was I was finally beaten down. And um And it was a spiritual and emotional hopeless for me.

I didn't you know, I didn't have one of those like low bottoms. I didn't really lose All my family members were kind of distant at that point anyway. And um And I didn't have a lot to lose, you know, I had a car that I had for a long time.

And I was still driving that. Um so, I didn't It was more like internally it got to the point where I was just broken. And I was really alone.

And I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody. And um cuz I had shut them all out again. Cuz I That was kind of my goal at one point.

I was like, "Well, if I don't have to deal with you, I'll be okay." And so, I kept you all out here. Um And they never knew my truth. And I could never talk to you about my truth because I was so delusional cuz I continued to believe my own lies.

And um and this is where my God came in. And it's, you know, my God conscience was like right all the way down in my belly and it was this little voice and it said, "You need to call the one person that you don't want to call." And this one woman was in AA and she had a spiritual solution and she was sponsoring women and she every time I'd come to her with my problems and my woes, she'd say, "Wow, you know, like you she always have the silver silver lining." I don't even know what it was cuz I didn't even get it. But I called her and you know, I'm like, "I am I am hopeless.

I am powerless. I don't know what to do. I can't move on." Like I was to the point where I couldn't even like get in my car to go home cuz I was like and I had I was leaving a meeting.

This is my whole point. And I was just like, "I don't know what to do. I I don't know what to do." She's like, "Well, first of all, you definitely got alcoholism.

And second of all, you need a sponsor." So these are all things that I still I'm like "Why do I keep getting directed to this program?" Um and she was like, "I have a number for you. Call this woman, meet up with her for coffee and and let me know how it goes." So I met up with her for coffee and she didn't tell me any of what I wanted to hear. She um she definitely explained a spiritual malady to me and how uh I I was very selfish and that I continued to do things based on self and it put me in harm's way and then I had a choice whether or not I wanted to do that anymore.

And I I I had never heard that before. I just thought that and what I didn't realize was that was all insanity is I thought that I was stuck in that cycle. And I thought that by being doing the same things over and over and over again, that eventually I'd get a different result, but it it never was going to happen.

Um And so, she offered me a different way to live. And so, I ended up switching sponsors um shortly after I went through the steps with her, but but that was my first like reaching out for help and asking to live in a different way. And my the first little light of hope that I found in this program, and the first woman that I was able to be vulnerable with, and to really like breathe again.

Like I I was okay. Um And so, the second time that I went through, I went through a little more thoroughly. And this is what I really This is what I, you know, pass on, and this is what I love.

Um And in our second step, we really talked about how it's a cornerstone, and and that upon this cornerstone, we're going to build an arch to walk through. And I love metaphors. Um cuz I need visuals, and I need clear-cut directions, or else I'm going to mess it up.

Um And so, so I could get that. I could get that step one was like my solid foundation, and that my cornerstone would be God. And And this idea of God, however big, however small, whatever whatever whatever.

I I I mean, that could go on for a long time. Um But, she directed me. Like I could have spent a long time on step two and what a God is, but she was like, "Write down a few things now." I was like, "Oh, good.

Okay. Yeah, I can do that." Um And my God idea has changed, but what has remained the same for me is that I believe in it. And that I'm willing to believe in it.

And that without that, my life run my self-will is going to get me those same results, and I'm unwilling to live that way again. So, we proceeded on to step three. And um and also in step two, like I I got a whole bunch of new ideas, like a bunch of new ways to live life.

Like I wasn't going out on a vengeance anymore. Um I was starting to gain a purpose. And much more relaxed and calm, like her husband laughs now, but she He's like, "When I first met you, you were off-the-wall erratic.

Like you No one could be around you. You're just so loud." And And he's like, "Now, you know, like you take a breath and you're calm, and And that's great, cuz that person was not me. That was like a character that if, you know, just that face that I needed to put on to keep you out here.

And today I don't want to do that. Today I, you know, try really hard to be vulnerable and and to share a lot of the things that are going on with me, even if that's saying like, "I'm embarrassed and I was wrong," which I have to do often with my husband, cuz he's also in this program. So, um you know, he tells me all the time like, "Stop trying to be so cool.

You're not." I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I'm not." Like >> >> I don't know why I need to be, you know, why do I try to be cool? It's cuz I'm scared.

Um And so, in order for me to really let go of my will and my my thoughts and to have God direct me, I have to, you know, continue to surrender. And that's all part of step one. I think all the steps are kind of intertwined, but I have to really, you know, think about what what it is that I who it is I want to be, because the reason I got in here was because I crossed all of my own moral lines.

So, I I will never do this. I'm doing it. Then I'm doing it often.

Well, I will never do this on a Friday. Um and then I'm doing it on a Friday. Like I just never had any guidelines in my life or or knew how to live.

I was uh Yeah, I was a mess. So, that's why the God idea really works for me. Um cuz it is baseline, clear-cut, and and I agree with them.

And so, in my fourth step, um there were some things in there from my past and my childhood and things that in you when I was really young, like five, that I didn't even realize I was doing. Um that I was I was really ashamed of. And before I even started writing my fourth step, my sponsor told me a lot of her fifth step stuff.

And I was like, "Yeah, okay. I have all those same things. So, I am absolutely all right to write about this and see what my truth is." Um but before that, I was really scared and I didn't share some of those things with my first sponsor.

And I didn't realize and I was lucky to to get back into it so quickly cuz um cuz I I do believe had I not been able to share that, I would have been sick still. Cuz any secret I keep is just something for me to build off of. Um and again, like I Pain is my motivator.

