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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> All righty, I'm settled now.

I got my water ready. I'm John Kelly. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic.

>> And my sobriety date is September the 4th, 1999. And for that, I'm very, very grateful. And I ain't one of these dudes that walk around go, "Oh, I got me the most beautiful fiance.

I am so grateful. I got me a wonderful job today. I am so grateful.

I got me a beautiful car that I get to drive around in. Look at me. I am so grateful." God don't want to hear that from me.

God wants to see me in action. And what better way for me to show to God my understanding my gratitude than to get off my rear end and take this message to somebody who was dying just like I was. That's how I show God my gratitude.

And I can assure you I didn't show up to AA in 1999 looking like this. I did not. I I heard somebody somebody use a term the other day knuckleheads.

You know, I am a knucklehead of the highest order. And and before I get rolling, let me let me do my little disclaimers here real quick. Um because I will get ramped up here.

Um I I have met the most awesome people here over the weekend. And I I've been to Kansas a couple three times now and what Pratt twice, Salina, and now here. And um one of the guys I sponsor, he's like, "Man," he goes, "You're pretty big.

You're like the David Hasselhoff of Kansas, you know? You're really big in Kansas, man." But um I've met some It was just by, you know, I guess it's a God thing or however you want to look at it. I got to meet Jimmy, Jack last year or the year before last and and and do this big book study and I've met some wonderful wonderful people.

Tom and Dee have taken great care of us this weekend. And if I haven't met you yet, I would like to meet you cuz I mean it's been great. I mean, Texas is known for its hospitality, but but you guys are are doing a darn good job.

And I and I thank you um for having us here and giving us the opportunity to do what we do. And um yeah, when I showed up that LA that t it was a Tuesday was was September the 4th of 99. And um it wasn't my first trip.

I go to Primary Purpose Group in Dallas, Texas. And we sometimes refer to it as home of the Big Book Thumper. And I am one of those.

In case you don't know me or ha haven't heard from Jimmy Jack, I am a big book thumper. you know, and and I have spent prior to 99, I've spent I started trying to get sober in 1988. I've been to hundreds and hundreds of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings all over the state of Texas and Puerto Rico.

We'll get to that in a minute. But, uh, you know, it's just it's it's it's amazing to be anywhere tonight, but it's it's especially amazing to to be able to do to, you know, speak from the podium. And, um, you know, it it always humbles me to to hear guys like Steve and his wife Kelly and and and and mix and mingle with you guys and hear your stories.

And it's just it's just flat out amazing that any of us are here tonight anyway. And it's pretty it's a pretty cool deal. Um my story, you know, I did some drinking.

I did a whole lot of drinking and I held out as long as I could. You know, I'm the first kid, right? There's two sets of twins below me in my family.

I was like the test kid. You know, there twins below me. They my brothers all went to seminary.

My sister married a preacher, right? There's God all up in my family, right? Um, on my dad's side, on the Kelly's side, there's a whole bunch of alcoholics, right?

Um, my my granddad did a lot of drinking. I didn't really get to know him, but he's one of those aftershave drinkers. Anything he could get his hands on, right?

And you just didn't and the you just don't talk about it. Right now, on my side of the family, on my mom's side of the family, there are some alcoholics. I always heard about Uncle Melvin who bled out on the porch, you know?

But, so it's kind of like in Bill's story, despite the warnings warnings and prejudices of my people concerning drink, you know, I I paid it no mind because it didn't really affect me. And you know, I had everything as a kid. It wasn't like I was miss I mean I like Steve was mentioning some of the guys that he sponsored.

I didn't have that life. I had a good life on paper. I looked like I was going to be a pretty standup guy growing up.

You know, I made I made straight A's. I played every sport. I was good at darn near everything I did.

I had the best shoes, the best clothes. From the time that I can remember, everybody's patting me on the behind telling me how great I was going to be. That's how I grew up.

The only odd thing about that was is I had this little voice in my head going, "You're a loser." And guess which one I listened to? And we moved around a lot. My my dad left me and my mom when I was real little and um and and I the legend has it is my granddaddy were from I was in love.

I was born in Lach, Texas, and my granddaddy ran my my dad off is what I heard. You know, you don't treat his little baby that way, right? And um anyway, I don't know the full story, but anyway, he left us and my mom got remarried.

We had all the twins and and did all that good stuff. We moved around quite a bit. Moved from Loveook to St.

Angelo to Dallas to, you know, and it would be like soon as I would get settled in somewhere, we'd move. And I and I can always remember growing up and I was so painfully shot. So sensitive.

So it just it was it was painful being me cuz if I walked into a class or I can remember having to give a report in elementary or junior high and have to stand in front of the class and it would I mean I'd be like vomiting before class. It was so horrible. And my mama called I was self-conscious.

you know, you're just very I was self something but selfish, but and that's just the way I grew up. And I remember we moved off to Miami, Florida. I'm playing tennis.

I was trying to get ranked in the state of tennis. I was pretty darn good at it. And I go off to this high dollar tennis camp, right?

And I stay for two weeks and they they they gave me like a little scholarship or whatnot. It's probably just another way to get my grease, you know, get my parents some more money. So, they gave me another week or two or whatever.

And we have a little layover for the weekend, right? And it's me and this other little boy. We're 15 years old, right?

And there's three girls that are in the same position as us. And they're 18. And they and and all the Australian guys that run the tennis camp, they showed us around the town and did all this stuff that we didn't get to do while we were practicing everything.

And we had a free night before the next round of people came in. And I remember we were all sitting around and and and the girls decided it would be a good idea to drink beer that night. Now, there's no alcohol in my family.

I have no experience really seeing people get drunk or anything. And I don't know where this came from, but I immediately stepped up to the plate and said, "Me and Peter will get the beer." Right? We figured out where the store was and me, we don't have a car.

We ran. We're in good shape. And we ran.

And we ran like the three miles to this little store and I got got a case of beer and put it up on the counter of this convenience store. And the guy looked at me like my head's on fire. Like we, you know, you got to be like 21 to buy beer or whatever.

