AA Speaker – Louise C. – Los Angeles, CA – 2015
Louise C. from Los Angeles shares her journey from blackout drinking and homelessness at 15 to finding purpose through service work and sponsorship in AA. A story of transformation through commitment.
Louise C. from Los Angeles, CA got sober on August 8th, 1993, after years of blackout drinking, family displacement, and watching her mother die while she was still actively drinking. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through how a no-nonsense sponsor named Rita pushed her into service work, commitments at meetings, and ultimately showed her how caring for others—like her elderly family friend—became the pathway to her own recovery and spiritual awakening.
Louise C. shares how she went from being kicked out of her home at 15 due to alcoholism to finding sobriety through AA commitments and service work. Her sponsor Rita challenged her to move beyond meetings into real acts of service—including caring for an elderly woman—which became the turning point in her spiritual growth and emotional sobriety. Louise discusses how sponsorship, acceptance of her unknown father, and learning to show up for others transformed her from a self-centered drunk into someone capable of genuine love and service.
Episode Summary
Louise C.’s story begins in Venice, California, in the 1950s and 60s—a tight-knit Scottish and Irish community where her mother, a single parent from Glasgow, drank openly every night while Louise watched from the living room. Her mother loved her fiercely but couldn’t hide the chaos of her own disease. At 13, Louise discovered alcohol at a party and felt an instant, powerful connection. She got drunk differently than her friends—the feeling was exactly what she’d been looking for without knowing it. From that first blackout with a drummer on Lincoln Boulevard to waking up in the back of a pickup truck in an alley, Louise was off to the races.
By 15, her mother had locked the doors to keep her out. Louise bounced between homes—families taking her in briefly before asking her to leave. Her mother was dying of cancer, and Louise was too deep in her disease to be present for her. She was still drinking when her mother passed in 1987. It took six more years of chaos before Louise hit a moment of clarity on August 8th, 1993, and walked into AA.
What saved Louise wasn’t just meetings—it was a woman on the phone who made the 12-step call, and later, her sponsor Rita. These women didn’t let her hide. Rita told her to get commitments, go to women’s stag meetings, build a network of sober women. But the real work came when Rita pushed Louise into service outside the rooms. She made Louise care for Deary, an elderly family friend, several days a week while Deary’s daughter got a break. Louise had to make coffee, run baths, answer the same questions over and over, stay present even when Deary didn’t remember her.
One night, as Louise sat on the floor in front of Deary’s chair watching their movie for the fifth time that day, Deary looked down at her, her memory suddenly clear, and said: “Your mama would be so proud of you today.” Louise called Rita sobbing. Rita told her: “You’re just one of God’s kids taking care of one of God’s kids. You’re giving back, and that’s what we learned to do here.”
This shift—from being the center of the universe to being of use to others—became the spiritual experience Louise needed. She talks about working through her resentments in Step 4, her anger at never knowing her father, and the letter of amends she wrote to a man she’d never met. Her aunt eventually revealed the truth: Louise’s mother had been raped in 1965, and the family had quietly protected her. Years later, on Father’s Day, Louise felt genuine happiness for people with loving fathers instead of rage. She’d let it go. She’d given it to God.
Today, Louise talks about her marriage, her stepchildren—especially her stepson Daniel, who suffered a serious brain injury playing football—and how she practices principles in her daily life. She laughs about how her first instinct is still arrogance and control, how she still wants to fix people and tell them what to do. But the tools are there now. She sits with her husband when there’s a hard decision. She stays on her side of the street. She learned to show up for her stepson by actually listening to him talk about football, even though she doesn’t understand a thing about it—because that’s what love looks like. Louise’s talk is less about hitting bottom and more about the years of building a life through service, sponsorship, and learning to get out of her own way so God can work.
Notable Quotes
I just kept doing that. I went to like two and three meetings a day. I went to women’s stag. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t happy. But I couldn’t wait to get to the meeting because I wanted to hear whoever was sharing. I needed to hear that. I needed to relate to that.
You’re just one of God’s kids taking care of one of God’s kids. You’re giving back, and that’s what we learned to do here.
I have to live like that, and I can’t live your life holding your fist up wondering who it is, what’s the answer, what is the whole deal. You have to let it go and you have to pray to that on a daily basis.
I realized I have held every man that has come into my life accountable for having a chip on my shoulder for not knowing who my dad is. Like, I don’t like it if you’re nice, I don’t like it if you’re mean, I don’t like it if you ignore me—I just go crazy.
That’s love, you know. I’m interested in what he’s saying. I don’t know a thing about what he’s talking about, but I sit there and watch just like when he was little, and I’ve realized that’s love.
