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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Yeah. Okay.

Hi, I'm Robbie. I'm recovered alcoholic. >> Oh, hi guys.

I was so glad to get the spot right after lunch cuz I don't know. That means that you're not antsy for lunch and uh if you fall asleep, it might not be my fault. You might be full.

We'll see. So, I was told that I don't need to be near that. You can hear me on this.

Can you hear me? >> That is so cool. You can hear me.

>> How about now? >> That means I have to stand here. >> Okay.

So, it's an honor to to to be here today. I I have to tell you that, you know, first and before I get into anything else, I I really try, you know, like Anthony was talking about and thank you to Anthony and to Claire, wherever you guys are. Um, it was so good to to be here and and get to hear your inspiration and and hope.

And thank you to the committee who invited me here today. Thank you to you all of you, Danny and and uh Chris. It takes a lot of work to put these things on.

like they don't just put themselves on. You don't just like say everybody come out and and then you know it just magically happens. It it takes a lot of service work and and uh so it's a pretty cool thing to be involved in and to be a little bit of a a part of something like this is definitely an honor and I don't say that lightly.

You know, it truly is an honor um to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous and and Anthony touched on that too. You know, there's no way I can pay you all back for the things that you've done for me and the ways that you have showed up for me over these years. God saw us fit to remove me from alcohol on uh January 7th, 1997.

And for that, I'm forever grateful. And I'm grateful for a loving God that uh brought his grace and mercy upon me and and removed me from alcohol on that date. Uh and then I'm grateful for you guys.

um who brought me to that God and and showed me how to find that and showed me a a spiritual experience and and how to get to that. Um I clearly would have no idea and you know I have no nothing to do with anything. I I got nothing to do with why I'm here.

I certainly didn't come to on January 7th, 1997. I didn't come to and think, well, I'll go to that Alcoholics Anonymous thing or they seem to be having fun in them basement. And um I'd never really heard about Call Anonymous, but one time I stumbled in a church basement drunk.

I I pro I don't even remember how it happened. I probably called a a hotline or something. I I don't even know.

And um I went to this church basement and there was about five guys sitting around uh discussing whether or not bumper stickers uh broke a tradition. And I am out of my mind. I'm going to kill myself at any given moment.

And I don't understand how talking about traditions and bumper stickers is going to save my life. I got to go. And so, so that was the only picture I ever had about Hawk synonymous.

And uh thank God, you know, thank God that uh that the path and the journey brought me back here and and brought me to to you guys again who showed me that we're we're having a fun time doing this. We are having a good time. We are not hiding out in church basins.

We are showing up and we're having picnics and barbecues and and umh events like this and and showing up and unity and and you know running around like Anthony was talking about and I got sober in cars too. I uh seemed fitting since I lived in them prior. um seemed about right.

Just keep on traveling around in the cars. And I I would go somewhere and they'd say, "Get in the car." I said, "Where are we going? It's none of your business." All right.

And uh I remember one time we showed up at a detox meeting in uh in in in Philly and they said, "You're going to go in there and talk to them about how you got well." I said, "I'm so not well. I'm a mess. I feel so part of them.

I I don't know the driver. I don't feel like I'm connected to you much, but them. My god, that guy in the wheelchair in the back throwing water.

I like him. I get down with him. I can't talk about anything.

And they said, "Just uh just try." So, I'm already stripping down. Thank you. So, I would have nothing to do with how I would arrive here.

It's how I know that I have nothing to do with it today. I uh going to talk a little bit about sponsorship this afternoon. Hopefully, I'll remember to touch on that.

That's my topic, right? >> I I get sidetracked sometimes. Um, and I'm sure I'm only here to talk on sponsorship to I know a lot about really really bad ideas on sponsorship.

I uh I went through 13 sponsors in my first year. I'm not even kidding. I didn't count them.

Somebody else did. And they're like, "You got to do something like change you before you change your sponsor." And I didn't know anything about that. I I wanted to be in a relationship because uh when I came in, you guys told me don't change anything, right?

So, and I should still be in a relationship, but I usually have somebody that has my back. I usually am hooked up with somebody that can carry me through. And bless you.

And um so if I wanted to be in a relationship, I I found a sponsor that was uh totally cool with being relationships, newly sober. And uh I if I wanted to not do any work, I could find sponsors that would bless you. Um sponsors that would uh tell me it's okay, just hang out in the fellowship, right?

So we're talking about having a good time in AA and and we certainly are. And I I found myself one day um similar to what Claire was speaking about and Anthony touched on as well. you know, I I'm in these double digits, as they call it.

You know, I'm don't know what it was, maybe 10, 11, 12 years sober or something like that. And and um and I feel like I'm dying from untreated alcoholism and and I feel like I'm just trying to tread water and and like I have all these balls in the air and I'm trying to juggle and I'm dropping them and I I just can't can't keep up and I can't quite put my finger on what's missing. But I'm having a good time in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm the area director and chair and of of Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey District and and I'm doing, you know, I'm a special committee chair.

So, I'm putting on picnics and barbecues. I'm sponsoring a ton of girls. sponsoring a ton of girls and and I'm taking girls to meetings all day long and and um I'm hanging out in the fellowship and and and and the thing is I don't have that excuse that I just never heard about the solution.

