A Solution That Never Fails: AA Speaker – Paul G. – Prescott, WI
AA speaker Paul G. from Prescott, WI shares his journey from 14 incarcerations and homelessness to sobriety through rigorous 12-step work. A no-nonsense talk on powerlessness, sponsorship, and real recovery.
Paul G. from Prescott, WI is a recovered alcoholic with 14 incarcerations, seven treatment centers, and years of homelessness behind him. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his bottom—stabbed 17 times in an alley, his children taken away—and how a sponsor with direct connections to early AA taught him the 12 steps as they were meant to be worked: not as suggestions, but as the only solution to a spiritual malady that nearly killed him.
Paul G., an AA speaker from Wisconsin, describes alcoholism as a spiritual malady with obsession of mind and allergy of body, explaining why real alcoholics cannot quit on a non-spiritual basis. He details his journey through all 12 steps with emphasis on surrender, character defects, humility, and carrying the message to other alcoholics. Paul critiques modern AA for watering down the program and emphasizes the importance of rapid step work, direct sponsorship, and teaching newcomers that recovery is not optional—it’s a solution that never fails.
Episode Summary
Paul G. pulls no punches in this talk. He opens with humor—including a joke about the Hetites that lands flat—but quickly establishes his central message: alcoholism is a spiritual malady, misunderstood by courts, families, and society. He defines it precisely: an obsession of mind telling the alcoholic “this time will be different,” paired with an allergy of body that kicks in after the first drink. Once alcohol enters his system, he’s off to the races.
He describes three things all real alcoholics share—inability to predict how much they’ll drink, when they’ll stop, or what behavior will follow. He contrasts real alcoholics (who cannot quit on a non-spiritual basis) with “hard drinkers” (who can quit given sufficient reason). This distinction matters, Paul argues, because hard drinkers shouldn’t dictate AA policy. Too many meetings are run by people who don’t need what AA actually offers.
Paul’s bottom was brutal. After two months sober on pure fear, he got his three boys back. They spent a perfect Saturday together—breakfast, basketball, laughter. That night, the obsession returned. One drink. Then bars. Then an after-hours joint in North Minneapolis. He was stabbed 17 times with an ice pick and left for dead. A squad car found him. At the hospital, his ex-wife and children looked at him with disgust and disappointment. He fell to his knees and cried, meaning every word of his surrender. But within one week, he couldn’t bring up the pain with enough force to stay sober. He drank again.
This story—told with raw emotion—is Paul’s proof of powerlessness. Not wanting to stay sober will not keep you sober. Consequences will not. Hitting bottom will not. “I’ve hit 157 bottoms,” he says. “Every time I hit a bottom, I find a trap door.”
Then he met his sponsor, who connected him to the early AA lineage: the sponsor’s sponsor was Clarence S., one of the first 40 AA members who helped write the Big Book, and his sponsor was Dr. Bob Smith himself. Paul was not handed a watered-down version of AA. He was told there’s one program, and if he wanted to live, he had to take it or his sponsor couldn’t help him.
Paul walks through the steps with clarity and passion. Step 2: not “pick and choose”—either believe or don’t. Step 3: the hardest part wasn’t turning his will over; it was the terrifying thought that God might “make him a monk.” Step 4: selfishness and self-centeredness are the root. Every resentment traces back to “what you did to me,” “what you should have done,” “what you could have done.” Every fear boils down to “I might not get what I want or lose what I have.”
Step 5: he had to tell his sponsor, face-to-face, that he was a liar, thief, and drunk—not hide it with a priest he’d never see again. Humility meant looking another person in the eye and telling the truth. Step 6 and 7: willingness and humility. He had to become willing to lose even the character defects he liked—his ability to manipulate with words, his lustful thoughts—not just the obvious ones.
Steps 8 and 9 are about restitution and direct amends. He didn’t just “not steal VCRs anymore.” He had to return the VCR and say he was sorry. One story stands out: he owed the IRS money from 10 years of unpaid taxes. His sponsor wouldn’t let him off the hook. When Paul finally tracked down what he owed, a check came in—from an old annuity fund and his wife’s savings—within $15 of the exact amount. “That’s what God does,” Paul says. “He goes before me. He opens doors and shuts them.”
Step 10 is daily inventory, but not lying in bed at night reviewing your day. It’s catching the lie at 9:01 when your conscience kicks in, then going back immediately to admit it. He used to lie about everything. Working Step 10 made lying so painful he stopped doing it. “My pain tolerance got lower,” he explains. Today he can only stand living selfishly for about 20 minutes before he hits his knees.
Step 11 is prayer and meditation. Paul had to lose the “genie in the bottle” God—the one he bargained with from jail cells. He learned to pray for God’s will, not his own. When his kids wouldn’t talk to him, he stopped praying “bring my kids back” and started praying for God to care for them in his absence and for God to work in him so he could be a father if he ever got the chance. It broke his heart, but it made him grow.
Step 12 is carrying the message. And here Paul gets fired up. The message is not your divorce, your boss problems, your bad week. The message is: “I had a vital spiritual experience. The obsession to drink was removed. I’ve been transformed. I have a solution that never fails.” Early AA had a 75% success rate because they went into gutters, insane asylums, hospitals, and jails to grab the lowest-bottom drunks and tell them the truth. Now we have a 5-10% success rate.
Paul sponsors 20 to 30 men a year. Most get through all 12 steps in two months. Over 75% of his sponsees stay sober—the same rate as 1939. He doesn’t coddle them. He doesn’t say “easy does it” or “take your time.” He tells them: they’re dying, the obsession will come back in six months if you’re not through the steps, and if you won’t work them, he can’t help you. He’s not their therapist or marriage counselor. He’s their sponsor, and his only job is to get them to God.
Paul challenges modern AA directly. Stop telling newcomers they don’t need to talk about God because it might make people uncomfortable. The newcomer is already uncomfortable. He just finished his last bottle. He’s desperate. He’s looking for hope. Give it to him. Stop watering down the program. Stop running feelings meetings about what car you’d be. The Big Book is 164 pages of clear-cut directions. Stick to it.
He ends with passion. He’s got three sons, all chemically dependent. Two are in recovery. One isn’t. Twenty years from now, if his son walks into an AA meeting sick, suicidal, and desperate, what will he hear? Will he hear there’s a solution that never fails? Will he hear clear-cut directions? Or will he hear someone’s divorce problems? “Please,” Paul says, tears in his voice, “if we don’t get this thing turned around, he won’t hear nothing like that.”
The final challenge: go out and find these people. They’re in treatment centers, halfway houses, detox units everywhere. Don’t sit in meetings hoping they’ll walk in. Get them. Tell them there’s an answer. Prove that AA works by doing what it says—carrying the message, one drunk at a time.
Notable Quotes
The obsession of mind tells me that it’s going to be different this time. That this time I’m not going to lose the wife, the license, the job, the home. That this time I’m going to drink like a gentleman.
I’ve hit 157 bottoms. Every time I hit a bottom, I find a trap door. I find a new low I can go to.
Don’t tell me that wanting to stay sober will keep me sober. It won’t. Don’t tell me that consequences will keep me sober. They won’t. Don’t tell me that hitting my bottom this time will keep me sober. It won’t.
We got to start letting people know that we have a solution that never fails. Forever and for good.
If I wanted to be free, I couldn’t be right. And I had to decide: do I want to be free or do I want to be right?
The woman I stole the VCR from doesn’t want to know that I’m not stealing VCRs. She wants her damn VCR back.
Early AA had a 75% success rate. We have a 5-10% success rate. And that breaks my heart.
God, relieve me of the bondage of self. Self is what kills me.
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Hitting Bottom
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
- Hitting Bottom
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Paul Gail and I'm a recovered alcoholic.
>> How you all doing tonight? >> Uh they told me before I came down here to speak tonight, they uh asked me if I minded being recorded. I I told them no.
I've been recorded several times, but uh my thought was that there'd be the sound system here and and all that. And I always say uh hooking me up to a sound system is is uh a lot like putting a fur coat on a polar bear. It's just not necessary.
So, you guys probably won't have any trouble hearing me in the back. Let me know if you do. I'll uh speak up.
Those of you who have heard me speak before are probably sitting in the back because you've heard me speak before. Those of you poor people sitting in front, well, I feel sorry for you. How many of you uh in here have heard me speak before?
That's a pretty good group of people. But I don't feel sorry for any of you cuz my wife is sitting here and this poor woman has had to hear this so many times I Well, it just about makes her sick to her stomach. You know what I'm saying?
Poor woman. I uh we do uh I'm so I'm so blessed with a uh such a wonderful wife that uh supports me in what I do. Uh my wife uh comes along with me and is my help and my support and in all the things that I do in recovery.
