Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Thanks, John.

Can everybody hear me? Okay. >> Alcohol was my master.

And my name's Ed Buckley. >> I was uh I was raised on the west side of Cleveland, old Brooklyn area, Memphis Avenue. And uh the the home I was raised in, I I I I was raised by a single mom that that had divorced my dad when I was about two.

So I was raised I never met my dad while I was growing up. And uh we lived there with my mom and her parents. And uh because because my mom lived with her parents and and they, you know, she was able to work while my grandma had watched me, she could afford to send me to private schools.

So I I I was raised uh being sent to Lutheran school. And uh you know I I uh I I was taught, you know, when I when I'd leave the house to go play with my friends, my my grandma would always yell at me, you know, behave yourself, you know, be be a good boy. And and and when when I'd go to these Lutheran schools, you know, they they'd uh they tell me to be honest.

They they they tell me they they tell me to behave, you know, think of other people. be kind to other people. Um, not that not that AA is uh religious or anything.

I I I it's not. But I'm just telling you, you know, a little bit about uh how I was raised. Um I I I was sent to Sunday school.

I I I was a president of the youth group at my church. Uh, every night before I'd go to bed, my my grandma would take me and tuck me into bed as a child and and she would have me get down on my knees and and she would get down on her knees next to me, you know, and we used to say this prayer uh um now I lay me down to sleep, you know. I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake, I I pray the Lord my soul to take. And then then we'd ask God to bless, you know, everybody in my family and all my friends and everybody I knew, you know, a and and uh you know, I was active in the church and and and uh you know, I I just uh I I I had a good upbringing. I I believe I was brought up the right way.

Uh I must have been about 11 years old and and and my grandfather died. Now, he he was like my dad to me. He was like a best friend to me.

He was the only male figure I knew. And I thought, "How the heck could a God let something like this happen to me? How could how could a kind, loving God let this happen to me?" And I become very angry.

I become very hurt. I I I didn't want to ever feel that kind of pain again. I I I didn't want to be close to anybody else in my family ever again.

I I I quit doing things on family functions. I I got kicked out of the Lutheran school that they sent me to because they would my my mom wouldn't let me uh switch schools. I ended up getting out of that going to uh Griswald High School.

where you could get away with a lot of stuff at Griswald. No discipline at that school. There's none.

And and I I hung around guys that were just like me. Guys that that isolated themselves from other people, guys that were loners, you know, guys that like to do things that that were wrong, you know, every now and then, you know, just just do a little something wrong and get away with it to feel good. and and and then shortly after that I I I I found alcohol, you know, right around that time.

I discovered alcohol and and and and I loved it so much that that by the time I was 17 years old, I I was in Glen Bay three different times and and and my first time going there, they told me that after I was there for 3 days, I was going to have an intervention with my mom and grandma. You know, I I started thinking about this, you know, this intervention thing. I I'm going to, you know, I started planning it out.

You know, I can't wait. You know, I I want to tell my mom that, hey, we'd get along so much better if you just toss me a couple extra dollars here and there. You know, get off my back about my grades.

We'll get along a lot better, you know. Tell my grandma, you know, just let me hang around who I want to hang around with, you know, so so what if they steal, you know? counselor come and got me third day to go to this intervention and they told me I'm not going to be permitted to speak at this intervention.

I the counselor sat in the middle, I sat on one side and my mom and grandma sat on the other and and I had to listen to probably what was the most honest inventory I I've ever heard of myself. you know, they they they told me they they knew I was stealing money from them and it and it hurt them and and it hurt them that I talked to them disrespectfully. They they didn't teach me to use the kind of cuss words I was using.

They told me they knew I was lying and they didn't teach me to lie. They told me I was hurting them and they didn't teach me to hurt people. a and three days sober.

My my emotions are up and down all over the place and I'm listening to them tell me this and and I'm full of anger. I'm full of hurt. I'm wanting to lash out, you know, and the counselor wouldn't let me talk.

