My Big Book Was Just for Show – AA Speaker – Cookie S.
AA speaker Cookie S. shares her journey from wealthy privilege to hitting bottom—and how reading the Big Book saved her life in recovery. A story of surrender and transformation.
Cookie S. grew up wealthy in Minnesota, but alcoholism didn’t care about her privileged background. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through decades of drinking driven by achievement and perfectionism, a rape she carried shame about for years, multiple suicide attempts, and the moment she realized her Big Book—which she’d kept “just for show”—was actually her lifeline. At 40+ years sober since October 1983, Cookie shares how working the steps and sponsoring others through the Big Book pulled her back from the edge.
Cookie S., an AA speaker with over 40 years of sobriety, details her descent from a wealthy, achievement-driven life into alcoholism and multiple suicide attempts. She describes how she kept her Big Book as a display piece for years until she discovered it held the actual solution she needed. Her talk emphasizes the importance of genuinely working the steps, sponsorship, and the Big Book’s specific instructions rather than just attending meetings.
Episode Summary
Cookie S. opens with a story that breaks every stereotype about AA. Born into wealth and privilege in Minnesota—country clubs, fancy parties, a childhood of “yes, you can accomplish anything”—she seemed like the last person who would become an alcoholic. Yet alcoholism, as she says, is an equal opportunity destroyer.
The talk begins with her earliest memory of alcohol’s effect: watching a glamorous woman in a blue sequined gown sip a martini at her parents’ party. Something inside young Cookie was mesmerized. By 13, she’d stolen a cigarette holder and liquor from the family cabinet, made herself a warm glass of gin, and experienced what the Big Book describes—something happened. For Cookie, it was the silencing of a relentless inner voice that told her she’d never be good enough. She wasn’t an alcoholic *after* that first drink; she knew she was one *before*.
What follows is the classic arc: sports fell away, school was dropped, money made access easy. She fell in love at 18, but her boyfriend was killed in a jeep accident before they could marry. The emotional devastation pushed her deeper into drinking. She married a man who drank more than she did, started a successful business (in an era when women weren’t in her field), and acquired all the trappings of success—fancy homes, cars, yachts, a jet. Yet none of it touched the obsession.
Then came the rape—a traumatic assault she carried silent shame about for years, blaming herself for what she wore, what she said. She attempted suicide afterward. Later, after years of drinking while taking multiple prescription medications, disabled from a car accident, living in a silk bathrobe with cigarette burns, jaundiced from liver failure, crawling across her Persian rug to drink and vomit—Cookie finally called out to God: “If there is a God, please let me die.”
Her father showed up at the door that day and took her home. In treatment, she attended her first AA meeting. She was told she was powerless, insane, needed a Higher Power, and had to work steps. “I can read,” she says. “I’m not stupid.” So she wrote down the steps from the wall and started sponsoring people within months—while her Big Book sat on display, unread.
At three and a half years sober, gorgeous again, “doing everything right,” Cookie unraveled. She was suicidal in a room full of meetings, still dying of alcoholism, because nobody had told her what the actual solution was. Then she picked up a Grapevine magazine and read an article about ego dying in sobriety. Something shifted. She looked at her Big Book—the one she’d kept “just for show”—and it told her: *Read this like your life depends on it, because it does.*
She followed the directions exactly. When it said pray, she prayed. When it said write, she wrote. She made the resentment list and asked an old-timer (Joe from Joe & Charlie) what to do when she couldn’t think of anybody she resented. His answer: “Put yourself on the head of the resentment list.” That key saved her life.
From there, Cookie got serious about step work. She sponsored other women, they went through the Big Book together, they did the steps, they made amends. Life improved—and then it got hard again. More surrenders came: a betrayal in a relationship, her father’s cancer, her own cancer diagnosis (Stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsil), a public divorce during her treatment.
Through it all, what she found was not God sparing her pain, but God giving her people—a fellowship that showed up. During her radiation therapy, friends organized a 24-hour care schedule. Sponsees and old-timers and people she barely remembered helping all arrived to love her back to health. She survived the surgery and kept her voice.
Now, retired from her business, living with her mother (whom she adores), Cookie carries the message through sponsorship and speaking. She emphasizes that the Big Book isn’t decoration—it’s the actual instructions for recovery. The steps aren’t abstract concepts; they’re actions. Sponsorship isn’t casual coffee dates; it’s taking someone through the book and the steps. And the fellowship—the people—are the proof that recovery works.
Her message is direct: alcoholism doesn’t care where you came from. It will destroy the rich and the poor, the privileged and the broken, equally. But so will the solution, if you actually use it.
Notable Quotes
Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. And it doesn’t really care where you came from or how much money you have or don’t have or if you’re black or white or Catholic or Jewish or Buddhist or if you have the illness of alcoholism. You get to die of the same desires or you get to recover together with us.
When alcoholics drink, something happens. The effect is so elusive that after a while, we cannot differentiate the true from the false. To us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one.
I was sitting there and I’m thinking about that and all of a sudden this thought goes through my head: You better read the big book like your life depends on it because it does.
There will come a time in your sobriety when there’s a piece of your ego dying off because it is no longer necessary and it’s trying to take you with it.
That woman saved my life. And I’m always hoping that for any of you that don’t know that there’s a big book and there is a way out and that you don’t ever have to drink again.
We’re a fellowship. We’re people that care about each other. You loved me back to health and that’s what we’re a part of.
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Big Book Study
- Sponsorship
- Step 12 – Carrying the Message
- Hitting Bottom
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Um, okay. First, let me get through with the thank yous because if I don't do this, I always forget and then I'm mad at myself forever. So, I would like to thanks Rex and David, our chair and co-chair of this wonderful roundup.
It's a lot of work. And all of the committee members, thank you so much for all that you do. Um, I I appreciate it and I'm sure everyone else does here, too.
And my lovely hostess, Penny, who's terrified to be sitting up here. Send her some love. And I have a lovely gifts I have in my room.
They called me up and asked me what I wanted and that's what they gave me and it was really cool. What a wonderful idea. That was just great.
So, okay. And let's see what else. Oh, I want to thank Roger and the tapers.
I wouldn't be here without tapes. Um, I lived on them for years. So, okay, I'm ready now.
Hi, my name is Cookie and I'm an alcoholic. >> And through the grace of God and the 12step program of recovery from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not found it necessary to take a drink since October 25th, 1983. I don't know if that impresses you, but it impresses the heck out of me.
Okay. Um, I'm getting here. Really, I am.
Uh, okay. So, um, you know, it was really funny. One time I was going to do one of my first talks and I I called my sponsor and I said, "I really want to carry the message and I want to do a good job and I want to tell them that God is and and I want them to know that they never have to drink again and and I, you know, it's really I I really want to do a good job." And she said, "Well, Cookie, um, you were at that roundup last year.
Do you remember the speakers?" And I said, 'Well, I uh um uh um was one of them a woman? And she said to me, "Well, that's about how many people are going to remember you, so don't worry about it." So, uh then the other thing I always worried about because I've gained a bunch of weight and so, so I'm standing up here and I'm thinking, "Oh, what am I going to wear?" you know, I just haven't got anything to wear right now. And then I realized that most of you only see me from about a year up.
