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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Maybe that's not far from the truth.

My name is Jim Shields and I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful to be here tonight. I actually live in Laguna Hills, but Irvine's close. I I work in Irvine.

It seems like I live there sometimes. Well, when I actually when I actually do work, but um it's good to be here tonight. I'm uh want to uh thank Valerie for asking me to come and speak and share my uh experience, strength, and hope.

And maybe I will. And I'm old because I can't and I can't remember everything. I can't see either.

So, I don't know why I like Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

That's what happens, you know, when you, you know, I I never expected to live past 30. It was just not in my plan, you know. I I had to take a better care of myself if I was going to live this long.

It was like You know, I didn't know. I DIDN'T KNOW. Nobody told me.

You know, I figured, you know, I'm dead long before I'm 30. So, you know, why why do I uh have to be here? And uh you know it's it's u it's amazing to see how many people came out to hear Nelli speak because uh because everybody likes her you know I'm I'm not that popular but uh it's it's good to be here tonight.

She did she did a great job and uh you know she she is a shining example of the program. You know people who come in and will actually do some work and their life changes and that's the amazing thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, you know, there are four things that qualify me to stay up to be up here to speak tonight.

And, uh, the first one is I have a sobriety date. And my sobriety date is January 31st of 1986. And that was, uh, not that I'm counting, but that was 8,120 days ago.

And you know what? I worked for every last one of them. You know, >> I uh >> I I remember a few years ago I was taking a cake at a at a meeting I go to called the soup kitchen, and they actually put a candle on for each year, and each person takes a cake separately, and and I had like 18 years, and they were trying to pawn me off with 16 candles, and I said, "No, no, no, no.

Those those two years almost killed me. I I I earned those. I earned those." Uh the other thing I have is a home group.

And and uh I I have two home groups, actually. I have the uh uh do it sober meeting which meets 7:30 every day uh over on Molton Avenue. 7:30 every morning and I'm there almost every morning.

Uh unless I unless I'm not. Um but you but usually I'm there and uh you know I I go there not necessarily because I need a meeting. I go there because I want to be available and um that's what my sponsor tells me.

That's why he goes to so many meetings and he's somebody that needs to go to a lot of meetings. But >> >> um and and then and I have another another home group, a new home group and it's a book study on Thursday nights in Aliso VJO and uh you know we sit down and and we actually study the book word for word line for line and uh because that's that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It's all about the book and it's all about doing the steps and it's all about doing them.

It's not about thinking about the steps, analyzing the steps, talking about the steps, thinking about the steps. It's actually doing them. Actually sitting down with a pen and paper and doing an inventory and actually sitting down, you know, with with a sponsor and doing a fifth step and and uh you know, all that stuff.

And the the other thing I have is I have a sponsor. My sponsor is Jim Stevens. He's uh going scenile and he needs to go to a lot of meetings.

tonight. You know, I wasn't important enough for him to be here tonight, but but but he sent he sent Courtney in in his place. You know, he has he has his own representative here tonight.

So, uh you know, I I guess that's okay. And you know, the other thing my sponsor has a sponsor and my sponsor sponsor is Ralph with if you're around here, you know Ralph. Ralph is >> Ralph is a constant in the world around here.

And uh and and Ralph has a sponsor and his sponsor is Alice. And so, so, so I know where the chain goes up. And then, and then, you know, I'm lucky enough to have, you know, a few people that I sponsor.

And, um, you know, believe me, if you're not sponsoring some people, you're you're really missing out. I I learn more from the people I sponsor than I could ever learn from the from my sponsor. Not because he's scenile, because I just learned a lot from him.

But, uh, okay. Nobody's allowed to rat me out on that. You know what?

What he said here stays here. Blah blah blah. you know, so uh you know, don't don't rat don't rat me out.

>> No, I tell him he's scenile all the time. You know, he was not long ago he Mary and I were sitting in a meeting and somebody shared about something and we saw Jim raise his hand and Mary looks at me and he says, "Oh, he's going to tell the story about blah blah blah." And it's like, well, of course he is. And he starts talking and then, you know, he tell because that story, what is that number 42?

