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>> You know, my name is Scott and I am an alcoholic >> because anything that comes out of my mouth left to me is nothing that's really worth saying. You know, I believe firmly that God speaks through other people. And I hope tonight that I've said a couple prayers that he does that for me tonight cuz you know I still have a big problem with my ego today and selfish and self-centerness can pop up at any given moment, you know.

So I'm going to do my best to do it how the big book says. I'm going to tell my story in a general way, what it was like, what I did to get here, and what I do today to stay here. You know, I I come from a background that uh we could, you know, I've heard it before in these rumors.

You know, I could have my own home group. There was alcoholism that's run rampant through my family. Um, I used to think my family was normal.

And the reason I thought my family was normal is because that's what I knew. I didn't know any different. And it was till I got a to be a little bit older that I realized dysfunction was our family way.

You know, I I grew up with my grandparents. So, they were a little bit older and I really had the free reign of basically whatever I wanted to do because my grandmother taught me at an early age that she was going to tell me, you know what, you're going to get and I never quite got it. You know, I knew that if I got grounded, if I waited long enough, uh, and my mom went to work, that grandma was going to let me come out with one rule.

Make sure that you were home before your mom got home. So, at that point, I knew, you know, I could already start playing the system. I could get in all the trouble I wanted when mom was home and know I could run the streets.

You know, my character defects started at a very young age in my eyes. I don't know if anyone else here can relate to this, but uh, I used to like to take things apart and never know how to put them back together. And that's pretty much how my life went from that point on.

I knew how to tear it apart real easily, but I never quite figured out how to put it together until I came into the rooms Alcoholics Anonymous. And a lot of the people in this room showed me how to put my life back together because they introduced me to the program and showed me how to work it, you know, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. You know, normally I'm not as nervous speaking in front of people cuz that's what I do on a daily basis is I speak to people, you know, but every time I come down here, I I get a little nervous and I talk a little quicker than normal.

And that's just because, you know, a lot of the guys sitting here tonight are the ones you showed in this program. So what I have to teach you guys, you know, hopefully that can be a ray of hope and hopefully John there goes home with something that he can really use cuz right now partner, you're the most important person in this room, you know, and I want you to know that if you get nothing else out of this, please stay talked to somebody and get some phone numbers. You know, I started out drinking at a pretty young age, you know.

I was uh I think it was in about sixth grade is the first time I drank and and nothing changed from that point on really. I blacked out the first time I drank and I remember it was on a bottle of Bahama Mama Schnaps and a bottle of root beer schnaps. Me and a cousin of mine drank the whole bottle.

I puked for days, blacked out, don't remember what happened. Woke up the next day, puked, went back to bed, passed out, I guess, and and went from there. Never did it really cross my mind that I wasn't going to do that again.

You know, I didn't know anything about alcohol at that point. And I can't say I drank every day from that point cuz I didn't, you know, but that's the first time I drank alcoholically in my life. But I can tell you at any time that I pick up another drink of alcohol, that's what happened to me.

I drank too much and I got sick and I did things that I normally wouldn't do. You know, I tried to live a normal childhood. You know, with what I was given to me, you know, my dad's still an alcoholic and my mom is a recovered alcoholic in this program today and she had problems with other substances.

None of that is what makes me an alcoholic today. What makes Scott an alcoholic today is because I have a mental obsession followed by a phenomenon of craving. And when I pick up that first drink, I don't know what happens from there.

It talks about that in our book in the doctor's opinion. And and the first time I read that, I could relate to that. I didn't know what happened.

I could relate to a lot of people who said in this rooms that they just wanted to be crazy. That would have been something to explain to themselves. They would have something that they could pinpoint why they did the things they did, you know.

And I looked at it and I read that and it sunk into me, you know. This is why it is. It's kind of like an allergy.

And today is a joke. You know, whenever anybody asks me for a drink, I say I can't. I break out an orange and they look at me kind of weird, you know.

But I know what that means today. And it reminds me that when I drink, I get in trouble. You know, not every time I drink I got in trouble, but every time I got in trouble, I was drinking.

I can give you that much other than maybe a speeding ticket. But you know, and anytime I sat behind those steel bars that none of us like to be behind, it was because of alcohol or some substance related to it. There's not drugs in my lead for the most part cuz I didn't do a lot of them, you know.

it just wasn't my thing, you know. So, at that point, I I found out that I felt a little different than everybody else. And like I said, I had character defects.

And it talks about the uh egoomaniac with the inferiority complex, and that was me to the get-go. You know, if you ask me, I could tell you the best, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, that's the guy I hated more than anybody else there was. And I don't know if anybody else can relate in here about having to be right.

You know, and that still pops up on me all the time today. I'll go to any lengths to prove that I'm right, you know, and want somebody else to believe. And it's a character defect.

I know that today and I try to work on that. Um Bob and I had a conversation about that today, as a matter of fact. But you know what?

Today I don't have to be right. I learned early off is how important is it to be right and be miserable? I'd rather be wrong and be happy today.

And I try to practice that in my life, you know. So I'm going through life and I'm trying to feel normal, but I don't quite feel that. You know, I don't know what it is.

I don't, you know, I was kind of an awkward kid when I was growing up. I was a little, you know, chubby. You know, I I wasn't all that athletic.

Um, there was a bunch of things going on in me, but I can remember that if I uh when I did drink, I didn't feel those feelings anymore. When I drank, I felt that I could run faster, that I looked a little better, that maybe I could be a little slider, you know, and that's what I went for. You know, I got into high school and that's really where I can start telling you where it kind of took off.

you know, my alcoholism started taking off in that point because, you know, it was a lot more accessible to me then. You know, if you're 11, 12, 13 years old, it's not all that easy to come along with booze. You know, you have better luck trying to find other substances than booze.