Service Work
Acceptance
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Family & Relationships
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Sponsorship
- Service Work
- Acceptance
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Family & Relationships
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker now let’s welcome tonight’s speaker Louise C thank you I’m I’m Louise and I’m an alcoholic I hope I didn’t mess up the tape anyway okay um I’m Louise and I’m an alcoholic and um I want to thank Denny for having me here tonight and it was fun to walk in and see a lot of people that I know and um and thank you for your warm welcomes I okay let me synchronize my watch so I’m not kicked out at the last minute um I um my sobriety date is August the 8th 1993 um I don’t know why that is my sobriety date because there were many other the reasons prior to that that God it was a good idea she ought to get sober you know and change her life uh but it um it was just that Mo that little window that came that morning and um and I just I just though that pathway and I just followed it and I want to keep it so I just do whatever is asked of me um I do a lot of what I don’t feel like doing um I take uh a contrary action and I um and as a result of that you know my life is pretty balanced out and it feels good I was um I grew up down in Venice with my mom and it was just the two of us and she was Scottish she was from Glasgow and she had really thick Scottish accent and she um she sat on the edge of the sofa she drank she knitted really fast she watched TV she um drank really tall drinks and talked on the phone and um and took sleeping pills and could never sleep so this was like her routine and I sat on the shy carpet in front of the TV and played with all my Barbie dolls I just love my Barbie dolls and I just got rid of them about 3 years ago and I sent him down to Mexico cuz I have a stepdaughter and God forbid she’s going to be playing with those you know cuz I get a little jealous still sometimes so I just um I don’t want her playing with Tuesday Taylor and spinning her head around and um so anyways I just I sent him somewhere else but I um you know I was just a shy quiet little girl and my mom um she just adored me she just wanted to love her daughter and I just I was always presentable she just always had me on display and my my friends would come over we had a lot of kids in our neighborhood and they would come over and they would say what is she saying and I would translate my mom would do this kind of thing you know taking me in the other room and she says what the bloody hell are you doing and I say well I’m translating they don’t understand you and she goes it’s bloody English you could tell them to get out ahead and I’m like oh my God you know it’s already starting and um they just asked you know can I have some water or something I mean just weird so um anyways that’s just how it was and uh so I enjoyed going over to your house and I didn’t care you know if your dad was beating your mom I mean I felt bad for her but it just I didn’t ask any questions I was a really good friend I just because I didn’t want you asking questions when you came over to my house like where’s your daddy because honey I don’t know I don’t have an answer to that um we couldn’t ask a lot of questions in our house so you couldn’t ask if you can’t ask what’s for dinner you can’t ask you know who’s my daddy and um I just knew you know you got to be quiet around Sadie um because she’s got to just stay you know calm and smooth so um when there were a lot of Scottish people and Irish people that were in our little neighborhood and the ones that are still alive still live in their little homes down there in our in our neighborhood and uh every Saturday night I would watch my mom get ready we she was always wallpapering and fixing up the house and stuff and um we had this we shared this bedroom and it was all that white furniture from Sears with the little gold on it and stuff and the canopy bed and we had these big floral wallpaper all over and stuff and she’ put inglebert Humper in on the radio and um her album and she’d have her tall you know her highball and stuff and this is like in in the 70s she found that you know blue eyes Shadow and and do her hair she was very tall and blonde and um she had beautiful blue eyes and she wore those long kind of gowns that women wore in the in the 70s and stuff and Engle Bird’s singing and she’s drinking her highball and smoking her cigarettes and putting on all her makeup and doing her hair and the French twist and stuff and we had one of those um on the dresser the styrofoam head you know with her little hairpiece on it and stuff that she just picked up from the hairdresser that day you know cuz she’s you know it’s Saturday night party night and stuff and anyway then she’d finish her drink she’d go over you know she’d get the little hairpiece on we’d be really quiet you know she so was on you know super steady and straight and stuff and U put you know put all the pins in and go to that tall can aquanette and just lacquer the whole thing up and stuff just I still have a bad cough you know with that today and um I’m convinced it’s her fault you know and um was on the for first four step um anyway so oh all that when they said let loose on that for step I did everything you know Sean Stars stealing my first Barbie doll you know I kicked that kid every chance I got and um and it felt good and I didn’t have a drink yet but that’s how it felt felt good so um and my and when my second sponsor said you’re a bully I thought how a nice girl like me how could I be a bully and uh anyway so you know my mom would finish getting all ready she’d put on her little Estee Lauder youth Dew perfume and and she’d look over at me and she’d go right come on we’re going over to the party and um you know all the Scottish and Irish people would take turns you know at each other’s house and stuff and and um someone would bring a microphone like this or little speaker and a drum or two sticks and that was Uncle Mike and he was the band they called him the band and um so and then everybody brought their own big bottles and and they’d have their names on them and their record player their little records with their names on them and stuff and and they just have a good time and you go around and hug and kiss all your