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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> I told you to stay in the car.

>> I'm Carl. I'm an alcoholic. >> I got two microphones.

That's uh so yeah, I just introduced myself. I I want to say first uh if my story sucks, it's God's fault I prayed. Um and uh Billy asked me to get a CD to him, so blame him.

Um blame everybody else but me. Uh um exactly. Uh I have a sponsor, his name is Worth P.

Uh he got sober about a month and a half before I did. Uh, you know, a lot of people go doesn't have 20 years more than me. Well, you know what?

Um, from the class of 96, which is when I got sober, he's one of the few left. And, uh, he knows everything about me and I trust him with my life. And I can guarantee you that uh, when Bill and Bob and, you know, Clarence Snider and, you know, RT and some of these old guys were first getting sober, they weren't going, "Well, Bill, you don't have a year, you know.

Are you has your sponsor said you're ready to sponsor? And you know, they'd had a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps. They had something to transmit.

So, uh uh he has a sponsor as well. Um I sponsor people. Uh I have a home group.

It's uh the Goodwood group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet in a little scout hut at uh Broadmore Baptist Church on Goodwood Boulevard in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Uh, I hear a lot of speakers a lot of times, and my home group's the best home group, and if you don't feel that same way, you need to get a whole another home group.

And I I don't know if my home group's the best home group, but I do know that when I walked in there, I I was going to meetings in early sobriety. And uh, they would talk about that book, and I don't know if y'all noticed, but the book is a myth because you go to meetings and it's hidden. People don't have it.

You know, you need to get the big book. What is it? Where is it?

I don't know what you're telling me about. You know, you know, you you know, and I went to that meeting and uh they had that book and they read from that book. In fact, last night I was uh last night I needed a meeting and I needed to go to my home group.

And um I have no idea what I'm going to tell y'all tonight. Um I have the gift of gab. I I'll tell you about my job.

I'll tell you about what kind of jobs I've had. And it's dealt with talking. It's dealt with sales, dealt with people.

Um it should be what I'm good at. And tonight, I have no idea what I'm going to say. But um I needed a meeting last night.

And the one thing about my home group is that as I'm pulling up into the parking lot, I'm going, "Please don't let me hear about your dog getting run over. Please don't let me hear about your shopping problem." I got in, they were talking about the sixth and seventh step. They're reading out of the literature.

It's why it's my home group. I don't know if it's the best home group, but it's my home group. Now, with that resume being said, because that's what all the big special speakers say.

I have a sponsor who has a sponsor, and I have a home group. So, I've said all that. So, now I'm qualified.

I've been sober, and life has been good. Thank you. Um, not so much.

Uh, I'm also I don't know. I I'm usually the tie guy and, you know, dress right behind the podium. Not tonight.

Uh because I'm just I'm not in that mode tonight. It's not where I'm at. Um I'm hoping by the end of the night that uh you don't see all this, you know, this presentation I'm bringing.

I hope y'all see me. Um my sobriety dates June 12th in 1996. That's when I got sober.

Um I was 15 years old when I got sober. So, okay, there was a couple out there, 15. You know, the amazing thing is is I was actually last night after the meeting, this is to talk about age and young people's and stuff.

I went out to eat with some people because that's what we do. Even when we don't want to, even like when we're just like, "No, really, y'all should go hang out and let me go be by myself." And, you know, they're like, "Oh, no. Come on." And you know, I went and had really bad uh uh food at a really bad restaurant and you know, just hung out.

But uh there was an older guy there and he was talking about this young people's meeting that meets on Wednesday nights in Baton Rouge and he was talking about you know when I went there I just couldn't relate. And I said really you know because if we get around in the room and we talk about alcoholism you know if I ask 30 years what what just give me an ingredient to alcoholism. It's fear.

You know if I ask Billy back there what do you think? resentment. We come up with all this stuff and none of us say alcohol.

That's alcoholism, you know. And he was telling me he couldn't relate, you know. And it was funny because I was going, you know, because you had the same alcoholic checklist I had when I got here.

You said, "Well, y'all never wrecked a car and y'all never got divorced and y'all never lost a job. So, apparently either y'all aren't alcoholics or I'm not alcoholic." Well, when I got here, I was like, "I didn't get divorced. I didn't lose a job." You know, uh, I couldn't qualify under those means.

Um, but I I got to to some meetings around some people that had uh they had been through what I had been through, but they also talked the language of the heart. They talked about I'm just going to end up tearing this thing up. Anyways, um they talked about the same thing that uh that I that I went through.

You know, they they talked about uh pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Um so, you know, when I tell people, "Yes, I got sober when I was 15." I I immediately look for the look like, "Oh, come on." You know? Um but the good thing is I'm I'm not going to drink for that long, so you won't have to worry about that.

Um you know, but uh uh I do want to say I'm also not a drug addict. Sorry. Uh I I I I have no solution for you if you are.

Um, I will talk about two outside issues in my story most likely and they were a result of my alcoholism, but I I I was not a drug addict. I'm an alcoholic. Um, and the funny thing is though is that as I tell you my story, hopefully you'll realize how little alcohol had to do with it.

Um, and still has so little to do with it. Um, first thing I ever knew about alcoholism, my grandfather, he was uh one of the most cheerful men I ever knew and uh he died in alcohol. He died due to alcoholism.

I was about 5 years old and my uh my birthday is December 20th and of course you all know when Christmas is. I'm not going to tell y'all. It's kind of redundant but uh you know so it was this big thing.

we were going for the 85 family reunion and we were going to show up and it was going to be this big deal and everybody was going to be there and so uh you know I was going to celebrate my birthday and Christmas and and uh you know went over there and it was a couple days uh after Christmas some of the family had left and and I'm sitting there by myself uh me and my mom and my my grandfather and he's sitting and I can still remember this little leather um sofa chair and really nasty green carpet like it was really shag green like This house was built like late 60s, early 70s. Um, and he looked at my mom and he said, "Sissy." And he called my mom or sister. And he said, "Sissy, go give me go give me some turkey." And she said, "No, daddy, I'm not going to." And I thought to myself, and this is, of course, Bill talks about a boomerang that would turn in its flight and all but cut him to ribbons.