And I didn't like what that did to me. So, you know what? I could only use it when it was available, you know.

So, I went on and and I got into high school and I started drinking. And I'll tell you what, that that summer between my eighth grade year and 9th grade year, something happens. I kind of had one of those growth spurts and my appearance has changed a little bit.

You know, I wasn't as short and pudgy. I got to be a little tall and slender. I started working out because I started playing football.

You know, I figured I could use all this aggression I had built built up inside of myself for some reason. You know, I can do some good with this now. So, I started working out and I started looking a little better and I started getting the gift of gab from somewhere and I I don't quite know where that came from.

But what happened is I no longer was quite the odd man out anymore. But I still had that inferiority complex in me. So I drank often.

And when I drank, that went away from me. You know, I I saw the promises in this room the first time that the program was shown to me. And it, you know, it talks about, you know, God doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself.

Well, alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. When I put that alcohol into me, I wasn't afraid to go up to a girl and talk to her. I wasn't afraid to do the things that I saw other people doing anymore.

I could do those things. And I like that feeling. I like that feeling until it passed, you know.

And after I got that, I kept getting drunk. And I would try to get that feeling back. And it wasn't quite there anymore.

Slowly and slowly, I stopped liking life even drunk, you know. And that's when I knew, man, something's wrong. But that didn't stop me.

Didn't stop me, you know. So what ended up happening from there is I ended up graduating barely. I got in a lot of trouble and I joined the street gang and I and I did a bunch of stuff but I ended up graduating and after that I decided I was going to go to work.

I wasn't going to college and I wanted to go to work because I needed money to drink. That's all there was to it. At that point I was pretty much a daily drinker and I needed to have money to drink.

So I worked for my dad in an air freight company and I made decent money. I watched him drink that away and I decided I was going to go move furniture. I don't know if any of you guys have ever met a furniture mover, but there's not too many of them that don't drink.

You know, you go on the road, that's what you do. You go to different places, you go to different things, you go to different bars, and you have a lot of fun, you know, until the next morning comes along or that night and you find yourself somewhere you shouldn't be. Waking up next to someone you shouldn't be next to going, "What the hell happened to myself?" Well, bsentennial weekend, I met my first wife, you know, and we were going down there and I thought life was great.

I cashed my paycheck on a Friday. I put on my best clothes and I went out and I thought I was going to do some good that night and I got this girl and I got her as drunk as I was and I thought I was going to, you know, do what I wanted to do that night, which was always selfish and self-centered. I didn't know what purity was.

And I'll tell you, it took me a long time to figure out what purity was. There's no doubt about that. So, what happened is I met this girl that night and we were on the dance floor doing things, having fun, doing what we do.

And and I got her phone number from her, you know, because she left. So, I went out the rest of that night and I tried to find another person that I could do what I wanted to do with and that person didn't come along. So, I went home and I got home and I took a cab home and I called her up and I said, "Listen, where you at?

I'm coming. I don't care if you're in PA, I'm going to meet you tonight." That didn't happen. She was smart enough to tell me no cuz I think she had a clue what I was then.

I ended up going to bed that night and I woke up not really remembering what happened, but I found a phone number and I called that phone number again and she wanted to meet me. So, we got together and we started going. We had fun for the most part.

We drank a lot in the beginning of our relationship. She she was not a mother to her daughter. She let her mom raise her daughter and she went out with me, you know, and and we did what we did and we both started progressing.

You know, I used to say I took a hostage, but I I don't see it as being a hostage because she knew what I was when she met me and she was just like me. but ended up she kind of got pregnant for the second time by me and that's when I thought I was going to try to be a man for the first time in my life and I was going to be a father to my son, you know, and I and I did things along the way that that I shouldn't have done. You know, anybody here can relate to not coming home at night, you know, being married and and and going to a bar and meeting a woman who you think is better because we always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

My life wouldn't be that bad if I had a better woman at home. you know, life wouldn't be that bad if I had a better job and a pocket full of money. If I had that nice car, life would be pretty good.

Well, those are the things I was doing while I was married. I was trying to fill the void in my life with things with stuff, you know, and I heard a lead that we heard at the compass day, 12step day, and it made sense to me cuz that's exactly what I did, but never could put my finger on it, you know. And a lot of what I'll say tonight is stuff that came from other people in these rooms.

It's really not an original thought other than the part that's my story, you know. It's something that I've taken away from somewhere else, you know. So, we're going on and life's getting a little worse.

Scott's drinking a little more and paying the bill stops becoming important. My appearance stopped becoming important and and we're going on doing our things. You know, finally, one night something happened to me.

You know, we got drunk that night and she said a couple things and and made a couple actions and I decided that it was time for me to treat her like a man cuz that's what I thought she deserved at that point, you know. So, I I I did what a lot of guys do, you I ended up beating my wife. I'm not proud of that at all today.

You know, and the fact of the thing is is that's the last thing that a man is. You know, I was a coward. I was a coward and that's all I was.

So, what I did after that is I said, "I know I'm in trouble because she left the house and she was going to a mother's house and I knew what was happening at this point. I knew at this point that the police were going to be at my house and I was going to jail. I took 50 Vicodin and a bottle of vodka and thought it was time for me to just call it quits because I did things I swore I'd never do.

And I thought I was going to take the coward way out of this. But that's not quite what happened. The cops did show up that night and they did take me to jail for domestic violence.

