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My name is Joe. I'm alcoholic. >> Friday, June the 5th of 94.

I'm as thankful as I know how to be for that today. You know, a lot of people start with their childhood and all that kind of thing and and uh I just don't because that's boring to me when people start that way. Uh other than to say I always say I come from a good family.

I I really did. My uh my folks raised a a preacher and a missionary and my sister is almost an angel and I was the only sorry one in the bunch, you know, and I kind of blazed the trail to hell and everybody else went the other way. They went to church.

Uh don't know how that happened. You know, the only thing I know about being alcoholic is the way I drink alcohol. And the only thing I know about staying sober is alcoholics anonymous.

It's that simple. Uh I'm going to share with you in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now. And I want to thank the committee for inviting me.

It's it's always an honor and a privilege to get to be asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh when you come from where I come from, to get to do anything, anything is just uh it's a miracle. It's an absolute miracle.

So, I'm going to get started with my favorite day of my life. If I was about 10 or 11 years old, I was walking home from school one day and a friend of mine, Jamie, said, "Uh, if we're going to be real men, we've got to dip Copenhagen snuff." And I said, "By God, you're right." And, uh, I got a big old dip in my mouth, made about three or four steps, and I've been doing it ever since. You know, got to his house later on that afternoon and he said, "If we're going to be real men, we've got to drink whiskey." And I said, "By God, you're right." And, uh, he poured he got this bottle of Jim Beam.

I'll never forget it as long as I live. if I can tell you everything I was wearing that day, everything that happened. Total recall of that day.

He poured a shot and I looked at it and never hadn't taken a drink in my life. I said, "You know what? That's not going to be enough." And uh that's the truth.

So, we got this plastic cup. We fill it about halfway up and I got that juice down the hole where it does the most good. And let me tell you, I felt just like a man ought to feel.

I wanted to go kill somebody, find me a girl, roll around in the hay, and fight, you know? And and uh I thought I have a ride. I have a ride.

And I thought to myself, I I'm going to do this every day. Every day for the rest of my life. I can't wait till I get grown.

I can get this done on a regular basis. Half my family is Irish Catholic and the other half is the Assembly of God, folks. So, I was confused and you can just tell from the start which side I fit in best with.

You know, uh uh I like the drinkers. So anyway, uh all my people are on my dad's side, which is the Catholic side, are up in Kansas City, and I was uh my first drunk was a whole lot like my last. Uh I was with all the people I wanted to be with, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, and I overshot the mark and got sent home the next day.

That's how that works. So we're up there and my cousin is on home leave from the Navy, and he said, "What would you like to drink?" And got this big old plastic cup and I said, "Man, just pour a little bit of everything in there." And he did. And God, it was wonderful.

The last thing I remember was passing out in the or making snow angels in the front yard, blacking out and passing out. You know, that's just how it went. Right after midnight mass, it was great.

Got got up the next morning, I was still drunk and nobody seemed to notice and and uh got back home and man, I just I was just looking forward to it. I grew up in a small town and I lived in Fort Worth for a long time and and they think anything east of 360 is East Texas. Kind of like y'all down here think everything north of 10 is is Yankeesville.

You know, kind of the same thing. I say I'm for me because it just makes sense cuz I talk so funny and and it just kind of explains it a little bit. But uh uh that's grew up in a small town and it's never hard to find somebody to buy you a little booze or somebody's always got an older brother or sister.

Somebody's house is fortified. I wasn't from a real drinking family so but I never had a problem getting a hold of alcohol and from the beginning it seemed like I had a great capacity for it. It seemed like, you know, we'd get a 12-pack of beer with the with my buddies and and they'd have about two or three and they'd talk about getting buzzed.

You know, I have never been buzzed in my life. I am either sober or insanely drunk. There is no in between.

When I read about social drinking in the book, I think, who are they talking about? You know, I never did any of that. Uh, so things kind of rocked along.

I started getting in trouble real early. Uh, I I was I was bad about getting MIP. I relate a lot to Mike, what he was talking about.

He never got DUI. I never got DUIs either. I never had a car.

I had one once for a while, but I lost it. And uh anyway, so I was always getting in trouble. I started dating the Justice of the Peace daughter, you know.

I thought, man, that that'll keep me out of a little trouble. Later on, I had to move up to the DA's daughter and and uh eventually had to marry her, but uh that's way later on in the story, but things are rocking along and I I'm the kind of guy I wasn't afraid of anything. I just was not afraid of anything.

And I don't know why. I really should have been. I did a lot of dumb things.

I ran off to Mexico one time. I was about 15 and I called my folks from the border and told them I'd be back directly and it was about a month or so later. Worst beating I ever got, but it's best time I ever had.

You know, it was just a it was a ball. And you know, what are you going to do? I I mean, I was out of control long before we ever had that first talk.

But my folks had gone on a vacation and they were uh dim enough to let me stay at home by myself. I had a little old preacher brother with me and they sent sister off to grandma and our house was not very big y'all. I mean, not very big at all.

And I had about 150 of my best friends in there and we broke every bit of furniture in the house, you know, and just one of those one of those great parties. Kind of like an animal house kind of deal. And I'll never forget the look on my folks face when they walked in the door and and and they're asking what happened.

I said, you know, we've been here for about 11 years and I just felt like we need to rearrange a little bit. Uh that's that's when mom brought the first faith healer home. And uh uh we'd also his son was with us that evening and we did what you're supposed to do.

We dropped him off on the on the front yard and ring the doorbell and all that kind of good stuff. And so preacher come over and and and he's he's giving me the talk. He's giving me the talk and and he's laying hands on me and he's speaking in tongues and he's trying to cast that alcohol demon out of me.

And uh he says, "Boy, do you realize that you are going to hell?" And I looked him dead in the eyes and I said, "Yes, sir, I do. And I plan on taking as many of you as I can with you." And uh and that healing stopped. He just left.

