I Was 18 and Already Dying From Alcoholism – Kellie L. – Athens, GA
Kellie L. from Chicago shares her story of getting sober at 18 after years of addiction starting in childhood. An AA speaker tape about hitting bottom young and building a life in recovery.
Kellie L. from Chicago got sober at 18 after spending her childhood in poverty and using drugs and alcohol by age 12. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through hitting bottom at 17—malnourished, sick, and suicidal—and the moment she called her grandparents asking for help on Christmas Eve. Her story covers nearly seven years of rebuilding her life through the fellowship, working the steps, and eventually starting her own home group with her husband.
Kellie L. is an 18-year-old newcomer who got sober after a childhood marked by poverty, parental addiction, and early substance use. She details her bottom: living alone since age 12, five felonies by age 18, attempted suicides, and arriving in Chicago at 17 weighing 94 pounds with multiple infections. The AA speaker describes her first meeting, following her sponsor through the steps, how service work kept her engaged early on, and the spiritual awakening that came through relationship with her Higher Power during hardship.
Episode Summary
Kellie L.’s story is a raw account of what happens when someone comes into the rooms as a teenager, already wrecked by years of active addiction. Born in Chicago but raised in Fort Lauderdale starting at age two, she grew up in a trailer park surrounded by her mother’s addiction to drugs and alcohol. By age four or five, Kellie was already trying to control her environment—leading the kids in the park, calling the shots, desperate to escape what was happening inside her home. School offered no refuge; as the only white child in her grades, she became so confused about where she belonged that by eighth grade she’d convinced herself she was part Black and part Jewish.
At 11 or 12, Kellie smoked her first joint—roaches she’d stolen from her mother’s ashtray. That first high changed everything. Suddenly all the shame, confusion, and pain dissolved. She wasn’t restless, irritable, and discontent anymore. Drugs and alcohol weren’t a problem for her; they were the solution. Within months she was drinking regularly and developing the phenomenon of craving—unable to have just one beer, unable to stop once she started.
By age 12, her mother could no longer support them. Kellie moved into a tiny efficiency apartment—8 by 10 feet with a rotted bathroom floor—and lived there alone until she was 17. She dropped out of school, followed the Grateful Dead, and accumulated five felonies before turning 18. She spent a year in juvenile detention. She was dirty, malnourished, and suicidal—attempting to kill herself multiple times a month. Nothing mattered. She was a hollow soul.
Then came the turning point. On December 23, 1994, drunk on Southern Comfort, she fell and broke her nose on a Mexican tile floor. Looking in the mirror at 17 years old—illiterate, homeless, unable to stop—something shifted. A thought arrived that she can’t explain: *Call your grandparents.* She did, on Christmas Eve. They sent a ticket. She flew to Chicago on January 12, 1995.
When she arrived at Elmherst Hospital, she weighed 94 pounds. She had acute bladder and kidney infections, scabies from head to toe, long dreadlocks with bugs in them. The doctor told her she had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Kellie heard only: “You have a problem with drugs.” At 17, she thought she barely drank. Alcohol was second to her. So she got out of treatment, moved in with her newly sober mother, and tried to get her life together. Within weeks, she was drunk again—using a fake ID at bars in Villa Park, Illinois, working as a waitress, unable to make it through an eight-hour shift without drinking.
Then she woke up in Tybee Island, Georgia. She’d apparently told a traveling man she’d go with him. She stayed three months, working at a restaurant called the Ore House, drinking on every corner. After three months the man told her to go home—she was too bad, too suicidal. It was Labor Day weekend 1995.
Back in Illinois, working at a restaurant called Copper Kitchen, Kellie saw a woman she used to see at the bars—a woman who used to flash her breasts for beer money. Now this woman was sitting in the restaurant with an older gentleman, looking healthier, saying, “My life is so good. I love the 12 steps.” Kellie thought: *What is wrong with her?*
But the seed was planted. She tried controlled drinking in October—playing bingo, telling herself if she won she’d go to the bar, if she lost she’d go home. She always went to the bar. By late October, Kellie was in a pattern: working Monday through Thursday, then drinking from Thursday night straight through till Monday morning at bars on Mannheim Street that were open 24/7. She brought home men decades older than her. She woke up with tattoos she didn’t remember getting. Every morning at 5 or 6 a.m., fifteen minutes after swearing she’d never do it again, she’d walk across the train tracks to the White Hen convenience store and buy a fifth of Southern Comfort or cheap Amordoto to start her day.
Then the miracle. AA members started coming into the restaurant for fellowship. Waitresses hated serving them, but AA members kept asking for Kellie. She was 95 pounds, long-haired, reeking of booze, with a bottle in her pocket. She had no idea what AA was. But one man, Eugene P., was different—brutal with her. He’d say, “You’re going to die before you’re 21.” She didn’t care. But on December 17, 1995, Eugene showed up one minute before her shift ended with two handsome newcomer guys. He’d framed her. They asked her to an AA meeting. She said yes—not for the program, but for them.
That night she walked into her first meeting at a club in Villa Park. It was a first-step meeting, all men over 35, all drinkers from the suburbs. She had nothing in common with them. But they told her: “We’re going to love you until you learn to love yourself.” And they said: “Keep coming back.” She’d never been asked to come back. So she did.
For the next 20 days, Kellie went to that meeting every single day—drunk. She needed to be loaded to walk through those doors. On January 5th, 1996, a Saturday night, a speaker named Pontiac Joe shared. He said something that hit her like lightning: “If you don’t want to drink, go home, put your keys under your bed at night, and say thanks. When you need to get your keys in the morning, get down on your knees, and say please.” She did exactly that. On January 6th, 1996, Kellie got sober. She hasn’t had a drink since.
The early years were intense. She got sober living in a house with her mother smoking crack and blowing it at her, while she cared for her six-month-old brother who has Down syndrome and autism. But the fellowship kept her. Old men played dominoes with her through the nights when she thought she’d use. She got a service commitment on a convention bid committee—boring work, terrible meetings, but it kept her showing up. Then she got involved in general service, learning to read literature about the traditions and concepts. A sponsor sat with her and taught her. Service locked her into AA long enough for the fellowship to wrap their arms around her.
