Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.

My name is Doug R and I'm a grateful alcoholic. >> And uh I'm delighted to be here. I want to thank uh the committee for inviting me.

Want to thank Richard for calling me and uh Deborah for emailing me and Don for picking me up in his badass truck and driving me around today. And um and I also also want to thank the uh the people who had to do with putting on this skit. I uh I I'm from actually I'm from Tahunga, California.

Uh thought Don thought he was pretty slick getting away with saying Southern California. Uh he actually could have said LA and and it would have been pretty close. But uh Tahunga is in the San Frernando Valley and every year San Franando Valley we put on a show, a musical comedy cuz we're in LA.

We got all this talent down there and it's easy to guilt them into you know hey well you know can't you give something for your sobriety you know and we get all these people all these professional musicians and singers and dancers and you know stage hands and so forth come in and we put on these shows. So I appreciate the show. I appreciate what it takes to uh to put on a a show like this.

And uh and besides that, uh I'm I'm uh I'm recently retired. Well, not recent, year and a half retired from uh from working in television and I the last seven years I was a propman on on the Price is Right. You know, so and I'll tell you something else about LA.

There's a lot of sober people in LA. There's 2400 meetings a week in Los Angeles and there's every kind of meeting there. You know, it's like there's some meetings where you are expected to wear a tie and a jacket if you're going to be at the podium and there are other meetings where you're expected to park your motorcycle inside the room.

And uh uh there uh but in and a lot of people work in the business in in LA. Nobody you around the country the business means different things but in LA it means show biz you know and uh so there's a lot of people working in show business and there's a lot of sober alcoholics so almost any show that I I spent 25 years working in that business and uh and the last seven years working on the prices right okay I was the head prop there was a guy or a woman on on my crew who was uh sober about two years behind me uh we had the art director who was Let's see about uh he was new at this at this point I'm going to tell you about. He was he had about a year of sobriety and then there was the scenic artist who had 17 years of sobriety.

So there was a lot of us around there and you know sometimes the meeting would just be you know we walking through the through the hallway doing your job going hey one day at a time you know keep it simple something like that you know you know easy does it. Yeah. And uh uh but occasionally we'd have a little coffee break.

we get, you know, get together, you know, it'd be like a real meeting all of a sudden, right in the middle of work. And and uh uh one time the art director who was fairly new, you know, he was a year sober compared to to the rest of us. He was fairly new.

And and he had a stress job, you know, and and he said, uh he said to us, "Tell me something, you guys. How do you keep from getting frazzled from this thing?" He said, "What?" Uh he said, "How do you how do you let the stress, you know?" And the scenic artist said, "What stress?" And he he said, "You know, do when you how long does it take you to to leave this stuff behind you when you go home?" And I said, "I I don't I don't take this home with me. I'm usually okay by the time I get to my car." And uh uh and he said, "How do you do that?

How do you do that?" And at that time at at CBS um was in West Hollywood at the corner of Fairfax and Beverly and there was one wall was all window at that time and you could look out at the corner of Fairfax and Beverly and see you know the the world out there and I so I took him over to the window. Come here. Okay, here's the deal.

life game show and um you know and and the thing is he thought it was clever. I thought it was clever too, you know, when I heard myself say it. Uh but it's one of those things it's one of those things that that your sponsor says to you or you hear yourself saying to somebody you sponsor because uh because some of that stuff that that u that we say that has the ring of wisdom really doesn't come from us.

And I and and I have had to use that myself on a number of occasions since then. You know when I get stressed out over something go oh wait a minute this is one of those life game show deals. So, it's a good metaphor for me to to uh keep things straight.

Anyway, I don't I don't even know why I I brought that. Oh, yeah. Because of your skit in the game show.

Okay, so we're done with the game show portion of this. We talk. I You know, I love doing this.

>> >> It it just tickles me to no end that somebody can call me from Montana, you know, and say, "Hi, you don't know me, but would you like to come to Montana and talk about yourself for an hour?" YEAH. YES. YES, I would.

Uh yeah. Uh how much is it going to cost? Oh no, we'll pay all your expenses.

And and you you know and usually when you when you when you arrive, somebody meets you and you know and says, "Uh, can we get you anything?" You know, "Are you hungry? here. You know, we we got we we've got you a nice hotel room and you got me a beautiful hotel room and and I want to say, you know, I didn't um I didn't invent anything, you know, I just like I just like spent a long time in my life uh hurting everybody who ever cared about me.

You know, falling down, breaking things, and losing things. Yep. You're the guy.

All right. So uh so I'm I'm you know uh it's sure I'll do it. Uh and yet I know some people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I know some very very good speakers who hate doing it. They they hate being asked but they do it anyway. I'm not like that.

Uh I don't even know if I'm a good speaker and I couldn't care less. Uh uh but I love doing it, you know. I I uh I wanted to be the speaker at the first meeting I ever went to and uh yeah, but they didn't ask.

And uh I was a little drunk that night and and you know, and it's pretty rare that they ever go, "Hey, let's get the drunk guy to talk." And uh so it's uh I remember some stuff about that meeting though. There was uh when I went to my first AA meeting, I was uh I was a little embarrassed for you all, you know, cuz uh I didn't uh I I didn't know I knew you could get My grandmother was a Pentecostal minister and she ran a Skidro mission in San Pedro uh down on the docks of of Los Angeles, Los Angeles Harbor and uh on Beacon Street, which is a real tough area of the Los Angeles Harbor. And uh my grandmother ran the Skidro mission down there, and she helped drunks to get sober, feeding them soup and Jesus.

So, I knew you could get sober on soup and Jesus. It just never seemed worth it to me. And and of course, I had I had friends who got sober in AA, and they never said anything about that God thing to me, you know.

So, I thought that AA was like the secular way to get sober, the way that the smart people got sober without God. I just assumed that nobody ever told me that. It just seemed like that to me.

And so when I went to AA and I saw all the stuff about God as you understand him and uh higher power or power greater than yourself and and uh trust God, clean house, help. Oh my gosh. You know, I thought, "Oh man, oh no." And uh so but you know, I I stayed anyway.

