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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. And uh as most of you know um we've been doing a workshop with uh Peter M and Chris S uh over the last few weeks and they've been doing a rotation um doing a couple steps then switching and doing a couple steps. Um and tonight I'd like to present Peter M.

>> You can clap. My name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Uh grateful to be alive and sober and at a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. Um first things first again uh thank the group for inviting me back and allowing me to be here the last few weeks and share. um my experience with this work, my experiences with a power greater than myself called God, my experience working with others, uh my experience being a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous, um thank all of you for being here the last few weeks, um and giving me the permission to share what I'm inspired to share.

Thank Bill and and Dave and um for being here each week and and doing what they do. God separated me from alcohol June 23rd, 1988. I'm a recovered alcoholic and anything less than that would be falsely humble and telling you if I wasn't.

Um a power grader myself uh took me in 1988, separated me from alcohol and put me on a path in alcoholic synonymous. And then teachers were put in my path. put in my path and uh I sought them out with the desperation and drowning man seek this work today and little by slowly the dots were connected for me when I didn't have the power to connect them and then God gave me power to connect the dots and I get to a place called recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body contrary to what we'll hear in contemporary AA where we're always recovering we'll always be thinking about a drink it's normal think about a drink because you're an alcoholic olic and I challenge that all the time because my book gives me different information and my experience proves that and my experience and not only mine but countless others that we'll get to a place called recovered.

We go through this work um hopefully without any attachments, real attachments to what it's going to look like when we're on the other side, what my spiritual awakening is going to look like. um how I'm going to feel, how I'm going to be, who I'm going to be when I get to the other side of the archway, when I walk into the world of the spirit and experience all of God prior to that or when I get there. And so, we go through this work, the drastic and revolutionary proposals that we'll we'll go through and get to experience.

And what I what I have found out for me, and I I speak for myself, that the work will take me to experiencing God. And once I get to that place, entering the world of the spirit, my book tells me I've become recovered where the problem called alcohol has been removed. And I get to a place where the isms can get removed also.

They dissolve. They fall away. The more God, the less self, the freer I am.

And so we get to experience God. But what my experience has shown me over and over and over again, if I'm experiencing God, I'm experiencing presence. Mindful of the moment, moment to moment.

What I'm really experiencing is silence. And what my book has allowed me to do is take me to God, which is really my book is taking me to a place of silence. Silence and meditation.

and silence amid all the noise that goes on, the traffic, the people talking, the supermarket, the children, the family. There's silence that underlies all of this. It's called God.

And if I can get to experience that, I get freer. Even if I'm feeling free, I can get freer. Can I listen to the silence between the words someone speaks?

Can I listen to the silence among all the noise? Because the silence is what is always present. The noise interrupts the silence.

Whether it be the mental noise or the external noises, the internal dialogue or the external noises. This book is taking me to a place of silence. Silence when I'm speaking now, deep down within here that we can get inspiration.

It comes to us rather than from us. I'm no longer plagued by voices of the past. I can be present and be moved by this power.

Silence, mindfulness, breath. Which brings me to a place of not being attached to before and how it should have looked and what they should have done and what they should have said or later on what they should do, what they should say, how it ought to be. I quit playing God.

I know this power. I have found out by going through this work by not knowing by not trying to interpret by not trying to conceptualize it's beyond thought beyond form just like we are just like I am beyond thought beyond form beyond name it is can I experience that by just doing this work absolutely can I read other inspirational books and be quick to see where religious people are right absolutely that six sense our uh our 10step talks out silence. Hear it.

If I can take that into all my moments, I experienced awful lot of freedom. Contrary to the way it was when I walked in here in 1988, where I looked for noise, I looked for drama. It gave me something.

It gave my thinking mind something to do. My mind is constantly saying, "Give me something. Make more drama.

Give me drama." No drama. I'll make some drama. I'll create drama.

It gives me something to do, something for my mind to think about. This way, I don't have to be present and deal with me. And some of us in here are always looking for drama, attached to drama, controversy, problems, never accepting what is.

And what this book does take me to God and I go past that. And the the more I'm in an experience with God, the more in the sunlight of the spirit I am, the less I'm in trouble because I'm out of the way. Oh, I'm here.

I'm present physically, but all the manifestations of self, the thinking mind is removed. Pride and ego is set aside. I'm present.

And I'm not trying to figure out what to tell you while you're answer asking me a question. I can listen. And it becomes so much easier to say, I don't know.

Rather than I got to come up with something because they may think less of me. All that stuff's removed. That's why I love to practice the silence in meditation.

That's why I love to to write inventory when I have to. I get to do this stuff. I think I shared a couple of weeks ago instead of having to I got to I need to I get to I get to come to this meeting.

I get to write inventory. I get to pray. I get it to meditate.

I get to recover. I get to experience God. I get to go to a doctor.

I get to play with the children. I get to take the wife here. I get I get to the alternative is no choice and do whatever drink tells me to do.

So I had to unlearn a whole lot of things while I was in here. Some of those things were just removed but there was a lot of unlearning finding out what God was not in order to experience what God is at that moment presence. So I came into alcoholic synonymous with all these belief systems and a lot of contempt about anything to do with God.

Spirituality and religion to me was synonymous. I found out that the spiritual path can take me to a religious place, a religious community, but there's a little bit of a difference between the two for me. So when you talk about a spiritual way of living, I heard you say a religious way of living and I had contempt pride investigation and I would bristle with antagonism and I came in with belief systems and resentments and fear about God.

What that looked like for me main problem is in the mind not the body right. book tells us how often do we approach God with a thinking mind and use our thinking mind to figure out what God is and make decisions based on a thinking mind. Well, go my mind says God is this or that's God and so therefore I just limited God put him or it or her in a in a box because I'm using me to figure out God to interpret God.

