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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Introduce our speaker for this evening and that would be a G from Walnut Creek.

>> Hi everybody. I'm an alcoholic >> and I identify with you. I'm if I pass out, I will pass out.

I haven't spoken in front of a big crowd like that before and it's an honor. It's a privilege and I want to thank the committee to um for inviting me here. We had a dinner and this is really a lot of fun and I mean I I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

Um I love to go to you know meetings or speaker meetings all over the place and I try to do that if I travel. Um, now I don't know what to say. Very typical.

That's my book. It's a fake book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Needs a cover somewhere in Texas.

I used to write my God stories on the cover because if I'm if I was having some problems, I just like flick the cover and I read the God stories that God is doing something for me that I didn't do for myself. That's for sure. I've I've tried every possible method under the sun to stay sober on my own power.

I failed all of the time. I found the solution in this book of Alcoholics Anonymous finally finally after trying for a while to do it my own way for a long time. Um and you know and you know you've heard about the um you know the easier softer way.

This is it because finally when you surrendered to the process it's it's it's simple. Maybe not easy but it's simple. It's so simple.

Wow. How could I you know and I am that um I'm that alcoholic that you know of intellectual variety you know I was taught when I was u when I was a kid you know if you want to succeed in life if you want to overcome difficulties put a lot a lot of knowledge in your head go get a lot of degrees get educations you're going to be fine. And with that mentality, that old idea, I went out in the world and I tried to succeed and I failed utterly because I'm the real I'm I'm a real alcoholic.

I'm a real alcoholic. And there's a clear distinction between the real alcoholic and a heavy drinker in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. For a while, I was trying to identify as an as a real drinker or heavy a heavy drinker.

Um, and you know, therefore, I was avoiding uh all kinds of situations, but uh I didn't know this isms within me. It's in is in my own mind. Um I I my sobriety date is uh June 11th of 1998.

That is a day after 63rd anniversary of AA. And it's important for me to keep that date, you know. So I'm I'm you know I I celebrate um 14 years next June, God willing.

And I I wrote um I wrote in the on the on the the the this page uh difference there's a difference between not drinking and sobriety. When I am not drunk I am restless, irritable and I'm discontented. But when I am sober I'm happy but joyous and free.

So that this is just to remind me of who I am and I have to sit with it sometimes and remind me where I'm coming from and it's not I'm not supposed to be here. It's only for the grace of God that I'm standing here tonight. It's only for the grace of God because I found the power of God through the work in the 12 step of 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And it was it's been a long unpaved road. Like I told you, I've I' I've tried a lot of um versions of what I thought was AA. Uh it's been a um a puzzle that had been kind of pieced together for me kind of year by year, month by you know it's it's but you know looking back it's been all worth it.

It's been all worth it. You know I live in I I I I live in such a I don't know my my life is just great. My my reality is just great and it's simple.

My life has gotten simpler. Thank God. Um, I when I when I you know I was born and raised in Iceland.

Um, Iceland is um a little volcanic island up in the North Atlantic Ocean. For those who don't know, we're about 330,000. It's probably less than the population of Sacramento, I believe.

Um, we drink a lot and I'm asked this quite a bit, you know. Um, you know, sometimes people confront me with this, you know. Uh, I heard you guys drink a lot, right?

Yeah, we do. Um, so you guys you you drink a lot because, you know, I guess you you're very isolated and and you know, you probably drink a lot because it's cold there, right? Yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, but in reality, we drink a lot because we're alcoholics, a lot of us. And we're 330,000.

We're all kind of interconnected. kind of weirdly, huh? But um I was this I was this kid when I grew up.

I was very uh very shy and I'm I'm very shy, introvert, very artistic. I never I never talked. I never communicated, you know, I was, you know, usually in my room, you know, doing, you know, drawing or reading books or doing poetry or whatever.

And um grew up in this disease. Um hated it. hated this alcohol demon.

I kn I knew it did something bad, very bad. And I was never going to do anything like that. I was never going to drink alcohol.

I knew that. And that's my life story. I was never going to be a single mom.

I was never going to be an alcoholic. Never going to, you know, never going to do this or that. It's like it's like God is like, "Really?

Are you sure?" you know, and um and then um on uh one winter day in January the January of 1987 and a lot of you were, you know, I was not born when a lot of you got sober in here, you know, but um January 11th, 1987. See, I remember that pretty clearly. It was January 11th of 1987.

It's that vivid in my memory when I I was home alone. It was um it was dark outside. It was cold.

It was it was snowstorm. We lived in a in a place we lived in an apartment complex up on a hill that overlooked the whole city. We could see in a in a in a one those wonderful, you know, long bright summer nights.

We could see like the whole city, 13 churches. We could see the, you know, Atlantic Ocean and a glacier in a distance. And, you know, when the sun was setting down, you, you know, it was the lit up the sky was really beautiful.

And in my memory, you know, oh yeah, that that winter night, I was alone home and I I I was just doing nothing. And I just decided I just had this great idea, this this this fabulous idea to go in my dad's closet and get his uh Kaskan carva vodka. Get that bottle and I'm going to drink it.

And I did. And in my in my memory, I am looking out of the window and it's really real to me. And I'm looking at this beautiful bright sunset go down behind that glacier leading up the sky when in reality it was January 11th of 1987.

It was very very cold outside and it was a snowstorm. That was reality. Um and I remember that night because I look in the mirror and I'm like I you know I changed clothes because I need to you know bathe in the spotlight.