And I looked at him and I said, "Excuse me, I'm at Harry Hoffman tennis camp. We got three little hotties back at the at the at the camp there and they need some beer." And he said, "Meet me out back." And we went out back. I gave them the money and we got our case of Budweiser and we ran it all the way back to this tennis camp.

And we got it on ice and we waited for the girls to come to our room and it was awesome, man. And I didn't like the taste of Budweiser. started sipping, you know, monkey see monkey do, you know, and I'm I'm drinking the beers and I don't know if it was the first beer or the second beer or the third beer, but one of those beers, suddenly I had arrived.

That little voice in my head that called me a loser was no more. All of a sudden, all the little dots were connected. All of a sudden, I had answers to questions that hadn't even been posed yet.

I was hip, slick, and cool, and those chicks wanted me. You know what I'm saying? It was great.

The last thing I remember that night is seeing a little pair of 18-year-old boobies and that was it, man. A pattern was set. I woke up the next day.

I felt pretty rotten. The the the guys that ran the camp found out that we drank beer and they ran us in that beach sand. Oh, they ran, "Run, you little Run, run, run." You know, in their little Australian accent, and they ran us ragged.

And I I didn't do it for a while, but I couldn't wait to do it again. And that's how I started. I got zero experience drinking like a normal person.

I drink, I get drunk. That's what happens, right? But early on, I'm not like some of you stories.

For from 15 until like 25, I got zero consequences. I was good at it. I could drink.

I could drink all night long. You know, I remember being 17, 18, 19, going off to college and getting like two hours of sleep, roll out of bed, shake the cobwebs off, go make my classes, and do it all over again. Day in day out.

My sainted mother's getting on my behind. You don't want to be like your daddy. You're growing up to be just like your daddy.

Remember going to my first counselor. I'm like 19. They're asking me all, you know, they ask you all these questions about how much you drink and how much and I'm lying through my teeth and I still come off an alcoholic then, you know, y'all.

I don't know if they had them here, but back in Texas, like in the 80s and stuff, they had these treatment centers, right? And they they had all these they had all these commercials and they'd run all the time. And at the end of the commercials, they would run these questions, you know, if you have a problem, you know, and they ask you these questions.

And I'm in college and I'm looking at the TV lying to the television and I still come up an alcoholic. No, I don't drink alone. No, I never.

No, no, no. And I still But I didn't have any consequences. You know, if I pissed off some friends, so be it.

If a girl broke up with me, so be it. If I didn't do too well, I went to a lot of colleges, you know. I was going to go to UT.

I was my my my dream growing up as a little boy was to go to University of Texas, go to law school, be like my uncle Pat, join his law firm, and be retired by the time I'm like 45. That was my dream. And I get accepted to to University of Texas.

And before I even go off to the University of Texas, I have a wild hair. I'm going to go to California. And I go to California.

that doesn't suit me. And I moved back to Texas, go to Baylor, stay at Baylor for about six months. I'm like, "This sucks." You know, I didn't know what it Now looking back, I know exactly what that was.

That's that little malady going on cuz they because I'm always looking for something out there to fix something in here. I didn't know that at the time. I'm just looking for something out there, you or this or this substance or that substance to fix what's going on inside here.

But I didn't know that at the time. So I just go from college to college to college. You know, consequences start to pile up.

You know, now I'm now I am losing some friends. Now I'm not doing so great in school. Now my parents are yapping at me.

You know, now I'm starting to piss some people off. And I had a little girlfriend at the time and now she's kind of getting on me. And I don't know what possessed me.

I think I just got backed into her corner. And I remember I think I was like 25 years old and and I'm kind of backed into a corner. I hadn't been to jail yet or anything like that, but it was like maybe I should go to treatment.

And I called my sainted mother and I said, you know, I think I have a problem with alcohol. And you'd have thought I won the lottery, you know? Oh, come over.

Come to the house. Come to the house. And mom's making all the calls.

Gets me into a treatment center. And it's one of those nice ones, you know what I'm saying? I mean, you know, it was co-ed.

They had basketball courts and swimming pools. The chicks still all had their teeth. You know, it was a good one.

You know, that ain't where I ended up, but that's that's where I went. Right. And and and and I I didn't know what it meant to be an alcoholic.

I remember they go in, they put you in, they give you volumes or whatever they do to let you come down and and all this stuff. And it was my first day out of my scrubs. And my roommate, that was his day to tell his story in the little group.

And I'm 25 and he was in his 40s. And he gets up and he tells his story, right? And I'm thinking, man, this guy really needs this stuff, you know?

I mean, he had a pretty bad story, you know? I mean, been to jail, done this, lost jobs, lost all this stuff. And I'm thinking, man, that's horrible.

If I'm ever that bad, I'll stop. Right? But I had no idea that.

Fast forward 11 years. My story made his look like a walk in the park when I got done. But back then, I got me a little sponsor like they told me to do and I started going to this group in North Dallas where all the beautiful people go and that it was great, man.

You'd see guys like with Armani suits on and they had beautiful wives drove nice cars and you hear and now I'm confronted with a problem. They're all discussion meetings. And the chairperson at these meetings pick somebody out to say something.

And I would be in these meetings and I would try to sit somewhere where the guy couldn't see me or the gal couldn't see me cuz it would I'm going to vomit cuz a I don't I don't know what it means to be an alcoholic. I don't have no idea what I don't even have a big book. And they're going to call me to say I lasted like 30 or 60 days and I'm gone and I got to do my own thing.

And I moderated for a while. did my own thing, got a really good job, I got an awesome opportunity, right? And I started out this little this this restaurant chain.

I started out as an a waiter and I became head waiter and a bartender and all of a sudden I get bumped into management and I'm doing some great things. I mean, I'm getting ready to go up into the corporate level and travel the world and do all these great things except I got one little problem. I can't stop drinking.

And I hang around with some knucklehead. I hang around with some crazy people and it seems like they do the same things I do, but I guess at 2 or 3 in the morning and they go home, they go to bed or something. I can't seem to pull that off cuz I got to keep drinking.

You know, I'm I'm the kind of guy that when I come to in the middle of the night and I got to go to the bathroom or whatever, I got to drink a whole lot to get me to go back to sleep because I can't go back to sleep. And now this is and now I can't keep that job. And I love that job.

