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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Hi everybody. My name is Tara Ross and I'm a recovered alcoholic.

>> Hi. I'd uh like to thank Bob for asking me to come and share my experience, strength, and hope with you tonight. And I'd like to thank the connect the dots group for a few things.

A warm welcome. like to thank John for reaching out and getting me here safely. And uh I'd like to thank Eric.

Um it's no coincidence the topic that you kind of picked and you'll hear why. And most of all I would really like to thank the newcomers who got up and stood and got recognized because um I don't have that where I come from. I'm originally from Long Beach, New York, and uh there are a lot of newcomers in New York, and uh there was a lot of work to be done.

I live in Sedona, Arizona now. Not so much. So, I would be lying if I didn't say I was filled with a little bit of envy when you all stood up.

Um and also congratulations to everybody who's celebrating an anniversary. It really does work. Um, so, um, I'm going to just start at the beginning and get to the good stuff, which is, uh, the joy of recovery.

Um, I did not come from an alcoholic household. I didn't see drinking, didn't see drunks. Came from a very, very nice household.

Uh, loving parents provide a very good life for me. I was um, tortured every day at school when I was young. Um, I was the tallest kid in school.

I had no hair on my head and my teeth were black from tetraycling I was given as a baby and um I pretty much got told every day you're ugly, you look like a boy. Why don't you brush your teeth? And um I believe I was born with this illness.

There's not a doubt in my mind. Um I would come home from school and my mom would say, "So, how was school today, Tara?" And I would say, "Fine." There's something wrong with that. Um, I ended up, um, around fourth grade, I think it was.

I was on the bus, somebody stuck a w gum in the little bit of hair I had. I went into some sort of rage out. I don't know.

But when I came to, a couple of boys had bloody noses. Everybody backed away from me. They thought I was crazy and nobody picked on me ever again.

You would think that was good. It was worse. It was worse.

being totally invisible. I wasn't invited to any of the birthday parties. Nobody sat with me in the cafeteria.

Nobody played with me on the playground. That has nothing to do with why I'm an alcoholic, by the way. Um, but I want you to know how I picked up my first drink.

And um, so anyway, I escaped into books. I read incessantly. I wanted the world to go away.

And um I believe if I was living in an alcoholic household, I would have been drinking in grammar school. I just hated my life. And um you know, I also had this thing about me that it was just never enough.

And I wish I could pass around one picture from my childhood album of this little girl at Christmas in front of the Christmas tree with everything a little girl could possibly hope for. I mean, I had the dollhouse, the high heeled shoes you strapped on, the baton, the doll that was as big as me that walked, you know, the bike with the raccoon tail and the bell. And if you looked at me, you just knew if you looked at that picture, it wasn't enough.

It was never enough. So anyway, um when I was 12 years old, I was sitting in gym class and the most popular girl in school. I'm not going to say her name.

I used to, but I'm not going to say it now. The little petite thing that all the boy, you know, all the boys loved her. She was a cheerleader, of course, played the flute.

And uh, you know, I played the viola, but she turned around to me and she said, "Do you want to come over my house after school today and drink beer and smoke pot?" And I'm telling you right now, if she would have said, "A bunch of us are going to stick up a bank. We need a lookout person. Do you want to come?" I would have been there.

God's honest truth. It was the first time anybody asked me to do anything and you bet I was showing up. And um I kind of thought there was a hidden agenda and I didn't really not trust her.

But let me tell you something. I believe that alcohol saved my life. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

I was already thinking of killing myself by that time. And uh the magic happened that first day. There was no thought into what alcohol was going to do to me.

There was no thought as to what you know smoking. I didn't even I had no clue what any what was going to happen to me. But it was magic.

And I do believe it saved my life. Um everything changed from that point on. You know, I started hanging out with the cool kids in school.

Um I started selling pot. You become real popular when you're selling pot. And uh I mean I had a forgery business on the side for kids to get you know notes from getting out of school.

