I Have More Time Sober Than I Did Drunk – AA Speaker – Laila M.
Laila M., sober 10 years, shares how she went from suicidal ideation and treatment at 16 to building a stable life. An AA speaker tape on recovery, sponsorship, and staying sober through family tragedy.
Laila M. got sober at 16 after a suicide attempt landed her in treatment, where she first encountered Alcoholics Anonymous. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through a decade of recovery—from early missteps with sponsorship and moving to a small Texas town, to graduating college, getting married, and learning to show up for others even when her own life fell apart. Her story centers on what it means to actually stay sober, not just get sober.
Laila M., sober since 1992, shares her 10-year journey from hitting bottom at 16 with suicidal ideation to building a stable recovery through the steps, sponsorship, and fellowship. This AA speaker discusses how she struggled with sponsorship early on, moved away from meetings, relapsed into dry-drunk thinking, and eventually found her way back through a sponsor who showed her the Big Book. She describes recent family losses—her aunt’s death by drunk driving and her brother’s overdose—and how the redundant actions of AA (going to meetings, calling her sponsor, reading the book) kept her sober through the hardest year of her sobriety.
Episode Summary
Laila M. opens with a striking statement: she now has more time sober than she spent drinking. At 10 years sober, she’s been in the program longer than she was active in her addiction—a milestone she takes seriously as an opportunity to talk about what recovery actually looks like, not just the devastation that came before it.
She came to AA at 16, though she didn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Her childhood was chaos—an alcoholic home, divorced parents with opposite personalities, violence from her younger brother, and a mother who taught her the “correct” way to drink and use drugs. At 12, living with her mother, she was raped by a classmate and told no one for three years. She survived by looking the part—cheerleader, football player’s girlfriend—while carrying a gaping hole inside that no amount of drugs or alcohol could fill. The voices in her head never stopped, and neither did the need to numb them.
Her disease accelerated through relationships that didn’t fill the void, until summer 1992 when she’d been four days sober and the voices told her it was time to “check out.” She called an ex, asked for his father’s gun, and threatened to kill him and herself. Days later, without alcohol to keep her numb, her brain spiraled into delusion so complete she didn’t understand what she was planning was wrong. A therapy appointment she kept (only an alcoholic wouldn’t cancel before committing homicide, she notes with dark humor) led to treatment instead of jail. Eighty-three days in a facility introduced her to AA, though she wasn’t sold on it yet.
When she left treatment, she went to meetings—initially because there was an attractive man there. When she asked to be his sponsor, he deflected, but she kept coming back. She got a sponsor, did some work, but lost that sponsor when the woman brought the man Laila M. had her eye on to her 90-day party. Disappointed but determined, she asked another woman, Colleen, to sponsor her. Colleen was active, had children, a husband in the program, and took Laila M. through the Big Book. But in March 1993, six months into sobriety, Laila M. got a call: Colleen was dying of cancer. Then a second call came: Colleen wasn’t dying of cancer. She’d been drinking, and the disease had made her shave her head, write her will, and buy a coffin just to hide the fact. That’s the cunning, baffling, powerful nature of alcoholism, Laila M. reflects—it takes us where we never thought we’d go.
Around the same time, her mother asked Laila M. to help care for her grandfather, who was dying of lung cancer. They flew to Texas. Her grandfather, sober 11 years and 9 months, gave Laila M. her six-month chip from a hospital bed, weighing 90 pounds from chemo, and told her: “I have one terminal disease, and that’s alcoholism. If I don’t take a drink today, I got a chance.” He died two days later. That chip sits on her shelf, never given away. They stayed to care for her grandmother in Marble Falls, Texas—population 407—where Laila M. had spent drunken summers and now faced a completely different town, one where there was nothing to do sober.
She was the youngest person in the meeting by what felt like decades. Older members told her she couldn’t be an alcoholic, that she was too young. One said, “I spilled more than you drank.” Laila M. learned to reply, “If you hadn’t spilled it, you’d have been here sooner.” But the welcome wasn’t warm. She struggled, stopped going to meetings, and spent years going in and out—checking in sporadically to get chips, unwilling to fully commit. She moved, went to college (changing majors five times), met young people in the program in different cities, but remained uncomfortable, unwilling, and unteachable. She didn’t want to drink, but she wasn’t ready to turn it over, to admit anyone might know more than she did. She stayed sick for a long time, until it hurt badly enough.
One night she drank like she had the night before going into treatment at 16. She called her mother and said she wanted to check out. Her mother told her to come home, and the next morning they went to a meeting where she met Joan. Laila M. asked Joan to be her sponsor, and Joan said yes—but warned she was moving in 30 days. Those 30 days changed everything. Joan took her through the Big Book and the 12 & 12, had her working on a Fourth Step, and met with her every single day. Joan reaffirmed what Laila M. had once believed: that AA was the solution and she was the problem. After Joan left, Laila M. found another sponsor, Kimmy, who “busted her butt” and showed her that the answers aren’t on one page—they’re cover to cover. Kimmy had her sign up to head the dances (a one-year commitment that lasted five years until Laila M. moved). After completing the steps and regaining her sanity, Kimmy told her it was time to pass it on, to work with others, to carry the message.
