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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody. Alcoholic.

My name is Elizabeth. I'm a member of hang loose which meets on the island of Aahu in Kaneoi Thursday nights. Not tonight.

Tonight I'm with you guys. I just wanted to say that uh our house must be squeaky clean. And that was a fearless and thorough house cleaning that Kavika just did for us.

And um I was sitting there thinking in my frightened state that um he just took 10 minutes of my time, right? Selfish and self-centered at times. It's an honor and a privilege to be at any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The single most important thing in my life is Alcoholics Anonymous. and that I have been transformed by the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I've been changed from the inside out, that I'm not the woman that I was that got here in April of 1999. My sobriety date is April 5th, 1999.

I have a sponsor. I have a home group. I sponsor others.

I'm in service. And it's been like that um all of my sobriety. And I'm incredibly grateful for that.

Um, I'm trembling actually. I don't know if you can see me. I'm really glad that this podium is here because my legs are kind of going like this.

And uh, I got nervous today. My stomach was kind of in knots. I was joking.

I don't know if those are butterflies or a whole flock of birds in there, but um, I've heard it said before at this podium that when I get nervous, it's my higher power shaking the truth out of me. and um and that every time I'm asked to share at any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I ask my higher power to please help me carry the message, the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, this message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I hope that I'm able to do that tonight.

I'm going to turn on my timer so I can be considerate. And um I want to thank Kathy for asking me to share um tonight. And uh this is a beautiful, beautiful venue, a beautiful event.

You guys are beautiful. This is such a beautiful thing that we come down here. I feel like a rock star when I come down to a function like this.

We're always dressed in our best and smelling good and we go park our car and we walk up and we see people on the escalator and I see people that I haven't seen all year. I I see people that I know from the mainland that come. I see people from other islands that come that I know from service.

I see people that live on Aahu that I only see once or twice a year. And it's just amazing. It's amazing.

I remember my very first convention in November 1999. It was at the Hawaii Convention Center and a friend of mine named Sheree and her husband Randy um was her fiance at the time. They picked me up, they gave me something to wear, they bought me a registration and they drugg me along to the convention all weekend and it used to be upstairs the upstairs ballrooms at the convention center.

And I just remember that mezzanine. It was filled with all these glamorous people and everybody was laughing and talking loud and yelling at each other and running across the area to meet each other. And I was like, "Wow, look at these beautiful people.

What do I have in common with them? What do I have in common with them?" Still not feeling like um like there could be a solution for me. But I stayed.

I stayed anyway. I came any I was petrified. There must have been about 2,400 people that year.

and and I attended that whole weekend and that was an amazing experience and I remember the following year I was able to buy my own ticket because of sobriety and I and I came and and I can't say that I've been every year that I've been sober but I can say that I've been most years and I'm and I'm really grateful for events like this. I'm really grateful for different topics. I love the theme of this convention freedom from bondage.

release me of the bondage of self, right? So that I may better do my thy will. Like that's my bondage.

My bondage is here. My bondage is not necessarily with the shackles, although I have experienced that as well, but it's it's the bondage of self. And um and I'm so incredibly grateful that we have a solution for that today.

That we have a solution for that. Um, when I was 10 years old, I had a hole in my soul. Not quite the size of it in as it was in 1999, but it was quite large at that time.

And I remember feeling like everybody else had some kind of secret password to life and that everybody else knew what they were doing and that everybody else fit in and that everybody else was comfortable and happy and I wasn't. And I was comparing my insides with your guys' outsides even at age 10. And my first conscious memories were being angry and resentful.

And you know, I just I just processed information differently than other people. You know, like I don't know a lot of 10-year-olds. Like my kids right now are 12 years old.

They don't run around with resentments like that. Like something the way that I was processing information even at age 10, it made sense to me to pick up that first drink at the age of 10. That first drink was not my problem.

That first drink was my solution to my problem. My problem was the way my perception. My problem was my thinking.

My problem was the way I felt. And it was the it was the solution. It was fun.

I thought I was cool. Um I hung around the bad kids. I like to skip class.

And I like to also um partake in some outside condiments that um helped my alcoholic pleasure. And I did this at a young age, 10, 11 years old. The first time I got arrested, I was 11 years old.

That made sense to me. This this makes sense to shoplift at Nordstrom's when I'm 11. I used to like I always did like high heel shoes.