But then but then when they got done saying their piece, I I I was able to say mine. And I told them that that the only reason I drank and had all these kind of problems was cuz they never told me the truth about my dad. and and and for the first time in my life, my mom said, "You know, I I divorced your dad and hid you from him because he was a drunk and a drug addict, and we didn't want you to turn out just like he was." And and at the time, I I I'd never met my dad, but I hated him.

You know, I I I had the idea that I was an alcoholic, and I I blamed him. You know, it it was a genetic thing. It was all his fault.

and and and today I can tell you it just so happens in my case I happen to be an alcoholic like my father's an alcoholic not an alcoholic cause my father's an alcoholic but an alcoholic like my father and after after learning all this about myself when I when I left the when I left the rehab I thought I thought for certain you know I won't go back to being that kind of person I was you know I I was convinced I had learned enough. You know, they they did suggest that I come to these meetings and get a sponsor. Don't take that first one no matter what.

But but I was I was convinced I I had known enough already. And uh I went back hanging out with the same same friends and and I didn't pick up right away. Eventually I picked up.

Um, I I I met my high school sweetheart, got got engaged to her and and uh she drank just like I did in high school after we graduated. Uh, she stopped and wanted to grow up and be responsible and have a family and and I I I I uh I like talking about that, you know. I like talking about growing up and having a family, but you know, we'd make plans on the weekend and and and I I'd be off with my friends.

You know, I I I had I had every motive, every every uh want in my heart was to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her. But when the thought come into my head that getting drunk was the right thing to do, my priorities changed. She no longer became important part of my life.

you know, being honest to her was not a priority. You know, being there for her was not a priority. Once that once that thought come into my head, alcohol, you know, and I'd feel lonely when when I was with her.

and and and I I'd get an idea that if I hung out with my buddies at the bar, that loneliness would go away and I'd feel good, you know, and and I'd spend a weekend with my buddies, hanging out at the bars, hanging out at parties, you know, and the party be over, and I'd feel lonier than I was before I started off. You know, I get an idea. I got to get my girlfriend back.

I got to make up with her. You know, that's the only way this loneliness is going to go away. It's the only way I'm going to feel good.

You know, I'd get her back and and and and it seemed like it was okay at first, but no, I still I was still miserable inside. I I still had a lot of anger. I still had a lot of uh a lot of emptiness, a lot of loneliness.

Um we got in a big fight one day. She told me that that I uh I drank too much. And I told her if I if I wasn't going out with you, I wouldn't have to drink so much.

and she says, "Okay, well, we'll fix that." And and that that was it. She she left me. And and I was always able to kind of manipulate her to get her to come back in my life.

I was always able to kind of manipulate her back. And it wasn't happening this time. No matter how hard I tried, you know, I I was kind.

I I'd snap at her. I I I'd do whatever I could think of to to to get her to come back. And it wasn't working.

So, I tried these meetings and about three months three months I I had gotten her back and uh I I didn't learn I didn't learn nothing what doctor's opinion teaches you. I I I had no idea what an alcoholic really was, you know, the way the way the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous lays it out. But uh I was at a meeting and a guy stood up and said, "My name's Ron Buckley and I'm an alcoholic." You know, and I was with my buddy Ted at the time.

And I'm looking at my buddy Ted. Wow, this guy's got the same last name as me. I'm I'm wondering who he is, if if he's related to me by any chance.

So we go up and talk to him after the meeting and it turns out he's my uncle. You know, he says, "Yeah, I'm your dad's brother. I I think I think your dad's in a program, too.

How'd you like to meet him?" So, so he set it up for me to meet my dad and I met my dad for the first time at a uh AA meeting. I was about 20 years old at the time and uh go to the meeting. I figure out who he is.

We sat next to each other. Didn't say a word. Meeting was over.

We're still, you know, I I I mean, I know I was I was full of fear. I I I wasn't very good at socializing unless I was drunk. Then I could talk a little bit more.

But we're we're just sitting there. And uh you know, if if you're new and you you think you might have a problem with alcohol, there's absolutely no reason in the world to pick up, nothing ever gets better. Things only get worse.

You know, my my my dad says to me, he says, "Uh, this ain't no way for us to get to know each other. Let's go out and get drunk." And and at the time, I thought it'd be the coolest thing in the world to get to know my dad by going out and getting drunk with him. So after after the meeting went out and and for about the next three months I I I was drinking with my dad almost every day getting getting to know him.

