When Willpower Finally Failed Me: AA Speaker – Stephen B. – Provo, UT – 2025
AA speaker Stephen B. from Provo shares his story of trying to white-knuckle sobriety for 12 years before finding recovery through the steps, sponsorship, and spiritual principles in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Stephen B., an AA speaker from Louisiana who later moved to California, spent 12 years trying to stop drinking on his own—quitting an estimated 300 times before hitting a breaking point at work. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his journey from a privileged small-town childhood derailed by early alcoholism to discovering that willpower alone would never be enough, and how treatment, the Big Book, and a sponsor finally cracked open the spiritual solution he’d been missing.
Stephen B. is an AA speaker who quit drinking an estimated 300 times before entering treatment in 1987, where exposure to the Big Book and a speaker meeting ignited his first real hope. He details his work through all 12 steps with his sponsor, including specific breakthroughs with resentment inventory (154 resentments), character defects, and making amends with family members before they passed. The recovery speaker emphasizes how sponsorship, step work, and spiritual principles—not willpower—allowed him to repair relationships with his parents and grandmother, ultimately transforming from a threat to their security into a source of support.
Episode Summary
Stephen B. opens with warmth and humor, painting a vivid picture of his Louisiana childhood in a small town where “everybody is somebody”—a place that felt safe and stable until alcohol arrived just before his 15th birthday. That first six-pack with cousins seemed innocent enough, but within 100 days, he was blacking out. What follows is a raw account of a decade-plus of self-destruction: seven car accidents by age 20, including one night when he wrapped two vehicles around obstacles within hours, causing his parents to regard him with something beyond anger—a kind of emotional resignation that haunted him.
What makes Stephen’s story distinctive is his candid assessment of willpower’s failure. He quit drinking roughly 300 times. Some mornings he’d stay sober, but by nightfall he was drinking again. He once made it 33 days on his own—a record he felt proud of until he drank that night. He became a CPA—”the worst job you could possibly get as an alcoholic”—and eventually devised a fantasy solution: work 30 days on an oil rig, stay sober there, then drink for 30 days off. Before he could execute this plan, the walls closed in, and his girlfriend (who’d been in Alanon) had his bag packed for treatment within 30 minutes.
Parkland Hospital in Baton Rouge became the turning point. That first weekend, detoxed and given the Big Book, Stephen read Bill’s story and the early chapters with genuine shock at how precisely alcoholism was described. Then came a speaker meeting—a man sharing at a level of transparency Stephen had never heard before. Something shifted. He left the treatment center with a fragile new belief: maybe he could stay sober.
From there, Stephen systematically worked the steps with his sponsor, and he doesn’t shy away from the specifics. His Fourth Step inventory listed 154 resentments—a substantial number, though he notes it’s not a record. Working through each resentment against the framework of selfishness, dishonesty, fear, and self-seeking, he came to understand a painful truth: he was often wrong about half the time. People weren’t doing things “wrong”—they were just doing things differently than he thought they should.
The Fifth Step was brutal and intimate. He confessed everything to his sponsor, including eight deep secrets written in code. Years later, when sponsoring someone else, he looked back at those codes and couldn’t remember three of them. “Maybe God’s relieved me of them,” he says, with the kind of lightness earned only through genuine spiritual work.
His characterization of his sponsor relationship is striking: “the most intimate relationship I’ve ever had with another human being.” They talk or meet every 10 days. He’s learned he has blind spots—his own physical health, and his tendency to over-respond to his children’s struggles. His sponsor has kept him honest in real time, not just in inventory work.
When discussing Step Six and Seven, Stephen shares his laminated list of character defects and contrary actions—practical tools he still uses today. Pride and self-reliance showed up repeatedly. Assertive communication became crucial, replacing his old pattern of passive acceptance followed by explosive anger. He talks about learning to say things early: “That hurt my feelings,” rather than white-knuckling until he snapped.
Steps Eight and Nine brought amends. Most of his harm was to his family of origin—his parents and grandmother. He didn’t know how much time he’d have with them. His father died of cancer when Stephen was four years sober. His grandmother lived longer. Stephen installed a phone by her bed in the nursing home and called frequently. Even with her dementia, repeating the same questions about lunch, she greeted every call with “I love you so much. I was waiting for you to call.” When she finally passed, Stephen was 30 years sober. The amends weren’t complete—he could never fully repair the early damage—”but did I put a dent in it?” Yes.