He just left. He just left. Things kind of rocked along and I'm doing what I do and I eventually wind up down at the park.

Uh and the park in my my hometown is kind of like a lot of East Texas towns. It's just it's just the way it is. It ain't right.

It just ain't right. But it's a segregated place, you know. Everybody has their place.

And and and I just I fit wherever there was a lot of drinking going on. I showed up down there one night and my best friend would become my best friend in the world. His name was Ron Dale.

He was the most crosseyed man I've ever met in my life. One eye went that way, the other one went that way. And whenever we play basketball, the goal's in front of you.

And he's looking like this. He never missed, man. He could have been the next Michael Jordan.

But uh the bull got a hold of him, too, you know. And uh the lady last night was talking about Wild Irish Rose. I love people that drink Wild Irish Rose.

the best stuff you ever hadn't seen a fruit one squos in it, you know, and it just tastes just like whiskey. I just fell in love with it. Best thing ever happened to me.

So, I'd stay down there for a few months and, you know, my brother could could get away from the house for, you know, 24 hours and my folks would go running around looking for them. I'd be gone for 3 weeks. Nobody ever looked for me.

That still bothers me. You know what I mean? I didn't want to be found, but but I I was worth looking for, I thought.

You know, so I've been down there for a few months and and things have have just I am just drinking constantly. I'm drinking constantly. Mom had already had that talk with me, one of them crying, sobbing stories.

Oh baby, please don't let it control you. You control it. And by the time that had come around, I'd long since overshot that mark.

There was nothing I could do about it. Uh she had found me one afternoon and said, "Boy, you have become notorious." And mom can say that with about 47 syllables in it and every one of them hit you in the mouth, you know, and it's just it's awful. She said, "You're going to Houston." That's where my dad my dad lived.

And uh he is at least a heavy drinker. I don't know whether he's alcoholic or not. That's his business.

But uh we lived in a wonderful part of town. It's right off of Hammerly, right behind De's Pit Stop at the time. And uh that is the most wonderful bar you've ever met in your life.

Some of these guys know what I'm talking about. But uh she sent me down there because she thought if if I was living with my dad and saw what alcoholism was like, I might want to stop. What she didn't know is that I she thought she was sending me to the worst place I could be, but it was just like heaven.

Man, I made some of the best friends I ever met in my life. My best friend when I moved down here, his name was Charlie. Charlie lived in the dumpster next to the bar.

He never he never ate. He never bathed. He never did any of that.

And everybody bought his beer. And I thought, you know, growing up, my favorite movies are them country and western movies. Those old drunks, they never have to eat or bathe.

and everybody feeds them booze and that's what I wanted to be when I grew up. You know, Charlie was kind of like uh Bill W's dog girl on the tombstone. He died before the end of the summer of acute alcoholism.

He drank himself to death and uh I might should have taken a little heed to that, but I didn't. And that's just the way that goes. Uh me and my dad, we didn't get along too good.

I didn't get along too good with anybody. And uh he tried to cut me off at the bar one evening and we got in a big to-do and uh I gonna stab and put him out of his misery and he gonna beat the crap out of me and and something happened that night and neither one of us got killed and that was good cuz cuz it was going to happen and uh he I'd only been here for a couple months. He decided it was time for me to go back already.

A couple of significant things happened to me at De's Pit Stop. It was a a guy there named Hacksaw. And I remember walking in to the bar one day and uh I used to back when I was a kid, all I cared about was fighting football and another word that starts with F that I'm not going to say, but you can figure it out, I would imagine.

And uh anyway, my dad always had a a Coors Light and a Bourbon Press waiting for me when I got to the bar after I got off work. And I told him, I said, "Well, you know, today I don't think I want one. I think I'm going to go uh to the gym and work out a little bit cuz the most important thing in my life was playing ball.

That was it. That's what I live for. I live for that and whiskey.

But uh I told my dad no and and Hacksaw said, "Boy, I admire you. You have willpower." And I thought about that. I thought, you know what?

He's right. I could probably have a beer and then go on about my business and you know the rest of the story. I didn't leave the bar the rest of that night or the rest of the summer.

And that's just the way it went. That's just the way it went. had that big to-do.

He sent me back home. And over the summer, I'd worked long enough to uh save up a little money and buy bought a car. 87 Camaro.

It was beautiful. The most most fun thing I ever had. And I made a decision when I was on my way back from Houston that until football season was over with, I was not ever going to take another drink.

I wasn't going to do it. I didn't tell anybody this. I just told myself.

And uh so I stopped to get a 12-pack for the ride home. I meant when I got back to to town and I got to that I got to that four-way stop and if I gone right it was to the girlfriend's house. If I gone left it was to the liquor store.

So I just went left and I went right. You know that that that deal about not drinking lasted about 5 minutes. You know about 5 minutes.

And uh got started got to rocking and rolling and and I got hurt really early on in the season. And I wound up separating my shoulder many, many times. And I got to where my arm would just fall out and losing sensation and feeling in my hands.

And and I was 17. So my folks signed this deal and the doctor signed this deal and I couldn't play ball no more. And as far as I was concerned, life was over with.

That was it. I am done. I am through.

Uh there's no point in living. And I began a real serious attempt at trying to drink myself to death. That's what I was trying to do.

We uh I was already, you know, they had kicked me out of the house not long after that or not long before that. You know, it was just it was one of those things. They had rules like one of their rules was you can't drink and stay here.

Well, I had to drink. I had to drink every day. I had to drink every day.

I'd gotten to the point where at that period of time, I was uh not welcome anywhere because everybody had rules. Most of them had to do with not drinking. And I started staying in this shed next to a friend of mine's house.

I stayed there for a good long while. A good long while I was drinking. A good long while after I got sober.

Uh I didn't need to have to be homeless. And you're never really homeless in a small town. Y'all know how that goes.

You you can always couch crash or something like that. But but that's just where I was. I would rather be that away.