At four years sober and 22 years old, Kellie thought she had it made. A good job, her GED scored in the top 10%, two years of college completed, her mother sober, a relationship with her brother, eight sponsees, a boyfriend, an apartment. Then she prayed for humility. Within months, everything fell apart—car stolen, job lost, boyfriend gone, sponsees scattered, scholarship gone, apartment to change. At meetings, newcomers would comfort her. “It’s going to be okay.” She’d snap back: “I’m FOUR YEARS SOBER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” But they thought she was new because she was falling apart.
That devastation forced her onto the bus. And on the bus to work, walking to the bus stop, she finally got willing. She prayed—actually willing to start a relationship with her Higher Power, even though she wasn’t sure she believed. She was in too much pain, too humiliated. Then she got a new sponsor, Lisa. Lisa was mean sometimes. She’d just say: “Step, step.” And she took Kellie through the steps for real.
But the real magic happened when Kellie started following her sponsor around because her sponsor was desperate and willing—going through a divorce, having just lost her husband, having just lost her mother. There’s something about following someone who’s been broken and is willing. The group grew from six to forty people following each other. Kellie’s sponsor got asked to speak at a fancy AA meeting in Oakland, Illinois—the kind where people wore suits and ties. Kellie went only because she was desperate enough to follow her sponsor.
There she saw a man in the front row—an older gentleman who stood up to give his seat to someone with more sobriety time. She thought: *That’s really nice.* She took a liking to him. His name was Rich. That’s her husband now.
Rich talked about principles. He talked about looking your best at your home group, about reaching your hand out to the new person whether you like them or not. He talked about speaker meetings where people shared experience, strength, and hope—not discussion meetings where people complained about broken-down cars and bad moods. Kellie caught fire. A year and a half ago, she and Rich started their own home group in their neighborhood—the Chicago Foxhole Group—where it’s safe for men and women, young and old, Black and white, gay and straight. Today it has 80 or 90 people, most of them young, most of them dressed nicely, respectful, focused on principles.
Kellie is now actively involved in general service. She’s finishing a two-year term as DCM—district chair—and considering whether to pursue area chairperson or delegate. She sponsors many women, including one who just had a baby. She works the steps the way the Big Book describes them—not with workbooks, but sitting with one alcoholic, being honest. She made amends to 83 people. She does a daily inventory using the Big Book’s questions. She believes action is the loudest prayer—she answers her phone when her sponsees call, whether she wants to or not.
At seven years sober, Kellie says her heart is opening. She’s learning to love. She feels compassion—not a lot, but it’s there. When she sees someone in pain, she wants to help them. Being asked to speak here was beyond her wildest dreams. Her problems today were her dreams when she got here.
Notable Quotes
I believed that a little bit. I was willing to stick to that. I’m sure that I believed that a little bit.
They were not problematic for me. They were my solution. It was hard for me to live without drugs and alcohol.
We’re going to love you until you learn to love yourself.
Go home, put your keys under your bed at night, and say thanks. When you need to get your keys in the morning and you’re down there on your knees, say please.
There’s something magical about having a sponsor who was desperate and willing.
If I don’t conform to those principles and those traditions, it’s not going to be here. I might be dead, but little kids like that, they’re not going to have anywhere to go.
My problems are so small today. My problems today were my dreams when I got here.
Early Sobriety
Sponsorship
Step Work – Resentments & Inventory
Spiritual Awakening
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Hitting Bottom
- Early Sobriety
- Sponsorship
- Step Work – Resentments & Inventory
- Spiritual Awakening
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Tonight's speaker uh as I was coming into uh registration and maybe I shouldn't share this.
Uh no, no, I better not share this cuz it's it's >> okay. This is kind of X-rated. >> It's kind of X-rated.
Okay. All right. I'm going to share it.
And uh may God have mercy on me. Now, if this speaker jumps on me or someone out there from Chicago, then I'm going to blame you guys. I'm standing in line of registration and there's a a problem.
I mean, they can't find some names or something. I don't know. So I ask Brian, I say, "Where's uh where's the speaker?" He says, "She's right up there at the registration desk." So, uh, guy comes up and says, "What's going on?" And she says, "There's a problem.
Uh, I guess they weren't pre-registered early enough or whatever." And, uh, he said, "Well, you know, I got mine." She said, "You're sleeping with the speaker." But but now Richard is her husband, so and it's okay. And I just I thought it was so cute, you know. I really thought it was cute.
But anyway, uh this young lady seems to be quite nice. Uh now, I told you if she comes over here and attacks me, I want some help. But uh she seems quite nice and and she's from Chicago, Illinois.
and uh we kind of have a little common bond because I grew up in Detroit and snow and ice and wind and cold weather is in those areas. So, uh thank God for Athens, Georgia. I I never knew it existed.
So, without any more from me, I give you KELLY >> >> Hello everybody. My name is Kelly Landry and I'm an alcoholic. >> And um I believe I have to have three things active in my life today to feel comfortable in my own skin.
And the first one of those is a sobriety date. My sobriety date is January 6th of 1996. Um and the second one is a home group.
My home group is the Chicago Foxh Hall group. We meet on Wednesday nights in Chicago, Illinois on Hermitage and Armmitage. If you're ever in town, we're an open speaker meeting.
Please, please, please come and see us. We'd love to have you. The third thing is a sponsor.
My sponsor's name is Polly P. Um I'm actively sponsored today, which is I haven't always been actively sponsored. She knows where I am tonight, which is a big deal.
As a matter of fact, she recommended me to speak here this evening. This is my first time. >> >> Thank you.
Um her my my sponsor Pie and her husband I mean her son James recommended me to do this and I'll tell you what there's nothing like being recommended for some for something that is this is a real huge honor and a privilege. I'm not sure if I've ever felt this proud. Um just I feel it's remarkable and I'd like to thank Dan and the committee for asking me.
I know I was last minute, but this has really really been a big deal for me. Huge. And I'd like to thank Carrie and Rick.
They picked Don and I up for the airport today and um they were wonderful and great and they've been amazing hosts and I feel very grateful for that. And um I'd like to thank God because um I'm very afraid to fly. And uh when I got to the airport, I flew with Dawn C and she's going to be the Allen on speaker tomorrow.