And this is the funny way I think because this sort of thinking is what would end up showing that I was a real alcoholic. Because in my mind, why would you not give him turkey? You know, now granted, I'm thinking cut the turkey.

I didn't see the glass in his hand and he's wild turkey. And you know, she says, "No, glass goes flying against the wall." But here's what I'm talking about. Here's the logic.

If that's what happens when you keep him away from turkey, why would you not give it to him? >> Why? You think he's bad when he's drinking?

Look at him now. chill him out a little bit, you know. Um, and and there's the truth is because that's that's really me.

I would learn later on that I I I'm bad news when I drink. But take away alcohol, leave me untreated, and I will show you how just disturbingly horrible of a person I can be. um you know and so that was my first thought about alcoholism and it made complete sense because I thought if that's what he wants give it to him why make him angry.

Um he died two years later from alcoholism. Uh I had an uncle, my mom's brother who my dad I I feel sorry for my dad. My dad was an only child.

His dad died when he was four. He had no brothers, no sisters, no male figure in his life. So, you know, when I reared my ugly head, of course, but he he had no history of alcoholism, you know, he really didn't.

Now, my mom, it like my I have a nine sister who's nine years older than me, and I think because she kind of, you know, she had some stumbles and some falls and she she got through school and she ended up growing up. She's got three kids now. She's married, doing great.

And I think my parents thought, you know, my mom thought that married this really nice guy who was actually born in Jackson, Mississippi. Um, is where he's born, man. It's not what he claims.

I'm I'm just joking. Just joking. But uh um you know, if I marry this guy who, you know, who's not from where I'm from and I get out of this small town in Louisiana and I go to some big school um LSU, um you know, go to this big school and and get away, things will be different.

and and they probably were for her and my dad and my sister, you know, but it didn't skip me. It landed on my face. Like I I got it, you know, full-fledged.

Uh so, you know, I I found out I had an uncle who died in a drunk driving accident. I get sober, I find out it was with a brick wall, you know. Um I had another uncle who, you know, didn't visit a whole lot.

I found out he did a lot of time for drugstore cowboy, you know, I mean, that's what he did. Um, a lot of a lot of the activities and and and and things that that made complete sense to me seem to be in my family. Um, I have no opinion about what really physically makes an alcoholic.

Um, apparently there's some good Last time this happened to me when I was telling my Well, that's a whole another story and it has a really crazy ending that I'm still trying to figure out. Um, you laugh. Um uh I had a couple sponses the last time I was speaking somewhere and I had some sponses call me and I was like, "Hey man, I'm telling my story." Okay, good luck.

But uh they were checking in, you know, good for them. But um you know, uh I grew up in a family that that really is an amazing family. They're good people.

Um they've always been good people. Uh, I I I feel like the mothership dropped me off. Um, we have a family portrait in the house and there's my brother-in-law and my sister and my mom and my dad and my nephew and my niece and my sister just actually in October gave birth to my new niece and I love her to death.

She's beautiful. Um, and uh, then there's me all the way off to the side. um physically about alcoholism, I don't know.

There's some good doctors out there. You know, one of them wrote a little something in the front of that book and and I tend to leave the opinion of allergies and things like that to people like that. I tend to kind of go ahead and agree with them because it seems to have made a lot of sense.

Um but as far as the feelings, the emotions, the instincts, the things that I suffer from, that's alcoholism for me. That's the thing I really suffer from because like I said, if I don't take a drink physically, I don't seem to crave alcohol. I don't start that, you know, and if I stay away from obsessing about it, then I don't tend to go physically towards the drink.

But if you look at the four step, it talks about when we straight when we, you know, when we when we get take care of the spiritual malady, we straighten out physically and mentally. What's funny is that if you look what precedes a relapse, people don't spiritually get correct and then mentally they obsess and then physically they take a drink. So mentally and physically I may be all right, but if I'm spiritually broken, I really don't stand a shot.

And that's what I've suffered from from day one. Um, great family. Uh my sister uh dated this guy who uh he was a real winner.

Um was into the tough love, that kind of thing. Um rode a Harley. He was super cool.

Showed up really drunk. Uh physically showed her how much he loved her. Um, and when I was about nine years old, after enough of the damage he had done to me and to my sister and and uh my parents had had a restraining order on him, uh, all kinds of stuff.

And uh, he showed up and she had got she they had gotten in a fight and she had gone out and she went with one of her friends or whatever and it was a male friend that she grew up with or whatever and it's this big deal and he was like, you know, you went out with so and so. Yeah, she went out with her friend so he could console her cuz you're beating the everliving snot out of her. And so he showed up drunk and broke her nose, you know, and I'm 9 years old.

I go very casually, I don't know how casual I was, kind of run, but I go into my room. I go grab my little uh T-ball bat and I go over and the last thing I remember is going after him. Now I wake up to cops gra, you know, showing up, my next door neighbor screaming and crying and calling, you know, police, my parents, my sister wondering what's going on.

At 9 years old, I broke his collar bone, his wrist, and two ribs. And I have no idea why. I I just I lost it, man.

You know, and and I that is not just about anger. That's that's everything. I have been doing some crying lately.

I did not think I was capable of crying like I've been crying lately. When I get happy and truly happy, when I'm filled with the fellowship of the spirit, I cannot even begin to describe to you what kind of joy I have. When I'm in love and I see beauty, there is not a language that I can use to describe it.

It's just the truth. So here with anger and fear I lose it. Now this starts a whole big long parade of uh going to uh doctors and neurologists and you know this is what's wrong with you and you know I mean the funny thing is is from that day until the day I stopped drinking which was a still a a whirlwind of seeing doctors and going places uh Don Pritz once said this and I truly believe it.