Laila M. got married to a man in the program, graduated from college, and developed deep friendships with women in AA—something she never thought possible. She and her best friend, a woman she met early in sobriety, developed unconditional love and respect. “The only way I know to describe it is it’s the closest thing I can imagine what God loves me like.”
This year brought tests. She moved to Houston with her husband and found herself once again facing judgment from older members. She had to search out meetings where she felt she belonged, reminding herself and others: an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic, regardless of age or sobriety time. The solution is the solution is the solution.
In February, her aunt killed herself drunk driving. Laila M. went to Dallas, stayed sober, and was there for her family. On Thursday night after the funeral, she got a call: her little brother was in ICU after an overdose. They needed to sign papers to take him off life support. She hung up, called her mom, called her sponsor, called her best friend. She kept calling. People showed up. “Don’t drink. Call me back. What can I do?” And she didn’t drink.
Six months later, she’s been in five separate meetings where someone lost a sibling or child to overdose, unsure how to stay sober. Laila M. shares what she learned: the redundant things AA teaches—go to a meeting when you don’t want to, read the book when you don’t want to, work with other alcoholics when you don’t feel like it, pick up the phone—these aren’t suggestions. They’re the life raft. When her brother died, she went into automatic. The phone was in her hand. The book was in her lap. She just kept doing it.
At the funeral, planning the worst day of her life, she was still free, happy, and joyous. Because she could say: one more alcoholic isn’t suffering anymore. And this alcoholic gets to stay sober one more day. That’s the message that’s carried her through.
Notable Quotes
My soriety date is September 15th of 1992. I just celebrated 10 years, and that alone is the greatest miracle of my life.
I now officially have more time sober than I did drunk. I don’t want to talk too much about what it was like before because I’d like to talk more about where my experience lies, and that’s in being sober.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. The book is the book is the book. And the answer is the same for all of us.
I have one terminal disease, and that’s alcoholism. If I don’t take a drink today, I got a chance.
The only way I know to describe it is it’s the closest thing I can imagine what God loves me like is the way I love her, because she’s just another drunk. And there’s unconditional love and unconditional respect and there’s no requirement.
When that day hit and that week was coming on, I just went into automatic. The phone was in my hand and the book was in my lap and I just kept doing it.
One more alcoholic isn’t suffering anymore. And this alcoholic gets to stay sober one more day. That was the message that was given to me that day.
Early Sobriety
Relapse & Coming Back
Big Book Study
Fellowship & Meetings
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Sponsorship
- Early Sobriety
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Big Book Study
- Fellowship & Meetings
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi y'all.
My name is Leila and I'm an alcoholic. >> Thank you for that awesome introduction. Wow.
Um could you repeat that for my husband when I get home? Um, I'll start out with uh with this. My soriety date is September 15th of 1992.
So, I just celebrated 10 years on uh Sunday and uh that alone is the greatest miracle of my life. Um, I don't want to talk too much about what it was like before because I now officially have more time sober than I did drunk. So, I'd like to talk more about where my experience lies and that's in being sober.
Um, but just to qualify myself a little bit, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 16. Um, I wasn't an alcoholic when I got here because I wasn't like any of you. um cuz have you seen yourselves lately?
I didn't, you know, I wasn't like that. And um and I certainly that wasn't my plan growing up. It was not to be an alcoholic or a drug addict.
That or you know attending an AA conference was not like a childhood dream of mine. And um but today it is and that's the difference. Um, I grew up in an alcoholic home and had all the normal dysfunctional stuff that people have growing up in alcoholic home.
I had divorced parents. They were complete opposites. One was a hippie drug addict.
The other one was a conservative control freak. And um, can you imagine why they're divorced? Um, and I ended up somewhere in the middle of that.
Um, I like to call it a controlling drug addict. That's that's what I like to call it. Um, drugs and alcohol were readily available to me and um I took full advantage of that.
Once I got to a place where that was the only thing left to do. Um, I was never taught how to feel, what to how to express those feelings, how to act. It was just stand there and look cute.
And that was really the only job I had. And uh along the way some things happened. Um my my little brother was very violent and so I grew up with a lot of beatings from him and things of that nature.
And my parents were never violent. Um my father was just very unavailable. And my mother when she was available, she was, you know, teaching me the lessons of how exactly to drink like a lady and how exactly to purchase the correct kinds of drugs.
Um cuz these are all very important lessons that, you know, children need to know. And uh and so that's kind of the way it was. And I didn't know there was anything wrong with that because it's the only thing I knew.
And um if that's all you know, that's all you know. So uh I don't blame my parents at all. I I think they did the absolute best they could with what they had.
And um I thank them today for being who they were because um I was taught in this program that we're all an example of something, whether it's something we want to pass on or something we don't want to pass on. And there are a lot of things that my parents did teach me that I do want to pass on. And there are a lot of things my parents taught me that I don't want to pass on.
So, um, so anyway, to kind of speed things up, uh, I moved back and forth between my parents and the and the two different environments kind of stirred up a lot of craziness inside of me and I didn't know how to react to that and I didn't I didn't know how to answer questions. This was a really big thing for me. People would ask me outside of my home, they would say things like, "How do you feel about whatever?" And um I never quite knew how to answer that question because I didn't know what your reaction was going to be.
