Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hello family.

I'm an alcoholic named Joseph and I state my disease first because I have a tendency to forget. And uh you know somebody I'm going by some suggestions. My sponsor told me that uh don't worry about what to say.

you just whenever you get up there, you'll get the words and that way you stay honest and you speak from the heart. But he also told me that uh if you don't know what you're going to say, you should probably just shut up. But I know that I'm supposed to share my experience, strength, and hope and and since the uh the room is G-rated, I am going to keep my profanity to a minimum and and sometimes that's difficult for me.

So if I say anything offensive, you can be assured that's me. And if I say anything enlightening that you thoroughly enjoy, you can give that credit to my higher power. And uh you know, I'm sober today and I am more than blessed today.

I'm sober through the fellowship of my higher power and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous did for me what I could not do for myself. It gave me a new chance at life.

It gave me a chance to live life on life's terms. And uh for that, I am truly grateful. And uh to just say that I'm grateful doesn't even begin to compare.

And you know, part of our steps is that we carry this message onto other alcoholics. So, you're going to hear me talk a lot of uh the pathway to self-acceptance because I have I have accepted myself today. And I like to see other people recover from this disease and find that self-acceptance that find that way of living that uh does not involve a bottle in your hand.

you know, and uh I guess you guys want to hear me qualify. Uh you know, it's I got seven master's degree, one from Yel, one from Harvard, and one from God. I'm uh I got three degrees in psychology and uh and pharmaceutical and all that other stuff.

So, I'm I'm entitled to talk about whatever subject I feel like talking about today. But no, all in all reality, you know, as far as qualifying, I drank for over half my life. My first drink, I remember, was at my uh my aunt's wedding at a bonfire.

And and like any real alcoholic when they took the bottle away from me, seems how I was only a child, I was a little bit resentful. But I whenever I wake up in the morning all day long for years, all I thought about was was just how I could catch that buzz from the time I got up to the time I went to sleep. That's how I live my life.

That's all I knew. And I woke up one day, I was in jail and I, you know, I asked somebody what time it was and they said, "Well, you ought to be more worried about what day it is. You've been asleep for 3 days." And I looked around the room and and I spent about a week trying to figure out where the refrigerator was so I could find some beer.

Really had no idea where I was at or what I was doing. My whole body hurt for weeks. And uh I'd sit most of the most of the time on the toilet and then when my legs would hurt too bad, I'd have to get up and roll around in the floor for a little bit and then get back up and sit back on the toilet.

And uh so yeah, I think I do qualify for this uh this little speaker meeting here. I did a whole lot of throwing up in my day. Uh my body hurt a lot, you know, and uh I spent a whole lot of money just trying to to get here.

I've heard some people say, you know, Joseph, you're still a young whippers snapper and I probably spilled more bill booze than you. And well, maybe that's my problem. Maybe I didn't spill enough booze.

Maybe I drank too much and I got here too soon. Too soon because I come into recovery at a very young age and I'm kind of like a miracle in progress because uh I'm one of those people that I I I have not felt the necessary to uh to drink again. And I mean I I tried recovery years before without AA and it never worked.

It never worked. This is the only solution for an alcoholic of my type that I have found that truly works. So I to say that I am grateful to AA is just an understatement.

Um, you know, whenever I uh when I finally decided that I was completely hopeless and and that everything had been lost, you know, and I had tried to make the decision to turn my my will and my life over to God without any kind of avail. He kind of uh placed an alcoholic in my path. There's a guy I mean, if you knew this guy, you either you either loved him or you hated him.

and and most the people that I knew, they all loved him. Thought he was the greatest person in the world. He was just one of them people that he got along with just about anybody.

And he was sitting in my cell. We was in prison. He was sitting in my cell talking.

And my was pretty sick. And he was telling him about Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was the first time I had ever heard that, you know, about Alcoholics Anonymous.

And to hear this guy talk, it just kind of like blew my mind because, you know, he wasn't no saint. I mean, he didn't have all his character defects removed, but I mean, he could just he could share things about himself that, you know, just blew my mind. There was it was like there was no fear in this guy.

There was no, you know, he didn't hold resentments. There was just something about his persona that just said, you know, he's got something I want. And, uh, I'm truly convinced that he got it NA.

The only the only problem with the guy is he he was still insane and he knew that as soon as the doors opened up to that prison, he was going to go back out there and he was going to find him some crack rocks and a and a couple bottles of gin and and he was going back to town. And I and I knew I was doing the same thing. I think that's one of the reasons we got along so good is cuz we knew we was hopeless, you know, but uh he said, you know, check out them AAA meetings when you get out there.

It'll get you a new network of people and all that other good stuff. and uh you know so I checked out the meetings there in the joint and I walked in the rooms and I and the first person I heard sh was this guy he was getting ready to go home from the joint and uh he just rambled on for like 15 minutes about how sick he was, you know, he was getting ready to get out and he's like, "Man, I'm getting out there. I'm going to go get drunk and all this other stuff." And I mean, he was crying through the share.