And I could be the most well- readad man in the world. I can be a scholar from university. I could have the the the secrets of the universe.

And it's amounts to a grain of sand on a beach when it comes to me figuring out what God is and its power. It just is all love. No opposite.

So, how often do we go through our day and figure out how God is? I know God based on my thinking mind. I I've shared this a million times.

I can see to the end of this room. If I go out on the road, probably see a couple of blocks and then I lose it. Can't see any further behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, in front of me.

And I make all my decisions based on that limited sight distance. I make all my decisions based on everything I can hear. And God is way beyond that.

God is much greater than that. I've learned the hard way. When things don't work the way I think they ought to, maybe maybe it's God saying, "This is not good for you.

I need to I need you to be here. I need to steer you in this direction. I'm back to acceptance of what is." And the difference between the happiness that we always shoot for and the internal peace that we can get in here.

the happiness. Got to get the money. Got to get her.

Got to get the right house. Got to get all the external things. So, I feel happy for this long.

I bought the new car. I feel happy. Then I get the first car payment.

I'm angry again. Right. Then I'm really It's bondage.

Um, where do I park? Don't hit me. Pull into the driveway.

Keep the kids away. I'm standing outside with a shotgun. Don't, you know, great way to live, right?

Then the car gets old and I start throwing cigarettes and cans and I don't care anymore. I stopped washing it. That that kind of fizzled out and I'm looking for something else.

Internal happiness is a different place, a state of being, how I be, regardless of what I'm driving, what I'm making, who's in my life, who's not in my life, because the mind's not involved in that. mind always trying to interpret good bad like this like all of it able to see me over the last 18 years how many times I fell into thinking mind and freedom with spirit and I share that with you because my book has pointed me to that place and pointed me to other directions in order to experience freedom and every time we show up to this work we may be experiencing being free the question we sit with do I want to get freer And if the experience of going through the work on the other side of the archway was so glorious, felt so good, I'm shouting it to everyone, you know, I'm in a men's, I'm feeling good, I'm writing inventory, I'm feeling great, everything seems to be okay. I have a different uh uh presence.

I feel in here. Then why deny myself to go through that once more? And what happens is somewhere in 10 and 11, we start to kick back and and use sound bites from the past in order to be, you know, to use for present stuff.

When I went through the work, when I had my spiritual experience, all this leads me up to now. What are we doing currently? What's my current prayer life look like?

What's my current life of meditation look like? Where am I in amends? Who am I working with?

Do I have any of those any of those things going on? And if we don't don't listen to the mind who's going to start to judge and character assassinate you and not allow you to be impeccable with your word towards yourself. Just recognize it as okay, I just woke up to something.

I need to do more. I need to experience more. Maybe I should experience more.

I just woke up to some walls that I've been hitting. So we get to experience the death of self before the physical death when we go through this work. I shared I think the first week how many of us come to this work to die.

And when I was given that question I was annoyed. I was insulted by a question like that. What do you mean I came here to die?

I turned into Pete from Brooklyn in about two minutes. What do you mean? But we show up to the sponsor's doorstep, right?

Can you help me? Why? Cuz it's on us and we got to get past what's on us.

I can't stop thinking about a drink. My behavior is act looks like a drunk without a drink in me. Uh fear is on me.

I'm living on page 52. Or we show up to the work after being in here a little while and we seek these big book workshops or we seek out a teacher. Take me past where I am.

If we look at that, what we want to do is die. We want to experience the death of self because that's what's in the way. When we work with meditation, we we can experience a place.

Uh my sponsor's teacher called it nothingness. People call pure consciousness, space. There's nothing going on.

There's no mind going on. It's pure. It's freeing.

It's present. We can work with meditation and get there. Unlike what it was for me when I got here, we can get to that place and take that experience into all our affairs.

Now, my thinking mind will tell me, "You can't do that. I have to go to work. I need to think.

I need to send the children off to school. I need to think. I need to go argue with my neighbor because he has the lawn mower going on on a Sunday morning at 9:00.

I need to think. Right. But can we take that place that we get to in meditation into those affairs?

So we practice meditation by silence and silence we meditate. Meditate we silent we get silent and silence we meditate. Step 10 says on page 84, this thought and the thought they're talking about is what what precedes that is that these promises will always materialize if we work for them.

With that thought, it brings us to step 10. Would suggest we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right new mistakes as we go along. Inventory and amends is what step 10 involves.

as we cleaned up the past. And it uses the word this way of living and how it works. It says um we developed a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

Way of living. Developing a manner of living. It's not something that I go to like I'm in trouble.

Got to read my book and get free and wait till it's on me again. I need to call the sponsor. It's now who we be.

A new place of consciousness or awareness. It's who we be now. This is what we do.

This is who we be. inventory, seek counsel, make amends, meditate, work with others, give of myself without expecting anything to re in return a completely new set of ideas we're guided by. Now, we're God inspired rather than self inspired.

It says I've entered the world of the spirit, but it doesn't mean I get free room and bought. Like I, okay, I had my spiritual awakening, so now I'm going to hang out for a while and see what happens. Because alcoholism knows exactly what I'm doing, right?

As long as I'm in the sunlight of the spirit, the problem has been removed and will stay removed. When I start to rest on my laurels, my accomplishments of an hour ago or last week or last month, alkalism says, "hm, maybe we do have a crack in the armor." And the red flag is what I was alluding to earlier. when I use my experience of yesterday, my spiritual awakenings of yesterday to use for today rather than going to the work again.

You know, I had a spiritual experience back in, you know, 1975 and it's 2006 and I'm still replaying that. And is it possible I've started to worship my mind and intellect and knowledge rather than God, which has been keeping me sober all along? Every time we get to go through this work, we smash ego.