You know there was no one home only me. And I was just looking at this uh little this beautiful woman in the mirror and I just like I'm fabulous. I'm awesome.

And I look like Marilyn Monroe. Seriously. But I I was 11 years old.

But alcohol did something for me. Alcohol did something for me. And uh that was the story of my life.

It always did something for me. I never saw what it did to me. Everybody else did.

I didn't. And I was going to do that again. And I did that a lot.

A lot. I was a chronic alcoholic. I had this incredible thirst and I couldn't stop.

And I'd never had a history of drinking wine. Never been able to drink wine and cheese and just go home, you know, go to a play and just have a nice evening. Never.

There's this insane alcoholic. I loved drinking. I loved it.

Alcohol did something for me. If you know the ninth, the promises, you know, new new freedom and a new happiness. Uh-huh.

That's what alcohol did for me, you know, not didn't not regret the past to shut the door on it. Comprehend the word serenity, no peace. That's what alcohol did for me.

It's not afraid of people. Not at all. I couldn't, you know.

Anyways. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyways, um, so I I drank a lot and it became the norm pretty quickly. and my my poor parents, they tried everything. I'm I'm not going to dwell along on the story, but this this drinking story, but it's important anyway.

Uh they tried everything. They tried to keep me grounded. They try to, you know, lock me inside.

They try to do everything to um make this kid behave. They sent me on a farm like four 400 miles away. You know, that farmer was a a full-fledged alcoholic, so we got along pretty well.

Um, you know, and I got back and I found the love of my life. I was 14 years old. I found the love of my life.

You know, a little little dude, 14 years old, long hair, you know, we were, you know, dressed in those, you know, motorcycle jackets and it had like Metallica in the back or Slayer and Dr. Dr. Mutton's boots.

Very scary, you know. And then you know we drank a lot. We were drinking buddies.

It was very passionate relationship, very passionate. And by the time when I was 17, he dumps me. And it was really passionate.

I mean, we fought like, you know, fists, blood, pulling hair and everything over a bed of cigarette. I mean, we were just it was really intimate, so to speak. And then then my my my my you know I would say uh when he dumped me I mean Jesus Christ I I can say that my I when people say you know hell does exist I say yeah I know I know that's when my my alcoholism really really took off and I believe that my problem was lack of boyfriend.

And on top of everything, I was pretty creative. So, you know, that the skirts got shorter, the heels got higher. And for you who've seen the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show, you know that that red lipstick, that plasticky latex, that was me.

Rain or shine, you know, 20° below, that was me. and I was going to find that boyfriend. And during the time and and I was in such a pain, you know, I was in such a pain.

I woke up every morning hating life, hating everything, hating that place that I lived in, this volcanic rock, always raining or snowing and winding, no trains or palm trees or beaches. It all sucked. And you know, and and and and my solution to this was to drink more booze.

Drink more booze. And I was on a mission to find that one. And I had certain criteria.

He had to have long hair, lot of tattoos, um criminal record would be, you know, great. Um unemployed. Perfect.

And I slept with a lot of people during that time. Untreated alcoholism, a lot of booze on a mission, a lot of damage, you know, slept with a lot of people. And I was like, I'm waking up after 5 days of binging and I'm like, who are you?

You know, who are you? Could be my grandpa. And you know, this is just a this is just this is just a part of my story.

This is just a part of my story and this is what happened to a lot of us. It's just how it is. Untreated alcoholism.

And it's terrible. And I'm walking around like that really believing that delusional lie that my problem was a a a human being. And I'm walking around thinking that I'm having all kinds of diseases including AIDS.

And I don't care about you people. I don't care about you. And I'm 17 or 19 years old and I'm drinking constantly and I can't stop.

I'm making very vague attempts to quit to to stop drinking or drinking like a normal person. And like I said, never had any experience with that ever. And then I find him.

I find that poor soul, that long-haired dude. I find him and he was in a band, which was pretty cool. And it took me about a three days to kind of snare him down and move into his place.

You know, things happen quickly. That poor guy. and he's he's he's a normie but I mean who's a normie who I mean never mind he's he doesn't have this disease but anyways he tried to throw me out you know he tried to throw me out but but I I knew that he was a part of my plan and I was not going to leave and I hung on to that door he tried to pull me out he tried to throw me out and when he gave up on that he just left he just like left for days he's like I'm done with you but he came back and you know I I I did a lot of wreckage age there a lot of rackets during that time and my morals were down in the toilet.

I didn't have any concept about you know um loyalty or um what it means to be committed and what it means to be a decent human being. And I tried everything and I watched those kids my age and I'm like what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be why can't I just spend the Friday night with mom and dad and watch a movie?

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And I was making, you know, so many attempts to to quit or stop or diminish or or change brands or go go from point A to B, but I couldn't figure it out.

Um, you know, and and and during during the time towards the end, you know, um, I am waking up every morning and my wish is just to, you know, put an end on this and I see myself hanging there in the corner in a rope. That would be the end for me. that would be the greatest solution you know and that was the only thing only time when I could when I could see the truth about this whole thing I was never able to differentiate the truth from the false that that alcohol is killing me and I can't see it except when I am hugging the the toilet bowl when I'm waking up after days of drinking and I don't know what happened you know one more time one more time brown day and I somehow end up in a treatment and it was great it was great and they, you know, they don't you don't have to pay them like home.

You just go in and you get a clean bed and you you you go to detox and it's very similar as here. I I I've heard and I thought it was the coolest place and I found my I found my people. One of the guys in my my group was he had like a mark on his head like someone had hit him with an axe and I'm like that's so cool and you know you know someone to really look look up to you know someone who you know to respect and then you know you go to a you know a 28 day like a treatment and they teach you how to you know smile in the mirror and make the bed.