Oh, okay. I was born a rich white child. And uh and from that, and I love to talk about this part of my story because it's it's very different from a lot of speakers.
And because that's different does not make me different. It's just that my lifestyle was different. I was brought up in a family who loved and cared for me.
I was told I could accomplish anything I ever wanted to accomplish. Um, I have a older brother and a younger brother and I was the middle kid and I was a super achiever. I wanted to be the good girl.
I wanted to grow up to be just like my mom. My mom's a lady and I wanted to be a lady just like my mom. And so all of those things you don't hear about a lot.
Uh, people telling their stories in AA. But the one thing I do know today is that alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. And it doesn't really care where you came from or how much money you have or don't have or if you're black or white or Catholic or Jewish or Buddhist or if you have the illness of alcoholism like I have the essence of alcoholism.
You get to die of the same desires or you get to recover together with us. So we're here tonight and this is our night and I'm so glad you're here. Makes my day.
So okay. Um I was started out and I remembered one time I was talking to my girlfriend and we had just we were both about oh I don't know about two years sober and we we went back and we decided we'd talk about or we'd think about when was the first time that ever the ever that alcohol affected you know I mean not necessarily when you drank but when did alcohol affect you and I had to think about it for a while and you know I was thinking about it and I and then all of a sudden I remembered I remembered when I was young my parents Uh my parents used to have these wonderful parties and they were like balls and uh and people would come dressed up and that's when people actually used to all get dressed up to go to a party and uh and so I they would come dressed up and they would be beautiful and the men would come in tuxedos and the women would come in long dresses and they would just all look so sophisticated and I had to go around in curtsy and meet every one of them and and I passed or durves and curtsied and all this kind of stuff and you know I just watched all of it and it gone on for you know weeks beforehand to make the house look right. And it was just all that kind of exciting atmosphere around the house.
And um and and so I was there that night and I saw everybody coming start to come in and my mom had this gorgeous dress and I had my little goofy outfit on. And I've never been much of a girly girl. So I kind of think some of those are like goofy outfits because my mother likes to dress me up like a real girly girl and I usually made a big mess out of it in no time.
But okay, so this lady came in and she was h, you know how some people are just more than other people? They're just more, you know, and she came in and she was more. She walked in the door and she had on this blue gown and it started up here and it was blue sequins and it started light blue and it was only on one shoulder.
Woo, racy. and and it's up here and went down and down and down and down and it was a form fitting outfit and she had a form to fit and and it went down and down and down and down and it pulled around the bottom of her feet in this blue pool and she was just gorgeous, you know, and she had this great big huge hairo. I still suffer from that.
And higher the hair, the closer you are to God. And uh so so I uh and I watched her, you know, and she and she had these little blue shoes that and a little blue bag that hung off of her thing. And she had this gorgeous husband.
He was in a tuxedo. He was so handsome. I have always been a fool for men in tuxedos.
I have got to quit marrying them. Glad there none here. I'm single again.
>> >> So, uh, so yeah, I couldn't Everybody watched them. And she had she had this big long cigarette holder and on the end of the cigarette, everybody smoked back then. And on the end of the cigarette holder, she had little blue rhinestones.
They matched her dress. I was so impressed, you know. And the butler came by and asked her if she'd like to have anything to drink.
And she said, "I'll have a martini." Just like that. I have a martini. I've been practicing it for years.
I'm not much of a girly girl. Okay, so the butler came back and here we was a V-shaped martini glass and he got her one with little blue bulbs on the bottom. My how impressive.
And so she stood there drinking her drink with her cigarette and she'd throw her head back and go. And all the men were around her and I wanted what she had. attention.
That's why I love it. I live in a suburb called Edina. And Edina stands for every day I need attention.
So, uh, so anyway, she was just gorgeous and she had her martini and her drink and and you know, everybody was milling around and her husband was talking to other people and love her people and then my mother dismissed me for the evening. I had to go say good night to everybody. And so I went around and said good night to everybody and I went upstairs and sort of hid so I could watch everybody down there.
And uh being the good budding alcoholic that I was, I was fascinated by this. And so, uh, it was a lot later and pretty soon she was standing there and she was talking to some people and now her cigarettes kind of going over here and her martini is kind of going over here and even her hair sort of and uh, and her husband was standing there and all of a sudden he just she he just swooped her up and took her out the door. And I thought, "Isn't that romantic?
I didn't know she'd passed out. So, I heard my father talking to my mother the next day and he said, "You know, dear, Mrs. and So is really quite a nice, lovely lady, but when she drinks too much, she becomes a bit of a flooy.
I didn't know what a flooy was." It was about a month later my father asked me what I want to be when I grew up. I said a floozy. I'm here to tell you I achieved my goal.
Oh, bad joke on Cookie. Um, but yeah. Uh, add in add alcohol instant floozy.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Uh, so when I turned 13, my girlfriend and I got together and her parents were out of town for the weekend and I decided to make myself well she the we got into we broke into the liquor cabinet, the first of my illustrious career and um we broke into the liquor cabinet and I had gone out and I had perlloined a cigarette holder. My sponsor pointed out to me in my fifth step that ploed is a fancy word for aft cookie rats. So, so I had found the cigarette holder and uh and uh and I also had a cigarette that I found shortly before somebody lost it.
And um you can imagine how much fun I was to sponsor in the beginning, can't you? >> >> So, I decided to make myself a >> martini. >> Oh, you guys have been paying attention.
You've heard me before, girl. Yeah. I decided to make myself a martini.
Now, I don't know about you, but I have looked back upon this over the years and I realized something. Did I think I was an alcoholic before I took a drink? You know, because I started obsessing about this from a moment of that party until the time I could drink that first drink.
Isn't that amazing? You know, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about the fact that we have an obsession of the mind and I hadn't even introduced alcohol to it yet. So, you know, I uh I poured that drink and I knew there was no ice in it cuz there wasn't any ice in her pretty glass.
And so, I poured myself a glass full of warm gin and uh that's a good starter drink, don't you think? And right into the big time. And I uh I lit my cigarette with my ratty little cigarette holder.
And you know, good starter drink, don't you think? And right into the big time. And I uh I lit my cigarette with my ratty little cigarette holder.
And you know, um you know, Clancy, I'm I don't know if I'm sure most of you know who Clansancy is. He's a speaker. and he talks about uh he talks about alcoholism and he's got a tape called the disease of perception and I've thought about that many times over the years and when he talks about that disease of perception he talks about that alcoholics see things differently than other people do and I I totally believe that today and uh you know here I am I'm sitting there I'm 13 years old and I got on a blue shirt big surprise right and uh my blue jeans which at that time we were wearing elephant bells and I'm really old and now they're back.
That's how old I am. And uh and I had uh uh poured myself this glass full of uh of gin and I was going to take this drink. And now before that liquor ever hit my lips, I had turned into that beautiful lady in that blue dress.
Before I took the first drink, it was amazing to me. Just amazing to me when I look back. It took me a long time to put all this together, but I took that first drink.
And you know, I love the big book because it says something. It says, "When alcoholics drink, something happens." How about you? Did something happen when you drink?