And these are all the early signs of me being an alcoholic. I just didn't get it. And um as I grew up uh the violence continued with my little brother and I finally moved out of that home and and moved to live with my mom at about 12 years old.
And so I went to live with this freeloving hippie and she wasn't home very much. She worked a lot and so I pretty much had free reign of the house. And uh one day uh there there had been this guy at school that had been harassing me and stalking me.
And excuse me, one day uh we we ended up in a situation where we were both in the same home and there weren't any adults and he got me into a back room and he raped me. And at that point it was just another affirmation of the fact that I don't know what to do with anything. And so I did nothing.
I just got up and I left and I went home and I never said anything about it for 3 years. Because here again if I told you how are you going to react? What are you going to do?
What are going to be the consequences? And um surely it had to be my fault in some way because I was never worthy of anything anyway. And uh so here I am and I have I have some other stuff that was going along and and and um meanwhile on the outside I looked really cute and um you know I was doing the cheerleading thing, dating the football player, having the cute little hair and the outfits and all that and um and so you never had a clue.
That's what I thought. Because as long as it looked good out here, then that's all you really saw. You didn't see that there was this gaping hole inside of me that was screaming for help.
And that there was this broken woman inside of me that didn't have a clue about where to go to get fixed. And I thought it was I thought it was a matter of being bad. It was always I'm bad and you're good.
And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, you taught me it's about I'm sick and you're getting better and I have a chance today to get better. And um I didn't know that it was always good or bad. And so things progressed and um I found that I really like to smoke pot.
And I know this is alcoholic synonymous, but this is part of my story. just like sedatives and morphine were part of Bill and Bob's story. Marijuana and cigarettes and and smoking and drinking is all part of mine.
And uh so I I started experimenting with that because crazy people smoke pot, but bad people drank. And it was okay to be crazy, but it certainly was not okay to be bad. And here again, I didn't, you know, really want to be like y'all.
So, uh I didn't pick up a drink for a while. I used drugs for about the first 6 months before I started drinking. And when that stopped working and it stopped being so readily available, then I started drinking.
And my drinking progressed and um living with the the the drunk and drug addicts that I lived with, it was really okay in my house to do those kinds of things. And uh and that was the only way I knew how to not feel all of this stuff that I was feeling. And I don't know if any of you have those voices.
Um yeah, some of you are nodding. The other ones that aren't nodding, they're probably talking louder than I am right now. Um but I couldn't I couldn't get them to stop.
You know, when you lay your head down at night and it you're staring at the clock and you're going, "If I sleep now, I can get 45 more minutes." You know, "If I sleep now, I can get 27 more minutes. If I fall asleep right now, I can get 12 minutes before the alarm goes off." When you're 14 years old and you're living that way, you know, the wheels just never stopped. And um and the gutwrenching pain and that hole just kept getting bigger because I just kept shoving it down.
And the more I had to shove down, the more chemicals I had to put in to keep it down. And um so anyway, my my disease progressed and um and I met some hymns along the way. I don't know if any of you ladies have met a hymn but uh I met a few of them and you know thought that was the cure that was going to be the answer and then he left and uh then another him came and he was going to be the answer and that was going to fix it and then he left and that pattern continued for a while and somewhere along the way uh my mom got sober and everything changed.
Mom came home one day and was like, I love you and we're going to have rules and easy does it one day at a time. And I'm like, Taken, can I have some of that? You know, I didn't get it.
I didn't understand what any of this lingo meant. You know, she was like, we're going to let go and let God and um keep it simple. And I'm like, I'm sorry.
Who are you? because you're not the same woman that's like, "Okay, if you're going to smoke out of a pipe, we're going to pack it real tight." You know, if you're going to do a shooter, you're going to drink whiskey with beer. You know, this was not the same woman.
And so, needless to say, there were some conflicts and it wasn't always pleasant to be in the house. Um, when you have one recovering alcoholic, uh, and one raging alcoholic living under the same roof, uh, things happen. Things happen and, uh, things certainly did happen for us.
Um, she continued to stay sober re uh regardless of my yelling and screaming and telling her to get these crazy AA people out of my house and stop having these parties and stop having so much fun and stop being happy and you know I just did that just wasn't acceptable and I didn't like that. Um, mostly because it scared me because here you were right in front of me having real true feelings, being a really true human being. And I didn't have any clue how to do that.
And so, uh, I started hanging out with some people that partied the way I did. And if you didn't party the way I did, I either taught you or I moved on. And um so I taught a few and I grabbed a few and I had this nice little cocoon of people around me and we partied um a lot and we did a lot of things and it progressed and progressed and progressed and it got to a place where um I'd gone through a couple of relationships that's over the summer of 90 two and uh I dated a couple guys and this was the turning point for me.
Um, that voice in my head that just was incessant, that just never stopped, kept saying things like, "It's time to check out. It's time to check out. It's time to check out.
We've had enough. We can't do this anymore. It's time to check out." And so, um, I don't like to be alone.
