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>> Jeff Kell, alcoholic. >> Um Jerry's not joking. You know, I heard one time that um I heard a lady tell me that um that every time a speaker gets up here that at some point in that talk, God will take over.

I don't know if it's true or not, but if it's true, I hope he gets in there early tonight because I'm really feeling whacked out. I um I woke up this morning on the other side of the world. I was in a hotel room in Singapore and my phone rang at 5:30 in the morning that uh the in Singapore time and it was my assistant from work and um I yesterday I asked her to make a call and tell Jerry that I was you know uh in Asia and that um I didn't know if I was going to make it here on time and uh so she called me this morning.

She said, "Hey, I called that guy Jerry Ross." And I said, "Yeah." And she said, "I told him what was happening and he said, "Tell him I'm expecting him by 7:30." And he hung up. So, I didn't feel like I had any choice. You know, God works through people, I guess.

And he even Jerry. So, here I am. I'm not feeling particularly creative tonight.

So, I'll probably just try and stick to my basic story. It's always the same. It always starts the same.

You know, I I always tell the story. And um one time I didn't tell it and afterwards somebody said, "How come you didn't tell the story?" story. So, I'll tell the story.

And the story is this. It was I was in a meeting one night over at uh Don Maxwell's house on a Wednesday night and there was a lady there and I'd never seen her before and I haven't seen her since. Her name is Monica and she told her story and I want to share it with you right now because it reminds me of what this thing is really all about.

And she was a young upperly mobile woman on the East Coast and uh she had a good job and she had a good life and she liked to party. But she thought that's just the way it was. and uh and uh things were starting to get kind of out of hand and she had this boyfriend and they decided that if they got married they'd settle down then they wouldn't drink so much and use so many drugs and they wouldn't party so hard and everything would be okay and they'd keep their life together because they wanted to be a good couple and they wanted to be good people.

and they got married and they got a little house, but they drank more and more every day. And uh then they decided that maybe if she got pregnant, you know, they wanted to have a family and they wanted to be normal people. And they thought, well, maybe if we get pregnant then you won't be able to drink because you'll you don't you'll want to take care of that baby and you want to be a good mom and you want to be a good wife and so we'll get married and we'll start a family and uh and we'll do that thing.

me. So she got pregnant and the day came um you know she had alcoholism. She had what we have and that means she doesn't have any control over taking that first drink and once she takes it she can't stop and u she has the obsession of the of the mind coupled with the analogy of the body and the day came when she was 4 months pregnant and she was holding on to her husband's leg and and he was walking up the door and she was begging him not to leave her because she said if you go I will drink myself unconscious again and I'm going to do it and I can't help myself.

I cannot stop and I'm going to do it. And one of these days I'm going to kill that baby that I want so bad. And he stepped over her and he walked out the door and he slammed the door and she drank herself unconscious one more time.

And the next day she moped around the house by herself. And that night she went to her first alcoholic synonymous meeting. She looked one up and she went to a church in New York and she went downstairs into the basement and in that room there was a circle with about 25 guys sitting in a circle and she didn't know it was a men's stag.

uh and she didn't know what the what the AA protocol was and she didn't know what you're supposed to say or what you're supposed to do and they were all looking at her kind of funny and they opened the meeting in the usual way and they read this stuff and then the leader said who wants to start off tonight and she didn't know you're supposed to raise your hand or that she wasn't supposed to share there and she began to tell her story and she told the you know the things that I just told you and she sobbed and she sobbed until she choked it all out and then it got deathly still in that room and then one of those guys stood up and he said to the rest of the room, "Gentlemen, this is the reason we're here." That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's Alcoholics Anonymous I fell in love with. That's the Alcoholics Anonymous I want to be a part of today.

And that's the Alcoholics Anonymous I hope that from time to time I represent. And I I don't always do that. I am not a pillar, by the way, of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't come here to say that I'm great. I came here to tell you that AA is great when we do it right, and we work it out of the book. It's everything it ought to be and more.

And if you're new tonight, I know we got a handful of new people. Whatever you think AA is, I guarantee you it's 100 times more than that. That the more you give and the more you do and the more you you get out, you know, the more you put into it, the bigger it gets and the more wonderful it gets and the more magical it gets.

I have seen things here that I can't see anywhere else. I can't experience anywhere else. And and there's there's nobody else that does it quite like us.

And uh but I didn't always feel that way. I um I started drinking and using at an early age in my early teens and by the time I was 17 years old I was going to jail on a regular basis. I turned 19 years old in DVI uh up in Tracy, California in a penitentiary in the reception center and my life, you know, and at that point I already knew about desperation and I knew about fear and I knew what it was to need to do something every time from the minute I woke up I had to get out of myself and I had to I had to find that sense of ease and comfort that I got either from alcohol or from drugs.

