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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Derek's jealous of my hair. I I'm I'm thinking he talked to my wife before that because I'm sure she loaded him up on some of that stuff.

>> I uh Well, hi. I'm Brian. I'm an alcoholic and as a direct respiring to practice the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not had a drink since March 6th of 1993.

And uh and I'm telling you that is a miracle. And um and it's all due to God and Alcoholics Anonymous. Good sponsorship.

Um my mom loves Alcoholics Anonymous. She loves that you brought her son home and so does my dad. Rest rest his soul.

So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm like a little bit well I'm not even a little bit anything. I'm a lot nervous and there's a lot of my heroes sitting in this room.

Uh, last time I was at FOTS was 12 years ago. We were spying to start Neph up in Maine. We took everything, brought it up there.

And so, uh, we're also pregnant with my daughter who's here with me. I I want to say you guys are amazing that I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how grateful and honored I am that you asked me to speak and that then you would uh invite my wife uh which allowed us to, you know, fly our kids in with us and be able to spend the weekend with our family here. Uh, it means a a real lot to me.

I mean, it's I can't even tell you. And I'm uh I'm hoping Well, I know God's going to speak through me. I mean, we did some prayer and meditation in the morning downstairs, and I know I need to get out of the way.

I, you know, I come here to bear witness, and I'm telling you, uh, I am so blessed. I have such a blessed life. And I'm looking in the room, I mean, Mickey and Marie, and then I'm I'm looking at Mary Ther Maine.

She's beside my wife, she knows me the longest. And uh she just came up to me and said, you know, I've never heard your story. And I'm like, you know, because we're just friends, you know, I'm sure she's heard pieces of it.

Uh and Tom, Ananita, Tony. So, and I did have a guy come up and say, you need to give a shout out to me. His name is Jeff from Arizona.

So, a real knucklehead. >> >> That's my shout out. I'm stalling.

So, if you come up and thank me or, you know, say anything nice to me after, if you're either just inclined to and, you know, or your sponsor demands it of you, uh, I want you to know, and I know you already know this, but, I want you to know that that this is a gift from God. Anything that has given to me has been through God. So, you're not thinking me, you're thinking God.

And I know you know that, but I need you to know that I know that. I truly know that. Anytime I put self-will into my recovery, it has gone a muck.

So, anything good is through the blessings of God. So, I just want to say that on the flip side, if you're out there on the patio and you're going like, "Wow, what was that? That sound like a bad case untreated alcoholism." If you do that, all right, you're judging God and we we don't do that in AA.

Okay. So, I'm officially off the hook. So, I I came to Alcoholics Anonymous um in 1992 and I didn't come a willing participant.

My pro officer sent me to you. I had just gotten uh done spending six years in a federal penitentiary and I was in an IOP. It wasn't IOP.

It was it was well I don't know what it was but it was intensive outpatient to me. And part of that was I was supposed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and I was going to this program at Monday, Wednesday and Friday night 6:00 to 9:00 p.m. And it was my first introduction to the possibility that I may have a problem with drugs or alcohol.

And I was a master at hiding my alcoholism behind my drug addiction, which really really styied my recovery. But so I would go to these things and I and I realized I had to have a sheet signed and I realized really early um that if you uh nobody's in charge in AA, so you know, so I would just sign the sheets, you know, and uh and when I end up violating and going back to prison, the uh I remember my my pollster asked me, he said, "So what meeting you go on Wednesday nights?" And I was slick enough to always have my meeting list with me. He called me on the phone.

I was checking in and I whipped it out and I said, "Oh, I go to the Wednesday night and I I" He goes, "Oh, when's the last time you were there?" And I looked at where I'd signed it and I'm I gave him the day. He says, "That's weird. That meeting has been closed for 6 months." See, my the delusional thinking around my alcoholism, it I was never in denial.

I mean, there's that's never been a vocabulary for me because denying means I know something and I'm just denying it. I was delusional. I really could not see the truth.

I just couldn't see it. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I was too young to be an alcoholic.

I was too short to be an alcoholic. I was too I could just invent all kinds of reasons, you know? I I have crooked eyes.

You can't be an alcoholic if you have crooked eye. I don't know. I just invent stuff.

Did not want to because alcohol was the only thing that made me feel okay about me. Like it was great hearing John on Thursday and hearing Aaron. I mean Aaron like he is an alcoholic.

I mean he really he described alcoholism really well and alcohol did for me what it and it worked every time. It just linked everything up and the idea that I would give that up was just like not even on the table. So I grew up in California.

I grew up in a town called Stockton and there's nothing really I mean there was trauma in but that's not why I'm alcoholic. Okay, but there was stuff my mom was the alcoholic in the house. Uh, and the only thing about that that's interesting that I brought into recovery was the dialogue between my mom and my father.

Cuz my mom would come home, I was a latch key kid in the 70s. So, my mom would come home and she would say, "Uh, she'd cook us food and then she'd say, "I'm going to the bar with the girls. I'll be back in an hour." And my dad would have an argument, say, "You're not going to be back in an hour.

You're never back in an hour." And there'd be a big fight going on. And as a young kid, I would listen and it would kind of scare me. It was always like so I'd always back up a little bit and then my mom would go and then about an hour later, 2 hours later, 3 hours later, my dad would get in the car and go get her and drag her out of the bar and then they would have a fight and the only thing I would hear through the wall was my mom didn't love us.

My mom was weak. She had no willpower. And so I brought that dialogue of my dad's opinion of my mom's alcoholism into recovery.

And I resented my mom immensely. I disrespected my mother. I resented my mom.

I didn't want nothing to do with her. I thought she was weak. She had no moral fiber.

And what I learned when I started to go through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh it pained me. But what I learned was my mom was as powerless as I was. And that she believed every time.

She believed it in her heart and in her soul that it would be different when she went to that bar. And I judged her and I punished her for that. And my dad died a year ago.

even to his death he did not understand alcoholism even though I tried to I tried to explain it to him so many times and finally about I don't know Ken I remember Kenny Ken W is my sponsor I don't know if you know him from Silverton and Tucson and Kenny would tell me things like you know you need to just let your dad think you got willpower like why why I kept trying to convince him it was God you know he believed you guys gave me a lot of willpower he was so happy for the willpower you gave your son his son and even to his dying day he believed that um and you know what? He doesn't have to understand it. He just doesn't.

And so nothing really happened except that I was a guy who never fit in. And I always blamed it on being short. I always blamed I was always the smallest in my class.

I was and I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Stockton, California is not a place. It's a place you want to be from.

I guarantee you that. And I always was scrappy. I was one of those scrappy kids.