No, she didn't press charges, but they said we're going to because of what she looked like, you know. So, at that point, what happened is I woke up even the next day and I didn't remember being there, you know. And when I went in front of that judge and she was there and her mom walked in next to her and I went, "Oh no, this can't be good, you know, she decided that she was going to let me come back home, you know, and the police department at that point, they showed me the tape of my interrogation that I had no clue about whatsoever.

I didn't even remember being videotaped and that's what they did, you know. So at that point, something happened to me, you know. I came home and she decided that I was going to get sober.

She said, "You got two options right now that you can do with yourself, Scott. You can give me the paycheck, which she wasn't used to getting." So, I'm like, "What do you want that for?" or and go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And at that point, I wanted to do what I was supposed to do because the one thing I swore is that my son was not going to grow up without a father like I did.

So, I was going to do those things and I was going to do it for her and I was going to do it for my son. I was the guy that comes to AA and does everything wrong. You know, I came here for for a reason that wasn't for myself.

You asked me if I had a sponsor and I said, "Yeah, I got a sponsor. It's my higher power. I don't need anybody else.

That's all I hear you guys talk about. You told me I needed to go to more meetings and I said, "You're full of it. You don't have my life.

You don't have to go to work. You don't have kids. You don't have to do this.

You don't have to do that. I do. So, I don't have time to go to four or five meetings a week, you know." So, I walked around this room for 11 and 1/2 months dry.

You did not want to light a match around me. There's no doubt about it because I was just dry. The only thing I was doing was not drinking.

That's all. I wasn't really working the steps. I would tell you I was and I'd read them.

You know, I made a half ship fifth step with a priest somewhere once and didn't get anything out of it. Why? Because I wasn't putting anything into it.

And the one thing I've learned from this program that the more you put into this, the more you get out of it, you know? So, what ended up happening at 11 12 months of sobriety, I got offered the job to be a bartender at VFW. And I said, "You know what?

I've been sober long enough. I'm going to go to this bar and I can bartend and I'm not going to drink, you know, because again, I'm staying sober for other people. So, why wouldn't I be?

Those people weren't leaving. I'm going to be able to stay sober. Well, I heard in this rooms that, you know, willpower doesn't work for alcoholism today.

You know, they say try to use it just like diarrhea. You try to use willpower and diarrhea, what are you going to be sitting in? The same stuff I was sitting in trying to use willpower to control my alcoholism.

So, one night I get in a fight with that wife and she's telling me things I don't want to hear and I decide, you know what, Scott's going to start drinking again. But something happened at that point. I felt kind of good to be honest with you.

And then when I went home, I got away with it. I came home that night and she didn't know I drank because I knew if I came home sloppy drunk, she didn't know. And I knew if she found out that I was drinking what was going to happen to me.

So, I ended up getting away with it. And I went to work that Saturday night and I said, "Well, I I drink now. I might as well drink again." and I drank again.

And then after that, it slowly progressed. One night, it was a Friday night, we met up at a bar called Bamboozles on Broadview Road. She was meeting up with her friends and she said, "Scott, why don't you meet us up there?" You know, I said, "Okay, I'm going to meet you up there." I walked in that bar and I ordered a beer right in front of her and I drank that beer and I don't know if anybody can relate to that look in people's faces when you told them you weren't going to drink anymore and they see you drinking for the first time and they look like a ghost.

They go white and they're like, "Oh my god, what is he doing?" Almost as life had ended for her. She knew it. And really, life was about to end for her.

She knew it. There was no doubt about it because at that point, my alcoholism took off again because I didn't have to hide it now. I could drink the way that I thought I wanted to drink.

And actually, it wasn't the way I thought I wanted to drink. It's the way I wanted to drink at that point. Cuz I made a conscious decision to pick up that drink.

It wasn't a slip. It wasn't It wasn't an accident. I said, "I'm going to pick up a drink." And I put it to my lips and drank it.

And the reason I did that is because I didn't have a defense against the first drink. Because I didn't pick up this book. Because I didn't pay attention to these steps.

Because I didn't pay attention to the people in this room that cared about me and would call me up and say, "How you doing today?" "Yeah, I'm doing great." You know, and then you'd get that second phone call for the day. How you doing today? What are you guys following me?

Leave me alone. You know, I thought this was like, you know, the the sober mafia and they were taking me and they were keeping me sober. That wasn't the case.

you know, they just really cared about me. And I wasn't used to that because I didn't care about anybody. I didn't care about myself.

I didn't love myself. How could I care about somebody or love somebody else at that point in my life? You know, the first time soriety was offered to me, I didn't lose a lot of things in life.

I still did have the house, I had the car, I had a real good job. Those were all yet for me because all of a sudden, those things I started giving them back away to alcohol. You know, next thing you know, I was more important in that job.

I was a I'm a pretty good salesman. I I I made that company a lot of money. I made them a lot of money and and I thought that that was enough for them.

But I got warned once if you go out again and you don't call us for a week, we're going to have to let you go. They didn't care that when I did come back, I handed him in enough orders to to increase the percentage of our sales by probably 10%. They didn't care about that.

He was more worried about what was going on with his expense account, what was going on with his company car, and who I might have hurt. The second time that happened, I got another warning and I'm thinking, see, this is just like my grandma. He's telling me I'm going to get fired, but I'm not going to get fired.

I'll tell you what, it was the three strikes ruled the work for me cuz the third time I was gone. I was gone and I didn't know what to do. And result of losing that job, a lot of things in my life started to disappear because of that.

Money is not important to me today. What's important to me is the people around me in my life, you know, and God will take care of my needs, not necessarily my wants at all times, you know. So, I stayed out there for about three and a half years, you know, and life got real bad.