And there were these shoes called Candies. They were popular back then. And for those who remember Candy Shoes, they'll be doing the math and they'll know, you'll know exactly how old I am.

It's not a secret. I can tell you after the meeting if you're interested. But um like I wanted these candies with this like sheep skin fur on the inside and they were like half boots but they had like these wooden heels and um and I had to have them and my mom was a poor single mother.

We were mostly on food stamps most of my life and she wasn't going to buy me those and I decided that I needed to have those and so I I grabbed those and um needless to say the first time I got arrested I was 11. So, I started shoplifting that same year. I went to DH and uh and I remember my mom left me there for a while.

Now, in my head, she left me there to teach me a lesson, but in all actuality, I do not know. She could have been working or she couldn't get there or she didn't have a ride or whatever, but she did finally come and pick me up. And um I spent a lot of time in DH.

I was a juvenile juvenile delinquent. Uh a couple years later, I made the decision to leave my mother and I never went back. And I left home at 14.

And at 14, when you leave home, there's not too many um uh legitimate paths you can take. And I ended up meeting a a group of people who did not also want to live in any legitimate paths of life. They weren't interested in being taxpayers or um law-abiding citizens.

And um and they I parttook in what um in what lifestyle they had to offer. And um and they uh trained me. Uh I was like on the job training type of thing.

And um I lived that lifestyle for many many years. Many years. Most of my teenage years um was spent um either uh institutionalized in group homes, foster homes.

I became awarded the court real early on. Um my mother was um a member of a Muslim community and she went um on a missionary trip to Pakistan. She was an American Muslim.

She went with her husband. They went to Pakistan to build a clinic in Pakistan and they couldn't get a hold of my mother and they thought that certainly she was probably living with a bunch of religious fanatics. And so they figured that they better take me as a word of the court for my own safety.

Although I hadn't been living at home in years and so I was always either on the run or um incarcerated in my teenage years. I dropped out of school of the eighth grade and I never did go back to school. Um I like to read.

I guess that's um why I'm not, you know, incredibly stupid. But um that didn't sound right. So, um fast forward a little bit.

Um I got my GED when I was 17. I was incarcerated in a in a teenage um kitty prison type of place. And um when I was 19, I got pregnant and I gave birth to my daughter.

And I remember um giving birth to my daughter. I had a home birth by choice. I had re reconciled with my mom and my mom was a midwife and we did a natural child birth at home.

And I remember giving birth to her May 22nd, 1987. And I held her in my arms and I was in love with that baby. And I vowed that I would be the very best mother that I could.

And I promised to love and protect her. And life was good for a while. Life was good for a while.

I did not know at that time that um that I was powerless over alcohol and that dictated and managed my life. I had no idea. I did not know that I had an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body.

I did not know that I had a spiritual malady that's described in our in our book. And um and I couldn't take care of her. And things went well for a while until I started to go work in a bar because I thought that was really convenient for me.

I could work at night and take care of my kid during the day. Except the problem was that during the daytime I couldn't take care of her because I was sleeping or I was hung over or I was still up from the night before and I was in no shape to take care of her. Um, and it was only a matter of time where I'd leave her at the babysitters or I'd leave her at her auntie's house for a few days in a row.

And I remember one time it was snowing and my sister brought my daughter back and she said, "She's been with me for like three days. You're not even at work. You need to take her." and it was um snowing real lightly.

I'm from Portland, Oregon and um doesn't snow a lot there, but um I opened the door and I I took my daughter and she was about 2 years old and I sat her outside and I shut the door and I went back inside and I only left her out there for a moment. But that was my that was my solution at the time. That was my idea of something that I you know that was okay.

And used to think the things that I have done, the actions that I take make me this horrible person, make me this evil person that can never be happy, that never deserves happiness, that never deserves peace, love, or harmony in her life because of the things that I've done. Excuse me. And I know that's not true today.

I don't judge myself like that today because of what you guys taught me and what you guys showed me. That I might have done some horrific things, but I'm not a horrific person. And um and so it was a short time after that that um that I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I couldn't handle it. You know, I was always I was always the victim. I was always like, "Oh, you guys done me wrong.

Everybody's messing me over. I can't handle this anymore." And my daughter went to the live with my mom. My mom moved to Texas.