And I would fight at the drop of a hat. I never want to fight. I wasn't a I wasn't a fighter, right?

I mean, I was like I'm cursed really. I wasn't a fighter and I'm not a lover. I mean, what am I, you know?

I mean, it's so not fair, right? I would, but I would always I would always like I remember my brother when I was a young kid, he would put boxing gloves on me on in the summertime and he would rope off the the grass and he would have me fight neighborhood kids. He was four years older than me.

He always whisper in my ear like, "Don't cry and don't leave. If you cry or you leave, I'm going to kick your butt." He didn't say it like that. He said more things.

And so, if you would beat me down, I would I would just like chase you outside and jump on your back. I'm the type of guy who would bite you in the ear, you know, and grab on your leg and and I uh and I brought that fight into my recovery. The idea of surrender is just foreign to me.

Uh I ran away from home at the age of 12, stole a boat, my brother was 16, we got we hedbar, they came and got us. Uh my first introduction to the juvenile facility, you know, I didn't go in, but it was just introduction to this is where you're headed. My parents at the age of 14 did my first geographical for me.

My parent, my brother, my oldest brother who I ran away with, they kicked him out and he went to go live with someone else and at 14 I was an only child. My dad worked at IBM and they got an opportunity to move to Tucson and they took it. And I know today even they even told me they wanted to get me out of Stockton.

They thought that that was the problem. Where I live is never the problem. Who I am is always the problem.

And so my parents did a geographical. I moved to Tucson. And I remember as a 14-year-old kid thinking that's it.

I'm gonna start new. I'm going to start fresh. New friends.

I'm not going to do anything. And within six months, I was doing the same old thing. And my mom was an alcoholic.

And so if I went to keg parties and during high school, I was given the green light to stay there and sleep in my car. And I think that's beautiful. My mom like she'd rather have me passed out in my car parked on the side of the road than driving home drunk.

And so I drank. And I drank alcoholically pretty much from the beginning. though I could not see the signpost.

18 1980 I moved out of I graduated from high school in 1980. I moved out and I moved in with four guys. It was when Aaron was talking I'm like that was my story.

I mean there was four of us but we were all alcoholics and we destroyed that house and I got kicked out 6 months later and that became this whole three-year run and I was a daily drinker for three years. And I was a daily drinker because you know what? I worked hard and I deserved to drink.

But I would I would say things like I had a buddy named Steve who would drink in the morning and I would always look at Steve and I'd say, "Yeah, if I ever get like Steve, I may look at my drinking, but I'm smoking enough weed in the morning to a baby giraffe, but I'm not like like I'm not drinking in the morning." So, I'm thinking I don't have a problem. But around 2 or 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm thinking that's all I can think about. In fact, on the way to the liquor store from the job site, just knowing I was going to go to the liquor store, just knowing it, I would get a sense of relief just on the idea that I'm heading there.

And the closer I got to the liquor store, the better I felt. Now, I couldn't identify that as alcoholism, but I can tell you that's alcoholism. I mean, just knowing it, drive up to the drive-through liquor store, two 16oz buds in a bag, and then a six-pack, which was ludicrous because I always went back or I went out that night.

Then I started doing a lot of outside substances, you know. I did a lot of a lot of outside stuff and uh started dealing drugs. I became a drug dealer and I was addicted to the drugs I was dealing, which is not a recipe for success.

It's just a it's destined for failure. And I'm really good at telling people what they want to hear. So I started burning drug dealers all over Tucson.

And I'd go to I'd go to like five different guys and say, "Look, I know you just gave me an ounce, uh, but I got some more coming. I fronted this out." And I would play this game. And I did that for about a year and a half.

And I started, you know, at the age of 21, I was I was really tired at the age of 21 playing this game. I was constantly in motion. And uh got to a place one night and I if you looked at my life from the outside, you would have thought it was okay.

I mean, I had a fiance. I I had a pinto >> >> I mean, it didn't it wasn't running, but I had it. I lived in a house, you know, I was dealing drugs.

I thought I was somebody. I'd go to the bars, you know, and I would go to the bars down at the University of Arizona and I would I would burn frat boys, you know, I would like sell them stuff that wasn't real. And I was playing games and I was getting out of control, but inside I was dying inside.

I would, you know, I would look in the mirror and just know I was a fraud. Just know it. I'm a fraud.

I don't what's going on. And I was getting so desperate and so like, and I'm not a depressed guy. I'm not one of those guys who's ever really gone into a depression.

I've never been a guy. I mean, maybe when I like 13 or 14 when I would listen to songs like Seasons in the Sun or some crazy, you know, maybe for a little bit, but I'm not full of angst. I've never been that way.

I've always been kind of positive. I've always like my my glass is always full. And uh even when I don't even have a glass, my glass is full.

Even when there's not even anything near a glass around me, my glass is full. I've always been able to be positive. But this night was different and I got really depressed and I was going to check out.

I was really just going to check out and I took my roommate's car uh and I just cut off a piece of hose and I went out to die. And I think about this and I talk about this because you know at the age of 21 like people come in alcoholics anonymous I'm so young today and it's such a gift because at the age of 21 I was done like I was done. I was drinking daily.

I could not control the amount of alcohol I drink. I would start drinking. I would say I'm only going to go to you know uh the Wildcat House for an hour and I would be there till shut down.

You know I'd be passing out all over the place. I I I was I was a train wreck and I was done this night and I went out to the desert and I started uh pumping fumes into my car and uh you know like my kids are here. If you see me with my kids like I'm so blessed.

I I didn't have a my daughter wasn't born till I was 40 years old. Like I never thought that was on the on the card. I didn't think it was on the table.

And I'm thinking how close I would be to miss it all if I'd gone through what I was going to go through that night. And I was writing letters and I and I hadn't had a selfless action or really a selfless thought in at least two or three years. And I started to write a letter to my mom.

And this is I mean God spoke to me this night. It was real clear like you can't do this to your mother. My mother had buried a my brother Chucky died in 1967 of leukemia.

He was two years older than me. And I watched what that death did to my family. I watched how my mom buried her pain in a bottle and my dad buried his pain in work and I watched how that just ripped us apart and how painful that was.

And I kind of knew it, but I knew it really that night. I can't have my mom find me in a car. And uh and so I came out of the car.

I just unplugged it and I w and I and I still, you know, I remember like it was uh uh out in the desert if you're, you know, this is Tucson out in the desert and it was um like November, so it gets really cold. And I walked all night trying to figure out what I could do to fix my problem. And if you're going to fix a problem, you got to know what the real problem is.

And see, I'm really notorious at not really knowing what the real problem is. And what the real problem that I could see was I just didn't have enough money. It wasn't that I was drinking every day, that I was robbing drug dealers.