At that point is when I really started doing the infidelities, you know, cuz I started drinking and I I thought it was my job to make sure your wife was taken care of. And that's the kind of guy I was when I drank. And there was no doubt about that cuz you couldn't do the job that I could do because I looked better, I could dance better, I smelled better, and you were a loser.

That's really the way I looked at other people, you know, when I was drinking because when I was drinking that ego flared and I found out in these rooms that, you know, getting sober is an ego deflating process. And that's what I try to do on a daily basis today is help keep that ego down. And today I got people in my life that'll help me keep that ego down if it does flare up too big.

And there's no doubt about it. You know, for that I got to thank Annie. But you know, I I I'm going through this stuff and life's getting real miserable for me again.

And then I tried a couple different times at suicide again throughout this process, you know, because to me that was going to be the easier way. Not realizing that, you know what, if you commit suicide, the people you hurt the most, the people you hurt the most are the ones that love you cuz we leave. We didn't care.

But our families got to deal with that. My son's going to have to grow up without a father. You know, my mother's going to have to grow up without a son.

You know, those are the things today. And I and I there's no good reason I'm standing here in front of you other than God didn't want me to go because I did enough things to where God would have wanted me. If God didn't want me, I'd be there.

There's no doubt about it. So, we're going through this thing, you know, and life's getting pretty miserable again. And and one day I was sitting in a bar and I looked and I saw myself in the glass in the back and I was and and after that I went to the bathroom to wash my face.

And while I was in the bathroom washing my face, there's a mirror and I punched that mirror and broke it because I wish somebody would have punched me cuz I couldn't stand to look at me. That was the problem. That was the problem.

So, I got sober there for about another couple, I don't know, it was maybe a month or something like that. And then I decided I was going to go out and visit my dad and we're going to get up to my last drunk here. You know, the big book talks about not having a cloud in the horizon.

You know, I went out and visited him for no good reason. I went to work. I got my job done early to go out and visit him knowing what he does.

He lives at the American Legion, the VFW in a bar called Excuses in Sunduski. If you ever go out there, if you go into all three of them places, you're bound to meet him. There's no doubt about it.

So, I find him that day and we're sitting there and we walk into the American Legion and the girl gives me a Roman Coke cuz she knew what I drank when I drank. I'd been there many of times. I told her, "No, I I don't want that, you know." And she kind of asked me again what I wanted to do with that drink cuz she wasn't going to pour it out yet.

And she finally said, "You sure you don't want it? I'm just going to throw it out. And I and I looked at her and my honest words were, "Well, that's alcohol abuse.

We can't have that happen. Let me drink it since you got it sitting there." And I picked up that drink and drank it. And then that drink made me drink another one.

And I kept drinking. And I was thought I was having a good time again. You know, I stood up there and I'm dancing on the dance floor again with one of your guys' wives and and I'm having a good time and I keep drinking and keep doing what I'm doing and and I feel start feeling miserable again.

I go, "Wait, I got to get home." So, I get in my car and I decide I'm going to start driving home. And the state highway patrol saved my life. The state highway patrol decided that they were going to do an intervention for me right on the side of the road.

They pulled me over and I got out of that car and I remember passing the field sobriety test because he let me get back in that car. You know, he didn't put the handcuffs on me right away. I got back in that car and I got back in the car and he goes, "Something ain't right here." And I told him the lines I'm sure a lot of us has used.

Well, I took some cough medicine. I'm not feeling well. I'm a little cold.

you know, I got to apologize. This was in January. So, you know, all those things made sense in my alcoholic mind.

I got back in the car and he brought this little thing over and made me blowing it. Well, that let him know that I was truly drunk. And at that point, he said, "You know what?

Why don't you step back out of the vehicle, made sure I didn't have any weapons on me, and he did something for me that night. He let me sit in the front seat." And I'm thinking, "All right, I'm pretty unique at this point." And I tried giving him one of those FOP cards that you get, you know, to your buddy cop that's sitting in the bar with you. I tried getting I had one of those FOP cars and I tried giving it to him and he gave me that back but kept my driver's license.

He said, "This isn't no good." So, I put that back in my wallet and we got in his car, you know, and he let me sit in the front seat and I thought, "Okay, I'm special already." You know, I I don't like the backseat of police cars. I don't like them at all because they're them hard steel seats and and they got them windows up and when they turn the corners, you got your hands handcuffed and your head kind of hits the wall each way. I never like that.

But he let me sit in the front seat and he didn't handcuff me till we actually got to the jail, you know. And we're talking back and forth and I don't remember what we said, but I remember talking back and forth. And we get there and I don't know if any of you guys have ever been to Vermillion Jail, but it's just like Mayberry.

You got a couple cops sitting in there and they did not want me to stay there because if they stay there, if there's somebody in the jail, they got to stay there. If not, they get to leave. So, they let me make more than one phone call.

And of course, who's the first person I called? Was my father. You know, I called my dad and I said, "Dad, listen.

I'm in trouble. Can you come get me? And his words to me were no because I'm going to be sitting next to you if I drive out there.

Said, "Okay." So, I finally got a hold of my aunt who lives right off of Bomb Hot Road. My uncle drove out there to get me. You know, they picked me up and at that point I went to uh Applebee's and Yria where my cousin worked and there is where I finished drinking the night.

You know, he gave me a first one and I asked him for a shot of vodka. He says, "Scotty, you're not doing no vodka." He goes, "I know what happens to you when you drink vodka." Because I tried that before. where I, you know, the big book talks about that also trying to switch drinks up.

You know, it must be it's got to be the vodka. I'm only going to drink beer. You know, I might try a couple bottles of wine.