aunts and uncles because my mom would say you know we’re all related through the drink and those are aunts and uncles and it just made sense and um so I had one aunt my mom’s one youngest sister was that was in this country she’s the only one that came here um besides my mom and that would be there too and anyways they they would tell stories and the microphone would go around and sing their songs and stuff and When Auntie would sing her song she was like a little teaspoon drunk you know just a little bit and she’s gone I mean she’s gone it’s like a shame what a waste you know and uh it was just it’s like suffering to watch her like try to drink and um and then she’s singing you know you know Stella By Starlight and she wanted to be a performer and her teeth would come flying out and the Scottish people just had a bad time her teeth and so um you know Uncle Mike would do the sticks on the drums and um and he’d say dny move aa’s lost your Wallies and um that’s teeth and so then he’d go oh dny move the Dougs got him the dogs chewing on them like a ra hi in the corner and stuff and my aunt’s very feisty even at like 80 she’s 83 today she’s still feisty and um still has that dream of being a performer I don’t disappoint her and um so she ever wants to sing I let her um but I kind of you know you got to watch it if the teeth are going to fall out um but anyway so she would just get them and dunk them in someone’s drink and put them on and finish her song and so anyways then people just got over that real quick and then I my mom would sing and they just all were very happy people until like it was like 2:00 or 3: in the morning and someone mentioned the pope and we weren’t Catholic the rest of them were so I thought the Pope I really thought it was a bad word um because nothing good came out of anybody saying something about the pope they just kind of look at each other in the we go and we get real quiet and then you’d hear the Irish one go ah Jesus Mary and bloody Joseph there’s going to be a fight and then boom you know it started and um they’re outside and my mom’s out there hitting men it’s the only time I ever saw her have contact with a man just know God now I know she must had some resentments going and um and all the little allanon aunties are you know they got the kettle on stack of sandwiches like that and um just trying to get everybody in all the kids want to be outside and watch cuz it’s the action and stuff and and the next day everybody comes and helps clean up and they’re all friends again it’s just the way they roll you know they they were just that like that and um and they’re very supportive like if someone was going I remember we were going to Scotland a lot and the whole they would all Caravan and and take you to the airport and when you were coming home they would all be there because you can go to the gate then and stuff and they were just like this this sweet little community that had its quirks and um anyways I was about I don’t know 13 14 it was summertime and my friend friend Joanne and I um heard about uh a band that was going to play uh in a backyard in Venice and we thought well we better go CU now we’re getting into boys and stuff and I just had a thing for guys with really long hair and all that and anyway so I I picked her up on my cruiser and we um we ended up at a looker store someone bought us two bottles of Boon farm and um then I don’t know if we went in alley behind Bush what what we did but I cracked that bottle open I didn’t know what it was um but it was a nice size and that made me kind of happy and then I just started drinking that Boon farm and um it didn’t taste that great but I just love the feeling instantly that It produced in my body and how it just what it did to my brain and I just felt so happy and um and Jan’s spitting it up she’s gagging she’s only got the neck down I feel so sorry for her and um because it was clear that it wasn’t doing anything for her but it was doing a whole heck of a lot for me and um anyway so I finished her bottle and for some reason she got on the handlebars and let me drive the bike after two bottles of wons Farm but anyway so we made to that party I don’t remember much but um I remember like you know meeting this guy and he was um this drummer in another band so um and he was a lot older than me and anyway so you know I don’t know if it was a few days later when it was he comes cruising Along on his bike and um I’m all ready to go out and and my mom’s looking out her her curtains going you’re not going out with that now and he had this long scraggly hair these bandanas these you you just look like a scruffy thing and I loved it and uh I thought you bet I am so I got out there I jumped on those handlebars and um we went down Li Boulevard to Joe’s liquor and he said um okay wait out here and um and I did and he came back in out and he had a big brown bag and he said hold on to this and I thought okay you know and I looked inside and it was a big bottle it was clear and it said 151 and um I didn’t know what that was but I just thought wow okay and it’s big so I got excited and then there was a 2 L bottle of coke a bag of ice and um so romantic two cups upside down on the neck and um I just thought you bet I will I just got really excited thought you bet I’ll hold on to this and um and then way we went down Lincoln Boulevard you know up up Superba to penmar and I thought oh my God I remember summertime um you know it’s just you know Sun’s just going down from from the day and I holding on to this I can smell his hair kind of whipping in the wind you know and I thought oh I have no idea going but I thought wow what a lucky girl am I I’m going on a date I’m so excited I’m so thrilled and I didn’t even know like what you know no my mother never sat me down and told me what a date you know what you do or whatever anyway so we ended up at penmar Park and he pulls up you know to a bench and takes the bag from me and starts pouring some drinks and um gosh I just loved it I didn’t know like what was going on but a ton of kids show up and it was kind of like those um those places you start where you’re going to you may you may even end up there or I go right into a blackout it’s like the dream of Genie show blink o okay here I am you know blink oh I’m talking to you you know blink oh now we’re at the beach and you’re not my boyfriend like what happen