I'm one of these alcoholics that like wants to have people around me all the time. So, I decided, well, if I'm going to check out, we better take some people with us. Um, and so I called the this ex and said whose father happened to be like the deputy sheriff and said, "Uh, is your father there?" And he said, "No." And I said, "Is his gun there?" And he said, "Yes." And I said, "Well, could you unlock your door?
I'm going to come over and get it and kill you." And, uh, hung up the phone and picked up the phone and called the most recent ex who had pissed me off and said pretty much the same thing. could you unlock the door? I'm going to come over and do this.
And my plan was I was going to take both of the people who had hurt me the most the most recently and myself and check out because I didn't know how to do this anymore. And at that point in time, I was in a world of delusion. And I am so grateful that a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous taught me the difference between delusion and denial.
And denial is I know the truth and I choose to deny it. And delusion is I cannot differentiate true from the false, right from wrong. And that day I was so deep in delusion I did not know what I was doing was wrong.
my disease had me. And um you know, God really works funny ways because before I could get there, my mom had to take me to therapy that day. I mean, come on.
Who stops for a therapy appointment before they commit homicide? Come on. Only an alcoholic who didn't want to get charged for an appointment she wasn't going to make it to.
So, I went to my therapy appointment and um you know, when you decide to shoot somebody whose father's the deputy sheriff, they don't like that too much and they like to tell people that you're a menace. And um and so I went to therapy and I sat down and my therapist is looking at me saying, "Is there something you'd like to talk to me about?" Because I didn't know this, but the police had already called her. And uh I said, "Well, I do have this one idea." And I told her about my plan.
And um I said, "Do you think something's wrong with that?" And I sincerely did not know. I mean, that's pretty freaking sick, you know. Um and she said, "Well, how about treatment?
I think treatment would be a really good place for you." Um Oh, meanwhile, I forgot to mention the part where I went to detox. Yeah. I hadn't had drink in 4 days when I came up with this new plan.
Um, and that's what happens to this sick alcoholic. When you take alcohol and chemicals out of my body and you don't replace it with a spiritual solution, I go crazy. I just flat go crazy.
And um, so I had seen so back to detox. So she said, "How about detox?" And I had seen these commercials on TV for this treatment center that had this really nice swimming pool and it had all these palm trees around it. And at the bottom of the commercial, it said 14-day evaluation.
And because I'm alcoholic and I don't get it all the time, I thought it said 14-day vacation. And so I said, "Yeah, treatment. Can I go to the one with the pool?" And she said, "Yeah, sure." You know, and um I'm sure she's going sicko sicko.
I'm sure that's all she ever wrote on my chart for the two years I went to see her. But um so needless to say that night I got checked into treatment and 83 days later they let me out. And um you know I never even saw the freaking pool because there were so many bars on my window.
There was no way they were letting me out there. Um treatment's a great place in case you haven't been. There's a lot of experiences there.
Um like that big board they have with your name on it. You know, I don't know if any of you have ever been there, but like it seems to me that every treatment center has a nice big board with your name on it and what phase or level you're on and how far you've completed. And some of you are looking at me like I have five heads.
Apparently, some of you sobered up through Hey, okay, and that's okay, too. Um, but anyway, if you do go to a treatment center, this is what you'll see. Um, and so then they had all these letters, all these little initials next to our names.
And uh, I had gotten checked in about 2 o'clock in the morning, so everybody, it was lights out and everybody was in bed. And I got up the next morning and I'm walking out of my room and I hear everybody going, "Look at the new girl. Look at all those initials." And I'm going, "What?
What is going on?" You know, this is the first thing I hear. I'm already paranoid enough. I haven't had a drink in 5 days.
I'm freaking out. And there were initial I am not kidding you at least at least half the length of the board if not the three/4ers and it was stuff like SW suicide watch, HW homicide watch, AW anorexia watch, BW bulimia watch. I was on every freaking watch.
You could expect some really crazy person to come walking out of the room and here I am with my cheerleader shirt on, you know, just didn't have a clue. just didn't have a clue. I was so self-absorbed and I was so far into my disease that I just didn't get it.
I couldn't see past the end of my nose. And um and I didn't want you to see any closer into me than that either. And so I did whatever it took to look or act like whatever it was you wanted me to look or act like.
And so they wanted me to be this tough girl. So, I was a tough girl. And you wanted me to be a sweet girl, so I was going to be the sweet girl, you know, and I had gotten really good at that.
So, anyway, 80 something days later, they let me out of treatment. And um in that treatment facility, they introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous. And um and I was starting to become convinced that maybe this was something I needed.
And I knew for a fact that my life sucked and I wanted it to be better, but I hadn't quite swallowed the pill that alcohol was a really large contributing factor to the reason my life sucked. I just thought that was kind of maybe a coincidence and maybe it was just what I was drinking. Maybe if I switched to tequila instead of Jack Daniels that might make it better.
Um, so anyway, I came out of this treatment center and I went to a meeting and oh my gosh, he was there. He was so fine. And he said, "Hi.
Um, welcome." And I said, "Hi. Thanks for having me." And um, you know, I kind of went back and forth like that for a little bit. And he said, "You keep coming back." And I said, "You betcha." And I did, you know, for him.