And there were consequences right from jump street. I mean I went from being a straight A perfect attendance student to straight Fs. And from the second semester of 10th grade I was no longer allowed to go to a home room.

I had to sign in with the attendance officer. Mr. Bermudas and I became very good friends over the years because I was truent so much.

And um I ended up uh I was engaged in 12th grade. Insane, I know. Made sense at the time.

And uh to the only boyfriend I ever had. And um you know, I would like to say just cuz I was hanging out with all the popular kids and everything that uh all the damage that was done to my self-esteem was wiped away, but it it really wasn't. And the clearest way of letting you understand that was I caught my first husband cheating on me right like two months before this big big you know wedding and um I married him anyway because I really believed at 19 you're lucky anybody wants you and um so we moved to Long Beach which at that time literally had a bar on every corner.

It's a little barrier reef island that's struggling right now. Um, and I had never drank in a bar. I mean, the drinking age was 18 back then, but I drank at the golf course.

I drank at the sump. I drank at the park or at the beach. I'd never been in a bar in my life.

I moved across the street from two bars. And what I discovered very quickly was that at 4:00 in the morning, a lot of guys are interested in you. So it was basically like what the hell am I doing with this idiot for, you know?

And um alcohol turned me into a woman I never thought I would be. Um I became an unfaithful wife um within a year after being married. And you know, I'd like to say that that was hidden and on the sly, but I'm the kind of drunk that would introduce you to my husband.

I brought him home and put him to bed and then I was making out with somebody at the same bar a half an hour later in public in a very small town painting place. So um it got to that point where there was a lot of shame, there was a lot of degragation as a woman and um you know I'd get on the train to go to work in the morning and I'd stumble off the train by the time I got to Manhattan. They had bar cars then and smoking cars and I'd be in even worse shape coming home and you know I started working in Madison Avenue and you know in a lawyer's office and I was the one that they had in the you know cute little executive clothes greet greeting clients and by the end they had me locked in a back room with my own stereo with the doors closed because I was coming in ripped jeans and combat boots and just out of it and um what ended up happening was Um, I ended up getting divorced.

Haha. No, no kidding. And then I met somebody else in a bar, of course.

And uh married him 6 months later. And uh boy uh the first couple of years of that marriage were was just fullon. He he was an alcoholic and drinking from the time he was eight and his whole family was alcoholic.

So I just thought I I was okay. And um he ended up going away to a rehab in 1986. Uh 1986.

My sober dates August 24th, 1986. He went to a rehab. I didn't know what a rehab was.

I didn't know what Alcoholics Anonymous was. Never heard of it. And um I flew out to Minnesota for family week and saw the Dr.

Martin Chalk Talk videos. And you know, they told me I should go to Alanon. and I went to Alanon and I didn't really relate.

Now, I'm going to tell you that, you know, um God will use whatever he can to get us here. And for the first couple of years of my sobriety, I would share that I came to AA to be a supportive wife to my poor alcoholic husband. I'd come to open AA meetings so I could be supportive.

And the truth of the matter is is my biggest character defect then and today and you know if you live my life it's it's a no-brainer. You know, God bless you and I mean that. Um I um jealousy and insecurity are huge for me.

Uh trust is huge for me. And um so I went to AA to check out the woman that was going to steal my husband from me. God used my biggest character defect to get me in the doors of AA.

And I was delusional about that for a lot of years because I really told myself I, you know, being a good wife. And what ended up happening is I'm coming to these open AA meetings and something's happening. You know, something's just happening and I'm feeling better when I leave the meeting than when I went to the meeting.