you know like like the scene and the people have changed and um but I never care they seem kind of exciting you know just go with it and that’s what I did you know I always was coming out of blackout I came out of blackout I was blonde I had no idea how that happened and um I got out of the shower and I was just at the beach all day and and I was like oh my God you know I was just just blonde and um and then it turned orange and I had to shave it all you know just really cut it short and stuff and it was that super sun in if any of you remember that from the 80s and it says you know you sprits it in and enhances your natural highlight so I poured the whole bottle on somebody told me on my head I was out there in the sun all day and you know I just do weird stuff like that and um just you know I came out of blackout once I was in a golf cart and it was night time and I thought o I didn’t know you can golf at night you know I was like really like confused like do these things like glow in the dark or like like how do you do and we’re not even in a in a at a golf course it’s a parking lot like I was really confused but that’s the thing you can’t let them know that that was always those Secrets can’t let them know that I got to just act like you know oh yeah and the guy’s like do you see it and I’m thinking I guess I’m looking for a golf ball you know it was just so weird and um it was like it didn’t click till later you know I had been at a concert and I lost my car and the GU driving me around you know on this thing so it’s just but to connect all those dots it’s so confusing because you can miss days and not even know like what the heck and so I could be talking about something that happened three days ago and they’re like no you’re here now or something it’s like really weird so it was awful confusing but it was very exciting to me um to always be drunk and being a blackout it was so exciting to me but it wasn’t to my mother I can tell you that she would um she started just um you know locking the doors at night she didn’t want me in oh do you need something there’s aor oh is there a doctor here I’m a nurse call 911 okay okay where we does he need Okay so B should we say a prayer okay all right well okay um maybe we should just have a moment of silence and say a little prayer okay let’s bow our heads and do that please okay okay Denny I have a water if you need water this hasn’t been open go ahead okay all right we we’ll try we’ll try to do the best we can here feel bad okay so um alcoholism took me down really quick but um but I just kept going um when I was 15 my mother I came home one day cuz she started lock double bolting the doors and I wouldn’t let me in I would stay away for weekends I love going down to inada you can forget about stuff down there you know you come back with a whole set of new problems but you can forget about everything all the ones go on your way down that you’ve got and I remember coming out of a blackout I knew I was down there but I came out of a blackout it was morning you know those mornings you’d come to and like your head is pressed against something it’s either sand dirt grass you know those sharp blades are horrible and um or you know this time it was it was something hot it was hot metal and um and I came to and I felt the sun beating on on my face and it was hot metal and when I when I looked around I was in the back of a pickup truck in an alley and I have no idea how I got there um I had no idea like who’s try nothing but I I never like stopped to kind of um try to figure it out it was like I got to get out of here and get going you know because who knows who’s going to come back if someone I didn’t know what happened and still to this day I don’t there were a lot of those things and anyway so so my mom was um she was locking the doors and um from the inside so I couldn’t get in she had all new locks put on and um because I was harming her and uh we just we we weren’t getting along at all and I came home one morning um it was probably about I don’t know 5 or 6 in the morning she was sitting there and she just took one look at me I was 15 years old and she said you can’t live here anymore you’re just breaking my heart I can’t I can’t go through this anymore and um and she probably did like the bravest thing a parent could do was just like you without having any allanon any tools in her she just surrendered and said I can’t live like this and therefore you can’t live here and I called some people and it took a few phone calls and somebody took me in and this family um I lived with them for a little while and they were very kind to me and but I wasn’t any different I was still doing the same thing and they um one day they came to me and they said you have to go you know our our home has no Harmony in it anymore there’s no peace here with you and um and I remember I all scratched my head thinking what’s wrong with these people I just want to have a good time you know I’m a nice person and um like what’s their problem you know they’re pretty boring I just had this all this judgment is the time like I’m moving boxes and I’m the one that’s homeless and um and and they’re in their home just comfortable and then I lived with another family and I lived there for a little while and the same stuff was happening and then they asked me the same thing to leave and I finally um I went back home I didn’t tell my mom that I um had gotten removed from all those those other homes and she let me let me come in and it was not it was wasn’t any nothing was different and I um we went to Scotland we came back and she was feeling really sick and she went to the doctor and she was diagnosed with cancer and she um she died within 6 months I was still drinking that’s when I I wasn’t coming home a lot I um it was probably it was really embarrassing to ever admit what kind of daughter I was to my mother while she was dying I thought I would never ever tell anybody how I was um I never took care of her I think I fed her once and I gave her one bath um I just I I couldn’t do it I I couldn’t see any farther than here it was all about me um I had so much going on in my head I didn’t know how to be of love and service until I came here and you showed me how to do that I didn’t know how to care for anybody when I um when I got sober my mom died July 3rd 1987 and it took me quite a number of years years to