And uh um I didn't sit down. It was a uh it was a meeting. The first meeting was a meeting of about 50 60 people and there were empty chairs around the room and um places I could sit down but I just it seemed like if I sat down it would be like oh yeah I'm joining up you know like and I'm not a joiner.

You know what I mean? Uh I uh I'm I never fit any place in my life. I knew I wouldn't fit here.

I I I never I didn't fit in in school. I didn't fit in the workplace. I didn't fit in my own family, you know.

I I just I just didn't fit. When I was in school, I played football. I love playing football, but I wasn't a jock and I knew it, and the jocks knew it.

And and uh um I I surfed. I like I like surfing. I used to go down and surf all the time.

Surfed with the surfers, but I wasn't a surfer. And I knew I wasn't a surfer. And the surfers knew I wasn't a surfer.

And And I I like to ride motorcycles and build motorcycles. I did that since I was 15 years old. It was an obsession with me.

But I wasn't a biker and I knew it and the bikers knew it. So, um, so when I came in here, I knew I wouldn't fit here cuz I never fit any place in my life. And I was used to not fitting and I like not fitting to tell the truth.

I had no idea that I just walked into the biggest organization of misfits the world's ever seen. Um, cuz you didn't appear to be misfits. You all appeared to be people who used to drink, but now you don't drink anymore, and you're real happy about that.

In fact, you're just delighted about it. And uh so I wasn't like that. Uh I wasn't, you know, uh so I didn't want to sit down.

I kind of leaned against the wall in the back, crossed my arms and leaned against the wall. And there was another guy leaned against the wall back there. It was a cool section, you know.

Uh, you did some stuff. You did some stuff at that meeting that that was very very lame. It was real lame.

In fact, I don't know if you have some places in the country, they don't have birthday cakes in Cal Southern California. They have birthday cakes. They if you My home group is called the winner's attitude adjustment group.

It's a It's a 1-hour meeting. We meet at 7:00 a.m. every day of the year in the Little Brown Church in Studio City.

and um and you can come to our meeting, walk in there, nobody's ever seen you before. We don't even know if you're sober or an alcoholic and say, "I'd like to take a cake." And the secretary will bring out a cake and put candles in it and we'll sing to you and then you can talk for as long as you feel like you need to talk. You might talk 15 minutes into a 1-hour book study and then we say, "Thank you.

Keep coming back." You know, uh so that's what we do with birthdays or anniversaries as they call them in some places. But in so my first meeting in Southern California, I went and I didn't know about the birthday thing. Nobody, none of my sober friends had ever told me about it.

And they said, "Ruth is celebrating 18 years tonight." So I'm looking around for some 18-year-old tiny honey to get up and um you know, oh that's nice. Ruth's having a birthday. And uh and this woman got up.

Ruth was 50 if she was a day. And I thought she's 18. She ought to stop drinking.

She Yeah. Yeah. Cuz it's not working for her.

And And uh so but then uh then I realized what it was. I It hit me. Oh my god.

They're what they're celebrating. Of course, this woman has not had a drink in 18 years. And while I'm soaking that up, they start singing happy birthday to you and I'm looking around and everybody's into it.

I'm I'm not I'm in the cool section, you know. Uh and uh keep coming back. And she blew out the candles and I'm thinking this is some level of lameness that I could not have imagined.

I I if I was going to make stuff up about to make fun of AA, I wouldn't have thought of that birthday thing. and and uh um so Ruth gets up and she says, "I'm Ruth. I'm an alcoholic." "Hi, Ruth." And she said, "I want you to know that over this last 18 years of sobriety, I have attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day." See, somebody said, "Wow." You know, a lot of people in that room said, "Wow." And I I didn't I I Oh, I sort of did.

Wow. Uh but I thought, well, um you uh you kind of dumb, ain't you? You know.

Yeah. You're a little slow, ain't you, honey? Cuz see, I'm a I'm a quick study.

I'm like a hum a few bars and I'll fake it kind of guy. You know, I I I don't know how long it's going to take me to get this thing, but I know that it's not going to take every day for 18 years. I'm just convinced of that.

And uh so good for you, Ruth. That's good. Um and uh but I'm back there leaning against the wall in the cool section.

And this other guy who's leaning against the wall, I thought he was cool, but he wasn't cool. He was a newcomer catcher. And uh and uh you know, I didn't know you had them.

And he comes over and he nudges me. He goes, "Hey, I tell you what. You say sober a year, we'll give you one OF THEM CAKES.

REALLY? WELL, just just don't drink for a year, HUH? Can I get a cake?

No, I I'll tell you, I'm I'm not a big uh pastry eater. Uh, and if I wanted one, I'd you know, I'd just like stop at Safeway on the way home. I mean, actually, I'm going to stop and get a six-pack.

It wouldn't even be out of my way. Uh, but uh but thanks. Um, you know, I I knew he meant well and I I was I was happy for all of them.

But I tell you a couple of things that happened though at that first meeting. Uh that was one that stuck in my mind. And another one was at at the coffee break.

Three separate people, three individuals and not together, two men and a woman came up to me, you know, not like not like walking by, hey, how you doing, dude? You know, came up to me. Hi.

Uh put out their hand and said, "You're new." It wasn't a question. They said, "You're new." And I said, "Yeah." And they said, "Uh, keep coming back." Three separate people came up to me, put out their hand, and told me to keep coming back. And we were talking about that tonight at dinner.

You know, you remember people who do that to you. And yet we do that to people. And sometimes we're not I, you know, I was telling Dick tonight.

I might be saying, "Hey, listen. It's good to have you here. Keep coming back." Meanwhile, I'm looking at at cookies over here going, "What kind of cookies they got?" You know, those Oreos and chocolate chips.

But the person who I'm saying keep coming back to may remember years later that I welcomed him to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, so it's it's always good to put out your hand. But nobody nobody was telling me, "Keep coming back." You know, people who who genuinely cared about me were saying, "Stay away from here." Uh, you know, don't don't come over here, Doug.

Uh, okay. You know, it's like, "Hi, it's Doug." You know, um, you guys going to be home for a while? You know, no.

Uh, no, we're not. Uh, Doug, um, no, we're we you caught us. We were just going out the door.