And you know, I would share at meetings and I'd introduce myself. Hi, I'm Tara. I'm a concerned person cuz that's what they called us in the rehab.

you know, we were concerned persons and people just roll their eyes, you know, and uh so I had heard about this group conscious thing and I was like um they're like does anybody have anything that they'd like to I'm like oh me me yes Tara you know what can we do for you and I was like well I know that you have these secret AA meetings for people who are real alcoholics like and I know I'm not an alcoholic but I feel better when I come to AA could we take a vote if I can come even though I'm not an alcoholic. And they were like, "Mother of God, here's a meeting list. You can go wherever you want to go.

There's plenty of them. Anyone, anytime here, go. You're welcome here anytime." I mean, I just didn't have a clue.

I didn't have a clue. But like I told you, I was a straight A student for a lot of years. So, I was going to be the good little straight A a person.

And I get a sponsor, I got a sponsor. Get a home group, I got a home group. Got a commitment, I got a commitment.

90 meetings in 90 days. 90 meet sit in the front. I sat in the front.

I I went to sober club meds. I went to AA international conventions. I saw Joe and Charlie.

Didn't get it, but I saw them. And um what ended up happening was um three times in 19 years I was suicidal. The last time I really had a plan and um I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I'm doing everything. How come I'm not happy, joyous, and free? That's a bunch of crap.

I was creating more chaos in my life without a drink in me than I ever did out there, causing more harm. Um, I ended up having this beautiful daughter and um that's really awesome. She's awesome.

And um at 17 years sober, um my husband, who I married that I met in the bar at 6 months, um we were both sober 17 years and we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. And we took my daughter on a cruise with us and went to Disney and it was amazing. And a couple months later, he drowned body surfing during a hurricane in Long Beach.

And um yeah, everything can change in an instant. You know, and the power of God and the power of AA is so amazing. You know, when they say you don't have to ever go through anything alone again, I remember flipping out when I was new that I had to go to motor motor vehicles sober.

I don't know what like motor vehicles is like here and they've come a long way in New New New York. Now you get a little ticket with a number and they have nice benches for you to stand on. But back then you'd wait on a line for 2 hours and they'd tell you you were on the wrong line.

You know, it was I'm like I mean I couldn't even go to the supermarket without getting loaded. You know, I couldn't at the end walk across the street to drink at the bar without having something to walk out the door. You know, it stopped being a choice.

And um so anyway um I didn't have to get through that alone. And I remember you know there have been times when I have felt the presence of God so strongly it's just undeniable and irrefutable. And I will stand here and tell you that the last thing I wanted to be the solution in any way, shape or form in my life was a God of my understanding.

I fought it tooth and nail. Anything but that. Anything.

I mean I was like can we have a group conscience to end with the you know serenity prayer because I learned the our father in catechism and you people are telling me this isn't religious why you know why are we saying the our father I learned the serenity prayer in aa I think we should say that prayer you know like I really was against it but I have felt the power of God and the presence of God many times and when my husband died and I was in the hospital I collapsed on the floor and I I literally felt God holding me I mean I literally felt God holding me And these guttural screams were coming out of me. It sounded like a wounded animal, I remember. And they were trying to shoot me up with tranquilizers.

And I'm like, "Get away." I knew if I went down that rabbit hole, I wasn't coming out. But I felt God hold me and say, "I'm here. I love you.

You're not alone. The people in AA are going to help you through this." And so, you know, I went from the beginning of having somebody volunteer to go to motor vehicles with me, which was really sweet, to having um two women in my life, my sponsor, who was like a surrogate mother, and my daughter called her Jamma, and her aunt Beans, who was my closest friend in New York at the time, had to go tell my daughter that her father died. and they were able to sit in that car and bear witness to this little girl's pain.

And I will never ever forget them for that because they loved her so dearly, you know, and I didn't have to go through any of that alone. I ended up um you know, they'll say you won't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. And that's come true in every single area of my life.

Anything that I regretted before can be used for good today. But I do have a regret that I'm probably going to die with. And that is when my daughter lost her father.

She lost her mother, too. I didn't pick up. But I ran.

I ran to meetings. I ran. I ran.

I ran. I ran. It was like I couldn't bear my pain and her pain.