I'm going to drink anything I can to figure out why Scott turns into to an ass every time he picks up a drink. Well, I know why today. Today, I know it's because of that phenomenon of craving and and I my body does not process alcohol properly.

So, I finish my drink there and I go home. Never told my wife, you know, that I got in a DUI. Never.

She asked where the car was. I said, "Well, I got a little too drunk and left it out at Aunt Leona's house cuz they didn't throw my car either. They let her pick up my car on the side of the road." Um, I look in the pocket that morning and I woke up, you know, can, you know, can you relate to picking in that pocket and looking through those tickets and remembering what happened and hoping that it was one of those dreams cuz I had a lot of dreams when I was drinking.

The bad stuff happened and it really didn't happen. I was hoping it was one of those days. But I I got in the pocket and there's three of them sitting there, you know, and I and I had what they call, I guess, an enhanced DUI.

I blew like a 289, you know. So, there's another ticket involved with that. And of course, there was a speeding ticket and and I finally decided that there was going to be time for Scott to end his life again, you know.

And I went up to Walmart to buy a gun cuz I didn't own one and they wouldn't sell it to me because they took my driver's license right on the side of the road. So, from there, I didn't know what to do. I stood at a turning point just like the big book says.

I couldn't live with alcohol. I couldn't live without and I didn't know what to do. So, I did what I thought I should do, you know, and it's probably I guess I've heard of call the moment of clarity.

I called somebody I knew in Alcoholics Anonymous and I went to a meeting and I went to a meeting and at this point I started doing AA for myself because I knew that wife was gone. Now, there was no doubt about it in my mind at that time that she was gone. She there was no reason for her to put up with me, you know.

I was I had nothing to offer. I had nothing to offer but turmoil, trouble, and in agony, you know. So, it came down to it.

I I went to a meeting and I went to a meeting the next day and I went to a meeting the next day and I went to a meeting the next day, you know, and the head started to clear a little bit, you know, and she still was telling me, "You got to find a new place to live. You know, you're not welcome here anymore, so you better start working on that quick before the Middberg Heights Police come back and make sure you're not in this house anymore." So, I I was kind of didn't know what to do, you know, because, you know, I'm thinking to myself, well, I'm getting sober. What do you want from me?

She didn't want to hear nothing about that anymore. How many times did I say I was going to quit drinking? That didn't work for her at all.

So, I ended up making some phone calls and I found an aunt that let me live with her in North Bridge, you know. And this is honestly where I could say my recovery had really began for me because I had had a sponsor I found out there. I think his name was Chris.

I don't even remember. But I never called him. I just saw him at a meeting, knew I needed a sponsor.

You're going to be my sponsor. Will you be my sponsor? He gave me his phone number and I gave him mine and he never called me.

So, well, he must not want to sponsor me because he didn't call me. So, I just kept going on my way. I come to North Ridgeville and I and I walked into the to the Tuesday night meeting up here at uh the church and something happened.

There was people standing around laughing and having a good time and I didn't quite know how to take that because I didn't know what they were laughing at to be honest with you. I didn't feel too good about laughing. But I knew one thing.

God, I better start laughing. You know, I got to try to fit in with these folks down here, you know. So, at this point began a very long time of hiding what I was really feeling because everybody had to think Scott was on top of it again.

Life's pretty good. Haha, let's have fun. You know, that's what uh what it done for me, you know, that night in that meeting, you know.

I noticed something because, you know, I had a problem with women. I noticed something sitting behind me and that was a female and she was what I thought was God's gift to me for stopping to drink, you know, and and and I met this woman and it's the worst thing that I've probably done in my sobriety, you know, but she told me something that night that that got me to keep coming back, you know. She said, "I hope to see you again." And my alcoholic mind started processing this.

And I said, she didn't say keep coming back. She said, "I hope to see you again." Well, from that point on, for a little while, I made sure that woman saw me again. I went to every meeting in North Ridgeville looking for her.

I can even remember I saw a car like hers parked in Marks and I went in the Marks to see if I could find her there, you know. But she did something for me there. She got me to go to more meetings than I probably would have went on on my own.

And I'm not suggesting that to anybody who's sitting in this room by any means because you'll hear the rest of that, you know. But what happened is I started going to more meetings, you know, and and she told me one thing, you know, she said, "You better get yourself a sponsor, you know, and I said,"Okay, I'll do that." And there's two people that I thought that I wanted to be my sponsor and they're both here tonight, you know, they're both here tonight. And thank God I found Andy cuz I probably would have never kept dating that girl if I had picked Ben.

There's no doubt about it. So I I keep seeing this girl and Andy told me what to do. He said, "You know, you really shouldn't go anywhere in private with this girl.

You should go somewhere in public." You know, and and of course, I took that my way. You know, movies are public. They turned on the lights, but it's still in public.

You know, that's not what he was thinking when we talked about this. I know that much. But, you know, we started going to meetings and and and I I don't know if you guys can relate to this.

When I first got sober, I thought my will was kind of like God's will. And I could play around with Ben. You know, I'm thinking, well, it's meant to be.

She's at this meeting. I'm at that meeting. She's at this meeting.

Why not? That's God's will, ain't it? Well, no.

You can do whatever you want to do. We have free will also. And you know a kind of a funny little story about that.

They were passing around this sheet that had 12 step for 12step work for central office. You write down your name and phone number if you have more sobriety. Well, she signed her name on that list.

And when it came to me, obviously I couldn't sign it, but I knew how to write down her phone number. So I wrote down her phone number and I kept that in my pocket. And I had to find a good way to use it.