I do not want to be in spiritual pain anymore. So, so I go through my, you know, my resentments and I'm mad at a lot of people and I'm I have a lot against myself, a lot against the actions and and the woman that I was and um And the truth most of the time was like I just wasn't being who I wanted to be. I wasn't you know, I I was selfish.

I was trying to get my way over and over and over and over again and it just never happened. Um And then fears, I had a lot of fear, and every time um you know, we got we got down to the the core of them, and it's like fear that I'll drink. And if I drink, I'm to die.

And if I'm to die, I don't know, and that there is no God. So, every time my baseline fear was that there is no God, there's not a plan for me, and I'm screwed. Well, if I trust and rely upon God, is that real?

No. And did I ever? No.

Um so so throughout this process, it's all about gaining that trust with a higher power and starting to live a different way. And um and again, it's something I believe in. Something I I try to practice often.

Uh daily, you know, in all situations. And I'm starting to see that I am able to do that now. And in my as for my sex inventory, um so if on my first sex inventory, I I was very bare-bones about it.

I was like, oh, yeah, you know, I had these boyfriends, whatever. Well, when my sponsor explained to me that it was how I conducted myself as a woman, I had a whole lot of people in the harms done column. Um I caused a lot of harm to many different people, to men and women, to even, you know, to my father.

And that you know, that's some serious truth to to start to see. But if I don't see that, I'm not going to be able to to not live that way. So, in um in looking through all that, like I And And all I really had to do was copy and paste the nine questions and just change the first name.

Like it was all the same. My conduct was over and over and over and over. Um but what I thought was really cool after that was I got to make a sex ideal of who I wanted to be and what I was looking for in a relationship.

And I have a pet owner ideal now. I have a employer ideal. I have a sponsor ideal.

I have all sorts of these ideals that I'm able to live my life by and they're ever changing, you know. Um but again, without some like consistency and structure in my life, like I'm a mess. And um and I love Well, I don't love, but my character defects come up often for me.

I don't know about anybody else, um but for me they are really sometimes blatantly obvious. And it's always been a pain that I'm willing to look at them. Um but I I was also told that the more I practice them, the less God can remove them.

And so sometimes it takes me 47 times to practice the same character defect until I realize that I need to ask for it to be removed, but humility is one of my big character defects. I have a lot of pride. Um and for me to get humble and for me to get humble with somebody else and for me to get humble with God is just you know, and that's what that fifth step is.

So, admit to yourself, to God, and to somebody else the exact nature of your wrongs. Um and sometimes I I don't those three parts they're I don't know. Sometimes I feel like they're optional, but they're not.

And so, um and yeah. Step seven, yeah. So, that humility for me has just been something um it God absolutely removed all of my defects that were detrimental to society.

And I'm grateful for that. Uh but there's a lot of other things that sort of made me up, you know, I had a lot of like I said like pride like I am constantly thinking about how you're thinking of me. That comes up for me all the time.

How is this person viewing you in this situation? Um and some of the big things for me that come out of that uh are you know, selfish and dishonest and abandonment and loneliness and fear and you know, all these things just like they they'll come up now and I I didn't even realize that they were there and a lot of them came up at my wedding. I had a lot of unresolved resentment against my dad um and I had no idea and I had already made amends to my dad and so even in recovery I went right back to that little girl who was defensive and I was protecting myself again and I was unable to be vulnerable and have humility and just say like I'm scared.

Like I'm embarrassed or um you know, just those simple conversations is and I was trying to protect myself. Um and so so I'm really grateful for for all of these experiences to to keep me growing to keep me learning to keep me getting rooted in my truth and and a lot of the time my truth is my God. Um and becoming willing to make amends.

I I like I said I made a lot of my amends um pretty early on. And and now like I'm at a point in my relationship with my dad where you know, he's unwilling to hear an amends from me from my behaviors on my wedding day. Um but as for my relationships with my mom and my brother and even, you know, ex-boyfriends and their families, like I never realized in like I said in the harms done category, like who who is affected by this?

There was a lot of people in some of those relationships that I really had no idea. Like parents or um you know, at a Christmas party and I was really embarrassing. Uh and so, did it go out to make amends to all of them?

No, but some of them I felt like I had really directly harmed. And and I've been able to make amends to them and be part of their life and that's a huge gift. Um and and I think that making amends and your character defects, like to be vulnerable and humble to admit your wrongs to these people, you're less likely to start practicing those same defects in in your current relationships.

And I think that that's really special that we're able to do that. Um cuz that's that's where a lot of the magic happens is families can be put back together, relationships can be built, new ones can be built. Um and and all of that is God's work.

And step 10 is just a cool little way to wrap up four through nine. And sometimes if I'm really on it, I can just go right through it and I don't know any anybody at the apology, but do I do that all the time? No.

Um sometimes it takes me a couple of days to realize that, but there was um I have a really cool step 10 story that ag- again, all this humility and pride and I One of my character defects is my looks. And I've been told I have looks that can kill. Which at first was kind of funny for me.

And now being in recovery, like that's not the woman who I want to be. I don't want to give you a dirty look and and make you feel bad. Cuz then that makes me feel bad for practicing that.

So, I felt my face contort towards this woman. And she's a she's a mutual friend. She's a friend of mine, but she did not have the right answer to when my wedding was.

And I was like, What? You should know. And um And so that night came up like I owe her an apology.