>> >> as that was he tells the same you know and people try to stop him and I don't don't stop him you know cuz I I always like to listen to see if he actually changes the stories he usually doesn't unless he does but you know and and the other thing I have is is that I've worked all 12 steps you know I worked all 12 steps you know um recovery is all about the steps we take it's not about the meetings we make you know you don't get sober by going to meetings You know, and if you believe that lie, then you're on a wolf ticket because it's not true. You know, you will you will you can go to meetings and they'll keep you sober for a while and they will keep you abstinent. They will not help you to recover from alcoholism.

And you know, because I worked those 12 steps, you know, I I I've had a spiritual experience and the obsession to using use and drink has has been relieved for me. And uh you know, that's that's a miracle. You know, I never thought I could stop.

I never thought I could stop. It never occurred to me too much to really stop. I didn't realize that alcohol and drugs were my problem, you know, because it was everything else.

You know, alcohol and drugs were my friend. And, you know, I you can't talk bad about my friend cuz it saved me. You know, I believe alcohol and drugs were good for me.

They they really were. When I was a teenager, had I not had alcohol and drugs, I would have gone crazy. I'd have killed somebody or I'd have killed myself.

And um you know, so so they absolutely saved my life and they worked really well for me right up until the time that they didn't. And um you know, because because I worked all 12 steps and um because I've had that spiritual experience and the obsession has been relieved, you know, I I am recovered. I am a recovered alcoholic.

I'm not recovering. I'm not trying to recover. I am a recovered alcoholic.

And I say that because that's not what you hear in meetings, but that is what you will see in the book if you actually read the book. There's a I'm going share something. Now, this is another thing you can't tell anybody else.

It's a big secret. There's this yellow and blue book sitting back there on the shelf. It is the best kept secret in Alcoholics Anonymous.

There's so very few people that know anything about it. But, uh, you know, it it it actually it it's actually the reason uh we're here. And you know in the in the forward to the first edition it says we have Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. And that's what it's all about. You know, it's not all about, you know, the social things are great and and those are those are things that help make sobriety fun, but it's all about how did I recover from this?

How did I get better? You know, cuz I uh I never I you I never planned on getting sober. I never planned on living past 30.

So, you know, I'm surprised to be here. Um you know, I I want to welcome um all of uh the newcomers. you know, um, if you got here, you know, like the rest of us got here and you did a bunch of stupid, crazy, wild things, then you, you know, you're one of two things.

You're either really stupid or you're an alcoholic. Now, if you're really stupid, I got nothing for you. You know, you are you're on your you are on your own.

I got nothing. You got nothing for you. You know, you can't you know, Fred and I have talked about it a lot.

You cannot cure stupid. We have tried. We've tried.

We just You can't You cannot cure stupid. But if if you're an alcoholic, we we got some good news for you. You know, we we actually have uh we actually have a way that you can get out of being who you are now.

Cuz um you know, when when I mean, I didn't I didn't show up for I I didn't I didn't like, you know, wake up one morning and say, you know, my life is going pretty good. I got money in the bank. I got money in my pocket.

You know, people love me. And uh I've got no grief going on. You know, I think I'm going to go down and check out ANA and see and see what's happening with those guys.

And uh you know, let me let me teach them how they can live a better life. You know, I that I mean, I got here because I was just done. I was I was at the end of my rope.

Um and and I I don't I don't talk um I don't talk a lot about, you know, my drinking and using. Uh, I don't know how anybody else got here tonight. I got here because I drank and I used a lot and I did it as much as I could as often as I could and and then I did it some more and uh that's that was my story and and you know fortun fortunately somehow I got somehow I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I'll tell you about that. And um you know it's it's it's an amazing thing. You know, I I I really believe there's this there's this old Buddhist saying that says, you know, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

And I really and that's come true for me so many times in Alcoholics Anonymous. I I remember about being about 10 or 12 years sober and um I was flying back from the East Coast and I had to fly through Dallas, which is hell. Dallas is an awful place to fly through, you know.

