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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. My name is Rick and I'm an alcoholic.

And I'm going to take my jacket off. I'm melting here. I used to drink.

Before I start telling my story, I want to I want to thank Lori and the committee um from the bottom of my heart. This is such a thrill for me to be here. Um I'm not highly educated.

Um for the newcomers, I'm no authority on alcoholism or AA. I'm just a guy with a story. And uh and I used to drink.

Boy, did I used to drink. And uh it was the one thing I did really well. And uh but from the bottom of my heart, thank you to the committee and Barry for dragging me around and pointing out every meeting room in town.

And and uh anyways, I used to drink and uh I really loved booze. I loved everything about it. I was so crazy about booze that uh I remember a story where bunch of us were about 18 and we're drinking whiskey one night and every time we took a big drink of whiskey we'd shiver and go like that and we decided that that was a whiskey orgasm and I made the mistake of of going to my family doctor a little fellow from India and I told him that I thought I was having whiskey orgasms.

And this little East Indian fellow, Dr. J, he says, "Oh, Richard, you silly ass. That that is your gag reflex.

That's your stomach contents trying to come out your nose." But man, I I still love booze, you know. He later put me on uh ant abuse and uh did all sorts of wonderful things for me. But man, I love booze.

And uh but I should tell you about me first. I uh I'm one of four children from a family that uh was part Irish or part Irish and part Scottish. And today that makes wonderful sense to me because half of me always wanted to drink and the other half never wanted to pay.

Never. But I Oh, I like booze. And uh and uh this was an interesting family and I didn't know it was interesting.

I had uh a much older brother who was 14 years older than me. I had a sister who was u 6 and 1/2 7 years older than me than me and then a younger sister who was 7 years old younger than than me. And um so my mother had babies 21 years every seven years.

And so the joke in our house was my father got the seven-year itch and stayed home. And uh it was a different house than any of the other kids in the neighborhood cuz I had a sister who was severely cerebral palsy and um she was uh confined to a wheelchair, wore braces and our house was different because I'm old enough to know that healthc care as we know it today didn't start till 1964. So we had huge issues about income and feeding the family and dealing with braces and susten brain surgeries and uh my sister constantly had seizures and she had to have physiootherapy every night and it was just a different house.

But we also had all sorts of fundraising activities going on in our house. Uh my parents put on a thing called uh with a a television network, a cerebral paly uh uh teleathon and it was on this uh is global in those days and uh and so it was an exciting house to grow up in as well because there was always a party. There was always excitement.

There was always people coming and going and they'd roll up all the furniture in the basement. I'd have dances and the mayor's wife would come over and get drunk and make a pass with my wife or my dad I should say and I'll have to talk slower. I am halfIrish.

Um anyways, I guess I guess for me uh booze was always part of part of the family thing and and my house may have not been normal by most standards, but it was the only thing I knew. So it was normal. was very normal and there was lots of excitement.

But the first the first time I drank um something happened to me. There was a bunch of kids in the neighborhood and we got together and we're going to go camping down at the river and we must have been 12 13 or whatever. And we got a great big peanut butter jar.

I think it was Skippy. I'm not sure. And it was cleaned out and we filled it with vodka and rum and rye and scotch and and uh it was it was brutal, I guess.

But it went around the campfire and all the other guys were spitting it out and they were foolish. I mean, come on. And within an hour, the lights went out because I drank it all.

and I came to in the back of a policeman's car in someone else's clothes. Why do people laugh at that, you know? Um, apparently I'd spit up on myself and we'd gone carousing in the neighborhood and uh and the police picked me up and brought me home.

And till the day I die, blur eyed and and pimplefaced and that's not face kid. I remember exactly what my father said. He said, "Son, if you can't handle that stuff, you leave it alone." And I had a keen mind.

I don't know that it was alcoholic or not. I don't I now get into this stuff whether I was born alcoholic or not. Who cares?

I'm here. But my father said said that to me and I thought I'll try harder. My keen mind said I'll show you.

And I got good at drinking. Now, it it wasn't planned that I come here and and stand up here in my best suit and tell my story. That wasn't the plan with this.

The plan was I wanted to get high and listen to the fiddler. You know, I wanted to have a good time. And I had a lot of fun with a or with alcoholism.

And uh I'm nervous. It must be important to me to be here. Yeah.

Anyways, just about every time I drank, I'd have blackouts. And uh my behavior at first in the blackouts wasn't that bad, but it became more and more bizarre the longer I drank. And uh and more and more embarrassing, and the stories got wilder and stupider.