And I'll tell you what, I was like, "What flight?" The whole time we talked and it was just, it was amazing. And the whole flight was booked. And she told me to tell this story, so I will.
We weren't sitting in the same row and the whole flight was booked and there was one empty seat and it was in her row. So I was able to sit with Dawn. And it's just, you know, it's amazing how God works in my life today.
So with saying all that, I'll start telling you what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. My sponsor told me to be honest. So, I'm going to try my best to do that.
It's not always so easy for me. I um I'm 25 years old. I got sober at 18.
Um I grew up I was born in Chicago, Illinois. When I was two, my parents, who were married at the time, um moved to Fort Lauderdale. I spent 15 years there.
Um we lived and my parents got divorced right away as soon as they moved down there. I think I was three when my parents divorced and it was just me and my mom. and we lived in a trailer park that was three blocks long and three blocks wide.
It was um for lack of a better way to say it, white trash. There was a lot of Confederate flags, a lot of pickup trucks, a lot of people barefoot. Um it was very it was like if you think about white trash >> >> There's some people that can relate to that here.
I'm sorry. Um, but I'm one of you guys. So, um, it was uh I'm sorry.
It was it was surrounded by the projects. It was not in a very good neighborhood. I told you it was my first time.
>> Note to self, keep that out when in Georgia. Okay. So it was surrounded by the projects and um the trailer park was and um I went to school that's where I went to school is right outside of the projects right outside of the trailer park there was a school and um I was the this is very important to my story when I'm a now that I'm sober and I'm able to look back over my life.
Um what was going on for me in the trailer park was it was me and my mom. She was very um addicted to drugs and alcohol. It was just me and her.
I was an only child. She was um not able to work, not able to hold down a job. She was very um there was a lot of dealing of drugs going on, a lot of sexual activity.
And um so like any child, I think in that situation, I didn't want to be in the house. And what was going on outside of the trailer was I was the leader of the pack in the trailer park. The treehouse was in my yard.
I was the boss. I'm very bossy and not a lot has changed. And um I was already at like four, five, six, seven years old controlling my environment.
I was already calling the shots. And um you know, that was what was going on the outside. And then what was going on in school is I was the only white person in all of my grades up till fourth grade.
Everybody else was African-American. And I just I thought because of that, that's why I felt like I couldn't fit in. That's what I thought.
I thought if you were the only white kid in an all black school, you would feel like you didn't belong, too. So, what I did differently than I think maybe a non-alcoholic would have is by the time I was in fourth grade, I had convinced anybody who would listen to me that I was a quarter black. And that's insane when you're telling that to people at seven.
And um so that was my story and I was willing to stick to that. I'm sure that I believed that a little bit. I at um in fifth grade I changed schools.
I went to a school that for people that were accelerated in math and it was a magnet school called NOVA and um everybody there was Jewish. So by the time I was in 8th grade I was a quarter black and half Jewish. I was totally I was totally confused about who I was.
I was like just confused. And um 8th grade, I think 12 years old, it was right about the time, 11, 12, it's like all kind of unclear, is when I started stealing um roaches out of my mom's ashtray. Do you guys know what roaches are?
I knew it. Um so I started stealing them out of the ashtray. And what I would do is I would steal them all week and on the weekend I would unroll them and I roll up a joint.
And I'm aware this is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but I got sober at 18 and drugs are a part of my story. And I'll keep them real short. Real short.
Sorry if there's, you know, old-timers in the room and I offend you. Um, sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. So um what hap So my you know my first drink was actually a joint and I smoked it and um and what happened to me it um was absolutely amazing. Um I was okay um that I was white.
It was okay after I smoked that joint. It was okay that I had never been baptized or Christian and we didn't practice religion. That was okay, too.
It was okay what I was seeing my mom do to herself sexually inside of that trailer and hearing and watching. That was okay. It was okay what was being done to me.
Nothing really mattered. I didn't feel alone anymore. Um, what I felt like was that this is the solution for me.
And it's really important that I know that today because I think there's some people maybe that drugs and alcohol were problematic for them. They were not problematic for me. They were my solution.
It was hard for me to live without drugs and alcohol. That was unbearable. I was restless, irritable, and discontent.
I never I can I cannot remember ever not being restless, irritable, and discontent. We're talking four or five. I felt like that when I started doing drugs and alcohol, I felt fine.
I felt normal. I felt like I can function in society. I could go out for cheerleading.
I could play soccer. I could do things that I wanted to do that I knew I could do and and feel like I was equal to the people I was doing them with. And um so that's what started.
I started with pot. Right after that, I started drinking. What happened to me when I drank is I developed the phenomenon of craving.
I could not have one beer. I could not do it. I could not have I wanted to.
Sometimes I didn't feel like going out and getting smashed, but I could not. I h I am an alcoholic and I developed the phenomenon of craving when I put alcohol into my system. And um so that's what happened.
And then basically so that was like 12. I got sober at 18. I'll tell you some facts about those six years.
I um when I was 12, I left home. My mom could not support us anymore. She actually ended up doing crack.
So, which is horrible, you know. And so, my mom was gone. I was on my own.
I lived in a efficiency from 12 to 17 1/2. It was about 8 by 10. It had a collegeiz refrigerator, a single mattress on the floor with no sheets.
It had mildew carpeting. It had a bathroom with a standup um shower. The the floor was so rot in Florida.
The houses are up on bricks because there's a lot of flooding and the floor was rotten out. So, you literally had to like balance yourself to go to the bathroom and I didn't go to school. I dropped out.
I followed the Grateful Dead around. I hate that part. Um, but I did do that.
And, um, I was dirty and smelly. And when I was 14, I had my first felony. I had five before the by the time I was 18.
I spent a year in the juvenile penitentiary from 16 to 17 for just stupid stuff. I was not a smart, clever drug addict. I was just out of it.
And um life was it for those six years that I spent in Florida using I had absolutely no guidance. Um by the time I left Florida, I had absolutely spiritually, which I didn't understand at the time, nothing left. I was just like a hollow soul walking around.
And um what happened to me was that I fell down. I drawn Southern Comfort, which was like my favorite. And I fell down and I broke my nose on Mexican tile floor.
It was the day before Christmas um 1994. And I was 17 with a broken nose. I was looked at myself in the mirror and I just thought like this is what your life is.