He said that, you know, when when he would see these shrinks and he'd be in jail and the and the the the jail house psychiatrist would come talk to him and stuff, they would all come around and they would be like, "Well, you're a sociopath. Well, you're insane. Well, you're you've you're a psychopath.

You know, you've got borderline personality disorder. You've got associative displacement disorder. All this abandonment issues." And the thing is, Don said they were absolutely right because it was alcoholism.

That was the underlying issue with all of it. You know, why did I have borderline personality disorder? Because once I start drinking, I cannot tell you what personality is going to show up.

Just don't. You know, uh it's the same way when I'm sober, if not worse. There's the sad part.

There's the sad part. You think I'm bad when I'm drinking, man? Come on.

Uh, so I'm 9 years old and I'm hanging out and I I made some friends uh with some people in the neighborhood. Um, I I I was very resentful at my family. My dad was a a survey contractor and he used to do surveys and in the 70s for those who are alive and remember it real well, there's a big oil boom in the country and the country was doing great and anybody who had money invested and anybody who was doing any type of oil work was making money.

They were building. They were p contracts were everywhere. My family was living good.

They lived in Brazil. They lived in Africa. They lived in Spain.

They they they lived in Mexico for four years. They did all these things that were so amazing. Hey, Laney.

Um uh you know, they they did you know they lived all these places. And so there's these slides. My dad used to love to show these slides of uh you know, my sister and and and standing on these temples in Yucatan, Mexico at four years old.

And I'd be like, "All right, you know, great." Because, you know, that I thought that's well, see, I was born in 1980. So then the oil crisis happened and my dad went from living with a certain budget and certain style of life to well, we were pretty broke. Um, and you know, I I had to do things like wear my sister's jeans to school because that's what we could afford.

Really, it wasn't afford, it was pass it down. Um, you know, uh, I remember when they said, "We're going to Buxy to the Seagull Motel." And I went, "Joy, you had Rio de Janeiro. I've got sewer water that goes out to my knees for a mile.

Maybe I'll step on a bottle." You know, uh, you know, and I was very resentful, right? So, I made friends with some kids in the neighborhood that that were a lot like me or whatever. Uh, you know, upset, just didn't feel right, whatever.

And uh one of my friends, Wes, who who I I love and miss dearly. Um it he had an older sister. It's always a story.

Um and so my dad has this wet bar in the back of the bar and she's like, "Hey, you know, come hang, you know, let's go to Carl's parents house. You know, it's after school that my parents are still at work. Um, you know, and at this time I'm very ashamed uh to show people my parents house and to show people where I'm from because it's not that great and it's not a lot there.

There have been rats that have been there. You know, I was just I was not proud of where I came from. You know, I really wasn't.

And um but you know, this girl was coming over, which today when I look at my story, I wonder what was I thinking at nine years old. What was I really thinking? Man, I must be upsetting people.

They keep leaving. But uh at nine years old, what what was I think at Hey, come hang out. Check yes or no.

I mean, I I don't know what I was looking to accomplish, you know. And um she comes over and she's like 12 cuz I'm going to get real far. Um and she comes over.

My sister had just had me watch the movie Cocktails, you know, with Tom Cruz where he's flipping the drinks and everything. So, I'm like, "All right, I got you." So, she's like, "Let's get a screwdriver." I said, "Simple screwdriver. That's simple.

None of this fuzzy whatever, you know." Um, so said, "All right, you know, do a screwdriver. Get this orange juice." And I get the one thing that I've always known, always loved because it was that first drink. And it was Jamaican Myers rum.

For those who don't know, a screwdriver typically is vodka. I came out with purple syrup. Um I needless to say, there was no second date.

But uh um I had this big like little thirst buster cup or whatever from Circle K and you know he took a drink and I took a drink and she took a drink and he took a drink and I took a drink and uh you know it happened. Um released from care, boredom and worry. Man uh I I I felt ease and comfort.

Uh I am not like a lot of speakers I hear. I did not get better looking. I did not get smarter.

I did not become faster. I did not um what did happen is that for the first time in my life being you know uh 20 pounds underweight, scrawny, um pale, which not much has changed, but I became okay with that and I became able to talk to her. I became able to not worry about what kids thought about where I came from or not having, you know, whatever.

Um, now there's there's the tricky part. I used to think that an alcoholic was like the Skidro bum and that they just couldn't help it and and they it was just so bad and the reason why they drank was some horrible reason. Was some horrible reason that they drank.

But even the Skidro bum and even me drink for the same exact reason. It's the same reason why normal people drink. We like the effect produced by alcohol.

Nothing else. My dad is the furthest thing from an alcoholic. He really is.

He There's a big St. Patrick's Day parade where I'm from and it used to be he would, you know, get this big keg. I would have to float it for him because he couldn't finish it.

Um, he's not a drunk. He's not an he doesn't drink like I do. He doesn't think like I do.

But point is, I drank for the same reason everybody else did. I saw that if I took a drink, if I could do the same thing, my grandfather when he drank, he was okay. He wasn't any better.

He wasn't any, you know, he wasn't super human. What happens over time for me is that I take that drink for ease and comfort. Over time, the well-known stages of a spree, I may take that drink and everything will be all right.

maybe have a little bit of fun, but about, you know, down the week or whatever, somewhere along the line, I start craving it and I drink and then I can't stop. And all the times that I promised I wasn't going to drink, I end up drinking. Um, so I found I found alcohol and I love it, you know, still do to this day.

I wouldn't be an alcoholic if I didn't. I mean, I love alcohol. Look at what it does for people.

Makes them enjoy themselves, >> you know. Um, I kept drinking and I went to school and and and by the way, at 9 years old, I was not club hopping. Um, it was more or less pitching a tent in the backyard, me and Wes and couple of guys stealing some nudity magazine and getting our G.I.

Joe's. And, you know, um, you know, it was one of those things that we just whenever we could, we got an opportunity and we drank. Um or what happened over time though is that uh needed more and more needed the ability to keep going and uh I was about probably 12 or 13 or so.