We kill self a little bit more. Less self, more God. It says, "My next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness." My book uses words like vigorously, next now launched words that tell me, convey a thought that I need to do something, need to move.

It says this is not an overnight man. It should continue for a lifetime. continue to watch and they given me some things to look out for.

Watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, I ask God at once to remove them. I discuss them with someone immediately and make amends if I've harmed anyone.

I've been working now for a while with this word called immediately. There's a three guys I speak to. When something comes up, I'll write inventory, make prayer, and if it's still with me, I'll discuss it with someone immediately.

I won't give it an opportunity to grow and carry into tonight, carry into tomorrow. Then we get the emotional hangover. You know how it goes when you wake up first thing in the morning and you're in yesterday and you got the internal dialogue going on.

We're maybe seeking counsel. Hey, um, I can't get past this. This happened an hour ago.

I'm I'm with it. And so we seek counsel, discuss it with someone immediately. And then I go see who I can be service to.

And I I've shared this many times. Uh I was working for this uh um day trading firm and I was an HR person and uh you know I went from the waterfront to white collar and that was just it was very strange for me. um I had to learn how to write emails and and wear a shirt and tie to work and I mean just that whole corporate thing that goes on, right?

And there was a gentleman there um who reminded me every day that he went to a university and I didn't and he made it really clear that he was here and I was there and I was intimidated and fearful by by the guy with the guy and I had lots of internal dialogue about ways I can more than just character assassinate him. Right. Right?

You with me? And then uh he would talk to me and I would be fearful of coming up with a good idea to go recruit in Ivy League schools, which was part of my job. And and it got me.

And I had a lot of ugly language in my in my spirit about this guy. And I called up my sponsor and he said, "Well, what's the inventory on it?" And um I had to write some new inventory and discuss it with him right away. And then I made some prayer.

Well, here's what happened. Um, the guy's in my path at work and I'm looking for drama and it wasn't there. I was looking to get angry.

I was looking for something so I can now get him. And it was all removed and I was able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with this guy. And here was the knee thing.

I was able to sit with this guy and figure out a game plan on the next business trips that we had to these different schools and get these these these kids interested in our company without being gunshy, without being intimidated, without being better than just shouldertoshoulder. And I was looking for drama and I couldn't get it. There was a gentleman I worked with um when I was on the waterfront and uh he did some really unkind things to my dad, really unkind things.

Um not with his hands but with his mouth. And uh my dad was about to experience some really severe consequences because of what this person did. And um so I was on a mission.

John Wayne, that character was in full, you know, flight. Um, and I was going to track this guy down and show him what I thought of him, right? But my sponsor, very wise man, had me write inventory on this guy and all the fear and all the anger, all of it.

And I'm working with inventory and I'm working with a lot of prayer, meditation. Father, fill my heart with a spirit of forgiveness. They only know what they know.

Great words. A carpenter says, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Can I work with that? Well, I'm going to pick up a dear friend of mine.

We're on our way to a meeting and I get lost. I'm in Staten Island. I get lost and uh I turn down this block and I see someone jogging and I thought it was one of us.

I said, "I know that guy. He must I think he's in the rooms." And it wasn't. It was this guy.

We'll call him Bill. And I looked at him. I swear nothing.

And I'm trying to replay the old stuff so I can do John Wayne with this guy, right? Jump out of the car. Tony Soprano, jump out of the car, you know, do all of that, right?

Which, if you know me, I'm not a fighter anyway, but my mind says, "Yeah, you can go fight." I'm looking for something replaying the stuff he did. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And he just joged right past me. For a moment, I was frustrated. I couldn't get angry.

And then I realized how free I was because that was something that was a thorn in my side for the longest time. And I could not get angry. I was free.

And I went to pick up my friend Tom. We went over to the Way Out group and had a great meeting. When I got home that night, I called up my sponsor.

He says, "Here's the experience I had a few hours ago." And his question to me was,"Well, why did you doubt God in the first place?" See, we take we take this booze problem to God. Take this from me because you're the only one who's going to take this from me. But the rest of my life, I can probably manage.

And we treat, as one of my teachers says, we treat God like a person and person like God. Turn to my buddy and say, "Listen, you need to do this for me." and I expect that he's going to do it absolutely perfect, divinely perfect without missing a beat. And I put all the shovel expectations into this guy's lap and he or she falls short and I'm angry.

Didn't you listen to what I said? Weren't you paying attention? Right?

We do that to our spouse all the time. Right? But I go to God and he ain't going to pay attention to this.

I don't have expectation that God's going to fix this. got it backwards. My perceptions were backwards.

And here was a perfect incident that I got past. It says on the bottom of page 84, I've ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. Am I currently in my mind, my internal dialogue, am I fighting with anyone even though they're not here?

What's that look like when I'm all alone? How am I doing with that? For this by this time, sanity will have returned.

Back in step two, we return into this power to restore us to sanity. And step 10, they deliver the contract. Here, here it is.

You're restored to sanity now. Wholeness of mind. You're not thinking about drinking, are you?

You're free. Just what we promise you. Just what God said, I'm going to deliver.

He delivers. For some of us, we experience it before we even get to 10. before we get to enter the world of the spirit but by 10 we've got it consider assuming we have followed directions can I take my can I take my my fear there can I take my my sex life there my relationship life there my diet and health to this power can he take me past where I currently am to a better face.

Do I think that this is it? Got freed from alcohol and the rest I'm stuck with. Or do I think on my own power I'm going to get past that stuff?

Or am I willing to take everything to God? My sex life, my relationships, my money, my job, my health, everything. It says, "For by this time Samuel will have returned.

We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sainely and normally and we find that this has happened automatically.

I don't have to will myself into this. It's done for me. Can I say that about other areas of my life where I may be experiencing some trouble?