And when he was done, they just went on about the meeting. They didn't, you know, give him any kind of words of encouragement, no advice, no nothing. And I was just like, "Oh my god, what is wrong with these people?" You know, I I really, I guess, you know, I I didn't understand the situation.

Of course, us being in there, it wasn't none of us had worked the steps. And so at the end of the meeting, I I got up and I looked everybody in the eye and I told him flat out, I said, "You know, I don't know what's wrong with you people, but that guy was sitting there crying for help and it wasn't none of you offering to help him." And uh so I decided that that the people in Alcoholics Anonymous were sick people and they needed my help. And I I did come in with a desire to stop drinking.

I did not, however, come in with a desire to stop using drugs. That was a completely separate issue. We had uh we had one AA meeting a week.

We also had a one meeting for a different fellowship and I did not want to go to that other fellowship because I had no intentions on stop using drugs. But I had a desire to stop drinking and I come in here and I sat and and somebody would had tried to convince me that it was all the same. And and it's not.

It's not all the same. Um, we have a message and we carry this message. That is part of our 12 steps is that we carry this message and we practice these principles in all our affairs.

And we have some traditions around here that I believe hold this group together and is part of the reason that Alcoholics Anonymous is still alive today. If it, you know, if it wasn't for the traditions, you guys probably would not be able to put up with me. And I'm I'm amazed that some of you are able to put up with me as it is.

But uh you know I come and I listened and and and of course me being the alcoholic I am you know I I always wanted to to get in there and share. I mean I live for this. I could not wait to get up here and do some speaker meetings.

I don't know about the rest of you but I get up here and I'm not nervous. I don't have to go pee. You know I I just I live for this to carry the message to to the still suffering alcoholic.

This is this is what it's all about. If you're new, you keep coming back. I don't care how scared you are of of, you know, public speaking or whatever the case may be.

There will come a day where you're going to be asked to do this. And, you know, before it's all said and done, you are going to feel like you accomplished the greatest thing in the world because truly this is as good as it gets right here, you know. And uh so I sat in the rooms and and I finally somebody had got up and they shared a little simple message that said uh you don't ever have to drink again.

And that kind of like hit a spot for me. And I heard all these people this, you know, these people ain't even worked the steps and they're talking about 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. You got to work the steps in order and you got to do this and you got to work the steps.

And I mean, I'm looking at these steps and and uh I know everything there is to know about these steps, of course, you know, because I'm new. I I just knew everything. I knew about all the steps and I I even knew about the ones that did not apply to me.

And those were like the sixth and seventh. I didn't think the sixth or seventh step really applied to me. And uh so I was not going to do them.

I was not going to do a fifth step. I was not going to do none of this stuff. I was not going to get a sponsor.

I was just going to work steps one, two, and three. I might even skip around and go from uh 1 to 9 to 12. I'm I surrender.

I'm sorry. Here's a solution. And I come in the rooms and uh and I told everybody how it was.

And everybody just kept smiling and they kept telling me, you know, Joseph, what a wonderful share. We're glad to have you here and all this stuff. And uh I I just you know I kept coming back you know whenever I finally got to the streets.

Uh I come out here and of course I had all the answers. I remember my I went to one meeting though and uh I got a a coin for uh being three years sober and and I told the guys I said uh I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know anything. I really don't. and uh I need some help.

And didn't nobody offer me no encouragement other than just get a sponsor. And here I am. I'm sick and I'm new and I don't know none of these people.

How am I supposed to pick out a sponsor? Yeah, I want what you've got. Here I am.

I'm 26 years old. I'm looking around the room. There's a whole bunch of old people in the room.

You know, they got their glasses and their bald head and they're saying, "Well, if you want what we've got and are willing to go to any length to get it." I'm sitting there saying, "Heck no, I don't want what these people got." Half of them sound sicker than I am, you know, but they told me get a sponsor, man. That just it's I I didn't take the suggestion. I really didn't.

And uh so I went to some other meetings and I just carried the solution. And of course, me being an alcoholic that knew everything, nobody offered to reach out their hand to me. there.

There was one guy, he kind of wretched his hand out, but uh I really just wasn't interested in what he had to offer because most people didn't like him. Most of the people that went to the meetings just didn't like him. So, nobody else liked him.

Why should I like him? And uh he offered his I I I really believe that he offered his help. He never really said anything.

But uh I I just didn't take him up on it. And uh they finally come to the point where I gave up on AA. I said, "Hey, it does not work.

Those people don't care about me. I don't fit in with those people and I'm just not going back." And I sat here and uh there was some online chat rooms that was, you know, basically with people within recovery was the general theme. I mean, you couldn't tell.

All we talked about was like girls underweares and stuff like that, you know, but it was Friends of Bill W. And there was a guy in there. He just happened to have the same sobriety date as me.