They teach you how to you know eat breakfast and and brush your teeth and mornings too, you know, and um journal and I really really try to you just look in the mirror and smile in the mirror, you know, you I love you and all of that. And it was great, you know, open up to people and um >> and I I and I'm I mean and I did so well, you know, with my, you know, um idea of knowledge. Just put put a lot of knowledge in your head and you know, you'll make it.

They make me the bell the bell ringer, you know, and that is it's like you you're you're you're ahead of everybody. You have the bell. That means you can go into the rooms in the morning and you can um wake them up, wake the other patients up.

So, you're you're with that bell like 7 o'clock in the morning. You're ringing the bell and you don't have to go do dishes or do the toilets or anything. You just you've got the bell and and I was told that I was doing incredibly well and I believed that.

And I come out and I'm not even I haven't even done I haven't even finished high school at this point. Then I come out and I can't wait to finish. I can't wait to go back to school and do these things and start, you know, walking my dog and, you know, um, you know, eat healthy and go to these AA meetings like they told me to do and all of that.

And, you know, they told me a few things. They said, "Go to AA meetings, but don't walk the steps, at least not for the first six months, because you need an emotional balance before you do that." It's not in my paper anyways. >> And I come out and I go to a few meetings and I start walking my dog and I'm just restless, irritable, and discontent.

I go to these meetings and I'm like, oh, not quite open-minded. You know, I'm like, please don't talk. Don't don't talk, God.

Please don't talk spirituality. Don't. Oh, it was just so uncool.

And I was one of these people who, you know, held hands with the, you know, in the circle. I don't say the Lord's prayer is just uncool. Even though I'd never opened the Bible in my life, it was just uncool.

You know the saying in the big book, you know, you just have to be, you know, um, you know, open-minded and express willingness to all spiritual concept, including, you know, Christianity or out of body experiences or dorma, whatever it is. No, I was going to do it my way. And I I went to a few meetings and um I didn't like it.

I was an alcoholic that sat by the door like tapping my food like oh you know 20 years old you know this is a waste of time yada yada yada and then um my period of in and out of AA started I had I had that for about two years an in andout business of AA you know that relapser um I really tried you know they say that your best thinking got you here and that is so true I mean I used all my willpower all my willpower And eventually, you know, being an AA and not knowing if you're going to drink that day is a bad place. It's a bad place. It feels like a a layer of protection is taking off you.

You just don't know whether you're going to drink that day. You don't have the power to choose. It's been taken away from you.

But I didn't understand it. I thought it would was enough for me to go to meetings and declare myself as an alcoholic without having a clue what it means. I know today what it means.

It says in the doctor's opinion tells me that I have an allergy and I have an obsession of the mind. And in my natural state of mind, I am restless, irritable, and I'm discontented. I can't sit still.

I can't focus. I'm never happy. Everything is always wrong.

That's my natural state of mind. And I have to keep that in mind every day. Anyways, so that didn't work for me.

And I mean, I really put the willpower into trying. I tried hard and then um you know I decided at some point I was having those this this obsession was just killing me and I went to an alcoholic counselor. He said to me, "Are you going to meetings?" "Yes." "Are you exercising?" "Yes." "How much?" "Well, I'm walking to the to the bus stop about mile a day." "Oh, that's not exercising.

Need to go to the pool and swim." You know, eating healthy. Yeah. I mean, I'm doing all these things, these moral and philosophical convictions galore.

I cannot live up to them even though I want to. All the self-help books can't I can't I can't overcome my disease with those methods. I can't.

And then, you know, um I decided to exert myself more and by the time I drank again, I was going to four or five meetings a week and I was really really trying. And um then the day came I had about four or five months sober you know going to meetings I they said you know talk in those meetings you know talk about your problems talk about what's going on you know get rid of it just you know throw it out there and I did that and then the day came January I mean um June 11th of 1998 not a cloud on the horizon I went to work that morning not really you know had any special planning I was going to go to a meeting 2 o'clock And then about um noon, someone comes to me and says, "Are you um do you want to go with us to a bar um after after work and have some beer in the sun?" And I'm like, "Hell yeah. Heck yeah." That not even a single thought occurred to me that I've been trying and going to meetings and doing all of these things.

There was no defense against the idea of that first drink. Nothing. It felt like in in my memory, it felt like it was this big hand came down from the sky and reached me and just threw me back into that bar on that sticky bar stool.

And my drinking buddies, they were all like 50, 60 plus. I used to drink in these dark bars and they used to, you know, they used to, you know, um, buy me drinks and pat me on the back when I was coming during my relapses and like, you know, it's going to be okay. It's you just rise up again.

And this time they were not. They were like they were kind of smiling at me and that was really hurtful. They hurt my ego and I was drinking one more time.

Nothing cat catastrophic. I was just drinking one more time. Man, I was sick and tired.

And when I when I woke up to reality the day after, I was like, I can't believe it. I was full of shame. I was so ashamed.

I just wanted to, you know, put a bag over my head. And I don't know. I didn't know what to avoid, myself or everybody.

I I didn't know what was wrong with me. And after all of these meetings, hundreds of meetings, hundreds of meetings, there was only one thing. There was nothing, not not a single idea I could think about.

Nothing good. Except there was only one thing that stuck out at that moment in time when I hit my bottom. And there was rarely it started with it rarely.