And uh I was uh I was the kind of drunk if pink elephants drank, they would have seen me, you know? I was a goof. I mean, I was just out of control the whole time.

My wife used to say after I got married, she'd say, "One minute you'd be fine." And then I'd look over and uh apparently I'd become snot bubbling drunk again, you know. And uh I was just it was like flipping a light switch and I'd go to overload and I was always always saying the wrong thing at the perfect time, you know, at the perfect time. Um, you're talking about me bringing a chocolate cake through the airport.

Um, my one airport story is my brother drove me from London, Ontario to Toronto so that I could fly back to Vancouver where I was living at that time and we drank a bottle of whiskey between us on the way in a convertible and drove to Toronto. And when we got there, of course, it was back in the old Sky Bus days. And uh, there was a huge lineup for Sky Bus.

It was like a $99 flight type thing. And um I said to my brother, I really got to pee. And he says, "Give me your your ticket and I'll get your boarding pass." And I thought, "Yeah, whatever.

It's going to take an hour." And I came back a few minutes later and he had a boarding pass. And I thought I said, "How did you get that?" And he said, "Oh, little brother, I got pulled around here." I didn't think much of it. And then he hugged me.

And as he's hugging me, he leans in my ear and he says, "And by the way, you've just had a heart attack. Here comes your wheelchair. And that was definitely not funny because I was going to get sober on an airplane on a 5-hour flight back to Vancouver and they were not going to give me a drink cuz I went on in on a wheelchair.

And as a matter of fact, they got very thin lipped about that. Yeah. But I was uh to tell you a little more about me, I was um I was a child of of the late 50s and early 60s and uh I had a a learning disability that today is no big deal.

It's called dyslexia. And in those days, it was unknown. And so I was strapped a lot in school.

So about the time I really started liking booze, I was working part-time in this little restaurant. And uh the short order to cook had a stroke and one night they handed me a hamburger turner and an apron. And I fell in love with the idea of becoming a chef.

You know, I I think I was in my mind I thought I was going to become a a connoisseur, but by then I was already a common sewer. And uh I I've never sipped a drink in my life. I I've always guzzled.

I've always chug a lugal lugged and uh till it came out my nose and uh and so I went on this thing and I and I got my papers. I became a paper chef. I have a red seal um diploma thing and uh almost got thrown out of uh out of chef school for being drunk and disorderly in class and I had all sorts of problems and issues with uh trying to get along with the other kids.

Um, I was uh I was never a lover when I was a drinker. Um, about the time it made sense. Forget it.

And uh, and I was never a fighter. In all fairness, uh, I had I did have a medical problem. I didn't have any guts.

And uh, I always love George Carlin. He always said, "Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone." And uh, that was me. I was not getting in any fights.

it was not going to happen. I was a talker and I talked myself out of quite a few um bad situations that I talked myself into. But um but I really oh did I like drinking.

Man, I like drinking. And um I had a buddy and he and I would we were constantly getting picked up by the police. You know, I was charged with underage drinking three times before I turned 18 years old.

And I grew up in a nice city, a very nice town. And uh London, Ontario, for those of you who are from there, I know there's a couple. There you are.

And uh um but it was I I mean, I didn't have a bad childhood. I didn't have a bad family. I had the kind of father that uh I never in public, I never heard my father say anything unkind about my mom.

You know, he treated her royally when he was out in public. alone. He used he he used to refer to as that thin lip Presbyterian woman.

And uh and I recognize thin lips these days, trust me. And uh but he he treated her they they they were in love. And um and in my life, I wanted to be I wanted to have that in my life.

I really did. I'm not one of these guys that wanted to get rich and drive a Rolls-Royce. Unless she was rich and gave me one.

The other part involved work, and I was allergic. I used to break out and sweat when I'd get close to it. And uh but I I was a drunk and I never knew when the lights were going to go out and uh and that was terrifying to me, you know, um because I wanted to perform well.

I wanted to do this thing the right way. I uh I was working in one of the most exclusive country clubs in Canada. I was working as the sue chef.

That's second in command. And uh this little brunette bounces into my life. And uh she's Irish Catholic and I was, you know, Protestant, so orange and green.

I guess that's brown. And uh she was amazing because she laughed at all my jokes, you know, and we we we had a honeymoon partying. We went dancing and drinking and carrying on.

And and drinking in those days for me wasn't uh wasn't a bad thing. It was it was sweaty bodies thrashing around on dance floors. We went out and we boogied and we had a ball.

