The 4 R’s That Saved My Life: AA Speaker – Leroy Y. – Toluca Lake, CA
AA speaker Leroy Y. from Toluca Lake shares his recovery story with multiple sobrieties, prison time, and the four R’s—Remember, Repetition, Redemption, Rejoice—that keep him sober.
Leroy Y. from Toluca Lake, CA came into AA after years on the streets, multiple arrests, and three prison sentences—but kept relapsing until he found a sponsor willing to take him through the Big Book step by step. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his first sobriety, his relapse, his return to prison, and the practical four R’s he now practices daily to stay sober.
Leroy Y., an AA speaker from Toluca Lake, shares his journey through multiple sobrieties and relapses, emphasizing how working the steps with a thorough sponsor transformed his understanding of powerlessness and unmanageability. He details his experience with Steps 1-9, the importance of making amends, and the spiritual shift from self-will to surrender. The four R’s—Remember, Repetition, Redemption, Rejoice—form the daily foundation of his sobriety today.
Episode Summary
Leroy Y. walks into the rooms of AA for the first time in 1979 in an LA County jail, lured by the promise of donuts and women that never materialized. But the seed is planted. Years later, after multiple arrests, three state penitentiary sentences, and a life defined by using anything he could get his hands on, he comes back to Alcoholics Anonymous determined to get sober.
What sets his early sobriety apart is his sponsor—a man with nothing in common with him except that he stayed sober and knew how to work the steps. This sponsor takes Leroy through the Big Book page by page, paragraph by paragraph, in weekend workshops for months. It’s tedious, but it works. Leroy begins to understand, step by step, what powerlessness actually means—not just the obvious (wrecked cars, jail time, violence at home), but the spiritual unmanageability that lives inside: the hole in his gut that nothing else can fill.
The First Step becomes the foundation. Leroy breaks it into four parts—physical powerlessness, mental powerlessness, physical unmanageability, spiritual unmanageability—and for the first time, he sees himself clearly. When he holds alcohol in his body, his body craves more. That’s not a choice; that’s a physical fact. And when he’s tried to quit on sheer willpower, he can’t pull it off. But there’s also something deeper: a fundamental emptiness inside, a spiritual malady that he’s been trying to fill with anything external—drugs, alcohol, chaos, theft. The book tells him there’s only one place to find what he’s missing: deep down within.
Steps 2 and 3 come next, and Leroy wrestles with God. His sponsor has him sit with a simple question: “God either is or he isn’t. What is your choice to be?” Leroy spends a week looking at both sides. He sees himself running the show—and sees the wreckage. He sees what it could look like if God is everything. He chooses surrender, and Step 3 becomes clear: he’s making a decision that might be the last decision he ever needs to make, because from that point on, his will becomes aligned with a power greater than himself.
The Fourth Step is where the real work happens. Leroy does a four-column inventory: resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and a “sound insane sexual ideal” that he didn’t even understand at the time. But years later, he realizes many of those ideals came true. The Ninth Step amends are vivid and real. He makes a list, marks the ones he’s willing to do, and starts. There’s J-Burg, the hamburger stand he and other kids used to steal from. Leroy tracks down the manager, gives his spiel about being in an anonymous program and needing to come clean or he might drink again. The manager listens. Days later, the owner calls him from a hamburger convention in Illinois to tell him how grateful he is. Leroy learns, firsthand, that his fears are not facts.
But Leroy also relapses. After seven years sober, he slowly separates himself from the rooms, listening to someone else’s share about the hole that alcohol filled. In his sixth year sober, he starts to drift. By his seventh year, he takes a drink. Then he gets married in AA, has a son, relapses with his wife. She dies in a car accident while he’s in prison. He does another 26 months. Gets out, stays out 90 days, goes back. Rinse, repeat. The cycle is brutal and real.
But then something shifts. On his last court date, the DA tells him the evidence is missing. He’s dropping the strike. Leroy gets 16 months instead of 32. He gets out, scared to death because for the first time, he has no plan. He lands at his sister’s house and two days later finds himself at the Salvation Army in Van Nuys. That’s where he finds the four R’s.
Remember: where he comes from. The last drink. The last hit. The last pill. Because sobriety can get really good, and he forgets where he came from and starts to drift. But his commitments to hospitals and institutions keep him grounded. Reality checks disguised as blessings.
Repetition: the things he did yesterday to stay sober, he does today. Even when life throws him something new, the experience of others in his home group teaches him. Not opinions—experience.