And she was only nine, you know? So I to this day I can't look at pictures of her at nine because I realize what a baby she was. And she was fending for herself a lot of the time.

I mean, she had friends and family looking after her, but she needed her mom, and her mom wasn't there. And uh that's a really hard one for me. I've made amends to her so many times that she's like, "Mom, enough already.

I forgive you. Will you forgive yourself?" You know, enough with the amends. And right, okay.

You know, so I'm I just I just have to accept it, you know, that it was what it was. And um so anyway um you know everybody said after you get through the first year it'll be okay you know once you get through the first birthday the first anniversary the first Christmas and Valentine's Day and so I was holding on to that for dear life you know and the anniversary of his death passed and nothing happened and I was even worse the second year than I was the first year cuz I was holding on to that so dearly. And then came the mission.

The mission to find the one that was going to fix it. And um Oh god. I was with my first boyfriend at 15, got married at 19, was married, divorced, and remarried by 23, was married for 20 years.

You think there was any dating going on here? No, there was not. Not dating.

I didn't know anything about dating. And I lived in a small barrier island where my husband was a detective at the time. So the whole police department was looking out for the two of us.

So there wasn't a guy around who was going to ask me out. There were a lot of loaded guns in Long Beach. And so you know I tried match.com.

If any of you have had success, God bless you. That was not my experience. So gh I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

So anyway, you know, I became obsessed with this. I I mean obsess you talk about a mental obsession. I would be in Starbucks getting a cup of coffee.

If somebody said, "Could you pass the sugar?" I'd be like, "Is he the one?" You know, like it didn't matter what where I was. It was always And I'm always looking for signs from God. You know, my friend Miriam, we had a moving company, G.

And she said, "Tara, every time you see that truck, it's not a sign from God." You know, I was like gh I was I'd see two seagulls flying together and the third one would join them and I go, "That's it. It's the time." You know, my poor friends. Oh my god.

My poor friends. So anyway, um then something really good happened to me. Although it's not going to sound like it's really good when I tell you what it was, but it was really good at the time.

Um I got involved with this uh guy from AA Now, he actually was a really nice guy with a really big heart and my daughter loved him. One small problem. He started smoking crack.

Now, let me tell you something. I try today not to judge people and it's not from any spiritual place. Anytime I judge something, I end up doing it and I end up having compassion for people who act that way.

I didn't mention that the guy I started dating was a newcomer and I had 19 years of sobriety, which wasn't really sobbriety at all. It was insanity. Um, so I went from uh not having alcohol in my home, not having my daughter ever around anybody who was drunk to having this man smoking crack in my house, in my car.

My daughter saying, "What's wrong with him? Something's wrong with him. He's He's acting funny.

And now my mission was I got to get him sober so that we can live happily ever after. And I'm driving around to crack houses. I mean my sponsor of God have you seven or 18 years at the time sat me down and said Tara if you do not stop this and let me mention when I say about judging people I was the one who when a guy went to go after a newcomer girl in my meeting I stood between him and them and said you want to get to hub buddy you're going to have to go through me first.

I mean, I was like, and here I am doing it. And now my sponsor is like, Jama, you know, who loves my daughter and me, and she's like, if you don't stop this, I can't I can't sponsor you anymore. I I can't I can't do this with you, Tara.

No problem. See you. How I hurt that woman after all she'd done for me for all those years.

But it was it was good. It all works out good in the end because it always does. So, what happened to me was um I'm I'm living this way for a little while and then he says the best thing he ever said to me that changed my life.

He said, "You know, T, I'd never want you to lose your sobriety, but I wonder what it would be like if we got high together." And every hair on my body stood up. My whole body started humming. And I intuitively knew it's this close.

And I had some sanity to think of my daughter at that point. She already lost her father and she's really going to lose her mother. I had been at a fellowship of the conference spirit in New York, which is a big book weekend.