I just would. Um I'll never forget walking home one day and and uh walking through the street and and my folks were standing out in the front yard and they're asking, "Boy, where's that car?" Said, "Man, I have no idea. I lost it.

I I still got the keys entitled to it, but I can't find it. I'm sure it's in some pasture somewhere, rotten today, you know, and and that's just those are the kind of things that happen on a real regular basis. Uh I was passed out in my front yard one morning.

It was long about December, right before Christmas, and I got 12step by my neighbor. The old fashioned way. A lot of folks say you don't talk to a drunk when they're drinking.

Well, had they waited for me to sober up, I never would have found this place. He'd come over. It was about 2 or 3 in the morning or something like that and he hit me on the head and he said, "Boy, I don't know but you might have a slight drinking problem." And he said, "Uh, maybe you ought to read this book." And he gave me my first copy, The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

And just at that time, my very best friend in the world got sent off to a Gooni Roost. Uh, cuz he was bad about doing that that dope and all that stuff and drinking too much. And they sent him off.

And I thought, man, I needed a break. I'd gone from 215 lbs down to about 160 155 in a short period of time. And it was it I was at my whiskey weight like Mike was talking about last night.

Just at my whiskey weight. And and I was I'm telling y'all, all I wanted to do was die. All I wanted to do was die.

So they took me to the meetings and I'm going to tell you exactly what I thought at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I looked around the room and they had all them signs hanging on the wall and everybody was so old and to me it looked just like a geriatric kindergarten, you know, and I thought, I'm 17 years old at the time and the youngest guy there is 30, you know, that's that's double my age. I thought, my god, if I ever got that old, I'd quit drinking, too.

You know, so I poked along. I visited for about 30 days. I get a desire chip every day.

I drink every day. You know how that goes. I go to school, pass them out like show and tell, you know, and everybody just thought it was so wonderful, somebody going to AA.

Uh, after about 30 days, they had enough of me. And that's no joke. I because I I did a research paper one time.

I I knew there was something wrong with me. I I figured out why I was alcoholic. I inherited it or something, you know?

I could tell you the chromosome number and color and all that neat scientific stuff. And I just tell them all about it and they didn't care. You know how they are.

Sit down. Shut up, boy. They uh uh they didn't they didn't want to know anything about it.

So one one evening after a meeting they had had their feel and about four or five of them were standing on the porch and they said they said boy what you need to do is go s go try some control drinking. I said man that sounds wonderful. What is it?

And uh uh they said well it's on page 31 but since you probably can't read we're just going to tell you. And uh so they told me and my buddies rolled by and I I I jumped in the back of the truck went to that old party and I did what they said to do. I had about six beers, two shots, and when you were drinking the way I was drinking, that didn't do nothing for you.

The next day, I got up, had a few more, just absolutely miserable. And on Sunday, you know what I said? The heck with it.

And I started drinking like I like to drink. And uh that that began a six-month period of just only way I know to describe it isolic drinking. I have no idea what happened, where I was, what was going on or anything like that.

I have no idea. Couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you where I was, who I was with, nor did I care.

And that was the thing. I just didn't care anymore. I just didn't care.

Uh, a lot of bad things were happening. I mean, if it could have got worse, it didn't. Everything Everything I ever said I was never going to do happened in that period of time.

I had stopped by the house one evening and I needed to pick up some money and uh stop well steal some money from my brother is what I was doing. And uh and uh uh mom standing in front of the door trying to block it, keep me from getting out. And uh uh she's just begging and crying, "Baby, please stay here.

Please stay here." And what do you do when your mama is standing in front of you begging you and crying you to crying, telling you to stay? You just throw her out of the way. That's what I did when I drank.

That's what I did. And you go on about your business. And uh I'll never forget that day.

I'll never forget a lot of days, but there's a whole lot of stuff like that that went on. We got this big senior trip planned to Port Mexico. In my graduating class, there were 106 of us, you know, and that's not very big.

Everybody knew everybody first, last name. We known each other our whole lives, and that's just kind of the way it was. And and uh I'd made I'd said a prayer before I left that last meeting where they told me about control drinking.

I believe it was the most sincere prayer I ever said in my life. I said, "God, either let me die or make me want to have what these people have." That was it. That's what I wanted.

And uh we're out doing what you do when you're from the country. got drinking with one of my coaches and we picked up a bunch of pretty girls and we're on these back roads and and uh we're swerving and ducking and dodging and and we're in this brand new 1994 Pathfinder and it starts to roll. And when it starts to roll, the thought that goes through my mind is thank God it's over.

Thank God it's over. And and I wasn't dead, you know, obviously. And I was disappointed.

I was disappointed. And I thought to myself, this is my sign from God. This is it.

I will never drink again as long as I live. We got everybody back to town and within 15 minutes we were out there getting all the bottles that hadn't broken and the cans that hadn't busted. And I finished that drunk just like you're supposed to.

Uh I was bad about not being where I was supposed to be like school. They expect you there on a regular basis. I I didn't do that.

Uh my mom was there one morning. She said, "Boy, I'm here about your attendance. How many days you think you missed?" I said, "Well, probably about 10 or 11." And we got to the office was more like 43.

And that's that's not good because that's like half of the deal, you know, and you're not going to get to graduate. They work something out where I'd had to go to detentions like before and after school every day on Saturday and go out to the vice principal's house on Sunday and bail hay and do those kind of things. That's just the way it works.

By the time I was 15, I'm going to slide back a little bit. Like I said, I was going to the justice of the peace on a regular basis. And and and he called me the town drunk, and I was so proud.

And uh he he he he taught me how to get around all that stuff. He said, "God, boy, would you just put all that stuff in a suitcase, go to one pasture and stay all night, you know, cuz that's where you drink when you're from the country in the pasture. There's no bars or any of that kind of stuff.

And just go out there and raise cane, burn stuff down. It's wonderful, you know." And we did it real good. We did it real good.