get here and when I got here on August the 8th 1993 um the woman who made the 12-step call on me said you need to um you need to get commitments and I didn’t know she was so excited about that and I didn’t know um what that meant like why are you so excited about me like picking up stuff off the ground and um she said that’s how you’re going to be sober you’re going to stay sober today because you thought of others you you cleaned up your meeting place you’ve got a little job and I just kept doing that I I went to like two and three meetings a day um I went to women’s stag she said it’s really important to go to a stag I did that oh good they’re here and um and so anyways and she said you have to go to women’s stag those women are going to get to know you because if you can’t get a hold of me you’ve got a whole phone list of all these women and they know you and um so it’s not so hard to pick up the phone and that’s what I did and those women saved me you know they were quite a a crew of women and um and then I would just tell myself whatever I was doing at the time and um and I was just you know I thought okay I’m sober I haven’t taken a drink like in you know 30 or 60 days I should be fine now you know everything should be good and it was they would just laugh at me because I would say like why am I doing this like I can’t even go to the market I get an anxiety attack I mean I go into a cold sweat and um this oldtime Gloria she said is that the same Market you went to when you were drinking and it’s like well yeah it’s a mar Market in my neighborhood and she’d said then you need to go to a different Market even if you have to drive 5 miles away go to a different market and and don’t go through the liquor department and you know she’d tell me all these um all these tools for living so you keep going keep going just keep going okay to B should keep okay P thing foror what’s that okay oh who thank God they came and got him really fast you know so oh he wasn’t by himself um um anyway so okay it just um anyways when I came here to you I was told a lot to get commitments and I thought that that was a really weird thing to do but I did it I did it I didn’t know what else to do I didn’t want to go back to drinking I wanted to be sober and um so I did whatever you told me to do I um I went to a lot of meetings I didn’t like it I wasn’t happy I wasn’t it wasn’t like oh boy I’m going to go to meeting tonight but I couldn’t wait to get to the meeting for this purpose I wanted to hear whoever was sharing I wanted to hear what you were like I needed to hear that I needed to relate to that so then when you said what you were like today you gave me hope and then I could do the commitment you know um in this women’s day we had um this crew of women there was Debbie she was waiting she were pag her cuz she was waiting for um for a liver and um and then she did the coffee and it was just this little coffee Mr Coffee thing from CVS and so they said Louise you better take on the coffee because if Debbie gets the call so you know God forbid there’s no coffee at the meeting you know um you better take on that coffee and I thought oh my God okay and um and it was just this little crew of women this round robin kind of meeting so I you know I went home with Mr Coffee and I started practicing because you know it’s all about me that’s what I do and um so I’m practicing and it’s making a lot of noise you know something’s going on with this it’s it’s broke I just know it and I I always would call Debbie they kind of assigned her to me and I would call her and I’m like you know Deb I know you’re waiting for a liver but like I got a problem right now that needs an answer like you know so we need to focus on Wheezy now and um and she would just laugh at the end of the end of the phone and I’m like listen it’s making noise you know it didn’t do this when you were making the coffee she’s like well yeah cuz you weren’t consumed with you know with me making the coffee cuz were too busy thinking about yourself and um and so anyway she’s like don’t worry about it it was just so weird like those things that I would get so twisted up about you know just so twisted up and um and then I got when I was about three and a half years sober I was really afraid I was going to drink again because it was sounding really good I was breaking dishes in my house and the feeling that I got from breaking those dishes was like a feeling after I cracked open a 12pack of Mickey’s big mouth you know it was just a good sigh and I thought that’s coming next I just know it and um so I called this woman I had met at a conference named Rita and I went to um she was part of the Pacific group and so I went there and she told me um what meetings I was going to what I was going to do how early to get the you know she me this whole rundown of what to do and I thought oh my God I drove away with what the heck did I get myself into um oh my god well I got to tell you I just surrendered to her and she saved my life um from three to like nine years of sobriety that I had um then she moved away and I got another sponsor but she made me go through those steps again she um she made me be of service outside of the room so those commitments I had I now had to take a commitment out into other areas of my life she said who is in your family that you could be of service to and there was this lady and I I just want to tell you this story and um before I stop and her name was Deary and I knew her since I was like six years old and she was this little old lady and she was like my adopted grandma and I called her Deary and this older she got the little she got and she was just this cute little doll I mean she was the sweetest thing and she drove this big old linkoln continent all you saw was a little white poof at the top you know when she was driving down the street she lived up in a big house in Malibu off the cliff I love going up there and just listening to the ocean you know we’d snuggle up at night and just hear the ocean and um she was like a dream this little lady and she loved Christmas like she would come down you know from her house in her big Lincoln and she’ have all these Hefty bags she was like she and I think what the the heck is in here and it was like all like look what Santa Claus is bringing you know and she was just so she like a little kid just loved it and dery was getting