It wasn't that I was uh uh you know I owed tens of thousands of dollars to people. It wasn't It wasn't any of that. It was I just didn't have enough money.

If I could just get money and I was making seven bucks an hour painting houses. I knew that I mean I did the math. That ain't going to work.

And uh so I drove into town and I robbed the bank. And uh and it was plain as that. I didn't have a plan.

It's not like I you know like I love watching cop and robber shows where they plan everything. That wasn't my gig. I had my roommate's car for one and I had no gun.

I had a note. I had a pen and I I did park about block and and and this is how it went. I was uh 5 foot one about 90 lbs.

That's a real about what I weighed maybe 95 on a good day. I was really kind of strung out and I uh walked into the bank and I wrote a note and the note said uh I have a gun because I wanted I didn't and I didn't want to cause a commotion so I waited in line because I think you you know like you should just wait in line if you're going to rob a bank. I mean I don't want anyone knowing I'm robbing it because I think that the lady behind the counter could have definitely tackled me and beat me to a pulp, right?

And uh I said this I have a gun. I have a gun. Give me $50 or I'll kill you.

That's what I said. Whatever. And it was kind of like, you know, walking up and like h handed her like, "Hey, lady down here." And uh so uh she gave me $50.

She slid a $50 bill and then I ran. And I remember I remember like having this freeze. We looked at each other and I'm sure her eyes were like, "You're an idiot." And I ran and I got to my roommate's car and I drove to 7-Eleven.

I got a 12-pack of Budweiser and I just I remember drinking two or three four real quick. I mean, just dr and I just got and then I realized I got to do something different. So, I went all the way across town and I robbed another bank an hour later.

And when I got arrested, the FBI told me, they said, "You know, we were doing a bank robbery seminar at that bank when we got the call for the first one you did." And we got out, we closed shop, we went across town. As we're driving across town, you drove and must have crossed path and robbed the bank we were doing that seminar at. They were really worried.

They had like some mastermind, you know, and I'm sure until they read the note and they're like, "Okay, come on." And then I went to work the next day. You know, I remember uh I went to work and this guy, this guy Dave who I was working with, he was an engineering student at University of Arizona and he really smart guy and he dropped out and I had brought him right into all the mix of my madness. I mean, I was doing everything with him and uh I destroyed this guy's life.

If if if for a second I don't think that I have power over other people in the sense of he got sucked right into my madness and I destroyed this man's life. And he asked me the next day, he said, uh, he said, they saw it on the news, you know, 17-year-old Rob's Bank, that's what they called me. They said I was 17.

I was insulted. Uh, I was 21. Are you kidding me?

I couldn't grow facial hair. I mean, I probably looked 17. So, he asked me, he said, cuz he knew I was hurting financially, and I played it off, but I and I'm like I'm like the actor, man.

I'm like so jackal and I'm so different, you know, like I Nobody believed it. Nobody. And then about 6 months later, I just take my boss's van and drive into town and rob another bank during lunch hour.

And uh and I really believe in my mind that that this is just never going to end. Like whatever, you just need money, just go get it. How cool is that?

You know, like you just go get money, they'll just give it to you. I mean, they don't even ask. They just all you got to do is say you got a gun.

Like boom. And they like, "Okay." And uh completely clueless that I was really making the FBI pretty angry. And uh and anyway, to make a really lame story, right?

I mean, come on. $50. And I and I uh got arrested.

I got arrested two weeks later. And what h well, here's what happened. This type of guy, just a description of the guys I run with.

When I came home after the second bank robbery, about two weeks after this, the third bank robbery. Uh and this again, this is 6 months later. So, I got three bank robberies in six months.

My picture comes out in the paper. It wasn't me. It wasn't my name.

It was just a picture like 88 crime. If you know this guy, he's wanted for three bank robberies. And my roommates in their like pot smoking haze had clipped it out and put it on the refrigerator.

I'm assuming they did that before they started smoking weed that night, but they whatever they they clipped it out and I came home from work and I did what I did. I brought my booze. I put it in the refrigerator and that picture was there and my knee started to buckle and I composed myself really good and I just like I brought it out.

I just ripped it out. I said, "What's up? What's up with that?" And they're like, "Dude, man, some dude's running around town.

Robin Banks looks just like you." And I'm like, "All right." And so I didn't do anything. You I didn't run. I didn't go on the run.

Didn't go to Mexico. I'm in Tucson. I'm like really close.

I could have I just didn't think I didn't think inability to really see the truth. I was just so blind. I was so crazy.

I can't even believe today when I tell this story how really insane my life was. And then uh then I got arrested two weeks later and my dad bailed me out. My mom and dad bailed me out.

They got me a lawyer and the lawyer told me the truth. I was going to go to prison for 10 years. And uh and two weeks before I went to trial for that bank robbery, I robbed another bank.

I told you I'm not a quitter. I mean, when you're 21 and you think you're going to jail for 10 years, 30 is like ancient. I know there's a bunch of young guys here.

30 is like old like that. You don't even think you're going to live past 30 the way I was running my life. So, I was just like, yeah, you know what?

Who cares? Three in the bucket. Might as well just do one more.

What's the use? And uh and that was a I can't even tell you. I didn't have enough time to tell you how I mean I did a really good makeup job and I got a die pack and it blew up in the parking lot.

It was a nightmare bankrupty, but I got away with it on a Friday because I know I'm going to party all weekend. I know I'm going to get through the weekend before they look at the tapes and do anything. I know that.

And Monday they arrested me and I went to prison and I and I did nothing in prison. I did nothing to better my life. I didn't go to NAA.

I didn't go to CA. I didn't go to therapy. I didn't do anything in prison but learn how to make wine and make connections all across.

You know, federal prison is like notorious for making connections around the world. And so I just didn't do anything but play the game. And some of that was to save my life.

When you're 5 foot one and you weigh 95 lbs and you're going into a federal penitentiary, like you learn to get along and you learn to play the game. Anybody watch Game of Thrones? just my new favorite show.

Like I was totally playing the Game of Thrones way back before they even invented it, man. I was like I wasn't like Tyrion. I wasn't that small.

But I was still like I learned I have no idea where that came from. I didn't look I prayed. So don't even judge me.

I am so off the hook. So nothing. I get out and I think I'm 28 years old.

I think I'm just going to I think I'm just going to start my life over and I would do nothing. There was no such thing. Tom Paul told me this.

He goes, "There's no such thing as a gate conversion. There's no such thing as guys going to, you know, like not drinking or not partying for 8, 5 years, you know, 10 years, whatever." But truthfully, I wasn't even sober. I was barely sober when I left.