And uh and then uh I got charged with impaired driving again. And uh I got really scared so I proposed to her. But it was romantic.

It really was because I really wanted to be that guy that she'd look across the table and say, "That's my guy." And she'd give me that look. Guys, you know that look? Me either.

I think she's getting Alzheimer's. She starts to laugh at my jokes again. So, I'm going to get her to a doctor.

But really, I I just I wanted I really wanted to be a whole guy. I wanted to be that kind of husband and that kind of dad and uh not father knows best, you know. I wanted to have fun, too.

and we laughed a lot and we really had a lot of fun when we were dating. And um I'd take her home after dates and then I go home and drink till I passed out. I was in heaven.

Um it was it was a little schizophrenic. There was two little lives going on here. But I really really I wanted to be her old man, you know.

I wanted want her to be proud and hold my hand when we go out in public, you know. And inside I was just terrified cuz I knew I was going to screw it up. And uh so the date came and I remember what my dad said.

He said he said, "Oh son, are you sure you want to do this to her?" You know, and the day she walked up the aisle, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. Young woman. And um I used to joke, I was so insensitive.

I used to joke that on the day we got married, we looked like a brand new house. She was all painted up and I was freshly plastered. And uh and that's not totally true.

Uh my wife's never worn makeup. And uh but then we started what I call um what I called for years was our dance of the wounded sparrow. Our marriage would flutter up and drop and flutter up and drop.

The dance of the wounded sparrow. And uh so yeah, by then I really had to drink and my my wife had uh while I was dating her, she was in nursing school becoming a registered nurse and I was cooking and um I've been telling everyone I was a chef. Of course, I remember I worked at this little restaurant and was telling everyone how I was a chef and this old cockney waitress said, "Listen, Bob, you may think you're a chef, but you're nothing but a sweaty hairy ass cook." I experienced that today with the hamburgers and hot dogs.

Thank you, Barry. That was fun. But it was it was it was like schizophrenia.

It was it was me wanting to be someone and with the pain and fear of actually who I was. And as it went on, um, she stopped laughing and that hurt cuz I wanted I just wanted I wanted it to continue. And then and I blame her, of course, you know, it was her fault, of course, because she was getting serious.

You know, I'd come home 3:00 in the morning drunk and she'd say, "Drunk again." And I go, "Me, too." You know, and she wouldn't laugh. Nothing I could do would bring her back. The girl I was I had been dating.

And uh and I used to tell everybody we have this lovehate relationship. The classic lovehate relation. What a load of bull.

You know, I thought the opposite of love was hate. The opposite of love is not hate. I was 7 years sober when I discovered the opposite of love is indifference.

And my wife used to look at me and she'd say, "Why do you lie? Why do you sneak around and lie?" Because I' I'd get about a layer of five or six lies and they're hard to keep track of, right? especially with a hangover and that oily sweat from the night before, you know, and that hard to that hard grin grin, you know, and she'd uh she'd say, "If you really loved me, why do you lie?" And I didn't know that I didn't love her or that I did love her.

I didn't understand. The reason that I'd sneak around and lie was because I didn't want to hurt her again. I didn't want to let her down one more time.

I really didn't want to disappoint her again. And uh it tore my heart up between drunks. It really tore my heart up.

And uh now I married Irish Catholic. Now there's Irish, there's Catholic, and there's Irish Catholic. And uh and the problem with that is if you don't have kids really quick, they think there's something wrong with dad, you know.

And I wasn't even sleeping in the same room half the time, you know. And um and my wife and I had decided that we it was probably in better interest of a child and both of us that we never have children because we never knew when I was going to twist off and disappear for a couple days. I was uh I was a traveling drunk.

I would come to at my steering wheel doing 90 going, "Where am I?" And I was a terrible driver and drinker. And uh so what happened was uh I got an opportunity to change careers and uh I became a coffee salesman. I worked for Maxwell House in Edmonton.

I took a job in Edmonton. I was the last drip. I uh I got I once I once went to a national sales meeting and they brought me up at the front in those days the sales traveling salesman we had rapid drafts and travel letters and a rapid draft was to do business.

It was a checkbook to do business and the travel letter was how you wrote up your expenses so you didn't have to have your checks sent out. And uh I had a lousy year that year and they asked me to come up to the front of this sales meeting in front of 300 people and the gentleman said uh we have a special award tonight for Rick Kellen here. He uh he had the highest expenses in November and I forget what the amount was.