We're We're not going to be here for a long long time. Okay, then. Love you, Mom.

You know, and and uh uh maybe this will uh give you the picture. I was uninvited to a wedding. I was disinvited to a wedding.

I had been invited. I was invited. I I RSVPd.

I bought him a wedding present. The wedding was a few days away and my friend Bob called and he said, "Doug, uh, Carol and I have been talking about it and we decided to ask you not to come to the wedding." Now, you think most people, most non-alcoholic people would say, "Oh, why is that, Bob?" You know, something I did or did you just overbook or you know, um, and it didn't even occur to me to ask him. I just said, "Okay." Um, cuz I I knew why.

Uh I whenever there's a function where there's drinking around uh I'm not my behavior is not predictable and uh and so they didn't want me screwing up the the most important day of their life. And also, we had been at a wedding the weekend before and uh all of us in uh you know, my circle of friends and I uh long story short, I I mooned the bride's mother and um it's considered a social phaupa in some circles and and I uh I didn't I didn't go there to moon the bride's mother, I'm sure. Uh, it just, you know, it's not like I was driving over there going, "Boy, boy, I can hardly wait to moon the bride's mother over, you know, but it just I was drinking and everybody was having a good time and I thought, wouldn't it be funny to show my ass why, you know, people will say, man, that Doug is crazy, you know, and of course they did." Uh, but it it didn't have the connotation that I I was hoping for, but um, and people would come up to me, you know, and say, "What's wrong with you?

How could you moon the bride's mother? Sorry. You know, I thought it was the groom's mother.

No, come on. Hey. Hey, lighten up, mankind.

It wasn't at the ceremony. It was at the reception for what? Am I an animal?

You know, and uh so uh that's when I got the nickname Doug Scusting and and that stuck that stuck for a while. Um, and uh, so what I'm saying is for for three strangers to tell me to keep coming back, I remember thinking, I you know, I think these people see my potential. Um, and the, uh, the secretary of that meeting said, uh, she said, if you're new here tonight, don't leave here without this book.

So, I left with the book. I bought the book and I took it home and um I I read the well I I didn't read it um but I I poured a drink and sat down and thumbed through it and um I have this ability to to look at the title of any chapter in any book and and know everything that's in the chapter. It's a, you know, it's a gift that I have.

And uh um so I'm looking through this book and I got, you know, doctor's opinion. Like I never have one of those. Yeah, you ought to not drink so much.

Okay, I know what's in there. Uh Bill's story. Chapter one.

Bill's story. Who cares? Uh chapter two, there's a solution.

Oh, I know what that is. That's a sales pitch. Hey, there's a solution to your problem, young man.

Okay, I know what's all that. uh more about alcoholism. I'm sure that's fascinating for a later read.

And uh uh and then I got to chapter 4, we agnostics. And my alcoholic brain perceived this. Ah, here's how the smart people got sober without God.

So, I read that chapter and I got done with that chapter and I thought I uh I must have spaced out because I uh I totally totally missed the whole smart people stay sober without God thing. So, I poured another drink and read it again. And uh and I did this about half a dozen times.

evidently missed the first paragraph where it says, "If when you honestly want to, you find you can't stop drinking entirely or once you start you have little control over the amount you take, then you're probably an alcoholic. And if this be the case, you may be suffering from a disease which only a spiritual experience will conquer. You know, where's the smart people thing?" You know what?

Like uh but I read that chapter several times that night and some stuff started to leak in, started to soak into my brain. Uh one of the things was about the fifth or sixth time I I got I read it. I saw this subtle little sentence that I think I think it's so subtle that most of us miss it at least on the first read.

Says, "We have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him." Isn't that an interesting thing? It's real subtle, isn't it? We have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him.

Evidently, the finding is in the seeking because this is not what I heard at my grandmother's mission. My Pentecostal grandmother indicated to me, anything I say about organized religion is not an indictment of organized religion. I'm talking about my alcoholic drunken perception of what organized religion was.

But it seemed to me that my grandmother's church said, "If you want God to even hear your prayers, you must be baptized. You must be bapt Oh, yes. And not sprinkled like some damn Methodist either." No.

No. No. I'm talking about soaked.

I'm talking about dunked. TALKING ABOUT WASHED IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB coming up shaking your head. SOMEBODY BETTER GIVE ME A TOWEL.

and uh I you know but uh here was Alcoholics Anonymous saying God doesn't make too hard terms. I had a girlfriend who was Catholic and it seemed to me that she had to go to communion and confession and um all whole bunch of other things only not even to talk to God. She still couldn't talk to God.

She could just like talk to his mom, you know, hello hello Mrs. God, you know, it's Patty, you know, tell him I love him, you know, and I uh and my friend Michael was Jewish. See, I had a I had an eclectic uh religious upbringing.

My friend Michael was Jewish. And Michael and I would go out to lunch and he would order a BLT. Hold the bacon, please.

And dude, you just ordered a salad on toast. You know, I don't know what that is. Uh Well, I don't want to get God pissed off at me, you know.

It's like, so, you know, and then besides then there were Buddhists and Hindus and and Muslims. Oh my. And and it just seemed like everybody had a different way that you had to approach God.

And so I it just it over the years it just I had way too much education in LSD to believe in God and and or anything the least bit mystical. And I and I made no distinction between Mother Teresa and Osama bin Laden. You know, uh if it was mystical, I don't want anything to do with it.

And if anybody, by the way, is is offended that I mention uh drugs, I which I just did in an AA meeting, uh my apology. I um it's it's just that it's part of my story and I didn't know, you know, what my story was going to be or where I was going to use it. And uh you know if uh like somebody would say uh you know I mean I if I had known if I had known I mean those first times somebody said hey man try this I would have said you thanks but I'm going to be speaking at an A meeting in 30 years and I don't want to piss anybody off you know.

Um, so, uh, but I only I only used every drug I ever heard of except for ones that I've heard of since I got sober. And um, and I'm curious. Ecstasy.

That's a nice name, isn't it? That sounds like something I would have liked, you know, but that's why we have newcomers. Good to talk to newcomers.

Did you ever try that ecstasy stuff, you know? Yes, I did. How was it?

Well, I'm here. Okay. All right.