I'm sorry >> for my friend from my friend my friend's from Dallas, but uh it's it's an awful place and and it was winter time and uh you you know I had booked it I had booked it just right. You know you you fly in, you land, you get off the plane and you got just enough time like to go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee, stretch your legs, and then you get like go to the gate next to where you got off and and you get onto the next airplane. But apparently there was a rumor that somebody saw a snowflake which shuts down Dallas apparently.

Apparently they're not able to do anything if there's a snowflake in Dallas and and so they shut down the air the airport and you know likeh it's like 3 or 4 hours later and there's like no end in sight and I'm there at the airport and you know I'm pissed. I'm pissed. It's it's awful.

I'm I'm I'm sitting there. There's uh you know the the airline sucks. the the the weather people suck, the the airport sucks, the travel agents, everybody suck.

And and all the people in the airport besides me suck. And you know, it's it's it's awful. It's awful.

And I'm not accepting any of these things that that are going on cuz cuz you know, I'm I'm a big shot. I'm an important guy. I got people to see, places to go, things to do, which which I'm sure was nothing, but you know, in my mind, because, you know, because it's in my head, uh, you know, I had things to do and and I was important and and I'm sitting there and I'm kind of sitting on the aisle of the gate and uh you you know, I got my I got me elbows on my knees and I'm staring down at the ground and I got and I'm burning a hole in I'm burning a hole in the floor.

I'm pissed. I am just pissed. What is wrong with these people?

Why aren't we getting on the airplane and leaving? You know, maybe it's not such a good idea that professionals think that you shouldn't be flying that not to be flying, but you know, that's not what I'm thinking. And I'm sitting there and and the longer I'm sitting there, the more angry I am.

And finally, you know, I uh I'm staring at the floor and all of a sudden there are a pair of shoes between my shoes and I look up like this and there's a belt buckle right here >> and I'm like I'm like getting ready to swing. I because I'm one of I don't like anybody in my personal space and it's crowded and I don't like crowds and and all of a sudden this person is standing there and I am not in acceptance of anything in the world at that moment and I look up and it was uh Dr. Paul and uh he looked down at me and he said he had this funny like nasal twang for those of you who knew him and he said, "Young man, it looks like you could use some ice cream." And I'm like, "Okay, God, I guess I'm in acceptance now." You know, the man who wrote the chapter chapter in the book that says, "Aceptance is the key to all of my problems today is here to give me a lesson.

So, I guess I'm a student that's ready to learn." And uh you know we we went and sat down and had some ice cream and talked about acceptance for a while and all all a sudden it was okay. The weather was okay and the delay was okay. And uh you know time and time again when when I needed God to bring somebody into my life to teach me a lesson, you know that person has always been there.

And um you know one of the one of the great things about being around for a long time is I got to know some of those guys that had been around for a long time. And if you're new, you know, that's such a loss for you that you didn't get to know Dr. Paul and and you didn't you you didn't get to know Eddie C and you didn't get to know some of those other old-timers that were around like Bill Marcus and and uh Ted Harbach and and some of those guys that that were here for a while that that paved the way for us to be here today, you know, and and uh that's the great thing about being able to be sober for a long time and uh really owe a debt of gratitude to uh those people.

But but if you are new, you know, it's good that you're here. And you know, I'll tell you that there will be no shortage of people squirly up your ass to tell you what to do. And uh that cuz that's that's what they do here.

You know, they'll they'll be telling you sponsor meetings, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, until you're sick of it. And and I gotta tell you, if you're new tonight, uh there's there's one thing that you should probably do, and that's pick up the book, and there's some really good information in there. And but figure out whether or not you're an alcoholic.

Maybe you just had bad luck. Maybe uh ma maybe, you know, you got in the car and you just had that one cocktail at the party, too many, and and you know, and and you know, you only drink on New Year's Eve or or whatever it is. But, you know, for the rest of us, we're probably here because we need to be.