And this woman, Val, had come from Virginia. And as out of my mind as I was, she said something that got through to me. And I asked her for her number.

Didn't call her, but I asked her for her number. But I kept her number. I called my best friend Michelle, who was in Texas at the time, and I'm in New York.

And I told her, "I'm going. I'm going. I know I'm going.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I I know I'm going." God spoke through her and said, "Do you still have that woman Val's number?" And I said, "Yes." She said, "Get it now.

You're going to call her right now." I'm on the cell phone. I go, "All right, I'm going to hang up." She goes, "Do not hang up. Go in the house.

I want to hear you calling her." This woman travels all over speaking. She sponsors I don't know how many women. She's a busy lady.

She picks right up. I don't know if you remember me. I bet you short spot.

So she's like, I remember you, honey. What can I do for you? I'm going to die.

She's like, "What's going on?" I'm like, so I'm like, you know, spilling the whole story out. And she asked me a very peculiar question. I mean, I'm going to die, you understand?

And she says to me, "Have you ever read the big book?" And I'm like, "Have you been listening to me? I'm sober 19 years." Of course, I've been to big book meetings. She goes, "That's not what I asked you." She goes, "Have you gone through the first 164 pages?" I'm like, and in my head I'm like, "What's so special about the first 164 pages?" I didn't even 164 is a very important number to me now.

I recognize it then. I didn't know what she was talking about. And I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Well, what are you willing to do?" And I said, 'I am willing to do anything you ask me to do, anything.

So she said, 'Okay, this is what we're going to do. You're going to call me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at 7 6:00 or 7:00. She got up an hour early for me, and I'm going to read that book to you word for word.

If there's an instruction, are you willing to do it? Yes. If there's a question, are you willing to answer honestly?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

We really do have the power to save lives in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz God worked through that woman to save mine. Those words came so alive to me. The experience I had going through the steps out of the big book has forever changed me.

You know, when I was drinking, I'd go to bed and I'd say, you know, if there is a God, please just let it be over. Please, just just take me. Let it end.

And then I'd wake up in the morning and open my eyes and go, "Oh crap. I can't believe I have to do this again." And I'd curse God for not taking my life. It's really really scary when you're thinking the same thing without a drink in you and you're going to meetings every day.

It's like what else is wrong with me? Something else is wrong with me. Aa doesn't work for me.

So when she asked me if I was willing to do all that, I said under one condition. She said you're starting with conditions already. I said just one.

If I do everything that you tell me to do, everything this book says, cross every tea, dot every eye, and if this doesn't work for me, I'm telling you right now, I'm going to every meeting I've ever been to holding up that book and said, "I did this perfectly and it doesn't work." She said, "We got a deal." Cuz she knew. She knew the truth. The truth is, and how many meetings end?

Keep coming back. It works if you work it. What does that mean?

It works if you work it. I wasn't working the program of recovery that was passed down to us at all. I was working the fellowship.

And I thank God for the people who loved me. They loved on me. They can't transmit what they don't have, you know.

But this woman saved my life. And um what a blow it was to find out that my mind was the problem. I mean really, you know, there's a line in the book that I so identified with, and I can't quote it perfectly.

I'm not a quoter, but it says something like, "We were certain that our intelligence, backed by our willpower, could rightly control our lives or something like that." And that was me. Like, I'm smart and I have more willpower than anybody I know. When I set my mind to something, I get it done.

And it just baffled me that I couldn't be happy. It baffled me. You know, I was so stuck in the beginning on the second step where it say where it says came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I was so fighting the came to believe in the power part that I didn't even see the restore us to sanity part at all. Then all of a sudden, I go, "Wait a minute. Don't you have to be insane to be restored to sanity?