That's all I need to know. And uh um so here was Alcoholics Anonymous in the big book in chapter 4 saying, "We have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him." That's what we found. So that got my interest a little bit.

Then I went on to read it uh one of my favorite sentences in the book written about me I'm sure before I was born and it says to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face. Got a couple giggles. Um, this is a this is a sentence designed for alcoholics to read because when we do, we go, "That's right." That's a pretty hard decision to make.

All right. Alcoholic death or a spiritual life? Now, I have yet to meet an Earth person who has a hard time with this decision.

Uh, in fact, here's one you can test. You know, get yourself a clipboard and go stand in front of a Walmart sometimes. Really, and stop people when they're coming out.

Excuse me. Uh, I'm taking a survey. Would you rather die an alcoholic death or live a spiritual life?

Yeah. And see what the normies have to say about it. cuz they generally don't have a hard time.

Uh, the very very curious normie might say something like, "Now, when you say alcoholic death, you mean the one where you puff up and turn yellow and choke to death on your own blood and vomit? Your esophagus erupts." Well, yeah. Uh, you know, but not right away, you know.

Yeah. No, you got to lose everything first, you know. You got to hurt everybody you ever cared about.

But yeah, that's the yellow puff up thing later on. What do you think? Now, go get in the long line.

You know, they all will. In fact, if you do this survey and somebody and you ask them, excuse me, alcoholic, death, spiritual life, and you get this >> >> Uh, are you going to be here tomorrow? You know, they're on our team, you know.

Yeah. Tell what are you doing on Saturday night? You want to go someplace with me Saturday, you know.

Uh, so, so this got my attention. This got my attention a little bit, reading chapter 4 over and over and over. But I didn't stop drinking.

I I I I went to AA for 8 months. I didn't have a home group, you know. I didn't want to get really too close to anybody, but I I started like falling in love with AA really cuz I started to realize that this I do fit.

I remember once when I was still drinking, I went to AA and I people were sharing and I identified with everything everybody said in the room and I thought, "God, I'm in a room full of Doug. Oh no. Oh no.

I'm joining up." and uh and I was going to meetings, but I didn't want to get really too close and I didn't have a home group and I didn't have a sponsor and I didn't read the big book except for occasionally chapter 4 looking for loopholes and and uh um I didn't have a commitment and I didn't take the steps and I was drinking every day but other than that I had a pretty good program and and uh I uh I I was I I went home one night from a meeting. I very often I would stop and buy a bottle of whiskey on the way to a meeting. Um and uh it's it's not a good thing to do, I guess.

Uh I would think, you know, like, okay, if it's a good meeting, then I won't drink it. You know, I'd leave it sealed under the seat and go to the meeting and then and then there wasn't any good meetings in 1986. And uh um fortunately, cuz then I would have had to throw away a perfectly good bottle of whiskey.

Um, so I would go home and drink this bottle of whiskey, and I did this on a regular basis. Um, so I I uh I went home one night after I'd been going to AA for 8 months. I did an experiment one time, actually before I before I came to AA, I somebody had told me that if you don't drink for 3 days that all the alcohol is out of your system in case you have to have some kind of test, you know, you're going to get tested for something.

So, I thought, "Oh, well, that would be an interesting thing to try and see how if I think I could go three days without a drink." I never tried it. You know, I like drinking. And uh so, uh I at midnight this one day, I decided, okay, starting midnight, I'm going to go three days without a drink.

So, midnight up, no, it's midnight, no more drinking. So, I went to bed pretty early that night. And then, uh I got up the next morning, I made my coffee, and I started to get out the whiskey to pour in the coffee.

Oh, that's right. Three days without drinking. I'm going to be sober, you know.

So, I just drank my coffee and I went to work. come coffee break. It's like I really wanted to get a beer or a halfpint or something and I but I didn't.

I just, you know, had coffee and talked to the guys and stuff and at lunch. Uh guys were drinking beer at lunch, but I didn't. Uh I just drank soda and ate my lunch and went back to work and then we were done at working at 4:00 and I started home and I'm think going home to God, you know, uh what uh I haven't had a drink since midnight.

Midnight to noon is 12 hours and then to 4 is what? Uh 16 16 hours almost 18 hours. 18 hours is uh uh 3/4 of a day of and uh 3/4 of a day is almost a day.

And uh if I can go one day, I can go three days. So I might as well just get something and drink it. And and so um so that was the only time I ever went actually 3 days without drinking.

And and which lasted 16 hours. So, so that's probably had to do something with the reason that that I was I was a little skeptical about stopping drinking. You know, I really didn't care for it.

And uh but this one night that I went home and I I had my fifth of whiskey and I was laying on the floor drinking and watching TV and I passed out. And that happened all the time. I woke up about 3:00 in the morning, turned off the TV, got my half a bottle of whiskey, crawled on my hands and knees across the living room through the hallway into the bedroom to go to bed.

And when I got in there, I uh I stood up to uh take off my clothes and I had this bottle in my hand and I lost my balance and I fell on my knees next to the bed and I spilled this whiskey and I picked up the bottle real quick and there was about this much left in the bottom but most of it was spilled on the bed and uh it was making its little puddle, you know, it's making this little whiskey lake in the middle of my bed. And I I watched I set the bottle down in a safe place. And um grabbed this bedspread and I started sucking the whiskey out of it.

Just sucking for all I was worth. And as some I a voice in my head said, "Hey man, that ain't right." You know, and I I that's Yeah, that's true. Uh there's whiskey in the bottle.

Man, are you thirsty? I'm not thirsty. I'm, you know, frugal.

Uh and uh um I saw myself sucking this whiskey out of the bedspread and and I just felt wrong about it and I felt alone and lost and I thought, I've been going to AA for eight months and I have not learned how to not suck whiskey out of a bedspread. I I'm not paying attention. And uh you know, I mean, I really did feel lost.

I can joke about it, but but I just felt absolutely lost. And um and I did something that well, I don't even think it was very smart. What I did was I uh I said, "God, if you're there, please help me." And I meant it.

I absolutely meant it. I didn't think there was anybody listening. It's not like all of a sudden I came to believe.