And, uh, you know, if you're new, just check it out for a while. And, uh, we have some really good information that that will help you, uh, inner uh, help you make up your mind before you actually, uh, like, you know, get a sponsor and work some steps and things like that. But um anyway, I I I like I said, I don't like to talk too much about drinking and using because frankly, I've heard every war story drunk a log that I if I never hear another one the rest of my life, it will be too soon.

You know, I don't care how much you drank. I don't care, you know, if you were the king of cocaine, I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care. I just don't care. You know, I I have encyclopedic knowledge in my head about how to get loaded, and I don't need any more information.

I don't I do not need any more information about how to get drunk and how to get stoned and and how to sell, manufacture, or anything else cuz, you know, I I uh already been there, done that. So, you know, uh and and you know, and if you're sitting in a lot of meetings and people are talking a lot about their drunk a lots, you know, stop them. You know, if you've been sober for a little bit, you know, you have the responsibility to do that.

You know, going to meetings isn't about sharing your drunk log. The only time you need to share your drunk log is when you're on a 12step call. You know, you should be going to meetings to share your experience, strength, and hope.

And the newcomers in the meeting need to know how to stay sober. They don't know. They don't need to know how to drink.

They need to know how to stay sober. They need to know what h how to work a step. They need to know they need to know that you know how to do it.

They need to know that somebody else has been down that road before them. And uh you know, if if that's not what's happening in the meetings you're going to, you know, you're responsible you're responsible to help change that. And uh you know, I'm I'm I'm one of those radicals that think that uh you know, treatment centers and some other things have really diluted the message of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And um you know, you will hear you will hear a lot of lies in Alcoholics Anonymous in the meetings. And uh you know probably I guarantee every one of you within the last seven days has heard uh something like don't drink, go to meetings and it'll all be okay. And I'm telling you that's a lie.

And if you read the book, it'll tell you it's a lie. That's not what they talk about in the book. That's crap out of some treatment center from some psychologist who's making a train load of money out of some suffering alcoholic.

And uh you know if I if if I could not drink I would not be here on a Friday night. >> You know I I I mean when I got sober in 1986, you know Nancy Reagan was the first lady and and you know and her big thing was just say no. And it's like I never said no one time in my life.

That's like a such a foreign concept to me. I just don't understand. It was like JUST SAY NO?

WHAT? WHAT? I I don't get it.

And uh you know and uh you know you don't you don't get sober by going to meetings. I mean you just don't you some good information there but you don't get sober by going to meetings. You get sober by working the steps.

You get sober by getting a sponsor. And you get sober by doing the steps. Not by thinking about them, talking about them, worrying about them, procrastinating about them.

You get sober by actually doing the steps. And um I'm sorry I already said that like what four times and I'm calling due for about six more times in the next 15 minutes. So uh you know the because you know the but you know really I mean you know what what you'll hear is that you know the steps up here on the wall they're they're just a suggestion that and that's what you'll hear and you know that's true.

They're just a suggestion but they are the only suggestion we have. They are the only thing that we have to suggest to you is to work the steps. That's how you will recover from alcoholism.

And um that's it. But but I'm only going to talk about two times that I drank. And I'm gonna talk about the first time I drank when I crossed that invisible line that they talk about.

And I'm going to talk about the last time that I drank. The first time I drank, I was I was about 13 years old. And and um uh I'm the youngest of six kids.

My my brother, who's four years older than me, was home. And I was home. Everybody else was gone.

and my parents were going to go on this short little business vacation trip and leave us home alone. And um nobody ever accused them of having good judgment. They had six of us, you know, but but you know, and and I remember, you know, they they left and I think the party started about 5 seconds after they got to the stoplight at the end of the street, you know, and uh we had this little three-bedroom house and there must have been 300 people in there.

And uh I mean it was it was packed and and my brother was a was a senior in high school and he wrestled. He weighed 132 lbs and uh but he could bench press 350 and he was I mean he was he was a stud. He still is a stud today.

And um he met everybody on the way in and said if you break anything I will break you. And uh amazingly there were that many drunk high school kids and nobody got nobody got no nothing got broken. And uh my mother actually didn't find out about this until shortly before she died actually.