The spreeze that we may get by following this work. Can I say that about other areas or am I trying to get me past my bedments if I'm experiencing any of them? We will s see that a new attitude towards liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part.

It it it just comes. That is the miracle of it. We're not fighting it.

Neither are we avoiding temptation. It says we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. The problem does not exist.

It's been removed. We are now recovered. At this place, we get recovered.

How's that looking for me? Inventory. Uh there's like seems to be two schools of thought.

Um one is you don't write out inventory with regards to step 10. Others you do. I was brought up with writing.

The only difference is I would pass something on something was passed on to me. Um I I got attached to writing a lot. A lot.

It got me free and I continue to write. But what was presented to me was what our book big book says that a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. But a business which is always taking inventory will go broke too because they're never open for business.

And I've seen people in here who claim to be on this path with their lips who are in the book constantly got to go through new drama, more inventory, new drama. Give me drama so I can write more inventory. and never being open and the experience that they have go share and go work with others and God will say okay time to go through the work again but they're they're always in there I attend the big book meeting um somewhere and um there's a lot of people who are on this path but threequarters of the room is attached to drama is in drama reworking reworking more inventory more which is a neat thing but no one's getting free they're attached to the methodology they're attached to the mechanics attached to the writing and they don't have time to get out there and get free or experience the freedom.

So this was a great lesson for me. But my my my the way I work my 10th step is when something shows up about a with a resentment or a fear of something that my mind has me thinking about tomorrow or next week I'll write it. Resentment shows up I'll make prayer still there.

I write discuss it with someone and then I work with immediately if it's not going what about the job interview next week the wedding next week the doctor's appointment tomorrow and I got that thing going on job interview my sponsor said it best need a job got to get a job need a job got to get a job oh no they called me for a job you know it's uh they want to hire me now you know it's it's constantly going on what the mind says is impossible. The spirit always proves to be possible and I forget that. So what about that stuff that I'm looking at?

Do I need to show up in a job interview a wreck and full of self-reliance or the job interview next week which is troubling me tonight, Tuesday, I can get home and write some fear inventory on what's going on with me. Discuss it with someone and go to that interview with God and go to that doctor's appointment with God. go to that wedding where Uncle Joe's going to be drinking again with God, right?

And I can be there when I get there. I can be present. It says it's easy to leap on a spiritual program of action, rest on my accomplishments.

I'm headed for trouble if I do. For alcohol is a subtle foe. Subtle, sly, clever, devious, and difficult to detect.

And a foe is my personal enemy. That's what I'm up against. I'm not cured of alcoholism.

What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Every day is a day I must I must carry the vision of God's will to all my activities. How does that look for me?

Am I carrying a vision? Am I willing to carry the vision of God's will to all my activities? Even though the vision of God's will is contrary to my will.

I was sharing with someone yesterday, you know, how do you know the difference between my will and God's will? Well, I know what God's will isn't. And that starts to clear up the picture a little bit, right?

But you know, you you're you're sitting down, you're looking through the meeting book, and there's that fancy meeting in some nice town where everyone shows up on Saturday looking good. They smell great. Everyone's going out after the meeting.

Not too much work. It's a social event. We all have one of those meetings we've attended from time to time, right?

It's a nice place to go to. I want to go there. And suddenly spirit says, "No, you need to go down to the bowy where it doesn't look so nice.

It doesn't smell so nice, but I need you to do service down there." And suddenly we're stuck as what's God's will for me tonight. Carrying a vision of God's will to all my activities means taking some action. I can go to that meeting anytime, but tonight I'm being moved to go down there and contrary to what I want to do, God's got me going here, so I go and it's always great when I get there.

God's will for me, my experience is proven, is fulfilling. I'm full when I'm done. When I'm done with my will, I have guilt, remorse, uncertainty, insecurity, the wrestling, the internal dialogue, the would, could a, shoulda, God's will, I go and I'm full.

How many meetings do we we go to and the topic is experientially tonight we're going to talk about what it's like carrying a vision of God's won't activities that's what you'll hear and they won't invite you back what's that look like for us how can I best serve thee thy will not mine be done these These are thoughts which must go with me constantly. Am I doing this? Is my life a walking meditation?

We can exercise our willpower along this line. All we wish is the proper use of the will. The bottom of the next paragraph it says we've begun to develop this vital six sense but we must go further and that means more action.

So again my book is telling me to move and we're developing this vital six sense one beyond what we came here with. We don't need to acquire anything. We don't need to get anything.

We get to do things. I don't need to acquire anything because all we've been given, all we need for this journey, we were given when we showed up. Not in Alcoholics Anonymous.

When we showed up here, everything we need. A great teacher of my life sat me down and says this work takes you home. We go home with this work.

Everything you need for this journey, you've been given. You don't need to acquire stuff. What you need to do is lose stuff.

The subtraction, not addition in order to wake up. The less self, the more God. The removal of contempt, prejudices, pride, ego, all manifestations of self.

And what we get is home. And that's where we have everything we need to go out. If you're anything like me, when I first showed up, I talked about that hole in the soul, the void that a lot of us have.

And I thought I was empty. I was full of me and all the stuff that I acquired. The prompt, the calamity, the worship of other things, fill in the blank.

I had it and it was not working. It was not working for me. And it all had to go.

Removal. That's why the work for some of us is painful, uncomfortable, drastic and revolutionary proposals. Who cares to emit complete defeat not only in one but looking at self and say this is what I've this is what I've accomplished.

I don't want to be this anymore. It's got to go. I don't need to acquire anything.

I just need to get rid of stuff and God will do it. So I show up to the work willing and let the work take me. So I work with inventory throughout the day.

Um I'll write four column inventory. I'll discuss it. Those are the mechanics.

The resentment, the cause, what it affects me, my part, where I was at fault. Write the fear inventory. And then I move.