I love those people. And I remember they made me sweat it out to I blew I blew a an opportunity to to pres make a presentation to an all employee thing. And I I won't go into the story here, but needless to say, I I rolled in after having no sleep.

I smelt like those bars with the girls dance. You know what I'm saying? And booze just pouring out of me.

and I don't get to make the presentation. And they made me work that shift and said, "See me in the office Monday morning." And I the writing was on the wall. You know what I'm saying?

And I had every intention of going in that Monday morning and to look at my boss in the eye cuz we really liked each other. I I wanted to tell them, "Hey, I'm an alcoholic or I think I'm in trouble. I need some help." And they would have shipped me off anywhere.

You know, Bill talks about that old fierce determination to win. Man, by the time Monday morning rolled around because I had to drink that night. By the time Monday morning rolled around, you know what my attitude was?

Screw you. I will prove to you that I am somebody. You can have your keys and you can have your little company.

I'm going to go do my thing. And I said, I ain't drinking. And I gave him my keys and I walked out and I remember I'd only lived a couple miles from that place in Dallas.

And I remember crying all the way home. And I thought of, man, maybe I should go out to love and hang with my grandparents cuz they'll never, you know, I'm the king, you know. And I said, no, you got to buckle down and do this, right?

And I stop drinking. And my pattern is is I stop drinking. I start doing push-ups and running like 10 miles a day.

I'm reading Tony Robbins books. I got some stuff. I got some Tai Chi going on.

I got it all going on, man. I am going to pull this off. I somehow made a made a decision.

I made I was going to get my own little restaurant going. Everything is lined up. I mean, everything is lined up.

I got investors lined up. I've got a little It's all lined. I got a high dollar attorney.

It is all going down. I got a had a beautiful girlfriend at the time. Not a cloud on the horizon.

Two days before I signed on the dotted line, the thought crossed my mind that a couple of shots of Sambuka would be really good while I'm doing this business plan. And I went over to the freezer and poured a couple of shots. And that went so well I finished off the bottle.

The guys from the liquor store, they knew me by name and they brought me some more booze on their way home after they closed. Three or four or five days went by in a total blackout. I didn't get the restaurant.

I pissed off everybody I know. And the next thing you know, I'm in San Juan, Puerto Rico, because I need to get away from Dallas. You know, there there's some problems going on in Dallas, you know, and I don't know a soul.

I know one person when I get off that plane. And um I mean this guy was like this guy was like a brother to me. We went to college together.

We drank together. We fought together. We did everything together.

And I mean I would I would have thought back then that we would be together today. And and I got there. I got nothing to keep me in check.

I don't got to be nowhere. I don't have to do anything. And it was on.

I am pissed off at the world. I am pissed off at Dallas. I hate everything and everybody.

And rum is very, very cheap in San Juan, Puerto Rico. And outside issues that they bring over from Peru and Bolivia, very, very, very cheap. I have my driver's license and an ATM card and that's all I needed.

And I'm drinking like two bottles of rum a day. and I don't give a rat's patootuti what you think. And my best friend basically gets to watch me try to drink myself to death.

And I remember he was pretty ticked off at me and I um and um he was going out of town with his girlfriend at the time and I said, "You know what? When you guys get back from St. Thomas, I'll be sober cuz I can't do this anymore." Cuz I I was starting beyond the shakes in the morning.

I was starting to It was starting to get really sketchy, you know. So I told him, "When you come back in a week, I'll be cool." And I kicked. It was on a Sunday.

I stopped and it was ugly. Monday, hell, could barely walk. If I took a drink of water, it came back up.

It was bad, bad, bad. Tuesday, I got to drink some juice and some mangoes and stuff. You know what I'm saying?

I'm feeling a little bit better. Wednesday was great. Got some solid food in me.

Plenty of Gatorade. Sitting around that apartment that night. You can hear the ocean, the waves crashing on the ocean.

Got a little music going, probably some incense if I know me. Just nice. And all of a sudden, I could hear the people upstairs talking.

They were talking about me and those voices got a little bit louder and a little bit louder and now some music started going on and I couldn't quite put my finger on where the music was coming in and it was getting louder and louder and the voices kept yelling at me and telling me what to do and it was for three days I go into DTS. I had friends at the time. They saw me walking the stumbling around San Juan with a butcher knife, mumbling to myself.

I get to aa that night, that Saturday night, I called the group. I had a little bit of lucidity and I called this group and they they told me where the meeting was and I it was just an easy bus ride from where I lived. And I get there, it's called the Serenity Club in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

And I felt like hell. I looked like hell. And I walk in and these people came up and they gave me hugs.

And I met this guy. Excuse me. Melanie doesn't cry.

I cry. I'm the crier in the family. But I met this guy, Andy Aante, and he's he's passed away.

But God, he took me under his wing, and he was like he was like the first person I saw in Alcoholics Anonymous who got it. I mean, you could tell by looking at him. I mean, he had the little sparkle in his eye.

You could just feel the power. You know what I'm saying? And he took me under his wing and he kind of nursed me back to health and and he put me on a little program.

We're going to read this. We're going to be here. We're going to do this and go this.

And I got a little bit of hope, you know, and I'm calling back to Texas and my mama's got some hope and my best friend Hunter's got some hope and he's they're starting to see some changes. And I'm walking to a meeting to get a 30-day chip. These guys are gonna take me to dinner that night.

I mean, I think they had a bet he ain't gonna make it 30 days and somebody was gonna pay up that night. I don't know. But not a cloud on the horizon.

Another day, all I got to do is go to this little meeting and I'm walking through the streets of San Juan and I hear this Mida JK and it's two girls I knew. They were sitting on a little outside patio and I started to talk and the next thing you know I'm drunk and I don't know how it happened. I didn't think about it and I didn't stay sober the rest of the time.

And it got a whole lot worse. A whole lot worse. My mama had to send my buddy money.

She didn't trust me with the money. Go figure. But um she had to send him money to get me on a flight with just she just talked to me on the phone and she said just please don't get drunk on the flight.

What are you gonna do on a flight back? They poured me off the plane. And now I'm 30some years old.