I knew about it, you know. I knew better. I did I I I don't I don't have that story that nobody was talking about it.

Everybody was talking about it. The truth will haunt an alcoholic, right? Truth is haunting me.

I know the truth about it. I had suffered from untreated alcoholism when I first came in for quite some time. I sat in these chairs and and and I held on and and and I tried to make it till midnight and and and that was only cuz there was a midnight meeting and that was my favorite place.

They were nuts, right? And I fit in the midnight meeting and and you know, I had this amazing family, this amazing family, these uh these parents that love me. I had a mother that loved me to to to no end, unconditionally.

Her only fault she ever had was that she loved me no matter what. And and the only thing was that we just didn't know what I was suffering from. I wouldn't know what I was suffering from until I finally came in here and and and shut up long enough to sit down and do this work and and someone explain what what I was suffering from.

I didn't know when I first came in alcoholic. Somebody told me that if your mom and dad are both non-alcoholic, then it doesn't run in your jeans, so you're not, but you can have coffee if you want. And I thought, all right, I need coffee and a place to sleep.

And um I'll hang out here. So, I figured I was probably schizophrenic and I have multiple personalities. I don't know if anybody can relate to that, but I think that I'm actually nuts.

And if you guys find out that I'm not real alcoholic, I'm actually just completely nuts. and and and I probably have schizophrenia that you guys won't let me have the free coffee anymore and let me sleep in your couch and and um give me this unconditional love that Anthony was speaking of. Um who found out that I wasn't a real alcoholic and and because I I thought maybe it didn't run in my family.

So what happened was uh you know my mom she just didn't know what I suffered from and I wouldn't know what I suffered from. My mom tried everything. I I don't know if you guys can relate but you know how we just try different things, right?

My mom, she, God bless her, she put a big bow on a pony one time and brought me this pony and said, "Maybe that'll get you off the the the stuff, you know, and I think I don't think a horse is going to do the trick, huh?" Like, I'm out of my mind. And and I don't know anything about the spiritual malady. I just know that I don't feel okay.

And and I don't know if you get that, but I just don't feel okay. That restless, irritable, discontent, as the book talks about, I I it's just for me all I knew I I don't know about spirituality. I just knew that I so didn't feel okay ever.

I just felt icky and and and I had so much um um self-loathing and and that's my my daughter and friend that's late. >> Hi guys. For the recording, my daughter has showed up late.

Um, no. I love you guys. It's really an honor when when my kids come.

Uh, thanks for bringing her. So, I don't know what I suffer from. And and I just know I got this case of I got to go.

I just I can't fit in. I got to go all the time. I just I can't be here.

I can't stand this. I can't be alone. And I can't be with you.

And and and when I when I put anything into my body and I would start with attention, I would start with sex. I I I would I would move to to anything else that worked and I found alcohol and that and that that comfort went away. I didn't really I don't know if I felt okay because anything changes stuff.

I didn't really give a a rat's ass if you guys care liked me or not. Just didn't matter. The fact I wasn't pretty enough or or thin enough or or smart enough um you know for for seventh grade didn't matter to me.

I you know and and that's that that self that ego is everything's tell me it's all about me and and and that was taken away and and I would learn to chase that for a long time. The deal is that today this here this this here what we're doing now called that takes that away that gives me that sense of comfort. Everything I've ever searched for is right here.

I came in here broken and lost, suffering from this this hole that was the size of Texas. This this just trying to find something to put in it. That spiritual malady.

Just trying to find anything I can to put in that hole and make myself be able to come out and play and hook up today. The book talks about that that we'll seek the most sort of places on earth to find approval and companionship. And I'll do that today suffering from untreated alcoholism.

And I would do that out there. I would find myself living in the streets of Camden and and and and Newark and New York City, you know, 13, 14, 15 years old, just in and out of treatment centers, living on streets with this great family to go home to. And really, I just want to find some approval from them out there, anywhere I can get.

But the problem is I wake up with those four horsemen again and again. I would come too with this bewilderment. How did I get here again?

How did this happen? This frustration, I just can't stop. And and and the the book talks about if you're honest for yourself for even a moment, you can tell yourself the truth.

And that is that you have no idea why you do it any more than your family knows. My my family would look at me and say, "She's such a sweet girl. Why does she do it?

Why didn't she just come home?" I would have um and and I'll just go into this briefly, but I was about 15 years old. I go to the hospital and give birth to a little baby girl, and she was amazing. and she was beautiful and and I had no idea like how it would change something fundamentally inside of me and I would vow I would spend from that moment on I was 15 years old and already through in and out of treatment centers my mom would I could hear my mom I'd overhear her just saying there's no use there's nothing left we can do she's just going to die that way let her go to my dad and then and then I g gave birth as a little girl and I thought now I have purpose and I have life and and I have unconditional love and I and I will chase this.

I will chase his love. I have approval and companionship here and I'll do anything to take care of this little girl and I would find myself taking her to the most sorted places on earth. And that's where alcoholism brings me, right?

And I come in here and I find out that anything I've ever been looking for, you guys have. And it's that it's that comfort that I'm just okay here. It's that it's that you know that post that postspiritual experience that postspiritual awakening that post set aside prayer.

Where is Claire? Are you still here? She's outside.