Step 11. It talks about evening and what to do during the day. They ask us some question for an evening review.

My current practices when I wake up um I'll work with prayer, I'll work with meditation. In the afternoon, I work with the religious practice for the longest time now. And that's just my thing.

I was moved to work in this religious practice. And that's what I've been working with. And after I get done with this prayer and this practice, I say I go silent.

And in the evening, I do the same prayer meditation. I got attached to reading a lot of these books that we have out there. All neat books, but I had to read this book and I had to read that book.

Oh no, I got to read this book. If you ask me what I read, I don't know. I couldn't wait to turn the page to get it out of the way.

That was a red flag. No need to read. That was becoming God rather than God.

So what I've learned is when I'm inspired to read, I read. When I'm not, I don't. I'm worshiping God.

Not the book, not even this big book. Even in the evening, what I do, I mean, if I retire and it's 8:00 and I'm in for the night, I'll write review. If it's 11:00, I'll write review.

If I missed anything during the day because I get the opportunity to write during the day. Anything's lingering in evening, I'll just put it on paper rather than waking up on Tuesday with Monday night's stuff. You know, like today's answers are tomorrow's problems.

We don't want that. It's all right review in the day. It talks about um we consider our plans for the day.

It says on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. I consider my plans for the day. Before I begin, I ask God God to direct my thinking um that it's divorce from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives.

There's the doing in the 11 step to work, shopping, pick up the kids, the doing we do, the tasks we do throughout the day. But one of the things I need to consider is what kind of spirit am I taking into those affairs? How do I be when I'm going to work?

Is God directing my thinking? Am I being moved by God or moved by me? How does that look when I'm stuck in traffic on the garden state and I got to be there 7 o'clock and it's 10:2 and I know I'm going to be late when there's a big line at the shopping store and I need to get out in a hurry.

How do I be in all those affairs? The first time I meditated, I sat with a non-Aa member who showed me, she showed me some great techniques and she literally put me on this timer for two minutes. Be still for two minutes.

It was about six months. I was in I was in I was in Attica State Prison for two minutes. I mean, I couldn't wait for it to get over.

My mind was all over the place. two minutes still not doing anything was unbearable but I was willing and I work with that and then it became three minutes and then it became five minutes and I'm working and working and suddenly the timer was removed and I got to get silent. I got to get still at the very least still.

I heard a gentleman say, you know, we'll spend an hour and a half figure out the suit, shirt, tie, the shoes match with the belt, everything's good, hair's good. Takes two hours, 5 seconds. Hi, God.

Got to go. >> And we wonder why we're in collision with everything. Because I'm running the show.

So I make the practice. I dedicate the time. I I give that time the worship it it deserves early in the morning and in the evening and the middle of the day.

The meditation has evolved for me and I have been quick to see where religious people are right. I make use of what they offer. And one of the things that really moved me there was 9/11.

I had to seek out rel I was forced almost to go seek out religious people and make use of what they had to offer because my back was against the wall and I was doubting all over the place. There was something underneath that, something way underneath that that said everything's okay. Pray for all, but I need to be quick to see religious people right and the benefits for me were great.

So I continue to do it, not resting on my laurels with that. reading inspirational books not to gain knowledge. So my ego gets stroked and I come back to home group and throw out some pearls of wisdom, fix my collar and walk out like I'm a guru.

That is the happiness, the quick fix. I read to experience. I read to be with the books.

So I wake up and I've read many books. I've been working with something for it's a few years now uh by the guidance of my sponsor this thing called intent the power of intent and turning to this power to see things materialism my in my life if they're according to God's will for me not petitioning God see it happening and for me it started with physical health I was talking about God talking about prayer meditation and go out to the parking lot and be out of breath I couldn't button my pants and I was feeling sluggish. I was out of shape but claiming God and that got painful and I bottomed out and I wanted to go take care of myself.

I just lacked the power and I started working with this and see it happening. See it manifesting from the unmanifested to the manifest. See it happening.

Turn into this power. meditating with it as I did say with the sacraments of penance work with that and then I found myself on a treadmill and then I found myself careful of what I was eating and then joining a health club and that's been a few years and I take care of this gift God gave me practice of no name in meditation Tremendous practice scared the hell out of me when I first did it. The dramas I was talking about earlier, my name Peter Marinelli means something to me.

All the things that have made me where I am. All the drama, all the challenges, all the disappointments. And the ring leader is my thinking mind that tells Peter Marinelli can do this, cannot do a lot.

Attachments. You say, "Peter Marinelli, I get a vision of what I cannot do." And the judge in my mind tells me you can't do this. And that's how I go about my business.

I need something to make me who I think I am. There's a someone who calls a full sense of self. This is who makes me, Peter Marinelli.

and just let's keep adding to that so I can feel like me. Sure, nothing ever works out for me. I'll never get that job because I'm Peter Marinelli.

I'll never be rich because I'm Peter Marinelli. You know, think bad things that because I'm Peter Marinelli, you know, can't do what those people do because I'm Peter Marinelli. I mean, what's in a name?

Aren't we beyond name? And we we literally can be called numbers. Does it make a difference?

What is it for? Identification. When I yell out Joe, Joe turns around.

That's how I know Joe. Unless you're in Brooklyn and you yell out Anthony, 55 guys turn around in the same room, but that's a whole another thing altogether. It's about 20 Anony's in my family.

Um I think they would change a little bit, right? So I was told to sit in this meditation and remove the name. Spirit, just spirit.

No name. It was uncomfortable. No name, just spirit.