And I never did. I never found a good way to use that number and would be able to explain how I got this phone number, not really look like a stalker. So, I'm I'm going through it and one night something happened to me.

You know, I thought God worked in my life again. She needed help with her computer, you know, and some of you guys are probably sitting there, where's this guy going with this? But anyway, she needed help with her computer and I was that guy cuz that happens to be my hobby.

There's pretty much not anything I can't do with the computer if you put it in front of me. So, I go over there and I help her with her computer and from that moment on, I'm thinking, well, this is what life's all about. Now, I'm thinking to myself, this is one of the gifts you get for getting sober.

You get a good-look blonde, you know. Well, things started to happen because at this point now, I had a sponsor now. And I had to start working the steps in my life cuz at that point, I really didn't work any of the steps.

I was just going to meetings. I didn't get into the Big Books Alcohol Anonymous. I'm looking, you know, I'm going to meet.

I'm hearing leads. I'm going to discussions thinking I got something to offer and to say, you know, because God forbid I would ever pass at a meeting, you know, and and I definitely stand up and tell you what my opinion on Alcoholics Anonymous was and didn't know anything about it. I I knew what it was like cuz I was sober for a little while.

That crap counted. It didn't work. So, why should I be sharing that information with anybody else?

I never hurt somebody else to be honest with you. So, things comes through and I start working the steps, you know, and I end up out at the Margaritavville out in Sunduski with a bunch of other guys. And now I'm like, what are these guys doing to me?

We end up at this Margaritavville and something happened that night. You know, I I can't say I really wanted to drink, but I saw it there. But there was drunk people there singing karaoke and it wasn't karaoke night.

And that's what I needed at that point because it reminded me why I don't drink cuz that would have been me. I would have been the people out there singing, making a fool of myself, you know? Instead, I let somebody else have the opportunity that night.

And I sat there and held hands with a group of guys and prayed before we ate our meals. And it's the first time I ever did that in my life, you know. At that point, they started showing me what a God in your life can do for you.

You know, so we get together and, you know, now I'm starting to work the steps a little more and they get to that first steps and it says, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable." Wow. That's pretty big pretty big order cuz again, you know, I thought I was powerless over alcohol.

My wife was unmanageable. I still, you know, I'm thinking, man, she just had to quit acting the way she was and I'd stopped drinking. But I got to admit that I was an alcoholic probably honestly for the first time in my life that I was an alcoholic, you know, and things started to change from there.

The unmanageability in my life, I'm sitting here sleeping in my aunt's spare bedroom on the floor on a mattress, you know, that's what I had. I had a Jeep, too, that I hadn't made a payment for in quite a while, actually. So, I'm I'm sitting here thinking, you know, Scott's got something to offer somebody.

I had no right to even start talking to that girl for one reason. One, I wasn't sober long enough to have a clear head. And two, I didn't have anything to offer her.

Nothing at all other than maybe some laps and a few cheap lines. That's all I had to offer. So, I started working the steps and, you know, I I got to see the unmanageability in my life and where I stood at that point, you know, and I'm like, man, what am I going to do?

You know, and I had to look at the second step now, you know, because obviously this is a program you got to keep going forward. You can't just stop. You got to keep moving forward.

And they ask me, "How quick do you want to get better?" I've heard people out there say, you know, you got to wait, you know, wait a year to work a step every year. And the time I heard that, I'm thinking, you got to be kidding me. If I waited a year to work every one of these steps, you're telling me I'd be 12 steps, 12 12 years sober before I can start sharing this message and helping somebody else.

Uh-uh, man. Because I won't stay around that long. Not a guy like me.

There's no doubt about it. They said, "I'll think you want to get better. Let's go." You know, that's what they showed me.

And we started working these steps and we're going through it. And a couple things that started to happen to me. I started to like myself again.

That man in the mirror got got to be manageable at this point. You know, I had to come to believe in a power greater than myself. I'm thinking, wow, what is that?

You know, and I'm going to get restored to sanity. But that's I got a little hold up there until at this Thursday night, somebody made a comment to me. We were talking.

We were reading through the book about the second step and what the definition of insanity really is. I wasn't mentally insane. I kind of wanted to be at some points in my life, but that wasn't the case.

You know, the case was insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You know, I heard that person say, you know, don't stop when the the you're you got the glass and the ice cubes are falling in the glass and you know, the vodka is pouring over it and the jukebox playing loud. I look good, the girl I'm with looking good, everything's going good.

Remember the end of that when you're looking at that mirror and you don't like yourself and there's police lights behind you again and you know you're going to jail. because that's where a guy like me is going to end up when I pick up a drink of alcohol. I'm going to end up back in jail somewhere whether for whatever reason, you know, maybe it's another DUI.

Who knows what it's going to be? Maybe it's for another assault. Who knows?

But think about that. And I said, "Wow, okay, let's do this." You know, now the third step tells us what do we got to do? You know, we got to come to a higher power and we got to give ourselves to him.

You know, we got to give ourselves to God. Hey God, you do this. I can't do it anymore.

You know, you get a big company nowadays and what happens if the company's going bankrupt? Who do they fire? They don't fire the guy stocking the shelves.

They don't fire the guy sweeping the floors. You know, they don't fire the guy working the cash register. They fire the management.

That's what I had to do. I was the manager causing this mess. I had to fire myself and say, "God, take over, would you please?

I need help." And at that point, that's what he did in my life. He started helping me out. And I tried living these principles the way I should.

You know, I started doing everything that I that I should do. You know, coming down to it, I took a moral inventory of myself. You know, I took a a searching and fearless moral inventory myself.