On the day his mother died, after a rapid hospitalization, Stephen faced an emotional and spiritual test. His deeply religious brother couldn’t make the decision to remove their mother from life support. Stephen, drawing directly from AA principles, told him: “No matter what it is, I can do the most loving thing there is to do.” They pulled the plug the next day. That afternoon, Stephen went to a meeting—a Louisiana treatment center gathering—where he shared what had happened and told those 25 guys in camouflage that AA had given his mother her son back for 30 years. One newcomer, 29 days sober, said: “People have been talking about God every day, but I really felt like God was here today.”
Stephen closes by emphasizing that he goes to lots of meetings, sponsors multiple men through the steps, and lives according to a simple mantra: “Loving father, trusted friend.” That’s what he wants on his gravestone, and through AA, he believes he’s getting there.
Notable Quotes
Within 100 days I’m a blackout drinker. Not because I had some deep reason to escape. I just had problems right out the gate.
I quit I estimate 300 times. Some days I would quit when I woke up, but I would not be quit when it got dark.
You got to have a spiritual experience. But that experience, it’s not like go to Jerusalem or pray until we can’t—it’s a series of actions that produce in a predictable, reliable way produce this spiritual experience.
My relationship with him is the most intimate relationship I’ve ever had with another human being. I told him everything, everything.
I can do the most loving thing there is to do. No matter what it is. And that’s directly from Alcoholics Anonymous.
AA where everybody is somebody—that’s what my hometown said, but I don’t think it was true. Here, I think it actually is.
Sponsorship
Surrender & Acceptance
Step 3 – Surrender
Making Amends
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Surrender & Acceptance
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Making Amends
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Steven.
I'm an alcoholic. >> I say I uh I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Um everything I have worth having, I owe to Alcoholics Anonymous.
um how it's u extended my life and bettered my life in in ways I could not have imagined when I first got here. You know, I um I want to thank Neil for that generous introduction and for arranging, you know, my being here. Uh I um I do uh live in Los Angeles and and uh my son moved here about 5 years ago and uh I'm here three or four times a year, you know, to to spend time with him and um and when I'm visiting him, I he's you know, often he's at work or doing other things and I have time to come to meetings and uh often they're you know, those noon meetings And when I I think of Neil and I want to before I get started, I want to make this comment.
Uh Neil uh reminds me of like one of those echo tourist, you know, the people that go places and try to make them better, you know, take take uh take their free time and then go places and try to make it better. And I remember at the last new meeting that that we were, you know, in together, he raised his hand with an announcement uh be and he because he wanted us to try the coffee. He had put together a new custom blend and he wanted some feedback and uh I was just I I was thinking in LA we don't have custom plans, baby.
We don't have custom plans. Um, I uh think of Los Angeles, 10 million people. I I didn't grow up in Los Angeles.
I I grew up in Louisiana. And uh the county that I grew up in had about 40,000 people. And um I um my hometown was a county seat.
We call them parishes, but the county seat, Marxville, and it had maybe 5 to 10,000 people. And um you'll it's it's it's that way today. Uh there's a water tower, you know, in that small town and says Markxville where everybody is somebody, you know.
That's my first exposure to propaganda because I I don't think it was true, man. I don't think it was true. Uh but uh it's one of those small towns where you know most days are just like boring and drag on but every now and again something happens you know and I'll name three or four just to give you a reference how it's maybe a little different from everywhere else.
There was a day in the 1940s when it actually rained fishes in Marsville. That's a phenomen hit chat gpt after the meeting and you you'll be able to you'll be able to find it. Uh and uh u if I don't know if some of you have seen that movie 12 Years a Slave, you know that character that Brad Pitt played was a a carpenter for Marxville.
And uh the judge that that released Solomon Northrup was, you know, was at the courthouse in my my hometown, one of my mom's great uncles or something like that. A point of pride for her that somebody she was connected with that, you know, had something to do with releasing the guy. Uh some of you, not all of you, are going to remember Johnny Carson.
part of his stickick sometimes was to read small town news, you know, and uh he caught us twice. Uh once when we elected our sheriff while he was doing time in his own jail and uh as just just a side note, he went in a landslide. All my family voted for him.
And uh his motto was uh I'm not in jail for something I did. I'm in jail for something I didn't do. His job basically, but still.
Uh, and then the other time, the other thing was was not as funny. Uh, that same water tower, as it turns out, was built just maybe 100 150 ft off the corner of the Catholic cemetery. and with the water tables and stuff like that and maybe not the best filtration that there there was some problems with the water there for a while and but we've we've we've they've corrected it decades ago.
It did have a peculiar smell though always. Um so that that gives you a flavor that's a little little small town. Every now and again something something would happen.
We'd make the news. Now I didn't live in town. I I lived two or three miles out of town, you know, on a on some people call it a farm, some people would call it a ranch, you know.