Redemption: Leroy is an ex-convict three times. He was taught he was dirty white trash. Today he’s dependable. He used to forge checks and go to prison for it. Now he gets paid to write checks for the company he works for. His deepest liabilities become assets, just like the Big Book promised.
Rejoice: there has to be joy in sobriety. Fishing on Saturday mornings. NASCAR at the racetrack where the sound is so loud he can’t hear himself think—and that’s exactly where he needs to be. His perception shifts, and people around him seem to mellow out, but they never changed. He did.
Notable Quotes
When I look at my experience with how I used and how I drank, there was a lot of relief because I came in a drug addict. What I found out as a result of the steps was that I was an alcoholic who used a lot of drugs.
God either is or he isn’t. What is your choice to be?
My fears are not facts. I know that because I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad, and I drank on days I got up and didn’t feel anything at all.
My deepest, darkest liabilities will become my assets.
There has to be fun in sobriety. I did not come to Alcoholics Anonymous to be miserable. You guys taught me how to live, and today I experience joy on a regular basis.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Sponsorship
Relapse & Coming Back
Big Book Study
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Sponsorship
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Big Book Study
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly. So, be sure to subscribe.
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Okay, I would like to now introduce our main speaker, LEROY. My name is Leroy Jurgen and I'm an alcoholic.
And uh the reason I identified my last name a lot of the times is because uh I'm one of them guys who drink alcohol and get locked up. And uh when I got sober, I had to uh clean up uh the wreckage of my past. So I got a print out from the parole office and I noticed that I had 11 monikers.
Um I remember using about three of them. I have no idea where the other eight came from. So, my sponsor advised me in my early sobriety, it might be good if I identified with my own name so I could remember who I really was.
Anyways, uh I want to thank all the newcomers uh u for being here. Um I know how hard it is to walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um uh I want to welcome the relapsers.
I'm a relapser. I have a couple of sobrieties. Um, I'll try to keep this orderly.
Uh, but I have a tendency to uh uh bounce around periodically. Um, and I want to thank um I Irene, not Irene, Lorraine for asking me to come out and share my experience and hope with you. Um, I'm going to share in a general way, you know, what it what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.
Um, I have a lot of experience in sobriety. Um, so my hopefully my sobriety will be longer than my my drinking and my using. Um, my story is real similar to our leader story.
Um, she mentioned some things in her in her in her pitch that that dated her. Um, and that's one thing I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is I was taught early on to look for the similarities and it doesn't matter who's at the podium. uh today uh the majority of the time unless I am in you know Leroyville population one where I hear nothing um I'm able to relate usually with what the speakers are are saying.
So um I come from a a family of of of alcoholics or drug addicts. I know my my stepfathers were alcoholic. My mother had five kids by five different men.
Um, and I would remember later on in life, I would ask her, "Why five different dads?" And I remember her telling me, "Bariety was a spice of life." Um, um, you know, we were on welfare from as far back as I can remember. Um, there were out of the five kids, um, I was Caucasian. Um, my brother, who's next in line, was part Hispanic.
My sister was, my three sisters were part black. Um, so early on I I got to experience a lot of bigotry and racism. Um, so I learned to fight real early for those girls because those girls had a hard time, you know.
Um, and you know what? I know today that my mother did exactly what she could do with what she had available. And I remember stealing reds and crosstop whites and and different pills, you know, in my in my early teens from her, you know.
I think they were 10 for a dollar back then, you know, and they sold jars and they always had tons of them. Um, and it didn't really become a problem um until later on, but I can remember in in and real early ODing on Reds in sixth grade. Um, and I remember him taking me to the uh principal's office, but I don't remember anything after that.
And my mom said she came to the school and picked me up, and I was sleeping on the floor. And because I had had a his history of migraine headaches, they'd marked it down as a migraine headache. Um, and you know, that would follow me uh through my whole life.
You know, I have I have been arrested numerous times. I mean, numerous times. And um none of the the the large offense have been for drugs or alcohol.
But yet everything I've ever been arrested for was related to drugs and alcohol. Um, it seems like no matter what I was doing, there was always some kind of mask over what I was doing, you know, some kind of justification. Um, um, I remember I remember going into junior high um, you know, and I remember having to fight on a regular basis, like I said, for those girls.
Um, you know, today, um, when we have a family reunion, it's kind of like the United Nations when you go. Um, but I love that, you know, and and and the and the downside to that is I spent a lot of years locked up in jails and institutions. And when I was in in an institution, I was uh required to pick my race and hang with my race and and you know, it was really, really, really, you know, it was really hurtful to me that I couldn't show family photos because I didn't want anybody to know what kind of family I had.