I'm living in with my mama, driving her car, spending her money, going to a little outpatient thing in Denton. And I meet another guy who's on fire with this deal. And he takes me under his wing.

And I start to read what's in this book and see what you guys do. And I start to get a little hope and start to my life starts to change, you know, got a little job. It wasn't nothing special, but I got a little job.

I got a little walking around money. I got Debbie and everybody wanted Debbie and I got Debbie and my life is good until that Christmas and Debbie broke up and I hadn't done nothing in aa with the exception of that first 45 days that I was in there in this stuff listening to what you guys say working through these steps that next three or four months didn't do a damn thing. See, I'm like the guy.

I get the Holy Trinity. The job, the car, or the girl. I'm all right.

What else do I need? I got the job, the car, or the girl. What What do I need?

Why do I need you? I've been making too hard of work out of such a simple matter. You know, I got everything under control until she didn't want to play ball no more.

My mom was out of town for a couple of days. She came home on Christmas Eve and I'm blacked out drunk and there's guys from AA in her house. And that was the first of the next three Christmases in a row that I was too drunk to attend.

And my family loved me to death. You know, I remember they they would call me to invite me to my my mom's house for the weekend and stuff and my my brothers are gone off and they've married and everybody's going to be at my mom's house and they're going to cook burgers and do all this stuff and I would get the call and I'd be hung over and I remember hanging up the phone and I would just hate them. And I didn't really hate them.

It's just they were doing something that I couldn't do. And so my reaction is to keep on drinking on top of that, to withdraw further and further. Now I'm not going to the good treatment centers anymore.

I'm going to the state-run treatment centers. I do a do a little stretch in this place called Homer Bound. I did 90 days.

I'm the first guy that made it through their 90-day program. The director of that place, we still talk every once in a while. He would have bet his right one that I'd never drink again.

I was like a model patient. Went out instead of having my mama bail me out this time, I who think so highly of myself will humble myself and go to a halfway house. I was the only one at the halfway house who got a job, who had a sponsor.

They're all bitching about the sad state of the nation. And I'm getting up at 5:00 a.m. to catch the bus to the train to another bus to get to this job to work all day to catch the bus to the train to the bus to get back to the halfway house, get a shower, try to make it to a meeting via another bus.

And that made it about 30 to 45 days after that. It was a beautiful spring day. I got a couple grand in the bank.

I ain't ducking nobody. Got this sponsor who's holding me accountable the best he can for the limited contact that we got. I decided that all my problems would be solved if I got out of that halfway house and moved to a little more convenient part of town.

And on that bright clear Sunday morning, I walked out of that house with my little backpack and I start looking for an apartment. I run across a buddy that used to work for me at Hard Rock Cafe and we started talking after he was got over the shock of me actually being alive. We chatted a little bit and he walked up to me and afterwards there's a little tap on my shoulder and he had a beer and a shadow rumplemen.

Didn't even think about it. Thank you. And I did 10 or 12 or more of those there.

I went down to another bar that I knew the owners of and I did a whole bunch more there. I went to another bar and did a whole bunch more there. And the next thing you know, I came to in Parkland Hospital handcuffed to a bed with a felony possession, a PI, and kicking a cop in the chest.

He was trying to pull me out of a taxi cab. And I was just out looking for an apartment. And I prayed in that jail all day long.

God, if you'll get me out of this, I'll call my sponsor back. I will go to AA again. I will get the best best attorney money can buy.

Nobody has to know. I will beat this thing. You just get me out of jail in one piece and I will do the right thing.

And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And when I got bonded out on that Monday evening, it was 8:45 and the liquor stores closed at 9:00 and I ran across the street and got a bottle of vodka. And I can assure you I didn't look at that salesman and say, you know, I just got a felony possession, a PI, and kicking a cop.

I'll have another bottle of that stuff, please. But I needed it. I got to drink.

I drink no matter what. The most powerful desire for me not to drink. It was absolutely no avail.

I cannot tell you how many days that I came to crying, God, please do not let this happen again. I cannot faking it. cannot do it.

And at 10:00 a.m. I'm at the liquor store cuz I got to drink. I got to drink.

And my family I remember at somewhere in this stretch I I I was I was supposedly sober, right? And my mom found out that my if I take a drink here tonight, my mama knows, right? And so I'm talking to her on the phone, right?

She knows I've been drinking. She starts crying and she's like, "John," she goes, "I love you to death. You're my baby.

We grew up together. But if you got to keep on drinking, you got to do it without us. Click.

Unbeknownst to me, some little Alanon lady got to hold my mama. And boy, I was pissed. And I did some drinking.

I did some drinking. And I didn't care. I didn't care cuz I I I couldn't stay sober.

I I end up at that treatment center again and I almost died in their detox. I ran into the nurse, one of my nurses the other day. But anyway, almost died in their detox.

They g they shot me full of how doll in my body. I guess don't like how doll and I damn near died. And they nursed me back to health.

And I remember it was a Friday night. I got that out of van shuffle going on in in addition to the shakes and stuff. And I'm walking outside.

I can barely freaking move. And we get down. They're they're shuffling me.

They're moving me out of detox to the regular patients, right? And I'm following these guys around and I can barely move and they're helping me along and we get downstairs and everybody's smoking and everything. And by the time somebody lights a cigarette, they're like, "All right, man.

Back upstairs." I'm like, "Oh no." You know, and so now they're helping me back into the elevator and they're like, "We got group, right? It's Friday at 8 o'clock." And I'm like, I look at this guy, Kurt. I'm like, "What kind of group do you have on Friday night at 8:00?" And he says, "We got Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I was like, great, great. I've been to a thousand IAA meetings. I've done 90 and 90.

I've done 270 meetings in 90 days. I went to the noon, the 6, the 8, day 91. I am looking for a tall building and a rifle.

I'm taking some folks out. Keep You just didn't want it enough. You keep coming back, Buckaroo.

I kept coming back. My old home group, they didn't even clap when I got desire chips anymore. They just shook their head going like, "Oh my god." So, here I am.

We go into this little treatment center and they got this little AA meeting and I got zero hope. All right, cuz I've been to AA. I think it's full of crap at this stage of the game.