It talks about the fact that men and women drink essentially because we like the effect produced by alcohol. The effect is so elusive that after a while, we cannot differentiate the true from the false. To us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one.
I pick up that drink, I start to drink it, and something happened. And what happened for me is ever since I was a small child, I had something that went on in my head. I was very uh gifted athletically and I did a lot of stuff.
And uh and I wanted to be a winner. I always wanted to be a winner. And here's how I would sit when I'd watch people and do things and my head would say this to me.
Now I don't know if you've ever realized your head talks to you. You know, you may not know that you can talk back to it yet. But anyway, so I'm talking my head is just talking at me.
It says things like this. You know, Cookie, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good you do, you're never going to be just quite good enough. You're never going to be good enough.
You got to work harder and try harder than everybody else because you're not going to be good enough. You know that you're too tall, too short, too fat, too thin. You know that there's something wrong with you.
There's just something wrong with you. You know, it's not quite good enough. You better work harder.
You better try hard or you're just not good enough. This was constant with me and it kept me going. It kept me It kept me performing in all my sports.
It drove me all the time. And uh I took that drink of alcohol in a matter of about three and a half minutes it was gone. And I don't know about you, but I love the fact that it was gone.
And that's the effect alcohol had on me. And I'm going to tell you, I was willing to chase that to the gates of insanity and death. That one feeling that first time that I got, you know, but I did then what I do almost every time I drink, I sort of overshot the mark.
And every time I've had as much alcohol as I want to drink, I drank until I got drunk and passed out and threw up in any order, whichever you like. And that's what happened that night. And I remember I remember decorating the bathroom.
And uh and I just I just thought that this was the most wonderful thing in the entire world. And why hadn't I found it before this? Now, I have gone from in a very about an three hours of time from this little girl who wanted to be like her mom and be a lady to someone who's got to figure out how to drink better so they don't throw up.
This is not normal. I know it's normal to most of you. It's not normal.
And uh and so I uh you know, I remember that so clearly. And the effect alcohol had on me was that I was free. I was free finally.
In a matter of two years, every single one of my sports was gone. I dropped out of high school. I just wanted to drink.
Thank you very much. Um I started out drinking. And when I started drinking, I couldn't stop drinking.
It was never any different. I was an alcoholic from the get-go. I just had to plan it better and try harder.
I was, like I said, I was brought up in in with very privileged surroundings. And so, I had didn't find it difficult at all to get all the liquor I ever wanted. I just blackmailed the maid.
No hobby. And um so, you know, I was going along and I was doing all this stuff and and uh and I'm my life is totally revolving now around alcohol. And I was uh I had gone out to California to visit my uh my cousin.
And when I was out in California, I fell in love and uh I'm all of 19 years old, you know, 18 years old. And I fell in love and I came back and he came back to my my family and I was going back out east to meet his family and he was back in California. He was going to be a marine biologist and we were going to move to Hawaii and get married.
And he was driving back from surfing one day and the axle broke in his jeep and he was thrown from the jeep and he was brain dead. From that moment to this moment today, I would turn off anything that had anything to do with emotion. Um, that devastated me to such a point that I didn't even know what to do with it.
I had never had any bad news in my life. Um, my life and my family, it was always fun. It was always funny.
It was always do the fun stuff. And all of a sudden, I didn't know what to do. And uh, and so I did what I usually did.
I drank a lot. And uh, and I was hanging out with my girlfriend. I was I was thinking about what I was going to do with my life since I was now a high school dropout.
and I decided to go to college. Why not? And it's not too hard to do actually.
And so I was um getting ready to go off east to college. I wanted to go to a broadcasting school. At that time there were no women in broadcasting.
And so I thought this would be a great position for me. You know, you can rise really fast. It'll be really cool.
It'll all be fun. And uh and so that's what I did. I I was getting thin.
I was hanging out with my girlfriend Chris. Uh and every time I wanted to get thin, I'd hang out with Chris. And Chris was about 6'2 and weighed 7 lbs.
and and she was great to hang out with. And she had she had a lot of hair, blonde hair, and she was one of those really annoying people that could lay out in 90 degree heat and a full set of makeup and never persspire, you know, and she'd lay out in this perfect and I'm a tomboy. So, we'd go out together and she'd lay in this perfect lawn chair position with her little pink bikini on and I'm out in a swimming suit swimming laps, you know, and I'd come back and look at look at her and I take a drink of my beer and I go back out and pretty soon I saw this this XK drive by and I'm a car freak.
So, I see this car drive by and drives by seven times. So, I think, "Well, ha, this is interesting." So, I figure he's looking at Chris, you know, I'm I'm looking like a drowned rat. And And he walks down and he walks right up to me.
He walks into the water. And I said, I just looked at him and he said, "Gee, you look refreshing." I said, "You want a beer? Oh.
Anyway, um it was about a month and a half later, I decided I was going to marry him. My mom was real happy about that. I think it was the third date, actually.
And uh and uh I always wanted to remind myself of this because it's some of my really clever and wonderful thinking because I'm ever so bright and I have to remind myself of how bright I am every once in a while just so I can bask in the glow of my Duraf Flame log. Um, I I'm standing there and I'm I'm thinking about all this and and I'm thinking back when I'm thinking about this and I think, why did I marry him? And uh I had two reasons.
One was he never said anything about my drinking. Guess why? I promised my sponsor I wouldn't take his inventory from the podium.
Um, but suffice it to say that he's been in 17 treatment facilities. And uh, the second reason was because he asked. You know, the really sad part about that is I married the second one sobriety for the same reason.
Oh golly. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But uh, yeah.
And we started off and we were just we were quite the couple. We were both tall, dark, and handsome. And uh and he we had I had an ability and he had an ability to make a great deal of money at that time.
And I'd started my own company when I was 20 years old and through the grace of God and this fellowship of this program and a lot of very good luck and a lot of very loving friends. I retired from that business with 35 years um just last year. So, but I started my business then and uh I was in a field where there were no women of course and cuz you know you know how we are about other women.
I don't know about you women out there but I'm sort of that way about other women you know. I mean I don't really don't want to be around them because most women don't drink like I drink and they always tend to notice like they see things like Are you having another? Haven't you already had two?
Yeah. I'm warming up. So, I don't know about you, but I eliminated friends who didn't drink like I drank.
They just sort of got pushed to the sides. And so, I uh we uh we started living a very fancy lifestyle and we had fancy cars and fancy things and everything was fancy and I hung around with some pretty important people and I traveled all over the world and I did a lot of fancy stuff. Um, my husband used to travel on the road Mondays through Fridays and we had a nice little five- bedroomedroom house for the two of us.
And uh, and he was gone. My girlfriend lived upstairs. He never knew she lived up there.
It was great. I loved hanging around with her because she was slowly working her way through an entire football team. It was kind of like a, you know, a spectator sport.
And uh, and so, you know, she'd be off with all these football players all the time. And I go out drinking with her because I just wanted somebody to drink with and go out and have fun. And and I have to give you a picture of what I looked like at that time.