Um um and I wouldn't learn that till later on in life how important that was to me, you know. Um anyways, I didn't start using uh you know on a regular basis um until I was 19. I remember drinking a lot during my my teenage years.
Um you know, but it was only at parties and it would only be on the weekend. You know, I don't even remember smoking pot on a regular basis. Um, I was the kind of kid that just got up early in the morning and I left home because I was ashamed of our our home and I didn't come back till 9 10:00 at night.
Um, and the bottom line was is, you know, it had nothing to do basically with my home. I would find out later that I suffered from from from the way I felt about myself. Um, and that was uh explained to me as being a spiritual malady.
Um, and of course I would learn that here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, I started injecting drugs when I was 19. Um, you know, um, up up until that point I didn't think alcohol was a problem.
Um, I would start doing a lot of speed, then I would do truinols and I would do seconds and I would do you name it all and I would do it all. Um, it didn't matter. I never had a drug of choice.
Nobody ever came up to me and said, "Hey, I have this." And I said, "No, thank you. It is not my drug of choice." My drug of choice was whatever you had. Cuz I didn't like to share mine.
Um, you know, and I was also a liar, a cheat, and a thief. And you've heard it around the rooms, and I'm one of them. I would love to steal your drugs and then help you look for them.
Um, that was my big thing. I was never a robber where I went in and took anything, but if there was no eyes on it, I would conveniently pick it up. Um, like I said, I remember my my my first meeting of of Alcoholics Anonymous was in 1979 and I was at Biscaloo Center, LA County Jail.
Um, I don't know if Piscoloo Center is still a part of the LA County system, but um, I remember being up in the dorm and I think I'm doing all of 30 days on possession of a hype kit or something. And uh, somebody came into the dorm and he started putting on his Bonnaroo clothes. For those of you who don't know what Bonnaroo is, it's like your best Sunday go to church clothes.
And he was putting on his Bonnaroos and I said, "Where you going?" and I knew it wasn't a a a visiting day. He says, "I'm going to AA. There's going to be some ladies and some donuts." I would learn later on in Alcoholics Anonymous that this was a trick that that you know ran through the system for years and years cuz I just heard it last weekend again and it's exactly my experience.
Um when we went down to the meeting, I walked into the meeting and the first thing I noticed was there was no donuts. Um, you know, the second thing I noticed was there was no women. Um, um, I remember one one elderly gentleman, real thick glasses, um, sitting down.
He had a blue book in his hand. The guards would conveniently lock the mess hall behind us. So, we were now captive.
And he said, "We're going to have an AA meeting." And I don't remember anything I heard at that meeting that night. Um, and I wouldn't remember that meeting until I would try to get sober uh years later. I have um like I said, I have a couple of sobriety dates.
Um I've done uh three terms in the state penitentiary and I've been arrested numerous times and done numerous county jail stitches um as a result of uh drugs and alcohol. Um, when I when I would first come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I came in as a drug addict. Um, for some reason, I thought there was some kind of prestige that went along with being a junkie.
Why? I'll never know. Um, thank God for the age-old concept in this book, one drunk working with another, that I had picked a sponsor um, who was sitting down with me and going to take me through the the the steps.
And this guy um, had absolutely nothing in common with my life except that he drank alcohol and was sober. And I didn't even know that I had a problem with alcohol and I was trying to get sober. But his sober story interests me.
He was 6'5. I was 5'6. He was Africaname.
I was Caucasian. He was a graduate of UCLA and worked at UCLA and I was a graduate of Penn State I mean State Penn. Um I used a lot of drugs.
He only drank. I had been to jails and institutions numerous times. He had never been to jails or institutions.
Um, but the bottom line was is he knew how to stay sober and that appealed to me. Um, and he would sit down and he would take me through the steps and he would have me look at my experience with each individual drug and he would have me look at alcohol. Um, and I don't know if any of you guys are like me, but when I look at my experience and I saw how I used and I saw how I drank, um, there was a lot of relief for me because like I said, I came in a drug addict.
Um, and what I found out as a result of of the steps was that I was an alcoholic who used a lot of drugs. Um, you know, I can identify as an addict. Uh, but I was directed in my early sobriety that if I identify as an alcoholic and an addict, I had to put two bucks in a basket.