After about three months of getting to know him I I I decided he was too big a drunk. I didn't like him. He lived in about five different places.

had about three, four different girlfriends and and it was just I I' I'd go to one place and he no longer lived there, you know, and and it was it was crazy. It was crazy. Uh my my fiance left me for good.

I I couldn't I couldn't con her or manipulate her to come back. There was just nothing left. And I I'm full of I'm full of emptiness and loneliness again, you know, going to the bars trying to get it trying trying to trying to feel good.

I I I meet a barmaid, you know. I thought, man, this is a solution with with this girl. I won't have to lie about my drinking.

You know, we could drink together. It'll be acceptable in this relationship. This is a relationship made in hell.

I uh I was mostly just a beer drinker up until this point. She she had liked to do shots a lot and uh she introduced me to Jagenmeister. Now that was that was me and that Jagen Meister.

That was another relationship made in hell. I started getting violent off of that stuff. um her being a barmaid, a lot of times a guy a grabber or something behind the bar and and I I didn't know how to I didn't know how to handle situations like that.

Most of the time it happened it'd be toward the end of the night and I'd be very intoxicated off that Jagger. I I I couldn't walk, let alone fight. And I I would get my arm dislocated constantly and sent to the hospital quite often.

And and I knew I had a problem. I knew I had a problem. The seed was planted.

I had been in rehabs before. I had been to AA before, but I I I I wanted this girl. I I was scared to get sober by myself cuz of that loneliness.

I couldn't stand to be lonely. I I couldn't stand it, you know. So, I I I tried to hang on to her and and get her to come to meetings with me.

I I'd uh drop her off at the bar. She quit working in the bar, but she'd still want to hang out there all the time. And then I'd go to a meeting and and after the meeting was over, I'd rush out the door to come to the bar to meet her and and uh I' I'd do my best to stay sober and uh I I I'd sit there for her to finish her last one- which which usually, you know, took about eight hours or so.

And and and this would go on and on for about 3 to four months. I I was able to stay sober. And and the one day I I I was I was already angry.

I was resentful. I wasn't happy. Um I I I I had bought in a house.

We were living together. You know, 23 years old. I I I had a beautiful house, a built-in pool in my backyard, a three-bedroom house.

I I'm working 60 hours. They're they're paying for me to go to school. You know, I'm I'm I'm I'm successful, but but but I I couldn't put the drink down.

I couldn't put the drink down. Um, we're I'm sitting there in the bar with her and and and uh she's laughing on Mr. Sober, all these all these jokes, you know, and you know, she's doing shots of Jerger right in front of me and and and I'm I'm just uh full of resentment and I couldn't take it no more.

I said, "Bartender, you know, let me let me have a bud and a double shot of Jagger chilled, you know, and and and that helped me deal with my resentment so much that that like about a month later, I I end up going in a blackout and getting a felonious assault charge." And I I was sentenced to 3 to 15 years in Mansfield. Um, out of that 3 to 15, I ended up doing four years. And and while I was in Mansfield, I uh I I had time to take a look at myself.

They they had meetings there. Uh people come down once a week and I I see a lot of them guys at meetings now that come down. Uh I try to figure it all out.

Um there there were guys down there we used to call penitentiary preachers. They they wouldn't even need a Bible. They they just start reciting every verse out of the world to you right out of the Bible, you know.

And because I was raised Lutheran, I could talk a little bit Bible, too, you know. I I was friends with these guys and we talked quite often, you know, and they told me they got God in their life and things are going to be different, you know, and and they're they're there just for a couple months. They go home, you know, a couple months later they're back again, and they're doing the same thing over.

they got God in their life, you know, John 3:16, you know, reciting all these passages at me, you know, and and they and they go home and come back again, you know, I I mention that because it put an idea in my head that God doesn't work. You know, I I believe I believe from what I know today that what these guys were missing was a spiritual experience that that that we get from from these 12 steps. You know, that's why they couldn't stay sober.