There was red earlier. Rarely have you seen a person fail who was thoroughly followed our path and that that somehow stuck up probably because it's red in every meeting all over the world all of the time. And I'm like I I stopped and I I thought to myself, had I ever tried to be honest to to somebody?

I don't think so. I didn't even know what the word honesty meant. Never tried anything.

Never made a slightest attempt to get a sponsor or or pay attention to, you know, those poems on the walls who staff some the traditions and I was full ashamed, you know, and I mean I in and at that, you know, point in time, I was just absolutely baffled. And I'm so glad that there was no one there for me to pat me on the back to say just keep coming back. It's going to be okay.

Just go to a meeting. I'm just glad that there was no one there. You know, I didn't have a cell phone at the time.

There was no internet. There's no nothing. I was just by myself.

It was just me with me. And at that time in Iceland, I need to tell you a little bit about it. You know, Iceland was established, you know, it was brought to Iceland in 1954.

So it' been around for quite some time. Most of the meetings I think all of the meetings were um you know bring your problems to the meetings. You didn't hear about talking uh about solutions that you hear in the big you didn't hear about that.

You just went into those dark tunnel meetings. You came out depressed. Seriously.

And um and you know and it was like you know okay you know I had a sponsor at the time and I was uh like I told I was finishing high school. I was uh I had an art major and I was going to uh this human anatomy classes and there she was my sponsor. She was there.

She was a model. She was when I met her, she was naked sitting on a stool and I was drawing her and through her sister I heard that she had been sober for seven years in AA and I asked her to be my sponsor. I mean she was brave and she had something that I wanted and I asked her to be my sponsor.

Sure. She introduced me to a lot of meeting a lot of people in AA but at the same time we were meeting every week. I was taking the bus to her house about 10 miles away with my infant daughter.

At the time I was about to become a a single mother and we sat and we read healing the shame that binds you. Healing the shame that binds you. And we were discussing, you know, childhood issues, abandonment issues, and how horribly neglected I've been as a child.

And I drink I drink, you know, moral and philosophical convictions. They don't do anything for me. See, this this is the idea.

just just fix just fix yourself. And um and by the time when I when I drank again and she I I I called her and she says, "I don't know what to do for you. You know, we've been meeting.

We've been reading together. Um but I have one suggestion for you. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

Again, good advice, not in the big book." And then she said to me, "I've been into horses all my life and I love horses." And my personal experience with horses is that I I was brought up with horses, too. My My grandpa had horses, so I rode horses. I knew quite a bit about horses.

And she says, "Because of my horses, I think I was able to stay sober. And I think you should get one." Well, meaning advice. Well-meaning advice that could have killed me.

And I said, "Huh, okay." And I bought a horse. I bought a horse and everything that relates to a horse, I got that because I wanted to stay sober. I really wanted to.

I was willing to go to any length, including getting a horse, an animal. And by the time when I was about to train that horse and ride that horse, I think God knew that I was I was serious. I had allergy.

was about to ride that horse and I couldn't stay close to that horse. I still have allergies for horses today. I can't be a mountain.

But at the same time, I think God wanted me to do something serious about the disease and that's kind of when you know things started to happen. Well, I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and I was not eating a fruit cake after that because I wasn't working a single step. You know, I thought the kaya, you know, keep coming back.

It works if you work it. Just just don't drink between meetings and go to a lot of meetings. I heard that a lot.

It's another misconception. You know, I I I know that today so much more needed to happen. And I've gotten that.

I've gotten that. Um, and I work with women today that are single mothers. They their car is broken, whatever.

And I'm not I'm not going to order them to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Although, you know, uh it's important to go to meetings. I go to meetings today and I still go to meetings like I did in the very beginning.

And I became that meeting fanatic. I was like crazy about meetings. Um anyways um yeah in that time in Iceland there was no recovery quite honestly and then in the around the year of 2000 few things happened that brought you know sobriety or the the message of the big book over to Iceland and that was through um couple of guys named Joe and Charlie.

They came and they they taught us a little bit about this big book. And then another thing, a little guy, 25 years old, got sober. This computer nerd, um, he had a CD and he put it on the internet, an AA speaker.

He put it on the internet. Well, today that website that he created has more than 7 million downloads of free online speakers. Can you imagine?

you know, we're we're stuck up in the North Atlantic, but we're getting the message of Alcoholics Anonymous like it is in this big book through the internet, and we're like, "Wow, oh my god, there's so much more to this than this. It's it's not all misery." And um you know it's not just like you know go out and avoid those liquor store and just like pretend it's not there because it says in my big book that you know I can try to do that when even though an Eskimo might show up with a bottle of whiskey whatever you know also tell me that I can go to all kinds of places you know and be happy joyous and free and that's my experience today. Anyways, Joe and Charlie come there and they teach teach us a lot about the big book of alcoholics.

During that time, um, I had a sponsor. She she she worked on inventory with me. I didn't know what I was doing.

You know, the the rough parts were kind of taken away from me. I was able to move on. I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't understand my disease. I didn't understand why I was doing this, why I had to do an inventory, why I needed a God. I started to pray during the time and I believe that I was touched by God.

I thought it was a third. I did a honest decision with the third step, but it wasn't. It was just like I was praying and I was touched by by God.

I was confident that God is God is. Um but I I I did an I did an inventory um you know in my my first six months of my sobriety. It was rough.