We had hundreds of acres. We had row crops, you know, cotton and soybeans and corn and and um and we also had livestock, you know, horses and cows and and and that whole list of things that you have on a farm. Like we had them all, you know, we had them all.
And uh so uh my grandmother so I I most people today live in a nuclear family. The way I think about it, we lived in it was almost like a more of a clan. You know, my my grandmother lived in the big house and her two sons built on either side of her, you know, on the front of the property and we were back and forth to each other's house all the time.
like so um that's how it was. Uh my parents uh desperately wanted to have children and uh they had my brother and I and and they centered their life around their kids. You know, they were very social people.
Um there's um um there was no alcoholism in those that generation that that I grew up in. So uh so they were good people. Um we were Catholic and uh but the good kind.
I you hear a lot of you you you hear a lot of stories in AA sometimes that that people had didn't have great experiences and uh I I had a great experience. Uh we had the kind of relationship with the the priest he'd come to my grandmother's house, he'd come to my great-grandmother's house and uh he'd bring his girlfriend, you know, was a a beautiful island girl. She was she was my first crush, I think.
Um, and uh, I I I my family spoke a lot of French. I learned later that part of the reason why they would they were at our house as much as they they were is she spoke French. And so they would get together and not too much not too different from what we do at a meeting where they'd have some coffee and some, you know, snacks and sit down and talk French to each other, you know, and and um so um when I was in the second grade, you know, I became an alter boy.
I I I think I'd still be an alter boy today if that outfit still fit, you know. I just I love being an alter boy. And uh and um uh I would say like I was good at things.
You know, I had a period in the early part of maybe the second grade when uh maybe a little self-consciousness started to, you know, develop and u little anxiety, that sort of thing. And and right about that same time um I was introduced to sports and uh and you know football, baseball, basketball, you know, tether ball, hops, whatever you got. Let's play.
Let's play. And uh that got me through that that got me through that that next stage of my life. I wanted to go to school early.
I wanted to stay late. I wanted to play whatever whatever was organized or un you know ad hoc uh I wanted to do it. So um it was good.
So we're going to fast forward a little bit. So that that was the beginning. Um you get to the point where you know I'm 14 years old just a few days before I'm 15.
And uh you know I'd uh we just had the sports banquet and I had my my Letterman jacket I'd lettered as a freshman you know for football and that was a big deal in my hometown and I was on the student council. I was a good student. I I think at that point I had only been like a source of pride to my family, you know, and um I had two of my cousins and we had a a plan to do something mischievous on a on a Tuesday night and on our way to do this thing.
It's not important what we were on our way to do, but we decided to stop off at a gas station and get a six-ack of beer. It was a BIOPS gas station and uh one of my cousins had just received, you know, in anticipation of his birthday, a brand new Ford Bronco. Brand new, you know, like the smell, the whole It was brand new.
And it was fully loaded. It even had a cassette player, you know. It was nice.
It was nice. And uh we only had one cassette and it was Leonard Skannard. You know that uh where there's a little riff d and a dude would say turn it up.
>> We in that cassette player we just go to right after turn it up. Then we'd rewind it up over and over and over again. And uh but anyway, we stopped off at Ed Bilip station and we got a six-ack of beer.
We got each of two beers and uh in a two beers with my guys, you know, three form boys and um and it was wonderful. Like it was wonderful. Like there was not a cloud on the horizon.
I didn't know I didn't know that I was going to be ambushed. You know, within a 100 days I'm a blackout drinker within a 100 days. Not because I had some deep reason to escape.
Like I just I don't know. I uh I just, you know, I had problems right out the gate. I started suffering consequences right out the gate.
And um um I think the ones I'm going to focus on today, a lot of bad things happened. I'm not going to tell you all of them. We're going to focus on just like the car wrecks before I was, you know, by the time I was 19.
I was in seven accidents before I was 20. And uh one of and I'm going to there these three particular days that stand out. Uh, one was, uh, like on a Monday or a Tuesday, my mom and dad had bought a brand new car, like the only brand new car they ever bought before or after.
And uh, on Friday night, I asked if I could borrow the car. By then, I had made 15 and I could drive. And it was a rainy night.
On the way I'd done I' I'd been drinking. On the way back, it was raining. I lost control of the car, spun out and wrapped it around a telephone pole, but it wrapped on the passenger side and I didn't have a passenger, you know, and u and so there was that.
Um, another one I unfortunately I hit an ambulance that uh had somebody in it and uh that we had to go to we had to go to court on that one. That was that was a bad one. And uh for you know we had some shared negligence there but you don't want to hit an ambulance you know.