And by the time I was 24 years old, it was apparent to me and to everybody else that that I I had to drink no matter what. When I got up in the morning, it didn't matter if I was supposed to show up for a job or if I was supposed to show up for court or show up for whatever, I had to drink first. And chances were, I never even showed up.

And I lived in a series of dumpy places and I got evicted from places and I did all the things that we do and I got arrested a lot. I got arrested a couple of dozen times. I had uh I got arrested six times for driving under the influence of one thing or another.

And uh you know I wouldn't even have a drive I didn't have a driver's license from the time I was 22 years old cuz they took it away that they revoked it the second time. But that never stopped me from stealing your car and getting caught in it. And uh and I came I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous uh on Christmas Day in 1978.

And I walked in and there was a guy there that I knew and his name was Don. And I'd seen Don around and I uh and I thought, you know, I'm going to ask old Don to be my sponsor. And uh and after three days of sitting around on my hands, I called Don and I asked him to be my sponsor.

And Don said, and this is the only time I'll use this word tonight. Don said, "Jeff, there is no way in the world I would ever be your sponsor." And uh I thought that was pretty rude. And um and I said, "Why not?" I thought the hand, you know, I knew just enough about what we say in here to be dangerous.

And I said, "I thought, you know, that the hand of AA was always supposed to be there." And he said, "Yeah, but that's for other people." And if I was to say yes that I'd be your sponsor, I'd drag you around for a couple of weeks and I'd tell you about God and I tell you about the steps and I tell you about the people, you know, I'd introduce you to the people that I respect and that I look up to. And then one more day, you know, down the road somewhere, you'll tell me one more lie and then you'll disappear and I will have wasted all that time I could have spent with somebody who really wants this program. And I begged that guy for about 20 minutes and finally said, "Okay, but don't go telling anybody I'm your sponsor until I say it's okay." And we talked about step one and we talked about step two.

And he said, "We're when we get together, we're going to do step three. We're going to get down on our knees and we're going to hold hands and we're going to say the prayer. And here's how I want you to do your inventory.

And I want you to start today because until you shake hands with the real Jeff Calman, you're never going to meet that God that we're all talking about. You're going to be working the program on the wrong. So, you better get honest with yourself." And he told me what he wanted me to do.

And and I and he made me write five inventories before, you know, he let me move on to six and seven. And you know, sometimes I'd be up there reading those inventories and uh I'd catch him, he used to leave the TV on, I'd catch him watching television out of the corner of his eye because he thought my inventories were so boring, you know, and I'd say, "Hey, aren't you going to pay any attention to this?" You know, and he'd say, "I don't know how much more of this I can take, you know, and uh and then, you know, I'd ask him these questions. I'd be spouting this stuff off, you know, and I don't want to tell him that, you know, the stuff that I'm really afraid of.

I don't want to tell them the things that I'm really about because I don't know how to do that. I don't know how I don't know about that kind of honesty. I've seen it in you and I, you know, I sat in meetings facing the way you're facing tonight and I used to sit in these things and for me it was just like sitting in church because everybody else is feeling something I'm not capable of feeling.

Everybody else is having an experience I'm never going to have. And that's the way I felt about it. And I'm doing this stuff and I'm writing these inventories just because he told me to and I didn't want him to drop me.

I never came in here thinking I was going to be some kind of lasting member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he promised me in those days that if I would do those things that that everything that was impossible for me as a hope to dieod doping would become possible through the miracle of alcoholics anonymous. But I had to do the work.

I had to stand up and be counted. And that was so hard for me. And you know sometimes I'd be up there reading that crap and he would stop me and say things that seemingly bore no relationship to whatever I was trying to talk about.

And he would say, "You know, Jeff, if you look around the world, it's 90% takers and 10% givers. and you come into Alcoholics Anonymous and lo and behold, it's 90% takers and 10% givers. What side do you want to be on?

And I lied. I said, "I want to be a giver, Don." You know, and he said, "Okay, then you better start doing it." And uh and you know, I I I didn't know at that time what what he was talking about. And he would tell me stories and about his sponsor and about the people that he looked up to.

And I didn't know then, you know, what that he was opening the door for something uh that would change my life forever. and uh and my life began to change and I can remember, you know, that I could physically feel the the world changing around me. Um after I did my seventh step, I could feel the difference in my life.

It was palpable to me and I I I had a different attitude about things and doors seemed to open up and things were becoming possible, you know. And and when I first got here, I was living in Chandler Lodge and after 3 months in Chandler Lodge, I'll never forget the day I had to move out of there. I got a little one-bedroom apartment behind the Continental Trailways bus station that used to be in North Hollywood.