I just didn't know what else to do. It was a prayer of desperation and I can't even say for sure if I knew it was a prayer when I said it, but I said, "God, if you're there, please help me." And I just surrendered. I I went to bed.

I went to sleep. Now, I didn't quit drinking. The next day, I got up and I went to um work.

I went to um my favorite liquor store, my neighborhood liquor store on the way home from work, and I went in to get a half pint, and there was a guy from AA behind the counter of the liquor store. That couldn't happen. I knew everybody that was ever behind the counter of that liquor store, but there was an AA guy behind the counter.

Hey, what are you doing here? He said, 'What are you doing here? And uh so then I and I I was in a restaurant a couple days later and and uh started to order a drink in a part of town that I wasn't used to being in.

And the waitress was somebody I knew from AA, you know. Hey. And I'm I'm in the market in the liquor department reaching up for a bottle to put in my shopping cart.

And there's a gal from AA pushing a cart towards me. Hey, one day at a time, keep it simple. Isn't it a beautiful life?

you know, and uh and and these kind of things were happening every day. Um every day for a couple of weeks, there'd be these AA people and and one day after a couple of weeks of this, I was on the way to work about 6:15. I just killed a half pine of whiskey and and um I don't keep empty bottles in the car.

They're illegal in California. And uh uh they're useless, too. And and uh so um so I roll down the window and there's a guy from AA driving towards me at 6:15 in the morning.

And uh he waves and I throw a bottle out the window and and I thought, "What? Where are these people coming from?" And everywhere I go, there's these AA people. They're like cockroaches.

They just come at you like the sun comes up. Hey, let's have a meeting. Really?

Have we seen the president? know and and I thought you know it's it's like those miracles that they talk about in meetings and as soon as I thought the word miracle soon as the word miracle came into my mind it was sort of like I could hear God laughing you know uhoh and uh uh and I remembered that I had been on my knees and said, "God, if you're there, please help me." And I thought, "I'm a victim of miracles. I asked for help.

I got to help just like they say." And uh and it's and I it's the moment that I came to believe. It's the moment that I came to believe. You know, I I I can't express it any differently than that.

Uh and it's the moment that I started to hear the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I like to talk about the music of Alcoholics Anonymous because the lyrics the lyrics are very confusing. You know, when you're new, um, when I was new, I I must say the lyrics were the words, just the words, you know, what they all those regular things they tell you like, well, you got to surrender to win, you know.

It's like, okay. And uh uh you got to give it away to keep it. Well, I know what that is.

That means put some money in the basket, you know, that uh give it away to keep it. And um you know and I'd hear people say say I a couple of people say well the road gets narrower and I so I asked this one guy what is that what is that road gets narrower thing you know is that a good thing you know it's like I know it seems like it would be inconvenient you know I I I did a lot of one eye driving and it you know it seemed like it's something you wouldn't want and he said no no you know it's here's an example he said when I was when I first got sober I used to smoke and I would be driving down the street and I'd throw my cigarette butts out the I did it all the time. And then one day it just hit me.

Um I don't know it was from God or what, but I just realized I could start a fire, you know, throwing cigarette. I I need to be responsible and throwing them out the window. And then I realized I'm also littering.

Okay, it's just a cigarette butt, but it's contributing to the litter of the world. And so I started putting them in the ashtray and I dumped my ashtray in in a trash can. And and eventually I even quit smoking.

He said, "So, you know, it's I think that's what it means now. I understand that once somebody explained it to me, I understand that." And and so I'm now I'm walking around aa going, "Well, the road gets narrower, you know. You want to know what that means?" You know, well, but when Bob when Bob used to smoke, you know, it's like and uh and I one day I I said the there was a guy, he wasn't even talking to me.

He was talking to some guys he sponsored. And he said, you know, I'll tell you what, Alcoholics Anonymous is full of beautiful women. Beautiful in every way.

You know, they're beautiful in the way they dress, the way they look, the way they act, the way they talk. They're smart, funny women, sexy women, but I don't play. I leave them alone.

I'm a married man and I don't play. And I said, "The road gets narrower." And he and he and he said, "Excuse me?" Said, "The road gets narrower, huh?" He said, "Where'd you get that?" See, he I shouldn't even have been in the conversation, but uh I thought he'd be happy for my input, but uh said, "Where'd you get that?" I said in the big book. Well, I didn't, you know, but I I heard a lot of people get away with a lot of crap, you know, saying it came out of the big book.

So, uh, I said the big book. And he knew the book. And, uh, so I shouldn't have said that.

He said, you know, isn't that interesting cuz my book doesn't say anything about the road getting narrower. I I thought we got the same book. Maybe you got a different one.

Cuz my book on page 55, it says, "Why don't you come and join us on the broad highway?" Not the narrow road, the broad highway. And and then on 75 it says you're going to feel like you're walking handin hand with the spirit of the universe. Guess where?

On the broad highway. Yeah. Don't say nothing about no road getting narrower.

Where'd you get that, son? I said, you know, I'm I was just trying to help. Uh I uh and I was embarrassed and guys were laughing at me and but I hadn't started to hear the music.

Once I started to hear the music, the words started to make sense. I could dig the lyrics, you know, uh uh when I took my first honest 30-day chip. Now, I don't know if they have chips here in Southern California.

They give chips to help you, you know, so you feel good about, you know, 30 days and 60 days and 90 days and 6 months and 9 months. And so, I I had taken a lot of different chips. One time I took a chip at a group um I had never been at because I heard somebody at the coffee uh girl talking to her friend said, "Uh u my sponsor says I can't have sex for 6 months." So, I took a six-month chip at that meeting and um you know, just in case I might get lucky and uh I wish I had a picture of me at that meeting.

I I couldn't have got lucky in a women's prison with a pocket full of pardons, you know, but uh but just in case. Uh, so what I'm saying is, but by the time I got sober, I had enough chips to open a casino. Uh, but when I actually had 30 days and got up at the Burbank group to take my first honest 30-day chip and they said, "Anybody for that sober 30 days?" And I got up and I took the chip and I said, "My name's Doug.

I'm an alcoholic." Hi, Doug. And I felt like part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I felt like part of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time.