Um, that was before we put two bucks in anyway. So today's math that would be four. And so it's the little things that I would learn along the line here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
uh most of them uh you know funny uh but but but the majority of them true for me you know looking at your own experience to get your own answers is not only factf facing it's fact freeing um I would you know it was explained to me that I would I would I would go on a journey I would do these steps and maybe I would find out that I'm not an alcoholic and I didn't need you people I don't know about you, but that was appealing to me when I got here. Um, you know, um, I was after I'd asked him to be my sponsor, he he told me, I'm I require you to come to this workshop every Saturday uh afternoon and then every Sunday you're to meet me uh at my house. Um and we did that and we started at the title the the first page of the big book and we went through the whole big book um you know week by week by week and there was no set what we would cover.
Some days we would cover two pages, someday we would cover two paragraphs and it was a long and tedious experience when you have a a a lot of people in a workshop because the neat thing about that is is everybody's experience is everybody's experience. Um but the common thread was that uh the majority of the time the result from doing the action was very similar. So I started to see I started to have an experience um as a result of the steps and I started to understand a little bit about Alcoholics Anonymous.
Um now I had already spent um three and a half years in the penitentiary and numerous you know numerous county jail uh terms at that point. Um, that was my first sobriety. Um, and you know, we we did little things, you know, little things in my first sobriety.
And the reason I share on my first sobriety a lot of the time is because there's a lot of things I did in my first sobriety that is still true and is still valid for me today. Um, there are some things that I didn't continue to do in my first sobriety that were probably the cause of my relapse. And there's some things I do today that are a little bit different from my first sobriety, but a lot of the stuff that I did in my first sobriety um is still true and valid today.
And I'll cover some of that stuff as I as I try to walk you through my experience with the steps. Um you know, when I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would hear stuff like just don't drink or use no matter what. Um, you know, think think.
Um, you know, I didn't understand those sayings because nobody ever sat me down and told me and showed me how you just don't drink or use no matter what. You know, if I could drink or use no matter what, I would not be in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, and I would find out later on that there was a process outlined in this book um that would help me have an experience that would help me to learn how to just not drink or use no matter what.
Um, and and and I'm just so grateful today. Um, I've I've been uh really involved in Alcoholics Anonymous for for 10 years. My sobriety date is December 24th uh 1996.
that is my second sobriety date. Um I relapsed with seven years of sobriety the first time round. Um you know but after having these experiences and doing a four step um you know when we looked at the first step and I don't I don't hear this a lot anymore.
Um but but you know I like to mention it cuz I don't want to forget the process that I went through where I had my experience that that made me feel a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, in this workshop, we looked at the first step and and we were on the first step for a long time. So, there's no doubt in my mind that I know today that the first step is probably the most important step in my sobriety.
Um, and then I would learn later on that there were some other programs that had the other 11 steps pretty much incorporated in what they did. They just didn't have the first step and they worked a little bit. They just didn't quite work as well as Alcoholics Anonymous.
Um, one of those was the Oxford group. Um, and we would look at the fourth step, uh, I mean the first step in four parts, you know, you know, I'm powerless over alcohol. We would look at that physically and mentally.
Um, you know, physically once I put a drink into my body, what happens? Um, if you're anything like me, your body breaks out into a craving for another drink. Um, it was explained to me like strawberries.
If you're allergic to strawberries and you eat strawberries, you'll break out in a rash. You know, the thing that happens to me is I put alcohol into my body, I get a craving for more alcohol and then I break out in handcuffs and go to jails and prisons. Um, my story, I don't get to play in rehab.
I don't get to do any of those things. And I've learned today and I know today that it's an absolute fact as of this minute that if I walk out of here, I commit a crime and get caught that the state of California has not forgotten who I am. And it doesn't matter how long away that I am of my last drink because they know um you know so the second half was I mean the second half of that is is um when I decide for good and all to quit can I pull that off?
Um I quit on many occasions. I quit drinking on many many many many occasions. Um, you know, I remember one Christmas, and this is just a little bit of of the uh, you know, the unmanageability that was going on.
I remember decorating a Christmas tree, drinking eggnog and brandy, chasing the old lady around the house with that Christmas tree. next conscious thought. I mean, the next thing I remember sitting down and redecorating the Christmas tree that only happens to alcoholics, I believe.
Um, I have not heard that story anywhere else, but I've heard similar stories here. Um, you know, so I know when I decide for good and all to quit, whether it be drugs or alcohol, I can't pull that off. And the reason I love the big book is because it never tells me you are.
You are. You are. You know, the judge told me I was.
The ex old lady and the old lady told me I was. My mom even told me even though she used more than me that I was. Um, everybody knew I was an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Um, but I always thought that I was never hurting anybody. Um, you know, so you know, the big book says at that point, if you can't control the amount once you take a drink and you can't just decide for good and all to quit and pull that off, you're probably alcoholic. Um, when I hear the word probably, that means maybe.