Bingo." Like, I didn't even get it. the problem centered in my mind and what what just kept coming to me over and over and everybody's experience may be different but at the beginning of that book over and over again what I really got was that I was beyond human aid beyond human aid beyond human aid it said so many times in the beginning of the book and guess what my god was what they told me it could be a group of drunks go you people were my higher power well when I realized how sick I was and how powerless I was and that I'm beyond human aid. I'm like, wait a minute.

You're all humans and you can't fix me. Was I willing to turn my will in my life over to God at that point? You bet.

There was no hesitation. There was no question about it. And I had the most amazing third step experience.

She was on the phone with me across the country and I was curled up on the floor in a ball sobbing, sobbing when I made this covenant with God. And it is a covenant, you know, and it's not even about me. Relieve me of the bond of self so I can do your will.

Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, thy way of life. The only reason I'm here is to bear witness. I had many kind of attempts at third step experiences, but it was like boxhole praying.

You know, like when I say I created a lot of chaos out there. I would do things like this to fill that hole in my soul that I know today is a spiritual hole that only God can fill, but I look for everything out there to fill it. One of them was shopping.

Oh, I was good at it. I almost lost my house. I was insane over that.

My electricity is getting shut off. I have a baby at home and I'm showing off my $300 pocketbook. And when people are looking at me in horror, I'm like, "What?

You don't like the color?" Like, I didn't even get it that there was anything wrong. They're like, "Didn't you just have your electric turned off?" I'm like, "Yeah, but it was a great deal. Insane.

Insane what I was doing, you know. So, I would go to God when, you know, it would hit the fan and like, "Oh, God, please. I've tried everything.

Help me with my money." Or I was also a size 24 at one point, tried to eat it away. Oh, God, please help me be thin. I would give God little pieces of me that I couldn't handle at the time.

And I used to say it felt like jumping out of a plane and kind of hoping when I pulled the rip cord that something would happen. But this third step experience that I had, the best way I can describe it is I jumped out of the plane with no parachute at all. And I made a deal with God.

If you can straighten out this messed up mind, I'll spend the rest of my life working for you. My life is no longer my business. Whatever you say, I'll do.

I let go. Absolutely. Immediately started doing a fourth step.

I never saw the need to do a fourth step before this point. I really didn't. I mean, honestly, I already knew I was a thief.

I already knew I was an unfaithful wife. I already knew I was a, you know, procrastinator. Like, what do I really need to find out?

And I tell you, it wasn't like I was hiding my defects from you. Everybody knew all of them. I'm like an open book.

So, what's the point? Well, when you read the book, it makes perfect sense. I just turned my will in my life over to God, and there's a shitload of stuff blocking me from that power.

And I got to find out what's blocking me. And I look at it like a pipe. you know, here's God, here's me, there's this pipe, and it is jammed up with so much stuff.

I need that power. I want that power. I got to get rid of that stuff.

So, I was excited about doing my fourth step. I wasn't afraid. Um, and when it I I was as thoroughly and rigorously honest as I possibly could be.

When it came time to do my fifth step, if Val would have said to me, "Put on your most comfortable sneakers and start walking to Virginia. We got a long talk ahead of us." I would have done it. The gift of desperation.

The gift of desperation. I wish I had a magic wand to hit people with the gift of desperation. You know, I was so desperate.

So, I flew out to Virginia, spent a weekend with her, and uh that was magical. She invited God in and God was right there in the midst of us. And as thorough as I was, God just worked through her to like shine a a a a light on a deeper truth than I would have been able to see on my own.

And what happened was kind of like I can only describe it like that first step experience when you concede to your innermost self that you're a real alcoholic. It's like Well, I knew all those things about myself, but by the time I was done with my fifth step and all those character defects, it was like, you know, like who who wouldn't want to go to God to have him take who I mean, I was like, I wanted God to take him from me immediately. She was so brilliant.

So brilliant. She sent me up to her son's room for that hour cuz we did everything it said. The only thing I didn't do is take a book off the shelf.