I this idea that I'll change my life. And I got out and they told me the conditions. Here's the conditions you have to stay on parole.

And I violated them all because I'm not alcoholic, so I'm going to drink. I won't do drugs, but I I I won't drink. But when I start drinking, I I'm a blackout drinker, man.

I don't know what happens when I drink. I go places. I wake up in places.

I don't know. So I went back to prison for a year and the only difference between this last one. So after seven years in prison, the only thing that happened was my mom, and this is why I love Alanon.

My mom was in a bowling league. My mom never really entered Alanon. But I'm telling you right now, a lady in Alanon who was on my mom's bowling league told my mom the truth.

She made my mom's business her business. She told my mom the truth and she said, "You are killing your boy. Stop saving him." I never know who this woman is, but this woman saved my life because my mom wrote me a letter and said, "You cannot come home.

I love you too much to watch you die in my house." And when I made amends to my mom, I went into resentment inventory hating my mom. woman. How dare her not pick me up?

I'm 20. I'm 28 years old. How dare her not save me?

Right. I went in inventory that way, came out owing her a huge amount of amends. When I saw my mistakes, how I realized that I made my mom do that.

When I saw the truth and I made amends on my mom and I remember telling her and this is what she told me and and I to this day it's still like when we say we're not regret the past, I got to tell you I'm not there yet with this because I still regret making my mom do this. I still there's still a regret around this is my mom told me is I made amends to my mom and I was like four or five months sober and uh she I asked her if there you know I told her what I was going to do blah and I did the whole mense the way Kenneth told me to and then I said is there anything you want to share and she said yeah I got lots to share and I sat down and my mom's a talker and she during this process told me she said you know it was harder to write that letter to you than it was to bury your brother Chucky. And that's not dramatic for my mom.

That's like legit in-your-face truth. Like that's the truth. And I couldn't get I couldn't understand.

Four months sobriety. I could not wrap my head around that. And I asked her, I said, "What do you mean?

Like I don't get that." She said, "Brian, when Chucky had cancer, when he got leukemia, we gave him to the doctors and said, you know, fix our boy. Like please fix our boy." But with you, with you, I'd put the letter in the mailbox and then I'd go pull it back. I'd put the mail and it wasn't until your father put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Let him go." And the lie I brought in Alcoholics Anonymous for a while and initially was, you know, why don't you just get off my back and leave me alone so I'm not hurting anybody but myself.

And uh so I ended up at this New Beginnings treatment center in uh downtown Tucson and I'm not alcoholic and I got to be there for four months and they tell me I can't drink and I can't use drugs. And I said, "So I can do I cannot drink for four months. I cannot do drugs.

I have $60 to my name. I'm 29 years old, but I'm not alcoholic. I have $60 in my name.

That's it. I got no bank account, no I got the clothes on my back. I'm homeless.

living downtown in Oracle and Grant, right next to the Noel Motel, quality neighborhood. That's not where I planned on being. I grew up with a pretty decent home.

Always had things. Now I got nothing. The first day out, I walk out and I end up in a liquor store.

The first day I got to go look for a job from 8:00 to 5:00. I find myself in a liquor store and it's not even really a thought. I mean, sure, there's a little bit rationalization going in there like, I don't have to be back till 5:00.

I haven't had real alcohol in a year. Who are they to say I can't drink? I'm not alcoholic.

Of course I can drink. Got a bottle of vodka and went across and got in a brown paper bag and went across to the park with all the other winners and started talking about how wrong society was. Took a few shots and it was magical.

It the angst and the just the uncomfortableness, the restless, irritable and discontent that was just reaping through my veins. It all went away. It was like the fear of what am I going to do?

Once I start drinking, all that fear goes away. Man, I'm like, I got the world. Even though I'm homeless, I got nothing going on.

Once I put some booze in me, man, I'm the master of my universe and I'm all good. And uh and I I drank a few drinks and I shut it down. I did that for three days.

And the fourth day, I didn't want to come back on property without booze because I was And when I came back on, it was a lockdown. I would think about alcohol all night. Like, why didn't I bring some back?

Fourth day, I brought it back. I got drunk, went to bed at midnight. They breathalyzed me at 1:00.

My professor came on Monday and instead of sending me to prison, he told me something that was magical. And even to the even to the day, the last day I talked to him, I was about six years sober because I'd call him every year on my anniversary and say, "Hey, Tim." Cuz he told me something. He said, "I want to sit you down." I remember he called my name over the PA.

They said, "Brian Purgos," to the to the front office. I brought my little commas, you know, my my cosmetic, you know, shampoo and toothpaste. I don't want to do powder.

And I I have my little bag here. And he says, "What's that?" And I said, "Well, you're going to lock me up. I you know, this is my stuff." He goes, "Uh, why don't you sit down?

I want to talk to you." I said, 'Okay.' He says, 'Look, I've been a member of Alcoholics Anony for 7 years, and I'm going to tell you something. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm going to give you a break.

Like, sending you back to prison for another 8 months is not going to fix you. You keep thinking you're a drug addict, and you may be, but you, my friend, are an alcoholic. And I'm going to recommend to the parole commission that you go to AA.

And you have to go every day you're here. And if you miss one meeting, if you get one write up at this halfway house, if you don't do what they ask you to do, I will violate you. And I don't even know why I'm giving you this break, but I'm going to do it.

And I don't even know if the Pearl Commission is going to be okay with it, but I'm going to do it. And I started to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I started to go to this place called the Northwest Alano Club in Tucson, and I used to take the bus there, which was insulting to a guy of my stature.

I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm shorty P, man. Come on. Are you kidding me?

I take the bus, you know. You know, I'm a gangster. You know, fact, I didn't tell anybody.

I only got $50 on the bank on my bank until my wife found out. Then she's like, "You need to start being honest with people." You know, uh, got on the bus, I go to the meetings. And I tell you, I was so afraid to go to AA, but I went to AA.

Uh, I had some magical ones where I met Ken, Ken W, my sponsor. I met him in those meetings. I uh, I didn't like him because there was in that meeting there was like three different groups of people.

There was people who uh were talking about four steps and amends and big book and inventory and God and that stuff. And there was another group in that meeting who were talking about just don't drink and go to meetings and just don't drink go to meetings and sometimes you go to topless bars. And then there's another guy another group and they were talking about therapy and teddy bears and look I'm a the path of least resistance.

This looked like work that's too fufu for me. But these guys going to clubs and you know like not drinking, I can do that. I underestimated the power of alcoholism.

And so I just underestimated and so I hung out with these guys. I did nothing for my recovery. I did nothing in alcoholic synonyms, but I went to a lot of meetings.