And I got this little guy with this gray beard gets up and he starts frothing out. He's got like a little AA big book out. And this guy gets up.

His name is Myers Ramer. And he gets up and starts just blowing the place up. And he's got my attention, man.

I don't have any idea what he's saying, but it just sounds good, right? And then he passes the passes the, you know, the podium thing down to this little old man. And this guy is like 80 freaking years old, right?

Little short guy. Mean, mean, mean. And he gets up.

The old man don't even open his book, right? Turn the Roman numeral 22 just going to blows my mind on alcoholism. He explains the allergy to alcohol.

He explains the mental obsession. He goes on and I ain't never heard this stuff before. And he's got my little freaking attention, right?

And my buddy at the treatment center that I that I just met, he's like, "Hey, that guy, that old guy, well, that's my sponsor over there. His sponsor is that old guy." I'm like, "Wow." So, I start talking to this cat and now I'm getting fired up, right? So this guy Matthew becomes my sponsor, right?

And we're like primary purpose. We start working the steps while I'm in treatment center. Man, I got hope.

You could just It's like you my whole outlook on life changed, right? I'm hearing stuff doing stuff that I never even done before, right? And I get out of that treatment center, started going to primary purpose group, right?

And there's about 30 people at the time, right? And I'm going in, you know, and they're like doing all their big book study and doing all this stuff and I'm trying to get it, right? But I got one little issue, man.

I got My issue is is I am so far in the freaking hole. I got like thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. There ain't no soul on the planet who loves me, right?

I don't have this girlfriend back. I got a piece of crap car and it's just weighing on me because I think very very highly of myself. You know what I'm saying?

And it's weighing on me and I'm trying. They're trying to tell me the message is outlined in this book. They are doing their best.

There's nothing wrong with what they're presenting me, but I can't see the forest for the trees cuz I am so locked in on myself. And I make it another 30 or so days. And I remember it was a Thursday night.

We meet at 7:30, right? And I walk in and I see my sponsor, Matthew. He's like, "How you doing?" And here's my mo.

I'm doing fine. Doing fine. Doing great.

I'm actually Matthew after the meeting tonight I'm going to go out to Rock Wall and make amends to an old girlfriend of mine. He's like, "Wow." We talked about that. He remembered it for my fourth step and all this stuff, my fifth step.

That sounds like a great plan. And I'm doing the deal. And I sit there through the meeting and I sit there and sit there and sit there and by the time the meeting is over, we say the Lord's Prayer.

I put up a couple of chairs and I walk quietly out of the door and I go to the liquor store before it closes at 9:00. And I ain't messing around with no stinking pints. I'm getting the 1.75 of Skull Vodka.

And I'm popping out that little governor they got in the top. And I'm doing some drinking. And that's the last they saw me like nine months.

And I don't give a damn. I don't care that I did. I missed Christmas.

I don't I got this little piece of crap job that I'm hanging on. The boss took pity on me. He didn't fire me.

And I never showed up on Monday. They didn't even put me on the schedule. Tuesdays was like a 50/50 deal.

You know, somehow I don't know how I did it cuz I'm drinking every day. I can't. Booze is pouring out of my pores, right?

If if if you're in line behind me at Tom Throcto, right? And you start whispering to somebody, I immediately think that you can smell the booze on me and you're talking to it's just a miserable existence, right? And I cannot not drink.

and I'm trying to go to this other AA group and I'm getting a desire chip and they all scatter and and it's just it's a painful existence and I called in I overshoot the mark on a weekend and I call in sick on Monday and I try desperately not to drink that day but I got to drink that day and I overshoot the mark again. I got to call in sick on Tuesday and I try to do it again. Just drink just a little bit but I just drink a little and I can't do it and I got to call in sick on Wednesday and now my boss is pissed off.

And I just moved into this little this little dinky little garage guest apartment deal. I don't have any furniture. I got an old sofa and a little radio to where I can listen to the ticket sports radio, you know, and that's all I got.

And some clothes and my boss is jumping up my butt and I'm thinking, you know what? Screw you. Called him and the owners every name I could think of.

I don't need you. I don't want you. I don't need you know what you can do with your job.

Goodbye. Boom. And I threw my phone down and I remember hitting my knees and just balling.

Just balling. And I'm like, God, I can't take this anymore. Maybe I'm just one of these people who are going to have to die drunk so others that may be helped, you know, and so I ain't mad at you, God.

just let me freaking die. And for the rest of that summer of 1999, the only time I left that apartment was to get more booze. And I'd go down to the liquor store and I'd get as many of those plastic bottles of vodka as I could carry.

And I'd get them back to my house and I wouldn't drink on the way. I'd get back to my house and I would lock the door, start popping the governors out, and I would drink and drink. And I ain't cutting it with OJ.

It comes in a glass. It comes in its own bottle. And I'm drinking because I know I've been so close to dying of alcohol poison.

I know I'm like right on the edge. I can feel it. And I am drinking.

And I am drinking and I'm puking up blood. I'm doing all that great groovy fun stuff. And I keep coming too.

And I remember it was the Friday of Labor Day weekend 99. And I come to and I got blood all over me. And I hadn't been stabbed.

I got vodka bottles everywhere. My house smells like someone died and that was me. And I kind of shake the cobwebs off and here I am.

And I'm like crying. I'm like, "Good God, you can't even die." And I remember calling that AA guy back. Hey, John, you want to go to Homer Bound tonight?

And I'm like, "Oh, no. No." I told him my condition. And I guess I called one of my brothers and my brother comes to get me.

and he's he was getting his master's degree at the seminary. And um I don't know if y'all are the oldest or not, but my I'm the oldest, you know, like I said, and and you know, my brothers and sisters, they all kind of looked up to me growing up. They went to my tennis tournaments, they went to my football games, I was they when I had my skateboard ramps, I mean, they they always looked up to me.

And here comes my brother Joel, who doesn't drink, doesn't do any of the crazy stuff that I do. And here he comes and he gets to see his big brother who he looked up to his whole life. And I'm like 40 lbs underweight.

I smell like I've died. And that's what he gets to walk in on. Pathetic.

I am unlovable, unh wholesome. He tries to get me to go to Parkland Hospital. I'm like, "Buddy, long story.