I know a lot of people actually find a shelf, put it up there, take it down. I there was no shelf in the room. But um before I went up to the room, she did say to me, "I know there's probably one thing you're not going to want to let go of." And we both knew what it was.

The relationship. And she said to me, "Honey, whether you ask God to remove that or not, I'm gonna love you anyway. It's okay." And I'm sitting here doing a little dance inside going, "Yes, I don't have to let go of the relationship." That almost killed me.

But then she said the best thing ever. She said, "But it says in the book, if there's something you're not willing to let go of, we ask God for the willingness." So, I go up to her son's room and I look at the clock in his room cuz I know an hour is an hour. It's not 59 minutes.

It's not an, you know, 61 minutes. I'm going to be by the book. Cross every tea, dot every eye.

And I went through and I reviewed everything. And I did everything it said. Went through all my first four steps and searched my heart.

And I'm done. I'm good to go. And I look at the clock and I got 10 more minutes to go.

Like 10 more minutes to go. And all of a sudden, her words came into my head. If there's something you're not willing to let go of, you ask God for the willingness.

That instruction, I believed, saved my life because I hit my knees and I said, "God, you know how bad I want this. You know how much I care about this man. He's a good man.

Carly loves him. But if he's not of you, if this is not of you, I'm willing to let it go. Please take this obsession from me.

Please let me be free of it. And immediately I hear from God. You may think I'm crazy, but God talks to me sometimes.

I heard delete every message because you see, I didn't have any voicemails when my husband drowned, and I always regretted that I didn't have something to listen to. So, I saved all the good ones before he picked up the crack, you know, and it and God told me to delete them. And I picked up my phone and sobbing like a baby, I didn't even have to listen to them one more time.

Hey T, delete. Hey babe, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. Until they were all gone.

That saved my life. I was willing to let go of the one thing. God gave me the willingness.

I came downstairs and I shared with my sponsor what my experience was and I said, "I have a question for you, Val." I said, "Why didn't you just tell me that I wasn't allowed to see him when I went back to New York? You know, I would have listened to you. I would have done anything you said.

Why didn't you just tell me that?" And she said, "Who am I to rob you of the one experience that might bring you closer to God?" We quit playing God in our lives and in others. I'll never forget that. I proceeded on, started writing my astep list, started making some amends.

If there's one loophole in the big book for me, and I'm going to say it cuz it's the truth. Ninth step, we will be amazed before we halfway through. I was amazed before I was halfway through.

I still have amends to make. I pray for the willingness for some of them. It hasn't come.

I wish I I wish I could say I checked off everyone on my list. I have not. But I believe I have one of the most powerful ninstep stories I've ever heard.

Remember I told you my first husband cheated on me two months before the wedding and I caught him? Well, obviously I knew who she was. I had hatred and bitterness courarssing through every fiber of my being for this girl.

I blamed her for my marriage breaking up. I blamed her that I became an unfaithful wife. I blamed her for everything.

And I used to pray to a God I didn't believe in. Please do not let her ever cross the street in front of me when I am behind a moving vehicle because I will mow her down and I will spend the rest of my life in jail. I would have.

That's how much I hated this woman. Hateed her. Oh, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about how much I hated her.

So, I got sober in August. My first New Year's Eve, I'm going to an AA sober New Year's Eve dance. And I walk into the door and I just paid my 10 bucks and this gorgeous, beautiful, I didn't think she was that beautiful back then, but she comes up to me and she says, "Tara," and I'm like, "Yeah." She has tears in her eyes.

She goes, "You're the last person on my amends list." She was three years sober, three years younger than me and she was already sober 5 years. She said, "I'm Lisa. I am so sorry for what I did.

I'm an alcoholic. It doesn't excuse it. I know I caused you pain." Let me tell you why face to face amends are important.

Cuz if she would have sent me an email, I would have told her where to go. But I could not deny the sincerity in that woman's eyes for the pain that she caused me and how sincere she was. And she said, "Can I hug you?