I went to two meetings a day. I was a meeting maker. I made it to meetings.

What happened is at nine months I started going insane. I got a job at a treatment center being a jockey, which is like, wow, weird, huh? And uh don't even like horses.

I didn't like horses that much. And I I went there and and I was going to twins a day. Nine months I went I started dealing drugs in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Don't do that. It's not a good job for a newcomer. And then I drank.

Two weeks after my year anniversary, I drank 3 months 93 from March from January to March. I mean, late December to March, I was drinking every day while working at a treatment center. I was I was drinking every day.

And I would get up and I'd say, "That's it. I'm not going to do it again." And I' after the second AA meeting, I would find myself at a bar. I'd drive back drunk to this treatment center, sneak on property, and go in, lock my door.

It was crazy. It was insane. From March 1st to March 6th, I thought about nothing but killing myself because AA didn't work.

or I could rob banks in Phoenix and then go to Vegas and be a poker player. Now, you laugh, but I'm telling you, with that thought in my head, I would have took that one. On March 6th of 93, a guy walked into my trailer, a running partner of mine, an AA, what I call my AA road dog.

Everyone has one. And him and I were running hard together, and he pulled my card, and he said to me, "How long have you been sober?" And I was insulted because he got my year anniversary 3 months ago. So, I'm like, I thought it was a trick question.

But deep down, I knew he knew. People around me were watching me die and he said what everybody else was saying. He goes, "Look, man.

How long you been sober?" I'm like, "Dude, you're at my university." "No, how long?" And I started to get up because I was going to bow up to him. And I started to get up and he got in my face and he's not a violent guy. He's all tattooed up, but he's like a uh you know, he he's like a Buddhist.

I always thought he was a Buddhist at this moment, you know, which I don't know if there is some, but he would definitely he he looked like an angry Buddhist. He got in my face and he said to me, "I love you like a brother. I'm not going to watch you die.

How long you've been sober?" And I completely surrendered on that day. I don't know why on March 6. I truly believe there's two major surreners that have to happen.

Surrender to the bottle and then I have to surrender my will. And on that day, I surrendered both. I just I just started crying.

I couldn't stop. I was scared. And the guy who owned the treatment center, I thought he was going to kick me out.

And I I was like, "Where am I going to live? I'm homeless. My parents don't want me." And he called me up.

He said, "You can't work for me." I said, "I know that, Ted." And he says, "But you can be a patient if you'd like to be." I went from driving the vans to the meetings to being a client within a day. And I had I I had a choice. I didn't have to do that.

I could have left. And I remember my wife's in the room today. I remember sitting on the couch and I wanted to I wanted to run so bad.

I wanted I did not want to sit in the circle and say I've been drinking and people held on to me, man. People held on to me. I was so I would have died.

I would have been I know I would be dead. And I sat through that scariest thing I ever did. Get real.

Be authentic. Just to be authentic. I'm a failure.

I failed one more time. Okay, we love you. Let's go.

And I got Ken. I remember I was 2 days later, March 8th, I got I went to an AIM meeting and I asked Ken W to be my sponsor. And I knew I needed him.

He wasn't a big like out there kind of guy, you know? He was just a common like run-of-the-mill solid member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He was solid and he was spiritual.

He was my age. He was 29. Well, I was about ready to turn 30.

I just turned 30. He was born the same year. He had seven years sobriety.

I had nothing. And I said, ' Will you sponsor me? And he said, 'Absolutely.

I would love to sponsor you. And he gave me his big book. He said, "Here." And he said, "I want you to read page 84 to 88 and I will see you on Tuesday." This was Sunday.

Monday I stayed at the treatment center. Tuesday he came out and visited me. And he told me to remove from my idea that I'd actually been in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz I had not been in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He said, "What do you think Alcoholics Anonymous is? There's only one program. It's the 12 steps.

Did you do that?" I said, "No. Then don't lie to yourself. Don't act like you've been in AA.

You were just hanging out with a bunch of people. Don't drink and maybe they were in AA, but you're just a you you're like a tourist here. He didn't say that, but that's what he should have said.

That's what it was. I mean, I was a tourist in AA. I was just visiting.

Hang out. You know, you guys got nice nice view. You know, I'm not going to do anything.

And uh he started to walk me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. He walked me to God. It was the journey that I needed.

And I was such an atheist. I was so angry at God. I was so mad.

In fact, I hated the solution. I did not like the solution that you have. Didn't want it.

I remember even telling us, "I don't even like your solution." He said, "You don't have to like it. You just have to do it." And we started this journey through the 12 steps. And my journey through the 12 steps have completely transformed my life.

I am not the man I was 20 years ago. I'm telling you. But I can become him.

Oh, I can go back just because I've been awakened. Just because I'm a recovered alcoholic. I do not live in the delusion that I can't drink again.

I I'm real clear. If I stop treating my spiritual nature, I'm telling you, if I don't grow spiritually and I've got very sick and alcoholic synonymous, I met my wife in that rehab. I know all these sponsors right right now, if you got a newcomer next to you, fold their ears.

I met my wife in treatment. There's only two people the the two people in this room who know me the most is my wife. She's known me for 20 years.

Well, she's known me for 21 years cuz she likes to say she'll be 21 years sober in July. So, she's got nine months more than I do. Whenever I get my year, like when I get when I get 21, she'll send me a text say, "Oh, I remember that was such a cute time when I got sober." That's what she'll send to me.

Trust me, she will. She's like my moral fiber. I'm telling you, that woman there grounds me.

Left to my own devices, man. And I am a I'm this I'm an egoomaniac. I remember uh when we met in treatment then we moved out and then we got a year sober and uh and I was in the process of you know and I would go around and I I was like Kenny said like you got to make you got to you got to make before you move to Maine.

I was moving to Maine. I mean when you're you're I'm from Tucson, Arizona, California. My wife was from Maine.

She wanted to move there. That's a typical newcomer move right from the desert to New England. But I was game.

Like I'm in like I did this third step. I wrote this inventory. I did this fifth step.

I'm game. Let's go. I started making amends and I'm not going to get down to the mechanics, but I'm going to tell you some of the journey that I've had on some of what's happened on the transformation about me and my relationship with my family, my career, who I am as a man, a father, a husband.

I'm not capable of doing the things I do without God's aid. I'm not capable of doing it. Trust me.

My run my life on my will got me homeless, a convicted felon. destroyed every relationship. At a year sober, we moved to Maine and me and my wife had to grow up in Alcoholics Anonymous because they weren't doing AA the way they should be doing AA in Maine.

Well, and they probably there's some truth to that. And I would take my I was in my evangelical phase. I was a um well, I say I I don't want to put her in the P, but I would say I would do drivebys.