And I got as far as a parking lot. I had one of those alcoholic cars, you know, with the front the hood was all bashed up. And I got as far as the parking lot.

There was a pay phone out in the parking lot. And I called Don from the pay phone. And I said, "Don, I'm scared.

I'm afraid I'm going to drink." And he said, "You're not going to drink. You're working the steps. You're going to be fine." And I said, "But I can I'm afraid that when I get over there, I'm going to be sitting in that place and it might take a half an hour.

It might take an hour and a half. It might take three hours, but I can see that bottle of Ernest and Julio's pink swill in a bottle sitting on the floor half gone and know that I'm going to drink the rest of it in one chug and go get another one. And he said, "No, you're not.

God's going to take care of you." And I said, "I don't know that." And he said, "I don't give a I'm your sponsor. I'm telling you, God's going to take care of you. I'll get in your car and go over there and put your stuff in that little dump and make it your own." And my life started the day I did that.

You know, uh because he told me it was going to be okay. Not because I believed it, but because he told me it was going to be okay. And if you don't believe it's going to be okay and you're new tonight and you think this is all Stick around and just do the work and see what happens.

Uh I guarantee your life will change. I barely got out of high school. Uh I've been to jail a lot.

I've been in a lot of scrapes. I've been in six hospitals. And I came here, I had nothing.

And uh but this beat up car that I owed six back payments on. And uh and little by little, my life began to change. And I look back now and it seems like it happened like that.

But it didn't seem that way at the time. But but you know, uh my first job I had was making $3.50 an hour working for some guy helping him hang some drywall. And at two years sober, next thing I know I'm working at a television network.

And then uh you know, every three or four years they'd give me a bigger job and more money. And every 5 years I'd get a bigger house. And every eight years I got a younger wife.

And I did that for a lot of years. and and I saw all those miracles that I used to sit in these rooms and talk about, you know, I can remember in those days and it seems like it was different then. And maybe it was and maybe it wasn't.

I don't know. But I can remember going to conferences in those days, you know, and uh that first conference when it was up at the at the Universal up there and um and there were all these speakers would come in from these far away places and we would go to these things or whether it was in Palm Springs and you'd hear guys like like Norm Alpie and Talbot Hagod and Franklin Williams and Jack Brandon and these guys would come up there and they'd tell these stories and they talk about their lives and and their words hung in the air like stars and all the hair would stand up on your arms. arms and you just get that feeling that come over you, you know, and uh and it was like uh it was nothing like it.

And I and I felt like I was a part of something much much bigger than me. And I and I bought the package and my and my life is changing every day and it's getting better and better. And and I'm going places, you know, I was on the I was in Hong Kong one time uh and the day I got there, I went to a meeting.

There was three goddamn people in that meeting, including me. And we had to wake one of them was asleep on the couch in the meeting room. We had to wake him up to start the meeting.

and he woke up and he said, "I know you." And I said, "No, you don't. I'd never been here before in my life." And he said, "Your sponsor is a guy named Don. You spoke at the St.

James Church in Newport Beach 6 months ago. I was there." And it happened to me in in a place called uh uh in Ken May, Ireland. And it's happened to me all over the place.

You know, wherever I go, we find each other. And I've had that experience. And I've seen lives change.

And I've seen broken men and women picked up and put back together. And I saw all that happen. And I saw it happen to me and I saw it happen to you.

But after about 10 12 years, I became so successful I started believing my own And pretty soon I had a big job in a little tiny program. And by the time I was 15 16 years sober, it wasn't that important for me to go to meetings unless I was the main speaker. At about 17 years, 18 years sober, it wasn't important for me to call you.

And I don't know where my, you know, I had a first edition big book, but I hadn't opened it in years. And uh and like I think 18 and 19 I don't think I took a cake. And pretty soon I'm living with untreated alcoholism because I'm so far away from you because I'm not doing any of the things that I did that got me there.

And I never stopped loving you and I never stopped talking about guys like Nor Malpie and what he meant to us in those days. Um but I'm far away and I'm living in fear and I don't even know now. look back now and and know I can remember times sitting in rooms with people at dinner table at a dinner table somewhere and just be full of fear and and not know why and think I got to get a handle on this thing and and haven't completely forgotten that the answer's always been God.

It's always been God, but I'm so disconnected because you are always my connection to God and uh and I'm not with you anymore. And the day came, you know, the book says that the the day will come when the only thing standing between you and that drink is God. And I didn't have a God anymore.