They do not want to see me at Parkland." You know, he's like, "Well, what do we And I said, I just going to have to shake it out and just check on me and make sure I'm not going into seizures cuz I've had those before. And he took me back to Fort Worth. I live like right now I live about a half mile where I detox that last time.

And he puts me in this little back room and I rode that thing out and it was ugly. My brain is screaming for a drink. My brain is screaming to make a break for it and get some booze.

I can barely move. I can barely talk. And that was my Labor Day in 1999.

I Tuesday rolls around over that weekend. That little job that I treated so poorly, they called me back and they said, "Hey, we got a project. We don't like the way you treated us.

You're the only one who can do this project. We would like you to come back while the owners are in Europe. We would like you to come back, do this project.

We'll pay you in cash and then we want you to leave. and I need the money. So I said, "Okay." And I had made a commitment with my family that I was going to go back to Primary Purpose Group that night.

And um my guy Matthew called me a couple times during that day. And he asked me how I was doing. I told him, gave him the rundown.

Oh, I feel like hell, Matthew. I feel like hell. It's like 5:00.

His wife's going into labor. He's like, "Hey, I ain't going to make it tonight." And he says, "What are you going to do?" I said, "Well, I'm going to go to me. I'm going to go home and I'm going to change and I'm going to go to the meeting.

He says, "Don't do that. Go get you something to eat. Get to the meeting early or whatever.

Just go straight to the meeting and then when you get there, talk to Cliff." And I was like, "Great." The old man. And so I make it to this meeting and the first guy that I see is this little old man. And I'm pouring out booze.

I'm vibrating. I'm shaking. I'm trying to be a tough guy.

and trying not to just lose it all over everybody. And he sees me and he makes a beline to the door where I'm standing. And he comes up and he gives me a hug.

And now, of course, I start to cry and everything. And and I finally stopped and I said, "Cliff, I need to talk to you." And he kind of looks at me over the top of his glasses. You know, like how your grandpa does when he means business.

What the hell can I do for you? And I'm like, I don't want to die drunk. And he said, come on.

And he took me back into this room before the meeting started in this church, right? And he sat me down. And in like 10, 15 minutes, I don't know how long it was, but in like that short amount of time, he blew my mind on alcoholism.

It was masterful. It was great. He outlined the problem of alcoholism.

He told me some stories about himself. He asked me some questions about me. He painted the picture of what a real alcoholic alcoholic is.

He got me right where he wanted me and then asked me, "Are you the real alcoholic?" Yes, sir, I am. You're screwed. And he didn't use that word.

I'll let you paint the picture. He didn't do it to shock me. He didn't do it to scare me.

But that was the freaking truth. Left him on device. Says, "I am going to drink myself to death." He looked at me.

He says, "You're the real alcoholic. You're going to die drunk. Look at you." And it was like the first time in my life that it sunk home that I am one of you and I don't want to die drunk.

And he said, "Do you believe it works for me?" And I'm like, "I know it works for you." He says, "Well, you think it works for Myers and for Tom and for Jimmy Jack?" And I said, "Well, yeah, I know it work." He goes, "You're damn right it does. If it didn't work, they'd be playing bingo in this church tonight. How well is your way working?" And I said, "It ain't." He says, 'What do you have to lose except your life?

And that's when he dropped the bomb on me. I am now your sponsor. And I was like, that was one of those OS moments.

He says, I'm now your sponsor, and you're going to read what I tell you to read. You're going to go where I tell you to go. You're going to do what I tell you to do.

And the minute you b, go away. do not waste my time. There's 1,500 groups in Dallas right now, 1500 meetings a week.

Go find one that'll do it your way. And I was like, "Okay." He didn't ask me about God. He He asked me if I had God stuck sideways in my car.

I said, "No, we're cool with that." He says, "All right." He goes, "I want you to get home tonight. I want you to get cleaned up. When you get home tonight, I want you to take a take a run through Bill's story.

I'm sure you probably read it before." before. He goes, "But when you read it tonight, I want you to underline where you relate to how Bill feels. And if that goes really well for you, I want you to flip back a few pages and go through that doctor's opinion." All right?

And he goes, "Before you go to bed, I want you to look at your ceiling and tell whatever it is, tell your ceiling, thank you that you got another shot at this deal. Thank you that you made it to somewhere where the lights are on." I said, "Okay." And I went out to the big meeting. I got my last desire chip.

Desire chip number 38 or so for me. I fell to pieces when I got it. And I sat down, listened to the meeting.

I had no idea what they said. I went home. I got to call my saint and mother.

And I call her and I say, she goes, "Did you go to the meeting?" I said, "Yes, I made it to the meeting." And she knew my other sponsor. She goes, "Well, was Matthew there?" And I said, "No, he wasn't there." And I could feel it over the phone. Her heart dropped.

And I said, "It's okay, mama. It's okay." I said, 'His wife is having a baby and I I have another sponsor tonight. And she says,"Well, who's your sponsor?" And I said, 'Cliff Bishop.' And she started crying.

I said, "Why are you crying?" And she said, "Cuz I've been praying." And I said, "Well, I'm kind of scared of the old guy. I got some reading to do and I got to say a prayer to my ceiling. Don't ask.

I'll I'll keep you posted." Right? And I get cleaned up and I read the stuff and I remember looking at my ceiling and tell God, "Thank you." Right? And I lay down on this filthy sofa that I got and I got to go to bed and I get this feeling and I don't know where it came from but I get this feeling.

I get this thought in my head. You don't ever have to drink again. I don't know where that came from.

Okay. But imagine my surprise two days later when on a Thursday night we're in my big book study and we're on page 46 of the big book. Right?

And right in the middle of the page 46, it says something pretty interesting. It says, "Our own conception, however, when no." It says, "We found as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves, here's the promise. We commence to get results even though it's impossible for us to fully define or comprehend that power, which is God." And I look at my buddy Curtain.

I'm like, "Dude, check that out. That happened. I'm hooked.

I'm hooked. From that day, that happened. You can't You can't pry a big book out of my hand.

Everywhere I go, I got a big book. My sponsor told me to call him. I call him.