And I sat down and I was just just glowing and and I remember feeling just as happy about this guy who I didn't care for taking a 9-month chip as I was about my own 30-day chip. And I thought, "What's that? What is that?" You know, and and and people took cakes and uh and I was part of this thing.

And I at the coffee break, I started to go get my coffee and as a guy stopped me and he said, "Congratulations on your 30 days." Said, "Thanks." And he said, "You know what the secret is?" I said, "Um, no. Uh, don't drink, I guess." And he said, "Uh, hang on. Just hang on.

You think you can do that?" And I said, "Yeah, yeah, I can do that. I've been doing it 30 days now, you know." And uh, so I started to go get my coffee and there's a guy at the Burbank group named Jim Bees. One of these gladanded backs slapping alcoholics.

I've seen him all over a all over the country, you know. said, "Son, congratulations on your 30 days." And I said, "Thank you." And he said, "You know, you know what the secret is?" I said, "Yep. Hang on." And he said, "Nope.

Let go." All right. So, the secret's hang on. No, let go.

So, but I didn't care. I already started to hear the music. That's why the words didn't bother me.

I know the guy that said hang on, it's talking about keep coming back. He's talking about stay close, you know. Uh the and the and Jim that that told me uh let go is talking about let go and let God because once you start to hear the music, the word is just cook.

The word you can, you know, I'll give it an 86, Dick. You can dance to it. You know what I'm saying?

Um uh in uh in chapter 5 that's read at most meetings Jason read uh um tonight it talks about uh honesty a lot a lot in chapter 5 rigorous honesty not some regular honesty rigorous honesty whatever that is and and those who don't get sober seem to be constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves and even people with grave emotional and mental disorders can get sober if they have the capacity to be honest, you know, and I remember thinking, I don't know if I'm honest enough to stay sober. I don't I don't know, you know, I try I mean, I I I'm not a particularly honest person. The closest I ever came to real honesty, but my ex-wife said, you know, asked me if I slept with her sister and and I said, not a wink.

And and uh um you know, you know what I'm saying? So, you know, it's a stretch, you see. And and uh um and I'm not I'm not 100% honest today.

I'm I'm 14 years and 9 months sober. And uh um sometimes I lie. You know, I only I only do it when I'm divinely directed.

And um and you can tell you can tell, can you dick? You know, when God wants you to lie, you know, like when uh my wife says, "Um, honey, does this dress make me look fat?" You know, rigorous honesty. No, baby, I think it's a hogen.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Really? Cuz the dress looks fine on the hanger.

Uh and uh but let's go try it on the skinny chick next door. If it makes her look fat, then it's the dress. All right.

you know, uh that's called rigorous stupidity. And uh I uh I don't need to do that. A little white lie will suffice in that case.

And uh if a waiter says to me, this happens to me all the time. Waiters in a nice restaurant will say, "Sir, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" And I just I just lie to them, you know. I say, "Oh, no, thank you." Uh you know, cuz I mean, rigorous honesty.

Boy, you know what? I would I would like a cocktail instead of dinner. I I'd like Yeah.

I like a double bush mills neat and a margarita back and keep them coming cuz I got a pocket full of plastic and I'm a big old tipper. We going to party tonight. No, no, I'm just kidding, son.

Don't Don't um No, don't bring me any drink cuz I uh I got this disease. is it's a mental obsession coupled with a physical allergy and spiritual bankruptcy. For Christ's sake, you don't want that in your nice restaurant, do you?

You know, no, just just the coffee is fine. And and uh you know, yeah, you when you start to hear the music, then that's when the words start to make sense, you know. Um, I uh I was when I first got sober, when I finally got sober, I don't hold a record, but it seemed like 8 months was a long time to me, you know, to just come around drinking every day.

And I was desperate to stay sober. I was I'm I wanted to be here now. And so I was listening.

And if anybody said our big book says and I was all ears, I don't want to do that road gets narrower thing again, you know. And uh so the option was either listen when somebody's talking about the book or go ahead and read the damn thing. And and uh so I'm listening and uh this woman said this woman said, "Let me tell you something too.

If you're new, you might as well I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. Most people in here know this. Um, there are people with considerable time in Alcoholics Anonymous who will misquote this book from the podium.

I may have done it tonight. I don't know. I hope not, but it doesn't matter.

Uh, it's the the actual print never changes. So, if you want to know what's in it, go ahead and read it. Uh, and um otherwise, you may hear somebody uh who who doesn't mean uh to mislead you misquote the book.

And that's what happened to me. I heard this woman say, "Our book says, I'm listening. Our book says that our our drinking was but a symptom of deeper underlying causes and conditions.

It does say that. It says exactly that. But then she went on to add her own stuff without saying this is my opinion.

She said and if you don't find your deeper underlying cause and condition, you will drink again. And I thought, oops, whoops. Cuz I I have no clue what my deeper underlying cause and condition is.

you know, uh, somebody said to me when I was in high school, if you get her drunk, uh, you'll get the home run with her, you know, and, uh, and so I and I I did. And, um, I he was right. It's turned out was the first time I ever got drunk and the first time I ever had sex in front of a witness.

And, and, uh, you know, and and I just thought, well, this is good stuff. I'm going to keep doing this. And so I I uh I drank, but I I I you know, I I I wouldn't call it a deeper underlying cause and condition.

I don't come from an alcoholic family like many of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous do. One of the reasons I thought I wasn't going to fit when I got here. Um I never had a drink till I was 18.

I didn't come from an alcoholic family. My dad was the kind of guy who would who would buy a six-ack of beer and and drink one and put five in the refrigerator and leave them there. You know what I'm saying?

Leave them there for a week. You know, I mean, I got nothing against refrigerators. I just don't think it should get five when I should get one.

And my dad my dad would like be doing something on a Saturday afternoon, be working in the yard or working on his car, watching a football game or something, and he'd stop and have a beer. And then he would go back to what he was doing. And I don't understand that kind of drink.

And I if I have a beer, that's what I'm doing. And uh I my mother may be an alcoholic. I don't know cuz she won't drink.

And um you can't tell. You can't tell if they won't drink, you know. And I asked her one time after I was sober cuz I'm interested in this genetic predisposition thing, you know.