I did six sixth and seven I thought and then I kind of did a you know little amens here and there. Nothing no big deal you know. um you know no disciplines of 10 11 and 12 you know like you know it's like you you it's like it's literally like you never take out your personal garbage you just keep on collecting it and starts to stink really really bad and you know two or three years you know going to a lot of meetings I start to drift away from AA um I and I'm to you know back to the place when I'm waking up in the morning and I want to commit suicides because I I hate my life and I'm stark raven sober and I'm looking in the mirror and I don't want to live anymore and I can't get out of the house.

I'm ashamed. I hate myself. I'm scream screaming at my my four-year-old daughter.

I can't stand her. I can't be around her. I'm restless.

I'm irritable. And I'm discontented. Um I'm I'm you know, my my deceased is just kicking my butt every day.

And what is going on back home is just pretty phenomenal. And I you know, I I I I hold on to one coffee commitment once a week. And that's the minimum I can do.

And I go there one Monday morning and I said to the guy who was doing this with me, I said, you know, I just want to kill myself. I don't want to live anymore. And and what he said to me saved my life, I believe.

And he said, honey, I think you need to, you know, really find a a new sponsor and and and do the do the work. Um I I was around four years of sobriety, you know. Um you know, when I'm not drinking, I'm restless, I'm irritable, and I'm discontented.

And by the time I go to these meetings, they have changed quite a bit. There are a bunch of young people all on fire like allergy obsession. You know, they read the doctor's opinion.

Oh my god. I'm like, doctor's opinion? What's that?

Is that Roman numerals? Huh? It's like, oh my god.

you know, I know a guy who know a guy who know a guy who was sponsored by Dr. pop like you know and it's like whoa and I mean it's a big like huge awakening going on there and you know you're going to a new meeting and there just like you know earlier tonight you know there are people on both sides greeting you here's a cup of coffee after the meeting here's a broom you can help sweep the floor there there coffee mugs over there you can wash them and then we're going to go to the pizza place all together I mean it's just a totally new concept of AA. It's a fellowship of the spirit and I became a part of that and I loved it.

I had so many friends and I was on fire. I'm one of those young people. They're on fire, you know.

But you know what? But this was just a piece of the puzzle called sobriety. And I love that time.

I love that time. I really do. And I met that a a boy on campus, you know.

Oh, that was so cute. You know, he was Mr. Aa with a lot of sponsies and I'm like, "Oh my god, he's so sexy.

There's so something so sexy about the spiritual giants." I don't know what it is. You know, he been he he was from Iceland. He tried to he tried to be get sober in the 80s and um he tried to hang himself and he fled to Norway and then he fled to the states and got married in Vegas and then he ended up in San Diego and uh got sober there.

So I mean he was he was on fire. So he was up in Alaska. He was in Iceland.

He was he was in San Diego and then we were friends for a few years and then um I moved up to Alaska with him. It took about three weeks. It's like, "Mom, dad, I'm packing them.

I'm moving to Alaska." And they're like, "Okay." You know, we alcoholics, we do things quickly. Not always well planned. But I really thought it was God's will.

I really thought, you know, they say it in the big, you know, we're not going to be inspired at all times. We may make some absurd decisions. That was one of them.

But that's how I ended up here. So, I packed down a few weeks and mom and dad um not talking to any sponsor or anything. I don't need to do that.

And I end up in Alaska, you know, really thought I got it all together, you know. Um I go there and I I I get to know wonderful a community up there is it's it's great. I mean, if you ever go there, they're like, "Oh, they love to have you, you know." But um you know, and and I was there and I got to learn a lot.

My sponsor there, she was all into service. She was on fire. She was a loving and caring woman.

She really was. She taught me a lot about 12step work, like you know, love and action, you know. She picked me up every day, took me to a meeting, you know, did an inventory.

You know, your disease is not taking a vacation, girl. You need to stay on on on top of things. Um, and then I moved down to the Bay Area, another moving, you know, Alaska is not quite working.

Let's move to to California. It sounds kind of better, huh? So we packed down in about you know couple of weeks and then we drove down here and then the relationship fell apart completely and I was here self-willrun riot we call it right anyways wherever I've been I I go to aa I mean I love meetings I love meetings and I ended up in San Francisco with a backpack on my back going to school um and um long story short along the way I learned a lot of things, you know, and I came to these meetings and I I had this idea of aa utopia in San Francisco.

Can you imagine all that variety of people and variety of meetings? And I thought everybody would be, you know, happy, joyous, and free. And it was not quite like that.

I've never been never been so lonely in my life, you know. And I just remember going to these meetings and and few things you know kind of stick out and um that is um you know I I when I came to San Francisco I was you know lived in few places in the Bay Area I had quite a few sponsors. So every time I I I I go to a new rental you know I have a sponsor you know we do the process of fourth and fifth fourth and fifth you know get rid of the things in the cell that blocks you and then move on.

But I didn't realize there are a lot of lot of things missing. And I know that today that you know one step in this program of recovery prepare prepares you for the next. Although I understood the condition of my disease, my foundation was still pretty wobbly because I was still running on self-will.

Not maybe all of the time, but yes, sometimes. But I learned a lot along the way. And you know, I I I went to this meeting in San Francisco and I remember this guy's face sticking out and he has a spiderweb tattooed all over his over his face and I just walk into this high noon meeting and I just see him.

He's staring at me like blood red shot eyes just staring at me through this spiderweb face and he is like I mean this guy is awesome. This guy is awesome. I don't know if any of you know who it is but he's awesome.

and he comes to me and he's like, you know, he's very nice and you know, where are you from and all of that? And then he asked me the question, are you sponsoring somebody? And I'm like, oops.

Nope. Well, that was a question he asked me every time. Are you sponsoring somebody?