And u and then maybe the worst the worst of the worst was um at at about noon on this particular day turning into a bar. I crashed the car and uh you know my dad come got I mean we did all the things that you do and that night I was un comfortable and after they went to bed I took my dad's truck and uh before midnight that night I crashed his truck. So, I crashed two cars in one day.
And uh and uh thank God my kids have never done this to me. Um but uh when we got home, when I you know, my dad had to come get me. When we got home, my my little mom u I mean I I it's I don't I don't know that I have the words to describe.
I mean, it wasn't resignation. It wasn't rage. It wasn't like it was it was I I don't know done and you know you know I'd been a threat to their emotional security by then their physical security uh their reputation their financial um and um it was almost like I was I was a terrorist you know in their lives because it didn't happen every day, you know, but it happened a lot and um and so uh that gives you a sense of how it was, right?
And then um for till my mid20s, so for about 10 or 12 years um I was trying to stop drinking, trying to stop drinking. I had good people behind me that were helping me. I did not want to be this.
I I did not want to be this. I quit I I estimate 300 times. That's my estimate.
Now, some days I would quit when I woke up, but I would not be quit when it got dark. You know, there were lots of those days. Now that's now I quit forever and I didn't make it through the day.
I mean it's sad and uh and it happened over and over and all those you know it's 10 or 12 years of drinking I one time I made it all the way to 33 days on my own. Of course we got drunk that night but you know that that was my record. That was my all-time record.
And uh while I was doing all this stuff, you know, I got it through a university, you know, and u and then uh I got a I got the worst job you could possibly get as an alcoholic. I became a CPA, you know, and uh a bad behaving CPA. That that was not a that wasn't a good match.
And uh and uh my drinking was progressing. I felt like, you know, the the things were closing in and I had developed a plan, you know, like I can't I can't do this job because I can't show up every day. I can't do this.
So, my new plan, which I was like thinking of, was I'm going to go work offshore on an oil rig, right? I'll work 30 days and then I'll be off 30 days. I can't drink on the rig and I'll just I'll be off and I'll drink for 30 days and then I'll that'll be my new life.
And u but u the walls closed in a little too quick before I could get there. And uh I uh to save a job, I uh I decided to uh I mentioned to my girlfriend at the time like maybe I should try treatment. I didn't know about AA.
This was in the 1980s. This was in 1987. I didn't know about AA.
I should have, you know, uh there wasn't an app. There wasn't Google AA. There was none of that then.
And uh what I said uh what what about a treatment center? And she as it turns out she had been in Alanon for 6 months. And within 30 minutes like she had my bag packed and we were on our way to the treatment center and uh she had picked she had picked a good one that she had picked one.
It was Parkland Hospital. Parkland Hospital had a treatment center in Baton Rouge and they did a lot of advertising and they had the billboards and all that, but they had the commercial where they'd be an attractive, mature couple, you know, and uh and the woman would look lovingly at her at her husband and and say, "Thanks, Parkland." and and uh and that's that's the one we picked. That's where we headed.
And uh I got there and uh you know they do the check-in and I was you know I was I was horribly I was still messed up you know and you do the check-in and they ask a lot of questions and I I answered them honestly and so then they maybe they gave me a little medication or something cuz I open I woke up the next day and I wanted to leave and they said uh well you can't leave. I said, "Well, what you'd" And then they brought out like the questions and answers and what I had said. I said, "Oh my god, I can't believe." And uh so that day they just detoxed me.
That was a Friday. And then on Saturday there was no programming. So they gave me a big book and they said, "Go read something." you know it's it's and so I started uh with the doctor's opinion you know and then as Bill's story and there is a solution and those early early chapters and oh my god it just like blew me away man like I related so so much to how they described what was going on and um and then the next day was a Sunday and they brought and they brought in a speaker kind of like what we're doing here today.
And uh the guy was uh um you know a little bit older than me and he and he was sharing his story in a in a in a at a level of transparency that I I had never heard anybody talk you know and I really related to him. And I got to tell you, I I just I went to the treatment center to try to keep my job. I didn't By then, I was convinced I would never ever ever be able to stop drinking.
But after that first weekend, I had a little hope like maybe this could work for me. and and as it turns out um I've never had another drink, you know, and uh so right from the beginning um I've really really like going to meetings, you know, something magical happens at meetings. Uh when I come to this room, I love this room.
You know, I don't some of you can relate to this. Like there there have been times when I come to this room and I really need a meeting and uh maybe it's the pine ceilings, I don't know, or what people say or, you know, um you know, just a smile, a pat on the back, you know, we're just talking AA the coffee, you know, custom blends and everything. and um and uh and some you know magic happens and there's a lot of times I just come here and I'm I'm between storms and I'm just here and I just enjoy being here.