Everybody in town knew what happened by the time I woke up the next morning. That was one of the other deals. I had to go set up the whole deal for graduation and stuff like that.

And people are asking me, "What happened, Joe? Are you okay? what's going on?

I didn't remember a thing. They took me by the car later on that that uh afternoon and I just couldn't believe anybody survived that wreck. I really couldn't.

I really couldn't. It was amazing. And every one of us walked away.

Every one of us walked away. We got uh got through that deal, got my little diploma and all that stuff and I got on a good run of drunk. I wound up somewhere down in Corpus Christie or Robstown or something like that.

I I vaguely remember being at a kineta or some big Mexican party and it was great, man, cuz they had tons of tequila and tons of rum and it just couldn't have been any better. I fit right in. Fit right in.

We had a few days left before uh we were supposed to get on that flight. And every bit of money I'd gotten for graduation, everything else was gone. And and by the time it was time to make that trip to the airport, I remember why I had this, I have no idea.

Might have been some women involved, but I had this box of wine and uh it was about empty. I mean, you know how that stuff is. You got to rip the box apart.

And on the way to the airport, I'm squeezing on that bladder, pulling on that that little deal, trying to get that last little drop out because I was afraid they weren't going to serve me on the airplane. And that was true. When we got there, my mom was there, girlfriend was there, her mom, everybody I knew in this God's world was there.

And everybody was, well, my mom and her mom and her, everybody was crying. Joe, please don't drink. Please don't drink till the last day.

Please, please, please, baby, don't do it. Don't do it. All right, I won't do it.

But I fell in love. There was this girl that I believe believe she danced for a living. Uh, and I fell in love right away with her and her friend and that's just my kind of deal.

So I left the girlfriend, everything else, I'm running around trying to do what I need to do. And and we get down to this resort thing. Uh, I remember trying to sign in.

They wouldn't let me drink on the plane and I was right. I started going getting into them bad shakes and I was shaking so bad I couldn't sign my name on a little piece of paper. My buddies are holding my hand.

They're saying, "Joe, you got to stop drinking, man." And uh this orientation deal lasted about 15 minutes. I was good for two and went to the bar and the first thing I did was order a glass of tequila. Then I asked for some rum.

And when I drink rum, things get stupid in a hurry. I mean, real stupid. You know, where I grew up, there's lots of trees and you can kind of go to the bathroom everywhere you want to go.

In Mexico, they're a little bit smaller. And uh well I was using one and uh I missed and I hit somebody's table while they were eating and that didn't go over so well and then uh I guess I had to go again real soon so I just used the pool and uh that didn't go over real well either and a little bartender cut me off. I got angry so I tried to beat him to death with a bar stool and uh uh they locked me up in the room.

They thought maybe I need to take a break. maybe if uh I get a little sleep, it might might wear off a little bit. And later on that afternoon, the sleep wasn't helping none.

They brought me back down and thought if I get some food in my stomach, I might sober up a little bit. And uh that's when I saw my opportunity. I was going to kill myself.

So I grabbed somebody's drink as I'm making my way out to the ocean and I'm just going to drown myself out there. And I got about 4 or 500 yds out and the water never got above my chest. And uh my buddies are chasing after me and they're dragging me back into shore.

And just in case you're want to kill yourself in Mexico, don't do it in public. It's against the law. I know that because the federalis were passing by and they were ready to take me in.

And uh they convinced them to let me just go back to the room and I'm standing there screaming and yelling and cussing at them telling them to go back their own country and leave me alone. And don't they know who I am? Having no idea where I'm at.

And and uh I have another opportunity. I'm going to I'm going to jump off the balcony and get to town. And I would have made it had I opened the sliding glass door, but I didn't.

It was place of glass. That that knocked me down for a bit. Uh, and that was good.

And I come to and I was in the best fight I'd ever seen in my life. Everybody just beating the crap out of me and looked like they were having fun. I wasn't.

Uh, I was under room arrest, you know, but the guards give up later on into the evening. I made my way to them girls, see what I could do with that and find me some more whiskey. And uh I remember coming to the next morning because that's what I'd been doing for a long time.

I'd been shaking awake at about four or 5:30 just having to take another drink. And that's what happened one more time and I couldn't I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it.

And uh I got down to to the main floor and they had a a little bus waiting for me and a couple of police cars and they were I was being deported from Mexico for Christ's sake. How do you get thrown out of Mexico? You know, that's hard to explain.

So, you know, you get on the bus and you get going. And uh got to the airport. I tried to make it to the bar and uh that didn't work out so good.

And I saw the biggest man, the biggest biggest man any shape, form you've ever seen. He was my uh bodyguard and uh bigger three times bigger than Bobby. And that's pretty big.

And uh anyway, they they take me out to the plane on my very own bus, one more little bus by myself. And I got my bodyguard and he's sitting next to me on the plane. And all these important people are are loading me up, shipping me out.

And uh this poor old woman sitting next to me on the on the plane ride back and and I know I just reap cuz I hadn't bathed in days and I'd been hard drinking like I like to drink and and uh I remember just crying. Just crying. Every time I asked for help, it was always a stipulation to it.

That evening, there was no stipulation. Or that morning, I just said, "God, help." And that's all I could get out of my mouth. God help.

Didn't know what to do. Got back to the airport, my mom standing there crying one more time. My stepdad standing there laughing.

He's a big shot administrator at one of the oldest uh treatment centers in Dallas at the time. And he asked me a real important question. One of the one thing I got to say this uh the one of the guys that kind of headed up the trip and a couple of the chaperon people were asking me right before they sent me off.

They said, "Joe, why do you drink like you drink? Why do you do this? Why do you always do this?" I told the absolute truth that morning.

It was the first time probably last time I've ever told the absolute truth in my life. I said, "You know, I don't know why I do what I do." And that wasn't a sufficient answer for a a non-alcoholic. They don't understand that.

You can come in here and say, "I don't know." And we all get it. We know you don't know why you do what you do. They want answers.