Uh uh I do a lot of speaking for Alcoholics Anonymous and um that's why I say that that poor woman. There's been years where I've had over a 100 speaking engagements in one year. Uh this year we'll do something between uh 50 and 60 uh this year alone.
Um and so uh it's some it's it's my passion to be honest with you. I have two passions. One is to uh carry a message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
So I sponsor a lot of guys. The other one is to do a a speaking in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um I always count it a privilege when I'm asked to speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Um my father was a public speaker uh and uh he always told me that if I was to do any public speaking that I was to dress like I had something important to say and for God's sakes say something important. Uh and so I've always kept that with me. The other thing uh was uh my I had such great sponsorship and uh my sponsor told me that if I was ever to speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that I was to carry a message of depth and weight that uh I had a responsibility and I had one purpose on this earth and that was to bring comfort to the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.
So depending on where you are tonight, you may be afflicted or you may be comforted. We'll figure that out later on. Uh, first of all, if you've ever heard me speak before, you know that I I like to use a little bit of humor in my talks.
Uh, but since a lot of you have heard me speak, I have to I have to keep changing my jokes, and I'm not happy about that. I want you to know that. I had some pretty funny stuff, but I can't use it all the time because you guys keep hearing me speak.
But, uh, when my wife and I, uh, just moved, we bought a house up in Cambridge, Minnesota. Uh, I suppose I don't know, about three years ago. H about three years ago and I used to tell a lot of jokes, a lot of Norwegian jokes.
And when we moved up to uh How many of you have heard this one? Oh, I got one, too. Okay.
When we moved up to Cambridge, uh I was telling my Norwegian jokes. And of course, I started offending people. There's a lot of Norwegians up there.
Well, that's the last thing I want to do when I start speaking. I don't want to offend everybody before I even get a chance to offend them. And and so, uh I had to kind of change my jokes up a little bit.
And I was I was really perplexed about this and uh I talked to a good friend of mine who happens to be a pastor and he said uh he said Paul I tell you what he said you could use a group of people from the Old Testament. They're called the Hetites. He said they're no longer in existence.
He said so you could use them as the brunt of your jokes and you won't offend anybody. I thought that's a great idea. So I I'd like to try this if you don't mind for the first time tonight.
So there's there's these two Hetites standing on top of a hill. Their names are Oolie and Sven. All right, there's my there's my big laugh for the night, huh?
Uh, I want to thank uh Jim for inviting me to speak here tonight. Uh, I always find it to be uh such an honor uh when I whenever I'm asked to speak. Um, by the grace of a loving and all powerful God, I am nothing short of a miracle standing before you here today.
And that's why I'm always so honored and privileged uh when I get an opportunity uh to speak in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, now I'm not going to bore you with some long drunkalogue. I don't do that.
Uh I I know a lot of people do that, but I just I tell you enough so that you can identify with me that I am an alcoholic. Uh but I don't think uh me talking for 45 minutes about how drunk I was and about 5 minutes of hope and about 10 minutes about what it's like now, I don't think that's appropriate for alcoholics to be honest with you. Uh I was told to carry a message of depth and weight that I was to carry a message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
uh to carry some hope and that's what I intend to do here tonight and that's what I always do or I try to. Anyways, um I wanted to you know I never use notes and I I uh for some reason I wrote notes tonight. I don't know why I do that because I never can look at them because I I always talk kind of off off the top of my head.
One of the things that I wanted to say tonight is what I really appreciated tonight was the prayer that was said before meal tonight. I can't tell you how rare that is today in Alcoholics Anonymous and how much of a shame I think that is. I'm so glad that we bowed our heads in prayer tonight to a power greater than ourselves, which I call God, which the big book calls God.
And I don't make any bones about that. Um, and so I like to say, uh, let me start out like this. This thing, uh, alcoholism, most misunderstood malady on the face of this earth.
misunderstood by our court systems, misunderstood by our society, misunderstood by our our families and our employers, misunderstood by the alcoholics ourselves. And so I want to talk just for a moment about alcoholism. What is it?
It's a spiritual malady. It um it manifests itself in two ways. Obsession of mind and allergy of body.
My obsession of mine tells me that it's going to be different this time. That this time I'm not going to lose the wife, the license, the job, the home. That this time I'm not going to hurt the people that I love most in life.
That this time I'm going to drink like a gentleman. Huh? That's what my obsession of mind tells me.
Now, my allergy of body once I take that first drink and that warm feeling enters my body and I'm at comfort and ease with the world uh at that moment uh I'm off to the races. I don't know when it's going to stop. Now, the other thing that my obsession of mine tells me is that despite of everything else in my life, okay, 14 incarcerations, seven treatment centers, three psych units, two marriages, and more visits to the emergency room than I care to mention.
My obsession of mine told me still, "Hey, I just like to party. I'm a party guy. You guys are all boring and I'm not." Um, that's what my obsession Yeah.
I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I'm getting arrested my 14th time.
Anybody ever do this this walk? I always say I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink, I break out in handcuffs.
Um, it's a truth, too. I uh But despite all that, everything in my life that said, "Paul, don't take that drink." My obsession of mine said, "Paul, take that drink." Huh? That's what alcoholism is.
Spiritual malady. Um there there's uh three things that all alcoholics have in common or at least most alcoholics have in common. And that is when I start drinking.
If if we cannot uh predict with uh absolute 100% accuracy how much I'm going to drink, I'm probably an alcoholic. If when I start drinking, I cannot predict with 100% accuracy when I'm going to stop, I'm probably an alcoholic. If when I start drinking, I cannot predict with 100% accuracy what my behavior is going to be, I'm probably an alcoholic.
Now, if you have all three of those, you're probably an alcoholic. Now, what do I mean about the behavior thing? I don't know if you guys can relate to this, but I never knew who was going to come out when I stuck that bottle in my mouth.
Do you know what I'm saying? One day I was the happy funny drunk. Huh?
You all loved me and I knew it. One day I was the angry, ticked off drunk. You know what I'm saying?
You know that guy? You ever meet that guy? Takes a drink and all a sudden he wants to fight the world.
I usually fought guys like him. Huh? 6'5.
Huh? I bloodied up more knuckles with my face than I care to count. I'm not kidding you.
Oh, give me the biggest guy in the bar. That's the guy I want to fight. I got a chip on my shoulder.
I'm going to take it off right now. Uh the other guy that came out was the sad lonely drunk. You know, the one that cried.
Yeah. I never knew who was going to come out of me. Uh those are the those are the three things that all of us alcoholics have in common.
Now um want to mention two men that uh are very important to me in my sobriety. They come from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. One is Dr.
Carl Young, worldrenowned psychiatrist from the early 1920s. Dedicated his life to finding a cure for alcoholism. So he goes back through the history of mankind and tries to find everything written on anybody that had ever recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
Here's what he finds. That nearly all of them say that just prior to recovery, they had some kind of a spiritual experience. So he's got gold.
So he takes it back to his office. He starts working intensely with alcoholics and he tries to artificially produce a vital spiritual experience. How much success did he have?
>> Zero. None. Zip.
Nobody recovered. So, why is it in our big book? I'll tell you why.
Because we found out that you had to have a vital spiritual experience and it could not be artificially produced. I couldn't put on a different pair of pants and recover. I couldn't move to a different state.
I couldn't think different. I couldn't make myself different and recover. I couldn't sit next to a bunch of recovered alcoholics and recover.
Had to be the real deal supernatural vital spiritual experience from a power greater than me who could do for me what I couldn't do for myself. Now, here's why I say this. Well, let me let me first let me say uh uh Dr.
Silkworth, he's my other hero. He writes the doctor's opinion in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. He makes two profound statements.
The first statement is he says, "No alcoholic ever recovers without a complete psychic change." That's a change from the inside out. And he says, "No one ever has a complete psychic change without a vital spiritual experience." Now, the reason those are in our big book is is is really valuable for us to know. And that's that's that's why these 12 steps have been written.
That's why we do these 12 steps. They are a program of action designed to bring us to a power greater than ourselves who could do for us what we could not do for ourselves. Now, here's why I want to say this.
The Big Book describes three types of alcoholics. One is the social drinker. You've seen them.
There's probably some Elanon members here that are social drinkers themselves. You guys make me sick, but you know who they are. They're the ones that drink half their drink and set it on the bar and walk away.
And you're looking at them like, "What the heck is the matter with you? Who does that?" Alcoholics don't think like that, do we? No.
I'm over there trying to sip her drink now. You know what I'm saying? Free drink.
What the hell? Uh, the other one that the second one it describes is the hard drinker. Now, the hard drinker looks a lot like an alcoholic.
They have trouble in their life. They get a DWI. They fight with the wife, maybe get a divorce, maybe even lose a job.