I love you know seeing seeing new people and young people and people that have been here for a long time. So, um, so I'm going to maybe switch over a little bit so you got a sense of like, uh, what it was like and then like kind of what happened and, um, maybe move on to talking a little bit about the steps and, uh, I I know some pe like it it can be horribly boring sometimes to hear people talk about the steps. I'm g I and if it if it is, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna apologize in advance, but I'm gonna I'm gonna I want to talk about like some of the experiences I've had and my impressions of it.
And uh maybe I'll begin. You you've got a strong sense of my first step. I talk about the second step.
Uh and for us in our reading, that's we agnostics. And and one of my favorite paragraphs in the book is that first paragraph in we agnostics where where I think it just in a very sort of concise efficient way it describes alcoholism. You know if when you really want to stop drinking you can't stay stopped or if uh once you start drinking you can't control the amount you drink.
says, "Well, then if if if either one of those you have either one of those, you're probably an alcoholic. And if you're an alcoholic, uh I had both. But if you're an alcoholic, uh you're going to need a spiritual experience to overcome alcoholism, you know.
And uh I want to maybe hold that thought and go back and uh and like summarize a little um paragraph where Carl Young is talking to this guy Roland and more about alcoholism and they summarizing this conversation and uh you know this preeminent physician and it's telling him, "You're an alcoholic. I don't have an answer for you. I've never seen a single case recover." You know, this is only maybe three or four years before Bill and Bob met.
And I've never seen a single case recover. And then Roland asked him, you know, he's trying to get a little hope and and then it's described in that reading where he says here in he says he'd never seen it, but here and there once in a while over the course of human history, there have been people that have had these vital spiritual experiences that u that were able to overcome their alcoholism, but they were very very rare, very rare. and uh and it kind of set rolling on this on this uh quest, you know, and um that eventually got to Bill.
And uh so when I when I read one of the magical things in my mind about this step two is and and then the steps that follow is um is that you got to have a spiritual experience. But that experience, it's not like um well, let's let's go to Jerusalem or let's go let's go pray until we can't, you know, uh it's it's it's a series of actions that produce in a in a in a predictable reliable way produce this spiritual experience. And uh so I want to talk a little bit about that.
So step two, I had to come up with a definition of God. I had this Catholic background and um I had a warped relationship with God when I first got here. You know, I blamed God.
I didn't I didn't think it was fair what had happened to me. I I I didn't want to be like I was. And uh that's so that's how I got here.
And uh my sponsor asked me to come up with a definition of a higher power. And that's that flexibility that we have to talk about higher power, you know, or God or even if we want to just use AA as our higher power in the beginning, that's that's um we're able to do that. But he asked me to to come up with u with a definition of God.
And I I came up with a series of words that didn't conflict with my religious training but were somewhat different because uh because it I needed something different. You know, I needed a new foundation. And when I think of my higher power, it's loving, kind, available, reliable, wise, giving, generous, fearless, forgiving, powerful, protective, patient, and present.
That's how that's my little mantra. When I'm really in a tough space and I need to I need to quiet my mind, I go back to that that mantra. Um I think uh the the two things that that may be related to this that are um uniquely aa one was you know allowing us each individual to divine to define their own conception of God rather than preach a conception of God.
it that doesn't hard at the beginning it almost doesn't sound right you know that you can just think of your own but I think that's unique uniquely aa and and and lowers the threshold for a lot of people enabling a lot of people to get in and then the other thing is the magic of one alcoholic talking to another just like we're doing today and u so um before I move off of this topic I also want to maybe in that we agnostics you know I talked about that first paragraph but there's also a list the bedments that a lot of you are going to be familiar with and I use that even today as sort of an early warning sign that uh before I get thirsty that maybe I'm having some some issues you know do I have problems with personal relations do I have problems with my emotional nature Am I prey to misery and depression? Am I unhappy? I feel useless.
Am I afraid? Um am I unable to make a living? You know, am I unable to be of any real service to anybody?
Those are the eight things. And um and for me even today, like there's the drinking definition, but there's insbriety. you know, when am I when am I trending toward fragile?
And it it's usually when something like that pops up. So, um that that gets us through two and three, you get to four. And uh resentments.
Um when I first got here, the word resentment wasn't in my vocabulary. And I heard somebody uh describe it as this looping negative thought, like thinking a thought, a negative thought over and over and over about somebody else. And I was thinking, well, I mean, that's kind of my hobby is is to drive around in the car with a six-pack and a pint or a half pint and think negative thoughts about my boss or my girlfriend or somebody, you know, and uh so I had that I like I really related and uh so they made me write, you know, write down all my resentments.