They were missing out on a vital spiritual experience that we get from these steps. But anyhow, after uh after uh leaving leaving the prison, I heard uh I heard John Clark lead on Tuesday. He says he says uh he he says uh God uh convict mentality.

Convict mentality. I left with that convict mentality. I I I call it uh penitentiary values or penitentiary morals.

You know I my my thinking had changed from being locked up. My thinking had changed from being locked up. I uh I thought I thought, you know, I after doing all this time in prison, I I could certainly drink like a man, you know, just on weekends when I want to, you know.

I I I I should have some kind of control on it, >> you know. I I I barely gotten drunk over the past four years, you know. Uh >> yeah, hooch.

Hooch. And we got some 151 in there a couple times and substances beside alcohol. And I wasn't sober if I was doing that.

Uh, I get out and my my parents that that my my mom and grandma and my aunts that that were there to visit me religiously every week, they wanted to come and pick me up, but I I didn't I didn't want them to come pick me up because I couldn't get drunk if they would have come pick me up. I had one of my old buddies come pick me up and I got drunk away coming back to Cleveland and I'm on parole drinking. drinking, it'd be an automatic violation of my parole, and I'm doing it as soon as I walk out the door.

Uh after after being out of out of prison for less than two months now, I swear to God, I wasn't going to drink and drive. And where I live on Memphis Avenue, I could walk across the street to Trio Tavern, down uh two blocks is Dena's Pizza, two more blocks down is Harry Buffalo. I don't know what they call it now.

And two more blocks is that uh Drew Cary Bar, the Warsaw. And across the street was a cinema. I used to love to hang there.

Two more blocks down Memphis Tavern. I used to love to hang out there, too. That shopping center there, Kenny's Tavern, Alco, you know, I used used to go to all them bars all the time.

I I I uh I I wouldn't stay at one bar for too long cuz I was always scared that something was happening in another bar and I was going to miss out if I didn't get there right away. But I'd walk to these bars and one night, one night, less than two months out, I'm I'm drunk and I run into somebody else that's drunk and I drive their car and get a DUI on parole. And uh they they they they was easy on me.

They were very easy on me. They could have sent me back, but they didn't. Uh put me on parole and probation.

But uh I kept drinking through it all, and I I didn't get in any more trouble. I I'm I'm still feeling empty inside, feeling lonely all the time, you know, going to the bars, you know, hopping from bar to bar to bar to bar trying to trying to deal with this loneliness, you know, and and then one day I get a phone call here. Here, here I got a uh halfb brotherther.

You know, my my dad had several children with with uh other women beside my wife or beside my mother. And uh he had had several children, one one uh one older than me, the rest all younger than me. and uh he said our grandma died and he he wanted to meet and uh the phone number he left got disconnected, but I I kept seeking them out now that I found out I had a brother and and I found him and and and I I thought that this was the answer to all my problems, you know, the the emptiness, the loneliness.

He drank just like me, you know. I thought it was all going to, you know, vanish away. me and my brother, you know, we're going to drink.

We're going to spend the rest of our lives getting drunk together, you know, family, you know, and God, a lot of people say drugs got them here quicker. I got to say, drinking with my brother that got me here quicker. He he he's a little crazy guy.

Uh his his mother was hillbilly and he was wild. Uh lot of lot of trouble. a lot of trouble in the bars and and I I'm I'm trying to find a job.

I'm having a hard time because now I'm a convicted felon a and I'm I'm getting drunk so much I'm starting to wake up with the shakes. Uh my my drinking's getting worse than it's ever been before in my life. I I'm starting to wake up and I'm getting pains in my liver, you know, and the only thing the only thought in my head is, man, if I just get that six-ack of tall boys, the the pain in my liver will go away.

And that used to be the first thing I do in the morning, you know, 9:00 as soon as that corner store would open up. If I if I could find $4 in my wallet, if I could steal it from my mother, if I stole it from my brother the night before, if I stole it off a bar table, if if I could get it from anywhere, you know, I I was drinking that six-pack of Tall Boys for breakfast, man. And and that that got me to stop shaking.

The pains in my liver went away. I I felt like a new man. And I I would say to myself every day that I'm just going to get drunk today.