I don't want to be that person. And when I called her about it, I was like, you know, I I feel so I owe you an amends. I don't want to be this person.

I want to be loving and kind to you and honor relationship. And she was like, "I didn't even realize that you did that." I was like, "Oh man, you know how hard it was for me to be that vulnerable and like that humbled you?" Um But it was good cuz I needed to I needed to clean that up. Or else I I wouldn't be able to sleep that night.

And And so like that for I mean, that level of truth is so important for me today. Cuz that's just another one of those secrets I would have just continued to act upon when I had no idea. Um And And yeah, I love like I've I'm homeless right now.

I'm home group-less, I should say. And so like I'm starting to get connected down here in the Portland area. And it's pretty cool how I don't really have to do much.

Like there's women in my life who just come in at exactly the right time and I was just asked to facilitate a woman's retreat on step 12. And so I I really love step 12. I love there's three parts to it and I love that in order to have had a spiritual awakening we had to be asleep at some point and to practice all of these principles in our affairs we have to start to know what they are.

So that's why you go through the 12 steps. With each step there's a principle. And so her and I are going through this and you know we're really excited and we're fired up about it and like how how to practice these principles in all of our affairs cuz I find that it's so like I love working with other women.

I love sponsoring other women. I love connecting with fellow women in this program. And it it's just awesome to have that mutual relationship.

But to practice them in all of our affairs where no one's looking is sometimes a different story like am I always picking up the trash when I miss the trash can? You know simple things like that or giving the giving money back. Um when somebody gives me the wrong change but just being aware that those are part of me now is such a miracle cuz that definitely wasn't who I used to be and I had no idea how to do that.

Um but I right about at the end of time and I just want to say thank you to Krista for asking me to come and share and hopefully you guys heard God tonight and uh hopefully I wasn't too much in the way. I don't know. Thanks.

>> THANKS FOR SHARING. >> >> ALL RIGHT. YEAH, MY NAME'S NATE.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. Thanks for the invite. Appreciate it.

Um Yeah, on um I know I don't have to stick to the fifth step for a full half an hour, but it's it's pretty random really. I actually just had a had a chance to do like a a makeshift fifth step with my sponsor today. I didn't plan it so that I could have something awesome to talk about either.

It just happens. Like that's what happens when I'm actively working a program. Like I let some some stuff go, you know what I mean?

Stuff that came up in nightly reviews that I didn't want to process thoroughly and the stuff sticks around, you know? So, uh that's what I do. I process it, you know?

And uh it was it doesn't have to be like a big sacred thing for me today. Like my my sponsor now lives in Texas, so we just get on the phone, you know? We cut out half an hour and we do it and I move on, you know?

I see what's going on and uh and I move on and most importantly like I take that that stuff to my higher power, you know? Like without without looking at that, without looking at like what are my glaring defects in this stuff that's going on with me that's eating me up enough for me to like, you know, need to write it out thoroughly. And then like what can I be with God's help?

Like the sky's not even the limit for me, you know? And I guess that's uh a lot of what recovery has to do for me today is that I'm a human being. Like every as far as I can tell everybody in the room looks like a human to me.

So, I think we're all in the same boat and uh but that's kind of like what I never wanted to be, you know? Never wanted to be human. That was my whole deal.

That's why I pumped stuff into my body as much and as long as I did. I didn't want to feel human. I didn't want to feel human emotions.

I didn't want to do human things and I certainly didn't want to feel human guilt, you know? That was a big piece of what drove me. Was the guilt that I felt.

And um not just guilt, but I can believe whatever lie I need to when I'm on something. And and if I'm if I'm getting drunk, and obviously like my story uh is is a lot like a lot of other people's, you know? Like I I wasn't too picky, you know?

Like if I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety, and guilt, and frustration, and nerves, if there wasn't like a like booze around, I wouldn't be picky about what I put into my body, you know? Like I wasn't going to go, "Oh, no, I'm just a I just drink." I'm all set. I'll I'll hold off on your dry goods, cuz I'm respectable alcoholic, you know what I mean?

Like that was a that was not my case. I did everything and anything that I could get my hands on, you know? Wasn't picky, ever.

Um And uh but yeah, I mean I think, you know, the the fifth step is is huge, and for me, I even felt it today, and I swear to God, I've said this every single time I read inventory to another man, this is so stupid, I don't even want to read it to you, you know? >> >> Cuz I get so much truth, like the way that I was that I was that I was brought up and taught to to write inventory as a four column deal, where by the end of it, I'm embarrassed, cuz it's so obvious, you know? Like I get to look at, you know, the first two columns I can about, you know?

Like I can say this is them and this is why, and blah blah blah, and then I get into like what is the effect, you know what I mean? Where's my my self-esteem, my emotional security, my financial security, my pride, my ambitions, all this stuff. And then, you know, I get into the point where uh I get to flip it all around, you know?

And first time I wrote inventory, I didn't uh I didn't have the experience of looking at a fourth step. It was like I got a chance to basically just about everybody I was mad at. I did two column inventory my whole life before I got into AA.

I didn't even know I was doing it. You know what I mean? I was just mad at everybody and this is why and you need to hear about it so you can end up on my harms done list because I stole your peace of mind by bitching in your ear, you know?

Like that's what I look like. Like I constantly I get mad at people, I rally the posse, and I want them to be on my side, you know, cuz that's like a part of my alcoholism also. I'm manipulative and I want to make sure that you hear my version of the story before you hear theirs so you can be on my side, you know?