But there's a big difference. Given sufficient reason, the hard drinker can quit on his own. Given sufficient reason, a new marriage, move to a new location, get a new job, decides, "That's it.
I'm done." And he stops. Now, there's the third alcoholic. The real alcoholic is what the big book calls him.
That's who I am. The real alcoholic. The real alcoholic almost without exception cannot quit drinking on a non-spiritual basis.
That's what the big book says and I believe it and I'll tell you why I believe it in a minute. Um, here's why I say this. In Alcoholics Anonymous today, we have some hard drinkers in our meetings.
You're welcome here. Come on in, have a cup of coffee, sit around, hang out. That's cool.
But do not let hard drinkers dictate who we are as a as as Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll tell you why. Because the hard drinker can can quit on a non-spiritual basis.
He's the one that doesn't have to work the 12 steps. He's the one that doesn't have to find a power greater than himself. He's the one that can go fishing with his buddies and recover.
Now, why this is dangerous is because we got some of these hard drinkers in our meetings telling us how to run AA. Ah, you don't need them 12 steps. Let's go fishing.
You'll be fine. Well, I'll go fishing with you about three times and I want to stick a gun in my mouth. Huh?
Or drink one or the other. Now, here's here's why I say all this. Um, let me let me give you an example.
In the world of recovery, we hear a lot of things and they're not all true. One of them is, and you'll even hear this in Alcoholics Anonymous today, and you'll hear, "Well, he could have quit drinking if he really wanted to." Really? I don't believe that.
I'll tell you why I don't believe it. I'm going to give you an experience for my own life. It was uh late in my drinking career.
I had burned through two of my marriages. I had lost my job. Uh I had lost my place to live.
My children were pulled out of my life. I have three boys. I was deemed too irresponsible to father my own children.
I managed to stay sober on pure fear for about two months. How many know we can do that? Real alcoholics.
we can hang on for dear life painfully get two months of sobriety, can't we? So, I did that. I went to a couple AA meetings, sat next to some people who had recovered and figured, well, I'll get this thing that way.
Didn't work. But what happened was was I I managed to get two months of sobriety on pure fur. I convinced my ex-wife, who was a codependent, if you can believe that, that that I was now better and I could have my children back in my life.
So, she lets me have my three boys. They come over on a Friday night. Uh, we play games.
We have fun. We wake up Saturday morning. I cook them breakfast.
We're laughing and joking. We play basketball all day. Now, all three of my boys are taller than me, but I always win cuz I play a game called prison rules.
You You can do that when you're dad. You know what I'm saying? That ain't no foul at the end of the day.
Now, believe me, there's not a cloud on the horizon. I got a job back. I got a couple bucks back in my pocket and I've got this little apartment and now my three kids are back in my life.
Life is good. This is what I wanted. This is This is good life now.
This is This is what sobriety is about. Huh. Well, then that night we read some movies and my three boys fall asleep on the couch.
And what do you suppose pops in my head? Drink sounds good right now. After all, I I've been sober for two months.
I I just went through a little rough spot there. My obsession of mind, isn't it? comes back and tells me it's going to be different this time.
So, I'm just going to go out and have one, maybe two. I sneak out the front door. I walk a block away to a bar that happened to be by my house.
I walk in. I sit down. I have that first drink.
The alcohol enters my body. I am suddenly at comfort and ease once again. Allergy of body kicks in and I'm off to the races.
By 10:00 at night, I'm half drunk. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't love my kids any less.
I don't. It's just that the obsession of mind and the allergy of body is at full force now. You see, alcohol is my master.
I don't love my kids any less. It's just that right now alcohol has got control of me. You understand what I'm saying?
If you're an alcoholic, you know what I'm talking about. Uh 10:00 at night, an old high school buddy walks in and we end up closing up the bar. 1:00 in the morning and my obsession of mine tells me I haven't had enough yet.
I'm a party, remember? So, we ended up going to an after hours joint in North Minneapolis, one of the worst areas in town. To make a long story short, I get dragged out of the car.
I get robbed. I get stabbed 17 times with an ice pick and left for dead in the back of an alley. I wake up from an unconscious state and I stumble down the alley.
A squad car sees me and calls an ambulance. They take me to the hospital. By the grace of God, none of these puncture wounds enter any major organ in my body.
I'm stitched up and a few hours later, I'm released from the hospital. I borrow a few bucks from a good Samaritan. I take a cab ride home and who do you suppose is there when I get home?
My ex-wife. Huh? Now, I don't know if you guys can relate to this or not, but the look of disgust in my ex-wife's face.
What's the matter with you? You couldn't quit drinking for one night. YOU JUST GOT YOUR KIDS BACK.
What's wrong with you? Huh? How about the look of disappointment in my children's eyes?
Dad, we we just got back in your life. What's What's the matter with you? Now, as my kids were being dragged out of my home that night, I want you to know that I fell to my knees and I cried like A BABY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME? WHY DO I do this? I DIDN'T INTEND to do this.
I I was JUST GOING TO STOP FOR ONE. I don't want to lose another wife. I don't want to lose another child.
I don't WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER JOB. GOD, WHY DO I DO THIS? PLEASE, I quit.
I'm done. Now, how many of you know that I meant that with every fiber of my being? You know it because you're a real alcoholic and you've been there.
I did not want to take another drink. Now, how many of you know that within one week I could not bring up with sufficient force the pain and misery of a week ago and I was drunk again? Don't tell me that wanting to stay sober will keep me sober.
It won't. Don't tell me that consequences will keep me sober. They won't.
Don't tell me that hitting my bottom this time will keep me sober. It won't. I've hit 157 bottoms.
Okay. Every time I hit a bottom, I find a trap door. I find a new low I can go to.
You've been there, haven't you? I've hit my bottom this time. Really?
Keep drinking. You'll find another one. Huh?
No. This is why I mention this powerlessness. That's what we're talking about.
That's I I think we need to talk more about that in Alcoholics Anonymous. Powerlessness. There was nothing in me that could get over this thing, around this thing, under this thing.
I couldn't marry a new woman. I couldn't get a new set of children. I couldn't get a new job.
I couldn't sit next to somebody and sober up. I didn't have the power. I was completely powerless over this thing.
I watched everything in my life be wiped out and taken away and everything I loved or cared about gone and I couldn't stop it. Any of you relate to that? That's what that's what alcoholism is.
Powerlessness. Now, I'm going to fast forward a little bit. It's at the end of my drinking career.
Now, I wasn't like most people. I was a low bottom drunk. Not all of you in here are like that, but I was I was a lowbottom drunk.
And there it is. I uh along the way somewhere, my mother was an alcoholic and she was told by the doctors that if she drank anymore, she had pancreatitis and liver disease and uh they told her if she had any more to drink that she would probably die. My my mother managed to stay sober for one year on pure fear.
We we call it white knuckling in alcoholics anonymous. You know what that means, don't you? That means un that means a person who does not drink who is suffering from untreated alcoholism.
They're the happy campers. You know what I'm saying? Restless, irritable, discontent, miserable.
Huh? I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR SEVEN MONTHS BY the grace of God. They they don't even know what that means, but they've heard it said somewhere.
I'm just glad to be here. Really? cuz you look miserable to me.
I want you to know when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I got a solution for you. You don't have to live that way, hanging on for dear life. But that's what my mother did.
One day, her obsession of mine came back. Told her she could drink if she just managed well. Got a phone call from my sister.
I went over to my mother-in-law's or my mother's apartment. I walk in there. My mother is laying dead on the couch with a half bottle of whiskey sitting on the table.
Powerlessness. Powerlessness. Right to death.
Institutions, death, or recovery. Those are our three ways. Three ways out.
Whenever I speak at treatment centers, I always tell them, "You better pick one because you're going to go one of those three ways. Pick one." Now, at the end of my drinking career, this is the last story I'll talk about my drinking career. Well, kind of.
Yeah, we got some cats who have heard me before. I had lost everything. I was a low bottom drunk.
I was homeless in the streets of Minneapolis. My wife had left me. She had had enough of me.
My kids wouldn't talk to me. My family wouldn't let me at their house. I was sleeping under porches and sleeping in homeless shelters.
I was the guy sitting on the curb with a bottle of whiskey and a bag. And if you seen me a block away, you went to the other side of the street cuz you did not want to pass me. I was talking to myself and that bothered some of you.
Still does to this day. It's getting better though. I usually have an audience when I talk.
Not always, but usually. Uh, so I was a lowbottom drunk. I was completely and totally powerless.
Now, I I won't go into a long story, but I eventually ran into a man who would become my sponsor. And here's what he told me. He said to me, "Paul, what would you do to give up drinking forever and for good?