He says we have this holster for his rapid draft and his travel letter. whole end as well. He never left Edmonton.

Not funny. And uh but I was uh the company was was feeding me booze and uh there came that fateful day. I got charged with impaired again.

And uh I went to court and I was uh my lawyer and I I was in a bit of a blackout. My lawyer and I were convinced that we could beat this case. So, we get into the courtroom and he didn't do his work and I didn't remember and the cop got up there and they had those little black books and he opened it up and he said, "I pulled Mr.

Gillan over at so and so street and so and so avenue." He rolled down his window, handed me his driver's license, his ownership, rolled up his window and drove away. So, I didn't look at my lawyer cuz I knew if he was laughing I was screwed, right? And when I finally were able to look at him, he was going he was giving me that funny look.

And we're making eyes at each other. And the and the police officer went on to say, I subsequently pulled the accused over four blocks later. He leaped from his car, ran to my window, and yelled, "What the f do you want now?" So this time I did get the corner of my eye thing with my lawyer and his shoulders were going and he was looking at the floor and uh and so there were two words I had for him and they were plead guilty and uh so I came home to that house.

We had a beautiful little house in the west end of Edmonton. And I came home to my wife and for eight years of marriage and three years of dating, um, we had played this this dance of the wounded sparrow where I I would get drunk and misbehave and do my my stupidity thing and she would get very sullen, very quiet, very hurt, and wouldn't talk to me. And so I'd wait till the precise moment and I'd push her buttons emotionally and she'd explode on me and she'd get all this anxiety and energy out and then I'd offer her alternatives.

So in the big book where it talks about drinking wine only and all that stuff, you know that wonderful stuff in uh the third chapter. Oh baby, I was there with my wife. But this day, I thought, I'll try a new tact.

And I and I had this plan and it was perfect in my mind. I came home and I said, "You know, this is really tough. Maybe I should move out." And I thought, she's going to say, "Oh, honey, you poor thing." She packed.

Hour and a half later, I'm I'm standing on the porch with my mallet matching alcoholic luggage, a pair of green garbage bags, going, "Wait a minute. This is not what I planned. This is not quite what I expected, but I'll show her." And five or 6 weeks later, I'd lost 25 to 30 lbs.

Um, my eyes were yellow. I had those little sores you get on your back when you lay on a mattress and drink and then wake up and then drink and I think they're called wine sores. Um, I was absolutely defeated.

I owed a lot of money and I knew I couldn't pay it back. I'd had a seizure. Anybody here not had a seizure?

That's a really special thing. Um it it your whole words world starts to look like it's wrapped in saran wrap and you feel like a high voltage electrical wire with no insulation and you know you're going down. And I went down I tried to get to the grass but I did it on the sidewalk and I did one of these you know the involuntary break dancing and all the whole side of my head had a scab on it.

I had a half a Caesar look for about three weeks and uh but that was how I was coming to bottom and I went through a treatment center. Um and then I had to drink a couple times after that and come back to AA and detox in the rooms. And the thing that happened to me that uh that happens to so many people, I mean, I was my first meeting was uh 1975 and I got sober in August 8th, 1985.

And the thing that happened to me that happens to so many people in AA is uh I ran out of gas. And when we tell our stories for the new pe newcomers, when we tell our stories, it's what it was like, and you've heard a bit of that. What happens is hugely spiritually significant to me.

I couldn't fight anything or anybody when I came back that last time. I was absolutely empty. Could not fight anything or anybody.

And I came back to AA one more time. I didn't have anywhere else to go. And it was my old home group.

And I was the Youngstown group in the west end of Edmonton. And there was uh old George was there, old tire George. And uh he wore this little brown leisure suit, looked like a blue jean jacket, and he had a pin protector in his pocket.

And he talked real soft, you know. And I come back to A one more time, and he'd say, "What's your sober date this time, Rick?" And I wanted to puke, you know, and then he looked at his pen, he went, "Oops." And he put it back in his pocket and took out a pencil, you know, one more time. And when I kept coming back, it was like they were saying to me, Rick, Rick, Rick, you know, oh man, not again.

And uh but I came back this this one last time and there was a little gal in that group just taken her third birthday and she'd been making coffee for 3 years and she said something warm and fuzzy like, "Hey, stupid." Or, "Hey, you." Or that's how it sounded like to me at that time. She probably said, "Rick, I'm tired of this. Can you help me out?

Now, I'm a Red Seal chef. And when I was when I was a young chef, I'd been on a cooking team that had cooked for Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip. I thought I had a resume, you know, and uh and I was I was the last drip.