Well, I got, you know, seven, eight years of sobriety. I'm not sponsoring anybody because the process is not really done. Okay.

And then I mean you know I thought I had humbled myself. I thought I had done some proper third step. I think at that point in time I'd never done a proper third you know third step.

That decision that vital and crucial step to do four through nine. All of it. All of it.

You know not only the process of of of you know admitting your shortcomings confessing them to somebody. I've done that million times. But finishing that business, you know, um, you know, clearing up the wreckage of your past, you know, that I was kind of putting off for a long time.

And I was seeking this relationship with God. I knew that people had it. I knew that.

I've seen it, but I didn't quite feel it. And then when I was when I was when I was about um 10 years old, when I moved to Walnut Creek, like I said, I was never going to be a single mother. And then I was never going to have more kids.

And then I was never going to get married. Well, guess what? I met my husband in San Francisco and he is a normie.

And we're like, you know, got married quickly. And about two weeks into that deal, I wanted a divorce. I was so startled.

I'm still driven by fears, remember? you know, um, we moved to Walnut Creek and I'm pregnant and I am married to this wonderful guy that he's still my husband and I love him to death. I mean, what a God's gift.

And um, and I am I am I am looking I'm looking for this fellowship. I crave this fellowship and I crave this book and I crave more. I crave more and then I think God showed me.

God showed me and I I am going to meetings and I see um I see a man in this this these meetings that is talking AA and I know that he knows what he's talking about and there's a peace and serenity over him and I want what I have and it took me about one or two years to kind of get to know him a little bit and he invited me to his meeting Monday morning meeting at his house and I walk in there I don't know what to expect but I found the fellowship that I craved They talked about history. They talked about the steps. They talked about and studied the book line by line, paragraph by paragraph.

It's all about the power. It's all about the power. Selfishness, self-centeredness that we think is the root of our trouble.

That piece was pretty missing. And I read it hundreds of time in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It explains it pretty pretty clearly.

It's not Bruce, but it's selfishness and self-centerness. I think I wasn't entirely convinced because I was using that tool of self-will quite a bit. I selfwilled myself into a lot of situations, years sober.

I moved to this country on my own ideas. I brought my daughter with me. I wasn't I wasn't asking anybody, you know.

I placed myself to be um in a position to be heard many times, you know, and I wasn't quite sure if I'd seen um things from an entirely different angle through an honest inventory. I think I never saw that. This man took me through the steps from the very beginning.

And I was like, "Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm willing to go to any length at this point.

I just want to to get to know this God that you're talking about. I want to get the real experiences that you can get from this big book. Happy joys and free.

I wasn't quite sure what it was at that time because my life was pigs and malies yo-yoing, you know, Monday mornings emotionals, you know, having my periods, you know, still kind of plagued by jealousy, newly married, still kind of obsessing about some, you know, fancied or real resentments in my head. Couldn't get rid of them although I wanted to. still plagued by those those things.

Still kind of not, you know, having a hard time forgiving my mother for who she did, you know, still holding her accountable, expecting her to be somebody else, be doing a better job when she she brought me up, you know, still having rotten thoughts in my head, you know, still waving few prayers when I needed it, not always. Not doing disciplines of 10, 11, and 12 on a day-to-day basis. incompleted inventory, incompleted nine steps, incompleted amends.

There were people that that I had harmed. And when you've been touched by God, and I'd been touched by God very early in my sobriety, I had a you know, spurts of spiritual awakenings, little bit of spiritual experiences. I knew that God was big book says deep within every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God.

It was within me, but it was really obscured by calamity and prompt and worship of other things. That was that's the truth of it. And this man, he takes me through the steps and the very first things he asked me is, "Do you think you can cheat God?" And again, oops.

No. When you've been touched by God, you know, you know that there isn't process. There are some amends that needs to be done and they were all there in the back of my head.

And then I asked him this question. Do you think, Don, that I would have gotten drunk again? And he said, "Yeah, yeah." And I know that now because um you know if a condition keep on you know hurting others we will for sure drink.

It's a promise in the big book. If a condition continues to harm others and I was doing that I was having my episodes my emotional I'm emotional. I had the right to be like that.

You know I was always a justified justified anger justified actions all stemming from rotten thoughts still in my head. So, we went down to causes and conditions and I saw it was pretty evident that been I'd been the actor, you know, when I needed it. I'd been the actor.

I wanted this relationship, but I was still the actor. I was still the actor. I wasn't able to step down completely because I was still having delusions in my head.

Delusion. I'm leaving a delusional lie and I don't even know that I'm in it. If I only manage well, if I only do certain things, the show would be wonderful.

I would be I would be pleased and I might be doing it for you. It looks that way but in reality I'm selfish and self-centered and I'm thinking about me and I'm having my dirty little secrets. I have this uh uncompleted this incompleted amends that I needed to do.

It was blocking me from God all of this time and and it affected my behaviors on a day-to-day basis. So we did that and I was willing I was completely willing to do that. We did that vital and crucial step.

I did that third step. I did that third step prayer. I did an honest inventory and I told Tim my life story.

The day after I was doing my amends and I was writing those letters. I was calling those people. We're making face-toface arrangements and I call up my sponsor and I say, you know, I'm kind of kind of feel like I need to vomit.

And he just laughed. All right. You're did you're all right, kid.

He said, you're right. But I did those. I did those.

I put every effort, every possible effort into it to make those amendments. And then when that was done, you have those ninestep promises for a reason. They come after the ninth steps, right?