And uh I I had gotten into I'm going to say some things that are dirty words, okay? They're very profane, horrible words. They're words like God, you know, home group.

I'm also going to say words like drugs. They're part of my story. I'm not a drug addict, but I mean, they were around.

Now, what I'll tell you about drugs, though, is that I wasn't so much into doing them as I was seeing as it was an entrepreneurship. Um, I've been in sales my whole life, Stephanie. Um, so I'm about 13 or so and a couple of my friends older brothers and whatever and they're, you know, they're getting, you know, this, that, and the other and and I start noticing that, you know, when I hang out with these guys and I'm drinking and having a good time, I keep having to wait and I keep having to, you know, try to mingle my way and and and, you know, get in there to to get whatever I want.

And I said, you know, get rid of those guys. Go talk to the source. So, uh, at 13, I started a very young business.

Um, young businessman. Um, and this is the kind of insanity I deal with. 13 years old.

I get told, "All right, first job, go out here." And there's the Bella Baton Rouge Casino. At the time, it was Argusy Casino, and they were just opening because Argusy had taken over, and it was this big deal. And so, a couple of friends of mine, they're going to go out to the parking lot, a little hand eye coordination, whatever.

And, uh, you know, we're going to take off. We show up, little hand eye coordination, little scuffle breaks out, and then I hear those fateful sounds. Pow!

Pow! Pow! I go running and I'm running and I'm running and I get all the way home and I get that thought, "I cannot live like this anymore.

I will die. I've got to get a gun." Sane thinking to me, "I'm not going to let you shoot me." So, at 13 years old, I I stole my father's 38 special. Um, there's a story with that, and I I'll get to that later, but it's very sad.

Um, uh, you know, going and and and I and I'm moving up the ranks of corporate enterprise. Um, I'm getting promotions. Uh, I'm I'm getting a little bit more of a corporate expense account.

I can relate to Bill. You know, I had I had the good uses of an expense account and the ability to do things that that uh other salesmen weren't able to do because I I was good at my job. Um also later on in that year, I I I had alcohol poisoning.

I got sent to a hospital at 13 and my parents were like, "Oh my god, what's wrong?" And you know, I had bottles under my bed and and everything and and and I end up in this hospital for three days and and I get out and uh you know, that was that was one of the first times where I really started looking at it and going, you know, I don't know, maybe something needs to stop. So, but I didn't. Um so, I kept drinking and uh around that time I had met Id met some people in this this middle school I was going to.

And one of these guys, real real funny. I hated this guy cuz he was just he was I don't know. He was good.

Like he was just really good. Like he just was a good guy. And so I drank to be him, you know?

That's what I wanted to be. Now I overshot the mark every time. But you know, I he just he was such a nice guy.

I couldn't stand him. Well, his sister took kind of a liking to me. So, we decided to go to this little sixth grade dance, whatever.

Um, well, through that, I end up becoming his best friend. Irony. Um, you know, Mr.

Good Guy and the drunk. Um, uh, and we become real close friends. And I can tell you to this day that every time I walked into his house and hung around his parents and hung around his grandfather, anytime I was around any of his family, that was the safest I ever felt.

And never knew why. Never knew why. Um, so you know, I'm I'm kind of like losing touch with him, you know, and I'm kind of doing my thing.

And at 14, I had gotten a a really big opportunity in business. I had been asked to uh go on a a uh a road trip um um west um towards very large state in which a very large country is under it. Um, and I was not going to go there, but I was going to stay in Texas.

And I was asked to go there and to hang out in this hotel room and these two older guys were going to go do whatever they do and everything was going to be all right. And uh, you know, I'm drinking and I'm drinking and I'm hanging out and having a good time and I'm making money and and things are good. And they come back and we take off.

My friend's driving. He flicks a cigarette out the window. Little swerve when he does it.

There comes those blue lights. Now, here is the I don't know I don't know if alcohol does this for y'all, but for me sitting in that very moment, I uh I felt a sense of ease and comfort because there was no denying what was going to happen. There was no, "Well, maybe we'll get out of this." You know, we weren't.

a 14-year-old, a 17-year-old, and an 18-year-old in a car that was not registered to them at 3:00 in the morning coming from Texas into Louisiana with no story of we were on vacation or visiting family. We're not related. We're going to jail.

That's just all there is to it. And uh Statie pulls us over and uh you know, I began a long trip from uh Boer uh City Juvenile to to Lula Juvenile to St. James Juvenile down to uh what is now Ryan's airport or LTI.

Now, here's where the delusion comes in because as I'm going from each place, you know, you get in and you're sitting on that cot. I don't know how it is in in Mississippi, but in Louisiana, a lot of the juvenile facilities, it's more or less like CS and it's kind of like summer camp, but it's for all the bad kids. Um, you know, you still kind of play board games and kind of hang out.

You go to school, but it's like, you know, you don't always use your pencil to write. you know, you got to kind of keep it by your side just in case. And um and you know, every time I would go to a new place and you know, people like, "What are you in for?" And I, you know, I'm like, "Nothing, man.

I'm getting out here in like a day. My parents are coming." Schuman, get on the bus, you know, and now I'm getting shipped down to And every time I showed up, I was so sure they were showing up. They never did.

Uh, I ended up in front of a judge at 14 years old with uh possession of a stolen firearm, uh, possession of, uh, schedule three and schedule two narcotic, uh, uh, intent to distribute, interstate trafficking, and truency, being out after curfew. I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to go to a juvenile facility until I'm 18 and if I don't behave 21 and you want to throw in truency, thanks judge.

We will remain nameless. Um I couldn't have my license in the state of Louisiana. All these things they sent me in front.

My my lawyer says, "Here's what we're going to do. Since you're a minor, we're going to put you in juvenile court by yourself. Uh well, you know, wrong kid, wrong place, wrong time." Uh, you know, they'll be tried as adults in adult court.