I had a hard problem with that step. You know, I I wasn't scared to do it, but I did set a prayer and asked God to reveal everything to me that needed to be on that list. And I did that.

I said that prayer and I started writing and and it happened. I started feelings I never had before. Because to be honest with you, the only feeling I had when I came in here was anger, you know.

That's the only thing I could really relate to. I didn't really know what love was. I I didn't know what really jealousy was.

I knew anger and rage. Those are the only two things I really could feel, you know. So, I got to look at that list and they put everything on there, but I started feeling things.

I started looking at myself honestly, what I really was. I wasn't the hero I thought I was, you know. I was a stumble bone drunk as I've heard it.

That's what I was, you know. So, I did that and I got through it. I called my sponsor and a couple other people's five, six, seven, eight times in that period of time and got done to it.

Now, I had to do my fist up. You know, I had to share this with somebody else. I didn't like sharing things with anybody else.

And there was things I swore I'd go to the grave with. There's no lie. And it really wasn't all that bad.

I just said, I I can't tell people this stuff, you know. So, what ended up happening is I got done with that fourth step and and I wanted I chose to do my fifth step with my sponsor and he was going to be going on vacation and I was going to have to wait till he got back. I said, "No, no, no, no, no.

We got to get in here and do this now. It's out on paper. We got to get this out." And that's what we did.

We made some time and we did it. I went in his basement and something happened that night. I'm not a going to tell you how to do your fifth step, but I'll tell you what worked for me.

What worked for me is was sharing it with another member of Alcoholics Anonymous, which was my sponsor. And that did two things for me. It let me get to know him and it let him get to know me on an honest level.

He got to know what I was really about, you know, and it worked for me. He also related and would tell me a story to make me feel a little more comfortable so I could open up a little more. You know, I was I was raised in religion where we did confession.

So to me, you know, that's all it was was confession. I talked the priest listen, you know, go out and do your penance, say a couple our fathers, Hail Marys, whatever you got to do and and get out of here, you know. So that was the day that things changed for me.

At that point, you know, we sat back and I got to look at my character defects. And still to this day, that's the stuff I can't forget about because they flare up at times. My shortcomings and character defects today are the two things that get me in trouble more than anything today.

There's no doubt about it. And I work on them. Even though it says God's going to take care of them, I got to work on them and become aware of what I am today.

And I got to be honest with the people around me and let them know what's going on in my head so that they can help me. Because if I walk around here with a big smile every day of my life and say, "Life's great. Nothing's wrong." No one's going to know I'm in pain.

No one can help me work through what I'm going through. So, what I did is is is I got to look at that and then I said the sevenstep prayer and I did that in the basement to my sponsor's house. Actually, I think we knelt by a poker table and said it, you know, and I offered myself to God, all of me, good and bad.

You know, God, here take it. Take all of me. You know, help me out again.

You know, it always seems that since I've been sober, I thank God, but I ask for an awful lot of things, you know, but I don't ask for selfish things. I don't ask to win the lottery, you know. I don't ask for for a new car.

I say, God, please give me the courage for what I got to do, you know. God, please help me to stay sober today so I can help myself and somebody else. I ask for positive things today, not selfish things, you know.

And then I had I had a list, you know, the people I've harmed and I got to become willing to make amends on them all. Okay, I got I got a list. Okay, I knew what that list was.

And and unfortunately at this point is where my life got to be a little tricky cuz I'm dating this woman and and and I asked my son something. It was Father's Day and I said, "Son, what do you want for Father's Day? If you can have anything you want, what would it be?" He said, "I want you to come home with me and mom again." Now, what do you do?

What do you do? I knew I was in love with another woman. There's no doubt about it.

I knew that the the other woman, she wasn't all I cracked up to be anyway. you know, she really didn't like me anymore was the the bottom line underlying thing. But I heard a couple comments from people and I did that and I had to break up with that woman.

You know what? And she almost got drunk over it. And you know, I could have gotten drunk over it.

So that's why you should not date anybody in this program because of the harm that you can do to them, not necessarily yourself. You know, at this point, I I go home and I try to make things work with my wife because I think that's my way of making amends to my son. You know, I I thought that was the way I found out that I was wrong because eventually somebody asked me, "How long are you gonna keep letting this woman treat you like shit?" And I said, "Until you told me, I didn't have to no more." So, I I end up going back out and and I get my own place to live and life's going good.

I'm working these steps. I'm working these amends and I'm trying to do them properly. You know, I'm not going to ex-girlfriends and trying to make amends because I know what's going to happen there if I do that.

I'm going to end up doing the same thing I did to hurt him the first time. You know, there's no doubt about it. So, I'm trying to work the amends properly.

And I can tell you one of the biggest mistakes I made in working amends um was I tried making amends to my ex-mother-in-law. And I went there and I shared with her, you know, about what I did. I asked her what I could do to make it right cuz an amends is not I'm sorry.

An amends is what I can do to write the wrongs that I've done to you, you know, and she kind of let me know what it was, and that was to be a good father to her grandson, you know. you know, and she told me some other stuff that had been going on in his life that I didn't know about, you know, and what was the first thing this alcoholic did when he got in the car after that is I called up my ex and decided to let her know what I thought about those things. And then what ended up happening is now I had to pay that woman a second amends.

And the second amends didn't go as easy as the first one, you know, and then I should have left that in confidence and I didn't. So I ended up hurting her trying to make that amends and that's exactly what it says it says not to do, you You know, it says, "Make direct amends to anyone you need to make them to, except for it's going to hurt you or or them or others, you know, and I wanted to make sure that I didn't do that again." So, I was careful on how I did it. Well, at this point, the promises really did start coming true in my life, you know.