You can't read, you can't write, you have no family, you have no place to live, you can't stop doing drugs and drinking. And I just I don't know. But I had one of those like it was like my first mini spiritual awakening.
And basically what my head said was you need to call your grandparents who live in Chicago and ask for help. I don't know where it came from because like the idea that I had a problem had never ever ever crossed my mind. It had never crossed my mind.
And I called them on Christmas Eve 1994 and I said to my grandparents who did not know the way that I lived as far as I was concerned. They didn't know the way my mom had lived all these years. They they like have a little bit of money and a nice house in the suburbs in Chicago.
And I said, um, I'm dying is what I said. How I knew that, I don't know. Um, I mean, I know because I was like really sick, but I called them.
They said, "We'll send you a ticket." They sent me a ticket. I moved to Chicago on January 12th, 1995. Um, my mother, as a matter of fact, picked me up from the airport.
She had been living in Chicago for eight months and she was pregnant and she was fat and I you know a crackhead is sober when they start gaining weight you know. So seeing my mom when she when I got off the plane and seeing how she was heavy just was like a made me this was like a warm feeling inside for me because I had feeling like if my mom can do it cuz she was obviously getting better cuz she wasn't skinny you know if my mom could do it maybe so could I just like was a thought you know I have a million thoughts I can barely catch them and um that was just like a thought that ran through my head um I went straight into Elmherst Hospital I was uh and this is the condition that I was in when I got here. I was 94 lbs.
I was malnourished and dehydrated. I had acute bladder, kidney, and urinary tract infection. I had scabies, which is a sexually transmitted disease from head to toe.
It's like body life. So, I was always itching. Long dreadlocks with bugs on them.
I was really sick, you know, really like ill. Not only mentally I was, that's another story. But physically, I was really sick at 17 years old.
And I went to the hospital and they said, you know, you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. And I was like, I mean, nobody where I came from ever got sober as far as I know. Nobody ever said alcoholic.
I mean, you just drank and smoked crack and that was what you did. I mean, it was like you I don't ever remember anybody saying, "Yeah, you know, I need to go to an AA meeting." I I don't remember anybody ever talking like that ever or suggesting that somebody else might have a problem. I mean, you just didn't even talk about like where, you know, where I was using at.
And um I basically heard them say what I heard that when the doctor said you need to quit doing drugs and alcohol. Basically what I heard is you need to quit doing drugs. I thought I'm 17 years old.
I don't have a problem with alcohol. I barely drink. If there's other drugs around, alcohol was like second.
I didn't I didn't care about it. So what I did is I got out of that treatment center and my mom was who was pregnant had a little apartment in Villa Park and I moved in with her. It was a really huge change.
the first time I lived with her in 5 years. And um I moved in there and I I was like, I'm not going to use drugs anymore. I'm going to do something with my life.
I started taking GD classes at a local college and then you're at the local college and you see somebody with dreadlocks and you think, "Oh man, I really want to be sober, but there's a guy with dreadlocks." Like, you know, and the next thing I know, I was like hanging out with this guy with a poncho and the dreadlocks. And the next thing you know, I'm drunk. And then whatever happened to trying to get my life together?
I have no idea. But I didn't finish those GED classes. And what I ended up doing was getting a fake ID, Illinois fake ID.
And um so I got a fake ID and I drank in the local bars in Villa Park. It's not a nice neighborhood. It's um I was used to the kind of neighborhood it was, you know, very trash.
And um so there was like two bars. There was friends in Company and then there was VP Sports Bar. So basically I went to Friends & Company and then I went to VP Sports Bar and then I went back to Friends & Company and then I went to VP Sports Bar and at 17 years old that was where my life was.
And I I was able to get a job at a local diner and do waitressing because that was all I was going to be at the rate that was what my mom was when she was able to work and that was all I was going to be um was a waitress who could not even work an 8 hour shift without drinking. And um I c I couldn't. So, this is funny cuz I'm in Georgia.
I always tell this story and nobody ever knows what I'm talking about, but I'm in a bar, I guess, and I meet a guy who's traveling from California. He says he's moving to Tybee Island, Georgia. Tybee Island.
Everybody's always like, "Where's that?" But you guys know where that is, right? And I guess I said I wanted to go with him. I guess that's what happened because I woke up there like two days later.
I really did. I did. I did.
And I lived there. I worked at I worked at the ore house. It's a restaurant.
The ore with an O house. Okay. Nobody ever believes that that's the name of it.
But that is the name of it. That's where I worked. I drank there.
There's a bar on every corner there. It's awesome. That's the best place in the whole world if you're at your bottom.
>> >> I mean it was awesome. It was really awesome there. And after 3 months, this guy was like, "Kathy, Carrie, Kelly, whatever your name is, you got to go home." And because I was like, you know, really bad.
I mean, I was like one of those suicidal drunks. I never went a full month without trying to kill myself. I was I tried to drown myself.
I tried to cut myself. I tried to crash. I crashed cars.
Well, I kept crashing cars with sobriety for attention, too, but we'll talk about that later. Um, I I just really didn't want to be alive. And I'm Thank you, you know, God, for not actually me succeeding any of those times I tried because my life is amazing today.
Um, so I left. It was Labor Day weekend. I went back to Illinois.
I got a job at that same restaurant, Copper Kitchen. And um I remember a woman coming in so funny. I used to see her at the bar and she would like she was like she would flash her boobs if somebody would buy her beer and she was like it doesn't matter what her name is but she would do like these weird things and I saw her in the restaurant with this older gentleman and she I was listening cuz I have elephant ears and she was saying um my life is so good now and I hadn't seen her in a bar in a while and she looked kind of a little bit more heavy and she looked and she was like my life is so good I love the 12 steps and I was like, "What is she talking about?
What is wrong with her?" And it was like that was in like um the end of September. And and then I drank and I tried some controlled drinking, thank God, in October where I would go play bingo and I would say, "If I win, I'll go to the bar. If I don't win, I'll go home." But I just always went to the bar.
You know, I never So, that's my proof that my controlled drinking didn't work cuz I went to the bar anyways. Either I went broke cuz I bought like cuz you don't just buy like if you're an alcoholic like a couple bingo cards. You have like a whole table full of bingo cards and you're like, you know, if you've ever played bingo, you get really crazy with it.