older and her daughter who I call my Aunt Ruth they just lived a few doors down from each other in the same place my mom and I grew I grew up and anyway so I thought oh Deary because you know a Aunt Ruth probably needs help so I called Aunt Ruth and I said can I come over and stay with Deary and why don’t you go out for dinner or something with a girlfriend cuz she was kind of like tied to having to take care of her and all there was was silence on the phone and I thought what’s wrong you know oh my God what am I doing wrong you know what I mean and um like I got to call Rita and um and she’s like really it’s like yeah and so I did I I went down she just went to a quick dinner she was back like an hour and I I think there just wasn’t that trust you know for this and anyways so I always um I did it regularly all the time and before I knew it Aunt R’s calling me you know I’m going to go to Palm Springs for the weekend you know you come down take care of Deary fine and now it’s Italy for two months you know I mean it became like oh boy and but you know I loved it I um I would stay at at Ruth’s apartment and take care of Dey during the day and at night and tuck her I tuck her in um I would um I’d get up in the morning and go down to see her cu the night before now I know how to make the coffee cuz you taught me I had that woman’s commitment at that stay so I knew how I’d set up her coffee the night night before and I’d have her little her little coffee cake and what she liked I’d have it all set up for her so in the morning I’d go in and she had already eaten and drank her coffee and um she would be sitting watching TV and I’d go in and she would ask the same question over and over and over like where’s Ruth and I would think I’m doing something wrong you know it’s all personal and um and I call Rita and I’m like I’m doing something wrong you know she keeps asking for Aunt Ruth she keeps asking me all these other you know she had short-term memory boss and and Rita and I said this is getting on my nerves you know I can’t take this and um and she said you know what you have Al we’re you’re a member of alcoholic synonymous you’re a sober woman today you have to behave with love and service um you have to go in there and when she ask that question you have to turn your your your memory off that she’s already asked that and that this you have to react to her as if it’s the first time she’s asking this question and give her the answer with joy and love and I thought oh my God like what an order you know and um so I thought okay you know I can do this and she said think about all those things This Woman’s Done for you because that switch goes off you know all the time with in my alcoholism that switch would go off it wouldn’t think about what PE the kindness that people gave to me and the patience people had for me and so I had to do that for Deary and I’d say okay well should go want to watch a movie and I’d say sure and I um say okay what do you want to watch and because I knew the answer and she said put my John Wayne movie on Donovan’s Reef we’d watch that sometimes five times a day you know through the night watch it over and over and I had I watched it like it was the first time we were watching it and stuff and and um and then at night I’d make her her dinner I would run the bath and um and I would give her a bath she had her favorite little towel I wash her back and just massage her do what do her hair and um and I dry her all off put her little pajamas on her and I’d sit her in her chair and um I would do her nails and and put lotion on her face and she’s go oh this feels so good and and and rub her feet and and just pamper her you know and um and then this one night you know we’re doing our same little routine and I was sitting um on the floor in front of her chair and we’re watching Donovan’s Reef and uh anyway and she’s she’s just I had long hair at the time she’s just you know doing this with my hair you know rubbing it and stuff and and I looked up at her and it was like all of a sudden her memory she was there and she was looking right at me and she’d said your mama would be so proud of you today and I was just like whoa that was like that to for me that was like a spiritual experience completely and I couldn’t wait to tuck her in to go back um to Aunt Roose and called Rita and I said I told Rita about it and I said I can’t believe this because you’re saying to be of love and service to to others and I’m doing it but I feel like I feel better you know like I’m getting the prize out of this whole thing and um and she said you’re just one of God’s kids taking care of one of God’s kids you know you’re giving back and that’s what we learned to do here and she said um and then she get that serious uh voice and say you know what Louisa drunk like you you got to keep doing this stuff you can’t stop you got to go go go and so I’ve been going going going ever since and um anyways I think that’s my time so I’m going to stop thank you okay anybody have a question that I hope I have an answer to oh how did I face that r in recovery oh okay okay the question was um that I never I knew that I never knew my father and then how did I face that once I got into alcoholic synonymous right okay so um not well not well I um I was I was very angry I was very angry um at my mother for never telling me I got escorted out of the hospital when she was dying because she would not tell me uh I was asked to not come back um because I was um I was bullying her and she would not tell me and my aunt would never tell me and I when I got to Rita and did another inventory she had me write a letter of am men’s to my father and I I learned early on you don’t debate and you don’t you don’t negotiate with your I’m asking someone for their time and it’s somebody obviously they have what I want so in my head I I I need to Just Surrender and have a little trust there and but I drove home thinking didn’t you remember I don’t know the man like what’s what What men’s do I owe here um but I thought you know what I’m just going to say a prayer and I’m going to write this letter and I still have it I keep it in the side of my my bed and and um I just started off I don’t know you and I don’t remember the whole thing but it was um but as I got to the end of that I realized I have held every man that has come into my life not on a a p just just going