For some of you that young enough, you may not remember any of this for some or you may have seen it on old movies. Um but yeah, I had I had two sets of wigs. So they my hair was about out to here.
And I wore two sets of eyelashes up here and one set down here. And and I had I had white go-go boots, platform go boots that came up over my knee and folded over. They were vinyl.
They were really sexy. And then I wore a little I wore a little hot pants. Everyone remember hot pants?
I had my little hot pants, you know, and and then that was when we wore that real light lipstick, you know, and then we had the white and the brown and the white and we drew the little twiggies under our eyes. I was just gorgeous. And so I would hang out with her and and she would be working her way through the team and and I'd be watching this and it was great fun.
and I'd hang out with all of them and and I kind of made a I kind of made I like to sort of lip off a little. I know you find that hard to believe, but I would um make jokes with these guys and have fun and all kinds of stuff. And and I was a little girl that really lived in the suburbs and had been very sheltered all of her life.
I had parents who loved me. I didn't know there were bad things that went on in this world. I really didn't.
Um that was someplace over there. It didn't make any sense to me. And it was a different world then.
And so I uh I was kind of laughing with these guys and and one of the guys was kind of rather slow and uh and I'd tell jokes and he come up and go, "Hey, I got that cookie." And I could say things like good in this millennium and you know and I was not nice. And so this is not any to give any kind of an ideal or reason for anything. It's just the facts that set this thing up.
And so I came home one night and unbeknownst to me, he followed me home and uh um I was home for about 15 minutes and he came to my door and I said, "What are you doing here?" And he got himself in and he ended up raping me. Now this happened in my own home and um I had no system in place to deal with what happened to me. None.
Um it was uh I was I was sober for a number of years before I could even talk about this. And it was hard. I blamed myself.
Um I thought if I had just not said that stuff, if I just had not worn that outfit, if I just had not and I didn't know, I didn't know anything. And I carried that shame with me and it was to light the rest of my behavior for the rest of my drinking. Um there's something I want to say to you if that's been your experience.
And I do know that for the women in Alcoholics Anonymous, only over 85% of us come in with some sort of form of abuse. And uh and I want to hear you if they're out there and and this has happened to you. I want you to hear me.
It is not your fault. It is not your fault. No matter what happened, no matter what you wore, no matter what you said, no matter anything, nobody, absolutely nobody has the right to hurt you, to downgrade you, to rape you, to hit you, or anything else.
Nobody has that right. I carried that shame for so long and so hard. Um, it was shortly after the next day, I woke up and and I couldn't I didn't know what to do with this.
I had no idea what to do with this. Um, you know, I was this happy golucky kid that I wasn't even an adult yet really. And uh, and I tried to commit suicide because you figure I figured I was damaged goods.
This doesn't happen to good girls. This doesn't happen to girls that live like I live and grow up where I grow up. There's something very wrong with me and now I know it.
And uh I remember I took all the pills I had at the time. They weren't good enough pills. Uh obviously I'm not very good at suicide.
So um but I woke up and uh and I was mad. I was real mad. I was mad at the fact that uh that I had not killed myself.
Um I thought I was a loser because I couldn't even kill myself, right? And the thing about that is when I woke up, my husband was there and I didn't know what to say to him. And you know, we're amazing people for alcoholics.
And if you're an alcoholic, like I'm an alcoholic, you might relate to the fact that we know how to rally. And you know, one of the things I did was I just sat there and I I didn't know what to do. But from that moment on until the moment until I was close to two years sober, I could not look in the mirror and look myself in the eye.
I'd look at whatever piece of me I was putting makeup on. I'd look all over like that. But I could never look at myself again.
Now, I didn't know that I had let somebody steal my soul. I didn't know that. Um, so what I decided to do was I'm just going to I've got to get this together, Cookie.
This is ridiculous. You've got to get this together. You've always been good at everything.
You can win at everything. Get yourself together. And I rallied.
You know, I rallied and I said, "This is it. I'm not going to think about that anymore." I have always lived from that day until I did my fifth step with the Scarlett O'Hara theory of living, which is I won't think about that today. I'll think about that tomorrow when I'm in Terara.
So, you know, I just threw things back here and I didn't think about them anymore and I was going to rally and I was going to be that person, you know, that just gets out there and I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to be this right person. And so, I uh I uh I stopped drinking and I stopped smoking and I stopped doing everything and I went to work and I did my job and I came home every night and I did needle point in front of TV. I'm not drinking.
I'm not going to drink. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm not drinking tonight.
I'm not drinking tonight. I'm not drinking. I am not going to drink tonight.
I did this for 30 days. You think I don't have willpower? Yikes.
You know, and that's the interesting thing about alcoholism. You know, I'm sitting there and I'm doing that, but what am I doing? I'm thinking about drinking when I'm not drinking.
You know, and that's what they talk about the mental obsession. I have never had a problem with the second step in the program of alcoholics. Never.
Because I can sit there and my insanity says this time it's going to be different. It took me 30 days and in 30 days, you know what happened? I'm sitting there one night after those 30 days had passed and everything's going cool and I said to myself, "Well, you know, I've been sober for 30 days.
This time it'll be different." It was, if you know anything about alcoholism, it gets very different. It gets worse, in case you didn't know, so don't go back out there again. Anyway, so so I um I you know it did get worse and I started drinking.
I had vengeance for drinking now. I didn't really care. I didn't care much about anything.
I didn't care about you and I didn't care about what happened to me and I didn't care about anything because I figured nothing absolutely nothing is going to stand in my way of doing whatever I feel like doing from now on. I've always tried to follow the rules. I always tried to be a good girl.
I always tried to, you know, grow up just like my mom and be a lady. What good has it done me? You know, and I gave up on myself.
And that's the problem with women when we go through these things. We throw ourselves away. And if you throw yourself away, I want to hear you something.
I want you to hear something that I'm saying. We have 12 steps here. And two of them are four and five.
And in four and five, you get free. You get free. You know, the steps are like an inside shower.
You're the person that's going to get free. So I uh we went around. I got even crazier after that.
And my husband came home one day and said, "You know, I bought a boat and I thought, oh, good for the lake." And he said, "No, um, we're going to move to Aapulco and live on a yacht." And I thought, did I miss like six months of this marriage or something? And uh, which wouldn't have been surprising at that point, but yeah. And then I mean, he just thought these things up and he would say, you know, I've sold the house.
Really? Where am I going to live now? You know, but I didn't care because you know what?
At this point, I didn't care anything about anything. I didn't care about what I did or who I did it with. And I didn't care when I did it.
And what I would do is I go out and I go drinking with my friends and I'd pick your boyfriend, your husband, or any other person that would say hello to me. And uh and I just sort of walk away with you, you know, and I just wanted somebody to drink with me. I wanted someone to drink with me and to play with me and to pay attention to me because my husband never did.
He was too busy working. I just love the way we ration things. Anyway, so there I am and I'm doing all this crazy stuff and I'm going everywhere and I'm doing all whatever.
I'm living. We had at that time we had a a house in Florida and a house in Minnesota and we had a jet to drive go back and forth with. We had a couple yachts and I drove a Ferrari and a Porsche.
I had everything in the world I've ever wanted. Everything. Everything.