I know I need to quit. I I know it's not healthy for me. It's tearing me up physically.

I I just uh I just kept lying to myself. I I was stuck. You know, I'm just going to get drunk today.

I I'll quit after this party Saturday. A whole bunch of guys are going out on Friday. I I'm going to quit after that.

and and I I couldn't do it. And and that emptiness, that loneliness inside was consuming me. I I I I never felt so empty, so lonely before in my life, you know.

I I I didn't want to live anymore. There there was nothing to live for. I I lost my house when I went to prison.

Anybody that I ever cared about was gone out of my life. All All the money I had was gone. You know, I I worked hard and lost a lot of money all gone.

You know, everybody close to me. My my own selfrespect, you know, the the one thing that I feared in life was was to be a loser. And and I felt like the biggest loser in my life.

All my life I wanted a brothers and sisters when I was growing up and now I got one. And what the heck kind of example am I? I'm I'm hanging out with my brother.

I don't have no money. I'm I'm mooching off of him, you know, and he's got a little kid and a wife to take care of and and I'm buming the money that that should be buying them food, you know, and man, I just uh I I hated myself. I hated myself.

And and and I I don't even mention all the rehabs I've been to cuz because I' I've been through a lot, you know. I I' I'd go, you know, for the weekend, the 30 days, whatever, you know, and I'd leave wi with the intention that I was going to get drunk one more time to reward myself or to say goodbye. And never stopped.

I never stopped. I'm I'm coming to these meetings constantly reintroducing myself every week. Sometimes reintroducing myself more than once in a week.

A lot of guys would tell me, you know, just go pray. Go pray. You're you're not staying sober because you're not praying.

And I'd go home and I'd pray. I' I'D PRAY, GOD, keep me sober. I don't want to live like this anymore.

and and and the pains in my liver and the shakes and the thoughts racing around my head. Wouldn't that go away? Wouldn't that go away?

I'd get an idea. Maybe I could just go across the street and hang out at the bar and sit with them guys at the bar and not get drunk. And as I'm sitting there, you know, two or three beers won't get me drunk, you know.

Then then then I'm wondering a couple days later what happened? How'd I start back up again? Angry at God because I asked him to keep me sober and it never worked for me.

Went to a meeting, got drunk right after the meeting. You know, a lot of times a lot of times during our father I'd be playing a drunk, you know, ju just because I sometimes I'd be feeling good and and a thought would come into my head, hey, you'd be feeling a heck of a lot better. You get that six-pack of tall boys.

you know, and and and that was all I knew was that thought that that thought came into my head and I believed it and I believed it or I I'd be feeling crappy thinking I need a six-ack of thaw boys to make me feel better. And one day I I'm I'm tore up, you know, people thought people used to think I I was drinking before I come to the meetings and now it was always it was always from the night before. But I I I didn't drink a morning and I come to a meeting and and this lady in in in her kindness seen me reintroducing myself over and over and she had about 20 years sober at the time and and she took me over to her husband and said, "Would you please please help this guy?" and a and and they started spending a little bit of time with me after the meeting, you know, and I wanted to get drunk.

I wanted to get drunk bad, you know, that them thoughts kept coming into my head, you know, and I I couldn't shake them. I couldn't shake them for nothing. And and and these people would talk to me, you know, and and and they tell me I don't have to live like that anymore.

and and they kept telling me if I stay sober things will get better, you know, a a and and I really didn't like these people because they were so kind. But but gradually I started to trust them and and I tell them what was going on my head. They'd uh I'd tell them I don't think I can stay sober because I don't have a job.

And they'd yell at me, "Don't drink. Go to meetings. You'll be sober." And and and the thoughts would be racing around my head.

I'd be trying to figure this all out. You know, trying to trying to figure out what's a what's what's a trick to this? What's a what's a big trick to this?

You know, and I I'd start thinking I said, "Man, I can't stay sober. I don't have a girlfriend." And they yell at me, "Don't drink. Go to meetings.