And I'm talking about this stuff as like I didn't know that had anything to do with alcoholism when I first got here. Thought I had a drinking problem. I thought I drank too much and I needed to come uh not even here, but I thought I needed to go to rehab to like stop doing that.

Like end of the story, really. That was my my take on it, but uh not the case so much for me. Um You know what?

The fear of what people thought of me drove me for a lot of my life. And uh it still does to some extent, you know? I'm looking around, I'm seeing familiar faces.

I got I got a chance to speak earlier in the week and I'm like, these people already heard me. They're bored out of their minds. They're going to wait me.

But uh that's okay. I don't blame you if you do. Uh but all the same like uh All in all, if I'm vulnerable, I'm all right, you know what I mean?

I'm going to tell you guys like what doesn't work for me, why how I'm broken, you know? Like how much of a failure I've been in certain areas of my life. And I swear to God that stuff connects me with some people, you know what I mean?

Maybe not with everybody, but the people that really need to hear it. Like that's how I connected with the people that have guided me through this program, you know? With seeing their vulnerability and seeing that they were broken, you know what I mean?

Like all of a sudden I don't have to be all these things that I'm not. I'm allowed to come into AA and tell you how busted up I am and I need help. You know?

And if, you know, unfortunately like for any of us that aren't at that point why would I touch a step? I wouldn't. You know?

I mean and and that's just in all fairness to the deal like like the The steps of AA were not on my you know, my punch list when I first checked into detox. It wasn't the case for me. I thought I needed to go there, dry out, get, you know, sober or whatever that even looked like and just stop doing what I was doing.

And go back and like show everybody how great I was doing, basically. That was like my thing, you know? I wanted to uh to make sure I put my life together so that I could go back and say, "Look how good I did." That's I'm going to bounce here about like That That was my deal, too, like when I first uh when I was still a little sick after my first trip through the steps and saw, you know, I got to my list of all the people that I had harmed that I needed to go and make amends to, you know?

Wow, like just a forewarning, if your list is way long with people that you probably really don't need to see, you might want to check it out one more time with your sponsor cuz that was the case for me and I say that because there were a lot of female names on that list that I wanted to go check in with, you know what I mean? To like see so they could see how good that I was doing. And you know, boy, you got the busted up version of me, you should have the best of me now, you know?

Um but anyway, yeah. So, needless to say, as soon as I like had this monstrosity list and and I got a chance to share it with a sponsor and he's like, "Yeah, we're going to cut this by about three quarters." Like, "You're going to You're going to basically ruin more lives if you go and do this, so let's just let's get to the stuff where you really did harm." And and that was another thing. Like, I don't have the luxury of like saving my own skin at the at the cost of other people.

I did that my whole life, you know? I remember literally like being in so much emotional pain over the things that I was doing that I would kind of overflow and I would need to like basically just vent it on someone, usually the wrong person, you know? I'd have all this stuff going on and I'd tell the person, probably the one that didn't need to hear what I was about to say, I'd tell them.

And basically like drag them down with me so that I could feel a little better. You know, and then and this program has taught me that that's not the way that I do things, you know? It can't be.

Like unless I want to get right back into the spiritual sickness that drove me here in the first place. I can't do that. I can't like continue to hurt people and pretend it's okay.

Cuz there's no more delusion for me these days. Like when I hurt someone it's real and it's raw and it's obvious and I feel like a phony and all like I'm saying this cuz that's usually how it progresses, you know? And by the end of like 16 minutes of feeling that guilt that I hurt someone, I'm a phony and I don't belong in AA and I'm not qualified to speak here.

You know, like that's just how my self-destructive mind plummets downward in a hurry, you know? And what that really is is me not being honest. This really all it is.

I think that's so simple, you know? Like anybody knew that I work with, I always tell them like if you can just be honest even with me and yourself, like you've got a fighting chance at being of doing this, you know? I think that's true, you know, for a lot of us, most of us.

Anybody that uh like can have the capacity to be honest is like you know, you hear all the time like honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness will keep you around. You know? Um Good luck with the honesty, you know?

Like I said, like that's important and if you can do it, it's awesome, you know? Like I could be as honest as I could be when I was when I was first coming around. It's not the honesty that I have in my life today, I can tell you that, you know?

It's a lot different for me these days because, you know, as I've gotten more and more uh awakened to who I really am and what's acceptable for me, things have changed. You know, what I could do my first year of sobriety would probably kill me nowadays if I tried to do it, you know? And that's okay.

Like I needed all of it. I think we go through everything we need to go through to get to where we're going. I'm a firm believer in that.

Like it all happens in pieces. Cuz if I had gotten like and I it's going to keep changing. That's the cool thing.

Like I don't stand here and say like, "Wow, I'm glad I've experienced the greatest level of truth there is." Cuz it's not true. Not even close, you know? I I for a fact that like I have so much more uh to go through and things that are going to be revealed in my life and that's exciting to me cuz like there's no finish line in AA.

Uh there's no end result. It's basically like if I get to die, you know, clean and I mean soul clean, you know, like if I die with nothing on my conscience, I've done well. You know?

I mean there's really no other end result for me anyway, you know, I just need to uh to treat every day as though uh as though it it's my it could be my last, I guess you could say. And I don't deal well with like having things on my mind that I'm going to try to like forget about. Can't do it, you know?