And this is a bad place to be if you're an alcoholic because you know it's always that thing that says you know well if I only had that it would all be okay. I had that and that and that and that and that and that. So, you know, I'm really grateful for that today because I know something that's coming back to give me a second chance of learning it, which is uh if my life depends upon the the car I drive or the watch I wear or anything else, I'm in big trouble.
If my life depends upon anything you think of me, I'm in big trouble, you know. Um, the thing that brought me here was uh I had uh I had uh been out working one night and I got was coming back from a job and uh drunk ran through a red light and hit me and I spent the next two years in hospitals. Um pretty much destroyed my back and a lot of other parts of me and uh and so I uh I just became a recluse.
Um I they gave me lots of drugs. I needed lots of drugs to get along with things, you know, and I go to my doctor and I'd say I can't sleep. And so he gave me sleeping pills and I said, "I'm in so much pain I can't stand." He gave me painkillers.
Then I said, "I'm really depressed." And so he gave me anti-depressants and and and then I said, "You know what? My muscles are in constant stress." He gave me muscles relaxers. And you know, it's kind of interesting because I was doing all that and drinking a quart of booze a day.
I didn't move a lot, you know, and I became that recluse person you hear about, the one that's all by themselves, all alone. And that's who I was. Um, I'm sitting in this wonderful morass of self-pity and uh, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I don't know what day it is and I don't care what day it is. I'm very, very large. Um, I'm an attractive shade of yellow and I'm dying of the disease of alcoholism and I don't know I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know anything about the mental obsession. I don't know anything about the physical compulsion of alcoholism. I don't know I have an allergy to alcohol.
All I know is that that stuff makes me feel okay. Please don't ever take it away. And I'm now in the position where I'm my body's shutting down from alcohol.
And I'm curling across my $40,000 Persian rug to go into the kitchen to shimmy myself up on a cabinet so that I can drink and throw up and drink and throw up and drink and throw up and drink and throw up. And maybe the fifth or the sixth, the seventh one will stay down. I am now a chronic alcoholic and I'm living on a skid roll.
It's a very fancy skid roll, but it was skid row for me. And there was nothing left of Cookie. I was gone.
Um, all I wanted to do is to just die. That's all I wanted to do. I had been beaten into a state of reasonableness by alcoholism and I didn't know I was an alcoholic.
Uh, I was uh living this life. My husband was doing really crazy stuff. And it was just like a it was like a circus, you know, and and I've heard many people say that if you marry an alcoholic and you and you live an alcoholic marriage, you got to dance to death.
And that's what we had was a dance of death. And um I decided I was finally going to kill myself. This time I was going to make it for sure.
And uh I had lots of good pills now. And I remember looking up and it was a gray day. And it was uh right about now.
And I was looking out of the window. I was looking up and I was I said one thing and I said, "God, if there is a God." Now I'm going to tell you it'd been a long time since this cookie had talked to any kind of God because I didn't figure he wanted to have much to do with me with all the things that had happened to me. I had too much shame.
And um I said, "God, if there is a God, please, this time, let me die. I don't want to do this anymore. Don't make me do this anymore, please." Now, I don't know what your third step sounded like.
But I think that qualified me. It was interesting because I was going to take all those drugs and the doorbell rang. You know how annoying it is when somebody interrupts your perfectly good suicide plan?
I mean, really, how rude. So, I uh I can't believe I opened the door to this day, but you know, that's what I did. And uh and it was my father and we do not have a drop in family.
We're a very formal group. And um usually if my father was going to come over, he'd call and say he was going to come over. So, here's my dad standing there.
I said, "Daddy, what are you doing here?" And he said, "Honey, I've come to take you home. I can't watch this anymore. And I said, "Okay." And I left.
And I left everything. The cars and the yachts and the planes and everything. I just left.
Well, I took my makeup. It's hard to cover up that much yellow. Anyway, so at this point I had no clothes cuz I've been living in this really lovely kind of horrible chenille bathrobe that was all had like had cigarette burns all down the front and dribbly stuff and and it was all funny in the front because I kept crawling everywhere in it and um I was really attractive and and I had decided a couple times to perm my own hair and color it so it was straight out like this and frizz to death and black, you know, and uh I was not looking pretty.
Okay. And I'm yellow and >> >> I just remember walking out the door and it was quite a few years later. I remember what I said to myself and and uh what I said to myself is one of us is going to survive this and it's going to be me.
I don't know when you made your decision or if you've made your decision yet, but I knew something right then and I knew it was never going to be the same ever. That everything was going to change. my uh parents.
I came home to my parents and my mother had to lend me a dress because I didn't have anything to wear. So, she found this lovely mumu. I still think of this.
And and so we had to go see an old friend of theirs. And so I I put on this mumu and I tried to cover up as much of the yellow as I could. It's kind of hard to kind of get your eyeballs looking right though.
And so, you know, and I I wasn't real good at putting my makeup on, so I didn't really put much on, but I kind of got it together. And we go out to this place and it was a place where I'd grown up in and their house and their home and these people and and I hadn't seen any of these people in years. I'd become, like I said, a reclusen.
And so we came there and they said, "Well, make yourself a drink cookie." My parents have never understood alcoholism. I don't think they ever really will understand alcoholism. It is not their job to understand alcoholism.
It's my job to understand them. And so, um, you know, I, uh, I made myself a drink. You know, one of those drinks we make ourselves, you know, those drinks, you know, glass rum fill glass, put in a ice cube.
Ah, perfect. So, I had not got to the point that I would throw up all the time before something would stay down. So, I was kind of wondering whether this one was going to stay down or not.
And uh and it did, thank God. And I made myself another one. That one didn't feel like it.
So, I uh my parents said they were going to go home. And so, I thanked the hostess for inviting me on short notice. It was very lovely to see her again.
And I went out and I walked on the way to my parents car. and I walked around my parents car and they were still talking to this Mrs. Jones.
And so, uh, I threw up in the bushes. Now, I had been raped. I have had a lot of stuff happen to me.
This certainly wasn't the highlight of my drinking career, but it's the thing that got my attention. And I hope you always remember the one that gets your attention because the real strength in being us and me sharing with you and you sharing with me is when we remember who we are so we never forget who we are. And uh, >> >> As we drove away, I said to myself, "So, this is the lady you've become, Cookie.
You throw up in bushes." And at that moment, I knew I knew my problem was alcohol. I think the hand of that God that I had anything to do with for an awful lot of years came and took me away and said, "It's okay, honey." And he started making things clear to me. And I knew from that moment on that I could never drink again.
Now, that was not something I thought up on my own. trust me. And so I did that and I uh I remember I uh um my parents had a friend that owned a treatment facility.
So they sent me to the treatment facility. You know, it's nice having money. And uh and I went there and the lady interviewed me and the lady one of the people that was a secretary there today I still see in my Friday meeting and she always looks me and goes, "You're such a miracle." But it's wonderful to have friends for, you know, 22 years that have seen you come all the way.