I had 154 resentments and uh you know, it's not a record, but it is a lot. And uh and uh and then uh you know, there's the second and third column that just brings into like more detail. And in that that fourth column that uh where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or afraid?
For each one of that 154, I had to answer those four questions. And I did that and then it was time uh just on the fifth step. I was sitting with my sponsor and uh we started with the first resentment and uh I got to like how I'd been selfish and he didn't like what I wrote.
Let's put it that way. And uh he asked me to redo it all which I have 155 resentments on my list now. And uh but he wanted me to write for selfishness.
he or she did not do it, whatever it is, the way I thought it should be done. And if I if I'm going to have a resentment, it has to be somebody that has a little bit of power over me, you know, or uh if you want to think of it that way, or I have to care about it, and uh they have to do something in a way that's not consistent with the way I think it should be done at that moment. And then I get a resentment.
You're not doing it right, man. All right, I'm not pointing at you. I'm just saying in general.
And uh that's how I get a resentment. And uh what I've learned before I get off this topic is like I'm wrong about half the time. Like I'm getting resentments about things when I'm wrong, you know, which caused me troubles over the years.
So um that's that's how we talked about selfishness. Um and uh maybe a a little bit about dishonesty for him my sponsor and I'm going to talk about the way I work the steps and there's there is some variability about how people work the steps but uh for dishonest there were three ways like you could actually lie u you could um uh you could be passive like something someone could do something and you not speak up, you know, and uh get a resentment. Um and and then the other one that was was a catchall is and particularly in my early life like some things happened and uh I just hadn't accepted it.
You know, I just hadn't accepted it. It's hard to get over that resentment until you accept it. So, so we did all that work and uh fear, you know, um evil and corroding thread.
I love that the the way that um caused more problems than stealing should be classed with stealing. Like I I didn't I didn't recognize I was a big form boy that I was as afraid as I was. And uh but I came to learn about that and uh and I and and and the way I reacted when I when I when I got that way and um and uh then we get maybe move on to the fifth step and that was um I my sponsor asked me to stop saying it this way but uh but I can't come up with a better way to say it Like when we got together, I read my entire fourth.
You know, it's the resentment area, the fear, and the sex inventory. I thought the sex inventory would have taken more time than it did, but you know, that's how it worked for me. U but um that's a little joke.
Blue well I let me say it differently. I wish that was a joke. Um um But I we you know I shared all that the mechanical piece and then I had uh then I had to get to like my secrets and I had eight secrets you know and uh when I wrote them down in my book I didn't just write them out I wrote them in code you know and uh so when I talked to him it was fresh so I knew what each code meant and uh I had eight of them and a couple of years ago I went back to my work.
I was taking somebody else through the steps and I looked at my eight secrets and there were three codes that I couldn't remember what they stood for, you know, so maybe God's relieved me of them, you know, maybe they're gone. And uh but I what I said like my relationship with him is the most intimate relationship I've ever had with another human being. Like I told him everything, everything.
I was in so much pain when I was working through the steps that I was willing to share everything. And uh I still I I mean every 10 days or so and you know we uh with this sponsor you know either we get together I talk to him on the phone. So, it's, you know, we I stay current and I need to stay current because what we learned is that I I have, you know, if you're in a car, there's or truck there's a blind spot.
I have blind spots. I have blind spots and a couple of them for me and they're going to be different for everybody. One is my my own physical health, you know, like if one time I called him, I just gotten off a plane and I told him I said, "Uh, my my face is is u swollen." He he said, "Oh my god, h how how bad is it?" I said, "Well, you can't really see it." And uh he said, "Well, if it's still swollen next Tuesday, we'll go to the doctor.
If if not, we'll I'm I'm being silly, but that actually happened. Like it's a blind spot. My own physical health.
I get I get u overly anxious about issues that that come up. The other is uh you know, my kids. I um I have an um an overdeveloped response when my kids are having any kind of struggle, you know, like I'm all in, you know, and uh and so he's helped me many times just just get right about things.
Uh so that relationship has been key. Um, I've taken guys through the steps, a number of guys through the steps. And when I'm taking a guy through the steps, to me, there's like two magical moments that happen consistently.
One is when a guy tells me his secrets and I'm able to say, "Well, man, that that happens to everybody." Or like or you know, just like bring it right size for him. That's one. And then the other is like when a guy comes back to me reporting back after he's made amends to someone in his family.