Freedom and a new happiness. I know I know what it means today. I know what it means.

Um, you know, my people pleasing abilities are kind of going away. That is disgrace. Um, freedom.

Freedom. This process is all about freedom. It's not about a little relief.

It's about freedom. And they don't talk about alcohol. The the the obsession is going to be removed.

We've been placed in a place where your child is safe and protected. I haven't had any urge to drink for a long time, but I I close the door properly and I make sure they're properly closed on a day-to-day basis. When is this done?

Is it like 9:30 or 9:30? Okay. Okay.

All right. And that was So, yeah, that was another turning point in my life. That was another turning point in my life.

10 years sober thinking I was doing so great. Not quite. Not quite.

It says in the big books, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, precise, clear-cut directions. That's precise. you know, if you do certain things in this big book, you're going to get results.

If you do a certain step, you're going to get some promises. And that's exactly what happened to me, you know. And I started to have this God God experiences kind of in peace, kind of walking in peace.

It wasn't anything thrilling and exciting. It was just like I experienced peace for the first time in my life. And what had happened through the inventory process that um you know and I told you I was kind of plagued with you know fancy that are real jealousies you know um not able to be around my kid my kid was 10 years old and I couldn't be around her I was having a hard time being around her and taking responsibilities was tough you know going to a meeting and I was like pissed off you know you're talking about me or something you know fancy or real I don't know and then you know my husband he you know, he he brought two kids to my life, you know, my stepsons.

And I was plagued by resentments towards the ex, of course, to pay a sum of child support every month, you know, how dare she and I was I was ashamed, man. I was ashamed. So, she was on my inventory.

And I was unable to see that, you know, at the back of my mind, I was thinking about me. You know, I want this money. I don't want her to succeed.

I don't want her to get positive attention from my parents-in-law. She was on my inventory. What a relief to be able to go to this person and make amends.

You know, I was, you know, inconsiderate and for that I am so sorry. And you know, you go to this place of understanding through the through the inventory process and you start to see that people are trying to do their best. Most most people are trying to do their best, including she and she's just kind of a the nearest example that I have there.

and you you come to a place of understanding and forgiveness. You know, maybe they've done something, but it's not it's not about that what they've done. It's about what you've done.

It's about your it's about your part. It's about you. You know, if you've done 30% and they 70%, you owe it all.

You're going to disregard the other person entirely, you know. And then I was able to make amends to her. Although I'd never done any, you know, direct harm to her.

I've been character assassination character assassinating her in my mind. And then I got to become friends with her. And then I got to see her real situation that she was just a single mother trying to do her best.

I was able to get to the point of love and understanding and compassion. It's like wow. And she's not, you know, and when I pray for somebody's success success.

Wow. What a freedom is that? Anyways, um now today I'm still married.

That's a miracle by itself. I have a three kids, three girls. They're four, five, and 14.

This morning, my four-year-old, she comes to my room. She says, "Mom, are you saying good morning to God?" Say, "Yeah." Yeah, I'm doing that because I I tell them that I'm having a quiet time upstairs and if they want to join me in prayer life, they're more than welcome to, you know, and that's that's wonderful to have as a recovered alcoholic, you know, and I'm pretty uh strict on my disciplines with 10, 11, and 12. And I do them on a day-to-day basis because I am still connected to the first step, who I am and where I'm coming from.

And my actions stem from that. I can never forget who I am and I need to really reflect upon it. Sometimes I don't remember.

Sometimes I don't remember so clearly how it was for me. But do you know when I remember? When I'm sitting across the table from a, you know, six, seven, eight days of sobriety, trembling, scared, I don't know, flickering eyes, you know, not knowing.

That's when I know. That's when I know it's like having a mirror to yourself. Yeah, that's who I am.

That's who I am. And I've had, you know, great experiences through this time. And I mean, it's like it's it has not been all bad.

Not a single day has not been worth it, you know, through my almost 14 years of sobriety. I've learned something along the way. I mean, I got two kids.

I mean, I had my my children. Um, I went through, you know, I finished my my under undergrad. I have a one class to my master's degree.

I have like I I've been having lately like a tremendous tremendous business um business proposals. I'm I'm blown away. I'm just absolutely blown away.

I mean, I was I'm I live in the most beautiful place in the world, I believe, and I love it. I have the fellowship that I crave. I love my Monday morning meetings.

I love to walk in and see the smiles and the joy um reading the book and we're we're excited about it. We're we're excited to meet and and and do this stuff together. And I sponsor women.

There's nothing like it. There's no drug that can top that experience of seeing someone going through a spiritual experience. Getting that in front of your eyes.

Wow. Was this an experience you must not miss? You know, and one of the things that I need to do is that I need to give it away.

I need to go from the self-centered alcoholic that I am cuz I have still tendencies to think about me and my needs and what I want and my little plans and designs. I need to go from that every day to someone that I can help. It starts in my head.

It ends up as an action. Okay? I mean, I do I do those disciplines of 10 and 11 and 12 on a day-to-day basis.

I try to stay plugged in and what's going on with the people in my life and the people in the fellowship. So before I um before I leave my room in the morning, I sit down with God. They suggest prayer and meditation.

So I'm going to spend time with God because if I say that God is the most important factor in my life, am I really spending time with God? Am I trusting and relying upon God? Okay.

I try to quiet my mind and I spend some time with God and when things pop up you know self selfishness dishonesty self thinking frightened when these things crop up you know we watch them we watch them because our spirit is awakened now and I'm watching my thinking um I I ask God to remove them and then turn my thoughts to someone I can help just get away from yourself as quickly as possible you know you're in the way of this relationship with thought which is all about it's all about that and then I turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Mhm.