You'll be sober." and and I'd put my head back into my hands and and and I I just remember the thoughts racing around, you know, I I I'd come up with all sorts of ideas and thought to get drunk and keep popping up, you know, and it'd stay for a couple minutes and go away. And I I'd be thinking, trying to figure this out, you know, I I don't have a house. I don't have any kids.

I can't stay sober. Don't drink. Go to meetings.

You'll be sober. you know, in my head back in my hands, you know, and and this would go on night after night after night. I it didn't click for me, you know.

Then one day, I was sitting by myself and I come up with this brilliant idea. As long as I don't drink and go to meetings, I'm going to be sober. I started to get enthused about staying sober.

This is something simple. I could do this. it might work.

And and and everywhere I walked, don't drink, go to meetings. Don't drink, go to meetings. Don't drink, go to meetings.

I just kept telling myself that over and over and over cuz the thoughts that were racing around my head were not pretty. You know, especially that getting drunk thought that was coming constantly. You know, I knew there was hope.

As long as I don't drink and go to meetings, I got hope no matter what else happens. and and and and then they tell me I I should probably start working on being a little bit more honest. I thought, who the heck are you guys talking to?

I am an honest guy, you know. Then they pointed out how I kept trying to trying to lie myself into getting drunk, you know, and and they're they're taking me to meetings. They did my first 90 and 90 with me and and every night they they they'd sit up with me.

Now, this is this is a husband and wife that have five kids, you know, and they're sitting up with me till 2:30 in the morning every night because I can't I can't I can't drive past the bar without going into it. That that obsession was strong. It It gets It gets strong.

You might not have had it that strong yet. I guarantee you, you go back out. I I I've gone back out enough times to know it gets stronger.

It gets stronger. Um, they're they're they're taking me back to their house. They they they showed me how to make coffee in their own house.

You know, whenever I wanted a cup of coffee, pot of coffee, I could go ahead and help myself. And these people didn't know me. I was just a drunk showing up at these meetings, reintroducing myself, you know, and then they're telling me, you know, they're sitting up with me till 2:30 in the morning.

Then they're telling me if I if I feel like I'm in trouble after I leave, come back. Come on in. Make yourself coffee.

You know, there's a big book laying there, try to read it if you can. And I didn't understand what these people were trying to get from me. I didn't have no money, so I thought, "What the heck?

I'm going to take a shot." And and then they tell me I got to start trying to be a little bit more unselfish. I thought, "What the heck you mean me be unselfish?" I am an unselfish guy. I put a dollar in the basket.

I know you seen me because I waited till he was looking before I put it in there. and and and and then after the meetings, we're going back to their house and we're getting in the big book and they're explaining doctor's opinion to me, trying to help me understand why I can't take a first drink, what happens to me, you know, how it's an allergy. And I I I knew I knew if I had three or four beers, I'd start feeling kind of irritated and and would want more.

But they explained to me I couldn't take one because a craving had come about. You know, I knew I knew when I was engaged and I had every intention of getting married to my my fiance. I was not I was not drinking to escape any kind of reality whatsoever.

I I was drinking to escape a a craving beyond my mental control. and and and they took me through Bill's story and there's a solution. They they helped me they helped me understand how how I tried different ideas.

You know, sometimes I I tried just drinking beer, putting the Jagger on the shelf and I got DUIs, I got in fights, I got in trouble, you know, off of just drinking beer. And then there were times I I tried just drinking uh Jerger instead of uh instead of beer and that never worked out good. More about alcoholism.

We agnostics. That that was a real good chapter for me. We agnostics.

I think I made it clear how my feelings were about God. you know, how I hated them, how I didn't think he could work, how I seen other people say they they they were using God and and and they kept coming back to the prisons and and and how I hated God, blamed him for letting my grandfather die. They told me a con my own conception of God.

They helped me open my mind up. They told me, "Maybe something out there created you to live your life a different way than what you was living it." And and and and that gave me hope. Maybe something out there did create me to live my life a different way than when I was living it.

And I I took a chance on that. And and and the rest of these steps have been trying to help me be that person that a creator made me to be instead of the kind of guy that I wanted to be. and and we got into how it works, you know, and I I couldn't understand, you know, God, how come God won't work for me, you know, I I'm trying all these things, you know, why why won't God work for me?