Hopefully, you know, you'll get some sympathy. I get juvenile life probation. Can't have my license in the state of Louisiana till I'm 17.

Uh, can't be around a stolen uh can't be around a firearm, stolen or not. It's legal. I promise.

Uh, so, you know, I I I can't be around a firearm and and uh you know, I I I got to stay out of trouble and uh which I did none of those things. Uh well, I didn't get my license at se, you know, because I wasn't 17, but uh I didn't do any of the things that were asked of me. Um so I keep doing what I'm doing.

And at at uh 15, uh I I started going missing. It was no longer taking trips. It was I was going out to drink and then I just wouldn't show back up.

See, I would go to your party and I would hang out and I would drink everything that was in there on the last days of my drinking and I would drink everything I could and I would get intoxicated. I would get drunk, but I didn't feel any better. Didn't feel any better.

It's the most miserable place for me to be. But there were also times like my sister's wedding where my family looked at me and said, "Please just not tonight, not today. just but I took a drink a day or so prior and I'm being told that I broke the little Greek column that had the rings on that and I made a huge scene at my sister's wedding.

Um I had tickets to a concert one time that uh my favorite band of all time and I was going to go see them and I knew if I just got to UNO Lakefront Arena in New Orleans, if I just got there then I could party. But I took a drink a day or so prior and that craving kicked in. So that on the trip I just decided which really I didn't decide because I have no choice.

I still have no choice. Nowhere in the literature in my interpretation has it ever said I've gotten that choice back. Never have.

I've seen groups and if it's your home group that's cool but free again to choose. Still don't have that choice. Never have.

Never will. And I woke up at some flop house in New Orleans with the tickets still in my pocket, never been ripped, completely broke, going, "How am I going to get home?" You know, and so I'm drinking like that and uh my birthday is December 20th, like I said. I take off and I go missing and I show back up on Christmas day and I got about $1,000 in my pocket and I got a bunch of presents in my hand cuz the golden son, you know, the prodical son, the golden child, I'm home.

Um, my mom pokes her head out my window, I mean out the door, and she says, "Um, you know, you don't live here anymore." I smelled the smelled the stuffing, the ham, the turkey. I saw my sister, my brother-in-law, my mom, my dad, saw everybody but me. And they told me I didn't live here anymore.

And uh at 15 years old, that first night, I slept in a bush right behind my parents house in between the two houses. That was where I ended up. I went from Corona and a slice of lime to uh living the good life, Thunderbird, you know, Mad Dog, you know, Cisco, all the high shelf stuff.

>> >> Um, it's sad because when I was about 14, there was this bum who lived in, well, he was a wino. That's what he was. He was a wino and he lived under this overpass in my parents neighborhood and he was kind of our childhood patron.

And we felt so bad for him because he slept in the woods and we were like, that's just got to suck. Need to get him a tent or something. You know, this guy sits and hangs out with us on the railroad tracks and buys us liquor.

And we bought him a tent. Year later, I'm begging him to scoot over. I got nowhere to go.

Um, and you know, Bill talks about how he stepped, you know, away from the hospital, a broken man, and then on armist to stay, he drinks again and he goes on that last debauch. Some people disagree. I don't know.

It's how I've interpreted the book. But I think if Bill in that time from November until December 10th when Ebie came and talked to him, probably could have gotten the message at any time in there. I don't know because he apparently had done one of my uh favorite people and spiritual giants.

Um I love her with everything in me. She used to always say this. She said, 'I could either go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation as best I could or accept spiritual help.

And that's where I had gotten to. I'd realized that this was the bitter end. That was it.

I didn't know that there was spiritual help. And so, uh, you know, I show back up at my parents house, probably about late May, and I'm sitting here. I'm like, I'm dying.

Please help. Please help. I'm dying.

So they said, 'Well, you know, when you used to hang out with, you know, this kid and his family, you know, I don't know, they're just I'd gone to church with them. I got baptized. Says, "Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices.

I've been to altar calls and I've felt the Lord and the Holy Spirit and felt them all the way out the door drinking." I needed a message of depth and weight. I needed somebody to finally tell me what alcoholism was. So, I knew what it was that was wrong with me.

So, then I could appropriately fix what was wrong. So, I showed up these people's house and I said, "You know, I don't know what to do. I need help.

My parents kicked me out. They sent me here." So, they take me and we go out and they take me into their house and and and uh they want to go off on some little retreat and get me all spiritually charged like the good alcoholic that I am. I'm g lick my wounds, get some food in my stomach, get some money in my pocket, and get back to business.

And uh so I did that and uh ended up in North Carolina with them. And that girl that I went to that six sixth grade retreat with, she's uh she's sitting there and she's like, "Hey man, let's let's uh partake." And I looked at her, I said, "You don't want to be me. Look at me." She's like, "Come on." and um said no.

She kept bugging me and you know misery loves company. I said all right. So a couple hours later um coming down you know whatever the little mountain and and hanging out and uh I had left her whatever she had left early.

I don't really remember. And uh I walk up to the little area where we're sleeping at and there's uh an ambulance and some cars and uh all this stuff. And um she had uh she had had had had a bad reaction with uh the drugs we had taken.

She suffered from a lot of other illnesses where she needed serious medicine to help her live a normal sane life. And uh so she was dying and it was because of me. And her mom grabs me.

She takes me in this room and she looks at me and after of course berating me where is it at? What happened? Blah blah blah blah blah.

And I looked at her and I just said, "I'm so sorry." This woman who I'd known since I was about 10 or 11 years old, did not send me to my probation officer. She did not send me to jail. She didn't do anything.

She was an ex-prom drinker who had found a solution, who was armed with the facts about herself. and she carried that message of death and weight. She decided that that night, June 12th, 1996, Carl Schuman's life was more important than any selfish endeavor about sending me to jail.

That this was an opportunity to give back what was so freely given to her. You know, thank you, Jeanie Scott. Saved my life.

Um, I cried and cried and cried and and and and I lost it. And at that moment, I knew that there could be spiritual help. There could be something because finally somebody told me what my problem was.