That's one of the gifts of sobriety. But yeah, I uh I went to treatment and I just, you know, I they did this interview and I said, "What do you feel like?" And I said, "I feel like I'm in the inside of a stainless steel drum that's got a cone at the bottom and I'm going around and around a whirlpool. I'm going to slide down and I'm gonna be dead." And he said, "We have a chair for you." But for me, you see, once I start drinking, I can't stop drinking.
I never could. And I didn't even want to. Didn't even want to.
Never. I never went out and said, "Let's have two drinks." I was not of that variety. I was an alcoholic from the get-go.
Instant drunk. Um, I was I got to explain this. Let me tell you this one.
My mother, who was just an adorable woman, and she's 83 years old now, and she's just a kick in the pants. And, uh, I remember I was about 14 years sober, and every once in a while she'd say something like, "Was it because we made you skate too much when you were young, honey? Maybe you shouldn't have had to hell those horses to ride.
You always had to be doing something. Maybe we shouldn't have done that for you. You sure it wasn't because we went up north every year.
And I said, "Mom, okay, let me do this one more time. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease. It doesn't care if you're rich or poor." Um, I was the lucky genetic winner of alcoholism in our family.
And today I believe I am the lucky genetic winner in our family because I have a way of living that outshines anything else I've ever had. But I said to her, you know, it's a genetic disease, mother. It comes from the family.
Once you have this, you can never get better. It's not something you just choose. It's sort of like having diabetes.
You know, you didn't just go one day, oh, I think I'll eat a lot of sugar and have diabetes. You know, it's not that way. And so I kept explaining this to her and I done it many, many times.
And so this was another day where she looked at me and she goes, "Okay, honey." So I came back and I was sitting talking for the next day and she said, "Uh, I think I understand now." And I said, "Really, mom?" She comes from your father's side of the family. She was happy. She's just a wonderful woman.
I'm living with her again now. And and we have so much fun together. Anyway, so I uh I went to this treatment facility.
I remember I was supposed to walk into a door. They said there was an AA meeting in there. And I stood there for a moment.
It looked like almost like the door was back lit. And I just looked at it and all of a sudden the thing said in my head said, "Well, you I thought to my Oh, I know. I thought to myself, if you walk through that door, you're admitting you're an alcoholic." And all of a sudden, the thing in my head said, "Well, get your ass in.
There you are. I don't know how your doc de your god talks to you but mine's funny and uh and that that's a voice that stays with me today that I listen for and I follow and and I have tried to nurture it over the years but it has given me a direction all the time most of it pretty lippy anyway I um but if I probably figures I can hear it that way anyway so I go through this and I go through treatment I don't remember anything of treatment I had really done alcohol a little too long and pretty much fried my brains so I was coming out of treatment like I I remember we had a woman counselor and she was very nice and and everywhere and pretty soon you know I decided I'd get gorgeous because that's the next thing to do of course and uh and so I got decided to get gorgeous. So I lost 100 pounds and uh dieting has always been a um hobby for me obviously it's not a vocation and so I um I lost this 100 pounds and I had my face done and and I look gorgeous man.
I was gorgeous and uh and now all the men are around me and and and now I say things to them like well it's so nice. Oh, you do want to go out with me? How kind.
You didn't seem to want to go out with me a year ago. If you didn't want to go out with me when I was fat, why would I want to go out with you when I'm thin? And you know, so and I'm going through all this stuff, you know, and they had they had all the the um the steps in the traditions on the wall.
You know, you have that in many you have that here, right? You know, steps and traditions on the And so I can read. I'm not stupid.
So I'm reading them off the wall and pretty soon I start writing them down and I'm thinking, well, okay, powerless. Yep. Know that one already.
Uh, you know, can't stop. Yeah. I can't do it there.
Insane. Yeah. Insane.
I'm insane. I have God. Yeah.
Uh-huh. I believe there's a God. Why wouldn't I believe there's a God?
I mean, I'm a woman. I've been under somebody's thumb most of my life. So, I mean, I was just nuts.
And in preaching, I start sponsoring people. God knows what message I was carrying. And but I was busy.
And I'm going to meetings and I'm everywhere. And I'm about three and a half years sober and I'm starting to unravel. And uh and Roger's kind father got up one day.
There was a speaker meeting and he got up don and he said uh he said I don't feel like telling my story tonight. He said I'm going to talk about the history of AA. And everybody kind of went, you know, we're all so eager and uh and he got up and he started just talking about Sister Ignatian, Father Dowling, and Henry at a cyber.
And I'm thinking, who the heck are all these people? you know, and I had prided myself on knowing everybody in AA at that point. Just a little ego problem.
And uh and so so you know, um I'm listening to this and I'm thinking, Cookie, you call yourself a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't even know what you're a member of. You're a hypocrite. It's a bad thing to be in Cookie Land.
Hypocrites a bad thing in cookie land. So, you know, I uh I went home and and I thought, you know, I'm three and a half years sober. I'm gorgeous.
I've done everything to fix myself. Uh, obviously it's not working. I might as well kill myself.
I'm three and a half years sober, sitting in the middle of four meetings a week, dying of the illness of alcoholism. Dying of the illness of alcoholism because nobody's telling me what alcoholism really is. Nobody's giving me a solution that works.
We're just all talking about topics, you know, and once in a while somebody had mentioned the third step and but there was no like go through the book. There was nothing going on that I saw at that time. And um I'm sitting thinking about this.
I'm thinking I don't want to shoot myself. I don't want to leave that kind of a mess for anybody. Um I can't take pills because then I blow my sobriety.
And uh then I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll start the car and then I can put on all my makeup. You see my order of importance here.
And and then I can just sit in the car and I'll go to sleep and I'll die. And then I thought about that for a while. I thought, well, if my car runs that long, I'm going to end up killing my dog.
and I just couldn't couldn't stand it if I killed my dog. So, and during the middle of this wonderful musing, I had a little rule for myself, and that was to whenever you got really really crazy, which I did frequently. I had a lot of anxiety attacks when I was first sober.
And uh and you read something until you calm down. Well, you see, I'm I'm a I'm very good on looks. And I have a copy of the big book.
It's on the table, so you'll know I'm a member of AA. And then I have the grapevine. Y'all know what the grapevine is, our meaning in print.
And I have those fanned out over here. So you'll know a member of AA. I didn't read them.
And uh and I you know I got everything again all the ma of looking like a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm not a member. I don't even know what AA really is. And so all of a sudden something ran from I'm reading this book and I'm reading and I'm thinking I got to do something.
I got to do something. So I picked up an issue of this grapevine. Who knew?
you after reading my self-help book and uh and I picked up issue of the grapefine and I just wanted I just picked it up and I opened it like this and I said suicide in sobriety. I went not funny and then there was a reprint of a reprint of an article that said there will come a time in your sobriety when there's a piece of your ego dying off because it is no longer necessary and it's trying to take you with it. Hm.
Took me a number of years to be able to label that after a lot of work. But when I finally did label it, I called it Cookie the Star. You see, I'd been a star in riding and skating and all these things I' ever done in my life because I was a super achiever.
And so when I came into A and I sobered up, I was going to be an AA star. Any of you tried that? Just do everything everybody tells you to do and it'll be all fine.