And you know this this um this action we've ceased fighting we've ceased fighting anything or anybody even alcohol. I've ceased fighting alcohol because, you know, I mean, my my husband has, you know, wines at home and I'm I'm I'm like this is a bottle with some stuff in it, you know. Um, it's not it's not bothering me anymore because the obsession has been removed.

What I need to deal with is my own mind, is my selfishness when I am too absorbed in myself and my own thinking, you know. And like I said, I've had great experiences in my life for the past 13, 14 years. great experiences, lots of friends, lot of places, lots of meetings all over the place, both in Europe and here in the United States.

Um, had my kids like been through school, lots of meetings, lots of people. Um, been through, you know, financial difficulties, been through homelessness. I mean, we were homeless a couple of years ago with our kids.

It's crazy. It's like, oops. You know, you never know what happens when you you don't know what happens when you turn your life on and your will over to the care of God.

Oops. Do you trust and rely upon God? Now, okay, I'm going to try.

You know, I'm going to try. Either God is or he isn't. He provides what I need.

If I stay close to him and perform his work well, the book promised me that and that has been my experience. We never had any shortage of anything. It's amazing to me.

We got out of that and the wheels started to um turn again and we um you know I was able to you know get back into my meetings and I couldn't wait to start sponsoring just get weight out and to get out of myself because I I I love that more than anything and that business of working with others just you know it's like my family loves it because they they just know that I'm a little bit more calm than usual you know I'm not so highrung you know when I'm working with others and they've never said no to that you know they know that mom is going to be you No way. She's, you know, she's working. She's meeting up with somebody.

He's meeting up with Carla or whatever. And um and then um you know, we um and I'm going to end up with this experience. And um you know, I have few of my friends here including my my sponsor.

And what happened to me? You know, life happens. Life happens all of the time.

All of the time. About four or five years ago, I'm coming home from my Monday morning meeting and I'm driving home very spiritual, very calm, in my car, driving, not a cloud on the horizon. And then I go home and I have a stroke and I am 35 years old and I'm having a stroke.

And um what happened is that um a couple of weeks before I was on Facebook and my sister my sister-in-law, she posted the stroke symptoms on her page and I never read stuff like that because I don't have stroke. I mean I'm healthy and I'm exercising and eating okay and but I read it. I read it.

So when I'm I'm having this fuckingness in my head and my body and I'm like something's wrong in my brain. It's either a stroke or a tumor or something. And it so happened that I lived like half a mile close to the one of the best neuro hospitals in the United States.

What a coincidence. So I was in the hospital within five or 10 minutes. But that's when my I had my God experience God realization.

On my way there I was in and out of consciousness. But I was praying, God, you're with me. God, you're with me.

You always been with me. You know, when they were wheeling me through these scans and I'm saying the thirst step prayer in my head and I'm at peace and I see my life in the right perspective at that moment in time. I'm seeing my kids and I'm seeing my life and how awesome it is.

I'm not in regret. I'm not panicking and I'm happy and I'm thankful and I'm at the hospital for some days and then you know I'm back home and I'm weak and I can't do anything and I miss my meetings and I miss my people and I want to go sponsoring because I'm full of fear when I get out. See, God takes care of you and then you're on your own.

Oops. And then I start thinking too much and then I'm like future tripping. Oh my god.

Oh my god. you know, no, God is not going to save me that time, you know, and I couldn't wait to get back on my feet to start sponsoring because that seems to be the only medicine that helps me with that. But, you know, I and I come home and one of my sponsors, she's at the hospital.

She's helping me walking through the through the corridors. And I come home and my mother-in-law is there. She flew from Texas to help out.

And uh she is this little Catholic woman, incredibly loving, incredibly kind, selfless by nature. And I don't understand that. Why is she so always thinking of others?

It's weird. How how can she do that, you know? Anyway, she's there and she stays with us and she's helping us.

And then I have the women that I've sp been sponsoring and my AA friends coming home and bringing me meetings and bringing me the big books and reading with me from the big book and praying for me. And I believe that there is so much power in prayer. A lot of pe people were praying for me and I had incredibly speedy recovery and then again cell phone run and my sponsor was like first he did it kindly.

He told me, "You need to ask God to to help you to slow down." Okay, slow down. Okay, what are you supposed to do? Slow down.

And then I was at the meeting. And he was like, "Go home to bed. I don't want to see you in this meeting." And then he said something to me which makes a lot of sense.

We need you. We need you. We need to be out in the trenches.

We need to be out there to carry this message of personal transformation. How God did something for us in our lives there was no way we could do for ourselves. So they were there for me and I am forever ever grateful for that.

And I am still recovering from that. And I am just thankful every every day for this gift of sobriety and a second chance of life. And I've I've gone from usefulness um to to really feeling I can do something and that I have a real purpose.

My purpose is to carry this message to other alcoholics who are still suffering. Anyways, it's been a wonderful just wonderful to to talk here and I mean I don't know any of you few of you but not majority of you I don't know. So it's been a it's been great.

I hope you, you know, I've been enjoying the weekend so far. And um tomorrow I'm going to be doing Easter at home, Easter egg hunting with my kids. Um and and usually I would be plotting, you know, thinking who I'm going to hire to do that for me because I'm too lazy to do that.

But I'm going to be doing that tomorrow. I'm very excited about it actually, you know. And I hope you have a happy Easter and thank you for having me here.

>> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.