I was an alcoholic. So I wake up the next morning. I always hated this.

My soriety date is June 12th, 1996. My parents wedding anniversary is June 13th. So I'm calling them on their wedding anniversary.

Um, mom, dad, don't know if you noticed I had a drinking problem. Like, they didn't know. Um, and my parents said, "Come on home." You know, and I rode a bus all the way home.

And, uh, this lady, Jeanie, um, had appointed me, this guy to be my sponsor. And I showed up at his house and stayed on his couch for 10 days while I cursed and threw up and cried and laughed and didn't know where I was. I didn't have DTS.

I I I If you've ever seen somebody with DTS, it's not a pretty sight. I did not have DTS. Was I emotionally and mentally and physically sick beyond comprehension?

Comprehension? Yes. I mean, I I couldn't take care of myself.

So, I sat there and dried out on his couch for 10 days. Now, of course, every time he's talking to me, it's like a Charlie Brown episode. You know, it's I can't hear what he's saying.

He says, "You might want to go somewhere because the book says that maybe hospitalization is favorable to the man who's still jittery and befog." So, that's what I did. I went to a hospital. Um, and I went there and I, you know, I dried out.

And the best thing that place ever told me was go to AA. And that's what I did. I went to AA.

Um, now that I'm sober, I'm not drinking. Really, not sober yet. Um, I got into activity.

I got into hanging out. I got into doing things and being around y'all. I did not get into action.

Um, I I I just I don't know. I I was going to meetings and and I didn't know what My first meeting I ever went to was the uh Sunday morning beginners meeting at uh Club 12, which is a a a clubhouse in Baton Rouge, which I love to death. Um and I I I they asked for who wanted the desire chip or the 24-hour chip, and I said, "I'm Carl.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm 15 years old. I'm scared.

Please help." And this guy said, "I spilled more beer than my," you know. So, of course, being the last house on the block for me, I gave him a really, you know, good obscene finger gesture, told everybody where they could take ANA, and I took off. There was an old man there, and he died in 1998, a year and a half after I got sober.

I owe this man my life. His name was Jimmy Seeds and he went by jumpsuit Jimmy and he came tracking out after me just hobbling away. He called him jumpsuit because he always wore Dickiy's jumpsuit.

Um and he came out after me and he said, "Boy, if you want to stay sober, you'll go to meetings." And uh he pointed out and he gave me this meeting schedule. It's this ugly mustard yellow meeting schedule. I still have it to this day.

And he pointed out a group on Wednesday night that had some young people. He wasn't too naive to realize that hanging out and sipping on the hooch was not what I was going to relate to. He knew that I needed somewhere where I could keep hearing that message.

Now, I went to that meeting on Wednesday night and it was great. A lot of fellowship, a lot of hanging out. But one one person in particular at that meeting walked up to me and said, "Hey, man.

Why don't you come to my home group tomorrow night?" And I went and that was when I went to the Goodwood group. And uh you know, I started started uh finding finding that message I'm three months sober and uh two of my best friends come into the program, you know, and uh they get into activity, too. I'm busy.

Come on. Um they come in the program and and and they just kind of hang out like me, you know. I got a baby and he's uh he's like my older brother, you know, he's had done a couple of crimes together and things like that.

And uh he goes back out, you know, and they told me, "You're going to bury people in Alcoholics Anonymous." And I said, "Well, sure." You know, you know, Mary Sue, Billy Joe, whoever, you know, just people I meet, but not somebody from, you know, my childhood. and he went back out and he drank and he died. He didn't drink and die 10 years later.

Not 10 months later, not 10 weeks, not 10 days. He took a drink and 10 hours later he wrapped himself around a telephone pole and he was dead. I'm a Paul bear at his funeral, January 19th, 1997.

I'm right over six months sober and I'm in this casket and I'm just wailing on him. I'm cursing him and I'm like, "Why? Why did you do this?

Why?" You know, my sponsor grabs me and says, "He didn't do this. He didn't wake up this morning and say, "You know what? I'm going to die from alcoholism." Said, "You know, this is this is alcoholism.

This is this is the illness we suffer from." And uh he says, "You know, you can stay where you're at or you can do something, you know, and he doesn't have to die in vain." And thank God for that. So, uh, I got busy and I got in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had a sponsor who took me from the cover of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we read and did everything it said all the way to the end of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when it asked a question, we answered it.

And when it said to pray something, we prayed it. And when it said write something, we wrote it. And uh, you know, uh, the the first step, I mean, not really that tough.

Once I had the message of depth and weight, once I knew what alcoholism was and I knew that my life was unmanageable. Now two was a little I was a little worried about, you know, but uh people said things like the group, you know, and y'all y'all were it. Y'all were a y'all were that higher power, you know, and I hung on to y'all for a while up until some of y'all drank again and some of y'all had affairs and some of y'all stole money and started going, "Okay, well, not everybody's perfect." And I had to do the one thing that if you look in all of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, there's one word group with the word God.

That word is search, seek, sought. That's what I started doing you know so I started seeking God started searching for that started reading a lot of good books and uh you know one book in particular talks about that uh before this one guy had come around a lot of people couldn't really hear God's voice because they weren't really capable you know like if you think about God like just I mean it's God like all knowing omnipotence Think about him talking to you directly. Like you just like you just you'd obliterate, you know, you you wouldn't know what to do, you know?

And so he used to send angels and uh for for the first couple years, y'all were those angels, you know. I couldn't hear God's voice when I prayed. I didn't know what I was praying to.

I didn't know what it was, but I listened to y'all. And uh I I dropped out of high school of course and I got back in school and uh you know I graduated high school on time. I did that inventory too.

That inventory helped me the definition of humility. And we were talking about this last night in my home group. And in the fifth step of the 12 and 12 it says it's a clear recognition of who and what we are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.