Uh and before I, you know, go all over the place with this stuff, I just want to just back up here and tell you a little bit of like where I came from prior to realizing I was spiritually sick uh because you know, that that was the case for me as a young as a young child, you know, I don't know. Like I hear a lot of different versions and uh ways that people say it, but like there was a discomfort about my life. That's the best way I can think to say it.

There was a discomfort about me being alive um that I would never tell you about, would never show, but I um I overcompensated in a lot of ways as far back as I can remember, you know? Because like just being me and being like who I really was was not wasn't good enough, you know? And uh I always needed something more.

And obviously like my my craving for something different, something more, something exciting when I was a kid, it just turned into my use same thing. I found stuff that jacked me up quicker, you know? I found booze, I found drugs, I found all this stuff that used to look like me going to fun town.

I've heard my friend give this version of it like when he was a kid, he used to obsess for months about going to fun town and then it would happen and he's already freaking out that it's almost over on the trip there, you know? It's so true. Like that was me.

Like I'm planning the party, planning the party, planning the party, the party's happening and I'm just depressed cuz it's almost over, you know? What are we going to do? Like and I'm the guy that just won't let it go.

Like I drink until my body shuts down, you know? I'm the guy that it's like 2 days later, people have gone on with their lives and I'm still chasing that dream from Friday night and it's Monday morning now. You know what I mean?

And uh that's what I do. That's how I drink and that's not normal and whatever that word even is, I don't pretend to understand it. But I know people that can go and it believe me.

Like I don't pretend to understand it. Like I know people that can go out on Friday night, get hammered, have a great time, maybe even do some some some like stuff that wouldn't sit well with me and they're okay. They go on with their lives.

They stop drinking. Like they claim to have a hangover the next morning. For me that meant you needed to drink more.

You know, like I never dealt with hangovers. I didn't understand why people did. Like I just drank more.

It made the most sense to me, you know? Or whatever it was that I was into, I would do more, you know? I would always make sure that uh that that was the case.

But there are people that can do that. Go out, party, live it up and then uh you know, whatever. Eat a greasy breakfast and drink water all day.

I don't understand it. You know what I mean? And even still like and it talks about that in the big book, you know?

Like there's a definite difference between a hard drinker and a real alcoholic. And I think that's always important to touch on because I found a lot of camouflages with hard drinkers when I was out there, you know? Cuz like I could I had a lot of people around me that drank just like I did.

But come to find out like they didn't have the spiritual malady that I did. You know? They didn't continue to drink the way that I did.

Even though I thought they were. They drank hard. They even did some, you know, some of the other things I was into.

And somehow they managed to just like shut it down, you know? Shut it down, go on with their lives, graduate or get a real job and I'm just like lame. Like that's what I do, right?

Like someone does something really good with their lives and I'm like you're such a freaking poser, you know? You're such You're leaving me here basically. That's what it looked like, you know?

You're going to leave me here to continue to drink alone on Tuesday and you're going to go on and like have this great career. Good for you. Awesome.

>> >> And uh That's the epitome of of alcoholism is my selfishness and my soul sickness. You better not do anything good unless it involves me. I want some fringe benefits for everything that you get going on, you know?

I still do that sometimes today, you know, if I I try to like get in good with certain people cuz I know they like get free tickets or whatever it is, you know what I mean? I'm like I can still be crazy, you know? But uh all the same like I used to never I could never say like that's great.

I'm really happy for you. I just couldn't, you know? Cuz I was the victim every single day of my life.

And if you had it good like why don't I? Could never be just like good job. Great, you know?

It's always about like I don't have that. Always. Came full circle back to me.

And uh That's what I did. I obsessed about me for every single year that I was out there active. And it ultimately drove me to my knees in a point of pain that I never experienced before in my life, you know?

And that's the only reason that I got into to recovery, you know, was because I experienced that pain to the level that it was where it didn't matter what was going on around me. There was no more delusion in my head that I could be okay doing what I'm doing. They talk about it in the book as being like the jumping off point where like you can't imagine life with or without a drink.

I know that place well, you know? I did a lot of drinking without my permission, so to speak. You know, like I I remember many, many times where I was like I see for a fact that this is really really tearing my life apart.

I'm not going to do it anymore, you know? I'm not going to do it anymore. It should be that easy.

And then all of a sudden like the opportunity arises 3 hours later and I'm into it. And I you know, I can't like wait a second, but I wasn't going to do that, you know? And I had a real hard time differentiating, you know, my lack of power versus my like just, you know, coincidence.

I guess you know, it was like what it really was was lack of power but what I saw it as like coincidence and whatever. Living my life, you know? Let's live it up.

Like okay, let's do it. Why not, you know? But 3 hours later I'm saying I'm never touching it again.

You know, I spent so many days >> >> you know, multiple days you know, shaking it out totally sick, crawling back and forth in the bathtub to the bed, shaking, sweating, heating up and just trying to control that and I'm telling myself like this isn't right. You know what I mean? Like I'm literally like dying.

I can feel my heartbeat in my tongue. I'm having I'm withdrawing, you know what I mean? That's what's happening to me.

I'll never do this again. I'll never do it again, you know? And and more often than not for me it was like, well, I got to back off on the drugs.

You know what I mean? Like this is obviously what's causing this cuz like I'm sick, you know? I'm not like hungover sick.

I'm sick, you know? So I'm going to like shake those and just stick to the beer, right? And I'm right back crawling back and forth the next week, you know?

It never changed for me like and that's the thing like when I first got sober I was in a position where I was unemployable, homeless, in Lewiston, Maine. Oh, thank you. That's beautiful.