He told me to call him at 8:00 in the morning. That means 8:00 in the morning. I call him at 8.

He tells me where he's going to be that night. My job is to be there. He don't even talk to me when I show up, right?

My job is to be there, right? He tells me on that third that first Thursday night meeting, he goes, "You come in the meeting tonight?" I said, "Yes, sir." He says, "Great. I need you to go to Salvation Army.

I need you to pick up Manny, Mo, and Jack. Get him to the meeting. Get them back before curfew." Click.

Didn't ask if I had time. Didn't ask if that fit into my all-encompassing schedule. He said, "Do." I did.

Got those guys to the meeting. Got him back home. That weekend, four days sober, five days sober.

I go to that old man's house. We sit down. We go over all this stuff again.

We want to make sure we've we've uncovered everything that I know the truth about step one. I know the truth. I got some hope in step two.

Didn't even talk about God. Didn't get into some grand theological discussion about all the entities. No, I'm screwed in step one.

I hope in step two. I'm screwed. I hope what work for you will work for me.

I'm ready to do step three. He said, "Follow me." We get in. He said, "We're going to a prayer bench." It was a coffee table.

I picked my battles. I didn't say anything. Got on my knees.

The pages open to page 63. I'd always done a third set prayer just right out of the book, right? He says, "Before we get going, I'm going to say a prayer.

Make sure God's with us and you can do your third step prayer." So, I bowed my hands. I'm still shaking from the booze. And the old man starts to pray.

And I got no idea what he says cuz I'm praying my rear off in my head. And he leans over and he says, "I need to hear what you're saying to God." And this is what I said. I said, "God, I've tried to get sober since 1988, and I'm scared, and I don't want to die drunk.

Please give me the willingness to do whatever I got to do to get what's in this book." Amen. He said, "Stand up." I thought I screwed up, you know. He gave me a hug.

He said, "You just did the third step prayer." I voiced it without reservation. There was no lurking notion. It was on my own words, but I admitted complete defeat.

the job, the car, the girl was not going to fix me. I made a commitment that day on my knees with my sponsor and the God of my understanding that I was going to get off my butt and take these steps that are going to get me to the power. I'm going to take these steps that are guaranteed to get me to the power that's going to save my life.

You dig that guarantee, right? There ain't a treatment center on this planet today offering guarantees. The big book does.

I guarantee to get to the power. It tells me precisely exactly when I'm supposed to do my four step. Look at the bottom of page.

If you brought your big book, you open it up. Bottom of page 63. You do the third step prayer.

You give your sponsor a hug. It tells you on the very bottom of the page when you do your fourth step. Next, we launch on a course of vigorous action.

Next. Not next week. Not next.

I'm on the There's 12 steps. There's 12 months. I'll do a step a month.

And no, no, no, no. Next. Look, I felt a great thing happen when I did that third set prayer.

It felt awesome. And I've done since done a hundred of other third set prayers with other young knuckleheads coming up through the ranks. And there's been some mindblowing experiences, right?

I can't I cannot stay sober on that experience alone cuz I got a whole bunch of stuff in me blocking me from the power that's going to save my life. Now I got to take some action. Look, I love the promises on the third step.

It says, "Being all powerful, he provided what we needed." So this power greater than me is going to provide me with everything I need. Now here's the hook. If I'm close to him and perform his work well.

And Cliff said, "Underline. There's your job description. Till the day you die.

My job today is to stay close to God and do this work today. No matter what. What do I get in return?

everything I need right here, right now. I got everything I need. It's pretty simple.

Now, I got to take some action and show God how willing I am to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I got to take some action to discover what's blocking me from the power. I'm going to do a fourth step.

My sponsor gave me one week to complete the fourth step or else go find somebody else. And every day on that day, during that week, when I was working on my fourstep, I would call to check in and I'd say what I needed to say. He'd say, "Where you at on your forep?" Well, Cliff, I'm done with my resentments.

Now, I'm working on my fears. He'd say, "Great. Call me when you're done." Click.

I got done with my four step. I called him. Said, "I'm done with my fourp.

I'm ready to do my fifth." He said, "Great. Meet me here tomorrow at my house at 1:00 p.m. Now I go to his house.

This time I'm like 12 days sober. Go to his house. Now I get to find out the ugly truth about me.

And the ugly truth about me is left to my own devices. I'm selfish. I'm self-centered.

I'm egotistical. I'm full of fear. And I will do absolutely anything to get my way if I got to be real real nice and pay you a compliment.

I can do that. If that don't work, f you. Cuz I am going to get what I need to get cuz I'm convinced that that's going to make me whole.

And look at all the damage that I did. Look at all those people that I broke their heart. That is the ugly truth about me.

And it wasn't a pretty experience. It wasn't. It was kind of a long drive back to my house to go do my little quiet hour.

That was me left to my to the best of my abilities. That's what I come up with. That's stuff on my forstep.

If that's the stuff blocking me from the power, am I willing to get rid of it? You read the 12 and 12, they say step six separates the men from the boys because this is all I know is the way I treat people. And if this is the stuff that's killing me, that's blocking me from the power.

Am I willing to let go of it? Hell, I've been hanging on for years. Now they're asking me to let go.

If I'm ready to let go, then I do that sevenstep prayer. And I did that sevenstep prayer. And I started that night working on my eightstep list.

I had a great start on my eight step with my four-step list. But there was a whole bunch of people that didn't make my resentment list that I just flat out cheated, calm, manipulated. Look, if you knew me in the 80s and the 90s, chances are that you were not enriched by the experiment experience.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, nobody ever called me after a blackout and said, "You know, John, during your blackout last night, you were so darn helpful. So my list kept growing exponentially, right?

But this is where sponsorship is key, right? My sponsor we now this ain't in the big book. You can take it or leave it.

But he had me divide my little my little amends. I had a column that I was ready to do that day. And then I had another column in the middle.

It's like, yeah, I own a men's, but maybe it's a million dollars and I don't have a million dollars. Maybe they live in Taiwan and I can't get to there's some circumstances. And then I had another column.

There ain't no way, right? And we started on this other column, right? And I'm going to my meetings.

I'm going to this little place, Homerbound. I didn't have an option. I was told to be there.