God's not working for me, you know. And I got into how it works and and I explained it. Being a new employer, being all powerful, he provided what we needed as long as we stayed close to him and did his work well.

And I started thinking, no wonder God ain't supposed to be working for me. I'm supposed to be working for him. >> That's why he's God.

all the times asking God to do this for me and do that for me, you know, become time to start asking God, hey, what you want me to do for you? And I said that prayer in the book, that third step prayer. And then then I launched out, did that fourth and fifth step.

I must have had about six months sober at the time, I believe. After I did that fifth step, I started feeling feelings of gratitude. dude, I didn't even know existed before.

I I was happier than I ever was before in my life. And I'm wanting to do something for these people to thank them, you know, for all the time they spent with me and for how much they taught me about Alcoholics Anonymous in that book, all the time and everything they spent. And and and all they said was just thank God and do the same for another drunk.

Just thank God and do the same for another drunk. They didn't they didn't want nothing in return. nothing in return.

And and and then they pushed me into going back to school. You know, here here I am a scattered brain drunk. My my thoughts are starting to slow down.

I'm starting to think. I'm starting to be able to use my brain. And they they they pushed me into going back to school.

I had gotten associates degree in web development. Took two years. And and nine months sober, my grandma died.

I started thinking, man, a lot of a lot of my old thoughts came back. A lot of my old thoughts came back. I thought, you know, how the heck could God let this happen to me when I'm trying to live my life the way he wants me to live it?

You know, I become very angry, very confused. That that was kind of rough to deal with. But I but I hung on to the five most spiritual words that were ever taught to me in AA.

Don't drink, go to meetings. You know, don't drink, go to meetings. As angry as I was at God, them five words still still kept me coming back.

You know, I I I know from working the steps as much as I have, I I can't I can't hold on to anger. I can't hold on to any anger. It'll get me drunk, especially anger toward God.

about a year and a half sober. I I went through some other negative feelings. I didn't know what they were at the time.

You know, most most of the time I'm I'm happy, you know, through sobriety, feeling good all the time, but I still got to deal with them lows. And I I didn't know what it was at the time, but uh my my sponsor wasn't spending much time with me. And I'm I'm trying to work with new guys all the time that just ain't listening to me.

And and things just ain't things that just ain't going the way I want it to go. And and I'm I'm not I'm not too sure how to deal with all this stuff. And I'm starting to feel self-pity.

I didn't know what it was at the time, but I know today was self-pity. And uh I I I started talking to Chuck Walsh from the Newberg group and I I asked him to be my sponsor and and he started uh he started helping me think a little bit more positive, you know, started telling me telling me all the time, you know, hey, thank God you're not in that prison. Thank God you're sober.

Thank God you got a place to live. You know, thank God you got your license. Thank God you got that car.

You know, thank God you got your mother. and and and uh told me to spend a little bit of time in the metro parks, take a look at the trees and stuff in the metrop parks and just say to yourself, there's there's got to be a power greater than me to to have created all this beautiful stuff out here, you know, and and I I've done that. And and I I I still do it, you know.

Uh he started telling me before you go to bed tonight just ask God to come into your life. You know I I I started doing that. I found myself trying to seek God out a little bit more than what I was.

Um coming up on like about two years sober, Chuck had said something that really bothered me. He said, 'Are you really trying to do God's will? And that stuck in my head.

What the heck's that guy talking about? Am I honestly truly trying to do God's will? And I I couldn't stop thinking about it.

That that that question just kept going through my head. Are you honestly truly trying to do God's will? You know, I I I I had been a two pack a day smoker for over 20 years.

>> >> And I'm I'm looking at myself smoking and I'm asking myself, are you really truly trying to do God's will and and I I use these steps to quit smoking cigarettes right after that. And I had about my first week after quit. I I had tried to quit so many times drinking and just could never do it.

Here I am two years sober and I I quit for a week and I was I was so impressed that by using these steps I was able to do that. I had just accomplished something I'd never been able to accomplish before. I'm feeling great.