And then when he found out I was 16 and brand new, he's like, "Please don't come near me." And I'm like, "Okay." Um, so whatever it takes, you know, I'm a firm believer in that. Whatever it takes because, um, I know that God put that man there for a reason because that's exactly what was going to get my attention that night. And that's that's okay cuz I'm still here 10 years later.
And that man and I are still friends, you know. And um so anyway, so I went to this meeting and I kept hearing you guys talk about really weird stuff that I didn't get like 90 and 90 and easy does it. First things first, I didn't understand what the hell you guys were saying.
I just sat there. Yeah. All right.
You're all crazy. Yeah. All right.
you know, if I just sit here long enough, they'll either stop saying it and talk about what I know about or I'll just leave. And um I kept hearing this one thing. You guys kept saying, "You need to get a sponsor.
You need to get a sponsor. You need to get a sponsor." And uh see, when I came here, my vocabulary was based on the life I lived. And so when you said you need to get a sponsor, I thought, you know, when you have a little league team and um like Fifi's Nail Salon sponsors the team or Bubba's Barbecue sponsors your little league team, that's what I thought I needed to go get.
So I was going to, you know, get maybe the Mercedes dealership to sponsor me or um you know, something along those lines. And uh finally somebody sat me down and said, "No, honey." Cuz I was very sick. and they, you know, they talked to me very gentle like that for a few days and um and they said, "No, honey, that's that's not what that's about.
A sponsor is somebody who's gone through the program, who's worked the steps, that's going to guide you through this." And I was like, "Oh, kind of like a dealer. It's they're going to, you know, be your guide. They're going to help you out." Because I had to relate everything to the way my life was cuz that's all I knew.
And if that's all you know, that's all you know. And um they said, "That's okay. If you need to relate it to that, then that's what you can relate it to.
But um but you just need to get one." And so I said, "Okay, well, how about him?" And they were like, "No, no, honey. No." And he said, "Women stick with the women and men stick with men." And I said, "Well, I don't like that, but okay." And so there was a woman sitting next to me after I had this conversation and I asked her to be my sponsor. I didn't know anything about her.
She could have had two days sober. I wouldn't have cared. I just knew I needed to get a sponsor.
And so that's what I did. Of course, later on you guys kind of filled me in that you probably should ask if they've worked the steps and read the book and done those kinds of things cuz pretty much anybody in the room would have known more than me. And um so I asked this woman and she agreed to be my sponsor.
And that worked well for a while. And she gave me some assignments and we started doing some work. And then when I had 90 days sober, I uh I had a party at my house and she brought him as her date.
And she had something I wanted, but um I wasn't going to get it through the book. So she wasn't my sponsor anymore after that. Uh so needless to say I got another sponsor and um I asked Colleen to be my sponsor and she's an amazing woman and and uh Colleen had something like six children and um her and her her and her husband were both in the program and she was very active and and participated in a lot of women's meetings and she had been sober quite a while and Colleen started me working on uh on some of my foundation and I guess I started working with her in February of 93 And and in March of 93, uh my mom and I got a phone call that my grandfather who had been diagnosed with lung cancer, his blood pressure had dropped to zero and it was time for the family to come and say goodbye.
And this man had been trying to get me to go to an AA meeting for two years. and uh he was like my dad. He was my surrogate father and I stayed with him every summer growing up.
So it was really traumatic. He asked for his five children and me out of 12 grandchildren. He specifically asked for me and and his five children to come and uh and so we went out there and we flew from West Palm Beach, Florida, which is where I got sober to Austin, Texas.
And we sat in a hospital room and seat in hospital, excuse me. And um my grandfather who had 11 years and 9 months sober, my uncle who had about 9 years sober, my other uncle who had three years sober, my mother who had three years sober, and myself was 6 months sober sat in that room and had a meeting of alcoholics and he gave me my six-mon chip. And here is this man who had lost all of his hair and was hooked up to every kind of tube you can imagine and was weighing 90 lbs because of the chemo.
Um, sat up in this bed and said, "I have one terminal disease and that's alcoholism. If I don't take a drink today, I got a chance." That's a message. That's the message of alcoholics.
that is the living example of this book and he died two days later and uh and that's one of the only chips I still have today that I haven't given to sponses. So before he left, he had asked my mother if when he left we would come and take care of my grandma. And she said, "You bet, Dad." So we packed it up and left West Palm Beach, Florida, and moved to Marble Falls, Texas, population 407.
What a wakeup call. Um, I had spent the summer two years previous in Marble Falls and uh I was drunk pretty much the entire time and managed to dodge some trouble because of who my grandfather was. who was the district attorney and um everybody had known him to go from the town drunk to the town DA and and you know pretty much if you were drunk you knew you were going to get AA as a choice because he sobered like half the AA up because it was like if you don't you can go to jail.
That's all right with him. So a lot of people took the choice of AA but um so I I stayed out of some trouble because of that. But anyway, so we moved back and and and the only memories I had had of this town were being drunk.