Um so it's interesting someone came to me. So we'll skip back ahead. So I I I go through the steps and and and I find a sponsor that tells me the truth.

So, we talked a lot today about telling the truth and and and I've seen a common uh denominator in that in that message that's coming across and and and telling the truth about alcoholism and telling the truth about the solution and you know, we're like I said, we're having a good time doing this thing. It's a it's a hell of a journey. It's it's a good time.

We're having fun, but we're serious when it comes to getting through this work and and and doing what's required. It's required work. You know, it's not a fellowship just to hang out in and maybe do this work or not.

It's a fellowship to support the people that have done the steps that want to come together and support that support one another in this work that we're doing. It's required in order to have a spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening. And and what happens is, you know, I found somebody that finally told me the truth.

And God bless her and and and God love all you women out there that are are telling the truth and showing up and answering your phones and sponsoring new girls and and and and taking them through the work and listening to fists and and and you men that are doing it too. So we need good women. We need, you know, strong sponsors raise strong sponsors and and and and we need the women showing up like you guys are doing.

And it's beautiful to see you guys doing it. and and and and telling the truth, you know, and not being so concerned with how we feel. So, I had this woman come up to me in uh Northeast Philadelphia at a woman's meeting and I was a couple years sober and out of my mind.

And I uh I gotten uh pregnant in detox, I think, and and that wasn't going so well. And and he had left and it was a big shocker, right? I had went to my mom and I said, "I'm pregnant with twins and uh" and their father left.

She said, "Not the nice man you met in detox." How would that happen? He seemed so nice when you were throwing up and and he was holding your hair back. A nice guy.

So I uh so I'm going to meetings and and I'm crying about that I'm pregnant again and I'm scared and I am. You know what I mean? I mean, I show up here, I'm a scared and frightened little girl.

I showed up here angry and miserable and telling you guys off and and stealing your coffee and throwing chairs when you talked about God, you know, and and you guys would do the chanting and the circling up and the thing with the God and and and it looked very cultlike to me. and and I wasn't going to be swept into all that, you know, and and uh I remember telling a guy, "You're going to take my my car, my firstborn child, my checkbook, and make me move to that compound in Montana. I know AA's got one cuz you get through the chanting and uh the praying." And he said, "Raf, you ain't got none of that stuff.

You don't have a checkbook." He's talking about checkbook. It's like, "You don't have a car. You don't even have cuss first born." I we we don't have anything uh that we want to take from you.

They said, in fact, you you pretty got you pretty much got nothing that we want. You're you're pretty much a miserable mess to be around and your energy sucks. Um we we put up with you anyway in the hopes that someday you'll do this work and and uh so I just had a resentment there.

But so so what happens is is so this woman she she comes up to me in this meeting and she says she said shut up and and and and something inside of me I felt that energy of this is serious is I know I'm going to die. I've taken away you this is this thing has taken away the only solution I've ever had to this thing called living. I don't do it well.

I don't like myself very much. That's why I don't like you. And and and I feel so much more hopeless than I did when I walked through these doors because now I stop drinking and I still can't stop the insanity, the the chaos, that that deep pit inside of me that just feels like a dark cloud of loneliness and despair.

I can't stop that and I don't drink. How do you explain that? And she said, "We explain that as alcoholism.

It's untreated and it's okay. We have a solution to that." And she said, "If you would just shut up, we don't we don't give a crap about about your pregnancy, your ex, your your your your kids that got taken away. We can't help you get them back." She said, "I can't help you get your kids back." She said, 'But if you shut up and do this work and and and you sit down with me, I can show you a way to freedom from all that crap.

She said, 'I could show you a way to freedom. She said, I could show you a way to to peace. She said, if you do this work that's required, you could have a spiritual awakening, and as a result, you could go and show other girls and and and and and you could get well, and you could live in a place of freedom.

She said, "You could lay your head on the pillow at night with a sense of ease and comfort." She said, "You could lay your head on the pillow at night and you could just fall asleep just like that without shame and remorse and guilt and all that going through your head. You could stop contemplating suicide or killing other people. You could stop or you'd just be at peace." I don't know anything about that, but I would have done anything for it, right?

I would have done anything just to feel a moment of peace, just to feel okay, just for the icky to go away and and that despair and that hopelessness. And that's why we say that we've recovered. I recovered from that kind of hopeless state of mind and body.

I don't have that today. That's what I've recovered from today is that hopeless state of mind and body that that I look at that woman like a scared and frightened little girl that I was and I said, "Just show me. I'll do anything for it.

And she said, "Okay, there's some work to be done and it's not going to be easy." She said, "But God doesn't make too hard a terms, right? Just sit down, do this work. I'll guide you through it.

I'll hold your hand through it. We do this together, and you don't have to do it alone, and I've already been through it, right?" And that's how we know. And when we're looking, and if you're new, and and you don't even know how to pick a sponsor, that's how we know.

First of all, like uh Claire I think had spoken about earlier that there's an energy that comes off of somebody that that's that's walking in the sunlight of the spirit. There's a light that shines in them. There's a peace to them.

There's some serenity. There's a place where there's a space where there's no chaos and drama and and they're not gossiping about other people and you just like to be in their space. Just share your space with me.