She took my daughter with her. Was only going to be for a little while. It was just going to be for a little while until I could get it together.

And that little while turned into 13 years. Shortly after that, I decided to move to Hawaii. I was in my early 20s and um I thought at that time that the kind of trouble that I was getting into like getting cars repossessed, abandoning apartments, um you know, giving up my child, uh not being able to maintain friendships or relationships, um that these types of troubles that I was experiencing my life were certainly from the people that I was hanging around.

you know, these guys were bad news and I needed to get out of town. And so me and my best runin buddy buddy, we went and bought like this steamer trunk from Kmart. We packed all our worldly belongings.

I was smaller then, so a lot more clothes could fit in a trunk this big, you know, cuz my clothes are smaller. And um so we bought a one-way ticket over here and uh landed in Wy Ki. And I moved here in March of 1991.

And uh I came over here to work in clubs on Kamoku. And um and I did about the first or second night here. I drank to a blackout.

I caught a cab all over the island. Don't recall how I paid for it. Um met um some people who like to um partake in outside condiments as well.

And um I felt like I had totally arrived. But that wasn't the intention, right? The intention was to move over here.

That's a pretty big move, right? Pack all your stuff, buy a one-way ticket, fly across the Pacific Ocean. The intention was to come over here and get out of trouble and to stay out of trouble and to start a fresh life.

And um immediately I I fell into the exact same behavior. Just the place had changed and the car the scenery, the background and the and the supporting roles, the supporting characters had changed and nothing else changed. That's that geographical that we hear so much about.

That was that geographical. And um one thing notable in my drinking history is that I love to drink hard alcohol. Liquor is quicker, right?

No offense to you beer lovers, but I like to drink for the effect. Beer makes me feel really full. And um I'm also a puker, so um hard liquor works out a lot better for me.

And when I got here, the town that I'm from, it's not like a real small country town or anything, but they have liquor stores. They're staterun and um they close on Sundays. They close at 8:00 at night.

You can't buy bottles of booze after 8:00 at night, right? 7-Eleven I think you can buy wine coolers and beer until 11 maybe or something. I'm not even sure.

But um that wasn't really my type of party. And I did also work in clubs in Portland, but um they only served wine coolers and beer. So, I didn't really like that.

So, I got here and um uh there's like ABC stores, Long Safeway, 7Eleven, every club, the smallest hole in the wall. Um You Buy Me Drinky Club. Um any with the booths with the real high sides on them.

Um you can buy liquor. And so I was drinking all the time. I never had to really pay for my alcohol.

Um, I was working in clubs. I was drinking at work during work. I would drink during the day.

We'd hang out on the beach in Wanky Ki. We drink during the day and um and life was like a blur, you know. Life was a blur.

I um entered into several successive relationships and just um I look at myself at this period of my life like a little Tasmanian devil. like just like you know the cartoon the Bugs Bunny one where like all the roots are like flying and stuff and and that was just me. I was insane.

I was insane. I remember I had this roommate, her name was Renee. I always try to find her on the internet because I owe her an amends and I haven't found her in several years of looking.

But I I believe that my higher power will put her in my path if it's meant to be for me to make an amends to her and to thank her for what she tried to help me. Um but she was my roommate and she was this um really tall like Nordicl looking blonde with really long hair and girlfriend liked to drink like she could actually drink me under the table. But the difference about her and me is that she could always stop if given sufficient reason.

and I could not. And her sufficient reason might be something simple that might seem commonplace for most normal folks, like paying the rent or going on a a trip, right? Or your family is visiting and you got to get it together and save some money.

Or um or the sun is coming up and the birds are chirping, it's time to go to sleep. And I'm starting to look at her like something is wrong with you, right? But it really was that something was wrong with me.

And that was uh incredibly frightening. Now, I would have to say that my family and loved ones who had known me for years had known for a long time that something was wrong with me. But I thought that there was something wrong with everybody else.

Now, this is a pattern for me, right? Like, it's not me, it's you guys. And um you know that thing about pointing one finger at you and four more back at me.

Mine was more like pointing my thumb at me and four going back at you, right? Like that's how I lived right in those days. And what I recognized through um the process of the steps is that when I'm a victim, I do not have to take responsibility for my actions.