And um cuz I don't do anything normal, nothing in moderation, you know. So, um my controlled drinking didn't work. And in the end of October, I'll tell you what happened to me.
Um, I went out. I worked Monday through Thursday. So, basically Thursday night at the restaurant when I got off at 8:00, I pretty much drank from 8:00 on Thursday night right around till Monday morning when I needed to start at 11:00.
And that's what it was like for me. Now, I drank in between Monday through Thursday, but from Thursday till till Monday morning, I just I pretty much drank. And I drank on Mannheim.
It's a street in Chicago where the bars are open 24/7. and they actually closed for maybe an hour or two and you just sat in the parking lot. And um that's where I drank.
My life was disgusting. I was 18. I was bringing men home that were five, six times my age.
I mean, not six, that would be 120. But oh, I mean, really, I exaggerate, too. Honest, honest, honest.
Honest. Oh, guys, you know, and >> >> I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. Um, so my life was just, it was really, really bad.
I was doing all these things and it was just I would wake up and I lived right by this train station in these apartments with my mom and I would go across the street. When I woke up, I would go across the street and I would get a little fifth of Southern Comfort, a little fifth of Amordoto cuz in the end that's all I could afford. And that would start my morning.
I would have this fifth of Amordoto that I bought from the White Hen, which is like 7-Eleven. And um that's how I would start my morning every day. And you know, like 15 minutes before I was walking across the tracks, I was telling myself, I'm never going to do this again.
I'm never because I would wake up with tattoos. I have five tattoos. One of them I remember getting and that was I have a big AA symbol on my back that I got at 60 days sober.
Don't do it. Um but I knew, you know what, I knew I've never relapsed and I knew from the time I came here that I needed to be here. So I guess I thought, you know, I was going to need to be here whether I was or not.
You know, screw it. Put the AA symbol on there. And um so there was a lot of lot of consequences for my drinking, you know, like tattoos.
And um so I was working in this restaurant and this is when the miracle happened. Um AA members would come in for fellowship. And if you next time you're in a meeting and you think about not going to the restaurant for fellowship, just go cuz you never know whose life you're going to change from just being you, you know.
Um, and the AA members would come and they would ask for me. Why? I don't know.
But I was like 95 lbs, long hair, smelled like boobs. Had a boobs. Smelled like booze.
I had a fifth of Southern Comfort in my pocket. My my uniform was too big. I really rire.
I'm sure some of them that were newly sober saw me out and I didn't remember them. And the wait the waitresses in the restaurant would say, "Oh no, here come those AAs." Nobody liked to wait on the AAS, in case you guys don't know that. Um, and I would be like I would be like, "Oh no, here come those A's, too." But really, I didn't know what an AA was.
I had no idea. I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what I did know is there was men and women, young and old, gay or straight, black and white.
There was like a really a melting pot of people. People that normally would not mix, right? That's what was there at the table.
And they were so nice to me. But there was this one guy, Eugene P, and he was so rude. He was like, "You're going to die before you're 21." And I'd be like, "Great." You know, who cares?
Thank you. You know, but he was so mean. He was so mean.
And on December 17th, 1995, 11 months after I moved to Chicago, he framed me. That guy, he set me up. He came back on a Monday night one minute before my shift was over with two of the cutest newcomer guys I've ever seen in my life.
Still to this day, they were the hottest men in Alcoholics Anonymous. I I was just like, and they sat down. They said, "Kelly, will you sit down with And I was like, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YES. YES, I will. They were like, do you want to come to an AA meeting with me us tonight?
I'm like, AA, BA, BB, wherever you guys are going. Let's go. Come on.
I mean, my higher power knew what I needed to get here, you know, cuz I was really lonely. Were there any lonely women in here at the end? I mean, I was so lonely.
I was like, "Anything, please." And um I'll pay you. You know, it was really bad. So, um I went to my first AA meeting and thank you everybody that's been here longer than, you know, 6 years and 10 months.
Thank you for staying and uh and making this available for me because when I got here, I mean, I was craw I crawled through those doors and it was a small meeting. Um it was a firststep meeting. There was all men all over the age of 35, which was ancient when you're 18.
And they all had just they were just drinkers and they were from this small suburb. And I had absolutely nothing on the outside in common with these gentlemen. Nothing.
And I don't really remember anything they said to tell you the truth about their story or about alcoholism. What I do remember is we're going to love you until you learn to love yourself. Which was like great.
13 men. I'm like all right. And and they said keep coming back.
And I heard that keep coming back. It it had been a long time since anybody had asked me to come back. I was like, "Okay." And here's the most amazing thing.
So, I drank at friends in Company and I drank at VP Sports Bar and in the middle of those two bars was a Nona Center East and that was the club that I got sober in. And um so what I would do is I would go to friends and then I would go to a meeting and then I would go to VP sports bar for 14 days or 17 days from B my sobriety date is January 6 and they they 12step me on December 17th. So for that period of days I went to a meeting every day and I went to a meeting every day wasted because that's how I needed to be to walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am never never mad when there's a wet drunk that walks into my home group. I'm like, "You know what? There's a seat next to me empty or here's a seat.
Not really next to me, but um no, because Becca sits there and she's here and you know, she knows the truth, so I don't want to lie." Um, so I came every day and on January 5th, I heard a guy say, Pontiac Joe, he was speaking. It was a Saturday night speaker at this club. We had a steak Saturday night steak dinner and that's where I learned to cook.
As a matter of fact, um he said, and I swear he was looking at me. Did you ever feel like that where the speaker's like looking at me? Maybe it's just my self-centerness, but I swore he was like looking right at me.
And he said, I don't know, but I'm sure you guys were saying this, but like I didn't really get you have to not drink to be an AA. Like I got that you can have a better life, but like I miss don't drink. So I was always drunk and he was like and he said that and I was like don't drink and I kind of like looked around like are all these people not drinking.
Jeez. Jeez. And then he said if you don't want to drink, which I didn't.
I really did not want to drink. He said go home, put your keys under your bed at night, and while you're down there, say thanks. And when you need to get your keys to leave in the morning and you're down there on your knees getting your keys, say please.