So I remembered it being really fun and exciting. This town of 407 and um you know things are different when you don't drink. things are really different because, you know, all we really did that summer was go into the fields and get drunk or go to the dam and get drunk or go to the pasture and get drunk or we might go over to somebody's house and get drunk.
Um, and that's pretty much all you can do in a town of 407 unless you play golf. So um my life my life changed drastically because when I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in South Florida, I was I was welcomed with open arms by the young people of AA and we had a man in our meeting and his name was Harry and Harry had 40some years sober and he was at that young people's meeting every single week and he was the greatest inspiration. Because it was so vital and it was so important that somebody who had experience and time actually cared enough to carry the message to somebody who wasn't even born when he got sober because he was our example.
He wasn't a bleeding deacon. He was very much the elder statesman that that group needed. And um and so I left this this wonderful comfortable safe environment of young people.
And at this point in time, you know, I was older. I was 17. And um so wise and uh and I moved to my a day, 6 days a week.
And I'd come from this city that had over 2,000 meetings a week. So it was it was it was quite a change. And I was the youngest person in the room by about I like to exaggerate and say hundred years, but I know that's not really honest, so I'll say like 85.
And um and the attitude was very different. And I went into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I heard things like, "You can't be an alcoholic. You're too young." And I heard things like, "I spilled more than you drank." And so I learned to say things like, "If you hadn't have spilled it, you'd have been here sooner." You know, and um and I was given the gift to find all the answers to every problem in this book.
And this is something I'd like to read because I find that this uh really saved me. If there's anybody out there tonight that's having these kind of problems, um, this is the solution I found. And there's no page number on this page, but um, it's actually on page 315 of the book in the third edition cuz I'm not all hip and new with the fourth edition.
Uh, and it's it's the title page to the second section of stories they stopped in time. And I won't read all of it, but I'll read this. Among today's incoming AA members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time, all might have.
I'll skip down. It says, "They realize that repeated lack of drinking control when they really wanted control was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This plus mounting emotional disturbances convinced them that com convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them.
That complete ruin would be only a question of time. And then I'll skip down further and it's it ends with this. We didn't wait to hit the bottom because thank God we could see the bottom.
Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh and that's my story, you know.
Um, I paid my dues. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is not for you to judge. It wasn't for those men and women who sat in those rooms and said, "You're too young." It was for this alcoholic to say, "I've had enough." And I'm a member when I say I'm a member.
And my seat is just as worthy as yours. And it doesn't matter that I drank for 6 years and you drank for 66. An alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic.
The book is the book is the book. And the answer is the same for all of us. And unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to stick it out there.
And um and I stopped going to meetings and I lost my connection with Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went Looney Tune crazy and I did a lot of things that I didn't do when I drank. And it was God's grace that kept me from picking up a drink.
And along the way, I had um I had received I like to share this example of the um cutting, baffling and powerful aspect of our disease. Uh that woman Colleen who I had asked to be my sponsor. Uh I got a call from her about 3 months after I moved to Texas and they said, "You need to come quick.
Colleen is Colleen is going to be dead within the next day or two. She has cancer." and uh she's not going to make it. And so we called the airlines and we got the tickets all arranged and and I was going to fly out the next morning and they called me back and they said, "Don't come.
She's not she doesn't have cancer. She's been drinking." And this woman had shaved her head, written her will, bought her coffin, all because she needed to hide the fact that she had been drinking. And that's the powerful, cunning, baffling aspects of this disease because it will take us where we could never imagine going.
So that was the second sponsor experience. And so at that point I decided this sponsor stuff was absolutely not for me. That coupled with the response I got from the people on Alcoholics Anonymous turned me so far away and uh I stayed I stayed away for quite a while and I would go to meetings sporadically to get chips and just to kind of see if maybe things had changed and see if you guys had some stuff going on and and you had uh you had this thing called uh Happy Joyce and Free.
I don't know if any of you have heard about that, but it's really cool and um I really strongly suggest it and uh and I would see glimpses of it, but I wasn't really willing to do everything that was required and so I stayed away. God has a funny way of putting us right where we need to be, though. And I moved around for a while.
I went to a couple of different colleges and I would check out AA meetings in the different towns I lived in and I met some young people and I started doing some things again and then it just didn't feel right because I was uncomfortable and I was unwilling and I wasn't teachable. I just didn't want to drink. But I wasn't willing to give everything else up.
And I wasn't willing to turn it over. And I wasn't willing to say, "You might know more than me." And so I stayed sick for a long time and it finally got bad enough because it will get bad enough and it will hurt bad enough. That's been my experience.
And it finally got bad enough and it finally hurt bad enough and I got to a place where I was just like that last night. I drank just like that night before I went into treatment. And I called my mom and I said, "I want to check out.
I don't want to do this anymore. Why does it have to be so hard?" And she said, "Come to my house." And I got to her house and she said, "We're going to a meeting tomorrow." Because there wasn't one available at that time of night. And I went to the meeting the next morning and I met a woman by the name of Joan.
And I said, "Joan, will you please be my sponsor?" Because see, even though I wasn't practicing it, I knew enough from listening to you guys that that was the answer. I knew the answer was in this book and I knew I needed a woman in here to show me how to get to it. I really let me read that and then that was going to be all, but it didn't work out like that.