And when I'm a victim, I don't I don't I'm not accountable for anything I do. And when I'm a victim, I have a license to ill. I can do whatever I want.

And in my mind, it's okay. And um I think that when uh I was living with Renee and I started getting this sense that um really truly that something was wrong with me, that was my first Yeah, that was the first time that I started believing that I might have a problem. It was shortly after this that um I had a boyfriend and we got in engaged and um he was kind of like a it was kind of like a hostage situation although there were no negotiators there to try to rescue him and um I remember that we were partying uh one night and um or for for a while and then his car got um repossessed and he was like, "That's it.

I quit. I am over this. This I'm done.

Completely done. Completely on the wagon. I'm on the wagon." And I was like, "Wow, you are totally overreacting.

What? We don't even really need a car. Let's see.

We live above sillies. We hang out at the wave. We work right down the street.

Um, what what are you talking about? You know, and I was dead serious. Like, I did not see anything wrong with him losing his iRock, right, in the early 90s, right?

IRO. Remember that. I was like, come on, you still got your motorcycle.

It's okay. And um and he's like, I quit. And I'm like, okay, me too, then.

I quit, too. So, I worked at a club and I got off at 1:00 a.m. He worked at a club and he got off at 4:00 a.m.

So, I had 3 hours and my nighttime shift, right? But 3 hours to really just do whatever I needed to do and I did on a daily basis. And I remember just living that secret life, that double life, hiding it, trying to manipulate things, trying to, you know, manage trying to manage and um there it was again.

I couldn't stop. He could stop if given sufficient reason and I could not. There was plenty of sufficient re reasons.

You don't get fired from the kind of clubs I work at, but I did. I worked at I don't work there anymore. So, um I gotta check check my time here.

We Okay, so um around this time I found this area of the island. It's called Chinatown. Seemed like such a great place.

Everybody's so friendly. They all want to share with me. And it's our red light district basically.

it in those days it definitely was. It's really artsy now. It's it's different.

But um that um led into you know I'm I'm walking around and here's people who are not definitely not trying to stop if given sufficient reason. They don't care about paying their rent because you don't have to pay rent at all park, right? You really don't have to pay rent at the Peep Show.

Although you do, but it's only in quarters. So you could pay it 10 roll a roll of quarters at a time. It's very flexible.

They have a flexible payment p plan. So basically I ripped and ran down there for 5 and a half years. And I want to tell you that it got ugly.

I am a skid row drunk. When it comes down to it, I'm a skid row drunk. And I remember my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous back when the boy the fiance with the IRock when he told me I had a problem and and um I told him I quit and then I actually tried to quit for a little while.

I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at Happy Hour at VFW across the street from the Hard Rock Cafe. And I went to that meeting and um and I looked around and you guys all were getting up saying that you were alcoholic and I thought, you know what, alcoholic is like a trench coat guy on Skid Row, right? like a guy in the alley in a long trench coat with Thunderbird wrapped in a paper bag.

And that is not me. I am too young. I am too cute.

And I kind of maybe I'm a drug addict, like kind of Hollywoodish and rockstar, but I'm certainly not an alcoholic. And so I look around at these people and these people are getting up talking about the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're talking about the steps.

They're talking about being transformed. They're talking about having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And I'm going, doesn't apply to me.

So, I certainly wasn't ready for to have a spiritual experience. I needed to go back out there and get a little more ready. And that's what happened.

And I have to tell you that those were my yets, right? That those were my yets. I also ended up at treatment center for about um 5 days.

And I remember that I was sitting in there in group with women who had lost their children to CPS, who were on parole or they were going to go to prison. I hadn't been in trouble as an adult yet. I hadn't lost my kids to CPS yet and um and it wasn't for me.

I was looking at all the differences and none of the similarities. And the bottom line is that um I didn't have that moment of clarity yet. But um I just I just find that interesting that um that I became the very thing that I said that I wasn't.

that I became that guy in that trench coat in the alley smelling like piss asking for 50 cents figuratively, not literally. But I did become a skid row drunk. There were some horrific things that happened.

Um there was some crazy insane times. Um, I had two children out there and um and I could not stop drinking and I could not stop those outside condiments and um I didn't mean to do that. That wasn't the plan.

And um and I gave birth to my first son in 1997 at Queen's Hospital and I and I kept him in the room with me and I named him and I I said yes to CPS. I'm going to do the treatment plan. I'm going to do whatever you say that I need to do.