I started to like myself again. It wasn't a fake pink cloud. I felt pretty good.

God started giving me some things in my life for for I guess doing his will. I I I don't know why it happened. I feel privileged that they happened.

But needless to say, I got my own apartment and and and that woman and I started dating again and the other steps started working in my life. You know, the 10th step tells us that we got to continue to take a pro a personal inventory. When we're wrong, promptly admit it.

Promptly doesn't mean next week. It means take that inventory and when we're wrong, do what we got to do to make it right. You know, and I've done that.

You know, I've done that. You know, my favorite stuff at this point in my life is the 10th 11 step to be honest with you because, you know, I got to keep improving my spiritual life. Whatever I got to do to do that.

You know, I hear a lot of people that say the spiritual part of this program and if you hear that, they're kind of lying to you cuz it's really not a spiritual part of this program. This is a spiritual program. You know, that's all there is to it.

Bottom line. You know, if you if I wanted to come in here and just stay get sober and stop drinking, I could do that. But my life's not going to change too much just cuz I quit drinking.

It still will even get a little better just quitting drinking. But the the advantages in the life that I get to have today and the people that I know today because of working their steps of this life in their life is phenomenal. It's phenomenal.

You know, and and and I I got to tell you, man, if you're just sitting around here and you're just not drinking, get into them steps, man. Find a God of your understanding and run with it. Cuz I will guarantee you your life will get better.

It's not just going to change. You're just going to get better. If you work these steps to the best of your ability in your life, man, you got it going on.

That's all there is to it. You're going to start knowing a new freedom and a happiness. You're going to know peace.

You know, you're going to get to look at yourself in that mirror again. You know, and and the 12th step tells us what, you know, we got to share this message. You know, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.

You know, you work the steps, you're going to have a spiritual awakening. And after that, you got to help somebody else try to do the 12 stops alcoholics anonymous. You know, what I do today to stay sober is pretty much the same thing I did when I first came in here.

You know, I go to as many meetings as I possibly honestly can. You know, never less than three a week. I'll sponsor anyone that asks.

I do anything that anybody asks me in these rooms for Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter what it is. in in in our big book study we were talking about we were reading talking about character defects and it was talking about people's willingness what are you willing to do to get sober you got to be willing to go to any lengths any lengths and that's what it you know comes into my head especially this time of year you know I got to remember that I got to go to any lengths to keep what I got I can't say no to aa I got to I got to suit up and show up I want to be in the middle of this program I want to make sure that I'm still calling my sponsor on a daily basis sometimes three times a day you never know what it might be. I want to make sure that if I haven't talked to a guy I'm a sponsor in a while that I you know what I'll pick up the phone and call him.

You know, hey, how you doing? You know, what's going on? Why haven't I heard from you?

You know, that's what I try to do today. You know, I say my prayers in the morning. I say my prayers at night.

I say my prayers during the day. You know, that's just if I need to, it's there any time. That's the only thing I know is with me at all times of the day is prayer.

My cell phone might not work. I might not be able to get a hold of somebody. You know, I may be into a place where I I can't use a cell phone.

I may be sitting in front of a guy I can't stand, but I got to remember that no, I can always talk to God from anywhere I'm at. And with his help, so far since I've asked him, I haven't had to pick up a drink. You know, my life today, that little blonde that I met in that room, you know, that that that meeting who who I put through a lot of cl a lot of crap, she became my wife in September.

You know, I got to do the honest and the right thing. And I'll tell you what, it's been amazing. It's been amazing.

I got to marry my best friend. She understands me, you know. She knows what I'm about today, you know, and and and my son, you know, another another great part of this program is I now have full custody of my son.

And I tell you what, that never would have happened if I was drinking because they decide that, you know, I lived a better life lifestyle than my ex. You know, I' I've tried doing what I could for that woman to make amends to her and offering her many different ways of help, but if she doesn't want to take it, that's not my fault. I offered it, you know, I offered it, you know, and beyond that, you know, I don't know, you know, the one thing I like to do here, and I learned this from a guy named Chris R, you know, it's I I learned it from him and and he's he's a kind of nononsense kind of guy, which I like in his program.

Tells you how it is. You know, he asked, you know, how many people in this room here today showed me by raising your hands, how many people in here ever drank when life was going good? I know I did.

How many people in here drank when life was going pretty bad? How many drank when they had a lot of money? How many people managed to get drunk with no money?

How many people were able to drink when they they had uh uh a pretty girlfriend? I don't know. How many people drink when they're all alone?

So, what does that tell us? It's not those things in our life that's the problem. You're the problem.

You know, we got to take a look at ourselves and realize that none of those things matter. It's not, you know, don't, we're not drinking because life's bad. We're not drinking because of life's good.

We're drinking because we're alcoholic. And we need the 12 steps alcoholics now is miss in our life. And we need to find that spiritual power greater than ourselves in order to get us from there.

And it does tell us in the book that, you know, there are 100 people recovered from alcoholism by working the 12 steps, but you can never stop working them. There's never any there's not a there's not a uh there's not a part in here, a chapter that says stop. It says in action, you know.

Yeah. I love to talk about if if you haven't noticed that that's what I like to do you know um you know but you know this is the last this is actually what I'm going to close with you know I hope the guy if you didn't get anything else it's please remain willing go to a meeting and be honest with somebody you know that's what it is you know page 164 in our big book tells us a couple things you know it says our book is meant to be suggestive only we realize we know only a little God will constantly disclose more to you and to us in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick and the answers will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.

See to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.

Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us as you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny.

May God bless you and keep you until then. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.