And uh he reminded me, he said, "Joseph, you need to go to some meetings." And so, you know, I I went back to some meetings, one or two, and and uh New Year's rolled around. Oh, there was this girl that was in there and she was in recovery and and she told me about this program, POW Talk. And I'd heard about this POW Talk thing before and I heard bad things about the meetings over there.

So, I wasn't going to go check it out. But this girl told me about Paul talk and I came over here for the wrong reasons, you know, all the wrong reasons. I really did honestly.

But I noticed that they had some meetings over here. So I decided I was going to check them out. And I walked into a room and uh it was on New Year's Eve.

They was having a 24-hour alathon. And that was just like that was just like the greatest thing in the world. I love meetings.

I really do. I could go to 24 meetings a day every day if I could, you know. So, that was just like absolutely wonderful.

And and and the recovery in there was pretty good. And and they, you know, told me what wonderful shares I had and everything was be going to be all right and all that other stuff. And I said, you know, I can handle this.

I don't have to drive for an hour to go to these meetings. I can just sit at my house and go to meetings and it's still just as good. So, I I I gave AA another try and I kept coming back and uh finally somebody said, "Uh, Joseph, we got a group of guys getting together.

We're going to work the steps together. Why don't you come over here and and uh be a part of it?" And I said, you know, I could do that. I don't have to have somebody wa watching over my shoulder making sure I'm doing this stuff right, you know?

So, uh, I got involved in the group and we started working the steps together or at least we started studying the steps. That's that's the main thing. We started studying the steps and we got to about the second step and and there was a guy that I talked to on a pretty regular basis, you know, almost every day.

And uh, one day he called me on on my stuff. He said, "Uh, Joseph, you got a sponsor?" And I said, "No." And he said, "Well, you got one now." And that's how I got my first official sponsor. My first sponsor was that alcoholic way back in the day that never even came into a never even went to a meeting with that guy in prison, but I used to sit and talk to him about recovery and uh and he really had something that I wanted even though he was insane.

That I mean that's how sick I was back then. You know, the guy knew he was going back drinking and whatnot, but just the way that he carried his character defects was was something that I really wanted. And uh but anyway, my new sponsor that was actually in AA, we talked and we talked and uh he used to get all hyped up on coffee, right?

And he'd call me up. I think he called me more than I called him in the beginning there, but uh he'd get all hyped up on coffee and call me and we'd go through our war stories and we just had a good time with recovery. We'd laugh and we'd we'd badmouth other people and hey, honestly, I mean, we'd gossip about people, everybody.

It didn't matter who you were. If you was on some kind of crazy stuff, we would sit there and bad mouth you like you wouldn't believe. But I was sick and that's what I needed to do.

That's what I needed to hear. And for some reason, you know, just just the gratitude that I was not like those people kept me sober. And one of the things I liked about my sponsor was he was the sickest person I knew.

I mean, honestly, that's why he was my sponsor. I'll look around the room today and the sickest person in the room, that's my sponsor cuz I love working with alcoholics. I really do.

And uh yeah, he he kind of uh he kind of helped me out, but he told me a bunch of stuff, but I really couldn't hear nothing he was saying cuz I always had blinders on. You know, me being alcoholic that I am, I know everything. You know, I just absolutely know everything.

And everything he would tell me, I mean, I I pretty much already knew. But uh there come a point in in my sobriety when he passed away. And when he passed away, a lot of stuff that he had told me finally started to sink in.

Uh God granted me some kind of sick gift way back in the beginning to where I have a really good memory. And you'd be amazed some of the stuff that I remember of your shares. I mean, you might share something a couple months later, you don't even or even a couple hours later, you don't remember what you shared.

But there's a very good chance that I might remember what you was talking about. And it might take me weeks or months to to realize what you're talking about. But sometimes this stuff sinks in.

And even the stuff that I'm talking about tonight, I might change my mind about it in a couple weeks. You never know. I might have my mind set on one thing and then a couple weeks later, I've got my whole mind changed into a different thing.

But, you know, then them steps are powerful tools. And it wasn't until I I really decided that I just wanted to work the steps. You know, up until the point that I made that decision to work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was really just just sick.

I mean, I I I come in here and I work work the steps just based on uh just to make them people happy. Let's just make them happy. I'll work the steps, you know, or or I did it just just cuz I want to stay sober.

I just want to stay sober. I'm going to work these steps. And for some reason, I couldn't get it right.

My motives were all messed up. And I found out the more that I uh just thought about staying sober, the sicker I got. But whenever I decided that all I wanted to do was work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the problem seemed to have been removed.

you know and uh so that that first step today I look at it as just a problem statement it's just a problem statement it says that I I'm an alcoholic you know in the first step I surrendered in the second step I found hope and in the third step I found faith but going back to that first step you there come to a point where I realized that uh I was trying to to improve my my well-being based on a substance. I was trying to fix a feeling with a feeling. And and it and for alcohol, for an alcoholic like me, it will at some point in your life bring you to a low point.