Forever and for good?" What are you talking about? You mean, see, I had been in and out of AA for 20 years. I know the lingo.
You mean 24 hours, don't you? You mean uh one day at a time. You mean just for today, don't you?
Nope. He said, "Forever and for good." And there was a reason that he told me that. Guys, we got to start letting people know that we have a solution that never fails.
Forever and for good. I'll tell you why. I tell all the cats that I work with all the time, you better get it out of your mind.
The thought that someday you can go back and drink with impunity because that's what we do. I only have to quit drinking just for today. You know what I'm saying?
I My sponsor told me I didn't have that right. That I had to decide that I was done forever and for good. And if I was, he had a solution that never failed.
If I was willing to go to any length and take certain steps. Well, I I tell you how I did this. I went kind of like this.
I'd do anything. And I'd like to see you try. Huh?
Cuz I'd been down this road before, hadn't I? I know what you AA people do. You sit around a table and you talk about your problems.
By the time I leave that meeting, I want to drink more than when I came in. Don't tell me how you got a solution. Well, uh, I was blessed.
I tell you, by the grace of God, God brought me to a man named Dale Morphett. Dale Morphett, uh, his sponsor was Clarence Snder, one of the first 40 members of Alcoholics Anonymous. He helped write the big book, and his sponsor was Dr.
Bob Smith. Now, there's two men that stand between me and the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I don't say that to impress you, but to impress upon you that I was not given a watered down, diluted message of what Alcoholics Anonymous was.
My sponsor told me that he didn't have his program and my program and your program. He had the program and it's the only one that worked and it's the only one he was going to offer me. And if I wanted to live, I had to pick that program or he couldn't help me.
That's the option he gave me. What is this in alcoholics and honesty where we say, "Pick and choose what you can use and leave the rest." What? The cat comes in dying.
You think if he could have pick and choose what he could use, he'd he'd need us, huh? Wouldn't he just pick and choose what he could use and not come to AA? I think I won't drink today.
I pick that. I I think I'll have a good life today. I'll pick that.
I think I won't lie or steal from you today. Yes, I'll pick that. I couldn't pick and choose what I could use.
My sponsor told me I had a broken picker, but I couldn't pick anymore. My picker was broken. I didn't have the right to pick anymore.
He was going to pick and choose for me. God, I had great sponsorship. We need more of that today.
I'm not kidding you because I I'm not talking about this meeting, but I get around in AA and I'm telling you, there's some sick stuff going on in Alcoholics Anonymous today. That's part of what I do is I try to get some of that straightened out while I'm up here at this podium. I'll tell you this, if I say anything tonight that you cannot rectify with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, consider it my opinion and do with it what you will.
I'll tell you right now that my opinion in a buck will barely buy you a cup of coffee. But what's in that first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're a real alcoholic, will change, transform, and save your life every time. There's no doubt about it.
Now, so I start working with this guy and we get on the step two. Came to believe that a power of greater cells could restore society. I want to I want to give you a little flash version of what this looked like to me.
This is my experience, strength, and hope. Uh step two, came to believe that power of greater cells could restore to sanity. Here's all this was.
Do you, and the big book says it, do you now believe or are you willing to believe in a power greater than you? So, I'm standing there homeless in the streets of Minneapolis with two garbage bags full of clothes. Sure, I'm willing.
You know what I'm saying? The big book describes it, too. When faced with living life on a spiritual basis or dying an alcoholic death, this was a difficult decision for us to make, doesn't it?
It wasn't it. Now, isn't that amazing about alcoholics? Let me see.
spiritual basis, alcoholic death. I don't know what to do. Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you one thing we got to do is we got to stop giving these people options. Tell them the truth. Life on a spiritual basis, alcoholic death.
Pick one. Now, >> if you don't want to pick that, go find something else. It might work for you.
It might not. But this is all I got to offer you. I'm so glad I had that type of sponsorship.
So, we get to step three. made a decision to turn our will in our lives over the care of God as we understood him. Uh oh, now I got a real problem.
I've got to step with the word God in it. Holy cow, what am I going to do with that? I'll tell you what, I didn't know if there was a God.
And if there was a God, I didn't know if he liked me too much. And if he did like me, I didn't know if he had the power to do for me what I couldn't do for myself. But I did tell my sponsor I was willing to go to any length.
So he says, "Paul, do you believe in God?" I said, "I guess so." He said, "Guess nothing. Either he is or he isn't. Make up your mind right now.
Whoa. What happened to pick and choose what you could do? Oh, I forgot.
We're not doing that here. Okay. I say he is.
So, he made me get on my knees. Now, I want you to know the other hard problem I had with this. I don't know if you can relate to this, but there I am standing there homeless with two garbage bags full of clothes.
And I the only thought in my mind was if I turn my will of my life over to God, he might screw up my life somehow. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
I know what this life is. It's painful and it's miserable, but it's familiar and I know how to navigate that. But the spiritual life, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE AND IT SCARES THE HECK out of me.
Huh? He might make ME SOME MONK ON top of a hill and I'm convinced I'm not going to be happy. I wouldn't like being a monk.
I don't like this the clothes they wear. I I was never a sandal guy. You know what I'm saying?
But here was the deal. I had to look at my options. Here's what my sponsor told me my options were.
That to this point in my life, I had been living on self-reliance. I had to make a choice whether to be God reliant or self-reliant. And I had to make that choice now.
Now, self-reliance, look where he had gotten me. Homeless in the streets of Minneapolis, dying of this thing called alcoholism. I I I guess I had just enough hope in my sponsor telling me he had a solution where I was willing to get on my knees and say, "God, take my will in my life even though I don't want to give it up.
Take it from me anyways and teach me how to live." That's how I was to pray. and it made a difference in my life. So, we get on to step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
How come? My sponsor told me these were the areas in my life that were blocking me from a relationship with God that I so desperately needed, who could do for me what I couldn't do for myself. That if I wanted to survive, I needed to take a look and take take stock in these things in my life and see whether or not I had any part in there or what I needed to do with them.
I could talk for a whole hour on step four, but I won't. I'm going to tell you what I found that at the end of my fourth step, we looked at resentments, fears, and sex conduct. I looked at my resentments.
Selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of all my troubles. Every one of them. If my resentments, if I resented you, it's because what you did to me.
If I resented you as what what you should have done to me. If I resented you, it's because what you could have done to me. I you didn't do anything to me.
And I still resent you. >> >> You should have done something. Me.
EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT ME. THE WHOLE WORLD WAS ABOUT ME. YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW, BUT I WAS IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
I was in charge of all of you, and you wouldn't behave the way I needed you to. That was my problem. Selfishness is self-centerness.
It was all about me. I I uh fears. People say, "Well, fears can't be selfish." Yes, they are.
Every one of them. Everyone in the room, think of a fear that you have right now. I guarantee it comes under one of two headings.
I might not get what I want or I might lose what I already have. Doesn't it? Why?
Oh, you got the spider one. You got three spider ones. Really?
You afraid of spiders? >> No, no, no. I might get what I deserve.
>> I might get what I deserve. Yeah. I I'll talk to you after the after the meeting.
I I usually get the Well, I'm afraid of spiders. How does that fall in there? Great.
Okay. Yeah, you're right. Keep drinking.
It's cool. Now, fears are rooted in selfishness AND SELF-CENTERNESS. I MIGHT NOT GET WHAT I want or I might lose what I already have, and it scares me.
That's what my That's what my fears are rooted in. Now, sex conduct. I don't have a whole lot to say about sex conduct.
I did not hurt everyone I had sex with. I disappointed most of them, but I didn't hurt them. But but but when reviewing our sex conduct, all we were looking for is had I harmed anyone, was I selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy?
And then what I'm supposed to do with that on the other side is ask God to show me the right way to do this. That's all it is. It's as simple as that.
Resentments are the same thing. What was my part? You know what I'm saying?
I had a part. Now, some people say that u some people had done some things to me that I had no part. And and it's true.
They have justifiable resentment, right? How about how about when I was abused as a child? Isn't that justifiable?
Here's the problem with that. I'm resenting someone who did something to me 30 years ago. They're not even alive anymore and I'm still hanging on to that thing and it's killing me.
Now I have to make up a choice. Huh? Do I want to be free or do I want to be right?
My sponsor told me that I I didn't get a choice in this that if I wanted to be free, I couldn't be right. And I'll tell you another thing about this resentment. When does it become my responsibility?
When I carry it for 30 years and it's not going on anymore. I have to decide. Do I want to sober up or do I want to hang on to this resentment?
You want to be free? Let it go. Okay.
Sorry, I got all fired up there. I was so selfish and self-centered. Let me tell you, I used to take women out on dates and I'd go on and on and on about me.