We would do drivebys and a meetings, put it that way. We would basically go and do drivebys at a meetings and uh and we were young. I mean I I'm 11 years older than but I'm still a baby.

And we were like one two years sober and we there was no big book in our area. There was nothing but we were so hungry. Mary the was up in Brunswick about an hour north but I didn't know who she was you know and we were down in the mid coast area and we were on fire man.

We loved alcoholics and honors. We went to so many meetings. We started so much drama in our area.

I mean eventually you grow out of that but we were like you know and and I'm not proud of that but I definitely was not practicing the principles that I was talking about. I mean love and tolerance of others is our code. Oh really?

Okay. Uh a respect for their opinions and viewpoints doesn't mean you know let's just take that page out of the big book. I don't even know why it's there.

We avoid retaliation argument hardly. And I would hide it behind a self-seeking motive which is they're killing alcoholics here. Don P told me, he said, "Brian, you change aa one drunk at a time, sit down with a man, break the book open, guide him to God." But I wanted to do it grandiose.

And uh and I started getting involved in Alcoholics Anonymous at a very passionate level. I'm as passionate today. I said, "Well, I'm so grateful." I I made amends before I left to like I would go into Walmart and I remember uh well, here's an amends and I'll tell you what happened.

And this kind of ties in cuz well I got about what time did we end? >> 11:4 11:30. >> Okay.

I'm going to tell you some things that happened in the most recent which have been have a huge impact on me. So my dad died a year ago and it was one of those real sudden things. We me and my wife and my kids were there in October the previous year and he was healthy.

He was fine. It was good. And uh Okay.

Thank you. I thought you were ripping me off on time. I was like, I'm still going to tell this story even though it's a little premature, but I'm telling you, this is more recent stuff.

This happened a year ago, and I'm telling you, I'm so grateful. When we talk about the Fellowship of the Spirit, like three years ago, there's a friend of mine called me and he was dying. He had walked away from AA.

He was dying in AA and he called me up out of the blue and he instantly I'm in the I'm in my parking lot talking to him and he's dying. He's like, he doesn't know how close he is to a drink. And instantly, my thought, I need to give him Mickey's number.

I said, you need to call Mickey. who's he? I said, "Well, obviously you don't know who he is cuz you're not going to AA meeting.

So, you need to go and call him." And he called Mickey, even though they're not really sponsored today, Mickey saved his life. And he told me that not even a week ago. He told me like if it wasn't for that.

So, I love that there's a fellowship of the spirit within the fellowship. I love that. And so, what happened uh a year ago, my my I I we visited I was living in Texas.

We moved I moved to Texas for a job and the kids and Khloe were in Maine. So, we were separated for 9 months. And I'd go back.

It was it was a okay time. And we've been separated before, not like badly separated, just situational separation. And uh I was sitting in uh Austin, Texas, Round Rock, Texas.

And I had this intuitive thought. My dad had been having some strokes. And everybody in my family said he was fine.

They're all like, "He's fine. He's good." I I even asked my brother, I said, "Should I go visit him?" Like he just got out of the hospital and he was back into my mom's home. And they said, "No, he's fine." I'm like, and I was just there six months.

So I listened to my brother and my mom and my other brother. And then about a week later, I came out of meditation and this thought popped into me. Like it was clear like listening to God is the key here.

I'm good at talking to God. I can ask away. But do I truly listen?

See, I'm believing that, you know, like if I really listen and God's voice is never loud for me. It's always and it's always in my voice. It'd be great if it was like, "No, do not do that." But it's that's never the way it is.

It's always in my voice. And so what happened is it was clear to me, you got to go see your dad. And it didn't make sense.

Everyone said he was fine. I remember telling Clay, I think I'm going to go see my dad. I think I'm going to go visit.

And uh he's at home. He's living at my mom. So he's back home with my mom.

And and I went back and I went back on a a Thursday or Friday. And uh within Sunday, he was in the hospital. He just started slipping.

And my mom was delusional. My mom was like, "He's fine." I'm like, "Mom, he's dying in the room." My mom was like, "No, he's okay." I mean, it was clear to me. I'm like, "Oh my god, my mom, she married to this man for 50 years.

She doesn't want him to die." And so, she's believing what she wants to see. And I had to call 911. I had to hold my mom and say, "Mom, he's dying." I mean, I would have to lift him up.

Me and my brother would lift him up and take him to the bathroom. He was dying. He's not okay.

911 came. Like, if you hadn't called, you know, he was going to die within a day. I mean, he was dehydrated.

She was doing what she thought was best, but he was dying. if I don't listen to God, I don't get there for that. I don't call my older brother and said, "You got to get down here." And I stayed for a few more days.

He went to the hospital and they they leveled him out. I thought he was going to be fine. You know, he just had it was they started working on they didn't really know what was going on.

I didn't know if it was cancer. And in my work, I had to go back to work and he was in the hospital and they said he was going to go to a nursing home and and then about a week, two weeks later, I get a text because that's how my family does it. They send me a text.

Who gets a text the day your dad dies? My brother, by the way, dad died. It was on a Saturday.

I happened to be going to Santa Fe for a work conference the next day. This is on a Saturday. My dad died.

I'm so glad I got to spend some time. I'm so glad I got to climb in bed with my dad and tell him I loved him. I'm glad that he got to see me healed.

He got to see a recovered son. He got to see his grandkids. He never believed it would happen.

I've been married to this woman for I'll be 19 years this year. I've never capable of having a relationship. He got to see all that.

The son he always deserved had arrived and he got to see it before he died. And I was going to Santa Fe and this is how it works. I mean, this is why I love the fellowship of the spirit because I have friends all over.

I have family all over the country. And I was telling Tom, I said, "Tom, what I'm going to come for a work conference. I'll be there Sunday." They pick us up and on Sunday we're speaking at a detox Sunday night.

Well, that's the deal. Monday night, I'm speaking at their home group. I don't even have time to think about my like sadness.

I mean, just get me busy. I mean, I do the work. I remember calling Chloe like, "Yeah, this al altitude I feel a little sad.

This I think the altitude's getting me." And she she goes, "Oh my god." She says, "Only you would blame like natural sadness on al altitude sickness. Your dad just died. It's okay to be sad.

And then on Wednesday, we went to Tom and Wenas and had dinner, homemade dinner. On Thursday, I got to go. And here's what happened.

I show up on Thursday. I start getting texts from guys that I used their car. And these are guys I made amends to that I had used their car in bank robberies.

I had I had stolen from some of them, but I had made amends. These guys shot me text saying, "Hey, we read that your dad's service was today. Can we go to your service?