Um, um, and it was sufficient enough uh, information for me to go on. And then we would look at the unmanageability. the second the second half the first half of the second half of the first step four parts and if I confuse you grab me afterwards and I'll try to put it clear clearer than I am right now um the second half of the first step broken into two parts the unmanageability well I was real clear on the physical unmanageability in my life you know the wrecked cars the you know the the fights and at home, the tearing up of furniture, you know what I mean?
The the creditors, uh, the warrants, that was the physical unmanageability, the stuff that I seen out here. Um, and when I first came into these rooms, I heard that, you know, I was powerless over alcohol. That's why my life is unmanageable.
But that's not the case. Um the unmanageability are the results a lot of the time of my alcoholism, but I also had um un unmanageability in my life that I wasn't aware of. And like I said, this guy that was my sponsor at the time was smart enough to know when he sat me down to to tell me exactly what that was.
I had the physical out here and then I had a spiritual unmanageability in here. Um, and I remember at I don't know three or four years sober. I was living over the hill.
Clancy was sharing. He had around 29 years. I don't know if this is what he was saying from the podium, but I know this is what I heard.
He had said, "I never found anything to fill the hole in my gut in sobriety that alcohol did." And I related to that so much that I thought, "Well, if I don't find something here to fill that hole, I'm going to drink again." Um, and and I would drink again, you know. So, I don't know if that was a setup. I know that my relapse the first time round started in my sixth year.
I wouldn't actually take a drink till my seventh year. But I slowly started to separate myself from you guys. Um you know the spiritual unmanageability is something that I have to deal within.
I think I think it says in a book and I'm paraphrasing it says that deep down in every man, woman and child is a basic fundamental of God. Um, and and it goes on to say, "There is the only place it can be found deep down within." Um, and I relate to what that is talking about because I always looked for God out here, you know, chains on the wall, you know, in books, you know, I had no idea that spirituality would start in within. And I think Chuck C talks about that in the fourth step where he says that we're going to uncover, we're going to discover, and we're going to discard.
And that's going to come from inside also. So, you know, now I'm kind of understanding, you know, what's going on. When people would say it's an inside job, you know, you know, just those words alone, I would hear them.
I would think it's an inside job. I was like, who got ripped off? You know, that's the first thing I would learn.
You know, that um the way people would use words that I would misconstrue them. It wouldn't be until I was around here a little while um that I would kind of understand what was going on. Um by this point I'm having an experience too, you know.
Uh one thing I learned about a thorough first step and and what I found also uh as an experience of doing the steps is that if I did a step thoroughly, I had no problems with the next step coming up. The book says lack of power is our dilemma. We have to find a power by which we can live and that power has to be greater than ourselves.
Um um I had a a a small problem with God in the second step. Um only because my sponsor took me up right into that sentence in we agnostics that says God either is or he isn't. What is your choice to be?
And they're in italics too. And I was also told that if there's italic words in there that they're important. Um um and then he said, "Go home and think about it for a week." Oh man, I'm an alcoholic and I'm not good at thinking about anything for a week.
Um um I'm not good at thinking about it for 15 minutes, as a as a matter of fact. But I would go home and I would look at both sides, you know, you know, and he would say that I could choose God as nothing and still move forward with these steps. And that's the neat thing about the process and the way it's laid out because um you know um I get to have an experience no matter what my answers are as long as I continue to move forward and do the work that's uh it's required for me to stay sober.
It's suggested for some people. Um but in that week's time I would look back and I would say well if God's no nobody if God's nothing then I'm running the show. And then I would look at my experience running the show.
Um, and I would see a couple of times where I, man, I ran that show pretty well. But then I would see numerous numerous times where I was just a train wreck waiting to happen. Um, and I wasn't very good at the choices.
And then I would look at if God's everything, that means I don't get to run the show, you know. And so it's ego and faith. Ego and faith.
and I'm going to fight with that for a week. Um, I finally decided that God was going to be everything, you know, and I explained uh my my uh my answer to my sponsor. Um, and we moved on to step three.
Now, step three is a decision. And it was explained to me that step three, if I was to uh stay in the process, might be the last decision I would ever have to make. And I didn't understand what he was talking about at that time.
Um, but if I was going to turn my life and my will, which are my thoughts and my actions, over to a power that's greater than me, then the will of that power is going to become my will, then my decision making is coming from a higher plane. It's not coming from me. Um, now I' I've fought with that and I've made decisions in sobriety based on self.