And they asked me to make coffee and I went home and I became abjectly terrified that you would not like my coffee. if there were ever a group of people on the face of the earth that are more pallet fatigued than us. Right?

So, I went out and I bought Colombian coffee beans. That's before that was fashionable long before Starbucks. And I ground them just right.

And I made that coffee just right. And no one said one word. But I laid out the literature and I made the coffee and I started to live like I believed it might work.

I didn't think it was going to work. I didn't think it was going to work for me. I'd been in and out for years.

And uh and the miracle in AA happens and it happens a lot when we're doing that sort of thing because I'd be setting up the literature table and setting up the coffee and doing all that stuff. And other guys just like me who weren't going to go home cuz their wife lived there too were there. And we started talking and I started losing my fear of those people, you know, and I was I was separated, you know, we'd split the house.

She had the inside and I had the outside and if she was going to have that house, I wanted half the money or something, right? And uh so we got some counseling and we discovered that for years we'd talked at each other. All our conversations started with you.

you always, you never, you son of, you know what I mean? And uh and we didn't talk to each other and I didn't know how and I didn't know how to be a husband. And uh but I made a huge mistake.

I came to AA and I started to talk and uh if you don't want to stay here, don't talk, right? Cuz some poor slob job came up to me and said, "Will you be my sponsor?" And uh I said, 'Why, of course. And then I thought, I better get a sponsor and find out what the hell they do.

So I picked this guy with a big Irish grin. He looked like a cop. And I know I know you think your your sponsor is special, but God sent me a paint salesman.

Okay. And uh and Terry was an amazing man and I love that man, you know, and what he did for my life is amazing. And he didn't tell me to do steps.

He didn't push me to do steps. He did steps with me. And I didn't take the steps anywhere.

They're still there. You know, I don't belong to the program of AA. I'm honored to be here, but I don't belong to the program of AA.

I belong to the fellowship of AA. And that's the other thing he did to me. He gave me jobs.

He gave me new best friends. He gave me purpose. And my purpose was there to clean damn ashtrays and stack chairs.

My purpose was to go over to the newcomers and uh and uh and and help them. Um he noticed that that I wasn't doing very well at home. Like before I got sober, I'd say to Terry, I'd say I'd say, "If I don't get my wife, you know, when I was first getting sober, if I don't get my wife back, I think we're going to drink." And then I got her back.

for 5 years. I'd say, "Terry, if she doesn't leave, I'm drinking and all." And it had nothing to do with her. It had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with my sickness.

But I was so busy in AA and having a ball. I came to believe in AA by living like I would I believed it would work. In other words, I rolled up my sleeve and I became you.

I got a fellowship. And then this this sponte comes to me one day and he says, "I want to do a step three." And I said, "No problem. My wife's working Thursday night." And I was back in my house by then.

I said, "Come over Thursday night and we'll do a step three." And I went home in a ter panic. I didn't want to tell my sponsor. I didn't know anything about it.

So I looked it up and it's right after how it works. And for me, that was where the program of recovery started was after A, B, and C. Because the next line in that it says being convinced we were now at step three being convinced of what and that's what we discussed what we were convinced of and then we got on our knees and by purely by mistake and by the grace of God I did my first real step three and doing it with another human being turned out to be one of the most powerful things in starting my road to recovery because it was no longer a secret that I was getting sober.

No longer a secret at all. As a matter of fact, now I had to look good to this jackass or he was going to pass me. My first run at step four, it was brutal because it to me it was a grocery list.

Okay, if I do this, this, and this, I'll be wonderful. You know, I won't have to wait till February to walk on the water, I'll be good. And uh and it wasn't that at all.

And to make that step spiritual, there was a real there's a real sneaky way about forgiveness in there. It suggested that I look at the people that had hurt me on my resentment list and come to see them as being perhaps spiritually sick. Perhaps sneaky.

When I prayed for them, I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was offering them their humanity. I was allowing them to be sick people. And when they were sick people, I woke up one day and I didn't feel so bad about me.

And I was able to be a hell of a lot more honest about some of that, some of the secrets. And I was able to get a lot of the secrets out the first go around and then got them all out the the second go round. And then uh six and seven um I got careful and at one point uh and that's not what it says.

Doesn't say make a decision to get really careful and drive everyone crazy and pretend you're wonderful. It doesn't say that at all. Um um what it was was an invitation for me to trust God and get on with the business of living and start living instead of existing and and looking over my own shoulder.