I'm out of the country and they're pouring drinks and I had them pour one for me and I picked it up when I and I downed it three months before my 20th birthday. And I'm ashamed to stand up here and tell you that. I don't I didn't come here to say that slipping is a part of sobriety because it's not.

It's a part of alcoholism, but it's not a part of sobriety. And there's nothing in our book anywhere and there's nothing in my experience that says you got to do that because there's plenty of people I know that have been here 30 40 50 years and they never took another drink because like Troy said they stayed in the middle of the program. But I didn't.

And I thought I could keep it a secret. But in you know in in about a month's time I'm rolling down I'm living in the in the biggest house yet with the youngest future ex Mrs. Kanan ever and and we can afford to go wherever we want to go and do whatever we want to do.

Uh, but I'm rolling down the hill early in the morning and I'm leaving for work extra early because I got to hit the 7-Eleven and guzzle down some uh mouthwash to get some alcohol in my body that doesn't smell like boozy to get my hands to stop shaking. And I only been out about a month and I'm taking drugs and I'm doing all kinds of stuff. And pretty soon I lost her and I lost my house and I lost my career and I lost my kids and I lost everything.

And you know, I used to look down my nose, by the way, at the junkies that were around here because I'd shot some dope, you know, I'd slung some dope when I was young. But when I came here, I was a garden variety grape. But by the time I'd been out for two years, I was a 50-y old heroin addict.

And I'm living in a place that I'm about to be evicted out of over on the other side of North Hollywood. And I can't find another vein, but it never stops me. And I can't choke down anymore that warm vodka.

But I just hang in there cuz I I feel so far away from you. I remember standing out in front of a meeting on a Monday night with my sponsor and my sponsor is looking at me and he says, "I can't be your sponsor anymore, Jeff. I love you and I want to believe you, but I'm afraid I'm killing you because I I keep taking you back and and you just don't seem to make it and I can't stand to watch it anymore.

It's breaking my heart and I'll always love you and I'll always be your friend, but I can't be your sponsor and I can't watch you do this." And I cried, not because he left me, but because I felt so far away from you and there was no way I was ever getting back here. I went back that and I went back to that house and I went there to die and I shot dope around the clock and I drank around the clock and I'm walking around. And I'm selling guns to make some money, Mr.

Big Shot. I got no car. I got no insurance.

I got no money. And I'm walking around this house with a loaded 45 in my pants cuz I'm just waiting for that moment when I get enough booze in me or enough drugs in me. And I put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger cuz I know I'm never ever getting back here.

And a friend of mine, there was a this uh guy, he was a newcomer, this Israeli guy named Shahar. And Shahar used to come over to my house every day. And he'd say, and everybody else had sort of given up because I'd broken their hearts.

And he used to come every day. One time he was over there and I was jacking around in this uh well I can't I shouldn't say what it was but I was jacking around in this thing and and it was I thought it was jam I thought well maybe it's not in there and I pulled the trigger and it went like that and uh and the bullet went right next one bullet went right next to his foot and he said I got to go and uh and what happened was he went back home and he called his sponsor you know and he said uh his sponsor said how'd it go today because Shahar came to see me every day to tell me that I can make it back to Alcoholics Anonymous and he said I can't go back up there cuz I'm either going to get shot or I'm going to get loaded. And his sponsor said, "You know what, Jiard?

That's bullshit." Haven't you read the book? The book says, "You can go to the most sorted place on earth and have no fear as long as your motives are right." And your motives are right. You want to get your friend back to AA.

So, you get back up there and you tell him that we're waiting for him. And I've never even met that guy, but I owe him my life as he came back up there and eventually took me to meet a guy named Buddy Arnold. And I went to see Buddy and I had booze on my breath and then blood on my shirt and uh and my my daughter had to drive me down there cuz I had no car.

My 19-year-old daughter who found me unconscious with a needle in my arm and an empty uh bottle laying next to the sofa and thought I was dead. And she took me down to meet this little old guy named Buddy Arnold. And uh but he was a great great guy.

And you know, when I went to his uh service when he passed away a couple years ago, I worried he was going to step up and take his place because he meant so much to so many of us. He did so much for us. He gave so much.

And um he called my friend afterwards and he after he met me and he said, "I got no reason to believe that guy's going to make it. I think he's two days from dead and I don't think he's ever coming back. I think he's uh he was here too long and he's been gone too long and too much has happened.

But, uh, I can't stand the thought of that little girl being orphan, so I'm going to give him a shot. And I blew my chance to go to detox. Uh, and I went and I jumped right back out.

And I called him about 10 days later and he said, "I'll put you in uh, and cryelp." And I he said, "Have you been clean?" And I said, "Yeah." And he knew I was lying. And he said, "Okay. Uh, no detox, but you can go into residential." And so he put me in cryelp for 25 days.