Um, and Joan said, "Yes, I will be your sponsor, but I'm moving in 30 days." And I said, "All right, that's fine. I'm willing to do it for 30 days." And we worked and we worked and we worked and she took me through the big book and she took me through the 12 and 12 and she got me going on a fourth step and she had me working a men's and we met every single day for 30 days straight and um she saved my life. She saved my life because she reaffirmed my faith in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
She reaffirmed that belief that I had once had that you guys were the solution and I was the problem. And so to speed things up, man, I took a long a lot longer than I thought. Uh to speed things up, Joan left.
I found a few more sponsors. I went through, I kept doing the work and uh and then I got this sponsor, Kimmy. And uh Kimmy, man, she busted my butt and she showed me exactly where all the answers are cover to cover.
Amazing. It's not just one page, it's all the pages. Can you believe that?
I freaked out. So, um, and, uh, and it's not just this book, it's also in the 12 and 12, in case you didn't know. So, and that was that was the greatest gift she ever gave me because I got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous.
And she said things like, "Go sign up to head up all the dances." And so, I signed up for one year. Five years later, they let me off that duty. Actually, I had to move out of the city to get off that committee.
And uh and she said things like um after we had completed the steps and after I had regained my sanity, uh she said, "It's time for you to pass it on and it's time for you to work with others and it's time for you to go out and carry the message." And that's what I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is I don't keep any of it, you know? I just give it away and give it away and give it away. And it's so awesome because the more I give away, the more I go back and get some more, you know, because I'm I'm freaking greedy.
And um I'm like, come on, give it, give it, give it. And my hands get full. And then I give it and I give it and I give it.
And um you guys taught me about that and you taught me how to do that. And you taught me that we do this even when we don't want to do it. And we do it when it doesn't feel good.
And we do it when we don't like it. And I didn't I didn't understand for a long time why you guys did that. And then um some things have happened in the past couple years that made it real clear why we do that, why we just do it when we don't want to and why we keep doing it and why it's repetition, repetition, repetition.
And um I'm I got married. Oh yeah. I graduated from college.
That was a major freaking deal because I changed my major like five times just in the last two semesters. close there. So, my parents were pretty impressed along with everybody in my home group because they were really tired of me going through finals and um and so I graduated from college and uh and then I got married to a man in Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't even know how to explain that.
I mean, it is just wild. You know, it talks about really I do know how to explain it. talks about it and how it works.
It says, "Our adventures before and after." Yeah, we got some of those. Um, make clear three pertinent ideas. And um, and we laugh about that and we have fun and we share our recovery and we invite alcoholics into our home and we fellowship with them.
And uh, he couldn't be here with me tonight cuz he's at home taking care of the dog and the cats and the broken air conditioner and all the other stuff that comes with being married. Um, cuz see, I didn't have that before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have any of that.
I couldn't take care of myself, let alone take care of an animal or a husband or a home. Some of the other gifts that um you guys have given me is that uh I developed a friendship with a woman in this program that is unescribable. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't want anything to do with any woman in the room, let alone any woman that was semi-attractive.
Um, maybe if you like had a bag over your head and, you know, left one shoe off or something, I might talk to you. But if you were cute, forget it. And um and because of Alcoholics Anonymous and because you guys taught me to have compassion and a kind and gentle heart and in the spirit of brotherly love and the and the companionship we find among each other.
I've developed a friendship that uh has no price tag. We were talking about it on the right up here because Julie came with me. She flew in from Nashville to be here with me this weekend and and I cannot look at you.
Um, and I was telling Shelley, the only way I know to describe it is it's the closest thing I can imagine what God loves me like is the way I love her because she's just another drunk. And there's unconditional love and there's unconditional respect and there's no requirement. I don't know anywhere else in the whole world where I can learn to get that and where I can be given that.
And that's awesome. That is so awesome. And uh she's she's uh she's definitely seen a lot in this relationship that we've gone through and and she's really been there for me this year.
And she takes me back to the book when I don't want to go to the book, you know, and she takes me back to calling my sponsor when I don't want to call my sponsor. And she sends me to meetings when I don't want to go to meetings, you know, and and then I get to do it to her and that's so cool. She doesn't think it's cool, but I think it's cool, you know.
And um and this year has been a pretty difficult year. Um after I got married, my husband and I moved to Houston from Austin, Texas. And again, I found a real um a real uh hard time with some of the AA where I moved to.
And it wasn't like what I had grown up with in Austin and it wasn't like what I had grown up with in Florida. And um I found a lot of older people looking down on me again and saying those same things. And it breaks my heart.
Breaks my heart that after 50 years of Alcoholics Anonymous, it isn't just about an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. And um and so I have I have sought sought out other places where I can just be another alcoholic. It doesn't matter that I'm 26 years old.
26. Yeah. Doesn't matter that uh whether I have one day or 10 years.
You know, alcoholic is alcoholic is alcoholic. The solution is the solution is the solution. And um and this year uh I have started making some headway and finding some other meetings I can attend that um I feel a little more a part of.