You know, like who, what, when, where, why. That those are just lie questions. You know, if you ask me, I'm just going to lie to you.

Just for the principle of the thing, like where you been, who you been with, what's I don't know. You know, what do you want to hear? You know what I mean?

What's going to make you feel better about all of it? So, uh, that's what I'm going to tell you. Get back.

My dad says, "Well, what do you think we ought to do with you?" I said, "Uh, well, you can take me to jail. I know I got warrants out some kind of place. Or or maybe we can go to that treatment center you work at." And he looked me dead in the eyes.

He said, "Boy, you ain't worth the money." And uh uh uh I said, "Well, what about AA?" He said, "That's best idea you've ever had." And uh so they did a little roll and stop at the meeting, dropped me off, and when uh uh they said, "Don't bother coming home." And I said, "Don't worry, I ain't." and uh walked through the glass door and and the the lady was sitting there. Her granddaughter was in my graduating class and the whole room just busted out laughing cuz they knew where I was supposed to be. And I just blubbering and whining and crying.

Didn't know what to do. And I I didn't pick up a desire chip that night. They stuffed me full of a lot of cigarettes.

Nobody offered me a ride anywhere home or anything like that. They just turned me a loose when the meeting was over with cuz they didn't like me very much. And I don't blame them.

Uh, I had a tough decision to make. I didn't know what to do. And uh, I walked by the liquor store and it just happened to be a Sunday.

It was closed. I couldn't get nothing. So, I walked around town all day.

And one of the gifts I'd received for graduation was roundtrip tickets anywhere I wanted to go. So, I flew to Houston. I figured if anybody could help me out, maybe my dad could because I wanted I wasn't wanted where I was at and I just needed to get gone.

I do that a lot. When I ain't wanted where I'm at, I just get gone. Sometimes I just get gone because I need to.

I kind of I like to run a lot and that ain't so good. I I best lesson I ever learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is sometimes it's just best stand up and be counted and that's okay. That's okay.

That's the greatest lesson I've ever learned here. A lot about becoming a man. But uh anyway, made my trip down to Houston.

I knew he'd help me get off a drunk and he did. fed fed me a lot of orange juice and honey and stuff like that. And I shook it out for a good three days.

And every time I laid down in this little old old bed, you know, it's it's a drunk house and and uh there ain't no furniture. There's just beds set up everywhere. And and uh I remember every time I'd lay down, I felt like I was falling into hell and the walls and the ceilings was shaking and moving on me and stuff was crawling out of the carpet and I was having my my first real good shot at DTS.

It was great. Uh you know, a free trip, I guess. I don't know what to tell you.

He had this little little bottle of tequila on the wall. Uh it said break in case of an emergency. It was enclosed in glass.

And I studied that thing for 3 hours trying to figure out is this an emergency or not? You know, you know, wound up not drinking it. Called my folks said, "Hey, look, can I come back to Kaufman?" And and cuz I didn't know that AA was anywhere but in Kaufman in Dallas, Texas.

I thought that's the only place that existed. And uh uh I needed to get back. I needed to get back there.

They said, "You can come back to town, but you can't come home." And I said, "That's fine. started going to meetings on a regular basis and and the first night I was back they took me into the back room and if you're getting took to the back room you're you're going to a good place if you're ready to stop drinking and they give me that talk about four or five of them they said here there are going to be some conditions for you here and one condition is you cannot say anything until we ask you to and uh I said okay I said okay they said uh you're going to have a case of sugar diabetes what you need to do is keep you some candy and something sweet around and have you something to get you through the shake cuz I shook awful bad for a long time. It was a good 6 months before I could hold a full cup of coffee without spilling it.

And they said, "You're going to get a sponsor." And they gave me a sponsor. His name was Head. Head was a real hillbilly.

Had hair way down past his neck, you know, and he quit school in the sixth grade. And he only had about nine months at the time, but they figured if he wor there was no way I was going to stay sober, but if he worked with me, it might help him out. And that's how that whole deal worked.

It worked out real good cuz uh Headed didn't know nothing. You know, we just got started on the book and he didn't read so well. So, what we would do to work the steps is get together and I'd tell him what the big words meant.

He'd tell me what to do and we started right at that front blank page, you know, and there it wasn't like it kind of is in some of the big cities where they talk about working a step a month or a step a year or anything like that. If you're well enough to stop shaking and you can read the book, you're ready to start working the steps. That's just way felt about it.

They said all we had to offer in Alcoholics Anonymous was a spiritual experience and the only way they knew to produce that was with the steps. So you get started right away. We got going, you know, we got going.

We got to work on it and a little bit of time had passed and things were kind of going good and I was out at his house. How you trying to get me on the third step and I was trying to do it by myself. I kept coming back and tell him, you know, nothing's happening.

I I thought something big was supposed to happen. And so we're out of his place one day and before things had really gotten good at his life, he lived in this old 70 trailer he built five extra rooms onto, you know, and every broke down vehicle he ever had. And it was just the way it ought to be.

Broke down horse and and we're pitching horseshoes and we go over to the butane tank. That's where the tea is. He said, "Boy, get on your knees." I said, "I didn't sign up for nothing like this." And that's exactly what I said.

Now he got on his too, thank God. and and he reached under he reached under that butane tank and he pulled out a big book and he had it planned out you know and uh he said uh look at here God he he told me he said we're we're fixing to do this Thursday he said look at here God Smokeoky Joe's fixing to turn his will life over to you so watch out and he said boy read that prayer I read that prayer I'm going to tell you something happened that day I by the time I was finished I felt like if I turned around Jesus Muhammad Buddha or somebody would have been standing right behind me. Something something happened that day.

Something something changed. And immediately after getting up, he said, "Boy, you need to go home and do that forep right now." Well, you know how that goes. You You get flushed that old spiritual enema.