And uh, I got up that day. Uh, and I don't know, you know, I used to have a lot of theories about why I got up that day and came back. Um, because I'd never been able to do it before.

I just wasn't physically able or mentally able to come back to you. Um, and I had a lot of theories about whether I'd hit bottom or what had happened or who had talked to me or uh, and it wasn't until uh, about nine months after I came back that uh, I was talking to Patty one night and at this meeting when it was over in Sherman Oaks and she said, "You know, um, when you were out there, Marie prayed for you every day for two and a half years that you would come back and stay with us." So now I know why I'm It was the answer to a prayer and it wasn't even mine. Thank you, Marie.

And I came back here and I, you know, I got up that day and I shot dope and I drank a half a pint of vodka and two quarts of beer and I smoked some crack and I came to rehab and uh and I tell you that uh I tell you that not to be glib. Uh but that's what we do. it.

And uh oh, I said it again. But I tell you that so that you know that that's how I got through the first day. You know, I had just enough I made that first arc and Mike was there.

Uh my friend Mike was there and other friend um big Mike who there was a guy there that I'd known since I was 12 years old and I showed up that day and I I got through that first day and they put me up on the fourth floor and I'm I'm yakking away. I'm Mr. Happy golucky.

Uh and uh and the next day I woke up and I was really sick. Not just physically sick, but I was emotionally sick. And that was the worst pain of all because the next day all I could do was lay on that bed and cry.

And the only prayer I could manage was please cuz I hurt so bad. Cuz I saw my life as it really was. And I saw myself as I really am.

And it was the loneliest, scariest place I've ever been in my life. And there's not a man or a woman in this room that doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's that moment of clarity when we really see ourselves and what's happened to us.

And you know, uh, I had no reason to believe that I was ever ever going to be able to be a a man among men and a a member of this program. and a and a husband and a father and all those things. Again, you know, the best I could hope for is I laid on that bed, you know, and I've been to a lot of meetings and I talked in a lot of places, but I think for the first time in my life, I fully comprehended the second step.

I fully comprehended the only chance I had at any kind of happiness or any kind of peace or any kind of wholeness was if I found some way to get close to God. Because if I could find that way to get close to this God we've all been talking about, it wouldn't matter where I worked or where I didn't work. It wouldn't matter that I didn't have a car, I didn't have any money.

It wouldn't matter that I didn't have her anymore. It wouldn't matter that I didn't have a house. It wouldn't matter.

All it would matter was that I would feel good because I'd be close to him. And I had to have that thing because it was the only thing I could dare dream of. And so I sought out from that day forward to try and find that God.

And I came back to you guys and you guys showed me where he was. I was sitting in a room one time and I heard a lady say, "The measure of my my anxiety, the measure of my hopelessness, the measure of my desperation is equal to my distance from God." And so I start trying to find out how do I get closer to him. One day I'm standing with another guy and and my friend Tommy Fidelli, they're in the back.

And Tommy said to this other guy, this guy was we were running down about what a bunch of lops everybody was and how bogus they were. And Tommy said nothing for the longest time. And after about 10 minutes of our chatter, Tommy said, "I think I'll be measured today by what I do and not by what I say." And later I said to my friend Ronnie, I said, "Did you hear what Tommy said?" And he said, "Tommy's crazy.

Don't listen to him." And and um but I couldn't stop thinking about it. And you know what? I didn't raise my hand for two and a half years.

And I don't think anybody went home from a meeting one night saying, "God, I wish he would have raised his hand tonight." You know, uh and I didn't. And what happened was I heard some remarkable stories. And I heard some remarkable things from from from remarkable people and I and I started finding you know there are people I believe in Alcohol X anonymous you know Dick Jay says that 10% of the people do 90% of the work and I think there's an even smaller percentage of that there are people that are living this thing and doing this thing on a higher plane better than I'll ever do it and and I'm I'm not one of them and uh I don't know that I don't think I'll ever be one but God do I love being around them.

I love finding out what they do and how they do it and you know and you guys when I came back you put your arms around me and you said this is how we do it and this is where we go and this is what we read and then we do it for others and if you do that everything in your life will change and I didn't come back here trying to tell anybody by the way that I had 20 years um and I hear by the way I hear a lot of it seems like a couple years ago there was a lot of people people that we know and people that we care about were going out with four years nine years 14 years and they would come back into the program into the rooms and well-meaning people would say, "You know what, Lou? You didn't really lose those five years." You know what, uh, Rob, you didn't really lose those 11 years. I got news for you.

You lost those 11 years. They're gone. They're never coming back.