You know, I got this I got this all licked and and and my sponsor says to me, "I'm not impressed with what you did a week ago. What are you doing today to try to get closer to your God?" you know, and and and that made me think, you know, he says, the book says if we rest on our laurels, we're headed for trouble. I need people like that that they they keep me keep me going, you know, keep me trying to improve spiritually.

Um, shortly after two years sober, I I I gotten involved with the lady. I started dating her just after she got a year sober. And uh it was probably the best relationship I had ever been in in my life.

We uh we we started detoxing people occasionally at our house. We we'd have big book meetings. We we started living together for a little while.

And uh after about two years, it it uh it didn't work out and we broke up. And when we broke up, I I I I took an inventory in a way. I I kind of kind of thought about relationships in general my whole life, you know, I I I looked and I know when I was drinking every time every time a relationship would end, no matter if it was with a girl or whatever kind of relationship that that I'd always think, man, I I I wished I wouldn't have gave quite as much.

I I wished I would have mooched just a little bit more, you know? I I I wished I would have took him just a little bit more, you know, and and and something something that happened along the line here in AA cuz I don't I don't think like that anymore. You know, there are there are people that are out of my life, dead or or just not in my life anymore.

And I'm I'm never going to see them again. And and I'd wished I'd have been a little bit kinder. I wished I'd have been a little bit more considerate.

I wished I'd have said I love you, you know, and and the people in my home group, Newberg, they say, "What the heck's the matter with you? You got your mother in your life. Why don't you try to be a little bit kinder and more considerate to her?

Tell her you love her. You know, you got your brother. You got people you work with.

Why Why don't you try showing them a little bit more respect? I uh I I ended up having a little bit of a health problem. Nothing nothing real big.

Uh sleep apnea and I I had to go to the doctor and the doctor told me that I was overweight. I I probably should lose some weight. I I I'd sleep a lot better if I did.

Uh, and and I didn't know I didn't know what to do, you know. I come home and I call my sponsor. Hey, what doctor says I'm overweight?

I I got to lose some weight. He says, uh, well, why don't you try spending a little bit more time working with new guys and start spending a little less time inside that refrigerator. So, I I I've been doing that.

But the the uh sleep apnea, that's that's been that's been a problem of mine. It's gotten better. Uh I I another problem was this this felony that I got.

Um, I I I tried week after week after week, uh, three, four interviews a week sometimes trying to get a job, you know, and and man, constantly, you know, oh, you got a violent felony, you know, sorry, we can't help you. Sorry, you know, can't use you, you know, and trying again and again and again. Sorry, can't can't use you here, you know.

Sorry. Try to get it expuned and they won't expunge violent felonies. And uh it it was getting really depressing for me to keep trying and trying and trying and not getting anywhere.

And I I come to my home group, Newberg. I talked about it with some people hoping that they were going to give me some words to help me just accept the situation as it was. And they said, "What the heck's the matter with you?

When did when did you ever give up so easily on trying to get that six-pack of tall boys? When when did you ever quit trying to get that drink?" And I I I I left the I left the group that night. I I try to keep that that kind of determination in the back of my mind that I I ain't let I ain't I ain't never let nothing stop me from getting that six-ack of thall boys, you know.

And just a couple weeks later, uh I I had a full-time job and a part-time job. And uh the part-time job I I I just quit. I I worked it for about nine months, but I'm still working my full-time job.

And uh it's been good. It's been good. Now, now that I I quit my uh part-time job, they they they they they was telling me, you know, I got my associates degree.

I uh I should probably go back and get my bachelors. And I says, "Well, you know, I'm I'm uh I'm starting to get kind of up there in years. You know, by the time I get my bachelors, I'll be in my 40s." They said, "So what?

You're going to be in your 40s if you don't go get your bachelor degree, too." So, I'm I'm I'm planning on doing that for fall. And uh man, just uh things have been good. I I I have a big book meeting at my house on Wednesdays.

There's usually five to 10 guys there and and and that's that's probably been one of the best things going on in my life today. You know, the the opportunity to try and help other people get these steps in their life like like was done for me. You know, people took their time to do it for me and they said just thank God and do it for somebody else.

you know, and and uh with that, I' I'd like to I'd like to thank John for asking me. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.