It gave depth and weight to what I've heard for years in here that we're spiritual beings have a human experience. I don't have to say, "Okay, God, whenever you're ready for me, I'm going." God saying, "Let's go." And I go with God. That practice showed up in my life by me getting to do things and having the power and the courage to do things that would never been possible for me.

and more importantly being freer. The work we get to do in here with the disciplines in 1011 are way beyond this meeting, way beyond the book, way beyond Alcoholics Anonymous, way beyond any religious community we may belong to because the point is to experiencing the glory of God. Tremendous stuff.

And yet we'll go to contemporary AA meetings and we'll hear all I have to do today is not drink and I'm a winner. Put the plug in a jug. You didn't drink today.

You're a winner. Great. Let me bring love there.

Even if there's no love in that room, let me bring love. I'll experience love. Let me bring love to those people, too, rather than character assassinate them.

I'll challenge what they do, but I won't character assassinate them. But that information short changes what we can get to do in here. I don't think I talked about drinking more than a couple of times tonight.

And when we're awake, we're not talking about drinking or we we'll use it to talk to a new person or to remember our experiences, but we're talking about growing up spiritually. Step 12, page 89 says, "Pract practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with alcoholics, other alcoholics. tremendous promises.

A promise immunity from drinking with intensive work with other drunks. Not like here's my number, give me a call. Sitting down with somebody and moving them through the book.

However God inspires move the book, whether it's line by line, paragraph, bullet the book, we sit down and work with another drunk intensely and watch them wake up. We carry this message through other alcoholics. We can help when no one else can.

We can secure their confidence when others fail. I remember to myself they are very ill. Has my life taken on new meaning?

Have I watched other people recover and watch them help others? Have I seen loneliness vanish? Has I have I seen a fellowship grow around them and me?

Is it one of the bright spots in my life working with other people? Even the prospect who's really challenges you where you got to really work with The neatest thing I've one of the neatest things I've experienced in here is um you get that person where the light in the eyes is out. They're at the bitter end and they show up whether it's after treatment or coming back to AA and even the person who's been around here for a long time and has it just got just untreated and thinking about drinking or taking their life, right?

And you begin to work with them. This is the great power we get that we're no longer powerless and alcoholic synonymous, right? We get to work with those people and they start to wake up and then you walk into home group 20 minutes early and they're up on the stage or in the corner in the car and they're sitting with a prospect.

Call me when you want a drink. They're working with others and then that prospect is working with others. I belonged to a group called the Way Out Group for a few years in Staten Island.

It was a bright spot, one of the bright spots in my life. It what a It was just such a neat place to be. And one of the neatest things about the group was I would get there always about an hour early.

I just like being around the place. And out in the the the park benches that we had there, um there'll be two people here, two people there, a couple people there sitting in the car, walk into the meeting room, couple of people in chair up in a library, couple of people sitting there. There people working all over the place with each other.

And then we go in for the meeting and just share our experiences on recovering. What a what a what a place to be. How often we walk into our home group and you know we have the the the mindless chatter that goes on.

Did you watch the game? How's the weather? And and but that's all we discuss.

Never how's it going for you? How's practice going? How's meditation?

How you doing with amends? You know, where are you right now in the work? I walk into some groups, we'll gossip about the whole planet.

Let's be spiritual now, you know. Okay. Um I only have a few minutes.

Um the part of step 12 is about, you know, carrying this message to other alcoholics. And in that is what our home group is doing. Is my home group carrying the great fact or not?

What am I doing as a sponsor? Am I endorsing someone's delusional mind or am I or am I, you know, pulling the covers when I need to, am I passing on the message in this book, my experience from this book or not? Cuz for me, and and my experience has shown me over and over again, if I look at a group that's getting sick, I go to the elder statesman if they have any.

If someone is in a meeting and is around here for a while and they're they're untreated, I don't go to them. I go to the sponsor. Sick prospect.

Probably a sick sponsor. Sick sponsor. Certainly a sick prospect.

We can't transmit something we haven't got. Our book says and we will what we do. And sometimes that's untreated alcoholism.

Tremendous responsibility we have in passing this message on. How am I doing? How's my group doing?

And am I taking this message to the choir? all the time or am I taking this message to the to the meeting on the Bowery where I may experience a lot of resistance in those contemporary AA meetings or go down to the Barry where it's rough going but pass the message on and maybe maybe plant a seed and someone will get free and live the 12step calls um I've done a lot of them got ugly but it's where God moved me and gave me the power to move through. But I always share about what I feel is the perfect 12step call out of a vision for you.

And then it's it talks again about it in Bill Dodson's story. Lots of times in Alcoholics Anonymous, we're worried about offending the new drunk. Don't talk about God.

You may scare him out. Be careful. He's new.

Watch his feelings or her feelings. Don't, you know, give them the truth and we'll lie to a drunk. Let's talk about your issues today, Joe.

Let's talk about your feelings and your dysfunctional family. You know what? Let's talk about all your enablers.

And we get more angry then than before we showed up, right? Here's what Bill and Bob do. Bill Dodson's laying in the hospital.

And they go up there. It says on the page 156, very bottom, here was a prospect. All right.

Bill Dodson by the description not too promising. The use of spiritual principles in such cases was not so well understood as it is now. One of the friends said put him in a private room will be down.

And he says when they walk in, who are you fellows? Why this private room? I was always in a ward before.

And the way this was explained to me when you went from the ward to a private room, it usually meant you were in serious trouble. So he's laying in this private room saying, "I did it this time. I'm probably going to die.

And I got these two strangers walk into my room, right? Said one of the visitors, we're giving you treatment for alcoholism. They didn't say, "We want to know about your dysfunctional family in your childhood.

We're going to treat you for alcoholism. That's why they're there. And in doing so, they'll save themselves." Right?

It says, "Hopelessness was written large on a man's face as a replied, "That's no use. Nothing's fix nothing's gonna fix me. I'm a Ghana.

The last three times they got drunk on the way home. It says in the next paragraph for an hour, the two friends, the two AA guys told them of their drinking experiences. They auntied up for identification.