It will bring you to a bottom. It put me on a toilet for days and weeks and weeks, you know. And uh like I said, my insanity when I first sobered up, I didn't know who I was or where I was or what I was doing.

I It took me a while to figure out that uh I didn't have any cigarettes in my pocket. I was wandering around trying to figure out where my beer was and and I didn't have any beer. I I really had no idea who I was or where I was going or what I was doing.

And all the decisions that I was making, I wasn't making them. The disease was making the decision for me. And I really did not comprehend back when everything seemed manageable how really unmanageable my life really was.

See uh inside my brain there are certain chemicals that my body requires. You know you can call them dopamine, you can call them serotonin or whatever the case may be. But I was trying to achieve those feelings with the use of alcohol.

And alcohol kept bringing me to a low point. It kept bringing me to a bottom. It kept bringing me to hangovers.

And uh waking up in in the morning and saying, "God, I can't believe I did that." And you know, waking up and saying, "Man, do I really have to serve seven years in prison?" You know, that's that's what alcohol did for me. And uh whenever I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew that I pretty much knew that I was hopeless. I was sick and I was hopeless and that was just the way it was.

And uh and I admitted that uh you know I I might be able to stay sober for a few weeks or a few months, but uh I was just going to be an alcoholic for the rest of my life. And in that in that second step whenever I heard that person get up and share that you don't have to ever drink again I found that there was a little bit of hope for me. I heard people talking about promises.

I heard people talking about you know that uh you know you can be restored to sanity and and clearly that's what it was. I mean wy coyote just did not compare to insanity whenever it comes to to me. I had wy coyote way beat.

I was just running around in circles doing the same thing repeatedly. The the crazy part of it, you know, we say insanity is uh doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different responses. I think that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly, knowing darn good and well what is going to happen.

You know that your life is going to go back to a bottom. You know you're going to go back to a low point. You know that you're going to get hung over, you know, or you're going to regret that last drink.

and you do it anyway. And our disease is so cunning and baffling and powerful that unless you just kind of, you know, ground your thoughts in something other than alcohol, you will drink again. Your thoughts have to be centered in in some other thought.

It has to be centered in some higher power, a different way of life. And and that's what the second step was to me. was to say that I could live life and I could get all these neurotoxins, these dopamine, these serotonins.

I could get these things some other way than alcohol. I just didn't know what yet. I had no idea how I was going to get them.

But in the third step, I found faith. In the third step, I said that uh, you know, I was going to stay sober no matter what. And I remember that.

I remember gritting my teeth and and being on that pink cloud and and saying, you know, no matter what, I'm going to stay sober. And it and it wasn't easy. I mean, it really was not easy.

The, you know, we have this third step prayer that uh that I think is, you know, really, I don't know how you want to say it. You want to call it religious or whatever the case may be. But to me the third step just simply says that I will work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I will go through the humbling, the admission, the restitution, the service work. I will do it. And that was my third step was whenever I said that uh you know I'll I'll do this not just for you but for for myself for my sobriety you know for every reason that I could possibly manage I will work the steps of alcoholics anonymous and so I set out on a on a course of rigorous action we talked about rigorous action you know and uh and I did it wasn't easy and I I complicated it.

I complicated the program as much as I possibly could. And and like I said, I was one of them people. I just wanted to know everything.

I had to know everything. So, I asked my sponsor every stupid question I could come up with. And he said, "Joseph, you're just thinking way too much." And I said, "Yeah, but I want to know this stuff so that whenever whenever the next person comes up, I'll know what to tell them." And uh he said, "You know, when that time comes, you'll have the answers." And uh that fourth step, you know, I'm I'm I will say this that uh I was a little bit confused by it at first.

Well, that's an understate statement. I was very confused by it. I didn't understand that I had fears.

You know, I didn't understand all that stuff, but uh I didn't understand that I was living outside of the now. And uh some of the things that he told me was uh to picture a timeline on the front of your desk and at one end is the beginning of time and at the other end is the end of time and somewhere in that timeline is Joseph and that is right now. That is the only place that Joseph can be is right now.

He can't be in the past. He can't be in the future. He just has today.

And when I started living life like that, I stopped thinking about what the past was like and how difficult the past was like and and how everybody treated me so badly. I stopped thinking about that because all I had was right now. All I could deal with was right now.

And right now, I wanted to be in the solution. I wanted to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. and I had to just put some things off to the side and say, "I'm letting this stuff go." And one of the ways that I work through a lot of my resentments and stuff was to just laugh at it.

I laugh at resentments today. Things that I think is just absolutely the worst thing in the world for people to do. I just laugh about it.

Say, "Man, look how sick they are, really." Cuz I mean, that's what it is. We're all sick. I do some sick stuff.