We were talking about it like my brother and I were talking about it and it was it was like oh yeah remember that week that they left and oh my god and it's like well yeah that's when I kind of crossed that invisible line and my mom's like what what are you guys talking about and uh you know I I mean they were gone for a week and I was drunk for a week. I was I was drunk the entire week. I was not able to make it to school.

Uh you know and that's just the that's just the way it was. But but I remember that that Friday night um you know everybody that came to the party they had to bring two of whatever they were bringing and uh you know one one was for the host of the party and one was for them and and and so I snagged a bottle of Boon Farm Strawberry Hill and uh and a and a couple and a couple of Schlitz malt liquors and uh >> yeah OO was later. Yeah, that's right.

and uh and my brother's best friend Matt Stone, who I know I'm going to meet in the meeting one of these days, but he was he was selling joints for 50 cents a piece. And so I got out my I got out my crisp $1 bill and I was ready to go. And uh and uh we um my best friend Wayne Patterson and I who I always it's I always look around to see was Wayne here tonight, you know, but uh cuz cuz he was definitely one of us.

But um he and I were in the basement and we had us a couple joints and we had a bottle of wine, we had a couple of malt liquors and we proceeded to get loaded and and I remember getting loaded and I remember being totally drunk, totally stoned, totally out of control and totally terrified. Just terrified. It was the first time I'd really been outside of my head.

And uh I was terrified and I remember having the conscious thought I can't wait to do this again. And and and you know what for the next 14 years I did as as often as I could. And um you know you you know I uh I it you know I was such a you you know I was 13 years old when when I got loaded for the first time and I got to tell you you know uh I really needed to drink when I was 10.

I really needed one when I was nine. I probably needed one coming out of the womb. I needed you know a little mixed in with the formula or something you know cuz that's just the way I am.

You know, I am an alcoholic and alcohol goes to the core of my very innermost being. And uh you know, I can tell you that for the next 14 years, my pattern was real simple. If I was here and the drink was here, anything that came between me and the drink, I was going to make disappear, you know?

And that's what I did, you know. And I made educational opportunities disappear. I made career opportunities disappear.

I made a wife disappear. I made a child disappear. I made three sister three brothers who who loved me disappear.

I made two brother two sisters that love me. I made them disappear. I made two parents who really did love me.

I was I was their baby. I was the surprise child. You know, they had five and seven years and then four years later they had me.

I was I was that surprised child. And my parents really did love me. And uh I made them disappear.

I made them go away. I made it everything disappear. I made jobs disappear.

I, you know, you name it. Anything in my life that could have been positive or good, I made disappear if it came between me and the drink. And that's just how it was.

And that's how my life was for the next 14 years. And um you know, the biggest thing that uh the biggest thing that I made disappear is I made a big piece of my soul disappear. you know that all that drinking and using did not come without a price and it took me a long time being sober to find out exactly what that price was and um you know and and it was a heavy one but um you know I don't like to share a lot of war stories about what happened so I won't and um you know I'll fast forward to uh Thanksgiving in 1985 and uh Thanksgiving in 1985 I was living in Laguna Beach I was sharing a three-bedroom house with a roommate And um she was the only woman I ever knew.

She was the only person I ever knew that smoked more pot than I did, you know? I mean, I she was the freaking nature. But uh you know, we we were home and it it was Thanksgiving and um you know, we were going to cook dinner for all of our all of our friends that had no place to go.

And really what that meant is we had no place to go, so we were going to cook dinner. That's how that translated. And it was about 10:00 in the morning and and I was smoking a joint and I was drinking some bourbon and I was cooking and the phone rang and uh I rang and and it was my buddy Rod and Rod said, "What are you doing?" And I said, "The party's already started." And he said, "I'll be there in an hour." And um I'm I'm pretty sure that Rod got there that day and I'm pretty sure that we probably had dinner that day, but I just don't have any real recollection of it.

And uh you you know and then you can fast forward a month till Christmas and I'm sure that there was a Christmas and a Christmas Eve of 1985. I have no recollection of it at all. I'm sure that there was a a New Year's Eve and a New Year's Day.