I'd say, "Enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all about me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Yep. So, I get through my fourth step.
I find out that I'm selfish and self-centered to the core. Have no clue how I'm going to get rid of this. But the big book tells us we must get rid of it or it kills us.
It uses those strong words. And if you notice, after kills us is an exclamation point. It means it.
And I believe it. I believe that my selfish and asessness and self-centerness was the root of my spiritual malady and it was killing me and if I wanted to be free I must lose this thing and the big book says it's almost impossible without the power of God to lose this selfishness and I believe that today I want you to know that now we move on to step five uh minute to God to ourselves another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. So I say to my sponsor hey you know uh why do I got to do this?
I mean God certainly knows him I know him. Why do I got to admit to another human being? He says, "Pride, Paul.
You needed to humble yourself. You need to tell the truth to another human being. You need to look him in the eye and tell him the truth about yourself." Now, by the end of my drinking career, here's what I was.
I was a liar, a thief, and a drunk. Huh? But if you were a, for instance, I'm homeless on the streets of Minneapolis, and I run into somebody I haven't seen in seven years, and he says, "Paul, how's it going?" What do you suppose comes out of my mouth?
>> How do we all KNOW THAT? IT'S GOING GREAT. NEVER MET HER.
GOT A JOB coming up in two weeks. Got a couple bucks I can borrow till I get my first check. Huh?
I've got three of my original teeth and I'm down to 140 lbs. But I'm beating women off with a baseball bat. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, and it it's no different for any of us. If I was to ask any one of you in here privately, so tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm a liar and a thief and a drunk. You wouldn't do that, would you? No, we I'd like I like slow walks on the beach.
Little puppy dogs and kids. I'm a great guy. You know what I'm saying?
That's what we want to show. Why? That's my mask.
You see, I wear this mask I have all my life. It's the mask I want you to see. I see what I want you to see out here is smart, bright, funny, strong, talented.
Huh? That's what I want you to see. But what's going on inside of here?
Scared, full of fear, sad, depressed, frightened. That's what I am inside. That's what I was inside.
Huh? Scared to death, selfish, and self-centered to the core. That's what I was.
So, I had to admit that to another human being. I had to look him right in the eye. I'm a drunk and a thief and a liar.
The only time I do anything good is so that you'll see me and say what a great guy Paul is. Not because I give a rat's ass about you. That was the truth.
Now, it's not pretty, but it's where I was. And I had to tell the truth on myself. Now, I didn't start out this way, guys.
How many of you know that this spiritual malady has a has a few causes in our life. We go down the hill physically, right? Mentally, emotionally, and morally, don't we?
Huh? Can you identify with that? Yeah.
You know, when I was 18, they'd say, "You're an alcoholic." I'd say, "I'm no alcoholic. I I'm just a partyier." Huh? I might be a partyier, but I'm no alcoholic.
Huh? About 5 years later. Okay.
I'm an alcoholic, but I'm no liar. Huh? I'm going to tell you something.
By by the time I was homeless on the streets of Minneapolis, I was I was lying about everything. Huh? I was telling women I was an FBI agent.
Ah. Yeah, I'm I'm just undercover here, >> you know. Uh they don't let us carry any money on us either.
So, you're going to have to buy the drinks. Okay. Oh, yeah.
All right. I might I might be a drunk and a and a liar, but I'm no thief. Huh.
About 10 years later, I I I was stealing your wallet and then help you look for it. You know the type of guy? Yeah.
No, I ain't seen your wallet, but I'll sure help you look for it because I'm a great guy like that. You know what I mean? No.
See, I I couldn't get my outsides to match my insides. And that's what that fistip was about. It was about humbling myself to another human being.
And I'm going to tell I'm going to tell you this, and you're not all going to like this. We send too many people to priests and a and uh uh the church for this. We don't need to be.
I'll tell you why. My sponsor made me tell him my fistep. Why?
because I had to humble myself. I had to tell another human being that I was going to see again all the stuff I had done. That was humbling myself.
I mean, you know, and I I don't want to hammer this too much because some of us feel the need to go to a priest. That's fine. But if we're going there because we want to hide, be careful of that, okay?
Yeah. I'm going to go see a priest in uh in Nantucket. Don't even know where it is.
Never go never been there before. And I'll never be there again. That's where I'm going to humble myself.
You get the difference? I just want to throw that out there. Now, don't don't start hating me.
Jim invited me. Just remember that. It's all I'm saying.
Thanks, Jim. So, I did my fifth step and I got honest for the first time in my life. I told the truth on myself for the first time in my life.
I said what I was and it wasn't pretty, but it's who I was. Now, we get to step six. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Which ones? The ones we admitted in step five, the ones we wrote down and discovered in step four, the ones that are going to free us from the bondage of self. That's what the big book talks about.
That's just spiritual malady. Now, we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character in the areas that I wasn't entirely ready. I was to get on my knees and ask God to make me ready.
Huh? Too many times in Alcoholics Anonymous, I hear, well, well, God must God must not want to take that from me. Yes, he does.
Believe me, it's ugly and he wants you to to lose it. Okay? No, it's it's WHAT I DO.
I'M NOT WILLING. I'm going to tell you something. God won't take something that we're not willing to give up.
Big book says we need to get entirely ready. Now, I'm not saying that comes overnight because it doesn't. But it comes over time.
If we're working a proper 10, 11, and 12 step, they start moving from us. I'll tell you that. I'll I'll explain that in a minute.
We were entirely ready. Now, I'm going to tell you another thing. My sponsor told me that this is the step that separates the men from the boys.
Now, it was really easy for me to give up certain things. Yeah, God. Um, if I could not get pulled over drinking and driving anymore, that'd be a good one.
Yeah, take that one, would you? But how about how about my ability to manipulate you with my words? How about my ability to tell you half-truths and to put myself in a good light?
Was I willing to get rid of that? How about my ability to look at a beautiful woman across the room and do whatever I wanted to with her in my head? Was I willing to get rid of that?
Oh. Oh geez, now you're getting per. Why does that got to do with anything?
Because what I think is what I am. Okay. Who we hiding from?
Well, just now I've told you before, just because I'm hiding it from the rest of the world doesn't mean that it's not affecting me. Most of the stuff I hid from the world is the is the stuff that affected me the most. No, I had to be willing to go to any length.
I had to be entirely ready to have God remove all the ones, even the ones I liked. Huh? Now, there's there's the real deal Alcoholics Anonymous program right there.
Huh? That's what it says in the big book. Now, step seven, humbly ask to remove our shortcomings.
Humility is just this. It's not standing up here in pride and ego. It's not growling on my hands and knees, but it's standing before God just as I am.
And at that time, a liar, a thief, and a drunk. Standing before God and saying, "God, could you clean up this mess because I can't. would you please humbly asking him to do for me what I can't do for myself.
Now, one more thing I want to say about that. I'm sure that many of you can. This spiritual malady is a serious business, isn't it?
Big book makes no bones about it. It's a serious, serious, fatal business, especially for the alcoholic. But check this out.
Is there anybody in here that wanted to be a better father but fell short? Wanted to be a better husband or wife, sister, brother, friend, huh, citizen but fell short? That's because we're powerless.
We're powerless over the spiritual malady. You see, I had to go to God and say, "God, I love my kids, but I I don't know HOW TO BE A FATHER. PULL that out of me.
I don't know how to be a decent husband. I don't know how to be a decent friend. I don't I don't know how to do this.
Help me." That's my step seventh prayer. God, God, help me. That's what it is.
This is not a self-help program. This is a God-help program. Always has been.
always will be, always should be. We got too many cats doing the self-help deal. It's killing us.
It's killing a lot of people. But we'll talk about that in a minute. We'll talk about that in a minute.
Okay. Step one is admission. Step two through seven is submission.
I'm to submit to a power greater than me. Step eight, nine is restitution. I'm now to go back and clean up the wreckage of my past.
Step eight, we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Willingness is the key. I had to become willing to make amends to all these people.
Now, some people get too far ahead. Well, I don't know if I can make amends to are you willing. That's that's the that's the question.
I'm not going out and making amends. I'm becoming willing in the areas that I wasn't willing. I was to get on my knees and ask God to make me willing.
Now, what about the people that had harmed me more than I had harmed them? Was I willing? Now, some people will tell me, "Well, I can't forgive that." No, you won't forgive that.
There's a difference. And here's the difference. Do you want to be free or do you want to be right?
You got to make your mind up. This is your life. You're the one that's dying is what my sponsor told me.
You want to be free or you want to be right. You go ahead and be right. You can be right and carry THAT BOTTLE RIGHT TO THE grave with you.
Die right or you can let this go. Ask God to remove it from you. Ask God to make you willing and you can be free.