And and you know, anytime that we're able to like like bring bring families back together and back to health, you know, and I feel like feel like a link in the chain, like we're doing something here, you know. And so those have been magic moments for me when I'm working with guys. Uh when I get to step six and seven, I'll talk about them together.
Um I use the framework that some people are going to be familiar with. Paggles, pride, you know, seven deadly sins, pride, anger, greed, gluttony, lust, envy, sloth, and u but he wouldn't let me just put those down. Under each one, I had to give examples of how that manifested itself in my life.
Be specific. That was a, you know, a common theme for him all the way through. Be specific.
And then I had to come up with a list of contrary actions for each one. And um, for a lot of people, pride's a big issue. You know, for me, it was pride was a big issue.
Self-reliance. You know, I can do this. And uh but I I can't I need help.
And uh so um when I I finished I got through six and seven with him and I had to write everything down. Um a week or so later I typed it up and I laminated it. You know, these are my defects and these are my contrary actions.
And for a long time I would just go back to that as like where am I at? Because if I'm unc I'm if I can't drink and I'm uncomfortable, like what am I going to do? Am I going to act out?
You know, there's lots of ways to act out and or am I going to lean into the program? And as um and uh maybe a couple of other things that were on my contrary action list was uh like to take risks, you know, not just play it safe, you know, take some risk, but after working with a, you know, with a sponsor and with people, but be reasonable, but not not always safe, you know. And uh and then the other one was and and it's really come in handy for me over time particularly with I was with an ex-wife is um assertive communication you know like my mo cuz I'm you know good old country boy is like just be passive just take it take it take it take it till I can't take it anymore and go over the top aggressively that that was my mo.
And what we've worked on for years now is like assertive communication. If there's an issue, just say it, you know, just say it. Take that risk before you have to you feel a need to get aggressive, you know, before you need to raise your voice.
You know, you can just ask somebody why that hurt my why did you say that? You know, that hurt my feelings. If you're sleeping in the front, not not you, but uh I was gonna say if you're sleeping in the front row, that would help.
That would hurt my feelings, but nobody's doing that. So um sorry, I get silly. I um so a lot of lot came out of that work you know and then you get to eight and nine when I I had to make the list of uh people you know that I had harmed and then I had to make uh be specific about the harms that I'd done each one that was on the list and uh reviewed it with my sponsor and we there was some people he didn't want me to make he didn't feel a need for me to make an amends to and and then We adjusted the wording on some of the harms, you know, so it was clear.
And then we set a priority and there was a script and, you know, I I did it. I did all of them. And uh I talk about my family, like most of my harm was to that, you know, family of origin.
My mom and dad and my grandmother, you know, they're the ones that had suffered the most with me. And the thing with your family, um, like you can sit down and you can say it and they're already going to be rooting for you, you know, they just like if you just stop drinking like that's that was such a huge thing, you know, but u but you know, we want needed to do more and I you don't know how much time you're going to have to make amends, you know, and with my dad he got cancer a few years after I got so so he he died when I was four years sober. So I we had taken to it to a point where, you know, I was I I mean I wasn't drinking anymore.
I was connecting with them, but I was only four years sober when he died. And I I that's my grandmother died when I I was 10 years sober. And uh she uh a couple of years before she died, we had to move her into a uh nursing home.
I'll just share the story. I've never shared it before. And I adored my grandmother, you know, and uh they moved her in a nursing home.
And by then, I was calling my family every week. I'd call my mom and dad and I'd call my uh my grandmother. You know, those first few calls were really uncomfortable.
I was already living in California. You know, I think one time my dad asked me how my TV was doing because he had bought me a TV and uh but you know, I got we evolved beyond that. Um but I had a phone put next to my grandmother's bed, you know, at in the nursing home and I'd call her much more frequently than once a week.
And she had dementia. So, like it was the kind of conversation where they she'd forget like she'd ask me, "What did you have for lunch?" You know, and I'd say, "Chicken." And then a couple of minutes later, "What'd you have for lunch?" And I'd say, "A hamburger." And what'd you have for lunch? I have a salad.
And then at some point, she'd catch herself and we'd have a laugh. And u But she would open up every one of those calls with, "I love you so much. I love you so much.
I was sitting here waiting for you to call and uh thank you. And then when we'd get off the call, it was I love you so much. Call me back.
And um so um you know, did I fully heal what I did to them earlier? No. But did I put a dent in it?
I feel like I did. and and not only that, but I got something back, you know, and uh now my mom uh didn't pass on when I was 30 years sober. So, by then, and if you remember that setting, you know, around the kitchen table that night that I wrecked two cars, um we had come a long way from there.