to the hardware store like I will beat you up I I have held every man accountable that I have come into contact with for having a chip on my shoulder for not knowing who my dad is like I don’t like if you’re nice I don’t like it if you’re mean I don’t like it if you ignore me I don’t like if you give me too much attention like I just go crazy and um and I I I I saw that and I had to go and read it to Rita and um she said now every man is off the hook and you have to continue to live like that so you guys are lucky tonight aren’t you hey you you know it’s a good night in Brentwood um so I just um I had to live like that and then she said and the other thing is you can’t you can’t live your life holding your fist up wondering who it you know what’s what’s the answer you what is the whole deal you have to let it go and you have to pray to that on a daily basis and I started doing that and um and I just let it go and my aunt and I were together this was probably about eight maybe eight or six years ago I don’t remember but we were down in Palisades I had her helping me do a job and we were coming home and um and she said you know you’re never supposed to know this but you’re different like I used to take her out a lot and she would she would just start crying and i’ say what’s wrong like oh my god do you have cancer you die you know what’s wrong and she would say um you’re just so different I just don’t like you’re just so different and um you’ve just changed so much and so that’s what she said you know that night youve changed so much and you were never supposed to know this but your your mother was raped and your mother came to us that morning the next day and we moved her in immediately and we just took care of her and she stay her boss her boss gave her the Dignity of every morning coming to my aunt’s apartment bringing my mom her work my aunt said I would help her do her work cuz your mom was just my was very depressed and suicidal and she said but we did her work for the day and your boss would take yesterday’s work to work because in 1965 it just wasn’t socially accept acceptable for a woman to have a child and let alone be taken advantage of and um and last Father’s Day um I was on social media and I saw everybody posting about their dads and pictures and all this stuff and usually I would get so angry inside and that wasn’t happening I um I thought God how nice how lovely like all these people have these memories of their fathers and I felt happy for them it was the first time I really felt that joy and wrote on there um you know I’ve really enjoyed everybody’s you know photos and stuff and however I never knew who my dad was um but I and I started thinking of men that I know in alcoholic synonymous who have stepped up to the plate and have taken Soul custody of their children my husband included and have just have just followed a path and just raised their kids and I start talking about you know how I they’re just good they’re good men and one of those like Scottish Irish cousins private messaged me and said you mean you don’t know like you really don’t know and I said no what are you talking about and anyway so it turned out we talked and um and uh it was a man my mom worked with it was a man that was married to another Scottish woman it was really weird um and I knew him I used to play with his children um I have step step CH uh siblings and um then I knew I had pictures of them I had no idea I had pictures Pi of these people and um he’s like would do you want to do you want to get in touch with them like now you know people get on that bang wag wagon and want to find the answer for you and I’m just like no I you know I’m an alcohol anonymous I don’t go my first thought was I don’t go somewhere to walk into your life so to make me comfortable and now I’ve wrecked you you know you don’t this your dad you know so and then so I’m just letting it be and now I know and it’s this is the other weird thing I found out um there was a girl I went to high school with that we were actually friends and she’s my cousin and it’s it’s just a trip and I’m just going to leave it at that for now you know because if anything else I feel like I’m forcing the will and it’s I can’t live in that will today after to live in God so anyway thank you for that question I’m sorry for the long answer anybody else Jerry thank you so much um getting sober is such a big adjustment from the life we liveed before alcohol in your first five years of sobriety were there any struggles that that come to mind and how did you deal with just the struggle of around your soety in Jeopardy you might yeah when I would go to the market because I love the alcohol the liquor department so that’s why I had to go and find another another Market to shop at but um yeah going to work was really hard and I became very arrogant I I enormously arrogant at this um I worked for this man for you know many years and I worked it was a doctor’s office I worked in the front office and sometimes I would show up there kind of drunk from the night before I couldn’t drive myself my friend would have to pick me up and drive me in fact I knew Sam then and um he was one of our anyway so um I uh I was so arrogant with this man he ended up giving me an exit going away party and um invited all the other doctor’s offices that we dealt with and all this and I remember leaving there now I’ve got the Pico deli trays in the back seat cuz he handed them all to me I’ve got the balloons going the cake everything and I remember driving and I stopped and called Rita and I said you know he didn’t give me a Christmas bonus and she said you oh I don’t know if I can say it she said you you’ve just been fired and he and and he gave you a party so you wouldn’t be shamed like he saved your dignity like just stop you know it’s like I just that arrogance got really big for me and um and just going through that four four step and the rest just that smashing of the ego like in six of like six and seven like character building building is not something might wake up to and think whoa what’s coming my way so I can build my character today you know I’m just I’m not there it’s like who can I duck and Di I don’t have to deal with people you know and uh like even I have an office now in the back of our house and and like even today like my husband comes in because it was my office day and it’s like