They baited him. This is this is our this is our drinking story. They didn't go in with a holier than thou.

They got down to where the guy is spoke his language. What happens over and over? Bill Dodson the I'll call it number three says that's me that's me I drink like that identification one drunk with another he understood their stories he understood where they had been the man on the bed was told of the acute poisoning from which he suffered and how it deteriorates the body they talked about the body and how it warps his mind there was much talk about the mental state preceding the first drink they antie up they tell a guy about the physical part they tell a guy about the mental heart.

They don't hold back. They give him what he's up against. He said, "That's me." The very image he says, "You fellows know your stuff for right, but I don't see what good it'll do." At this couple of sentences, at this both the visitors burst into a laugh.

It says the two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and told him about the course of action they carried out. They give him they antie up for the guy. They tell their story.

They give him the body stuff. They give him the mind stuff. Then they talk about the spiritual and talk about God.

And what's even better than that, the course of action they took to get there. They laid out what they did. You know what happened to this guy?

After about three days, he considered some things that God be able to help him. He never drank again. Bang bang.

Next, let's go get someone else. Rather than wasting time on the stuff we hear in a lot of contemporary AA, middle of the road stuff, problem solution. Do you want it?

We can help. Here's what we did. Let's pull you ashore.

Just hold on. But we get to do an AA resurrected, reborn, and God gives the power to do this. My greatest spiritual teachers have been members, recovered members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That's all I got. Thanks, Okay, >> open up questions, comments. >> Alan Alcoholic.

>> Uh, thanks for sharing, Peter. Um, I want to ask you, um, the last paragraph on page 159 going into the next paragraph on 160. I wanted to get your take on that because it talks about the beginning members and how there was three of them and they uh worked diligently for a year and a half and after a year and a half there was another seven.

So there was 10. And then it talks about what type of meetings they had. And it said um that uh they had they they they met every night and a casual um you know get together and then they set aside one meeting a week um where the beginner or the newcomer could bring their problems.

I I just wanted to get what was your what's your take on on that? I mean I don't you know like what are they talking about? we take on what >> on on what are they talking about in there like you know in where the beginner can or the newcomer can bring his problems.

I mean you you speak about you know about how the contemporary AA about how it's uh you know you go there and it's group therapy or whatever. I I'm I'm just I'm not sure exactly what they meant in there. Is it when they say to bring their problems, are they talking about the alcoholic problem or I mean I don't know the history of uh of AA as much as you guys do.

Um are they talking about you can actually the beginners actually go there and and talk about what's going on in their life, their problems? You know what I'm saying? I mean because it took that it took them a year and a half to get 10 people.

So obviously um they weren't getting many people to follow them around and you know and there wasn't much group therapy going on because otherwise they would have had a ton of people. But you know what I'm saying? So >> a lot of what was going on was going to work with others.

They were doing work having an experience and immediately going to work with others. And they couldn't make 90 meetings in 90 days because it says they went to a meeting a week. And what the neat part was the family was welcome to those places and they brought everything there and they would meet after the meeting the families would get together.

We and in back home in Brooklyn we have coffee breaks in the middle of the meeting. Well, we get up now to go for coffee. That stuff was set aside after the meeting was over.

So, it was about what we can do to help others. and a friend who's who's passed on shared a lot of that stuff with me as to what they did in those places. When I talk about the contemporary AA, I'm talking about sitting down at a meeting and hearing someone say, "Just put the plug in a jug.

Make 90 meetings in 90 days. Don't drink and go to meetings. Play sober softball.

The steps will get you. Um, do a step a year." They weren't talking about that stuff. I can come to you and say, "Hey, Al, this is this is my drama right now." And you were not going to tell me back then, "Double up on your meetings, Pete.

Okay, we're going to work you through this. God's the solution. We're going to help you get past this." But, right, what we're going to be doing all the time is working with other drunks.

See the difference between the two? How many meetings do we go into? And um Okay, anyone want to start off with a topic tonight?

My cat died. 30 people take an hour on that their pets dying and the new person sitting in the back with first meetings wondering this is aa rather than let's take that cat stuff and it's painful we'll go to the diner with that later let's talk about how we recovered from alcoholism you're having trouble financial troubles you're having a relationship troubles we'll share our experience and how we got past that God being a solution okay make it a little clearer Mhm. Right here.

No. Okay. Hey, Pew.

Thanks for uh coming down these past couple weeks. Uh could you give some a little more specifics on on the uh the meditation, you know, uh maybe just some things you do or maybe some other things your other people do as far as you know like you know sitting down. How do you sit down?

Do you sit on your couch? Do you lie down? Do you stand up?

I mean what you know like practically you know what what do you do? You know I mean you wake up an hour early. I mean you know like you know I pray and you know I I'm not a very good meditator.

I've never been. Uh, and I could use it. So, you know, if you could maybe expand a little more on, you know, like practically, I mean, what do you do?

>> Okay, first things first, what I was talking about earlier, the the the no-name stuff, if you heard what you just said, um, gave you a meditation tape. >> Okay, that answers that question. Um, you you said something that's really neat, though.

Uh, I've I have never been able to meditate. I have never been a meditator. That go back to the no-name stuff.

Your name, you can't do that. That's what you're saying. I've never been able to do it.

Therefore, I can't do it. So, I'm probably never going to grow in this area. Right.

There are lots of books out there, lots of CDs out there on how to do this from trying it for the first time to uh as we uh evolve with this. But to answer part of your question because we don't have enough time and we can talk about this afterwards. Posture and breath.

Some of us sit some of us um sit in a chair or or get in a posture on on a meditation mat. Posture and breath are the the two things that I was told from the very beginning. You you'll you'll see a meeting um okay we're going to have three minutes of meditation before the meeting.

we can't, you know, or lean over in posture and breath. And it isn't because God's saying, "Hey, Joe, your your posture is wrong, so therefore you're not going to experience me." It's for us posture and breath. And we can the breathing.