You make up your mind. That's what my sponsor told me. Thank God I had that kind of sponsorship.
Hardcore real deal alcohol is not a sponsorship. He didn't offer me an easier, softer way. He didn't tickle my ears with what I wanted to hear.
He told me things that made me uncomfortable. Thank God he made me uncomfortable. He He afflicted the comfortable.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a good thing, too. It's a funny thing, too, isn't it?
So, I became willing to make amends to them all in the areas that I and there were some people. My mother was one of them. She was an alcoholic.
She was very abusive emotionally, sexually, sexually, and physically. How was I going to forgive that? Ah, as I began to grow spiritually, I began to see that I was spiritually sick and that I wanted forgiveness for so much that I had done.
I began to see my mother as a spiritually sick person. And I began to treat her as I would a sick friend. That's what the big book says.
Is this easy? No. Simple.
Yeah. Simple. Not easy.
That's what the big book says and I believe it. I was willing to go to any length and so I was willing to even forgive my mother who at one time in my life I said was unforgivable. Now I can tell you today by the miracle of and the power of God in these 12 steps.
My mother's dead now but I love her. I wish she was here. I'd hug her and I'd say, "Mom, it's okay.
You did the best you could. You're an alcoholic and you didn't have a solution like I got. I wish I wish somebody would have carried that message to you, Mom, but they didn't.
I feel more pity for her now than I do anything. Pity and love as I would a sick friend. Do you get what I'm saying?
What a change has transformed over me because of these 12 steps. Step nine, made direct such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Here's how I had to do these.
I had to walk right up to the guy that I stole the wallet from and help spent three hours helping him look for it. Hey, I want you to know when I stole your wallet and helped you look for it, it was wrong. Here's the $40 that was in it.
If there's anything else I can do to make this right with you, I want you to know I'm willing. Humility. That's what this step is about.
Humility. Humbling myself before another human being. You know what I wanted to do.
Uh but uh I was a really bad alcoholic back then. But I'm a lot better now. I'm living life on a spiritual basis.
I'm really a great guy. That's why I'm coming here giving you $40. You can see that, can't you?
Sure. I wanted to look good. My sponsor told me that I didn't have the selfish self-centered right to look good.
that that wasn't the business of this ninth step. That this ninth step wasn't about telling him what he did. Telling me how telling him how wonderful I am.
It was about telling the truth on myself. This is what I did. It was wrong.
Here's how I make it up to you. You get what I'm saying? That's how my sponsor made me do these.
It was painful, but it was humbling. I grew up during that period of my life. I grew up.
I had to look other people in the eyes and say, "This is what I did to you. I'm sick about it. Let me make it right." I had to clean up my own past.
Huh. Now, I hear an AA a lot. This this thing a lot.
It just kills me. Uh, I'm just doing a living amends. I'm living different today.
Well, that's great. But, you know, the woman I stole the VCR from doesn't want to know that I'm not stealing VCRs. SHE WANTS HER DAMN VCR BACK.
You know what I'm saying? And she has a right to it, doesn't she? Yeah.
I don't get to just not steal VCRs. I got to go give her VCR back and tell her I'm sorry. right in the face.
Humbling. That's what it is. Now, if you look at this, I became willing before step one.
Then in step one, I admitted. I took action. Right?
Uh step two, I was willing. Step three, I asked God. Step four, I was willing to look at these things.
Step five, I admitted them. Step six, I was willing to have God remove them. Step seven, I humbled myself.
Right? Willingness, humility. Willingness, humility.
Willingness, humility. That's what this whole program is. willingness, humility, humility always followed by the willingness to be humbled.
Every step humbles me. It's either every step makes me be willing. Ask God to make me willing and the other step humbles me.
You get what I'm saying? Because ego, pride, selfishness, and self-centerness are the root of all my troubles. They are.
I'm telling you, at least for me now. Uh, okay. I always say this and well, I'm not going to go there.
There's some miracles that happen in my step ninth amens. I want you to know that uh I wasn't like all you people. I was a procrastinating drunk and I had not filed a state or federal income tax in over 10 years when I sobered up.
So I go to my sponsor. I said, "Hey, really like this honesty program. I do.
It's great. Doing a lot of good for me, too. Want you to know that.
But uh I don't have to really be honest with the state and federal government, do I? It's not real. It's not personal like that, right?
Besides, all they want is my money." No, no, no. Paul, he says, "They don't want your money." This feeling of hope welled up inside of me. I said, "They don't want my money." He says, "No, Paul.
They want their money." Yeah, that's what I said, too. They want theirs, Paul. Good sponsorship.
That's what I had. So, uh, because I had been, uh, spent the last 10 years of my life mostly in a blackout. I was a blackout drinker.
Uh, I didn't know what had happened really. So, it took me about six months to dig through all my paperwork, find out everything I could. I sent it to the IRS.
It took them 6 months to gather all the paperwork that they had on me and send it back. I took it to an accountant and between me and my wife and the accountant took us another 6 months to figure out exactly what I owed the federal state and federal government. At this same time, I received a letter from a company I used to work for said I had a little annuity fund sitting there and if I wanted it and was willing to pay the taxes on it, I could have it.
I said, "Send it on up." Well, my wife had this little fund from her job and I had this check come in and all total it was within $15 of what we owe the state and federal government. Isn't that amazing? Now, here's why I say that.
There is a power greater than me. It's God. He goes before me and he clears the path.
He opens up doors and he shuts them. He makes things possible that I I can't possibly do on my own and he does them for me. That's what this program is about.
It's about the power of a loving God who can do for us what we can't do for ourselves. The ABC say it. We were alcoholic, could not manage our own lives.
B, that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And C, that God could and would if he were sought. That's what this program is about.
Now, I'm on the last three steps and and I know you guys can count. So, that means I'm just about done. Step 10, continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
This is not the step where we lay our head on our pillow at night and review our day. We get told that all the time in AA it's not. Read your big book.
It says that we clean up our mess as we go. And here's why. When I lie to you at 9:00, doesn't take me till midnight to figure out that was a lie, does it?
I know it at 9:01. Now, I'm not supposed to carry that with me all day long because if I do, you know what'll happen? I'll go to bed and justify it.
The next morning, I don't have to tell you squat. I just won't do it again. I'll do a living amends.
You know what I'm saying? No. I had a sponsor who said, "No, you won't do that." So, when I lied to you at 9:00 and I turn away and my gut goes, "Ooh, that was a lie." You know, your conscience comes back when you stop drinking.
Oh, I hated that. This feeling in my gut that said that was wrong. So now I got to go back to you and I got to say, say, what I just told you, that was a lie.
I was wrong. And here's the truth. Now, do you know how humbling and painful that is?
Well, here's what it was. When I sobered up, I was such a liar, it was pathetic. I lied about everything.
Even without alcohol in me, I lied about everything. Huh? So, this is one of the first things that God had to pull out of me.
And here's how he did it. as I worked these steps of step 10. And every time I had to go back to her, sometimes five times in the same day, and go, "Sorry, I did it again.
Here's the truth. I become less willing to go through the pain that it takes to humble myself." You know what I'm saying? Now, about two weeks into this thing, I was like, I'm not saying that.
Here's here's the truth. I'm not even going to lie because it becomes too painful. You know, I always say this.
You know what my problem was when I firsted up? Selfish and self-centered to the core. You know what it is today?
Selfish and self-centered to the core. Here's the difference. Today, my pain tolerance is much lower.
I am not willing to withstand the pain that it takes to live selfishly and self-centeredly. Uh back when I sobered up, I could take this stuff for weeks and months at a time. Huh?
But today, I can stand it for about 20 minutes. And I got to hit my knees to the floor and say, "God, help me to do what's right here." Do you know what I'm saying? I'm less willing today.
That's by the power of God in these steps. Now, I want to just say something on step 10. This I rarely read when I speak, but I want to get this out.
We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. What does that mean? We start living on 10, 11, and 12 as we do step nine.
That's what we're supposed to be doing. We're supposed to live on these steps daily. Then it says um it is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels.
We are headed for trouble if we do for alcohol is a settle full. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into the into all our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done.
These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Hm. How when was the last time you heard that in an AA meeting?
I hope you hear it every day. We should be talking about this stuff. This is the solution to our spiritual malady.
Now, step 11. I want to blah blah blah. Step 11.
I I uh you know, I know that I I love to talk and sometimes I talk too much. I understand that. But uh I started going to this new 12step program for people who talk too much.
Have you guys heard that? It's called On and On and On. And uh I'm on my I just finished my fifth step.
I'm feeling a lot better. I'm using a lot less words to say the same thing. So getting better.
It's great. Really working for me. Step 11.
Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.
What a powerful step, isn't it? Is that what are we talking about? That we need to What a powerful step.