And see, my whole value, my whole sense of worth came from you telling me I'm okay. Everything came from that. So I went and did everything everybody said in aa so that you would say I was okay so that I would feel whole and I paid I I ran myself ragged trying to make all you happy.
You know like I said I was everywhere. I did everything. I volunteered for every position.
I did everything you're supposed to do. I thought and so I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about that and all of a sudden this thought goes through my head. You better read the big book like your life depends on it because it does.
That's weird. So, I looked down at this book I've never opened and I pick it up and it says, "We of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered, not recovering, recovered from a seemingly hopeful state of mind and body to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book." I thought, "Well, that's what it's for." I'm sorry I'm slow. And so uh so I picked and I just started reading it and when it said pray I I prayed and when it said right I wrote and that's what I did man I followed the directions exactly and you know I I read where it said you know nothing in so much in cheer's immunity is intensive work with other alcoholics it works when all other measures fail and so I'm now I'm out there and I'm starting to collect sponses you know and I'm getting them I'm saying hi you really do want to read the book with me don't you really love the big book it's really going to be fun I have one right here about that and uh and so I uh that's what I did and I was I was on fire you know and I wrote out this forep like it says in the big book and I wrote out all those columns and I couldn't think of anybody I resented.
Honest to God couldn't. At that time Charlie and Joe came through and I went up to Joe and I said, "Joe, I think I'm not going to make it in this program." And he said, "How long have you been sober?" And I said, "Three and a half years." And he kind of went, "Okay." And uh and I said, "But I can't think of anybody I resent." And he said, "Put yourself on the head of the resentment list." And that's what I did. And that's where I started.
And I put myself on the head of the resentment list because I just hated me. I didn't just not like me. I hated me.
And uh and how that that worked out for me is I never had a resentment because I was so self-centered. I didn't even bother resenting you. I could just hate myself and have all the fun.
And if I hadn't had that key, and so many keys as we go along, people give us keys, you know, keys to our sobriety, new tools, whatever we need. And if I hadn't had that key, I don't know where I'd be today. But that's where I started.
And I did that. And I read this to my sponsor. She had no idea what I was doing.
She said, 'Th that's nice, dear. I'm glad you've been busy. And I adored her, but she wasn't a big book person.
And so now I'm collecting all these girls and we're all going everywhere together and I take the first two rows of every single meeting and we all go sit in line and it's me and all the girls and and we and we we're bigbook people. We do a big book. We do it together.
It's it's we're like we're like a cadre of rabid big book women. >> >> And so, uh, so, you know, it was really funny because, um, I shared with the girls that I had waited a year and a half before I had any relationships in AA. And, well, that's because the old-timers said two years and the newer people said one year, so I split the difference.
And so, and so I'm doing all this and I'm and so I'm suggesting this to my girls. Well, now I happen to sponsor all the most beautiful girls in AA. So, pretty soon I'm getting men who hate me cuz they can't touch my AA women till they've got a year and a half.
So, I didn't impose this rule. It just happened because I tell people, you know, that's what I did. You can choose to do what what you want to do.
And so, now I'm getting people coming up to me telling me how much they resent me. And I always figure that's good because they got to pray for me. And uh and so, so then I'm and all these places I'm going pri hear this thing for the jungle drums.
They say, "Yeah, Cookiey's got all the sponsies. Who the hell does she think she is?" You know, Cookie and her crumbs. So, of course, my girls being my girls, they all came in going, "I'm Cookies Crumb." But anyway, we were we just it was a wonderful and exciting time.
It was exciting time, you know. We're doing our work together. We're making amends.
We're doing all that stuff, you know, and and I when I wrote out my fifth step and and when I looked at my character defects the first time, I I didn't know much about it. But this time, it's starting to eat on me. Now, I'm seven, eight years sober.
It's starting to eat me up a little bit. You know, I'm doing all this fun stuff and I've gone as far as I could go alone, truthfully. Um, I'm having these girls go through the book with me.
They're getting they're going along. They're doing well and all of a sudden I start kind of unraveling again and I unravel enough that I do some things that are very embarrassing for me in sobriety. And uh, and you know, it's acting out behavior and and I ended up uh with uh fooling around with a guy I should have been fooling around with.
And uh, it was very embarrassing. It was very embarrassing for me. Um, I think there's a lot of surreners in sobriety.
I think we go through a lot of them. And uh and I I think our first big surrender is coming in and then we start to we start to peel away all like they talk about the layers of the onion. We start to peel things away.
We start become the people we're supposed to become, the people that God wants us to be. And in that process is amazingly painful at times. And so what I realized at that time was I just couldn't go on doing this by myself alone.
And I was asking God and and I'd kind of gotten away from really asking God much. You know how that works. And you know you get busy.
I'm too busy to pray. That'll work well. Cookie.
And uh anyway, so I asked God, I said, "I don't know what to do anymore." And uh the ego had reasserted itself as it will do. And uh I'm sitting in my meeting one day and in comes this lady, never seen her before. And she sits down and she ends up being in my group and she sits down, she has her big book with her.
And I thought, "Shazam!" I had been bringing my big book into meetings and they said things to me like, "Are you going to read out of that GD book again?" you know, so I've always been a people pleaser, so I just started memorizing paragraphs. I'm naughty. And uh and so I would just say paragraphs when I was in meetings.
And she came in and she knew all about the book. She had 10 more 10 more years of sobriety almost than I did. And that woman saved my life.
And I'm always hoping that for any of you that don't know that there's a big book and there is a way out and that you don't ever have to drink again. That there is someone that can help you and that you can get through this and you're never alone. You're never alone no matter what.
You can choose to be alone, but you're never alone. You can choose to use again, but you're never going to have to if you don't want to, cuz there's enough of us that care enough that we'll carry the message and help you. I was uh so almost like a rebirth, you know, in a sense.
And and we went and we did a lot of stuff together. I went through the whole book again with her and and I had a whole new reawakening and and a whole new purpose for my life. And I was just it was fabulous.
I was doing well. Everything was going well. My business was well.
And I had been asking God, you know, I don't know what to do. Uh I do have a lot of things wrong with my body. I was getting older.
I knew I couldn't keep working the way I was working. And so, um, I asked God to give me some kind of a sign for what I needed to do and and, uh, and you know how that works. Um, I had, uh, I was tired of being alone and, um, so I a friend of the families had, uh, been an AA for a long time and he, uh, he ended up being a speaker at one of the meetings I was at.
you've gave the worst AA talk I've ever heard in my life. And all my friends are looking at him going, "Huh?" And anyway, so I went to talk to him afterwards and I said, "Well, gee, where did you where did you learn that the 12 steps were developed by a minister in Florida and I had a little different opinion than that?" Anyway, uh we had shown horses together for 40 years ago. And I had known his family.
He'd known my family. He was an older gentleman. Um, I knew that I needed some financial security and I was real tired of being alone and I made a lot of compromises and ended up marrying him and that was very interesting.
I shortly before I married him was out rollerb blading one day. I turned 50 and I was out rollerb blading one day and um I didn't see this car coming and she hit me and I spent the I broke both shoulders and three ribs and that was the start of a wonderful journey that I've had in the last couple years. My father got cancer.