I came back here with no days. I came back here with no years. And I let you guys teach me, not by choice, because that's just the way it happened.

And you guys got me involved. They needed somebody to get the cookies. You know, my ex- fiance came by when I I was in Angel House.

uh Buddy was paying for me to go and let me say one more thing about Buddy. You know, uh when I started working again, you know, about some months later, I started working and I made it a point to try and pay. Buddy paid $2,000 for me to go into into Cry Help.

And when I get some money together, I go down there and I'll never forget one time I went down there and I had a check for $250 whole American dollars that I was going to give, buddy. And I felt like King Kong, you know, uh Mr. Mr.

high roller just blew into the map office and I'm going to give buddy of my 250 bucks and he walks and I walked in and he goes, "Hey, how you doing?" And he was really, you know, he acted really happy to see me. And I'm whipping out this check and all of a sudden this other girl puts her hand on the phone and she goes, "Hey, so and so just called from whatever label and they're going to give you they're going to give us $25,000." And that check looked like the size of a postage stamp. You know what I mean?

like and and Buddy was all excited, you know, and he goes and then he goes, "Yeah, that's great. Oh, great. That's great." And he turns around, he goes, "What brings you here today?" And I, you know, uh and and he made just a big a fuss over that $250 check as he did over that $25,000.

And I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that. He was a hell of a guy.

Um he was a giver. Um but I, you know, I was living in this halfway house that he put me in there. And uh I always tell this part, too.

I was um I turned 51 about 3 weeks after I got there and I'm thinking I'm pretty washed up and my ex- fiance I'd set her up in this business when we were together and and uh she was making a lot of money and she was a millionaire at that time and she came by in her new Mercedes and gave me a bicycle for my 51st birthday. And it was a crappy bike, too, by the way. Was a beach cruiser.

I'm in the valley. It was gold. You could see it for a block.

And my loser cruiser. Um uh and I'm riding it, you know, to help a guy scrub swimming pools. And I'm uh and then somebody found me and they said, "I got a little work for you if you can behave yourself." And uh and I swallow my pride.

I went down. I worked for her sometimes. And uh I remember one day the guy that owned the company, she said, "Hey, Craig's going to come over today and he wants to see you." And I thought, "Oh, this is going to be trouble because he knows about me." because everybody knew about me and I was a big deal and I treated everybody like and then I was um then I wasn't a big deal anymore and I thought this guy was going to come over and tell me to get the hell out of his place and he came over and uh he said how you doing and uh cuz his his office is in another building and he came over that afternoon and I worried about it all day and he said how you doing and I said uh I'm okay and he said I'm glad to see you and he said um I got to ask you something is that your bike locked up out And I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "Uh," and I felt about that big.

And he said, "You know, it's raining." And if you want, I'll have somebody drive you home after work. And I said, "No, it's okay." And I wrote home in the rain. But I'll never forget his generosity that day.

Because it was totally unexpected and probably undeserved, but that's what happens to us here. And and little by little, you guys help me put a life back together. And uh And one day I'm, you know, I met a girl and she had no days and I had five months and I 12stepped her at gunpoint.

It's a long story, but I I have a big book study every Sunday night at my house. I've been through that book a dozen times in the last couple of years alone. And it doesn't say anywhere that you can't take a a gun on a 12step call, but that's probably a story for another time.

you know, um, one time I was I was about two years sober and I I started working at a place, you know, that was kind of like what I used to do and I thought I was back on the road to being on top and I was um I was getting a little bit of big shot itis and I was angry all the time and uh and I'm in this place and I get a call that the chairman wants to see me at 8:00 on a Monday morning and I thought he was going to make me boss of the whole thing and uh and I went up there and uh he didn't do that. He told me he was going to let me go and I laughed and I said, "Come on, quit around." and he said, "No, I'm serious. I'm letting you go." He wasn't around.

I I was there at 8. I was out the door by 8:15 and uh and on my way home and and uh I had plenty of time to make a 9:00 a.m. meeting and and I you know that night was Monday night and I'm sitting in our group uh at the chapter 12 men's day and there was a guy in our group named Joe and Joe had uh Joe has a son and Joe Joe's son was hurt in a football accident and before they could get into the hospital he was in a coma and the first person Joe called was his sponsor Dave who called some guys who called some guys who called some more guys who called some gals pretty soon the place was full of people from Alcoholics Anonymous and uh Joe had so many visitors all the time and got so many phone calls and there were people in other groups who've never met Joe and never met his son Nikki who were praying for Nikki for his recovery.

He was in a coma for four and a half months. I tell you that because that night uh they called on Joe because Joe could never it was impossible for him to return everybody's phone call and um and I'm still looking for that person that I want to be here in Alcohol X anonymous. I still haven't clicked in.