Will you be okay if we show up to the service?" guys that I ran heavy and hard with, guys that I committed serious crimes with and that I really damaged because of Alcoholics Anonymous and I was to heal those relationships asked me. They wanted to be there for me. And uh when I got out of prison, the very first time or the last time that I got arrested, uh my dad had got me a job with his golf buddy who own he owned a pest control company and I I had a commercial account.

I mean, I shouldn't even had the account. I just got it and uh and I burned it to the ground. I got arrested.

I was on the run from the feds and the marshalss arrested me coming out of the 7-Eleven. Whole another fun story, you know, beating up a we're trying to assault a federal marshall. Don't do that.

Just want to let you know. I got really beat up really bad that day. And anyway, I had to make amends to this guy because I stole money and I and his, you know, they had to go he had to go get his car, his truck, his work truck from the 7-Eleven because his employee just got arrested by the federal marshals.

And I had gone I remember clothes with me when I went made amends. I sat in the parking lot. I said, "I'm really scared to make amends to this guy because he gave me so much." and I made amends to him, paid him back his money, and I healed.

I even golf with him for many years after. And uh and I hadn't seen him in years. And I was sitting on the day of my dad's service, and it was Saturday morning.

I was at this hotel by myself. And I was really sad. I was just like feeling like what you're supposed to feel when your dad's dead, you know?

I was just feeling what what it was. I was I was really present to God. Truly present.

And this phone rang and it was from a number I did not recognize. And it didn't make and I wasn't going to answer it. I just wasn't going to answer it.

And uh I I just picked it up and I said, "Hey." I said, "Hello." And he said, "Hey, kid. How are you?" And I knew the way he said, "Hey, kid." It was Al, the guy who owned this pest control company that I stole from and my dad's, one of my dad's best friend. And he said, "How you doing, kid?" And I said, "I'm not doing too good, Al." He says, "Yeah, I get that." He said, 'I just called to uh let you know a few things.

I said, ' Okay.' He said, 'First, I'm not going to make it to your dad's service. My wife will be there, but I can't make it. My son was murdered a month ago, and I'm down in the gall trying to figure out what happened, and I can't get I can't get there." I said, "Okay." He said, "But I want to tell you something that you need to know about your dad." He goes, "I golf with your dad and up until he couldn't golf anymore for at least 10 years.

And every time I golf him on Sunday, all he could talk about was how proud he was of you. How truly proud he was of you. You guys gave me that relationship.

And this guy made it his business to call and tell me that in the midst of his own pain. And I went to the service and I had to give a eulogy and uh I don't know what I said but in the uh in the audience where the very first sponsor I ever had Kenny some AA people like these people showed up for me and then in the audience were the guys I used to rob I rob I use their car for bank robberies. I mean these are guys I dealt drugs with we rob people with.

I mean these guys were like there for me. I was so like touched at the power of God that the healing of God I mean, when I say I'm blessed, I I mean that in a huge way because I can't even I really believe that I don't deserve the blessings that I've gotten. And a lot of it has been like I'm a guy and visual guy like I believe there's two wills, right?

There's God's will and mine and everybody has that. And when I was born and I know this because I have babies, man, they're so pure. Like my kids when they were young, they don't have any judgment about anybody, race, color, whoever, whatever.

I mean, they just don't care. And uh I started to slide this way. I walked so far from God.

And when I came back in, I was so far from God. I just couldn't even see the possibility of a relationship with my creator. Couldn't see it.

And everything in between was all the 12 steps just took everything and just connected me back to God. And as I started to go back, I've gone this way. And I've swayed pretty far.

You know, I I I I swayed when I was about 11 years sober. I used to tell Don, I started getting asked to speak a lot and I would tell Don, I called Don up and I and I met Don like back in 96. I really wasn't looking for Don.

I was looking for Joe H. I it was a funny Jo. I called him looking for Joe and Joe was in Australia.

Mary the kept telling me, "Don't get Joe. You need to get Don." I'm like, "Ah, you know, I was going to do a big book weekend and I I was a young I was a gunslinger, you know, I wanted Joe, you know, Joe and Mark." And so I went and I anyway, he wasn't there. And so I called me maybe his sponsor, that old guy Don.

And uh I remember calling Don up on a Sunday and he didn't know me from any goof calls him and I said hey I'm looking for Joe H and he goes yeah he's not he's in Australia. I said what about you? You do big book weekends.

He goes I've been known to a few. That's how I met the man and uh flew him out and had just and that started I mean a lot of people and uh as I got closer as I started I remember I was started get asked to speak. I remember calling Don one time and I said, "You know, I'm a little scared about this cuz I'm speaking a lot." He says, "Well, you should be." And that's not comforting.

That's really not comforting. He said, "You should be." And I'm amazed at how my ego will take the God the gifts that God have given it and then take ownership of it. That that's what happens.

My ego will take everything that God has done for me and all a sudden take ownership and say, "It did that." And I started doing a little gambling and my wife was in Istanbul, Turkey going to college. We didn't have kids at the time. Well, we well not when that happened.

We did end up, you know, when by the time it got all clean and I ended up uh well, I'll tell you another story because it's really important. Like if I can't share this from the podium that I shouldn't even be talking anywhere. I got so spiritually sick and alcoholics anonymous while I was actively speaking and sponsoring lots of guy and going into the prison.

I was a big mover in the prison. And I went to the prison every I just fell in love with prison work even while I was sponsoring lots of guys in there. I was living this dishonest life over here and I'd stopped gambling but the financial debt like God will never he'll never come anywhere I don't invite him and I just did not want to invite I invited him into my gambling but I did not want to invite him into my financial problems because it would have been the truth is I would have had to get honest to my wife and what would that make me look like?

I'd have to get honest to the guys I sponsor and this image I have about who Brian P is and it's all a lie. It's all fraud. there's nothing authentic about it.

And I was speaking at a young people's conference in Philadelphia and Khloe had found some stuff out about some stuff which is pornography. And she's like, "So, what's going on with this?" And I'm like, "Well, you know," and she says, "Is there anything else you want to tell me?" And I had all this huge financial debt that I've been sending all my bills over to my office and I was doing it that way, you know, like I was trying to pay it off one at a time and and uh and it wasn't working. And she said, "Is there anything else you need to tell me?" And I said, "No.

I lied to the woman I love. No. To protect my ego.

And the next day I went I spoke Friday night. The next day I went down to a young people in service workshop. And every and the guy was talking about what a great speaker the Friday night speaker was.

He's talking about me and all I I got physically ill. I started to get sick inside because I was a fraud. And I remember walking upstairs and I said, "Chloe, you want to put Quincy on a movie?" We were pregnant with my son.