And yeah, for me I'd like never even been there, you know? I ended up there by accident basically. Ended up in rehab.

That's where my path started and uh I remember all the guys that I was living at living with at the shelter were like I got their version of AA and NA and all this other stuff, you know, which was pretty crazy as most of you have probably experienced like, oh, they're like, yeah, you can still do drugs. You just got to pick up a white chip, you know? Or you got to you can just you can still drink.

You just got to get a new key tag, you know what I mean? I was like, what? I don't understand this, you I mean?

Like I thought it was kind of all THE SAME. NO, NO, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, YOU KNOW? But uh let me just say like if that's not literal.

Like that's a bad idea. Real bad idea. Um >> >> I played that card a lot, you know, where I tried to like trade out my dry good problem for my alcohol, you know?

And it was always the same. I mean, it always led me full circle back to what I really wanted to do in the first place, whatever I got into. Um Cuz basically what happens for me is I can It doesn't even have to be one of those two things.

That's a really small pocket actually of the things I can use to escape, you know? I can get into money, I can get into relationships, I can get into anything that makes me feel exhilarated and like blind to what's really going on in my life, and that's what I want. You know, I used that stuff for a long time in my life, where like if I wasn't actively, you know, drinking, I was doing something else.

You bet you can count on it, you know? There was never a time where I could be like just doing nothing, comfortable in my own skin. There was no such thing as that.

I didn't I've never experienced that until I got into the step work, you know, in it in here. And uh >> >> You know, I remember when when uh things were getting bad for me and I was basically like every day was spent wishing people didn't care about me anymore so that I could really like drink the way I wanted to and hopefully just die. That was my plan, you know?

Um I remember landing in a detox one time and uh eventually having to face the music, you know? I like I Whatever, I slept for like 3 days and then I finally realized like, "Oh yeah, people have been looking for me for like weeks, you know?" And that whatever level of like conscience that was still left in me I I did. I had to like call.

I called my my father and I remember very clearly like cuz like I always played the card like I wasn't hurting anybody but myself and I really wanted to believe that, you know, so bad. But it wasn't true. I was tearing everybody's lives apart.

Anybody that's ever had anyone that's cared about them, I swear, everybody's affected by by this disease, you know, in some way, shape, or form. And it runs deep, you know? Uh the the people that I hurt were just people I didn't even think I was hurting, you know?

Like my parents, I said, "Just leave me alone. Let me do what I need to do. Get off my back.

Stop caring about me, basically, you know?" And I'm you know, nowadays, I couldn't even I can't even fathom like the sick nights they must have had, you know? And they were they've told me, you know, I've had a chance to go make amends with them and hear the real story of what my use did to them, and it wasn't pretty, you know? Wasn't pretty at all.

Basically tore my family apart, And uh and they got to spend night after night after night sick, worrying like, "Am I dead? Where am I? What's going on?" And uh and I called my father from this detox, and he was like, I'd never heard him shed a tear in my life, and he was crying on the other end of the phone saying like that he thought they thought I was dead.

"Where am I? We're coming." Like that, you know? Like I was like 3 4 hours away from where they lived, and they were there, you know?

Even though I'd done everything in my power to push them away, like they still cared about me enough, you know? And ultimately, that was what it was for me in the end. Like I had just a couple people left in my life that cared about me more than I cared about myself and gave me a nudge, you know?

Changed something. And like every day for me was basically spent, you know, uh trying to drink myself to death, you know, for lack of a better way to put it. Like I just didn't want to do life anymore.

It was such a hassle. And the pain was so great that I couldn't even like couldn't turn it off. There wasn't a person I could use up or something I could ingest that would turn that stuff off in my head anymore, you know?

And uh and that was my pain, you know? That was my pain that got me to a point where I was willing to do something different. And uh everybody's pain is different.

And that's a big thing. Cuz when I first came in, I listened to everybody's war stories, and I figured, "Wow, like yep, I fit with that guy, not so much with that guy. That guy's cool cuz he swears a lot from the podium." You know, like I had all these ways of judging AA, right?

Like and I'm broken. I'm the most insane I've ever been in my life and I'm in AA still trying to be the cool guy. You know what I mean?

Like rolling in on the druggy buggy like all gelled up and looking good, you know? And I'm I don't say that to like, you know, whatever. I don't mean any offense by that to anybody in here because that was what it was for me.

Like all 15 of us were spending, you know, an hour before time primping getting ready to go like and my sponsor was like he literally called me on that. He was like, "What the hell do you have to bring to the table right now? You're living in detox, you know?

You're living in a rehab." And I'm like, you know, it wasn't funny to me at the time. I was pissed, you know? Like I was angry and I mean I I had no reason not to be like he just totally took a shot at my pride.

Leveled me, you know? And like those are the people that have absolutely saved my life, you know? The the guys that are willing to shoot through my pride and level me and let me know what's really going on.

Most of the time I don't react too favorably. Nowadays I come to enjoy it a little more but like wow, like I didn't want to be around anybody that was talking about the truth when I first got in here. It was too painful to look at, you know?

But uh like I said in the beginning like honesty, truth, that is at the core of what I do today, you know? And that's what I learned in the 12 steps is like honesty, truth. Like that's at the lot of the core of what we do.

It has to be. I can't walk around and be, you know, doing one thing in one area of my life and coming in here and saying all this like good on the on the topic stuff and pretend to go home and be be okay in my own skin. It doesn't work for me.