So with the fourth step and the fifth step, I finally get a clear recognition of who and what I am. And six and seven gives me the opportunity to become what I could be. I got to that fourth step and I got to that fourth column and I found out that you know what what really was my fault, my wrong, my mistake.

And uh you know I'm so glad for that. I'm so glad that I I had a sponsor who showed me that. Um, you know, and I and I heard that six and seven doesn't really happen until you you do eight and nine.

How can I ask God to truly remove these defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to him and to y'all if I don't go clean up the wreckage those defects cause, you know? So, uh, I started doing that. I got a job, a summer job while I got back in school and, uh, I worked all summer and my dad was like, "You're 17 now.

you can get your and I got off probation and all that and you know going to go get my license, go get my first car and all that and I walk up to my dad and I go here. So it's not a drop in the bucket for the money I've stolen and the money I've costed you through lawyers and all that but it's a sign. It's just something and I need to and uh you know my dad years later told me that he still had that money.

never deposited, never did anything, which kind of upset me because I'm like, what would you have done with the money if I hadn't stolen it? You'd have spent it. So now you just got a couple hundred bucks sitting here in some jar and you're looking, come on, use it.

Give it back to me. I you know, um but uh you know, it was real kind of. It was real nice.

And I I made amends and um I continued to take inventory and I worked with other alcoholics and got involved and I graduated high school and I went to college and I'm skipping through a lot of the mundane stuff because a lot of the mundane stuff is what I want you to hear. I want you to hear tonight that I got sober and I had a couple of hiccups, but life has been good. But that's not the truth.

It's not the truth. Life has been damn hard lately. Damn hard.

self-imposed crisis. I graduated, went to college for a couple years and said, "You know what? I work and I go to school and I'm paying to go to school and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

And I don't know if I want to grow up. I'm definitely a Toys R Us kid." Like, I did not I just I had no idea what I wanted to be. So, I get out in the world.

I'm driving a forklift. and I'm working over here, you know, whatever. And I get into uh into a sales job and I fall in love with it, you know.

Um I do really well at it. And I got into a relationship at that time and everything was good, you know. Everything was good.

I was making money and people uh were happy with me and I was involved. I was sponsoring guys left and right and and I was involved in service. Uh you know, that's another thing, man.

Service work. That's one of those, you know, like real like service, like being involved in your home group, having a service commitment, you know, general service. It's a dirty word in AA.

It is, you know, you say service work, everybody's like, he's got it. GS who? And you know, I got involved in all this stuff.

And um the truth is is I saw everything that I never was and I saw everything that I wanted to be and I really thought I was in love with this person. Today I know I wasn't. Um I was in love with the idea.

I could get married. I could have some kids. I could be a dad.

All that stuff. And um I cannot tell you what the pursuit of money has done to my life. Um you know this uh this relationship ended really bad and it ended thank God the way it did.

Um for years everybody was like you know she's drinking. Yeah. Well but she's going to come around.

you know, her and so and so. I mean, I don't want to do it. I'm just I'm just saying, you know, she's not staying faithful.

Now, we got a wedding dress hanging. We got a ring. We got, you know, and uh I didn't want to believe that because that meant I was a failure, you know, that meant I screwed up.

So, uh, she she took off to California for some other guy or whatever. And I get left all alone or whatever. And oh, poor me.

Poor me. You know, and that's what I've been doing for the last three years. Poor me.

Poor me. How bad it was. Oh, w Carl.

Look at how bad I had it. Because I didn't know pain until recently. did not know it.

Um, you know, she took off, whatever. And, uh, this is to just to give you a little hint and understanding. At 9 and a half years sober, you can end up in a mental institution.

Can't happen. Cuz, see, what happened for me was at nine and a half years sober, here I was at that first four step. I'm ugly.

I'm unlovable. I'm not smart. I'm not capable.

I'll never be loved. I'll never be whatever. Boo.

And uh you know, I I had to realize that God had a purpose and and and and direction for me and I had to to strive for that strength and direction. Granted, I I didn't want to see that, whatever. Um, but uh I came out of that hospital really confused because what I thought I came out of this hospital and I thought that me and God were number one.

We were close. Uh, up until two months ago, I haven't had a real job in three years. And this is where I get into another outside issue.

And I I don't know and I don't know where I'm about to go from here on. So bear with me. I uh I started gambling, played cards for a living basically for three years.

Um and you know it's funny this conference last year I was supposed to be in New Orleans at a world championship tournament. I'd won a seat and I was, you know, big dreams and glory and all that. And um here was the truth.

I looked at God and I said, "God can keep me sober, but that's about all he's good for. It's about all he's good for." Um I uh I stole time. I stole time.

I took people for granted. I took friendships for granted. I took relationships for granted.

I had people that I love so dearly and that I love so much and they lost friendships and relationships because of me. whatever you know whose fault it was or who was at whatever. But you know what?

I didn't help. I can tell you that much. Um I've been slapping God in the face for about three years, man.

Really have. I can tell you though what has kept me going in a lot of ways is uh I got involved with conferences and committees and I got involved in service and I was sponsoring people and that's probably what kept me alive. was involved in IckyPaw International Conference, you know.

Um, that was by far probably one of the things that kept me alive. Um, I had the best job. Everybody else had all the, you know, all the thinking and all the, you know, who's going to do this and who's going to do that.

And they sat around and told me how bad of a job I was doing because I wasn't doing it good enough. I was the outreach chair. I got to travel everywhere across this country and I got to even go to Toronto, Canada, and say the Lord's Prayer with about 60,000 of y'all.

It's actually like 45, so I'm embellishing. I'm trying to be honest. Um uh I meet people today that I met years ago because of that conference and I see them again and they tell me thanks for what because you drove up here and you told us about it and I had a great experience and all that.

you know. Um I I uh my dad um that gun I stole when I was about four. Yeah.

Right about 14. I'd gotten past all the court stuff and I looked at my dad and and I said, "Well, not in jail." My dad grabbed me by the throat and put me up against the wall and he said, "You know, nobody's ever been a criminal in this family. Nobody's ever truly slandered this name and you've destroyed it." And I pulled that gun out.