And and maybe someday you can laugh at me and say, "God, Joseph really is sick." you know and maybe that'll help you somewhere because uh it it helped for me and and whenever it comes to fears I am not afraid to share any part of my story with anybody. I really am not. And that is, you know, maybe just my ego that gets in the way, my pride.

But there is a good pride and there is a bad pride. And good pride can keep you sober. And we talked we talked about a spiritual awakening, me and my sponsor.

And uh he said, "Joseph, what do you have to do to receive a spiritual awakening?" And of course, I I come up with, you know, the textbook answer. I knew everything. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.

And he said, "You're missing something." I said, "What what am I missing?" He said, "Well, Joseph, how do you know you have that spiritual awakening if you can't explain it?" And I kind of pondered that idea there and I said, "You know, you may be right." Because if I've experienced a spiritual awakening, then I know my experience. I mean, this is my story. I mean, what do you want me to do?

Go get a new story? This is my story. It's a it's a pathway to self-acceptance.

It's how I come into to accept the fact that I could be happy, joyous, and free without the use of alcohol. This is how I did it. You know, it's not really, you know, nothing special.

But I did a fifth step and I did a couple of them. And my first fistep I did in the joint. And me and my buddy, we sat in there and we laughed and we laughed and we laughed and it was the greatest thing in the world.

And then we got up and we went and had cow and we come back and we laugh some more, you know. And that's that to me that's what a fifth step is all about. It's not a to give a morally deficient inventory.

It's to to state the truth to sort through the confusion in my life because I had a lot of confusion and and people was able to help me with some of that stuff. Some people had been through what I've been through and knew what I was going through and could tell you and tell me just, you know, Joseph, you're just you're just sick. Just just hold off.

Stop thinking so much. Because I really I sometimes I think way too much. I think way too much.

But that sixth step, that's that step that really I skipped and I skipped it and I skipped it. And the reason I skipped it was because I thought I could read it out of a book and I couldn't read it out of a book. There was there there is no sixstep in the book to be honest with you.

Okay. The six the sipstep has no action verb in it. It says that we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

It's a state of mind and it's a state of mind that I missed and I skipped it thinking that all I had to do was was what you guys asked me to do. If you guys told me to jump off the bridge and and if I jumped off the bridge, I would stay sober. I completely skipped it because I didn't realize there was nothing that I could do.

It was just something that just naturally happens. When I put down the drink, whenever I put my faith in a higher power, whenever I whenever I do the suggestions that are really outlined in our traditions and in our big book, then I reach a state of mind where it says that uh I'm just ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober, you know.

And in that seventh step, that's when we get down to uh sorting the the men from the boys, the alcoholics from the real alcoholics. I've I've talked to people I've talked to a lot of people in NAA and some of them just honestly make me sick. They come in here and they carry a a messed up message that says, "All you got to do is put the plug in the jug and you can stay sober." Or, you know, I worked the steps, but I didn't work my ninth step.

And those people make me sick. People that come into the program, they say, "Well, I I didn't drink every day, but I come into the program and and after the first meeting, you know, I the obsession was lifted." for a real alcoholic. I can't even imagine a real alcoholic even walking in the doors, you know, and unless they was just for some reason pushed in the door or maybe somebody gave them a beer and said, "Hey, let's go to a meeting." Whenever I was out there drinking, I could not go to recovery.

I could not go to any kind of rehab. I couldn't go in and ask somebody to help me. And no matter how much I wanted to, because there was times that I wanted to and I could not ask for help.

The disease had me that bad. I mean, I woke up thinking about drinking. I went to sleep thinking about drinking.

It was my whole way of life and that's all I wanted. So, for me to just come in the doors and say, "Well, you know, God, you know, just go ahead and and and remove all this stuff from me." You know, that's that's insane. And this course of action that we're talking about does not take a a really long time.

For some people, it it comes real quick. For some people, it comes real slow. For me, it took years.

It took years for before I was ever entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. And you know, whenever I do that sevenstep prayer today, I just ask God, you know, God, don't make me weird. I don't want to be weird.

I don't want to be like that guy. You know, in our sevenst step, we ask that God remove the defects of character from us that are blocking us of being of service to other people. God is not removing every defect of character.

If he did, he'd be taking away your self-will. And your self-will is what makes you special. It is what makes you an individual.

It is what makes you a masterpiece in God's eyes. And he's not here to to remove your self-will. He is just here to help guide you.

And so I ask him, I say, God, you know, let me hate the right people for the right reasons. You know, let me stand up to the right people for the right reasons, even if I have to be rude, you know, put point my lust in the right direction that I can be of service to other people, you know, that's kind of stuff that I ask God to do in my seventh step. And whenever it came to that eighth step, you know, it was one of those things it says to uh we made a list and we became willing.

And I thought that I had to become willing before I made the list. But in reality, you make the list and then you you are willing. Trust me, if you made the list, then you're willing.

But just make the list first. It's not that difficult. And the way I did mine was uh I just listed everybody I ever met cuz clear clearly I ruined your life.