And I'm doing the work, but I'm not really feeling the whole thing. And uh and I'm sitting in this room and I'm worrying about me and my life. And I got this new gal and uh and we're putting this life together, but now I got no job and things aren't looking very good.

And I'm in my 50s and I'm thinking maybe my life really is over. And and they called Joe that night and Joe got up to the podium and he told us what was happening with Nikki and that he was still in a coma. And he mentioned that I think that Rich H had been across and they hung it over his bed.

And then he's given us so he's because everybody there's 110 guys in that group from all different walks of life and uh and he stopped in the middle of whatever he was saying and he looked at this one guy in our group and he said I want to thank Biff because I didn't even know Biff before this happened. He was just another guy I saw at the meetings. But Biff has been there every day and I don't know what I do without you and I love you Biff and my family loves you.

And I saw in that exchange between those people, the person that I wanted to be, not by anything somebody told me to do, but by what they did and not what they did for themselves, but what they did for somebody else. I saw that guy Biff and I looked around that room and I saw the other guys and how they felt about it. And I realized that's the part that's the thing that I'm missing.

That's the that's the hole that I want to be a part of. That's the hand that I want to hold. That's the way I want to feel.

And uh and I started doing that wherever possible. Whenever somebody asked me to do something, I do it. I flew 16 hours today.

I don't feel like coming in here and putting on another goddamn suit, you know, and doing this. But it's what I do. I don't feel like driving 4 hours to go to CMC prison on a Friday night to talk for 10 minutes and get in a car and drive four hours back.

But whenever I do it, I feel better. And I love those guys. You want to meet a pillar of AA?

go on to the CMC panel to the Big Four fellowship at the California Men's Colony and and meet a guy named Roger. He's a pillar of Alcoholics Anonymous. He's been down for 31 years.

And you know what his biggest priority is in there? Carrying the message to other guys who can't go to that group. There's 150 guys in that room and 100 people on a waiting list to get there that can't get there.

There's lower functioning guys and higher security guys that can't come to that meeting. and he takes the meeting to them and they print up their little flyers and they go down there with their books and they get us to bring them chips and they carry the message of alcoholics and homies. That's a pillar of AA.

Uh, and when I do that, I feel a part of something bigger. I know a guy named Bill Cleveland. Bill's a big speaker.

You probably had him up here. And Bill says that God lives in the spaces between me and you. That if I want to get close to God, I got to get close to you.

And the closer I am to you, the closer I am to God. And that's where I feel it. I don't get it when I'm reading a spiritual book.

I don't get it when I'm praying or I'm meditating. I work on that but it just it's not the same. But right after I've been with you or sometimes even when I'm with you, Bob and I were talking about a guy named Patrick.

He comes into my house on Sunday nights and his first night there. He was just back just out of jail and we're reading the big book and he says, "I don't know what a spiritual experience is." And I said, "You want to hear something really bitching? I'm having one right now.

And someday you will, too. And here's what it's going to feel like. You're going to have this feeling well up inside of you.

And it might happen when I'm standing here right now. It might happen when I'm in my car tomorrow. It might happen when I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore.

It might happen anywhere. It might happen in a parking lot after we've just, you know, uh when Troy and uh Tony and I go up to this meeting once a month. It'll happen in the parking lot or it will happen in the car.

on the way home and this feeling comes up over me and it's I can remember every happiness and every heartache I've had in one moment and I feel them all and my tears well up with gratitude and I have this overwhelming sense of love and appreciation for everything and everybody and I can see everything the way it really is and and appreciate it and understand that know that it's in perfect order and and it's it's complete and total happiness and gratitude and I start crying and sometimes I start sobbing and sometimes it'll last for minutes on end and it's scary um because I'm not used to it all the time. You know, I'm much more used to it now. And I think, by the way, that that's a little bit how God feels when he watches us, when he sees us together, when he sees what we do for each other.

And in this group, um uh like I said, there's guys that belong to the same golf club and country club, and there's guys that both did time on the same number four yard. There's guys there was a couple guys there that both did time in the shoe and uh and the the captains of industry never asked me to be their sponsor. I always get convicts.

I get brain damage Larry. I got on ramp ridge. I get, you know, I get this collection of guys and they come through my life and sometimes they stay and a lot of times they don't.

Um but they're my guys. And um one time Billy the convict called me and he said uh he was he works at PIP and Billy called me and he said, "Hey, I got a guy. He just got out of Pelican Bay.

He's perfect for you. He needs a sponsor. Can you come over?