And they said, 'Well, you can leave, but your son has to stay here. And I said, 'Okay, I will go do what you say to do. And and and they gave me a meeting schedule, and I went to an interview.

They gave me a place to go to interview. I went to the interview. They said, "You can come back in one week.

There's a bed for you in one week." And I went right back downtown with my meeting schedule in my hand and the phone number that I was supposed to call every day to let them know that I was still willing. And I don't even think I made that call, not one time. And I remember going to the CPS office all wasted and holding my son in his arm, in my arms, and looking at him.

And I loved him just like I loved my daughter who lived with my mom. And I loved the children that I gave birth to. And I never got to be a mother to them.

Those two boys. I had another boy out there. And and I did not um get to be a mother to him as well.

and I lost my parental rights to my that first son in 90 um I'm sorry that was 1995 and in 97 I got pregnant again and this time I when I gave birth in the hospital I didn't call for him to come in my room he stayed in the nursery I didn't leave him I didn't I didn't name him I was just waiting I had my little chronic friend sleeping on the couch stealing BaskinRobins ice cream from the nurs's station waiting for me to be okay to leave the hospital as soon as we left Queens we like bam right downtown Smith & Hotel just automatic pilot. At this time I had a death wish I wanted to die. I felt so hurt and I felt so broken inside.

This was really really the beginning of the end for me. And in and interestingly enough one month after that almost to the day of my second son's birth I got my first felony arrest in downtown. And that started my revolving door in the judicial system here in Hawaii.

And I was either from that time on from November 13th, 19 97 until I got sober. The last time I got arrested, April 4th, 1999, was either incarcerated or running from the law. Every time I was outside of an institution, I was wanted by the police.

I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm incredibly grateful for everything that I've shared with you tonight because um I had that moment of clarity. had to run it real real hard.

I had to run it real hard so that I was willing to do whatever it took. I had to uh exhaust all my resources and and I really did. I really did.

So in April of 1999, actually in March of 1999, at this point in my life, I have a drug dealer boyfriend. I'm living at the Pacific Marina Hotel, which is a very high class establishment out by the airport. And um I only hang by myself because you guys are all out to get me for sure.

And I'm sitting alone in my hotel room and this pain washes over me that no amount >> >> that no amount of getting loaded can can quiet it. It won't go away. In that moment, it stopped working for me.

It stopped being the solution. And in our book, in a vision for you, it talks about that we'll be at the jumping off place. That someday you will be unable to imagine life with or without alcohol.

That you will wish for the end. that you'll be at the jumping out place, jumping off place. It talks about the four hideous horsemen, the terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair.

And I knew those guys real well. Those guys had been living with me for years. And in the end, they were my constant companions.

And that that night, March, I don't know if it was night or day. It was probably like 2:00 3:00 in the morning. That was my usual time.

And um and I got on my knees and I asked God for help and in a matter of two weeks God did ask answer my prayer and he answered my prayer in the form of HPD and one more time um I got arrested. So on April 4th of 1999 I will never forget that day ever. I never want to forget that day.

I never want to forget how I felt. I never want to forget what I was thinking. I never want to forget that utter loneliness, that despair, that darkness.

And um and I got arrested and I went to W trip on the winward side and that started my recovery. And um so the day in March that I forgot to mention is I don't know if I mentioned this, but I got on my knees and I asked God for help. And I said, "God, please help me.

I can't live like this anymore and I don't know how to live." And I didn't know what kind of God I was praying to. I didn't have a specific name for my God, just a generic god. And um I had some um confusions about religion because of my mom's involvement in some um eastern religions.

And I wasn't um I wasn't certain what I believed, but all I knew is that it was a is a plea for help. And you know, I just went about my merry way. And then two weeks later, bam, I'm arrested again.

And it wasn't my first time in jail. It wasn't my second time in jail as an adult. It here in Hawaii.

It was about my fifth time being arrested. And something was different. Something was different because of that prayer.

And I believe that my recovery started with that prayer. And my sobriety date is April 5th of 1999. And um and I was in um prison for 4 months.

It's a relatively short time, but um but I had been in prison for years in in my own soul. And um something was different. I started reading the big book.

I attended meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um I started saying um a little little prayers. I remember that.