I like being in your space. There's a lot of us that that have that. There's a lot of people in this room tonight that that that I just want to share space with you because your energy feels good to me.

And I know that that comes from the the fact that you're walking hand in hand with God and you're you're you're follow you're you're you're seeking a God that I'm seeking and we may not we may not always get it right. You know, I don't always get it right. And I know that for sure.

and and and and I and I talk to God. Talk to God this morning on my knees as I do when I wake up on my knees, humbling myself before God. Please show me, light the path.

Show me the way. And I don't know that I'm doing your will. I'm seeking it.

And I don't know that I'm doing it, but I know it pleases you that I ask. And and I seek that God. And then I hang out with people that seek that God.

and and and and my sponsor and and and whoever takes me through this work and I'm working with is that person that's al also one it's kind of important that's also done the work um that's that's a good requirement and um and and it's had a spiritual awakening as a result and then can show me that way through there you know what I mean and and today I believe that in that sponsorship relationship you know the only thing I ever need to look at is can this person still take me to places of growth spiritually? It's the only thing I used to think, can this person still afford to to to to pay for my cigarettes? I can this person continue to babysit and give me rides.

Um they're starting to not uh give me enough. And today I know that the truth is um and I've changed sponsors, you know, throughout the years uh but typically not, you know, my my sponsor today tells me the truth and and and even more importantly, he knows the truth in me. He knows when I'm lying and and that's what I need is somebody that I can be accountable to.

So when we talk about sponsorship, to me, what that looks like is somebody that I've given spiritual permission to tell me the truth no matter what. And we have a spiritual partnership where he can tell me the truth and I'm required to tell him the truth. And and whatever that truth is, it's okay.

and and cuz I've given him permission to tell me that and and and how I and to talk to me about how I'm showing up today and and and get me current and keep me current with this work. And that's what he does. And and I'm not here to debate the men with men and women with women.

My sponsor is a male and and um and that's okay. That's my experience. That's what that's this is working for me.

It has been working for a very long time. And um I don't know that I'd recommend it to the the newcomer. I I I I went to him with 10 years sober and and I didn't need to uh I keep a really really really strong network of God-guided, God- directed, God inspired women in my back pocket.

I have a network of women that are absolutely amazing and I can talk to them about anything that's uh that needs to to go to a female with. that my sponsor is a um he's that one person that that can see the truth through me and and and I've given permission to and and that's what I need today and you know and today we have the sponsorship family and and you know and again I'm not here to be controversial. I don't know much about this whole, you know, let's uh not be friends with our sponsors or I don't want a sponsor to be my friend or, you know, vice versa.

And and that might work for whoever. From my experiences, it's just I I can't listen to a woman's fist and sit down and have the most intimate conversation she's ever had in her life and ask her to open up her heart and to tell me the truth and to sit there and invite God in and to have that experience with another woman and then say, "I'm not your friend. It's just not my experience." you know, and and and my sponsor today, he put my hand in God's hand and and and now it's between me and God to work it out, you know, and and and and I'm and and we walk shoulderto-shoulder, all of us together.

I'm a sponsor that guides me that's God directed and God guided, but at the same time, he's put my hand in God's hand, and now it's my turn to to go help you women, and that's it. But if I have something that I need him to go there with me, he'll hold my hand and go there with me because it's my friend, too. That's how come he can know me so well.

I've had my relationships with my sponses are the most closest, most intimate relationships I've ever had. I've never known anything like that. I came in here when I came in here when I was telling you about that day.

I called 411. I came to in a hotel room beaten and and battered and naked and I couldn't remember the last thing I could remember. and naked.

I went to a phone somewhere and I filmed and I called 411 and I said, "I'm I've been out longer than I usually had because I've been shaking really bad, the convulsion start, and I I typically will go into seizures next and I know the drill and I'm in bad shape and I've been out a while and I have nothing and I need a drink in me." And so I found a phone and I called the operator. I called 411 and I said, "I think I'm dying." See, cuz I had nobody. I had no phone numbers.

She said, "We just give phone numbers here. Is there somebody's phone number you want? I said, I don't know anyone.

I just need help. I think I'm going to die. So, I go to that from coming here with no friends.

You see, what happened was I find myself alone. And that's not what makes me alcoholic. And and and and God bless us all.

God's grace is with us. Whether that's the kind of bottom you had or not, it doesn't matter. You that doesn't make you have to hit a bottom like that.

Like when I talk about that, I need to always, you know, just put out there as well that it you don't have to get to that place. It's this place in in internally and here it's that spiritual malady. It's that hole.

It's that that pit. It's that that that common thing that we all share which is that hopelessness and that despair and and and and then we share this surrender. This bottom takes us to a moment of surrender.

That's that place that we share. a moment of surrender. That time that in the depths of our soul, we surrendered.

I surrendered and gave up. And that's what we we share. That brings us on this journey together.

And and and and we all have that in common. We know what we're talking about. And if you don't know what we're talking about, you don't know what I'm talking about with that, that's okay.

Just get with someone. You know, if you don't know what that's like to to have that kind of despair and then and then get to a place of surrender and it's okay. Just tell somebody the truth about that.

You know, that's why we're here. I know that's why I'm here. I acts for recovery are awesome and this is so cool and and and I love these things and it's always an honor to come do these things but I'm just here showing up to see if anybody needs to talk about that needs if anybody needs to talk about the way they're feeling over.