We hugged." And every ounce of hatred drained from my body in that instant. I was free. I was free.

Do I feel better after making amends? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But we get to set other people free.

And God is so funny. Oh my god, he's so funny. I'm going to one of those international conventions I was talking about and I'm online at the airport and who's there but Lisa.

She comes over to me and she said, "I'm not doing so good." Really? We start talking. She goes, "Would you be willing to sponsor me?

I need help. I came to love that woman that I despised with every fiber of my being. That's the power of amends.

I love the instructions on pausing throughout the day and paying attention and watching things that might creep up. I love that I wasn't rendered pure as snow as soon as God came in and removed a lot of my character defects because I think if I was rendered pure as snow, there wouldn't be a woman who'd want to even talk to me. It's my humanness and it's the fact that I still struggle with some things and that I turn to God to try and get through them that makes me useful to other people, not my perfection.

So, I have to watch for things. Jealousy, insecurity, I don't have to watch for them. And they were like right in my face.

I'm like, "Really, God? How is this useful to anybody?" Cuz it's certainly not useful to my poor husband. I'll tell you that, you know.

Um, but I watch and I and I review my day and prayer, meditation. Oh my god, how exciting is it? How exciting is it that we get to improve our conscious contact with God?

Like, this isn't as good as it's going to get. One of the principles that made my fourstep list was that pain is the touchstone to spiritual development. I'm like, really?

It's got to be pain, God. Come on, who made this up? Like, why can't I just want to be a good person?

I just want to be generous and giving and loving. Why can't that be enough? It has to be pain.

Well, it always is for me, you know. And now I don't go looking for pain, but when it comes, and I've gone through dark times, even with a loving God in my life, you know, when it comes, I know God's got something really good at the other end for me, cuz he always does. I get to know him better.

I get to know how much he loves me better. And the best step of all. It's watching somebody who's hopeless and broken.

And you don't understand what I've done. You don't understand how I'm living. and to watch the light come on in their eyes and to help them find a God of their own understanding and then to watch them go out and help others.

Oh my God, you know, I used to say, God, why are you keeping me on this planet? I hate my life. I hate my life.

Why are you keeping me on this planet? And today I know why. I'd love newcomers.

It says in how it works, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough. From the very start, we beg. They were begging us.

And I know why. because I wasn't fearless and thorough till 19 years. And how I never picked up, I don't know.

But I came real close to picking up a gun. If you're sitting in here and you've been coming to meetings and you got your commitment and you're sitting there and you're not happy or you're thinking, "What's it all for?" or "I'm different." There's a solution and it's in 164 pages of a book. It still baffles my mind.

I don't know how this works. It makes no sense at all at all. It doesn't.

How does somebody reading a book to me from Virginia? How do we have a psychic change? How do all my How does all my old thinking disappear and new and all new thinking come in?

How do I go from everything being about me and how it's going to affect me to thinking about you? How does that happen? without going under a knife and having somebody digging around in my brain.

I mean, how did that happen? It just does. I swear it works.

I love my life today. I love my life today. I love God so much.

I must have done something right in another life cuz I never did anything that good in this life to deserve the life that I have today. I'll tell you that right now. For me, I think my favorite line in the whole big book is in How It Works because I think this is how much God loves us.

Half measures avail us nothing. Half measures availed me worse than nothing. It was torture.

If half measures availed me half the bells and whistles, I would have settled for half gladly. I like to end with this. I look at it when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.

I came in with an empty plate. nothing spiritually, financially, emotionally, just nothing. And people started loving on me and I got some crumbs on my plate.

And I walked around with that plate for 19 years going, "Look at me. I got crumbs. I really love those crumbs cuz I had nothing when I came here." And God, from the minute I walked in, had a banquet waiting for me, a banquet.

And I'm walking around settling for the crumbs. I eat at that banquet table today. And I know that there's a vianese table down there somewhere.

I'm working my way towards it. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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