I went to um this meeting every Tuesday night. And I really appreciate Ernestina and Shorty who's no longer with us. They used to bring the meeting in to W triplec every Tuesday night.

And um sometimes I wasn't paying attention. I was going there to get my paper signed so I could show the parole board. I was planning ahead.

You see, I'm still a thinker, right? So I knew that I would see the parole board someday. So I was saving all my papers.

But I was going there and sometimes they would bring get to bring in outside speakers. And I was sitting in that meeting one night and a woman walked in and she had about one year of sobriety and she told a story that I could relate to. She was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

She had a home group. She was in um service with Heekawa. She um she talked about losing her kids to CPS getting her kids back.

She talked about crazy relationships. She talked about um she was in college and she was just on fire. You could just see it.

She would love life. She loved AA. She loved recovery.

She talked about some things that I could relate to and she and and she gave me the message of hope that I could recover. And um just that small small little tiny like a grain of sand hope that someone like me could recover. I didn't have to stay in prison for very long.

four months I got out to a state program and um and that program was instrumental in getting me stable. Um physically I wasn't well as far as not taking care of myself for years, never having medical insurance, never going to the dentist. I got here I didn't have no teeth.

My body was all bust up. Um, I was lucky to be alive when I got here and um, and I'm grateful for that program, but I know that Alcoholics Anonymous saved my soul and saved my life. And I showed up at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous State from prison.

I was angry. I was scared. I was mean.

I was shy. I looked rough. Someone tell me, "How you doing?" I'm say, "Fine." They like, "Notify your face." And I felt like I was smiling and I was like this all frowning and I'm like what?

I am smiling. What you mean? You know all rough.

I was a survivor. I survived out there for a long time. And um and I got here and that's that's the state that I got here in.

And I got here and I was so broken. >> >> I was so empty. The black hole that I tried to fill for so long had taken over my entire being.

The hole in the donut. I was the hole in the donut when I got here, you know. And I showed up at Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know of anybody who had done the things that I had done in the places I did them with the people I did them with.

I didn't know if anybody like me could get what you guys had. You guys were happy, joyous, and free. You guys had the freedom from bondage.

And I could see it because you guys didn't tell me that. You guys showed me that. You guys didn't tell me you loved me and accepted me.

You guys showed me you love me and accepted me. You guys didn't tell me that there was a solution to this spiritual malady. You guys showed me that there was a solution to this spiritual malady.

I heard early on someone said that don't preach me a sermon, show me a sermon. And that's what I saw. I showed up at my first home group of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was Came to Believe. And it used to be downstairs from CA, which is the psychiatric ward at Queens Hospital. And Lord knows I belonged upstairs instead of downstairs in that meeting.

But I went to that meeting every day Monday through Friday. And I knew that from 11:30 in the morning to I mean yeah in the morning to 1:30 in the afternoon that I was going to be okay because I would be at that meeting. And um I got my ser first service position there.

And I remember to this day the woman who was secretary in the meeting and she's like, "Hey, how much time do you have? Aren't you almost 6 months sober?" And I'm like, "You know, 5 months and 22 days or whatever it was." And she's like, "What do you do on Fridays? We need a secretary, and you have to have six months to be a secretary, and I can't do two positions anymore." And I'm like, "What do you got to do?" And she's like, "You know, you it's the steps.

You read the 12 and 12. Here's the key. Here's the key to the box where we keep all the stuff.

We keep all the books in there and we keep the basket that you pass for the seven tradition. You the box of coins. Here's the key.

So, you be here at 11. You know, you're going to have, you know, to explain everything to me. So, she gave me a key.

That was incredibly symbolic for me to this day that I was willing to be of service. I didn't know that's what I was willing to do, right? I thought I probably thought it was mandatory and I was probably trying to make her like me and but I was like, "Okay, hey, you know, yeah." And she's giving me this key.

So, she handed me the key to the box. But I have to explain to you guys that the box was this Tupperware box that had a big crack across the top and you didn't actually even need the key. There was a padlock on it, but all you really had to do was go like this with the lid and pull all your stuff out of the box.

And um but it didn't matter to me that nobody else had the key because they just opened it up in that manner. And um and I had the key and that began my love affair with service in Alcoholics Anonymous. That I am a member here.