Listen to Myers. Listen to Kurt. Soak it all in.

Learn what's in this information. Take an extra big book. Take an extra pack of smokes.

Go be a part of. Go be get in the game. Don't sit there.

Go do I know a whole bunch of people in Dallas, Texas today that know this book better than I do and they're drunker. And you know what? It ain't about how much I know out of this book.

It ain't it ain't about it's not how if I can re recite pages off the top of my head. It's about taking the information and going and practicing it in the wild because I'm supposed to practice in my homes, occupations, and affairs. Anybody can learn this book and go into a discussion meeting and say something hip, slick, and cool.

Anybody can do that. What am I going to do the next 23 hours of the day? That was the problem.

That's where that's where I was so hard to understand because I left to my own devices cannot live sober. Can't do it. Cannot pull that off.

But now I'm in the steps. Now I'm making these amends. Like I said, I'm wrapping it up here.

Oh, I got like seven minutes, man. I got all the time in the world. All right.

So, I ain't sober too long. I'm talking to my this little job that hired me back for this little thing. I keep going.

I keep going. Right. And my two or three weeks is up.

This little project is done. It is the weekend. It is right before the end of September.

Rent is looming large for the next month, right? And I kind of figured it out in my head how much I'm going to get paid. And it ain't enough.

It ain't enough to cover all those bills. And I'd been to Homerbound that day to help a new guy or whatever and talked to my sponsor and all of a sudden now Sunday afternoon rolls around and I'm screwed. My mind gets to turning and I can already see the future.

I'm going to go in tomorrow. They're going to pay me for the last time. They're going to fire me.

I'm not going to have enough money to pay my rent and my phone. and I just got this apartment and what am I going to do and I owe this and I owe this and pretty soon you know I'm going to be living in a van down by the river and I called the old man back and I pleaded my case to him and he said he's like you were fine just a couple hours what happened and I tell him this story and he takes it all in he says okay John you got a dollar yes sir I have a dollar he said great I'm going to hang up now. And I want you to take your dollar and get your big book and say a prayer and go down to 24-hour club and get you a Coke or a cup of coffee.

And I want you to sit in that cafeteria and I want you to talk to every son of a gun that walks in that door and tell them your story. Stay there for a couple hours. Call me when you get home.

Click. And I'm like, not only is he's old, he's deaf. Cuz I just told him I'm going to be living homeless tomorrow.

and he's telling me to and I'm like, "God almighty." And I got on my knees and I asked God for help and I got my big book and I got a dollar and I went to that little treatment center where I just came out of a few months prior and I sat down. These guys came out for a smoke break and I talked to these guys and I had some little red books with me. I talked to them for a while.

It was really cool. I gave out my phone number to these guys and they went back up and did whatever they did. They did.

That went so well for I just s out reading my big book. An hour later, they come out again. I'm talking to them again and like three or four hours go by and I'm in my little beater car going home and I don't think my car wheels touch the ground.

You dig? You know, I mean, I'm like, "This is so awesome." I'm like on the phone going, "Cliff, check it out, dude. I just got back and man, I got like Manny Mo Jack's phone numbers.

I'm doing a third step tomorrow with this dude and and I'm going on and on and on and on and on." He's like, "What about your job?" I didn't think about my job. Now you're with the big boys, right? That's what we do.

And I am so grateful to that man cuz he didn't care about my little feelings. He didn't care that I was shy around you. He didn't care.

The precise in instructions are in here. I heard another speaker call it a prescription for a miracle. If you're twisting in the wind in Alcoholics Anonymous, you got to ask yourself a question.

Have you worked the steps? It's outlined in this book. Cuz I had a lot of bad things to say about AA.

But the truth was is I ain't never worked the steps until 1999. And I worked the steps. I've had many, many spiritual experience.

And my life changed like that. And now instead of people running away from me, they come to me. My family that didn't have anything to do with me loves me.

They want me to come around. I am like I am like Uncle John Kelly, you know? I got I got like 13 little nephews and nieces, right?

I I would I when Kennedy was a little baby, I'm buying her little Air Jordans and she's like six months old. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I love these little kids and left to my own devices.

I would have missed it all. But see, I get to work with guys that are just like me. I don't I rarely ever sponsor a high bottom drunk.

I'm getting guys that people are done with. You know what I'm saying? The judges are done, the families are done, AA is done with them, and then I get these jewels.

And these are the cats that I sponsor. And you know what? These cats are kicking butt, taking names today.

Today. Awesome. The fellowship that I crave has grown up around me.

I got more friends and I got lots of times I have more people calling me than I won't. But I got a primary purpose. I'm here for a reason.

You know, the cool thing is is the worst thing that I thought that could ever possibly happen to a guy like me being an alcoholic is transformed into the best thing that does happen. I I am so grateful for AA and I'm so grateful for for you cats and I am so very grateful for my home group and guys that hold me accountable. I'm I'm engaged to like the most awesome chick in the planet.

And it's just amazing. And that's better than I can do on my own and I want to be a part of and I want to keep doing I've taken my mom through this work and she don't even drink. You know, she's a big book dumper.

I send her CD. She's got her favorites. Hell, she can spot a middle of the road out of the first sentence out of their mouth.

You know, she came to one of my birthdays. She's like, "That guy over there, not so much." like, you know, she knows the truth. My mom, she's also my mom's like kind of a a nurse, you know, so she gets to carry the message.

She's not even an AA, but she knows the truth. She gets people from my brother's church. They sometimes call me, right?

We're experts in alcoholism. There's not a person on this planet that alcoholism has not touched in some form or fashion. And we got to get off our butts and quit getting so damn comfortable in these rooms and go out amongst the people and find us.

Where would I would not be here today if my group wouldn't have been there on September the 4th, 1999? And I will I hope it's my my only prayer for myself is I just want God to keep me hungry day in day out. I want to keep being a big book thumper and I want to keep doing what I do because it's the best.

It is the best. I got the best life than you can imagine. I got a life that I don't really deserve cuz left to my own devices, I just drink till I die.

Just the endless procession of socks. But now I got a purpose and I want to do my damnest to keep doing what I do. Thank you very much.

Feel the power. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.