I said, "Hey, how come you don't ever drink? Are you an alcoholic?" And she said, "I don't know. Maybe." Um she said, "Well, you know, when maybe I am, cuz when I was young, I used to drink and every time I drank, I got sick, stupid, and obnoxious.

So, so I just quit." And uh I said, "Well, you you got to drink through that." You know, there You know, you know, I'm preaching to the choir here. Yeah, you got to drink through that. There's a promised land beyond sick, stupid, and obnoxious.

If I'm sick, stupid, and obnoxious is not even my problem. It's your problem. And especially if you're like the bride's mother or something.

And and uh so, you know, I I I didn't come from an alcoholic family. I had my parents lived for their children. They live for their children.

I I don't know why I ended up being an alcoholic. I have a sister who I have two sisters. One who drinks and she drinks like a normal person, whatever that is or why they even bother, I don't know.

But uh and then I have another sister who lives in Witchah and I went to visit her. I've never seen her take a drink in my life. And I I asked her, "Do you drink ever?

Do you you know go out with your friends and have a cocktail or anything?" think she said, "Well, I yeah, I'll have a glass of wine at midnight on New Year's." I said, "What? Every New Year's, you know, they call that pattern drinking." You know, you I'm kidding her, but she gets up. She gets defensive about it.

Well, not not every New Year's, you know. Like, why why not every New Year's, man? Why not just knock yourself out?

Why would you miss an annual glass of wine? And she now she's really defensive. She goes, "Well, I I I always mean to.

I you know, just sometimes the sometimes, you know, the uh kids are making noise. It's New Year's. The guns going off outside, the dogs are barking.

Sometimes I just forget. Ain't that funny? Sometimes I forget to drink my annual glass of wine.

I mean, I see the hands of people who would forget for I'd be shopping wine in October, wouldn't you? I mean, but they don't think about alcohol the same way we do, you know. So, anyway, I I looked over my life and I said, I don't see any deeper underlying cause and condition.

I just became a drunk, you know. Uh, so, uh, I remember when I was 24 years old, I went to see a show called Hair. It was uh, 1969.

It just opened at the Aquarius Theater in Hollywood. And it was about hippies singing and dancing and and uh, dancing nude and and drugs, sex, and rock and roll. And and I just fell in love with that show.

I went to see it and I just I just just was tore up from the floor up. I fell in love with that show. There was a character named Burger that swung on a rope and stripped down to a loin cloth and went out in the audience and harassed everybody.

He was a speed freak, leader of the tribe. And I said, "I could do that." So, so the next day I called the Aquarius Theater. I said, "Hey, I want to audition for your show." Now, you know what they should have said was, "Well, have your agent call us." But they didn't.

They said, "U, can you come in Friday at 1:00?" So I said, "Yeah." So Friday one, Friday in the morning, I'm I got my guitar out. I'm practicing the song I'm going to sing. And I and I'm, you know, because I think maybe if I sing good enough, I won't have to dance.

This is a Broadway show. And I don't know anything about dancing. Uh but, you know, I can sing.

And I'm So I'm practicing the song I'm going to sing. And I broke a string on my guitar. And when I did that, I was like, you know, hippies were like, "Oh, bad karma, dude." You know, so so I went into my roommate's room to see if he had the string I needed.

And right on his dresser, in the middle of his dresser, was the envelope with a little D-string in it. I said, "Ah, good karma, dude." And I picked it up and underneath it was a little white capsule. Yeah, I wonder what that is.

Oh. Um, cuz we didn't have a PDR. You pretty much had to swallow test everything.

And And uh, you know, somebody dies, you you just don't eat that green And uh, so uh, so it turned out it was THC. a synthetic marijuana and a and a nice little psychedelic. And uh so 45 minutes later when I got down to the Aquarius Theater to do my audition, I floated in there, you know.

Oh yeah. And my hair was long over my shoulders, you know. just swished when I walked and uh and I uh I had on these hip hugger bell-bottom pants, you know, bells about that big, you know, when I walked and no shirt, just a vest with six layers of foot long red, white and blue leather French.

I was a walking winch and I and they called my name and I went up on stage and I handed this sheet music to the piano player and he set it up and he winked at me. He started to play. I said, "WHAT?

I FEEL GOOD. And I see there's your rigorous honesty. You know what I'm saying?

You know, I felt very good. And um so I did this James Brown song. I felt like I was a godfather of soul, you know, and I was up there doing it.

I could see the people liked it, too. They were nudging each other. This kid sings.

And uh I got done, they said, "Great, man. Can you do something a little mellower uh for us, too?" You know, uh just to get a range. And I said, "Sure." I didn't expect that, but I I was on a I was on a roll.

So, I did Otis Reading's Dock of the Bay. I was so bad I made myself cry and uh and they loved it, you know. They said, "Great, man.

We just want to see you dance." So, I said, "Hit And the guy started playing and I started to move and my hair is coming around and I see the fringe on this vest going and and I heard somebody say, "Jesus, can he dance?" So they hired me. not not um not for the Los Angeles show. They hired me to go to Las Vegas for the the Vegas uh production.

And uh so I went there and and I ended up doing the um the lead rope burger, the guy who swung on the rope, stripped down to the loin cloth and was speed free leader of the tribe. It was a stretch, but I could do it. And uh and then we did six months in Vegas and we went on the road for three years touring the United States and Canada.

And we, you know, and it was just like a great life. People would come up to us after the show and and and say, "Uh, you were beautiful, man. You were great.

Here, have some pot, brother. It's sension. It's Maui." Wow.

It's Panama Red. Go, wa, cool. And and uh somebody would say, "Hey, man, have some acid.

It's sunshine. It's window pain. It's Osley.

It's Purple Haze. Great." You know, so some girl would come up and say, "I love you. Have me." When Well, okay.

And uh so you know it was like sex, drugs, and rock and roll traveling around the country getting paid for it. It wasn't actually it wasn't a bad job. And um but I look back at that experience and I thought that's what happened.

I was just, you know, trying to sing and dance and have fun and they push all this drugs on me and I had a reputation to maintain and and I started drinking and I became a drug addict and an alcoholic and ruined my life. And I called my sponsor Jim. I found it.