By then I calling her every week I'd probably had 1,500 calls with her you know and I'd learned so much about her and her early life and and then as she got older you know rather than being a you know a threat to her security I'd become a source of security you know emotional security you know support I there was some financial things that I was able to do and uh every time I went home you know there'd be a punch list. And now did did I ever make up for everything that I did to her? No.
No. But did I put a dent in it, you know, as a result of alcoholics anonymous? I think so.
I think so. I remember the day uh she died. I My brother called me uh to tell me she had gone to work on a Tuesday and on that Thursday she was in the hospital.
My brother called me and said, "Uh, you need to come home." I said, "What do you mean?" And he was, "My mom was in the hospital and uh that it was really bad." And I I didn't I didn't fully believe it, you know, but I went home and uh when I got home just to check on her, you know, and within a day or so, she dropped into a coma and she never came out of it, you know. And uh I uh I was when uh I first got to the hospital, one of the things my brother said was he was a um a very religious person, you know, Pentecostal, you know, and u he said uh you know, if we get to the point where we have to pull the plug, I can't do it. I I I can't do that's against my religion.
And one of the things that I I have from Alcoholics Anonymous is no matter what it is, I can do the most loving thing there is to do. And uh we got to a point over the course of the next few days when it was time to you know take her off that uh you know that equipment. And uh the day before I I told my brother cuz he we were we were praying our ass off and he and his family too.
I said, "If God restores her overnight, you know, then we're good, but if not, you know, we're going to pull the plug." And and we did the next day. And and it was done. And uh that next that day, I um you know, I had to get a suit, you know, I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements because none of that was in advance.
A little bit stressful. And um and uh and then I went to a meeting about and then I had to go to the you know she had a little dog. I had I had given her a dog and what when they put her in the hospital they put the dog in whatever that place she put dogs.
I don't know even know the name. And uh they were holding the dog and I went to check on the dog and the lady told me that the dog was uh riddled with cancer, was really sick, that they weren't going to be able to find another home for the dog. She said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "Is I mean there was nobody in our family was able to do it." I said, "Well, I guess we'll put the dog down." And uh I did that really with the same sort of spirit like I I can do the most loving thing that needs to be done in in any situation I believe as a direct result of what I I've learned here in AA and and the support of my system here.
So, we did that and uh so you can imagine, you know, that's been quite a day and it's about a maybe it was a 7:00 meeting and we have a a treatment center in Marxville now. And I get to this meeting and it's Louisiana, you know, and it's guys and there maybe 25 guys and everybody's in camouflage, you know, it's like 100% Louisiana camouflage and uh and they had an odd sort of uh format like they'd read a a paragraph and then you could share as many times as you wanted. And some of these guys were new in there, some were coming off meth and other things.
And and some of these guys were like sharing like it just the impulse to share was like over and over and over, you know. And uh maybe about 45 minutes in, you know, I uh I was able to share that meeting and I told him uh um what it the day was like and that u that Alcoholics Anonymous had given my mom her son back for 30 years, you know, and that if if she was here, she'd she'd be thanking AA, you know, and u uh one of those those boys in that meeting said uh you know I've been here for 29 days I'm getting out tomorrow and he said uh people have been talking about God every day he said but I really felt like God was here today and uh you know I uh I think God comes to all the meetings you know I think God comes to all the meetings and u I um I Um, that was part of my amends. I have like ongoing I've just got a couple more minutes to to wrap it up.
You know, I I go to a lot of meetings. I I talked about my sponsor. I've got the sponses that I'm taking through the steps.
I um, you know, I I my goal in life is to be a loving father and a trusted friend. That's that's what I want on my gravestone. Loving father, trusted friend.
And I want it to be so true that when somebody comes to my grave, they don't say, "Oh my god." That's, you know, I want it to be so overwhelmingly true that they say, "Yeah, they they got that right." And it and if it does happen, you know, it'll be directly as a result of everything that I've experienced here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh I was um sometimes I I close with something cheeky. I'm not going to do that tonight.
Uh you know, for the newcomers, I was going to say something like uh aa where everybody is somebody, you know. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Um but um in the the last the last paragraph of the 12 and 12, it's a long form of uh step 12. Um it reads, you know, this to the end. That means everything that came before it.
That our great blessings may never spoil us. That we may forever live in thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. And uh they they read a lot of Emit Fox in those early days and in one of his books Emit EMTT Fox u defined contemplation for him as uh when when the prayer and the prayer become one.
So in in a sense like your life becomes a prayer. Now that's a that's aspirational. That's aspirational.
We don't I we don't get there. We don't get there but it's it's something to strive for. And uh I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I really appreciate u you listening.
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