And um I did that and I haven't had a drink since. Um I haven't Thank you. Thank you.
I um it hasn't been an easy almost 7 years for me. And that's what I'm going to spend. I know you guys probably want to get out here, go dance into the open mic night.
That's where I'm going to be. But I'll tell you a little bit what it's like, what it was, what it's been like for me. um from 18 to 25.
Um once again, thank you to the people that have been here longer than me. This is an amazing place to grow up. I can't imagine a better place to grow up than in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It has just been awesome. Um my sponsor when she speaks Polly, she always says, "And great events have come to pass." And that's what I'm going to spend the next 15 or so minutes talking about. some of the great events that have happened in my life and some of the not so great things that have happened.
When I first got sober, I was 18 and I was crazy. And um my mom had that baby and right after my mom had that baby, she went back to doing drugs to smoking crack. So I got sober in this house for a year, a little over a year with a mom who was drinking back box wine and smoking crack and blow literally like blowing it at me.
And um I had this six-month old brother and he has uh his name is Tommy and he has Down syndrome and he's autistic and he was really a handful. And here was this baby and here was my mom and all these men. She had come in and out.
So I took this baby and I went to meetings and um what the reason I'm telling you what it was like for me is when I was really new is because I work I have a privilege and an honor of working with a lot of women and a lot of times you hear like I can't get sober cuz I'm around it. You got to change your people, places, or things. I don't know anything about that except for that.
If you want this program, it's here. It's not for the people that need it because a lot more people than the people in this room need it in Georgia. It's for the people that want it.
And I wanted it. I wanted this program. And even though that was my environment, I was able because of you guys to stay sober.
So, I got sober in this little club in Villa Park. Everybody was much older than me. I played dominoes.
The older gentlemen stayed there with me overnights and the nights that I thought if I went home I would use. We played dice, we played cards, we played dominoes. They just kept me busy.
They kind of like took me under their wing, these old guys. And it was just great. And at 34 days sober, I did the best thing that I think you can do if you're a young person.
I went to a young people's convention and um it was like 500 young guys. I'm sure there was girls there too, but I was like I mean I had for 34 days I had been around you know 90 year olds as far as I was concerned and they were like young men and they were sober and they were enthusiastic by me and it like they were enthusiastic about AA and I hooked up with these young people and the reason I'm telling you this is cuz you know what hooking up with them didn't get me a sponsor. It didn't my honesty date is way different than my sobriety date.
It didn't get me honest. It didn't keep me faithful. But you know what it did?
It kept me busy and I joined these committees and I got a service commitment. I wouldn't be sober. I got a service commitment on a city that was bidding for a regional convention.
It's called Gurkipod. It's no longer around. Great Lakes Regional Convention.
And I in 1996, I got on their bid committee. They were bidding to bring this convention to their town. And I was the hospitality chair because it was what they gave the newcomers, I guess.
Um, sorry if Tommy's in here. Are you in here? >> He's the hospitality chair, right?
Sorry. Um, but that's what they gave me. Um, I'm not sure.
Sorry. Um, there I go again. So, that's what I did.
And like I said, I was a wreck. I didn't do anything right except for I showed up for that commitment. I showed up for that lousy committee meetings where everybody was smoking, everybody was arguing, everybody was talking and arguing about money.
I mean, I didn't know what was going on except for that if I wasn't there when they went to Michigan to bid on this convention, nobody would put the hospitality room together. Now, I know that's not true. Somebody else would have done it.
But I felt like I needed to continue to go AA meetings because in March, now this was in, you know, February, when we went to or in April, when we went to Michigan to bid on this conference, I needed to be there. And it kept me involved. That commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous kept me involved long enough for you guys to wrap your arms around me.
Cuz in the beginning, I was like tough girl. I was like, I put my cigarettes out with my bare feet. I don't hug me, you know.
I was like very like if you put a mean face on, people won't come up to you, Kelly. You know, I was like really I was just really really afraid. And you guys were the longer.
So then after that we actually I think we got the convention that year or maybe the next year but then I I was on the host committee and that commitment kept me sober and basically what service commitment and then I became an alternate GSR which was just an an amazing thing and I started learning about Chicago AA general service which is probably boring to a lot of people in here but it was something about me that just it was just really amazing one because when I got sober I didn't know how to read and being involved in general service, you I actually had a service sponsor that was willing to sit down with me and help me read the literature, about the traditions, about the concepts. I had somebody I wasn't reading about the steps at this point in my sobriety, but I was learning about the traditions and the concepts. And it was it was it was just it was a way to lock me into Alcoholics Anonymous to the m until the miracle happened.
And what happened to me was at 4 years of sobriety and um 20 I think I was 22 at the time, I had a job that I had been in for um about three and a half years. I was making about double my age, maybe a little bit more than that. I had gotten my GED um and I had scored like in the top 10% or something of anybody who's ever taken it.
I'd gone to two years of college. I My mom was sober. I had a relationship with her.
I had an amazing relationship with my brother. I had like eight sponsies following me around that I was bossing around and um I had a boyfriend, I had an apartment, like I had all this stuff and you know what I said? I got this stuff.
>> That's what I thought. Look at all the stuff I got. Look at who I am.
Look at what I did. And so I started I heard somebody say like something about humility and something about prayer. And so I prayed for humility and My car was stolen by a newcomer, brand new car.
I had no insurance because when you're me, you don't need car insurance. And um I lost my position at my firm. We got bought out by another company.
That boyfriend, that sweet little boyfriend broke up with me. Um those sponsies all of a sudden didn't want what I had. Um I needed to change apartments.
Like these things started, I said at the time, they were ripped from me. Oh, I lost that scholarship to that college because when my car got stolen, I was so sad. I got a C and I lost my SC.
I lost everything. So, what I was at at about four years of sobriety, I was a blubbering idiot. And when I was at meetings, new people would come up to me and say, "It's going to be okay." Be like, "I'M FOUR YEARS SOBER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" But they thought I was new because I was a blubbering idiot. I was absolutely devastated that God took all this stuff for me. All the things that I got, right?
All the stuff that I had worked so hard for to get were all gone. And I was just I was nothing. And what that forced me to do is it forced me to take the bus to work, which was it was so humiliating for me.