And like uh you know, going back to like the hard drinkers or whatever, maybe that is the case for some people. I know a lot of people in AA that they don't work steps. They don't even need to.

They just go to meetings and love life and that would kill me. I I say that only because it would kill me because I did it, you know? Like I came in, I did a real half half measures version of what this is and it almost killed me.

You know, I lost my mind in recovery and I blamed it on AA, of course. Couldn't be me, you know? It's like AA doesn't work.

I haven't done a thing. I don't have a sponsor. I haven't done the steps, but AA doesn't work.

I'm still miserable, you know? I'm going to 14 meetings a week and things still aren't getting better, you know? Make me feel better.

That's like my thing, you know? Make me feel better now. I don't want to wait around.

Like let's go. And uh come to find out like I needed to do it. I needed to do all the stuff myself, you know?

And once that pain got great enough and I realized wow, I haven't even really like done anything. That's why I'm losing my mind, someone so kindly pointed out. Uh I actually I latched onto a sponsor immediately, you know what I mean?

Cuz I finally connected the dots and I I had I not had the experience I probably never would have, you know? So I say that like if you're having any type of experience that isn't awesome in the moment, I guarantee when it comes full circle and you realize wow, that happened for a reason, you know? I'm glad that happened.

I'm glad that I experienced that so that I could experience this, you know? I'm glad I suffered for so many years out there using cuz I'd never be able to sit here tonight, you know? It's just the way it goes.

Like had I been I believe that too. Like had I had like a whatever normal life and was out not drinking, not using, just being all right and I still I know for a fact that I wouldn't be as happy as I am today working a program of AA. I wouldn't be, you know?

The level of truth and honesty that I get to have in my life today is just beyond my wildest dreams. Like I I have nothing in my system today that can make me stay awake at night. And I don't mean that like in form in pill form.

I mean that like in stuff that used to keep me up, guilt, you know? Guilt, shame, remorse, like feeling bad about something, feeling like a fraud. I lied, you know?

Like that stuff I can't have that going on today. I just can't. And uh I need to look at it and I need to deal with it.

And uh I don't have to. Well, I got you know, I have to. It's not a mandatory thing.

That's the cool piece too with AA. Like everything really you know, they say it's optional. It really is in terms of like, you know, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to.

But like, if you want to get well, you have to, you know? Uh that's been my experience, but you know, but then again, like I don't know. I don't know what anybody needs and I don't pretend to know what everybody needs.

I'm a firm believer that like the the power that's at work here is God. It's not me, it's not people, it's not anything like that, you know? It's not meetings.

And I've seen experiences where like, when someone's done, someone's beaten, someone's ready to change their lives, there's absolutely nothing that a sponsor can do to mess that up. They will do it. They will change, you know?

Cuz God's in their pocket and they're ready to go. You can't You can't create that for another person. No human can create that, you know?

So, I say I say that because if you have pain and you're ready to strike while the iron's hot, do it, you know? Do it because if you have a mind like mine, eventually, quicker than later, your head will be like, you were probably making too big of a deal of that. You're probably not really an alcoholic, you know?

You probably just had a few bad ones. You should just go back out and try it out again, you know? Your friends miss you.

Like whatever my head needed to tell me to like get me back out there, there I was, you know? Over and over and over and over again, my my friends were the first ones to just tap me on the back and be like, you're not an alcoholic. You know?

Like why'd you even go to detox? I don't even understand that, you know? But they obviously didn't understand where I was coming from.

So, when I come in here and I get a chance to connect with real alcoholics on the level that I suffer alcoholism, it is beautiful, you know? It's beautiful. I love connecting on the level of the heart with people that understand where I'm coming from and where I want to go, you know?

And people that don't speak my language, that's okay, too. I don't have to like, you know, we don't all have to be like doing the same things. That'd be crazy judgmental of me to think that we do, you know?

But I do believe that like the core of AA is step work, you know? And for me there's no way around that. And the reason that we do step work is to get connected to God.

And what God looks like for me today is truth and honesty, you know? Um me being accountable for my actions. Like I can't do things and blame them on anybody else.

I can't say that you made me do that anymore, you know? Like I used to drink at people, you know? I would get so pissed off that I'd be like planning my own funeral like every week, you know?

And like they'll be sad. And I I've heard that said since like I'm you know, they're way too selfish. Like the only way I would ever kill myself is that if I could come back and watch how many people were sad at my funeral, you know?

And it's a morbid topic to be funny about, but it's true, you know? I mean, suicide was real for me at the end. I wanted it.

I wanted out, you know? But um there was still that level in me that that little level of conscience that was like I could still see the pain in my family and people that cared about me, you know? And that's the stuff like I just wanted off so bad.

I wanted to turn that off. And uh So yeah, I mean I'm not going to go word for word through every step, but what I can say is that um you know, having a sponsor qualify me for alcoholism in my first step was vital for me to make a start, you know? I needed him to sit me down and literally walk me through the big book.

Read me the big book, you know? And point out what's going on here. Like this is your malady.

This is how screwed you really are is basically what it looked like, you know? And uh cuz I had had that had had that not happened for me, there would be no reason for me to want to dive into the steps and go forward, you know? I was well aware.

And you know, I've heard it said many times by other other people like uh the end result of my first step is that I saw, you know, yeah, I'm powerless over alcohol. That's kind of the easy part. My life being unmanageable, I don't really understand that until I'm really really looking at that and seeing, wow, I do a lot of totally insane, crazy things as a result of this disease." Has very little to do with me drinking, you know?