Have no memory. Don't know. Can't tell you.

Don't don't know anything about it. And uh the only thing I remember from January is the u um space shuttle blew up that year. And and I remember that and I remember watching on TV and crying uh you know and uh the next thing I can that I really remember is January the 30th, 1986.

And and uh I was uh working that day and uh I was I was I was working from 3:00 in the afternoon till 9:00 at night. I was selling new Porsches in Orange County and all the things that went with that. And um I was coming home that night at 9:00 and my plan was I was going to go straight to bed because I had to get up in the morning and I had to go down and talk to the district attorney about you know why I never paid child support for uh you know that child that I had abandoned.

And uh you know so I was I was going to get home. I was going to go to bed. I was going to get a good night's sleep.

And I was going to go and I was going to take care of business. I was going to man up and I was going to go do the right thing for a change. And um you know what happened is I is I got home and and my buddy Rod was there and my roommate was there and they were drinking and they were using and I said no I don't want to.

And I ended up drinking against my will and um that sounds strange but it's actually true. For some reason I didn't want to drink that night and I drank anyway which was not a usual occurrence for me. And um when um at the end of my using and drinking, I was suffering from a a physical phenomenon that some alcoholics have.

I abused my body so much that I suffered from a a condition called reverse tolerance. And one night I might drink a fifth of wild turkey and be pretty sober. And the next night I might drink two beers and be completely shitfaced.

And there was no pattern to that. And it was it was it was Mr. toad's wild ride, let me tell you.

And uh and uh you know, I I got home that night and we started using it. We started drinking and I drank a I drank a lot of bourbon that night and I drank I drank and I drank some more and there were some other things that we did. And um I was sitting there at 4:00 in the morning in the absolute worst place that an alcoholic can ever be inside my own head completely sober and cognizant of my life and what was going on and I couldn't get loaded.

I could not get drunk and it was an awful awful awful place to be. And it was 4:00 in the morning and there's a silence that it's at 4 o'clock in the morning that's you know it's it's deafening. It's loud.

so quiet. And I'm sitting there with my best friend, Rod. And he was my best friend because he was my only friend.

He was the only person that I didn't make disappear from my life because he never got between me and a drink. And um and we each had pretty good drug connection. So that was a lot of the attraction there, too.

But um we're we're sitting there and for the first time in my life at 27 years old, I got honest with another human being and I I was sitting on the couch and I looked at my best and only friend Rod and I said, "Rod, I'm really miserable. I'm really miserable. My life isn't working.

I'm really unhappy and and I don't know what to do." Now, this isn't the kind of, you know, conversation you usually have with somebody where you're getting loaded. And uh you know, usually the the closest to that is I love you, man. You know, but that's that's that's as close to emotion as you get.

You know, we we have those kind of conversations sober, but not you know, in here, but not not when we're out there. And um you know, Rod had to think about it for a minute. And and it was really quiet.

And I could hear the gears turning in Rod's head and he was trying to decide what he was going to say. And and he thought about it for a minute and he's looking straight ahead. and he finally goes, "Well, Jim, I don't have any answers for you, but I know some people that do." And uh I had arrived at step one.

That was my 12step call. And uh I didn't know it at the time. I didn't find out till later.

Rod was 30 years old, and he'd been trying to get sober for 11 years. And the most he'd had was 5 months. And he went out after 5 months on Thanksgiving Day at my house.

And uh you know um I pressed Rod for some information and he had he was having no part of it. He was just dodging every question I had for him and he left shortly after that. And I I kind of figured out later that um much later actually that uh you know I was technically what was called a buzzkill.

Apparently that apparently that head full aa and that body full of dope was just not good for not good combination for him. But um I went I I I you know and then and then you go through the the the calculation. Let's see.

It's 4:30. If I go to sleep now and you know and I can sleep for an hour and 30 minutes and then you know, you know, and I I got up and I and I went to court and I did some chuck and jive to this poor woman and put her together and she didn't she never knew what was happening. And one more time I slid by.