And I said, "You need to put Quincy on the movie cuz I need to tell you some things and it may end our marriage." I remember when I came back on Sunday, she we went out to feed the horses and she said to me, and I remember I mean my grand sponsor was there taping the event and I and a guy that I sponsored came from Baltimore up to hang out with me and I was a broken man. I was just like I was I was ground zero one more time. And uh I I walked out to the barn with her to feed the horses.

And she looks over at me and she says, "You broke my heart?" I mean, who does that? A selfish, self-centered alcoholic who's invested in his ego. That's who does that.

You know, this woman that I love so dearly. You know, I haven't raised my voice to her. Like I I used to hang this hat like I haven't raised my voice in an argument to her, nor has she raised her in probably 16 17 years.

And I just realized something today, like I don't do that because it's disrespectful, but the the level of dishonesty in our relationship was just as disrespectful. It was nothing less. So I I hang my hat on this fact that I don't yell at my wife and we don't raise our voices.

And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It's a really good thing. I mean, I got an 11-year-old daughter.

My daughter has lived with us for 11 years. She's watched how I've treated her mother for 11 years. When they say practice these principles in all our affairs, that's what they mean.

And I'm telling you, my daughter has never seen me disrespect her mom outwardly. But this backdoor disrespect is just as painful. But I know this.

When my daughter starts dating and some boy starts disrespecting her or raises his, she's going to know like that ain't how a man treats a woman. And as equally important is my boy knows how to treat a woman. He knows how his dad treats his mother.

And he knows how to treat a woman by how I live my life. When I started doing work in the prison system, man, I got to tell you, there's some people in this room. We did a fs in prison.

We did a a f three-day fs inside the main state maximum security penitentiary. I remember calling Tom and said, "Cash in your miles. I need people." And Jeff came and and Tom came and Ken W came and we had Jeff uh Gerald was there.

We we went in and we did a FS inside the prison. We ate lunch with the inmates because Don told me real clear when I started doing work in the prison. I was like, "Nothing's working.

They're not they're not they're just going to Amy." He said, "Well, do something different." So, I started taking guys do the 12 steps in prison. I started doing fifth steps in prison. I started for 14 years.

I went every week and not to pat myself on the back because that's what God would have me be. It's so selfish to be awakened and to not share that. I remember going in and sitting down with men who were broken.

This why I know my kids. I remember these guys used to come out to our meetings when we went to the farm. And I'll never forget it.

This guy was his name is Lance. Just a bulking FTW tattooed in his forehead. You know, like that's a commitment.

I mean, he's a scary individual. And I remember I didn't even think my daughter was like four and I said I some sponsor he came into our home group and they used to come to our home group uh and when they were at minimum security they could come in. I remember giving Lance my daughter.

her. I said, "Here, hold Quincy." And he just held her like this. He would never, you know, he'd been in prison so long.

He was like frightened. And he told me, and I didn't cuz I didn't think about it cuz I said, "I don't see the outside of you. I see the inside of you." And my daughter only saw that.

And I remember my daughter was around. All these inmates would come over the house, you know, they because they'd come out and they'd end up staying local. And uh I remember I was telling Chloe, I said, I think I can't it was out of meditation.

Like we got to tell I got to tell Quincy my story. I got to let her know. I mean, she's going to know.

Oh, now the inmates are talking. These guys are coming over. They know my story.

I mean, it's going to come out. And I I I was going to go skiing with her. I was going to spend all day.

And I told Claire, I said, "I think tonight's the night. I think I'm going to tell Quincy. She's 8 years old.

I think she's mature enough to know what the story of her dad. I'm not going to tell her the de like in a in a general way. I mean, and uh and I remember sitting down and I said, "Hey, honey." I said, "Dad, I I need to tell you something." And she said, "Okay." And I said, "So," and I told her that I'd been to prison for seven years.

And as soon as I told her, I said, "I just want to let you know that I've been to prison for seven years. I spent all my 20s in prison." And she burst out crying. I had that momentary thought like, "Did I do something wrong?" And she just was crying.

And I go, "What's going on, baby?" And she goes, "You must have been so lonely." And she just held me. She came and held me. And she's like, "This is the gift of of children being raised in alcoholics anonymous." She said, "You must have been so lonely." I said, "Yeah, baby.

I was pretty lonely." And she stepped back and she wiped her tears and she said, "Is that why you go into the prison? Is that why you help those guys?" I said, "Yeah, it's exactly why I do that." I'm going to end with a story. I ended with it all the time.

It's I I don't think it loses luster because it's been something that was amazing to me and it's still amazing to me. uh when Don had taught me and I'm talking like Mickey came in. I've had lots of heavy hitters go into the prison and do workshops with these guys and uh I do group we do group third steps you know I get we have 20 guys and we just go through the book together.

I take them right through the book doctors all the way through and then we do a group third step and then they write fourth step and I do fifth steps or they started doing themselves now they sponsor themselves now they do it themselves not just doing the but one time I had a lot of heavy guys and uh it was a rough crew I mean they challenged me and they were testing me and but they started to surrender to the process and we did this uh group thirdep prayer in this room and it was a glass windows and all the other inmates could walk by and see it and every time I must have been 30 groups I ran I did third steps I said so we if you're if I spont you on the streets, we're going to kneel and we're going to say this third step prayer together. How do you guys want to do it? And they're like, do it like on the streets, you know, and they pull the chairs back and and we started praying.

We did this prayer and I don't get visuals. I'm not that type of guy. I'm not a spiritual being that gets I don't get I mean, I hear God a lot and sometimes I pay attention.

When I don't, I get in trouble. I pay attention a lot more today. But I got a visual of what my recovery had been like.

And it was instant and it happened really sudden. And uh and I question on whether I should share with the inmates. I said, "Hey, I'm going to share something that just happened to me.

It's never really happened before." I said, "Here's what it was like." I said, "I just got this idea that I was like in this dark, dark forest of alcoholism. I was dark forest of alcoholism. I mean, I couldn't find my way out.

I was stumbling around. I was walking in the trees, rocks. I just couldn't get out." And I met this guy named Ken W.

And Ken appeared and he said, "Hey, you want to get out of here?" here. And I said, "More than anything," he said, "Well, then follow me and do everything I do." And I followed him and I did everything he did. And all of a sudden, I this the trees opened and I smelled like it was fresh air.

I took a deep breath and the sky was blue and the grass was green. It was just beautiful. And he took a deep breath and he goes, "All right, let's go back in and get two more." And we go back in and we get two more.

And then four of us walk out and we take a deep breath and we go back in and we get four more. That's Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm forever grateful for the men who walked before me, the men and women who trudge this road.

Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.