And of course, I've suffered from the consequences. And not only have I suffered, people around me have suffered. Um, you know, but making a decision, um, and and then being sent into the fourth step, um, I want to say it's exciting.
I did no writing up to this point. Um, if the book told us to write, we wrote. And it's, and I'm not saying that this is the only way you can do it, because it's not.
Um, people get sober a lot of different ways other than Alcoholics Anonymous. So, we don't even have a monopoly on sobriety. Um, but I'm only, please understand, I'm only sharing my experience with the steps with you.
Um, and my experience is my experience. That's all it is. Um, when I would be in a fourth step and I would we would do a four column inventory.
Um, you know, and I'll kind of zip through this cuz I want to get to the second sobriety. Um when we were going through the four step um and I completed the four step of course I did a four column resentment inventory then I did a uh fear inventory then I did a sex inventory and then I was directed to write a sound insane sexual ideal. Um if you're anything like me there was never nothing sound insane in the life that you had come from.
So I didn't understand what sound andsane was. And I still have that ideal and and you know a lot of the things in that ideal have come through for me you know 10 years later with a relapse in between. You know what I mean?
Um the neat thing about it is is that um I would make amends on a lot of those uh resentments in that fourth fourth step, you know. And um and the neat thing about it was is that all of the resentments that I made amends on when I would come back to the rooms. Now I relapsed in my seventh year in the middle of my ninth step working 10 and 11 and 12 on a daily basis.
Um it was also suggested or directed to me that if I was to do regular 10 steps, there would be no new no new need to write another four step. Um makes sense to me. you know, if you don't allow wreckage to pile up, then there, you know, you won't one day have to clean the closet.
Um, I wish I could do that perfectly. Um, I haven't been able to do that. Um, and then I would make amends on a lot of criminal stuff.
I would make amends and I and I'll just give you a couple examples. Um, I remember being in a nightstep and I this there was this little hamburger stand on the corner of Santa Monica and Virgil that we would pass by every day. Was called Jburg Bers.
I don't know if it's still there. It was probably the best hamburger in Los Angeles. It never got big.
Tommy's went down the hill after they started moving around, but they had the best hamburgers in town. But they also had a twoft gap in the fence and us kids could slide up under it and rip them off for chips and whatever they had, sodas and whatever. And we did that probably for 5 years as kids.
Um and that and that and Jay-B came up on my inventory and I would go back there and I I would make amends. Um and um I also want to say that of all the amends that I made, only one amends was not um accepted. Um and of course I would continue to try to make that amends accepted and I would cause more harm.
Um you know, so but then years later it would be taken care of. That's the neat thing about this thing. Um but I went in there and the guy who was the owner wasn't present.
It was just a manager. and I took him out the back and I was directed when I make an amends to to to basically tell him um I'm in an anonymous program. Um I need to come clean with you or I might drink again and for me to drink is to die.
Um and then I was to tell him the harm that I thought I caused. And then I was to pause and I was to ask him, "Is there anything that I'm not clear on that you need to let me know that I haven't seen that I harmed you?" You know, and then I was directed to make the best deal possible. Um, well, at this point, I did this with the manager.
Um, you know, it's a very short process, a couple of minutes. Um, I gave the guy my name and a number cuz the owner wasn't there. And, um, I left.
Um, and I left feeling a whole lot better than I did when I walked in there. Um, and the reason that is is I was told that as as I continue to do uh my amends that I would get a little bit more power. Remember I talked about lack of power is our dilemma.
Well, as I do these steps, I start to get a little bit more power for the next one, a little bit more power for the next one. And and as I you know when I made my list for my amends, I was told to put them on 3×5 cards, put a plus sign on the ones I was willing to make and a negative sign on the ones I wasn't willing to make and start with the plus signs. Um and I got through the easy stuff really quick and you know I was amazed at that point.
And then when I made this criminal amends um and I walked away, it was my first criminal amends and I got to see firsthand that my fears, you know, were not facts. You know, um fears are not facts. And the reason that I know that is is cuz I drank when I was happy.
I drank when I was sad. And I drank on them days I got up and I didn't feel at all. So, I have to learn to be sober when I'm happy, sober when I'm sad, and sober on those kind of a days that I just don't feel anything at all.
Um, so I know the effects weren't feelings, and I got to experience um the the process of the ninth step, you know, firsthand. I would get a I would get a call a week later from the owner. Um, it was called J Bers and his name was Jay.
Who would have known? Um, and he was at a hamburger convention in, you know, Illinois. I didn't even know they had hamburger conventions.