I ruined my life. I ruined every his life, her life, and everybody's life that I came in contact with. And I figured that out in my uh in my fourth step because I had a resentment against the whole world.

I had a resentment against everybody, anything. If I turned on the TV and saw a commercial with some guy on the commercial, I was resentful at that person for some reason or another. Everybody that I ever came in contact with, I was either scared of them or I was mad at them or I was just resentful at life in general.

So, there's no reason in the world that I shouldn't list everybody that I've ever came in contact with. And uh on that ninth step when it comes to making amends, that is the key to this program. This is truly what will keep you sober is vigorous work with other people.

And hopefully that whenever I make amends to people because I'm not entirely through that list. I mean, it's going to take me a while. But when I make amends to people, I hope and I pray that I have no resentments that I'm holding on.

I have no character defects that I'm holding that are blocking me of being in fellowship with that person. When I go in there, sure, it's it's to sweep away my part, but I'm also interested in what I can do for the next person, what kind of resentments they're holding, what kind of fears they're holding, what do I have to do to make things right, because I've done messed up way too many times. And uh and I suffer from a disease called saritis, which means I say I'm sorry entirely way too much.

And therefore, in my recovery, I have tried to the best of my ability not to ever say sorry again. My I had a teacher in high school. He's he used to get on to people and they'd say they were sorry.

He say, "Don't ever say you're sorry." You know, what are you going to do when your wife comes home and she catches you in bed with some other girl? You going to say you're sorry? No.

Cuz you done used up all your sorryries. You done said sorry too many times and you used them all up. So, I don't try to use up all my sorryries.

So, there's a good possibility if somebody says hears me say I'm sorry, they probably believe me whenever I say it because I don't use that term. I I go through and I just find out, you know, what do I have to do to make this situation right? And I've had some interesting uh experiences with all that.

You know, I've got some uh some interesting stories that I could really go into. I've got some some pretty funny drunk logs I could tell you about to be honest with you. But I don't get into all of that unless you really want what I've got.

If you really want what I've got and you're willing to go to any length to stay sober, then uh we do have a solution for you. You know, it's we have a way of living that you can be happy, joyous, and free without the use of alcohol. Now, for a real alcoholic, there is going to be an obsession of the mind that could follow for years and years and years to be honest with you.

And some people never get it. And I truly believe that the ones that are just sitting around here saying, "Man, I just want to stay sober. Man, I just want to stay sober.

Man, I just want to stay sober." I think those are the ones that go back and drink. And that's just my opinion. And I may not necessarily be carrying the uh the message of Alcoholics Anonymous right now, but uh I'm just telling you what I believe.

And that is what I think is one of the key parts to staying sober. My sponsor told me way back, he said, uh Joseph, there's two things that you need to figure out. And the first question is who are you?

Not what are you, not what is your job description or you know where you know what's your name or any of that stuff. Just who are you really? And the next question is what do I believe?

Not what does he believe? Not what does she believe? What do they believe?

What does the big books believe? What do I believe? Because my faith is what is going to keep me sober when I come in here.

My pride directed me into reading that book. My pride and my ego said, "I am going to learn everything there is to possibly know about recovery." And that was God directing my pride in the right direction because I read the book. I studied the book.

I become very thoroughly involved with the book. And for some reason, my faith in that has helped keep me sober. And I and I never apologize for depending on my higher power.

If God puts me in a situation where I have to uh to be rude and hateful or whatever the case may be, I do not apologize for that. That's just the way I work my program and I stay sober. Whenever it comes to uh steps 10, 11, and 12, I will tell you this that I I am not ever going to be prepared to do them steps on my own.

As with any of these steps, I will never be able to to accomplish these steps alone. And uh we start doing steps 10, 11, and 12 in the door. Don't don't let anybody confuse you on that.

And and the way I and the way I see it, honestly, steps 10, 11, and 12 is just a simplified version of the rest of the steps. Uh step 10. And you know whenever they tell you to change people, places and things, that's a tenth step.

And they tell you that in the door. We admitted we were alcoholics. That's 10th step.

You know, that's taking personal inventory. The 10th step is not a moral inventory. It's it's a personal inventory.

And the way I work it is very simply. I do it on a daily basis. I ask myself, did I do something good for myself today?

Did I do something good for somebody else? And did I do something good for for my recovery? And as long as I answer those three questions, yes, then I feel like I've had a very good day.

I don't get into asking about fears and resentments or any of that stuff in the 10th step because that is not part of the 10th step. That's part of the 11th step. But we have a beautiful 11th step.

It's talking about prayer and meditation. And and you can't have meditation without some kind of prayer. You got to know what you're asking about, what what you're looking for before you start trying to talk to God about it.

And if you don't believe about in God, that's fine. You just keep coming back and you carry the message because you may be able to reach somebody that nobody else could. There might be somebody out there that is so sick that does not want to hear about God at all.