One more time I slid away. And uh you know then then I went and did you know something that I can't swine to this day. I instead of going back home to my house, my three-bedroom house in Laguna Beach overlooking the ocean, I went to um I checked into a motel on South Harbor Boulevard in Anaheim.

And that was that was before it was the Anaheim resort area. Let me tell you, all the all the motel over there were hooker dope motels. I mean, I I guess I wanted to be by my I guess I wanted to be around my people.

And uh you know I went I went and checked into that I went and checked into that uh motel and I didn't drink and I didn't use and and I got up u I got up the next day and um you know the next day was kind of a fog and I and I drove around and I don't really remember anything that happened and I decided I need to seek out some answers. So, I I drove up to Rod's apartment in Rosemead and uh I showed up to his house at about 7:30 and I knocked on his door, the door of his apartment unannounced, and he invited me in and we sat down on the couch and and uh I told him, I said, "Rod, you know, my life's not working. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do." And he he stood up and he said, "Jim, I don't have any answers for you, but I know some people that do.

Come with me." And we walked out of his apartment. We walked down the steps. We walked around the pool and we walked into the clubhouse of the apartment complex and there were a bunch of people in there and there was an eight o'clock meeting getting ready to start >> and um I haven't had a drug or drink since >> and um like I said that's been 8,120 days ago.

>> And that's uh that's not because of my power. By my own human power I could not get sober. I could not stop drinking.

I could not stop using drugs. you know, it was all about I got into the steps and I got into uh I got into doing the deal and that's what I did. and I got busy and I I got sober and I got married and I started a business and uh I made a train load of money and bought the big house on the hill and um did a lot a lot of things and um and I was I can remember a morning, it was a Saturday morning, I was 14 years sober and uh I was standing out in front of my house and I was smoking a Cuban cigar and I was standing in in the driveway of this house and it was a big house on a big acre lot with a big swimming pool and a big horse corral and there are a few people in this room that were at that house and uh it rocked.

It really did. It was a bitching house. And uh you know problem with all these people in here that know me, I got to I got to keep on my toes because I got to tell the truth because they know me.

And uh you know but but I'm standing there in my driveway and I and and I got this driveway where it comes up and it kind of goes to a wine. you can park like five cars and not block anybody in. standing there smoking this Cuban cigar and I'm looking at at my BMW convertible and I got my new Corvette convertible and I got my Cadillac and I got my four-wheel drive and I got my Harley sitting in the garage and and uh I'm looking down the street and and the street in Fullerton is up in Sunny Hills in Fullerton and they they called this street Pill Hill because that's where all the doctors live and it was a beautiful street with the big Chinese elm street, elm trees and you know I'm standing there smoking the cigar and you know And I got I got a wife in the house who loves me, that thinks I'm a great guy, you know.

I got a girlfriend across town that loves me and thinks I'm a great guy. >> Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That, too. Huh. >> And And I'm smoking the cigar and I'm thinking, God, I don't think I could be any more miserable than I am today.

>> It's not about the its you get. And uh, you know, shortly after that, I had to start getting honest in in Alcoholics Anonymous. I had to start I had to go back and start over again.

I had to go back and I had to work some steps and I had to get another sponsor and I had to do I had to do a lot of stuff cuz I was either going to drink or I was going to kill myself. One of the two. I knew I couldn't be dishonest like that and stay sober.

And you know, Ralph Ralph talks about when we get sober that that it's kind of like a whack-a-ole game. You know that like they have a Chuck-E-Cheese, you know, and you got this one problem alcohol and you pound that down. gambling pops up, it's son of a And then it's sex and then it's food and then it's, you know, work and then it's, you know, it's always something, you know, because we want to obsess on something.

We want to get outside of our own heads with something. And um, you know, that's that's that's what it was all about. But, you know, I got busy and I and I got sober and and I changed my life.

And and the message is is that if you're sitting in this room tonight and you've been sober for a while and you haven't done the work, you can do the work. It's not too late. You don't have to go out and drink to start your program over again.

And you can get back into the steps and you can get back and do the things that you need to do. And um you know, it it will be worth the journey. It will be worth the journey.