If somebody needs to talk about I don't know what that moment of surrender really looks like. I haven't been there or it was I've fallen so far away from that. I need help, you know, and and that's why um most of the people here today, you know, had a spiritual awakening are here because if you're suffering, we're here to say just tell us about that.

It's okay. Just tell us about it. You know, when I came in, they told me a lot about faking it until you make it.

And and and I've seen a lot of people die that way. And for a long time, I pretended like I was doing really good because they said it was okay to just fake it. I I buried a man I dearly loved with all my heart a few years back who was just pretending like he was okay not telling anybody the truth.

We bury our friends when we're faking it. It's about telling another alcoholic the truth and that something happens in that magic of when two people come together for the purpose of recovery. just telling another person the truth of where we're at.

And and I know for me that's the truth today. And and so and I know that that was God that day that I called 411. I didn't know anyone.

I came to alone having nothing left to go to and and and nothing but God. I didn't I I I got on my knees and I said, "God, please don't let me die." and they brought me to you guys and here we are you know and and that's how come I know I didn't do nothing with it and and and so we talk about sponsorship and I talk about my sponses and I tell you that I came here with no friends no family to speak of and and and and I have the most amazing relationships in my life today and and and you know like in the Native American uh world they they talk about this the definition of spirituality being right with yourself God and others Right. So we get right with ourel, God, and others.

And we stay right. And that's we stay right on that 10, 11, 12, and staying on that beam. And that beam is love.

And and and and but we have to be right with ourselves, God, and others. It's about our relationships today. And it's about how we show up for each other and and in service, unity, and recovery.

and and and and so those girls that that I work with, I went to a wedding two weekends ago and and I watched a a girl that I've watched for 10 years can't get a day. I've watched her for 10 years in and out and in and out and she just can't get a day. And uh two Saturdays ago, we went down to the church and watched her get married, you know, celebrating a few years now and her husband and little baby and they got married and and I stood there and watched that and those are the honors that I have today.

That's how come I still don't say let me let me listen to your fist have the biggest honor I could possibly have in this deal and then not s stand with you at your weddings and stand with you in your court dates stand with you when you have your babies I I had another girl and I'll just talk about this briefly because it came to me and whatever flows um to me so I had another sponsy that um had a similar experience as me as far as getting pregnant in early soiety and stuff like that and I went with her to the hospital to give birth to her baby 3 years ago. Last week, it was 3 years. We went to the hospital and I was her birthing coach and and I held her hand while she gave birth to the baby.

That's the miracle. Those are that's the stuff we're doing. Doesn't have much to do with this hour or two that we're in here typically just talking this talk.

It's all good. It's about how I'm moving my feet out there, though. It's about how I'm showing up for my girls.

It's about how I'm answering the phone. It's about am I answering the phone when they're calling? Am I taking the time?

My sponsor tells me the service work is only counts when it's inconvenient. If you're excited about it, doesn't count. It must be inconvenient and uh for it to count.

But um and he tells me, "Are you spiritually mature enough to to do this service work without um being found out? Do you need to tell anybody? Do I need to say, no, I'm sorry, I can't make it.

I'm doing set work. or can I just say I'm busy tonight? Do I need to be found out?

Do I need people to know I sponsor a ton of girls? Does that is that necessary? Am I spiritually mature enough to just show up and and and help whoever is in front of me?

And I and I believe that that's what lights our path. That's my experience. My belief is and and what what God has shown me is is that I don't have to figure anything out.

The big book tells us it's already been figured out. And the big big book also tells us you don't have to figure anything out. It's already been figured out for you.

All you have to do is trust and rely upon the spirit of the universe. That's it. It's all you have to do.

Show up and rely upon the spirit of the universe to figure it all out. All you got to do is show up and do my work. Perform my work and perform it well.

And and that's my experience is that I I don't need to find my path and what way that's going to take me. I need to light the path for the new girl and that will guide my own path wherever it's to be. It will be to where I can be of usefulness and helpfulness and and I'll rest on my loyals, right?

And my sponsor talks to me about all the time and I talk to my girls about it and and and and that just means that that I will uh take stock in my in my my past accomplishments. I I'll I'll depend on past accomplishments to keep me well. today and we talk about needing to seek a new experience and and um you know and I'll rest my laurels and you know just last week was it we were at the diner and uh I was like I got this text like oh I have to go do step work and and friend's like oh you don't have to go I'm like right I don't have to go cuz I had a really long day because we were golfing in the rain and everything the rain and the golf like what am I talking about when do I get to a place where I was golfing in the rain I'm too tired to do step work right like it's about not resting on that loyal that past I've done I you know I don't need to do it I've come so no it's about showing up no matter for me I have to be responsible and being accountable and I have to be accountable to another human being and I have to be accountable to God and and I get that there's there's no human aid in that that's why I rely and depend upon the spirit of the universe is God that that guides me and directs me and I look for balance like the rest of you I think we struggle with this balance thing and and do I have too many sponsies and and then just doing too much AA and service worker and not enough and always trying to find the balance in my experiences.

I I can't find that. That's like saying I can be God and and and figure all that out. I can't find a balance.