And he continued to let me know how wonderful he thought this thing was and and just to continue to go forth and that the only way that I needed to pay him back was to continue doing what I was doing. Um, and those are the kind of experiences I've had. I've had that numerous times.
Um, now like I said, I would relapse and I would, and here's the sad thing about relapse is you never know how long you're going to get to use if without first getting locked up or dying. You know, those are real around here. And I've experienced a lot of deaths in my family um as a result of this this disease.
But I would relapse. I would get married in Alcoholics Anonymous. I would uh have a son in Alcoholics Anonymous who hasn't seen me loaded.
Um um but we would relapse together. I would get arrested, go back to prison. She would get in a car accident and pass away while I was locked up at 29.
Um so, you know, it it was drug and alcohol related. Uh uh we know that for a fact. Um, and I was in prison at the time and I got the call and and and I'll never ever forget the, you know, being summoned to the lieutenant office cuz usually if you're going to the lieutenant's office, you something happened bad at home or you got implicated in something, you know, and I knew it was bad news for me either way cuz they just don't call you to have coffee.
And I remember him explaining to me the situation, what had happened. And uh and then right after he said, "Are you going to act right or do we need to lock you up?" You know, I mean, without skipping a beat. And I said, "All I need is to get a phone call to my family." And he said, uh, he said, "Fine, we'll we'll arrange that." It was 3:00 in the afternoon.
Um, I would get back to the dorm and they told me I could use the phone after the 9:30 count that evening. Um, so I got to think about this that just went on from 3 to 9:30 and I'm out on a yard and they got three buildings with with inmates in each building. Three dorms, big huge dorms and the yards in the middle.
And I'm out on a yard and I'm walking with a guy. I don't even know who this guy is to this day. But I'm walking around with him and I'm cussing God and I'm cussing a cussing everybody that I can cuss.
And I remember the guy stopping right in front of me to make me stop from walking. And he looked me in the eye and he said, "Leroy, God has a plan for your life. And whatever it is, you haven't accomplished it yet." You know, and right at that moment, I sense some kind of ease, some kind of comfort because up until that point, I was running on self-will and ego.
you know, the stag that I'm a part of, we have a saying, your ego is not your amigo. Um, and we understand what that means today, you know. Um, and like I said, um, I would do another 28 month 26 months.
Um, I would be away from AA for 4 years. I only got to use about 6 months in them four years. I would be locked up the other three and a half, you know.
Um, which kind of sucks. Um, I would get it I would get those those three and 1/2 years for you know what, $200, you know. So I, you know, it's like 50 cents a day.
You know, I got a day for every 50 cents I stole, you know. Um, today when I do the math, you know, I I understand it. You know, in police work, that would be called a clue, you know.
Um Um, okay. I don't even remember where I was. Okay.
I got out of the I got out of prison that second time with every intention to stay sober, but I was going to do it my way. Um, I was armed with facts about myself. I had learned those in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And within 90 days, I was back in prison on another two strike case. The funny thing is, I was the first person sentenced under the three strikes law in LA County. Um um the the law went into the effect in effect like on March 10th and I took the deal on March 13th, you know.
So it was a two- strike case, but it was the first and let me tell you, I did every day of 80%. Um you know, and you know, I cried and I snibbled about that whole process and then eventually found a AA locked up. And it's funny because my brother was in the same prison, but he was on a different yard.
And yard one and yard two are connected by the visiting room. And uh we would go to the AA meeting and have a family visit. Um while we were locked up, you know, and we would get to hang out.
Um and I and like I said, I would get out um I would I would stay out 90 days and then I would get arrested again. And I would be looking and listen, my first offense was very uh very violent. It was a violent offense.
Um, it wasn't anything other than me being under the influence and being in fear for my life. That's all it was. It was not because I'm a badass or anything else.
Um, the second and third and all the crimes to follow would all be what we call petty. But because of that original one, I would always get treated to the max with the rest of them, you know. So when I when I went back I was in for about I don't know 8 months and they were trying to give me another 26 months you know you know uh 32 months with 80% it comes out to like 26 and uh and the DA came in on my last court date and said uh the evidence is missing the burglary tool is missing.
Um they're willing to drop the strike and just give you a straight 16 months. You'll go home in a month. Um, and I took that I took that as, you know, as a as a blessing.
And, um, I didn't have any plans this time when I got out of prison. And I was scared to death because I function well when I'm locked up. If somebody tells me what time to get up, what time to go to sleep, what time to go play, what time to go to school, I work well under those situations when I can't run and get away from it.
you know, I don't use drugs or drink alcohol when I'm locked up, you know. Um, the the amazing thing about that is Alcoholics Anonymous would teach me how to do that. Um, so like I said, and I'm almost out of time.