I adore my father. He's always been my hero. And my father got cancer and he uh he got to die one day at a time while I watched him for a year.
And this is I'm the little girl that would run away from everything. I'm the one that want if there was an emotion anywhere, I'd be somewhere else. If there was any kind of responsibility that really had to do with anything that was emotional, I'd be somewhere else.
And now I'm the one suiting up and showing up. And I'm doing that because you taught me how to be a person who suits up and shows up. And I'm adoring my father.
And I'm watching him shrivel away. And I looked at him one day and I said, "Daddy, I always wanted to ask you this." I said, "Why did you come on that day when when so long ago um and he said that was the day that you know he came to the door on my suicide attempt and he said, "I don't know, honey. Uh I was reading the Bible that morning.
My father's a very spiritual man. He wasn't very religious. Um but he was spiritual." And he said, "I was reading the Bible that morning and I knew if I didn't go get you right then, I'd never see you again." You know, so I my I owe my father my life twice.
Um two and a half years ago um I was going out to New York to do a talk and and I was sitting on the plane. I was going like this and I felt a little lump right here and um I got in to see one of my sponses, Ava, and and she looked at it and she went crazy. She said, "You got to call your doctor.
You got to call your doctor." And so and she made me call right then. She's a little overdemanding at times. Anyway, I wouldn't have seen him because I've been through so many doctors with my back over the years.
I didn't want to see anybody. But I called my doctor and uh and she uh she saved my life. Um I went to the doctor and I found out that I had stage four squamic cell carcinoma of the left tonsil.
Um I went to Mayo on a Friday. They said I had to come in Monday for my surgery. I had a 50-50 chance of surviving the surgery.
And if I survived the surgery, I had a 50% chance of ever being able to speak again, turn my head, or lift my left arm. So I went home to get my my things in order. Uh, I went down there with my uh with an Al with an Alanon sponsor or an Alenon sister sponsor, whatever.
Um, and we both have the same sponsor and she took me down to Mayo because she was familiar with Mayo and she also was somebody that walked me through walked me through this time of my life. I want to know what you're a part of and I want you to know what you're a part of. And maybe you don't know some of this because maybe these things haven't happened to you, but things have happened to me that have been incredibly bad for the last 5 years.
And uh they've been embarrassing and heartbreaking and everything you can think of. Um during this time that I was having this, my husband decided he wanted to get a divorce. It was very public and it was very embarrassing for me and uh it was a very large betrayal and it was very hard.
Um and I'm asking God, what what am I supposed to be doing here, God? What am I not doing? what am I supposed to be doing?
And I don't believe at any one of these times that it was God's idea that I should have to go through things bad. I think life happens. I think life happens and I think God gives us the ability to handle those things with the friends that we have.
So I uh I went and um I went for the surgery. I came back uh Friday, told my mom where everything was and uh and I looked at uh my sister Alan on Spons and I said uh I want to go to the meeting because alcoholics go to meetings and I'm an alcoholic. And I called one of my sponsores and I said if you can be there and you can show up and not cry and not fall apart in front of me.
I want you to be there. If you can't, please don't come because I can't handle your emotions and mine too. And so I'm walking this way alone and uh and but I'm not alone, am I?
And I sat there in the meeting of my friends Keith other people were there and you know u my Alanon sponsor and her husband Bob Zan Bob B and and Linda and these are people that I love and I've known my whole sobriety and uh and I don't remember anything anybody said but I remembered one thing that they loved me you know so I went in for that surgery the next uh Monday morning and uh now that night before I said a prayer and and I don't know what you know about yourself but sometimes we learn things about ourselves when it's very very difficult and uh I had uh we had gone out for dinner and they had wine. Yeah. Isn't that just about typical?
You know, I go out to dinner with two Alanons. They have wine. It's the last night of mine on earth maybe.
And they're drinking. What? What?
I think it was a haha. Anyway, so uh so yeah, they're drinking and getting silly. They're not drunks, you know.
And I'm looking at them, I'm like going, "You're getting silly. Am I going to have to drive back to the hotel?" And it was it was very funny. And then they wanted to know if I wanted to watch TV with them while they're both giggling.
And I said, "No, I think I'll pass." And uh and I went and I sat down and I decided to say my prayers. And and you know, it was funny because I didn't know I was going to pray this and I learned a lot about you and about me. And uh I said, "God, you know, I came in here uh at that time was 18 years ago." And I said, "I came in on a suicide attempt.
So this life has really been your life and this has been your gift. And hopefully I've been able to give some of it back. Hopefully I've been able to love some of your kids and carry your message and tell other people they don't ever have to live the way they used to live and there is a way out.
And if you want me to come home, I've lived my whole life in sobriety and pain. And if you want me to come home, I'm ready to come home. and if you don't, I'll stay and love some more of your kids and carry your message." I went in for surgery the next morning.
Um, and I came out 7 and 1/2 hours later and everybody was in the room. There's a whole lot of people in the room and they were all waiting to see if I could talk cuz the doctor didn't know if I could talk either. They didn't know how much was left and they took out most of my neck and jugular vein and the whole back of my throat and um like that.
So, uh I looked up and when I looked up, you know, I'd called myself Cookie the Star. That was the piece of ego that had had uh had died off at that one time. And I opened my eyes and I looked across the way and there was a building with a gigantic star on it.
And I knew and I just knew you know and I said star and they went she can talk and they all left but I want to tell you what you're a part of. Um I went home after that I had to go through horrendous um radiation. It was very bad.
And uh and I had I had people that loved me so much that they put together an entire color-coded program of who was going to come and pick me up, who was going to be with me 24 hours a day for the next 3 months because they knew how bad it was going to be. I had somebody all the time with me and it was really strange because I was so very sick when I first got done and and I couldn't eat anything and I couldn't swallow anything and it was really scary and I caught thought I was going to choke to death all the time and it was it was not fun. Anyway, so I was sleeping and they're giving me lots of things.
So, I sleep and and every once in a while I'd open my eyes and there'd be this cheerful face of someone who's like, "Hi, my name's Chelsea and I'm your great great great grandpancy and it's an honor to be here with you." Hi, Chelsea. But that's what you did. You loved me back to health and that's what we're a part of.
We're a fellowship. We're people that care about each other. And the funny thing is that the people that showed up to care about me, if I would have told you who I thought the top 20 people would be, none of those were the ones that turned up.
There were people I heard that heard me speak one time or that that I was did a workshop for them or whatever. And one guy showed up and and he stayed with me every Tuesday night because he'd had cancer before and I had lined him up with somebody to take him through the big book, you know. And that's what happens.
That's what happens here, you know. We love each other, you know. And I'm the luckiest woman in the world.
I am the luckiest woman in the world because I get to come here and love you for a while, you know, and you're you're you're very kind to listen to me and you're very kind to be part of my world, you know, and I'm honored to be here at your 60th anniversary. I am honored. I can't begin to tell you.
So, I will close with um my favorite prayer. Um it's one from Merin and it says, "I have no idea where I am going. I do not know the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will all end. Nor do I really know myself. And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I'm doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always. Though I may seem to be lost and in the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.
For you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. God bless you and thank you for my life. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
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