What an amazing journey that's been. There's only one thing I suffer from in my program today, and that's not trusting God. Old CC used to tell a joke and I'll I love Irish jokes and the joke is about the joke is about a a rabbi and a priest and it's not dirty and uh they're sitting beside the boxing ring and there's a little Jewish guy and a little Irish Catholic boy and they're about to box and the priest and the and the rabbi are sitting there with their arms folded looking at each other sideway when the Catholic boy drops to one knee and he crosses himself and the rabbi says, says to the priest, he says, "So what's with that?

What does that mean?" The old Irish priest says, "Not a bloody thing if he can't fight." And in step seven, if I don't trust God, doesn't matter how much I think I can change me or how much I want to change me, I got to trust God to get on with the business of living. And I got to get out there and dance like nobody's watching. I don't dance, girls.

And uh but I got to get on with that, you know. I really got to step out there and and make it my life and trust God. And uh and step eight and nine, what miracles that is.

You know, when I got a list and I looked at it and I talked to my sponsor about it, there were people there I could never say anything to, I thought, cuz I would cause a hell of a lot more damage than I do good. A hell of a lot more. And so what I discovered was was that I needed to take a deep breath in step eight so that when I did look at step nine, I could do it with some sort of confidence and some sort of caring and not do it just to make me feel better.

And the toughest step nine in the in the world for me was my father cuz my father was still drinking. Now my dad was one hell of a guy. He was the funniest man I ever met.

He used to say to me, he'd say, "Son, we really love you, but you know, you had an older sister that was cerebral palsy. Please understand, we love you, but buddy, you were strained through rubber." You know, he he had a strange sense of humor, but he was the funniest man I ever knew and a really warm-hearted guy, but he was drunk and I didn't know how to I didn't know how to make amends to him. And one night he called me and he said he said, "Son, I think I'm going to die." He says, "My liver's shut down and I'm swelling up with fluid." And I went to my meeting and I said to my sponsor, I said, "Terry, I don't know what to do.

I think he's going to die." And I didn't make amends to my mom because I was still drinking when she died and I know how empty that feels. What do I do about that? And he said, "You know what?

Sponsors give you those big long speeches, right?" He said, "I don't know. You'll be dead for a long time." So, I went home from my home group at 9:30 at night. I said to my wife, "We have the money.

I have the time. I want to go see my daddy before he dies. And twice I brought my dad from London, Ontario out to Edmonton and I took him to the Campbell Club.

Now, uh my dad didn't get sober, you know, and um but an interesting thing happened. I shared my story with him and I shared it all. I let him know exactly who I really was.

By then, I'd done a step five, so none of that stuff scared me anymore. That's that's the real joy. I could share then once I was not afraid of it anymore.

And what happened was my dad my dad felt comfortable enough when he understood I wasn't there to save him anymore and I'd stopped trying to save him and he shared his story with me. And here was a guy who uh whose father had one arm. He had uh six brothers and two sisters.

They lived through the depression. And my father had two full-time jobs in the depression. and he went into the Second World War as a wireless air gunner and had a horrible job in the war.

He he bombed the Portuguese fishing fleet because there might have been submarines under it. Had nightmares all his life. I was an amateur as a drunk compared to my dad.

I had nothing going on in my life. And uh I came to understand my real truth. And uh you know when all the all the whatifs and the yeah buts and the and all that bad history is all cleaned up, the things I cling to today are the gifts my dad had and the gifts my dad was able to give me.

And step 12 is a whole 11 and 12 are a whole different new uh new way of life. Step uh step 11. And I was a I was the kind of guy I'd get up in the morning, I hit the alarm clock about four times.

That little button. An alcoholic designed that. I'm convinced because I'd be 20 minutes late.

I'd run through a scalding shower. I'd get in my car. I'd be driving through traffic waving at all my new friends with one finger.

You're number one. Yeah. and uh and I and I get to work 20 minutes late and uh knowing that today was the day I was going to be fired because I wasn't performing my my job right.

You know, that's that's what I brought from AA and I was sober like that. Prayer and meditation is a time for me to catch my breath and start over. Working with others has been not working.

If there's one thing in the big book, if I had the power to change, would be take the word working out because it's been the greatest joy. And to get to that, tell you that, I'm going to have to tell you a bit about my family life. And this is my favorite part of my talk.

Um, I married Irish Catholic and the family thought there was something wrong with me. So, she got smarter and prettier after I got sober. She did.