And you might be able to reach that person. And that is one of the beautiful things about Alcoholics Anonymous is that we have a message here like no other message. And it is this message.

It's not an ando message. It's not uh an alcoholic and this and that and everything else. It's this message.

And that's what I try to carry. I try to give the same message that was given to me. And in my 11th step, I meditate and I ask God, what is the message I'm receiving?

You see, I don't know what your conception of God is, but uh to me, it is a spoken word. If it wasn't for your words, your testimonies, I would not be sober. Your testimony is what sobered me up.

Somebody standing up in the room saying, "You don't have to drink no more." That sobered me up to a whole different outlook upon life that said, "I don't have to use nothing." That is going to put me back in prison. If it is going to bring my life to a point where I say, "This is a low point in my life. I don't have to do any of that stuff.

There was a guy, I'm not going to mention his name, but he was sitting in this garden and he said, "I pray not only for my disciples, but I pray for everyone that will be saved through their testimony." And that's why your words is my higher power. If you come in here and you will not share and you sit here and you just want to be a visitor, then you are not helping me one bit. But if you share something, no matter how sick and twisted it really is, then you you've accomplished something.

You have given this alcoholic what I need to stay sober. I can't just sit in a room and talk to myself and expect to stay sober. It just doesn't work.

Just like I can't sit in a room and and pray for a pizza and think I'm going to stay, you know, stay full. I've got to get out. I've got to put some service work in and I've got to, you know, do the best I can can do with what I've got.

And that's why I meditate and ask God for some kind of direction because I don't have it all and I need more and I need to be constantly, you know, renewed with with new thoughts because I forget a lot of stuff. There's times I forget I'm an alcoholic and it's through, you know, your your testimony and a whole lot of meditation that uh that I kind of stay on the straight and narrow. And today really the problem has been removed.

You know, I don't obsess about drinking. I can walk into bars or I could walk into liquor stores or I could walk into grocery store and walk down the liquor aisle. I do not have a problem with alcohol today.

But before that's all I knew my whole life up until the point that I come into AA was just I wanted to get drunk. Whenever I woke up in the morning, that was the first thing I ran to. And people didn't understand that.

And and you want me to touch on the save but dirty thing is very simply. I've had a couple people question me, why do you why are you saved but dirty? Because I do things that I know are not in the best interest of my higher power.

I sometimes I get resentful. Sometimes I get fears. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I run to is a cigarette.

And I know that that is probably me trying to fix a feeling with a feeling. And that's not necessarily good. And that's not self-acceptance.

But self-acceptance is the solution to sobriety. When you come in here and you can say that I love myself today and I had a wonderful day today, no matter how bad it gets, well then you know that you have been restored to sanity. Our third step is not about saying that I am going to be a successful business person or I'm going to be a success at anything.

It's just saying that I am going to accept life as it is. No matter what comes, no matter what happens, I accept it, you know. And so I made a decision real long, you know, a long time ago that said, uh, you know, I may not never be the richest person in the world.

I may not be the most successful person in the world. uh you know, I may not be some kind of saint, but no matter what, I'm going to do the best of my ability to stay sober. And uh the the best suggestion that you will find in Alcoholics Anonymous is that you continue continually work with people that need your help.

We have a responsibility clause that says when anybody anywhere anybody anywhere reaches out for help, want the hand of AA to be there. And for that I am responsible. And whenever I started getting outside of myself, when I started making those amends, when I started figuring out what was blocking me of being of service to these people and trying to remove this stuff and trying to uh to meditate with God and say, you know, what exactly do I need to tell these people?

What exactly do I need to do? You know, where have I been selfish? The problem just seemed to remove itself.

And uh the way I look at character defects today, I don't look at at them as necessarily being a bad thing. What I do ask is what are they based on? Are they based on my own selfishness?

That's a bad thing. If they're based on how can I be of service to you or somebody else, then that's not a bad thing. Whenever I come into the door, I was so sick.

I needed to hear sick people. You know, I my first meeting was what we considered to be a garbage dump. We just went in there, dumped a bunch of garbage and then we left the room and we come back and we dumped some more garbage.

And that's what I needed to hear because I was I was pretty sick and uh but you know that 12th step is uh you know it's it's it's the best suggestion out there. When you come out in the door, they tell you start doing some service work. Start getting outside of yourself.

Start getting out of your selfishness. Start getting out of your self-centered life. And that is the solution.

That is what is going to give you all them things that your brain is craving without the use of alcohol. I mean, there's going to be some other stuff to add it to it. You know, the meditation is going to be good for your brain.

you know, the spot checking and and asking myself, you know, what am I doing today? That that's going to be good for your brain. But honestly, I mean, I get I get high I get so high just working with alcoholics, working with a newcomer, that that is just like the greatest feeling in the world.

And I know I know for for this alcoholic, if I ever stopped, I wouldn't even come back. I wouldn't even come back to the rooms. And what's the point?