You know, when I sobered up, I had the genie in the bottle. God, you ever hear him? God, get me out of this one and I promise.
Huh? I'm sitting in a jail cell. God, get me out of jail and I I promise you, Huh?
God, bring my wife back and I I promise. Huh? God, get my wife out of here.
And I promise. Huh? >> >> It it goes both ways depending on what mood I'm in that day.
But I found out I had to lose the genie to bottle god that I had to start praying actually for his will to be done, not mine. I'll give you an example of that. When I sobered up, my family wouldn't talk to me.
My my kids wouldn't talk to me. This broke my heart. I love my boys.
Wouldn't talk to me. I used to pray this prayer. God, please bring my kids back into my life.
I was told that that was selfish and self-centered. I was told that would you take your children and drop them off to a sick alcoholic's home and say, "Here, take care of my kids." Of course, you wouldn't. Why are you asking God to do that for you?
Huh? Here's how I had to learn to pray. God, even though my my children won't come back in my life and they won't talk to me, would you please take care of them in my absence?
Would you bring a man into their life who would be a a figure for them to look up to, who could show them how to be a man, respectable, loving, kind? Huh? And God, could you work those things in me so that if I ever do get my kids back that I can be the father that you have called me to be?
Huh? You think that was easy for me? Tears rolled down my face as I said prayers like this.
But I want you to know something. I grew up when I had to start saying prayers like that. Doesn't matter what I want.
I lost the privilege of having my kids in my life. They're a privilege, you know, not a right. I thought everything was a right.
I have a right to my wife. I have a right to my kids. I have a right to my job.
I found out when I sobered up that they were privileges. And I lost those privileges. And it was up to God whether or not he was going to give me those privileges back.
But what I had to ask for was the was the ability to get through these without blaming others, loving them, knowing they they hurt as much as I do, and asking for God to do in their life what I couldn't. Boy, what a difference this made in my life. This is what we're supposed to be doing in step 11.
And this is the last thing I read. I I'll read. I I promise you, because I don't like reading anyways.
Here's what it says. When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid?
Do we own apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all?
You ever ask yourself these questions every night? You can't ask yourself these questions every night and stay the same. We will spiritually grow when we're asking ourselves the hard questions.
Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others? Of what we could pack in the stream of life?
Hm. These are tough questions, aren't they? This is real deal alcoholics anonymous.
Step 11 by the book. What I'm supposed to be doing every night. If I'm doing this, I'm going to grow up.
Huh? Or I'm going to drink or I'm going to stick a gun in my mouth. Those are my three options.
Now, in thinking about the day ahead, we face. Oh, no. I don't want to read that one.
We usually conclude the prayer uh the period of meditation with a prayer that we should be shown through all the day what our next step is to be. That we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We especially ask for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no request for ourselves only.
Yeah. Is that easy? No.
Hardest thing I've ever had to do is learn to pray like this. But I want you to know the value that I've received out of this. Selfishness and self-centerness was killing me.
God, relieve me of the bondage of self. Self is what kills me. And how do I lose this selfishness?
I become selfless. I start caring about you. I want to say this.
You want to be loved, go love somebody. This old adage of, well, you can't love leathers unless you love yourself. Not true.
I loved myself way more than I loved you. I promise you that. In fact, my self-love was killing me.
No, what I had to say was, "God, show me how to love this person." Huh? When I began to love others, I began to love myself. Huh?
You want to get help? Go help somebody. You want to be understood, go understand somebody.
You want to be loved, go love somebody. I've had it backwards my whole life. The big book makes it clear.
This is what we do. And we get free. Now I'm on step 12.
Finally done. Get that nut off the podium. All right, step 12.
Whoops. See if I wrote anything down. I told you I don't I don't usually use notes.
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening. As the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our fears.
I'm going to tackle the principles first. Did you know there's a principle behind every step in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous? And here they are.
1 through 12. Here's the principles behind steps 1 through 12. Honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, forgiveness, justice, perseverance, spirituality, and service.
Those are the 12 principles behind the 12 steps. That is how I'm supposed to live my life every day. Not just here.
Not just when I'm sitting in the church pew, but at work, at home, when I'm in the line at the grocery store, when I'm in traffic that's moving 10 miles an hour on a 65 mph highway coming to a dead stop, and I can't figure out why. Sorry, I blew up. Okay.
Now the first part of this step which is probably the most important thing that I'll talk about tonight. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message. What message?
Did you hear that? Having had a spiritual awakening as the result. It's not something that might happen.
It's not a side note. Spirituality isn't isn't a part of this program. It's the whole program.
It's what this program is. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message. What message?
That I've had a vital spiritual experience. That the obsession to drink has been removed seemingly without without effort by a power greater than me. That I've been catapulted in the fourth dimension of existence.
That I have found MUCH OF HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ON EARTH. THAT I'VE GOT a solution for you that never fails. I've got clear-cut directions from the front cover to page 164.
And if you are ready to go to any length and take certain steps, you too can quit drinking forever and for good. You don't have to live like that anymore. That's our message.
That's what we're supposed to be talking about in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's our That's supposed to be our battlecry. Why?
Because it's our primary purpose. What's our primary purpose? Carry the message to the alcoholic.
Carry our message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Isn't it? What's our primary reason for being an alcoholic synonymous?
Now, most people say to stay sober. I don't that's not my primary purpose for being here. My primary purpose is to carry a message of experience, strength, and hope to the alcoholic who still suffers.
And guess what happens when I do that? I stay sober. Too many people in Alcoholics Anonymous today think that Alcoholics Anonymous is a downhour hour therapy session.
It's not where we're supposed to go dump our problems. I'll tell you why that's a problem. You guys might not like me, but I'm going to tell the truth anyways.
Here's the deal. I'm supposed to carry my experience, strength, and hope, not my bad luck, weakness, and despair. And here's why.
Somebody just finished his last bottle of vodka. His wife left him. Hasn't seen his kids in weeks.
He lost his job. He's miserable, depressed. He wants to stick a gun in his mouth, but he walks into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, looking for some hope.
What do some of our meetings give him? Hi, I'm Paul. I'm an alcoholic.
Had a pretty good week. Uh my boss is kind of a dink and my wife doesn't understand me, but I'm glad to be sober and I'll pass with that. Are you kidding me?
Is that all you've got? Cuz I want you to know I've got something much more than that. I've got hope for you.
I've got experience. I was drunk for 25 years. I was a liar, a thief, and a drunk.
I wanted to stick a gun in my mouth, and somebody carried a clear message to me, a solution that never fails. I took it, and I'm not the same man today. I've been transformed from the inside out.
I've been catapult to the fourth dimension of existence. I have found much of heaven right here on earth. THAT'S MY THAT'S MY STORY.
I'm sticking to it. You walk into my meeting, you won't hear, miss, you won't hear about the divorce for the 14th time. I won't let you do it.
Shut up about the divorce. We'll talk about that before the meeting or after. We're in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous.
We're here to carry a message to an alcoholic who still suffers, not to make you feel better. Besides, you want to feel better? Help another alcoholic.
Then you'll feel better. Huh? I sat on a bar stool for 25 years and talked about my problems.
Guess what? They never went away. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, was taught the real deal.
I started talking about the solution and they all went away. I have found an answer to all my problems. all of them.
That's what the big book says and it's been the experience of my life. I don't have one problem today that I cannot find the answer to either by dropping my knees and asking God or going to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or talking to my sponsor. That's the truth.
Now, just about done. Blah blah blah. Okay, I'm going to wrap it up here.
I'm a God guy, okay? I'm not ashamed of it. I won't make excuses about it.
Not afraid of it. I'm a God guy. I believe in the power of a loving God.
That's Alcoholics Anonymous. God is mentioned over 200 times in this book. Why do I hear so many times in not here but in AA in general?
Oh, don't don't bring up God. We don't want him to feel uncomfortable. You talking about the guy that just finished his last bottle of vodka about stick a gun in his mouth.
You don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He already feels UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN HE WALKS IN OUR DOORS. HE'S LOOKING for some hope.
He's looking for an answer. Let's give him one, shouldn't we? Darn right we should.
Now, just about done hammering this. I hear this a lot in AA. You guys got to understand that for 20 years I walked in and out of AA and I never heard I only read the the steps off the wall.
I never heard that there were clear-cut directions. I never heard that there was a solution that never failed. I never heard that.
I heard about your ex-wife and I heard about your divorce problems and I I heard about the problems you're having at work, but I never heard the solution. Now, I don't blame you good meaning, well-intentioned people who were not told the correct the correct Alcoholics Anonymous. They were given a watered down version of what AA is.
But if you look at your big book, it doesn't look nothing like that. These cats did not get together once a week and talk about their problems. They got together once a week for one purpose.