That I don't just go to meetings, that I'm a member of something. That's what I always wanted was to be a member. I wanted to be a member with the cool kids, right?

I wanted to be a member with the Blackfoot tribe when I was downtown. Apparently, I wanted to be an inmate in the correctional facilities. I wanted to be a member.

I want to be a part of I always wanted to be a part of and I always feel apart from and I today I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I got that I got that early on. I don't know what I did to deserve the grace of the loving God that graced me with that gift of desperation. I wasn't a particularly shining example of a chronic out there like I'm going to pluck you out of Chronicville and bring you to Alcoholics Anonymous because you are so crafty.

No, that's not what happened. I don't know. I can't explain it.

I don't know. And I don't I don't care why. I don't care how.

But God graced me. I learned that grace is an unmarited gift. That it's a gift that my higher power gave me that I didn't necessarily deserve, but it's now my responsibility to cherish it, to protect it, to nurture it.

Are you giving me symbols? Okay, they're giving me symbols. So, I've been talking 38 minutes and 44 seconds because you took 10 minutes of my time, Kavika.

So, just chill. I'm keeping track. The meeting goes till 10:00.

Thanks. I love you. I became a gsr of my first home group.

My first home group didn't have a gsr and I called my sponsor at the time and I was all upset. We don't have a gsr. Our group's voice is not being represented in alcoholics anonymous.

I am so appalled. And she said, "Well, maybe you need to have an election then and have a an elected GSR." So, we called our DCM from our district. He came to our home group and he held our election.

I was the only one who stood. So I was elected gsr of my home group. I served gsr of my home group for two years and I fell in love with general service of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I fell in love with the service structure. I fell in love with the group conscience. Alcoholics Anonymous has but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he expresses himself in our group conscience.

In order for that loving authority voice to be heard, we have to hold group consciences. We have to hold informed group consciences. We have to let everybody talk.

We have to give the minority their turn. We do things with substantial unonymity here because it's important. There ain't no big shots and no little shots in AA.

We are all members. All of us here's vote is equally as important as everybody else's. All of us.

From GSR, I um lucked into uh the position of standing committee chair for the Miner Bird newsletter. I did that for two years. I stood in the area election for the first time.

I was elected recording secretary. I served for two years as recording secretary. I stood again in another election.

I was elected alternate chair. I was the alternate chairperson. I I sat on the steering committee for this convention for two years.

I I made myself available yet one more time. I had my plan. I had my plan.

I wanted to be area chair because I wanted to run the assembly. That was my plan. And God said, "Elizabeth, I need you somewhere else." and God elected me delegate for panel 59.

And um and I had a spiritual experience as a GSR and I had a spiritual experience as minor chair, recording secretary, alternate chair, and delegate. But I also have a a spiritual experience being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a spiritual experience working with the women that I sponsor and working with my sponsor.

I have spiritual experience raising the children that God gave me to raise the two twins that came to me when they were two years old. And God said, "You know what? You never got to raise any of your kids.

Here's two kids that mother cannot even raise them because of this disease. I have a spiritual experience when I wake them up in the morning and grumble with them to get ready to school to get ready for school because this is my path. I'm a college graduate.

I'm working on my second degree. I have an amazing job. I work in the legal department of one of the largest mortgage lenders um in the state and I work in the compliance department where they want me to make help them stay legal.

Okay. I got a pardon from the governor in 2010. I've been restored to my legal rights.

And you know, I I was in San Antonio, Texas with 60,000 members of Alcoholics Anonymous when I got that phone call and I was standing in front of the Hyatt right on the Riverwalk. I was doing a bunch of service. I was serving as delegate then.

And I was doing a regional room and all this stuff and and I sat there and I and someone said it was in the paper and I started crying and I was like like snot and everything, you know, and um and that's because of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was so happy to get that news. And it doesn't really mean nothing.

It's a piece of paper, but it means I could do some stuff for my license. I got licensed in my field. Um, I can pass background certain background checks now.

And um, you know, life is amazing. Amazing. Life is incredibly amazing.

I wanted to read something to you guys and then I'll turn it back over to our secretary. And my glasses are steamy. This is from working with others on page 102 of our big book.

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpful helpfulness to others. So never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sorted spot on earth on such an errand.

Keep on the firing life of life. Firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. Thank you for letting me share.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.