You ain't ready to do nothing. I'm I'm hanging out for two weeks. I'm sitting on the back table by the at the back door and he said, "You got that fourstep done yet?" I said, "No, sir." I was real arrogant, kind of like I am now, maybe a little worse.

Uh, I said, "Hey, I don't think I want to know everything there is to know about me just yet." And so he grabbed me by the arm, threw me in his pickup truck, and we went down to the liquor store. Walked inside, he got a fifth of Jack Daniels, came back out, set it in my lap. He said, "Well, the problem is, boy, you hadn't had enough to drink yet.

Why don't you just get with it?" I said, "I'll have it done Sunday." That was Friday night. Wrote it, got it done. I was out at his place doing my best shot at a at a fourth and fifth step.

And I'm going to tell you something. I did the very best I could do at the time. That's the God's honest truth.

Was everything on there? No, it wasn't. I made a fatal mistake, though.

Almost a fatal mistake. I willfully withheld one piece of information. One thing I was never going to tell another human being as long as I lived.

It was going to be many, many more years before I ever talked about any of that stuff. And it was no big deal. You know, it was just one of those things I was just going to go to my grave with.

I just was. Things rocked along. My life is getting good.

you know, I wind up I started out working uh for this gentleman. He had a detail shop. Started working for him, you know, for cigarettes and food.

That's how I got started. They helped me get a little job at a construction company and all that kind of good stuff. And I I was a I was I say construction, I was a laborer.

I cleaned and swept. That's what I did. And eventually eventually things moved on.

I got a job working on a drilling rig, uh taking soil samples, going everywhere. And I got to go all over the Midwest and all this kind of stuff. And man, it was wonderful.

I got to make meetings everywhere. And I I got to find out how big AA was and it wasn't a town I went to that I didn't catch a meeting. I called 911 at one place, got the police, showed up and everything and they thought I was drunk.

I said, "No, no, no. I just need to find the AA." And so they took me. It was great.

It was great. Only call they ever had like that. They said the only free ride I ever had in a black police car, too, you know.

But it was cool. It was cool. Met a guy at that meeting.

Uh his god was a cricket. He kept it in his pocket in a plastic bag. You know that that was God as he understood him.

And it worked. You know, he was sober. He all kinds of nuts in AA.

I know I'm one of them. I'm dying to go back to see if the dude's still sober. You know what I mean?

Anybody going text away, let me know. I'm riding. You know, things are things are going good.

Uh, for the first three or four months, all I wore to the meetings were cut off shorts, no shirts, no shoes, no none of that. That's no joke. And they kept inviting me back.

And they gave me a key. They gave me a key after I had two months. And I was so proud of that.

You know, I still don't even have a key to my mother's house. And it's been almost 12 years since I've had a drink. At the last birthday, I said, "Mom, can I have a key?" She said, "Oh, baby, I don't know.

I'm going to have to pray about it a little bit. I know what Jesus is going to say. Lord, things are going good.

I got this job. I bought me this little bitty old pickup truck and I'm I'm 18 now. Got from the 17 to 18 and and uh I was driving home from school this brand new 1994 black Ford Ranger.

It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever had in my life. Only thing I'd ever had in my life. I was coming home.

I trying to make a quick trip back from Oklahoma City and was coming into town and there was a huge harvest moon. This is about 10 months into it. This huge harvest moon sitting over the treeine and it dawned on me for the first time I had gone the entire day without thinking about drinking because early on no matter what I did, I wanted to drink every single day and the only hour of peace I had was in the AA meeting.

It's the only time my mind stopped. The rest of the time I just wanted to drink. I was doing everything I was supposed to do is giving it my best shot.

And uh uh but that's what happened. And the next thought that came to my mind was, "God, I'm old. I don't drink.

I ain't got nothing going on. What I need to do is get married." And uh cuz my wife's over, might as well do that, too. She wanted to first wife wanted to go to school to be a court reporter and all that kind of stuff.

Her folks would pay for her to go to college and and but they wouldn't support her in doing that. So I wasn't making any money. She wasn't either.

figured you would get a bunch of financial aid and that worked out pretty good for her. Uh and she, you know, she went to school to come reporter and we moved to Fort Worth, moved to the big city. And I'll never forget moving up there.

I was driving down Lamar Street and there were these two blondes in a in a car next to me and they're both smiling. I thought, God, the city life is going to be good for me, you know. And uh then it kind of dawned on me.

I you know, I had everything in the back of a trailer and all in my truck and my rocking chair was tied to the top. I look just like the Beverly Hillbillies coming to town. They wasn't smiling at me.

They laughing at me, you know. Or I sobered up. All these meetings are closed.

There's all closed meetings. We got one open meeting a month. Everything comes out of literature.

There is no open discussion. You know, it's not me. No meetings start with I'm having a bad day.

You know, we just don't talk about that stuff. It comes out of the literature. It's just the way it was.

So, I thought everywhere in AA was really kind of like that. and I moved to this to the city and I make this meeting. Uh I I say it when I'm there.

It's the primary purpose group in Arlington and they were talking about their inner child. Now, we had this one one guy come in. He was going to therapy and I've got nothing against therapy.

It's a wonderful thing. You need to go, you need to go. The book talks about all that outside professional help.

However, inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's no help to us. But he had come in with a teddy bear and we were all asking him, "Why you got that teddy bear?" My therapist said, "I need to work on my inner child." And Ken was a big big guy. and he was bald, looked just like Mr.

Clean. He said, "No, let me tell you what we're going to do with that teddy bear." And he ripped it in half, ripped the head off through it in the trash. He says, "What you need to work on is the so you are right now, and all you need to know about your inner child is it needs this butt whooped." So, I think that's how that's how you handle business when people talk about that.

I'm at this meeting, I stand up and start doing that. And uh that don't go over very well. They don't appreciate that kind of stuff.

So, now I'm living in Fort Worth. I'm having to drive all the way back every day to catch a meeting. And I finally asked this guy, "Is there any real AA in Fort Worth?" He says, "Yeah, there is.