What's that even look like? The balance that I find consists of a lot of Netflix and um some some downtime. I leave it up to me.

I can't I can't tell you what I think balance looks like. Just, you know, just like I can't tell I can't tell you that. I don't know what that looks like.

I know that that I go to God in prayer and in in meditation and I ask him to show me who he wants me to help and how I can be of service and how I can be helpful. And from there, it just goes and I like a hot butter hot knife through butter. I just go with it from there.

and and sometimes he piles tons of of of people for me to work with in my life and and there are usually times that I'm single and unemployed and have tons of time and and I don't go seeking that just comes to me in those periods and and that balance keeps us that we're just dancing with God here just dancing along, you know, and and just walking shoulder-to-shoulder. I didn't even look at the time. Can one of you guys tell me when I'm getting close in time?

I >> think that was a yes. >> 3:30. >> 3:30.

What time do I go to? Okay, thank you. So, yeah, I don't know what that looks like.

I just uh have to trust in that that power of the universe. So, what happens for me is this woman told me the truth and we're jumping back to that, but this woman, it's my my my first we'll call real sponsor um that took me through this work. She told me the truth and and she took me through this work and I had a spiritual awakening and and as a result I was out there helping people and doing tons of really cool stuff and I was living out in California and we were hooking up and with with with AA out there and we were doing some pretty neat stuff out there and having a good time and I moved back here and and and and I'm back in my old home group that I I I got sober in and I'm having a good time and and and I'm lost in it.

I'm lost in it and I don't know what to do and and I don't want to tell anybody. And um but I knew this is back to what I was talking about at the very beginning. I knew a solution.

I knew a God that was loving and full of grace and and and that if I seek him, he will show me the way again. I knew about that. I just got a case of the busies and and I figured if I was doing the doing the service work, that's where they told me the winners were.

if I was hanging out with the winners, doing service work and and and and and making meetings and doing all that. And I know today that nothing nothing can treat my alcoholism except for a a a power and a source that I choose to call God. There's nothing else that can treat my alcoholism.

And I love the fellowship of AA. It's not going to treat my I just can't use it to treat my alcoholism with. and I'm hanging out and and and and I finally I finally felt that that thing creep up inside that just said it's that the way my alcoholism comes at me today.

It doesn't say why don't you get loaded and live in a corporate box again? It'll be a good time. Doesn't say that to me.

It says probably not even alcoholic. Probably don't even need this. You got sober at 23.

Come on. You're just partying. It doesn't start to tell me about how lost choice and drink.

It just start start to tell me about it's all right. You don't really have to sponsor all these people. You don't really have to do all this work.

You've been doing a long time. Why don't you date some hot guy instead for a change? That's okay.

You deserve to date. You deserve to stay home tonight. Really?

Really? Really? Really?

just not one of them. It's okay. That's how my alcoholism will come at me.

That's how it comes at me today. And and and so I start to feel that. I can watch it as an observer of these thoughts.

I can watch it creeping up and it scares me to death. And I go to like like Claire, I go to a man with maybe three or four years sober knowing that I can't fake it until I die. Knowing that I have to tell somebody the truth about this, knowing that there are safe people inside these rooms that I can tell the truth to today.

And I went to him and I simply said, "I don't know what's missing, but I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm professing a faith in which I do not believe.

I'm scared that I talk from podiums all around the country and I talk at kitchen tables and I talk in meetings about a faith that I don't even believe in because I'm not doing it. And I'm scared that my actions, my insides don't match my outsides. And that's the truth.

I'm in conflict with my insides and my outsides. and I know the truth, but I don't feel like I know a God anymore. That that God that lives deep down inside of each and every one of us, I know is in there and I don't know it anymore.

And I don't know what I'm not doing right cuz I'm sponsoring girls and I'm in service and I have a lot of commitments. And he said, "What's what's prayer meditation look like? What's 10, 11, and 12 looking like for you?

How how accountable are you being? What's your inventory looking like? Let me look at your inventory.

Let's go over your Why don't we do this? We'll sit down. We'll go over your inventory for the last week or two and we'll see where what's missing.

I said, "Yeah, I used to do that." With the pen and now I've gotten so good at it, I can do it in my head. I just do it in my head. Oh, yeah.

I'm good. Good. Check.

Check. Good night. He said, "If you can't show me your inventory, that's what's missing.

He said, 'What's your meditation life look like? I said, you know, I used to be really into that meditation. Then I got busy.

He said, "Let's talk about that." And that's okay. And so we talked about that and and and he got me back into that writing that daily inventory. And now I didn't have to to to get drunk again.

I didn't have to die. I didn't have to make a big thing of it. just quietly need to sit down and and get current with someone.

I need to get back into to to a daily practice. And today that practice is what keeps me keeps me, you know, with that that peace and that that freedom again, that that that morning routine of of of meditation and and prayer and journaling. And and and he said, you know, he he he started to tell me about how there's a big difference in um in being into activities and taking action.

There's a big difference in that. They started telling me what what does that look like? What action are you taking?

What are you responsible to take action for? How are you be bearing witness in that third step? And it's funny because right after that um Claire's on here, but right after that the um you know when the book talks about how we must expand upon our spiritual life to handle those certain trials and low spots that lie ahead because they're going to lie ahead and we and I have to expand upon it not when that trial hits me suddenly.