It's his gun. And I stuck it to his head and I said, "If you ever touch me again, I will kill you." And I meant it with everything. And I hated that man.

He wasn't there when I had my first kiss. He wasn't there when I hit a home run. He wasn't there because you know what?

He lost his job. And because of that, he had to work, you know, 70, 80 hours a week to put clothes on my back and food in my gut. He wasn't my daddy, you know, and uh today he has been my my daddy.

the last couple of weeks, he's he's uh he's talked to me about heartbreak and he's talked to me about screwing up and he's held me and I've gotten to be that little kid again. And I'm so tired right now, you know. and he of all people, a non-alcoholic, holds my hand and he tells me he's proud of me because I'm putting the tie on today and I'm going to work, you know, and I got a job and I admitted that, you know, gambling was killing me and and and you know, and it was just untreated alcoholism really.

That is the truth comes down to it. I have I live in a city and I live in New Orleans now. You know, a lot of days I feel completely alone.

Um, and I just wake up every morning. I haven't missed a day in 10 weeks and three days. I haven't missed a day getting on my knees every morning, every night, and halfway through the day and whenever I get bored and just asking God to hold me and help me.

The third step prayer says, "God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away these difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with thy power, thy strength, and thy way of life.

May do thy will always." The wording of course was quite optional so long as we voiced it without reservation. In the last couple of weeks, the biggest third step prayer I've been saying is, "God, please hold me and just help me. I am so in love with y'all." Um, I love this conference.

I want to say happy birthday, Laney. three years ago. I think this is kind of where, you know, maybe a little spiritual experience happened for you.

So, thank you. Because of that, I have a friend today. Um, I want to say thank you to Billy.

Um, because you and Maryanne have opened up your house just just in the casual conversation of if you're ever in Jackson, come by. And it's not the hey, see you when I see you. If you ever want to stop by, it has been the if you ever need to come by, come by.

Um, you know, thank you, Maryanne, for letting me be a part of some of your pain a couple months back and letting me share that with you. Um, I I'll tell you this much about Alcoholics Anonymous. I never came here to stop drinking.

Never came here to stop drinking. Quit I'll quitting drinking is not my problem. Give me any drunk.

I don't care how bad they are. Give me any alcoholic cuz I've done it. Give me any alcoholic.

I don't care how jaundice and how protruding their liver is and how yellow skinned they are and how bad they are. I can dry them up. I guarantee you.

Those old men that I sobered up around showed me how to do that. But I I can't fill that hole in that soul. You know, I can't I can't do what has to happen between them and God.

And you know, somebody we know died recently and I sat for a day and a half in a hotel room with this guy with a fifth of Jin and some Gatorade nipping him off. And I feel like I let that guy down for personal reasons. He was found in a hotel room dead from alcohol poisoning.

They'll call it suicide. But it's alcoholism. I had a sponsy who I loved to death and he was my go-to spons.

He was the guy, you know. All my other sponses, they were kind of iffy. I didn't know if they were going to make it.

This guy was uh no matter what, he was always there. And uh he made some decisions based on self that placed him in a position to be hurt. And he started drinking again.

He's in jail now. Um probably about 15 years. He's got a four-year-old son who I saw the other day.

Um I had another sponsor two days before he went to jail. came through a halfway house in Baton Rouge, asked me to sponsor him, took him through the work in the book, and um sobered up, moved out to Leavonia, which is about 40 minutes outside of Baton Rouge, started going to meetings out there. Didn't really keep in touch as we'd like to.

Maybe he' gotten another sponsor and I understood, you know, but uh he got sober and he got a job and he got a fiance and um they were on their way to to to they they uh they they were on their way to her her they were coming back from her parents house and they were telling her mom and dad that they had just gotten engaged and they were leaving back and somebody pulled out in front of them and killed them both, you know, and so they're dead, both of And I'm sitting here and I'm going, here's three things. You know, I'm selfishly upset because he's dead and his fiance died. But, you know, it wasn't about that date at the end.

It was that dash. You know, please don't ever say I died sober. Tell some people I live sober because that's what he did.

It's a sad tragic love story about what happened to him. But here's the truth. The man put his life together and he died with grace and dignity.

He died like a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. James James James is in jail and Clemens cleans, you know, he's gone. Um I have I have days where I wake up and I just am so tired and I don't know what to do and uh I feel alone and I call and get no answer and I I sit there and I work and work and work and do everything I can and I get one answer.

Me on my knees talking to God. Um, you know, I don't know if you heard anything I said or if it meant anything, but uh at almost 12 years sober, that's it. That's all I got to say really is that you can beat almost 12 years sober.

That's what I got to tell you tonight. No great happy golucky, hey, I'm married and life is good. Not, hey, I got a great job or a great car.

But if you be a real alcoholic like me, one day without one drink, one day at a time, you can be almost 12 years sober. Now, for some people, because I was that guy, for some people, it may be, "Well, I don't want to just be sober." You're right. Okay?

Maybe I'm not the big quality sobriety guy today, but neither will you one day. And so, when you're picking your ass off the floor, remember me, okay? Cuz you know what?

I went to Japan and stood on top of Mount Fuji. You didn't know that. I've been to those temples that my sister stood on.

I did that. I built schools in a third world country when I was two and a half years sober. And you know what?

All that's great man, I could tell you all about that. I could wear the tie and man, I'm a DCM and a G God, man. It's a formula to get back to God.

It's this whole thing. Uh I'd love to talk more, but God's telling me to shut up. Um, ask people who know me.

That's what I do is I talk and I'm trying to learn how to listen. So, I'm grateful to be here and grateful to be sober. I love each and every one of y'all.

I don't know half of y'all, but I know a lot of y'all. And some of y'all I don't talk to, even though I try. I love y'all.

I would not be here if it wasn't for each and every one of y'all. I love y'all. Love y'all.

Rock and roll. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.