What do you find now? I said, my deeper underlying cause and condition. Oh, let's hear that.

He said, you know, hair. He said, hair. Well, we don't want you drinking over your hair.

Why don't we just cut that bad boy off? You know, no, no, no, no, no. Remember, remember I told you about the show?

Remember the show I did? you know, I traveled around and I was like a big star and everything. Remember I told you about He said, "Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. You you told me you were loaded when you auditioned for that show." See, I already told him too much. And uh um I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Let me tell you something.

Most people, most non-alcoholic people, when they go to interview for a job they really want, won't take a drug that they can't identify." Where do they learn that stuff? you know, isn't that what your sponsor says to you? You go, "Where did you get that?" You know, and uh yeah, okay, that's right.

Uh that's right. Then I don't I said, "Then I don't know what my deeper underlying cause is, and I don't I don't know if I'm going to be able to stay sober." And he said, "Oh, I don't know what mine is either. Don't worry about it.

You know, if you want to look for it, fine. It'll give you something to do between meetings. But meanwhile, you will go to a meeting tomorrow.

You will also call me tomorrow and you'll read that book tomorrow." And my sponsor used to say, "Read this book every day." I love this. Jim Sass, my first sponsor, said, "Read this book every day. If you can't read a chapter, read a page.

If you can't read a page, read a paragraph." I can't remember hearing anybody but him ever say that. And I wish that was one of our cliches cuz that's if you can't read a chapter, read a page. If you can't read a page, read a paragraph.

You got the rest of your life to recover, but you need to stay on it, you know. And uh so I did what he said to do and uh I finally got through the book a number of times, you know, and and I still I still read this book. And I never did find my deeper underlying cause and condition.

I I I finally settled on trauma from circumcision, you know. I I don't know, you know, got to settle on something, quit looking. And it if it happened to me today, it'd make me a little restless, irritable, and discontented.

Um, I want to tell you one thing be when I was two years sober, my father, I was uh talking to my dad and I said, "Listen, I owe you some money. I need to pay you back." And he said, "Don't worry about that money. It's it's it's nothing.

You know, I I don't need it and I don't want it. It's just it's it's all gone. Look at your life.

That's all I want is for you to be happy. That's all your mom and I wanted for you." And I said, "That's fine for you, but we got this ninth step that says I have to make amends for harms that I did. And I think borrowing money and not paying it back is a harm.

I figured I must owe him two or three grand. I borrowed for a long time and not paid most of it back. And and uh he said I said, "You know how much I owe you?" And he said, "No, I don't know, but I got it in the computer." You know, yeah, I don't need it.

I don't want it. I just like to look at it once in a while. And uh you know, so I said, "Well, let me know how much it is." So he sent me a bill.

He sent he printed it all out. He add it in a computer and uh it was the balance was $7,200 and change. And yeah, I lost track, you know.

It's a good thing I didn't save up three grand. Here's the money I owe you, you know. Yeah.

Well, you're a little light. And uh u you know, so I started sending my dad a check every every Friday. Uh whatever I could afford.

It there was no payment schedule. I'd send him 20, 30 bucks, you know, 50, 100, whatever I could afford. And and I also I I couldn't just put a check in an envelope and send it to my dad.

So I put a note in with it, you know, and write on a piece of paper or post it or you know, whatever. But I always send him a note in a check every single Friday. I never missed a Friday.

And after about 3 years, he called me and he said, "Do you know how much money you owe me?" And I said, "No, I have no idea." And he said, "Uh, $32." Really? $32? Are you sure?

And he said, "Yeah." And so, uh, we went to meet for dinner and just the two of us. And, uh, I gave him his 32 bucks and he gave me a closeout notice with everything I had paid. And, uh, and another thing happened that night.

My dad reached for the check and I let him get it. My dad always reached for the check, but I would fight him for it. Hey, let me get this, you know.

Come on, Dad. No, no, this is a father's job. This is what a dad does, you know.

Come on. Let me buy dinner. And I never realized till I put that baggage down how how much baggage I was carrying.

We don't till we set it down that I was going, "No, no, you don't buy dinner. Let me buy dinner. I owe you all this money." You know, let me at least buy dinner.

I And and after u after I got that debt paid off, I could let him buy dinner. It didn't bother me. In fact, I was proud of him and he was proud of me.

And my dad died a couple years ago. And uh I was uh going through some stuff of his with my mom, some financial stuff that she needed to find. And um and I found in his file cabinet a file that said Doug.

And I pulled it out. Of course, maybe it's my inheritance, you know. And it was it was it was it was every note I ever sent him.

He cashed the checks. Um but uh but he saved these notes. I opened this thing up and there's like 150 notes, little piece of paper and postits and stuff and I knew what it was immediately and I you know and I was just shocked.

I said to my mother, "Oh my god, did you know he saved all these notes?" She said, "Oh, he cherished those notes." She said he said, "I uh I told him one time, you know, Doug sure loves you." And he said, "Uh, I know. I got it in his own handwriting." So, this is a gift that uh that I had only because I did the ninth step. I did the ninth step because you told me that I might not stay sober if I didn't.

And I believe and I from my own experience and from people that I work with and friends of mine, people that I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous, that every single step comes with a personalized gift from God, great or small. Um, and you don't know what it is until you do the step and then you get the gift. Uh, that just seems to be the way it works, you know.

Uh, I got this gift from my dad from beyond the grave. I'm trying to stay sober and um, you know, I I I've repaired relationship with my daughter. My daughter my daughter's stepfather asked me not to come over to their house anymore.

Said, "Well, he said I can come over sober. don't come over here drunk anymore. And I left there and I was crying so hard I couldn't drive cuz I knew he was right and I thought he loved my daughter more than I did.

And I stopped at a liquor store and got a half pine of whiskey. And once I started drinking then I could drive again. Don't try this at Walmart.

They won't understand that there either. Thank you for my life. If if you're if you're new here in Alcoholics Anonymous, please stay until you hear the music and and you will hear it.

There's a rhythm and a harmony and a melody that runs through this thing. It makes all the words make sense. And if you shared a laugh with us tonight, you've been part of the music.

Thanks again. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>