There's this place called the Metabrook Group, and you need to go find one or two people, a gentleman by the name of Jack H or Jim S?" I met Jim S the first night. Uh he was a real good guy. He was kind of like grandpa except with about 30 years.

Real steady steady guy. Just just a just a good person. Kind of people that make you sick in aa they come here and you think, man, how' they how'd that person ever take a drink?

You just don't believe it. Then I met Jack. Jack's a little bit different.

He kind of shady and shifty and ain't my kind of guy, you know. And you know, so I I asked him one evening after the meeting. I said, "Will you be my sponsor?" And he said, "Absolutely not." He said, "Uh, I don't sponsor dopeheads." I said, "I have never done any of that stuff in my life." I said, "I am a whiskey drinker." He goes, "God, you're young." And and and he's like 64 or something at the time.

And he kept saying no. And I said, "Well, look, I've been deport I've been thrown out of an entire country." And he got quiet for a second. He said, "Well, I've never sponsored anybody.

Got thrown out of a country, son. I'll take you." And uh that's how that deal worked out. We got talking about them full moons and them girls.

And you know what? There was no difference between him and me. No difference between him and me.

A lot of people say, "Oh, well, you can have a great impact on young people because they can relate and all that kind of stuff." That may be true, may not. I kind of don't believe so. I kind of believe if you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic.

I think if you can identify with the first 164 pages, you can identify with anybody in this room. And that's what it's really about. It don't matter about the age, don't matter about the color, don't matter about no orientation like Hall likes to talk about all the time.

You know, none of that stuff matters. It just don't matter. What do you want to do about stopping drinking?

That's the deal. And if you're willing to do the work, you you'll get the results. Things worked out real good.

I, like I said, I was married at this point, but I was uh I was married when I went home, if you know what I mean. And and and whenever uh uh I would leave the house, I'd take my little old ring off and all that kind of stuff and try to work them groups and and sponsor found out about that. And so he announced to everybody I was married.

And uh right before I made a talk one evening and then and then he said that my wife had to go to Alanon. I said, "Oh no. Uh-uh.

I've got her trained just right." You know, she gets up in the morning, cooks breakfast, irons my clothes, does all that kind of stuff. just like a good East Texas woman is supposed to do. And uh I don't want this to change.

Well, it changed rapidly after about two meetings. My life got on a total different basis. She uh she had to get up real early.

Like I said, by this time I'd gotten in the insurance business and that was real good because I was good about, you know, all you got to do to do that is take their money and promise to give them something later when they're dead. That's wonderful. You know, I can do that.

I can do that kind of thing. We're good at that. You're calling anybody, you know.

So, I'm doing this kind of gig now and everything's going pretty good. And anyway, this button had fallen off top of my shirt and it wasn't ironed or pressed or anything. And she's heading out the door.

I said, "Whoa, where are you going? You need to fix this button and iron this shirt." And uh she gave me a a one-finger salute from the middle, signifying how number one I was, and said that she would never iron or touch a piece of my clothes as long as I lived. And the rest of the time we were married, she didn't.

But, uh, it things improved after that, actually. Uh, I kind of started having to treat her like an equal and and uh uh you know that that helps the marriage relations. I don't mind telling you.

Things rocked along pretty good uh for a while. Like I said, I I couldn't I had this just weward eye and I I acted on it from time to time and and eventually I got caught. I was uh this how I met all these people from Houston.

I was at a state convention uh and a gentleman came up said he wanted me to meet his daughter and all that kind of deal and I I'm happy to oblige him and and things happened and uh uh well my wife found out about me staying over someplace I shouldn't have been doing some stuff I shouldn't have been doing and and uh that kind of blew the deal and uh I wasn't I'm not proud of any of that. It's just you know it's uh it's the truth. It's just the truth.

I I could not act right. would not act right. So, she packs everything up and leaves like she's supposed to.

There was no reconciliation. There was no trying. There was no nothing.

And uh that's just the way it went. That's the way it went. I I got to do uh the right thing against my own will.

See, my sponsor sponsored me. His wife sponsored her. So, everybody knew my business, man.

I couldn't keep nothing quiet. And that's never good. That's never good.

But I got to do the right thing and that that deal got to be settled a little bit. But that began about a 2 and 1/2 year running dry drunk. The only thing I didn't do for the next 2 and 1/2 years was drink.

I began living that double life like the book talks about. I was doing what I wanted to do. I'd go to the I was two-steping.

I was doing step one and step 12. I believed I was powerless over alcohol and I'd help anybody else get out from under, but I wasn't working anything in the middle, you know, the meat. Uh so it it makes it makes life difficult.

Got back on my feet. everything's going okay and I'm at my my new place and I've got furniture again and all that kind of stuff. Sister comes over to have some coffee and we're going to talk and she said she said, "Bubba, how long you been drinking?" I said, "What are you talking about?" She said, "There's no way anybody can be living the way you've been living and not be drinking." I said, "No, I haven't had a drink." And the heat was on.

See, if my sister ain't real bright, but if she knows what's going on, everybody else must, too. So, I got to go. I got to get out of town.

And I and I split. I split. had opportunity to come to Houston, getting been in the carpet business for a long time, selling to apartments and all that good stuff.

And that was great because, you know, all you work with women, you got to drive around, smile, and flirt all day. It's is a good deal. You know, you just don't get no better than that when you're young and just crazy.

So, uh, took an opportunity to come down here to get away. I'd stopped at the bank that evening sponsor was telling me, "Boy, I don't think it's time for you to go. I don't think you're ready." his wife was saying, "I don't Claudia was saying, "I don't think it's time for you to go.

I think you're running." I said, "You don't know what you're talking about." And uh so what what I did was is I I made a stop. I had gone to the bank, got every bit of little money I had out, and I was going to go to Mexico that night, and I was going to finish the deal. I was going to drink myself to death.