That was to bring another member who was still suffering into that meeting so that they could help this man survive alcoholism. And this is why it's so important. We've got the only solution in the world that works.
Now, she mentioned it when she spoke. I'm going to tell you something. I could not find God in a church pew.
Some people can. We don't have the corner market on God. Some people find him in a church pew.
Some people find him in prison. Huh? Some people find him on a jail room floor.
I couldn't. I needed to find him in aa through these 12 steps. When I when I took these 12 steps, the miracle happened.
I moved towards him and he disclosed himself to me. The simple most important fact of my life today is that God has entered into me in a way that I could never have dreamed possible. That's the truth of what Alcohol Anonymous did for me.
Now, this thing about God, you know, honest to God, I've actually been in meetings where they've asked me not to talk about God. Don't we we don't talk about God in here? There's a a sign right on the wall.
What do you mean we don't talk about God in here? We don't want people to feel uncomfortable. No, you'll you'll you'll sit at a table with them.
You'll share a cup of coffee with them. You'll watch them die, but you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. We got to stop doing that.
Let's tell the truth. Here's what they did in early AA in 1939. If 100 men and women came into AA, 50 of them would leave because they couldn't handle the spiritual way of life.
50 that stayed recovered. The 50 that left, 25 of them would come back because alcohol, the great persuader, would persuade them that they had no other option. And they came back and grabbed on to what we had and they recovered.
That gave them a 75% success rate. You know what? You know what our success rate is worldwide and alcoholics on us today?
Somewhere between five and 10%. And that breaks my heart. There are so many alcoholics out there dying.
It's just pathetic. And we've got the only answer and the only solution. Clear-cut directions in the world that works.
We should be screaming it from the mountain tops. Now, I'm just about done. I promise you.
Got like two more things as we're sitting in our meetings. Now, treatment centers. I want to touch on this a second.
The land of 10,000 treatment centers in Minnesota. Right now, here's the problem. Treatment centers are great.
Don't get me wrong. I work at two of them. So, I'm not opposed to treatment centers.
In fact, I love them. You know why? Bunch of cats sitting in there.
They're suffering. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. They're looking for some hope.
You know what I do? I run in there and grab them. Hey, I'll be your sponsor.
Come on. I'm going to take you to an AA meeting. You know what I'm saying?
I ain't afraid to do that. I know I'm saving their lives, right? That's what I love about treatment centers.
It gives them a, you know what they used to do in 1939? They used to pick these guys up out of the gutter. They used to go to insane asylums and grab these guys.
They used to call hospitals and priests and try and find these guys. These were the lowbottom drunks of society. Society had given up on them and nearly all of them recovered by the simple program of the 12 steps.
They had a 75% success rate with the with the most horrific cases known to mankind. Why don't we have those successes today? I just suggest that we need to get back to what they were doing.
And I'll tell you what what my results have been. I sponsor between 20 and 30 men a year. I'm just going to hit this little thing on sponsorship and I'll quit.
The reason I can sponsor 20 to 30 men a year and work two jobs and have 50 to 60 speaking engagements a year is because I'm not your doctor. I'm not your lawyer. I'm not your marriage counselor.
Huh? That's called practicing medicine without a license. I'm not that.
I'm your sponsor. My only job is to get you through the steps to get you to God who can do for you what I can't do for you. If I couldn't save me, I guarantee I can't save you.
But I can get you to the one who can, and that's God through these 12 steps. That's my only job. Now, a couple things that we need to stop telling newcomers.
Oh, you got to be sober for a year before you can start sponsoring somebody. Would you stop saying that? It doesn't say that in the book.
Ebie Thatcher was two months sober when he carried a message to Bill Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson was six months sober when he carried a message to Dr. Bob Smith.
Dr. Bob Smith was 14 days sober when he carried a message to alcoholic number three. You know why these guys were staying sober?
They were working the 12 step. They were going out and helping drunks. Let these guys do that.
Will you get them through the steps? Now, the other thing that I'll say about sponsorship is stop telling these guys to take their time going through the steps. Easy does it.
Are you KIDDING ME? THEY'RE DYING. QUIT TELLING THEM EASY DOES IT.
BUT YOU TELL THEM TO take a year to go through these steps. 6 months they're out of here drinking because the obsession of mind has come back and it hasn't been removed yet. And you're saying, "Well, they must have not wanted it." No, you didn't offer it to them.
Give it to them. When I sponsor guys, if they're not through the 12 steps in two months, I'm stepping on their neck wanting to know where they suddenly got the power they never had. Huh?
And then guess what? When they're sober two months, there's four qualifying factors. had to have gone through all 12 steps, had a vital spiritual experience, had the obsession to drink removed, and live living life on a spiritual basis.
If you meet all four of those requirements, you are sponsoring somebody. If you're one of my sponsies, probably in about two months, you're sponsoring another man. Now, you can say, "Oh, Paul, you can't do that.
You'll kill somebody." No, I haven't killed anybody. Here's what I tell them. Keep your opinion out of it because that'll kill everybody.
It will. Stick to the 12 steps. Stick to what's in the front cover of page 164 and you can't hurt anybody.
And you wouldn't believe the success we've had. I I tell you right now, this is not made up. I sponsor 20 to 30 men a year.
I've sponsored over 100 men and over 75% of them have recovered and are sober, happy, joyous, and free. The same statistics they had in 1939. Now, is that cuz I'm real special?
I'd like to think so, but it's not. It's because I'm doing what they did. How many times do we read in our meetings, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path and then that's the last words you hear about that path.
Now we're going to have a feelings meeting or a topic meeting. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be and why? Are you flipping kidding me?
This guy over here just finished his last bottle of vodka. Thinks he's in an insane asylum. Okay, I'm just about done beating you up.
All right, guys. I'm going to say this. I get passionate about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I get passionate about getting back to these 12 steps because it saved my life. I'm a miracle standing here before you. And I do this out of love.
I told God if he could sober this mess up, I'd spend the rest of my life doing whatever he asked me to And what he's asked me to do is he he's asked me to sponsor men and to speak and to tell the truth in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's what I've been doing. I'm going to leave you with this.
I have three sons. All of them chemically dependent. Chip off the old block.
You know what I'm saying? Two of them are in recovery. One of them is not.
20 years from now if I'm not here and my son just finished his last bottle of vodka. His wife just left him and he hasn't seen his kids in weeks. He just lost his job.
He wants to stick a gun in his mouth and he walks into your AA meeting looking for some hope. What will he hear? Will he hear hope?
Will he hear there's clear-cut directions? Will he hear that there's a solution and he doesn't have to stick that gun in his mouth and he doesn't have to drink again? Please, I'm begging you.
If we don't get this thing turned around, he won't hear nothing like that. This thing needs to stick around. You know why?
How it needs to stick around? By us, one drunk at a time telling the truth, sponsoring men and women, and getting them to do this thing. This is the last thing I'll say.
You might say, "I'm just one person. I can't change anything. Nonsense.
God says that he has given us the power to help others. And here's what I did. I I I I proved that this can be done.
I moved up to Cambridge. I used to come over to my wife. She can attest to this.
Oh, these AA means suck. They're not doing real AA. And finally, she said to me, "Why don't you quit complaining and go do something about it?
Go do what you're supposed to be doing." First, I got angry because it hurt my pride and ego. But when I prayed about it, she was right. I went there and you know what I started doing?
I sp I started sponsoring one guy after another, one man at a time, telling him how to do this thing and then making him go out and get another guy and doing it. I used to go to other people's AA meetings and find the newcomers and I go up to him and say, "Do you have a sponsor?" "Nope." "Do you know you need one to be here?" "Nope." "Yeah, you do and I'm your sponsor. Did you know that?" "Uh, no." "Yeah, I'm your sponsor." "You got your big book?
Let's get going." And guess what? Sometimes they believe me and they actually do it and they recover. I'm not kidding you.
You can ask my wife and you can ask I got sponties in here that'll tell you that I do. You guys, we got to stop sitting at We say attraction rather than promotion. That's true.
But we can go out and get these cats. They're in the treatment centers all over the place. They're in halfway houses everywhere.
They're in detox ws everywhere. Let's stop sitting in our meetings hoping against hope that somebody that really wants it and really needs it will walk in and sit in our meeting where we got 100 people with 25 years of sobriety. Let's get out there and find these cats.
Tell them there's a solution that they don't have to live this way anymore. THAT WE'VE GOT THE ANSWER that never fails. Yeah.
That way someday when my son does finish his last bottle of vodka, he's got hope that any AA meeting he walks into, he'll find an answer. Uh I love you guys. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I love what this program and God has done in my life and I won't shut up about it and I thank you for your time.
>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.
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