There's no question in my mind. She was damn near as pretty as when I married her. She might have had a little baggage and we'll get through that, right?

So, we started trying to have a family and my my wife is a nurse. She's a labor and delivery nurse, so she knows about that stuff. So, after about 3 hours of not getting pregnant, I learned all about not wearing tight jeans, not sitting in hot bathtubs, alarm clocks, calendars, thermometers, midnight performances, and when we still didn't get pregnant, um, we had a heart-to-he heart talk and we decided that maybe we could adopt.

So, I went to my sponsor. I said, "There's a social worker coming into my house." This is right around step three time. And I said, "Do I tell them I'm an AA?

Do I risk everything and and tell the social worker that I'm in AA?" And he gave me one of those long sponsor speeches. He says, "I don't know, Rick. What's the right thing to do?" He never told me what to do.

He was he was a strong man, you know. He he resisted that temptation. And uh so I went home.

I You rotten old fart, you know. And I got home and the night the social worker came over with her oversized purse and her pads and her pens and she gets all settled in and I I walked in the living room and I said, "I'm an AA. Would you like a cup of tea?" And I ran in the other room and uh 3 weeks later I'm sitting at the last drips desk.

My office phone goes off and the woman says, "Hello, my name is Elaine R." Or she said her last name. She says, she says, "I am not your social worker. I am the department head.

I understand you think you want to adopt." And then she paused and it seemed like 3 days, might have been 30 seconds. I don't know. She played with me for sure because the next thing that came out of her mouth was she says, "As an adoptive couple, we think you're great.

And I really liked what you said Saturday night at the Camel Club." And I thought, and you you'd think I'd invented God for about a month, you know? Oh, yeah. He was on my team.

And a short time later, my wife and I went into this this private adoption thing, and we brought home a beautiful son, you know, and uh and I was terrified. I didn't know how to be a dad. I didn't know how to be a husband for God's sakes, you know.

I just wanted to be the guy on the other side of the table, right? And now I learned all about diapers and all that stuff. And uh and I didn't know anything about that.

I was I was working as a sponsor by then. And what I discovered, one of the great truths in AA is is there's no real right and wrong in AA. No offense if you think you've got it fixed, you know, but there sure are a hell of a lot of examples.

Examples of what to do and examples of what not to do. And you got to pay attention to both because they're all real important to you as you go along. Anyways, this kid started growing up and the next thing you know, the phone rings.

The adoption agency says, "We've got a beautiful little girl for you. We brought her home. We named her Sarah." Her due date was January 28th, 1992.

And she came home. And in Canada, uh, birth mother has 10 days to change her mind. 6 days later, the phone rang and we gave Sarah back.

And I'll never forget that day because I was standing at my customer's desk and I my beeper went off. I had a beeper then. Cell phones were too big to carry, cords were too long.

And and uh so I I took the call and I said to my wife and she told me, she says she wants Sarah back. And every fiber of my being wanted to hate and resent that young girl. How dare she do that to us?

You know, doesn't she know who I think I am? And uh I picked up the phone and I called my sponsor and I said, "I don't know what to do." And he said, "You give me an another long speech." And Terry said, "What's the right thing to do?" And I I'm never getting a straight answer from this guy, I guess. and and and what happened was I went home and my wife and I discussed it and the right thing to do was we had no right putting any pressure on her.

Good sober people do the right thing and we show grace and dignity and we took Sarah back to the adoption agency and we never saw that birth mom again or Sarah. We took all the gifts that all my friends in AA had given us and uh we took Sarah back. That May, old gay-haired lady comes to me and she says, "Rick, you're not going to believe this, but I'm pregnant." And I said, "Joanne, you're right.

I don't believe you." I walked over to the window and I'm standing there staring out the window and Joanne says, "I just told you I'm I'm 39 years old. I just told you I'm pregnant. you're looking out the window.

And I said, 'Well, honey, the last time this happened, there are three wise men and a virgin from the east. And I ain't missing it. We named him Luke.

And Luke's just like dad. He's got dyslexia, but we know about it and it's and we know how to treat it and we know how to work with it. And my wife works a lot hard at it.

See, we're not all that well yet. She's still the bad cop and I'm the good cop, right? Yeah.

And uh we're working on that. You know, I say I get tough now and then too, but uh but he's an amazing young man as well. And the neatest thing is is my kids would come home from school and they'd say, "Dad, this kid picked on me or this kid did that or that kid did that." And I'd say that what is that an example of, son?