And I and I went over and I sat down with this guy and he's got big black swast peeking out from underneath his white beater. And he uh and I asked him, I gave him the AA interview and I said, "Hey, have u have you ever been to an AA meeting before?" And he said, "No." And I said, "You didn't go in the joint?" And he said, "No, I couldn't." And I said, "That's I know guys doing life there going to meetings." And he said, "Not in the shoe, you can't." And I said, "You were in the shoe?" And he said, "Uh, yeah, two and a half years." And he stumped me with that one. I didn't have any snappy comebacks, you know.

So I said, "Oh, well, you must be about a serious dude." and he leaned over the table and assured me that he was, you know, and uh and I said, you know, uh if I'm going to be your sponsor, uh I'm going to ask you to do some stuff and you're going to think it's lame or you're going to think it's gay or you're going to think it's stupid and you're going to look right through me, but if I'm going to be your sponsor, I expect you to do it or you can get another one." And he said, "Okay, I can do that." And I said, "I'm serious about that." and he said, "Uh, look, man. I don't care what you ask me to do. I just don't want to go back to the penitentiary again." Now, that's the wrong reason, right?

How do we know? You know, I don't think God gives a what our motives are. We're either doing good or we're not.

Uh, I don't care. I don't believe that. You know, I don't think that addicts are going to ruin alcohol alcoholics anonymous.

Frankly, I think apathy will ruin Alcoholics Anonymous a lot faster than that. And uh and I I've been one. So I know um that's my experience.

Anyway, fig maybe that's an opinion I should shut up. But you know what? I'll tell you something.

I was waiting for just the right guy. So I'm going to do that guy the way my sponsor did me. And one day I'm picking him up.

And I know in my mind we're going to go do his third step. We're going to get down on our knees and we're going to hold hands. This guy's a validated gang member.

Um he's he's a shot caller. He's got some horsepower and um and he's a serious dude and and we're on our way down to Little Brown Church cuz we're going to get down on our knees and hold hands and I haven't told him that yet. And I'm waiting for just the right minute to tell him that that's what we're going to do.

And pretty soon I pull into the parking lot of Little Brown Church and I haven't told him the right moment hasn't come up, you know, and and uh and we pulled in and I told him what we were going to do and I said, "I know you don't believe in God and I know you got your reasons, but how do you feel about prayer?" And he said, 'I told you when we started out, I'd be willing to do anything. So, I guess I got to be willing to do that, too. And we went in there and we had that experience together that I've had with a dozen other guys.

You know, we got down there and we held hands and we kneel down and we said the third step prayer and uh and I watched his life change one more time. You know, you can't get here from where he came from. You just can't do it.

And last year on December the 17th, I was at dinner with a guy from work and my cell phone rang and I saw it was him and he said, "Guess what? I got a year today." And I'm going back to see my mom tomorrow. I haven't seen her in 14 years.

She's living in Tennessee with her new husband. And I'm kind of nervous about it, but uh but I know it's going to be okay. And on Christmas day, last Christmas, I called him.

I went out in the backyard where I could get some peace and I called him and I said, "How's it going?" And he said, "It's okay." And I said, "How are things with your mom?" and he said, "It's okay. Uh, it's a little dicey, but it's okay." And uh, he said, "She wants to talk to you." And I never met this lady before. And she got on the phone and we made small talk about the weather and about it being Christmas.

And then it got quiet and she said, "This is the greatest Christmas present I ever could have had. I waited 14 years for this day, and I want to thank you and your friends for what you did for my son." That's Alcoholics Anonymous. Now whether your name is Phil or Monica or whatever your name is, wherever you go, people will know that you don't have to die from alcoholism, people will know that you can lose a friend, you can lose a wife, you can lose a child, you can lose your mother, you can lose a job, and you don't have to ever take another drink.

You don't have to want to take another drink. And and whatever this thing is, you know, that we're a part of, it just gets bigger and bigger the more we give into it. The more we're a part of it, the bigger it gets.

the more I'm with you, things become possible for me that aren't possible otherwise. I woke up this morning in Singapore on the other side of the world. And I woke up and I'm tired and I'm cranky and things are going on at work and I'm scared.

And I'm going to go to the House of, you know, the original House of Parliament on Singapore and give this speech to 300 Asian people from I don't I don't know any of them. And and I got there and I went to in my jacket to pull out a pen and I found a note from my wife and it says, "I love you. You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Knock them dead. Love low. And that's the kind of that happens to me on a daily basis.

Those are the kind of gifts I get. And all I do is give a little bit. You know, all I do is is is watch you and pretend I'm you sometimes and do what you do.

I see you put your hand out for somebody. I see you put away the chairs. And I want to be like you.

Thank you so much for this life. God bless. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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