But when I was on the bus and when I was walking to the bus stop, I was praying. I was praying praying. I was praying.
I was actually willing to start a relationship with my higher power. I was willing even though I didn't I wasn't even sure at that time that I believed. I was willing to start because I was in so much pain.
I was so humiliated. And I got this amazing sponsor. Her name was Lisa.
She was just like, "Step, step." She was really kind of mean sometimes. She was like, "Step, step." Then she started slowly slowly taking me through the steps which I had dabbled in before but I I actually I had written four inventories. A lot of them I put lies on.
I was just unable to be honest. I can't believe I h I I haven't drank. It's just amazing.
It's just it's unbelievable. Um she started talking about the steps. So what I started doing I started following and this is this is where my life really started to change.
Um, I started to follow my sponsor around because she was going through a divorce. She had just lost her husband. She had just lost her mom and she had watched her mom take her last breath.
My sponsor was really desperate and willing. And there's something magical about having a sponsor who was she was 12 years sober at the time. She was really desperate and willing.
There's something magical about that. And she was following her sponsor around TJ. So, we were all It started out there was like six of us.
And then all of a sudden, we were just following each other around. And the next thing you know, the group was like 40 people. And my sponsor was asked to speak at um a meeting in Oaklan, Illinois.
And it's called Oaklan Bigbook Group. And in um Chicago, we have a lot of different AA. I'm sure there's a lot of different AA here.
But this AA was AA that I did not like. It was AA where people dress nice. When the women were asked to speak, they were in a pants suit or, you know, a skirt.
The men when they were asked to speak, they wore ties. And um it was I mean I wore sweatpants, t-shirts with no bras to AA meetings at 4 years sober. I had no self-worth.
It's not funny. I had no dignity, no self-respect, no self-worth, no self-esteem. I was just But I had done it all, you know.
And um I went to this meeting and of course I was like, "Oh god." But I had this like love for Alcoholics Anonymous that's always been in my heart. And um I went there and this was like about two and a half years ago, almost three years. And I went to this meeting.
My sponsor was speaking at it. Now I was only at this meeting because I was desperate enough to follow my sponsor around. And I was in the third row.
I was with two of the women that I sponsor. And um I saw this man sitting in the front row that when um an older gentleman, an old older man and somebody with more sobriety time than him came up, this this gentleman um stood up and let this guy sit in his seat. And I thought, man, that's really nice.
Like in the kind of AA I went to, people weren't doing that. And um I kind of took a liking to that guy. And Rich, can you stand up?
That's Rich. That's my husband. That's the one that's sleeping with the speaker.
Just him today. Can you believe that? Um I saw him and I saw his respect and his love for Alcoholics Anonymous and I thought I want what he has literally like spiritually too.
And um I saw him there and I saw him, you know, a few nights later at a meeting and then I saw him at an AA dance and um he was kind enough to ask me if I wanted to ride home and then walk me to my door and I I actually because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people in this room and willingness that God gave me, I actually had a man ask me out on a date. That is amazing. Maybe a has a lot of women had that happen?
I had never had that happen. I was not a type of girl even in Alcoholics Anonymous that people asked out. That's not who I was.
Because you know what? Gentlemen in this program don't ask out women that don't have any self-esteem, self-respect, dignity, honor, sobriety. And he asked me out.
And I have been always for the last two and a half years that I've been with my husband actively sponsored through my marriage. Through the first date, my sponsor told me what to do. She told me what to wear.
When he said, "Will you go out with I said, "I'd be honored." Cuz that's what I was taught to say in AA. Um I said, "I'd be honored." Like if somebody asked me to speak or something. Um and he was a he was a member of another strong home group and um you know the AA that I was not familiar with.
And I would talk to him on the phone and he would talk about principles. He would talk about the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, things that I had never heard. He would talk about looking your best at your home group.
He would talk about reaching your hand out to the new person whether you like them or not. I was like being I mean he was just talking about all this stuff and what happened because enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm. I caught fire with what my husband was doing and I would travel with him to his home group.
And a little bit was because he's so cute, but a lot of it was because I was just excited about this new AA. All of a sudden, sitting in discussion meetings and talking about broken down cars and loss of jobs and bad moods wasn't working for me. What was working for me was I was going to this meet these meetings where there was speakers that were sharing experience, strength, and hope.
Sometimes I left these discussion meetings and I don't know if anyone can can relate but I left and I felt like hopeless like oh my god that guy with seven years wants to blow his brains out. It's looking bad for me you know and I go to these meetings and then I started going to these meetings where the speaker had to have over 5 years and they were talking about what it was like what happened and what it's like now. And what it's like now is always better.
Even in the bad times what it's like now is always better. Always better. So I started going to these meeting and it was like an hour and a half an hour an hour away where we went to these meetings because we live in the city and they were in the suburbs and um about a year and a half ago driving back in traffic from our home group that we went to twice a week my husband and I said why don't we create this group in our neighborhood?
Why don't we start a home group where it's safe for men and women, young or old, black or white, gay or straight, to come and be safe? Why don't we create that? There was nothing around us.
And so we started talking a little bit. We talked to our sponsors. We talked to some other activists, enthusiastic people in our neighborhood.
And today and about a year and a half ago, we started the Chicago Foxhole group. And um can you guys stand up? 10 of them drove here 14 hours to see me.
Thank you. So, um I have a group of like 80 or 90 people. I have Listen to me.
I made it. I go to my home group on Wednesday night and I see like, you know, 80 or 90 people that are pretty young. Most of us are really young.
So, what we have now going on is a pretty young group of young people with manners. That's what I like to call it. We look nice.
>> >> We um we don't swear from behind the podium. Um we don't wear jeans and flip-flops to our home group. We try to be an example for the new person that now these are just the principles that we do at our home group.
I'm not saying they're the right principles for Alcoholics Anonymous cuz what I do know is that I am actively involved in the right kind of AA for me. What you do might kill me. What I do might kill you.
I'm not sure now. I think it will help all you, but it it works for me. It works for me.