That's what I was going to do. So, I made a stop at the uh Bay Area Club because I knew Danny, and I knew Bill W and a couple of other people. Now, I told myself, if Danny's there and Bill's there, I might stay for the meeting.

And both of them were there when I walked in the door. They were both there when I walked in the door. It the most amazing thing I ever seen in my life.

I sat down at this table. The guy named Big Al cussed at me immediately. Never having met him before in my life.

And I thought, "My god, I'm at home." You know, that's how that deal worked. Uh Walter and Bill A. And Al invited me out to dinner that night.

I went and had had supper with them and I was too tired to drive, so I figured I'd wait till the morning. And uh I did what I did what I do every day. When I woke up the next morning, I called my sponsor because I've been calling him every single day since I've been sober.

Whether I catch him or not, leave a message, talk to him. We don't talk about AA very much. We just talk and uh and I called Bill and and I said, "Hey, look man, I need a sponsor.

I need to go through the steps." And uh that was Halloween. That was Halloween. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, oh yeah, I told that one thing I was never going to tell.

Let me tell you something. My life changed almost immediately because now I was even. Now, I had really done what I was supposed to do.

I was gut level honest with myself, God, and another human being. And that's what I needed to do. And that that that changed my life.

You know, I'd been talking about all this stuff for years, running around telling my story, this and that, blah blah blah blah blah, but I wasn't working it. You know, I just wasn't I was half stepping it. Things changed after that in a hurry, in rapid succession.

wound up getting to sponsor a lot of good people and stuff like that and and and everything changed and I I made the tour of Texas made amends to everybody I'd messed over in sobriety and that is a lot diff lot more difficult than making that first round cuz you know you ain't got nothing to hang it on. You ain't got nothing to hang it on but I'm a sorry uh human being. >> You know that's how I live.

I lived wrong. It just wasn't right. And uh but I got to make all that stuff right and nothing's left undone right now.

I got to make my uh 10 year anniversary not long ago and and my ex-wife was there and her husband and the kids and it was great to go with a even slate and and all that stuff. It was just wonderful. I was at a concert one night with some friends of mine and this blonde walked by and I said, "Man, I'm going to have to try that out." and uh uh and it turns out she was a backsliding Alanon and and came up and talked to some of the people I knew and stuff like that and and uh she was married at the time and I always kind of like a dirty deal, you know, just something about half wrongs, right?

You know what I'm saying? So, we uh we got slipping around on the side and all that good stuff and and and wound up getting married eventually. So, uh it always do things backwards wrong and fast.

You know, that's just kind of how that goes. They hadn't fixed me quite yet. But uh anyway, got to get married.

She's a wonderful lady. Uh she had a great job. Everything was going good.

And she came home one day and said, "I want to pursue my dream in life." I said, "That's wonderful. What is it? I want to be a marriage and family therapist." And I said, "Oh my god." And so she quit her great job and started going to school full-time.

And she's just happy as can be. And u it's it's fun to be able to live and let live. I think our whole marriage is based on one thing and that's solid constructive imperfection.

We have a few short rounds every now and then, a few long rounds every now and then. That's just the way it goes. It's by no means perfect or anything like that, but it works for us.

It's kind of really abnormal, I think. But, uh, you know, what are you going to do? It is what it is.

She lets me be and I let her be most of the time and and and it it works out pretty good. Uh, I have amazing life. I really do.

I I think about I I was home a couple of weeks ago and I drove by that shed that I used to live in and it's still there. And that park bench I used to stay on, it's still there. See, nothing's changed.

Nothing's changed except me. And God made that possible through Alcoholics Anonymous and you people in that order. If you want to know what I'm gonna tell you what I believe the biggest secret and the most wonderful thing about AA is, and it's very simple to me.

It's the people. It's the people. That's where I hear the message.

That's where I get my answers. It's from you. >> It's from you.

When I was trying to get that inventory stuff done I was talking about, there was a gentleman named Iron Mike. guy that spoke last night, every time I iron Mike speaks, he said, he said, uh, I'm grateful God showed me mercy instead of justice. And that's what I was looking for.

That's what I was looking for cuz justice is what I deserved. And it was coming my way and I knew it. And uh, I did what I was supposed to do and I got mercy.

I just did. Every day is not a bed of roses. My life isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a far cry from what it should be.

Where I come from and all that kind of stuff. I'm grateful for you people. My life, I wouldn't know what to do without you.

I just wouldn't. All I had to do when I got here was go to meetings. The only place I had to go.

You know what? It's still the only place I got to go. And I love every minute of it.

I love giving back. I love giving back. They told me early on that gratitude was an action word.

And if you're grateful, you'll get off your anatomy and do something about it. You know, I don't cuss behind the podium. Really wish I could say what I wanted to say right there, but uh you get off your your rear and you do something about it if you're grateful.

Jason and I had the opportunity. We get to do the wheelhouse uh big book study on Monday nights and it's a blast. Most nights on the way down, me and him talk about it all the time.

We don't feel like going. But you know, when you leave, you feel like a million bucks, man. You feel like a million bucks cuz it ain't about looking down or looking up or anything like that.

It's just about being even. It's about being with your own people. And my favorite thing in the world to do is just sitting down with another wet drunk.

It's just great. And a lot of folks are good at service work. A lot of folks are good at this and that.

If there's anything in the world to do, I'd rather just sit in front of a wet drunk and talk. Hey man, I know what you're going through. I've been there.

I've done that. You can get out from under. I got a second chance.

I got a chance. All you old people get to say, I got a second chance. Life, well, I didn't get a second chance.

I just got one. Period. You know, I I I got off to a bad start.

Didn't look like it was ever going to get any better. And uh you guys have made all the difference. I love each and every one of you.

I mean that with all my heart. I really do. Uh if there was anything in the world I could do for you, I would.

Wouldn't wouldn't be no question about it. Thank you very much for having me. I appreciate it.

>> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.

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