I don't know where the time goes. Um, but I would get sober again. I would land in uh in Van Eis at my sister's house and two days later I would I found myself in the Salvation Army at Van Eis here and I've been sober um ever since I walked in uh actually about 5 months of prison time and the day I walked into the Salvation Army.
And it was funny. This is this is a story that still kind of kind of, you know, I get a little giggle out of is I know you guys were watching me when I got back here and uh my sponsor at the time told me if I could match my prison time clean with my outside time clean that I mean sober that I could count it. So, I know you guys saw me take a 30 ch 30-day chip, a 60-day chip, a 90-day chip, and then I took a year.
Um, and the reason why I know you guys are watching me is cuz a number of you came up to me and let me know that either I couldn't count or there had to be a good explanation. Um, and that's why I love these rooms. I'll close with this.
Um, this is something I learned when I was in the Salvation Army. Um, and I repeat it only because if I don't repeat things and keep them fresh, I forget them. Um, um, they're they're my four Rs.
They're the things I do on a daily basis that helps me to stay sober. Um, the first R is remember. I need to remember where I come from.
Um, I forgot my last drink one time and I took my next one. Um the day that I took that drink, it was no different than any other day. Um you know um you know I need to remember my last hit and I do.
I I need to remember my last pill you know and I do. Um you know I need to remember where I come from. You know sometimes sobriety gets really really really good and I kind of forget where I come from.
Um and I kind of start to forget about you people. Um, but I'm so active now in hospitals and institutions uh and other uh service areas of Alcoholics Anonymous that when I run, they seem to always pop up and smack me right back in the, you know, in shape, you know, so that I can get through the next day that I know that's coming. Um, and I love that too about the program.
The second R is repetition. The things I did yesterday to stay sober, I do them today. Sometimes I'm faced with new things, different things, things that I've never been through.
I had mentioned that stag that I go to where we say the ego is not your amigo. We even have bumper stickers. Thank you very much.
Um and uh those guys have taught are taught to share their experience with me. If I call them with a problem, they don't give me their opinion. If they don't have the experience with what I'm calling them about, they direct me to somebody or have somebody call me who has been through what I'm what I'm going through.
And I love them for that. Now, don't get me wrong, if you're there like I am before the meeting and you stay after the meeting, you get to hear about their opinions. But when it comes to sobriety, we share our experience.
Um, repetition. The the third R is redemption. Um I'm an ex-convict three times.
Um you know, I was brought up being told that I was dirty white trash. You know, you you know, you come from an interracial family when it wasn't chick to come from one. You know, all of those things, you know, have had my self-esteem suffer.
I was taught that if I learned to crush my ego that I would have some self-esteem. When I came into the rooms, I thought my name was the defendant, you know, because I didn't know anything else, you know. Um, but today I'm dependable.
I've been to prison for forgery, you know, that's writing bad checks. Today I get paid for the accounts payable for the company I work for. So, I get paid to write checks.
So, what that tells me is the book is true once again where it says, "My deepest, darkest liabilities will become my assets. It's in the book. Um, and the last R and the most important for all you new people that that stood up and uh, you know, and and for those of you who are new that didn't stand up, um, um, please hear this if you haven't heard anything else.
The last R is rejoice. And rejoice simply means joy. Um, so has to be fun.
There has to be fun in sobriety. I did not come to Alcoholics Anonymous to be miserable. Um, I walked into these rooms very miserable.
You guys taught me how to live and today I experience joy on a regular basis. Um, and I'm talking about joy that bring in my heart from things that I do away from Alcoholics Anonymous, which are a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. I started fishing in early sobriety.
And when I would get on that boat and go out in the middle of the ocean for 8 hours on Saturday morning and then I would drive back, I would get off that boat and everybody seemed to mellow out a little bit. You know, the bottom line is they never changed. It was my perception.
Later on, and a lot of you know me, I'm a big NASCAR guy now. Um, I go out to the racetrack, I'd sit in the stands, and there'd be 30 cars going in a circle. and the the sound was so loud I couldn't hear myself think.
That's a good place for me to be. Um, and I would see the people I'm with lips moving and I wouldn't even have to answer. Can't get in trouble that way.
So, you guys have given me a life that I'm just truly grateful. Once again, Lorraine, thank you for allowing me to come out and share my experience with you. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, just stay.
Don't keep coming back. Thanks. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
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