You know, there's no no coincidence that I've known six people since I've been sober that stone cold sober was some time they walked out in their backyard and put a gun in their mouth and blew their brains out because that's just how miserable it is. Because if I can't drink and I don't have or and I don't have God in my life, I'm screwed. I am screwed.

I've got no place to go. I got no place to hide. I got no place to run.

And um you know that's uh that's what h that's that's uh what happened to me. I you know I want to share a little bit about the last uh the last year and a half has been busy for me. And um you know I I I ended a relationship that I'd been in for about four years that that u I was ready to stay in for the rest of my life.

And uh against my will it was ended I guess. And means I got kicked to the curb is really what that means. And uh and and you know that was really tough and I and I got into another relationship and and you know and and they say you know that that pain is the touchstone to growth and and if that's true I grew like a son of a but but uh but but I stayed sober and uh that was that was the the important thing and and you know and I and I stayed busy and alcoholics anonymous.

got busy and I and and you know and I always sponsored five or six guys and there was seven or eight and then there was nine or 10 and then there was a dozen and now there's 16 and uh you know and and 16 guys is a lot of 16 people is a lot to sponsor and um you know if if you just had that thought in your head you know well he's sponsoring too many people well then get off your ass and do some work I need some help you know um you you know, and uh anyway, um la last August, you know, I went to the doctor and it was just that regular checkup to, you know, renew a couple of prescriptions and and he looked at me and he said he said, "Jim, how long how long have your lymph nodes been swollen?" And I said, "Well, doc, I could tell you that if I knew where my lymph nodes were." And uh he said, "Yeah, they they look a little swollen." and and uh to make a long story short, um you know, I did some blood work and he called me in a couple days and and uh he said, "Jim, I've already cleared it with the the insurance company and you need to go make an appointment at Hog Hospital and here's the number and uh you know, you need to have a biopsy done on your lymph nodes and I've already sent them the the uh the order to do that." And um you know, I I I I hung up the phone and I knew that um I knew that I was sick and I knew that it was serious and I knew that I wasn't going to die and I knew that I was going to be sick for 6 months. Don't ask me how I knew all this stuff, but I knew it. And I talked about it to some people.

And um you know, sure enough, I went and did the test and I had lymphoma and leukemia and um I just finished chemo about 6 weeks ago and uh you know, it's it's all good now, but you you know, somebody recently said, you know, that um oh, I'm so sorry that you know, you were sick and so on and so forth. And it was like, I can tell you that being sick was one of the single most great experiences of my life. you know, when I got sick, you know, it showed me that uh showed me showed me what life was all about.

You know, I didn't I didn't have to do that. U God, get me out of this one prayer. >> It was like was sitting there and I said, "God, I will do whatever.

I'm I'm whatever you want, I'm here to do it. If if whatever's going to happen, I'm okay with." And the only thing I asked that um I was able to walk through with a little bit of grace and dignity and that's that's what happened. And and you know and I got to I got to tell you that um I got sick and the A army showed up and uh it was pretty overwhelming for me because I'm a pretty low-key kind of guy.

And uh you know I had four people tell me immediately well what we're going to do and these were four people independent of each other said well here's what we're going to do. we're gonna pack up all the stuff in your apartment and we're gonna put it in storage and you're gonna move into my extra bedroom and I'm gonna take care of you. And uh you know that was that was pretty amazing.

And I had a lot of people praying for me and and I had a lot of people calling me every day and and uh you know I I got to tell you that that um you know I've done a lot of drugs so I have a lot of comparative analysis and I got to tell you that the chemo drugs they really suck. They're not fun at all. Yeah.

It was it was not a good buzz. Uh let me tell you that. But um you know I I was able to get through that.

I was able to walk through that and I was able to go to the other side. And um it was all because you know I did the footwork and I did exactly what the doctor told me to do and that's what I learned to do in AA. You know I took those steps and walked through it.

But um at any rate uh life is good today. Life is really good today. And uh I want to thank you again for asking me to share it with you.

Thank you. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.