It comes suddenly. I can't prepare that down the road someone I love is going to die. I better get spiritual now.

It doesn't like it doesn't what happens is those those those those low spots are coming and I better be prepared for them and I better be getting worked up for that and and I better be seeking new experiences in that and and I knew that. But what happened was this um this friend of mine, she came over and she said she came over my house and and and she said um I know you've been looking for some new experiences lately and and my friend Claire said to give you this and and she gave me the set aside prayer and I put it on the kitchen uh fridge and I looked at it the next morning and I thought maybe I could bring this into my my spiritual routine and and so I talked today about that pre and post set aside prayer life, what that looked like. And the amazing thing was my life was good.

Things were good. And and today, you know, still sponsoring girls and and still working with the sponsor, being accountable. It's something fundamentally different because it's a it's um it's tapping into that power and and and that feels different than doing this work because it's required.

When I look at doing service work or or or taking somebody through this work or or sitting down listening to a fist as a chore, I'm in trouble. Today, I do it because with all my heart, I want to see you get well. I I would do anything for you to have that kind of freedom and experience.

I do it because I see girls come in that are still staring at the shoes. They can't get above their eyes above the shoes. And that's okay.

I was like that. I see them come in broken and frightened and scared. And I see him just have a broken spirit and feeling helpless and and and and I see him come alive.

I see him I I see God transform women in front of my very eyes on a daily basis. I watch miracles every day. I watch that's how I stay.

I have a new experience with these tests as I'm doing them. And I and and I see women start to just lighten up some and and and wear pretty purple and and have pretty hair and and and sit on the beach and do a fist up and I see them just starting to lighten up and and their eyes start to light and they start talking about God and meditation and and then they start telling me things like now I can't go out on Friday. I'm taking this this this new girl through the work and then I see that new girls taking other girls through the work and and it's an amazing thing that's coming up amongst us and and and to watch it is absolutely the highlight and the bright spot of my life.

Doesn't get any better than that. I get down a fist and I feel like I'm in love. I don't know with who I don't know exactly who it is just yet, but I am in love with him.

like I'm just I got that this fire and and she's like I'm exhausted going home like I'm going to be up till 3:00 like vacuuming, you know, like I don't know what to do with myself. That was amazing stuff. and you know and and and that kind of thing, that kind of energy and and and and high that I get from working with a new girl and watching her come alive and have a spiritual awakening and and and and to see God transform her before my very eyes.

That kind of experience is bar none to anything else. The the the the the high and the drunk that I chased all those years can't touch it. That feeling of being in love with the whole world like you have this capacity to love the whole world.

Just go do it. You know that kind of thing this and that kind of spiritual experiences just get deeper and better. And it's an amazing thing.

It's an absolute amazing thing to be a part of. And we have this sponsorship family that's pretty badass. I I got to tell you.

And and we get together and we have family dinner on Sunday nights. and uh at least once a month or so. And and all my girls are required to at least bring three of their girls and those girls are required to bring at least one person.

And we get together and we talk about what books you're reading. What's what's your prayer life been like? What do what did you find?

What are you doing? And we talk about what's your home group look like? You needing help at your home group?

My home group could use some service commitment to be filled. And and and I just read this book or that book. And we share with each other how to go along on this journey.

and we bond together as a as a sponsorship family and and my sponsor comes in and and and he starts talking about what he's doing that's new and and we learn from each other and and and and we're, you know, holding each other's hand, walking each other home, all figuring out together as a family in unity and and those girls, they email me their inventory every single night. Every single night around 9:00, ding ding ding, phone starts going off, emails are coming through, they write their inventory. If they don't live nearby, they they email it off to me.

We discuss anything we need to discuss. we meet once a week or we have a phone conference or Skype, it doesn't matter. We But they're showing up and and they're helping other girls and I watch it and and and and so then I have purpose and I live a life of purpose that I know nothing about.

I would have so short changed myself when I came in here just asking to not be physically sick anymore. Maybe find a place I could live in a regular basis. And and today I live a life of purpose.

Today I have a a reason to show up and go out there and and and and there's this this this joy that comes over me. This joy that comes over that's so overwhelming. Sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing, pull over the car, whatever it is.

And and I just weep and and tell God, I know I never did nothing to deserve this life. I don't know what I did to deserve this life, but thank you for it. And today I can have friends in my life that show up no matter what.

16 years that I've been an Alcoholics Anonymous, I've never turned a corner that you guys weren't there. I've never had anything. I put on my I'm probably getting down to time, but I put on my fist every every year and I would work with my my sponsor on on my fears and how agnostic I'm being, how much I trust God.

My fear is always that how do I live without my mom? I need my mom to do this. My mom's my best friend and she's my closest person in my life.

And and and and we've developed this bond and and she got to watch Alcoholics Anonymous and and and the point is when I when my mom got sick a couple years ago, I just told you guys about it and you just showed up together. When I went down to be with her, my spons showed up to babysit the kids. And when I went down to sit with my mom when she was on hospice and I was there and her her final breast was a beautiful thing that that we had as a result of this of freedom and the connection that we had cuz there's nothing between us.

And after she passed away, I reached over. I was cuddling up in bed with her in her living room. And I reached over and I grabbed my phone and I called my sponsor.