Every book I've studied with meditation talked about breath. Now, um, maybe there's books out there that don't talk about breath, but I haven't gotten to one yet. Every book I've read talks about breath.

I saw a gentleman who has a jillion books out, one of my heroes, and I got to see him in person. and he had all his students out on stage and um about 500 people did this like 40-minute meditation and this chanting and he begins to speak and I'm waiting for these glorious words about he's going to give me the secret to meditation that no one else knows. You know what he talked about over and over and over breath.

I was flawed breath. Okay. >> I was just wondering um your spiritual experience was it incremental or was it a sudden?

>> Great question. A book says sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly to build W experience or the educational variety over time. Here's what I found out that best answers that question.

When God shows up, God shows up and it's profound. It's sudden. It's revolutionizing.

We may get it uh spoonfed to us, but when we finally wake up that something's different, it feels profound. So, there were people looking at me saying, "You've changed. You're changing.

You don't see it." And I didn't. And then one day it blasted upon me that my whole life was different. My whole thinking was different.

And it was completely uplifting. When God shows up, God shows up. I'd have to say from an intellectual place that it was probably over time, but I don't like to say that because I just woke up to it and that's how my mind reflects upon it.

If I think back to things that happened to me, they were all profound moments. For example, I was in a halfway house in Hastings, Minnesota. Town population was me and a cow.

Basically, that was it. And I'm in serious trouble. And they told me to pray.

And I'm praying like the desperate for Johnny Man. And I'm just God, please. I don't want to go back to where I just left off.

I'm just squeezing hands together. Please. I have um one pair of pants and a shirt to my life and an old pair of sneakers that were given to me and I'm living in this halfway house.

And it was a Saturday um not yet noon. I I can't I've shared this maybe three times in my life. Um there was some guys outside playing basketball and I I finished praying and I'm I'm told desperate prayer.

Please don't take me back to what I just left off. I'll do anything. Pray.

Keep me clean and sober. And I sat on the edge of the bed and then something happened. I didn't know it until it was over.

But there was something that went went on within me that I can't describe. But it was the most comfort or bliss. I don't know if it lasted for a minute or an hour.

I I have no idea. What I do remember is two things. I looked around the room and it looked different, like as if I wasn't in the same room for a brief moment.

The guys who were playing basketball, they were really loud. They were right below my window. When I was done with that experience, I realized I didn't hear them.

When I got out of that place, they were they were going again. I heard them and I says, "I didn't hear them." It was an incredible thing that went on within me and it was one of the first tastes of I think I'm going to be okay. I couldn't describe it at the time.

I know what it is now. But I could not say, "Wow, I just had a God experience. Let me go to home group and share." It was too great to even share.

It was too pure to to take away inner sharing. Maybe that's why I've only shared this a couple of times in my whole sober life. So, we can say little by slowly, but when we get that stuff, something happens.

And what came out of that was that first little thing of I think I'm going to be okay. And I couldn't describe that. Okay.

So >> waiting until I get I have this bad tendency of waiting. I'm Susan. I'm an alcoholic.

I have this bad tendency of waiting until um my life gets chaotic of getting back to doing the right things and getting back into order. I get real lazy in between. It's a pattern.

Um you know, I've been sober a few 24s and but I I don't want to drink and um God's been really good to me. Um, but a lot of difficult things have been going on financially with work and contract. The contract crashed and I don't have a job and a lot of the things you just said I was like, "Oh man, God equals silence and and get out of my own brain." And but um I guess my question is how do you stay I repeatedly Peter I've known you since Staten Island when I got sober and um I repeatedly hear that you stay on the path and I want to know how you stay so diligent in the times when it's easy.

you know, you get caught up in the job and everything seems to be going good and I'm starting to pay the bills off and you know, you know, I recently made a huge move from the West Coast and I I just I'm starting to go whoa, you know, and and it all kind of crashed through last week and I'm back to the basics, but that's where I seem to go and God always seems to be there and I'm sure he's there in between, but you know, I'm probably not giving back. And I guess I want to know what how do you stay so diligent? Um, you know, and level and balance.

I I have have a problem with balance. >> First things first, I've taken no credit for anything uh good in my life. I'll take full responsibility anything I screw up and fall short.

I got real clear, real clear of myself. I am nothing. The father doeth the works.

I got real clear on that. I got real clear on what happens to me when I move away from this. I got really clear on that.

And I got really clear on praying for willingness to do this work. You've heard me share it a million times from doing these type of deals. I pray for willingness as I did at the very beginning 18 years later.

I turn to my heavenly father. Thank you for the willingness to continue doing this work because based on me I'm resting on my laurels and a and a and a prey to my external conditions. I feel good.

My life is manageable. I'm good. Don't need to continually seek this.

23 to 43. Those pages got me real clear on I need to be a seeker of God or I I'll experience the or else they talk about. And I only got clear on that not because it's a you know this special club that some of us get to visit.

I got real clear on that because my life was so much in the toilet when I got here and my first six months in Alcoholics Anonymous and my bottoming out from time to time. I've argued with God. I bargained with God over the last 18 years.

I try to manipulate God like I was a God stronger than God. But I got real clear on those three things. Of myself, I am nothing.

The father doeth the works. I show up to the altar like a willing student. You point me.

I'm real clear in what happens to me when I point me. What I'm working with um I started to get into my current practice. I got away from it.

One of the things I'm praying for willing not only to do this work but I'm working with four words purity, honesty, unselfishness and love. Tall order. I'm working with that.

I see little things manifesting from time to time that is not of me. Okay, we're out of time. Thank you.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.