Is that an example of what to do or what not to do? See, my boys, they got they got sponsored by a guy with a brush cut. They got they got their common sense from a paint salesman cuz that's how AA works, right?

There are no real authorities in AA. We're just all hanging on to each other's ass and trying to get through the day. I guess if there's been a gift in AA that uh that is totally undefinable for me, it it's been it's been the God thing for me.

When I made amends to my dad, my dad shared a story with me. When I was 7 years old, my my older sister um or six years old, my parents put my older sister in a crippled children treatment center because they could not physically do it anymore. My younger sister was coming.

And in a very short time, my older sister got pneumonia and died. And my dad told me a story how he and my mom were sitting on u this little phone station thing where they had this little uh like a chair for two kind of like the friendly giant two to snuggle up in. And uh and they were weeping openly cuz they had just gotten a phone call that my sister had died.

And then I came up and I said I was seven years old and I said what's the matter? And uh they said, "Your sister Judy has died." And uh and I had no idea that that I felt that way about God. But my dad said, I went on to say to them, "Isn't that great?

Judy's with God now. She doesn't have to wear braces. She doesn't have to wear diapers.

People don't have to feed her. She's not going to be screaming every night at 7:00 when people try to do physiootherapy with her curled up muscles and all. and she'll be able to run and play with the other kids.

So, there was a time in my life that there was a God that I understood that made me feel safe. It made me feel complete. It made me feel part of.

And maybe it's a childish thing. Maybe it's a childlike faith. But when I'm with you people, I feel safe.

I feel like uh I want to help. I want to be part of what you are. I want to be a fellow among fellows.

I want I want the kind of feelings of of of security and community and love and life to continue going on and I know only one way and that's to remain active. I'm so thrilled that Barry let me cook some hamburgers and turn some wieners. You know the the really bad thing is is is I forgot to pack my shirts.

I was so damn excited. So I had two shirts. So, I was going to come here tonight in a t-shirt that smelt like a burn weenie, you know, and uh thank God there was there was another person from Edmonton.

What a thrill for me when I walked in here and I'm sitting there and I look across the room and there's Stu the Pooh. It's out now. Ha.

And Stu was one of those people that showed up at the Camel Club just after we opened it up. And um and I want to tell you another story about it. The first meeting, the second meeting I went to was in Vancouver.

The first was in London. The second was in Vancouver. And the speaker that night was Stu's dad, Earl.

That's that's how that works. And then when I moved to Edmonton, the very first meeting I went to was uh the world famous Jasper Group. And the guy that sat beside me was Stu's cousin, Les.

and I sponsored less off and on for 14 years. So when I see Stu across the room, I get up and I go over there and I'm I'm so excited. I was excited enough getting out of Alberta and but to see Stu and then as I'm talking to Stu, I look over his shoulder and I see Albert go by and Albert and uh and Irene are dear friends of my my my new sponsor and and his wife Sophie and and I see him go by.

And so last night I went outside in the parking lot and I called my sponsor said, "You rotten old fart." I said, "You should have told me they were here." And no, no, it's a surprise. And then to have Dick Dick say, "Welcome and tell your story, Rick. This has been a really amazing rally.

It's a It's a roundup, but we're going to let you off." My hope and my prayer for you is that you come to see some of the things I see being the same. I know absolutely for certain that I'm not afraid of the first drink. I'm not I'm afraid of the mental and emotional state I get to when that starts to make sense cuz by then it's too late.

I hope you come to understand that this is a partic participation sport alcoholic synonymous that this is uh this I'm not here to be Mr. Wonderful. I'm here to save my the front of my back.

I almost said it, didn't I? Yeah, I'm here to save mine that that that's that's my spiritual awakening that I have to remain a fellow among fellows. I have to continue to be active and uh I have to give away as much love as I can.

Um that was probably one of the smartest things my sponsor used to say to me. He'd say, "Cuz I was I was trying to help everyone and I was really it was real important you did it my way. I was a cop at the camel club and he used to say, "For God's sakes, Rick, will you do it with love?

Will you do it with love?" The newcomer here doesn't need one more lecture. Doesn't need to be told one more time. He already knows or she already knows.

A hand on the shoulder. Take the time to look them in the eye and say, "I'm glad you're here." Cuz that's what they did for me. Now, I came here and got up here tonight.

I was so nervous, I was stumbling over my words. And that's the other thing my sponsor taught me. He says, uh, he says, "When you're nervous, it's because it's important to you." And tonight, it really was.

So, thank you so much for having me and God bless you all. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.