He said, "What's going on?" I said, "She stopped breathing." He said, "Yeah, you have to call somebody else before me. Not the first call on this one. I said, "That's right.

I I got this. Call the funeral home and call the ambulance and call you." And yes, call me back. I'll stay on the phone till they get there.

And that's what he did. And and that's and and that's how I can't be left unattended. I need to rely and and and and hook up with this God that directs me and guides me every step of the way.

But I can't and and I have to meditate to hear those answers and I sit meditation and I can clearly see where to go most of the time. But I need somebody to be accountable to somebody that can tell me what that looks like and and so for this relationship that I have with the with this sponsor of mine and then with the sponses that I have and then with my own daughters, there's nothing like it in the world. So everything I was ever searching for when I talked about when I first came in broken and lost, I found it, you guys.

I found an AA. I found my home here. I just searched for a home my whole life somewhere where it belonged.

And now I get to have this purpose and this family a and this home and and I never did nothing to deserve it. But I believe my job is that what you want give. I believe my job is to help other people.

I believe it is my my responsibility and it's my passion. It's what I what I I feel like I was always put on this earth to do was to help you in any way that I can. It's what brings me joy of living.

It's what gets me out of those stressful moments. And and and that's what we're doing. That's what Bill saw 13 days sober in a hospital.

He had the thought so far beyond any kind of spiritual maturity I'll ever reach. He had a thought maybe if I do this I could I could help other people and maybe those people could help other people. He took that thought even that much further and people could start to get well.

I didn't come here for all that. I didn't come here for all that. I didn't know anything about it.

I know today it's the greatest honor and gift that I have. And um I know today that that this whole deal is about helping others. And and the book tells us this is what we do when when all else fails.

This is what we do. And it tells us that our whole purpose is to fit ourselves into maximum service to God and others. It tells us that.

It tells us our purpose is not to stay away from alcohol or or to go to meetings. It says your purpose is to fit yourself to into a position where you're placed in maximum service to others. It's about being in service.

That's what gives me that that walking in the sunlight of the spirit feeling. That's what gets me out of this self on self on self on self that I just can't get rid of. The fact that I can help somebody else and the book talks about that most importantly the next alcoholic.

That's why we're here. It's the only reason we're here to help each other out. I believe it is our job and our responsibility as recovered men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous to help others period whatever that looks like.

I don't care what fellowship or I if it's not I if it's not in AA it's about helping others. Am I am I out of time? Am I about time?

All right. So, I'll wrap it up with this, but the um the gift really is to be able to show up today and be in service to you. If I could do nothing else for the rest of my life is just to be in service, however that looks, whether that's cleaning coffee pots or or sitting oneonone at the table.

We all have our niche in Alcoholics Anonymous and and for some people that's a podium. It's really not my my it's not my specialty. It's not my glitch.

I do want to ask, but it's that for me it's that kitchen table, that book, and something magical happens and we invite God in. For me, it's that third step, prayer on your knees with another woman, holding hands and and and and that's just my experience with it, you know, and and and I'll just close with ending that story about Claire and they brought me this the set aside prayer and and I started saying the set aside prayer and I heard another woman say, "Why don't you say the takeaway prayer?" And that is God take away everything from me in which you do not want me to have. Period.

And I started saying the takeaway prayer every day. God, take away everything from me and what you do not want me to have. I believe and I'm committed to that third step and living in the essence of that third step, which is whatever you take away is none of my business.

It's okay. I'll just go with whatever you want me to have left. And saying that along with the set aside prayer and and and God, give me a new experience with this today.

Show me a new experience with you, with this book, with with God that with the two prayers combined. and and what happened was things shifted and and and and and things started to be taken away and and my my boyfriend slept with a neighbor and I don't know how that's related but what happened was he was taken away and and that was okay cuz I was living this essence of this third step or whatever and today we're like best friends that's from the those those steps that come later in 10 11 12 and being able to stay in in in a men's and his spirit the the greatest gifts that we get from doing this thing is to live in a spirit of love and kindness and forgiveness and and things started to be taken away and that was okay. We just went with it and we started going to new meetings and doing new things and my mom got sick right after that and I knew that God was just getting me ready to get spiritually fit again to handle these low spots are are about to come.

Mom's going to get sick. You're going to need to be hooked up. I'm showing you some new experiences.

Throw away the other ones. We don't go into yesterday's garbage and pull out ingredients for tonight's dinner, right? Yesterday's all yesterday's experience.

I need a new one. I have amazing experience in Alcoholics Anonymous all the time. It won't do me.

But I'll have an amazing spiritual weekend. We'll go on a retreat and we'll be doing all kinds of cool AA things and and we'll be running around doing the stuff that we do and and and Monday around noon it's worn off and I got to find something, you know? Oh, that's wearing off.

And and so it's about seeking those new experiences and for me being hooked up with a sponsor and with men and women that are are God-guided, God inspired, God- directed that can show me a new experience and we go and find things together and we do this thing and and and and the girls I work with come along with me and and we go and do it. And that's what this whole deal is about. That's about how we're hooking up with one another, helping each other out and and walking each other home in this journey.

And so to be a part of it's amazing. and and I hope that I've helped in any way today. I'm here if you need anything.

And thank you again for asking me. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.