I've been in other types of AA where it's a little bit less structured and you can wear sweat I mean you could wear sweatpants and a t-shirt with no bra. My home group people would just kind of like look at you not badly. But we try to at at my home group the the people with time are trying to steer us newcomers in the right direction.
you know that this is an amazing program and if we don't cherish it and pay attention to the traditions and to the concepts like there ain't going to be no more AA and um an amazing amazing thing happened to me and earlier this year I have an I have an um I have the privilege of having a ton of sponses I don't know why I don't I don't know what they want from me but they call me all the time and I sponsor this one woman who um was pregnant and and um she got pregnant and she had a baby and the baby's here. Juliet, you've probably heard her and say hi. And um I was I was um I was in the room when she was born now.
I don't know if she's alcoholic. The verdict's still out. Maybe.
But I want I love that baby so much. I don't have my own kids yet. But I want AA to be here for her and for my kids.
And I'm glad it's here for me. And if I don't conform to those principles and those traditions and those it's not going to be here. I mean, I don't mean to I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.
Everybody here is active in Alcoholics Anonymous, but if I don't follow those, it's clear to me that I might be dead, but little kids like that, they're not going to they're not going to have anywhere to go. So what's really really special about my home group is that almost all of us are involved actively involved in general service. I am in January I'm finishing out my two-year term of DCM which is the district chair of my area.
I was alternate gsr and gsr and you know and now I'm I'm the DCM. I'm getting ready to do that and I'm thinking about going for area chairperson or maybe delegate someday. Can you believe that?
I think that for me I need to have unity which are you guys. Thank you. Service which is my dedication to area service and recovery.
And that's the last thing I want to talk about because I'm almost out of time. Um I believe wholeheartedly in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that are in how it works in the big book. They're not in a workbook that somebody wrote.
They're in the big book and how to do them I believe is in the big book and in the 12 and 12 that's where the solution is now I tried a lot of thing I tried Hazelton guides and other fourstep guides and workbooks that people in AA have written and what has worked with me is sitting down with one alcoholic and doing the steps being honest they're really not hard if you read them out of the book it's really easy you know can I concede to my innermost self. Yes. Am I willing to believe?
Am I will All I got to do is be willing. Can I turn it over? The 12 and 12 says turning The third step, turning your will in your life over.
The third step in the 12 and 12 says it's as easy as saying the serenity prayer in times of emotional disturbance. Can I write an inventory? They pretty much write it out for us.
They show us how to do it. Can I find somebody in my community that I can trust to read this to? Yeah, I can.
That's step five already. That easy. Can I get down?
Can I be by myself for an hour? Can I do that? Can I actually I tell my sponsies, no talking on the phone for that hour, no cleaning, no masturbation.
I go through the whole thing cuz those are things that I'm thinking about doing in that hour. You know, anything but think about the first five proposals and have I left anything out? And then I get down on my knees and I say the seventh step prayer with or without my sponsor, however you do it.
I like to do it with my sponsor. I have my eighth list, guys. When I wrote my inventory, I go out and I and I make those amends.
I don't believe in taking my eightstep list and breaking it down into three columns. People I'm willing to do, people I'm not willing to do, people I can't. I just make those amends.
My sponsor, I had 83 people on my amends list. And one by one, I made those amends. Whether it was a direct amends or indirect amends or a letter, I made those amends.
They're done. I'm I'm having to make new amends because I still make mistakes if you can believe that. And um but then 10, 11, 12 are my daily maintenance steps.
That's it. If you can do the first nine and even you can start step 10 when you're still in the middle of making your nine step amends because it says we commence this way of living as we're cleaning up the wreckage of our past or something like that. I'm not a good quoter, but um it says that I start that way of living.
So basically what I do is for 10 and 11, this is what I do. I read the questions out of the big book. I ask myself those things, you know, and I don't know if anybody's familiar with the questions, but for me, it's always yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Were you thinking of yourself most of the time? Yes.
Were you dishonest? Yes. Were you selfish?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Um but the last questions is the last question there is um I think it was um were you thinking of what you could pack into the stream of life or something like that. And I when I get to that question, I also think about the good things I've done.
And I'll let as a result of actively working the steps for a couple years now. Usually my slate is pretty even if not the good things are a lot more. So I've gone from being after just working the steps.
That's all I mean that was the big change in my life. This home group, this new sponsor, these sponses, my husband and the steps have changed my life. So I'm not sure what else there is.
Um I don't do much meditation yet. I am not. I believe for me I I do my morning prayers.
I pray through the day like it says to do whenever I feel out of it. But for me I believe that action is the loudest prayer. And I answer my phone when my sponsies call whether I want to or not.
It's not an option for me not to pick up that phone. It used to be. I used to think I got to talk to the pretty sponsies or the sponsies that I thought might make it.
Now I talk to anybody who's humble or willing enough to say, "Kelly Kelly Landrew, will you be my sponsor?" I answer all the calls. That's the I believe for me that is the biggest gift that I could give to God is to help his other children, you know. And um the last thing I want to say is that this has been I wish that I could meet all of you.
My sponsor speaks like all the time, like 49 weekends a year or something ridiculous like that. And she says that, you know, she doesn't love it, but what she likes about it is she gets to meet people from all over the world. And if I don't get to meet you this weekend, I really want to.
I'd really like to meet everybody in this room and get to know you. I just um what's happening to me this seventh year is my heart is opening up and I'm learning to love and um I know there's a lot of people that have been in the seventh year. It's just an amazing year.
I'm feeling compassion. Not a lot, but I'm feeling it. You when it starts to happen to a person that it's never happened to before, you feel it, you know, and when I see somebody in pain, I want to help them.
Not because I know it's the solution for me, but today I really want to help people. And um being asked to speak here was just um I don't want to say it was a dream come true because I was really nervous and um really scared and Carrie was just awesome cuz I was like shaking and um I couldn't really eat much and it's just been it's been crazy. But this is a life be my beyond my wildest dreams.
Like this is it. I never dreamed that I would be up here talking to you guys. And um I guess they say like this was such a big deal for me this last month.
I was like obsessed about this talk and obsessed about this talk. And you know my I have to remember and I was talking about this earlier on the plane with Dawn. My problems are so small today.
And um what I'm sure of today is that my problems today were my dreams when I got here. You know, I never ever ever thought that my life would be as good as it is now. So, thank you all for listening to me.
Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.
Until next time, have a great day.