Most of the chaos that precedes me drinking is the reason I sit here. They talk about that peculiar mental twist, you know? The phenomenon of craving.

What that looks like for me in a dumbed-down version is like when I get one little sip of booze in my system, something cranks on and it's like this clenching at the top of my throat, you know, where I need more. Like it's got to happen. I need more, more, more, more.

You know, and there's really no off valve to that. I've never once figured out how to turn that off, and that's why I'm here tonight, you know? Um And it for me, too, like once the obsession locked in, you know, cuz like I was on my way to drinking far before I ever actually gotten gotten and even in the vicinity of drinking, you know?

Like my head, once it locks in, once it switches over, you know, that that mental thing, that mental phenomenon where my mind all of a sudden says like, "You're going to drink." Nobody Nobody will know it, you know what I mean? But once my head clicks over and says like this is happening, it's like I'm on death row and it's a matter of time. I don't know when or how, but it's going to happen, and I know it.

Like I'm not done. I know I'm not done, and I'm going to drink. And all it really takes something like crazy or convenient for to fall into my way, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, good idea, you know?" Cuz my mind's already made up.

It's made up way before I drink. And uh so for me it was really like I needed to see that like my mind is just as sick and as my body, you know? Um But again, like the the biggest thing is like getting a sponsor, you know?

The weight of the world is off was off my shoulders as soon as that happened. Cuz all of a sudden I had someone to guide me through this thing. Just show me what it was all about, you know?

Teach me. And basically, you know, me saying that I didn't know and no longer trying to pretend like I did, you know? That's the worst thing.

Like there's nothing worse than being a in AA feeling like you want to show everybody that you've got it all together, but you're really just falling apart. But you're still too proud to say I need help, you know? I'll figure it out.

I'll figure it out. I don't need to let them know that I'm falling apart. I'll figure it out and then we'll just move on, you know?

And uh vulnerability is key, you know? As soon as you can make the switch to say you know, I need some help. I don't know what I'm doing.

Something's got to change. Any of those things that basically would shatter your pride and your ego before coming in here, those are good things, you know? Really good things.

Um cuz I mean my ego was just out of control when I got in here. You know, I I just said I said this the other night and I I just thought I was like I thought I was the coolest person on the planet. And I basically you know, thought I judged everybody all the time.

All the time, you know? And uh and that's a huge defect for me today that I don't want to be. I don't want to be that judgmental guy, you know, that's judging people.

Cuz you know what happened? Like as I got a chance to write an inventory and get honest some of my biggest fears were the actual defects that I was practicing in my life. You know?

I judge people, so therefore I'm terrified of being judged. I'm a cheater, so I'm scared you're going to cheat on me, you know? I lie, so I assume that everybody around me is lying to me, too.

And uh so honestly, call it karma, call it what you will, but like when I started to put good energy out into the universe, started to you know, live my life in a different way with the help that I learned in the principles of these steps all of a sudden like I wasn't paranoid about being screwed over anymore, being punked, you know, having the wool pulled over my eyes by someone. All of a sudden like I'm able to just be myself and be okay. And for me prior to coming in here, that's not something that I experienced, you know?

Um being comfortable in my own skin. I heard someone say that when I was in detox and that's what really set the hook for me that I needed to look into this. Like he said he was comfortable in his own skin now and he wasn't before.

And I knew what that felt like. I didn't know cuz a lot of that like a lot of that stuff in the big book that my sponsor helped me to paint myself in there and look at. I had all that feelings and I knew exactly what it was.

I just needed to connect it, you know? I needed him to help me connect it to the book and to see that like that's exactly what I felt, you know? I could never put a word on it, but that's it, you know?

And that's my experience and that's what happened for me. So, I'm a big advocate for AA. It saved my life, you know?

The step work saved my life and people being willing to help me when I couldn't help myself saved my life. And ultimately, you know, being introduced to a to a higher power, God, whatever you want to call it. What What God looks like for me today is that my conscience is on steroids and I'm no longer able to live in delusion, you know?

That's a pretty good deal. Call Figure it out however you want. Like as far as I'm concerned, every version of God ties back to the same basic principles and they're in the steps.

So, if you do the steps, there's a pretty good chance that you're going to have a real good start. Um cuz you know what that's going to be. I don't even have an idea today.

I don't know what God is. I don't pretend to. I do know that God is in relationships though and God is in love.

And with that stuff going on in my life, I feel damn good. You know, when I'm trying to do things for other people and to pack into the stream of life in a positive way, that's big stuff for me. And that's how I feel God.

I can't sit in a vacuum and hope that I connect to greater levels of spirituality, you know? I've had guys call me that I'm sponsoring and say like, "I think I want to experiment with LSD to really get to know God better, you know?" And I'm thinking, "Go for it, man. If you really feel like that's the way to do it, but I If you're going to help someone, I guarantee you'll get a better result, you know?" And it's usually the truth.

God's not in a pill. God's not in chemicals. God is in people, you know?

And I say that because like you never know what battle someone's fighting and even just being kind to other humans will make you feel good at the end of the day, you know? Not thinking about what I need to feel okay all day, every day is a really good thing, you know? Um cuz it's all taken care of.

Come to find out like there's no amount of worry that can make sure I'm going to be okay for the rest of my life. So, if you feel that way, just keep living here, helping people, and and get hooked in with a sponsor that's going to show you how to walk this thing, you know? That will close.

Thanks. >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>