You guys don't listen to me anyway in here, you know. I just come in here, I mumble around, and everybody's like, "Oh, yeah, that was nice." You know, whatever. You know, and then I remind myself that because I remind myself that it's not all about Joseph today.

Joseph has some pride and some ego that gets in in his selfishness. And I don't want that in my selfishness. I'm not I'm you know I have some stuff that I I want to be the greatest speaker of all time and all that other stuff working in my brain and that's because my own selfishness that says I want to be a s a success in life and that's not what this program has to offer.

This program has to offer self-acceptance. It has to offer a way that you can be happy, joyous and free without the use of alcohol. And uh you know it's it's real important for me when I come in here and I walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that I practice the principles that you laid before my feet.

You know because we have, you know, we have traditions around here that I just absolutely love. One of them is that uh the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. And most people will tell you, well that means that I can share anything I want.

And that's not true. That means that you can share whatever you want. That doesn't mean that Joseph can share whatever he wants.

It says that you can share whatever you want. And I just have to put up with you. And hopefully someday you can uh can hear the message that I'm trying to offer.

And if I'm sick and suffering, maybe I can hear the message that you're trying to offer. But I truly believe that just because you walk in this door, and this is just my personal opinion, just because you walk in this door and you sit down and you drink a few beers, you are not an Alcoholics Anonymous member. I can walk around here all day and I can tell you that I'm a Muslim.

I'm a Christian. I am a I'm an astronaut. Just because I have a desire to be an astronaut does not mean that I am an astronaut.

Just because I have a desire to be God does not make me God. If you really want to be an AA member, you will practice these principles in all your affairs. You will work with other alcoholics.

You will make ninstep calls and you will clear away the wreckage of your past. You will ground your thoughts in another in another solution other than alcohol. And you will grow in that faith and you will become, you know, prideful.

You will come to find self-acceptance. I guarantee you, you will find self self-acceptance if you practice these principles. You're not going to be sitting around here saying, "Well, I'm sick and and I don't think I could get up there and share for an hour because it's easy.

This is not a difficult thing." I mean, sure, I could have come up here and I could have just tried to entertain you and made you laugh and all that other stuff, but this is a serious matter. I We got some people out there dying from this stuff and people are pushing them back out the doors. That's ridiculous.

You know, if I want to stay sober, then I have to get out there and I have to find these people and I have to tell them that we have a solution and that I need their help. I need somebody to call me on a regular basis and and ask Joseph what Joseph is up to. And if I ever want somebody to uh show up at my funeral, well then I better make some amends and start clearing away some of the wreckage, you know.

And if you and if you really if you come in here and you think that you can just uh share whatever you want and become an AA member, I think you're sadly mistaken because uh you will not get the respect that you're looking for and you will not get the respect of yourself. You're going to sit in here and you're going to mope in your disease. And your disease is going to be so cunning and baffling and powerful that you're going to sit here on a daily basis and say, "I just want to stay sober today.

I just want to stay sober today." And you'll lose it. You will lose it if your motives is not grounded in a higher power. If you're not here to say, "I just want to work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I just want to work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous." you will drink. And I guarantee you that. I'm not saying that this is the only solutions, but I'm saying that you are an al you are probably an alcoholic if you're here.

And no matter what you are, who you are, your body requires certain chemicals to the brain. And you can get them through alcohol. You can get them through working through with other newcomers.

You can get them through a hundred different ways. But we have clear-cut directions on how to recover from this disease. And if you want what we've got, then you better get with some people that's got it.

You don't necessarily have to want what I've got. I mean, there's days where I don't want what I've got. Sometimes I want what you've got because I, you know, I just want to hear your words.

I just want to hear your testimony. And that's that's what keeps me sober on a daily basis. And uh and I and I could probably ramble on for a whole lot longer, but I'm not going to.

I've already been selfish enough and I've already let my ego get in the way. And uh I just want to tell you guys that uh that I am sober today. And it is through your testimony.

It is through the fellowship of my higher power. It is through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that I am sober. And today I am more than blessed.

And I am not a miracle. Anybody can get this if they really want it. This is not a miracle thing.

If you if I got it, you can get it because I was as sick as they come. Take take my word on it. I mean, I realize that I'm young and and you probably got some war stories, too.

But if you want to hear mine, well, then get with me and I'll tell you exactly what I went through. But today, I carry this message. I don't carry a message filled with disease and and hatred and and all that other stuff that I that I carried in the past.

I let a lot of a lot of that stuff go. But I thank each and every one of you. And I I really want to thank the committee for having me up here.

I can't believe you asked me to come share. I don't know. I come in the room and they just they said, "Joseph, keep coming back.

We love you." And they'll tell you that, too. No matter how sick you really are, we love you anyway. And we'll love you until you learn to love yourself.

And so if nobody's told you today, I love you. And hugs to everybody in the room. If you don't want them, go ahead and pass them to a friend.

And I appreciate you all for letting me share. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.