But my home is still in Austin and I'll be celebrating my birthday there next month because those are the people that call me and check on me and those are the people that reach out with the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous because I tell you what, there are days when the service and the unity just don't cut it. I just can't get on my knees and I just can't open my book. But when you pick up the phone and you call me, I can be there.
And that is so vital for my recovery. And um man, I've been avoiding this part. Um at the end of February, I received a phone call that I needed to go to Dallas.
my aunt had uh killed herself drinking and driving. And so I went and I wasn't especially close to my aunt and everybody in the family kind of knew she was an alcoholic and I went to be with this uh my stepmother's side of the family for whom I do not like to be around. And um but I went because that's what you guys taught me to do.
You guys taught me that when I'm needed and when my services are needed, I go. And when I'm asked to do something, I do it. And when I give you my word, I follow through.
And she needed me that day. My stepmother will never admit to anybody that she needs anybody. And she said, "I need you." And I got off the phone and I got my keys and I packed a bag and I left.
And I stayed up there and and we went through the funeral and and we got through it and I stayed sober and and they stayed as sane as possible. And and I came home on Sunday and Thursday night. I got a call that uh my little brother was um was in ICU and he had overdosed and uh we needed to come sign the papers to have him taken off life support.
I haven't shared that in my story. So, um, what did I do? I hung up the phone and I called my mom and I said, "Uh, I got to go out of town and I need some help." And I told her what happened and I hung up the phone.
And then I called my sponsor and I said, "This is what happened and I need some help." And I hung up the phone and I called my best friend and I said, "This is what happened. I need some help." And I just kept calling. And you guys were there for me.
And you said, "Don't drink. Call me back. Don't drink.
Call me when you get there. Don't drink. What can I do?
How can I help you? What do you need?" And uh I didn't drink. and you guys were there and I had to answer some tough questions from my folks like why do you have 10 years and he's got to go and I can't answer things like that today.
All I know is I'm here an example and that can be part of my experience to carry to somebody else. And since that has happened, I've been in five separate meetings where somebody has lost a sibling or a son due to an overdose and they just didn't know how they were going to stay sober. And it'll be 6 months next week.
And um I just didn't drink. And I did the things that were so redundant that I didn't know why you guys told me to do them all the time. And you would say go to a meeting when you don't want to go.
And you would say read the book when you don't want to read it. and you work with other alcoholics when you don't feel like it. And you pick up the phone and you call and you talk to somebody.
And you know what, folks? When that day hit and that week was coming on, I just went into automatic. And the phone was in my hand and the book was in my lap and I just kept doing it.
I just kept doing it. And um I cannot imagine what this last year would have been like without Alcoholics Anonymous, without the fellowship, without the constant understanding and compassion of other alcoholics because I went to some meetings and uh and shared that and not one person came up to me after the meeting. And it was really heartbreaking for me because I come to you guys when I need help and I come to meetings to help you.
And so the message that I've really been been hit with this year is the importance of the fellowship and the importance of an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. And it doesn't matter if I haven't had a drink in 10 years. And it doesn't matter if I'm 26 years old.
What matters is that I have the same problem and we have the same solution. And um I am forever grateful for my sponsor and the people who have stood by me and have produced the fellowship that I crave and have kept me as happy, joyous, and free as I could possibly be. this stuff with my brother and we were planning the funeral and we were signing those papers and and all of the uh all of the horror that went with that.
I was still free and I was still happy and I was still joyous because I was able to say one more alcoholic isn't suffering anymore. And I never thought I would ever be able to say something like that. But that was the message that was given to me that day was that one more alcoholic doesn't have to suffer and this alcoholic gets to stay sober one more day.
And that was a hard lesson to learn this year. Um, and it's just awesome that I get to share that with you guys. It's awesome that you guys have asked me to be here.
I'm I'm totally freaking amazed. You know, they called me last year and said, "Will you come speak?" And I'm like, "Okay." And uh he wrote it on my calendar and didn't think much about it anymore. And then I kept getting these calls from Shelly and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I forgot.
I said I would do that." Okay. And then she'd call me a couple couple months later and she say, "Is everything still on? Have you booked your plot?" "Oh yeah, that's right.
I'm supposed to be doing that." you know, and um and and the excitement that I would get every time I would get off the phone with her about being here. And it's so funny cuz my husband and I were teasing cuz he's lived in the city his whole life. And I please don't take offense to this, but you know, the book talks about going to sorted places.
We couldn't find you guys on the map and so He said, "Well, God will protect you. You're going to be on the firing line." You know, and um and it's been amazing. You know, we had an awesome drive coming up here and we have laughed and we've had so much fun and just getting to meet you guys and and I really appreciate you staying tonight.
Um, it's just awesome for me to be able to carry this and and receive the gift that you're giving me. The gift of staying sober one more day. You know, that's all I want anymore.
I don't care about any of the other stuff. One more day sober. One more day happy, Joyce, and free.
One more day without the obsession and compulsion of a drink of alcohol. Who could ask for anything better than that? It's so easy and simple.
All we have to do is look for the answers from cover to cover. The whole book, including page 315. You know, that page has saved me so many times, and I hope you'll pass it on.
Thanks for having me. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.
Until next time, have a great day.