sweetie what are you doing and he’s sitting there and he’s starting to doze off I’m like what are you doing you’re bringing me down get out like this is my domain out and stemie’s like oh I just thought i”d help you what anyway okay anything else can you tell about t my T oh gosh I sure can I can tell you a real fresh one last Tuesday night I have this meeting Tuesday night in Glendale I love my meeting Denny spoke for me um I put a lot on this meeting so of course now I’m doing you know 10 commitments and all this no one’s asked me I just feel like I got to do it because the arrogance is coming out again and um so this woman I had this interaction with this woman and because the church has asked us not to give this other woman money because she’s been becoming a nuisance and stuff and so I was telling this lady because she was about to do it and I said well you know the church has been asking us and anyway so we left it at that I wasn’t as quiet about it like I am right now telling you this but I was just kind of I get very forceful and um still and so um we had the meeting uh when I leave the meeting I always call my husband and put my phone on when I get in the car and I see if he needs me to pick up anything and then anyway so there’s this message from this lady and she is just going to town on me and I thought whoa my first thing is oh good okay good it’s okay good so um my first thing is I want to call her back and say you know you should really talk to your sponsor before you go calling me and going off on me you crazy thing you know and I just wanted to go you know and um because I’m Justified everybody calls her crazy and then her name and um so there’s always one of those and so I just now I’m like I just want to go off and I didn’t I parked the car I said a little prayer and I called her she didn’t answer and um but I left her a message and I said I’m very sorry for my behavior um I know I have a tone I know I can be forceful and I’m really glad that you called me on it and um brought me down a few pegs and I hope you hear this tonight so the rest of your night isn’t so bad because you know she had to leave the meeting you all this stuff and I want to say I’m not responsible you know I want to go off and all that I did not I stayed on my side I stayed on my side and um you know I don’t know I was talking to this with a friend like you know maybe I don’t know maybe sitting and reading the literature and doing that and then just I don’t know having that that open mind to just be able to let God come in and for that night I was just I was being mean to one of God’s kids and I got called on it from a person I really don’t even like and and God’s messages don’t always come in the way of from people we wanted to come from so I had to now just clean that up and take care of one of God’s kids and and um and go home and love my family you know so thank you one more Denny said practice principles in marriage how do I practice principles in my marriage this is what I do every morning when my husband gets up because we have a lot of sensey humor we laugh a lot about nothing um in our house and um and it’s fun I’ve learned that in sobriety I love to laugh I really do I um and sometimes it’s hard you know so um when my husband gets up I always say CU like I’m always up first and I say um okay you know sweetie God came down this morning conferenced with me and gave me the 411 on the day Stu and then anyways and he’ll say you know if you want the real answer ask Oldtimer because he’s got a lot more time than me so we just kind of do this little giggle and and stuff and and um I have two stepchildren and when I first started dating my husband he had them every other weekend and one night a week and I thought that’s okay because I don’t like kids and um I really don’t they were little they were like four and five and a half and so they’re needy you know they’re a lot like newcomers they need you they ask a lot of questions you don’t know where their hands have been I mean it’s just like oh my God and um and then they just want to like hug you all the time and it’s like get off me you know I’m going through a hot flash get off me you know kind of thing and anyways and and um so I thought okay that’s okay and and we were just dating at the time and then he called me it was April 2nd um 2008 I remember where I was standing on Beverly and a dhini and he said I’m now going to have my children fulltime CU something happened with their mother and I thought um wow and then it was just the weirdest thing this next thing came where it was you know what I am shoulder-to-shoulder with this man and I know it’s not going to be easy and I really felt like this in my the softness in my heart that I really love him and I love these kids and that was weird because I don’t like I really don’t like his I never wanted him give me a pack of dogs I’m good you know but not a stroller and that’s just me it’s good for you if you want them I just if you’re going to come over don’t stay long you know what I mean that’s just the thing and um so I uh I’ve never changed a diaper you know none of that stuff and uh anyway so we’ve had a lot of um a a a lot going on you know from um they were like six and seven when they came to live with him uh full-time and then we waited a year and got married and now um we’re just shoulder to- shoulder Daniel uh my stepson he’s 15 he’s never been passionate about anything about but the Xbox and last summer he got really passionate about football and it was really weird because it’s it’s like I didn’t even know he knew what a football was you know like we don’t watch any sports or anything and um and he started playing football he was in conditioning all summer and stuff and just loving it loving it this kid’s up at 4 in the morning is ready to go to hell week you know he was just he’d be up and ready you know just minutes he couldn’t just itching to get out there and they wants to tell you about it and all these positions and and I just act like I acted when I was taking care of Deary um like I’m I’m interested in what he’s saying I don’t know a thing about what he’s talking about and he wants to show me all this stuff on the TV and I sit there and watch just like when he was little wanted me to watch him play like these Lego things you know I do that and um and I’ve realized that’s love you know September Daniel got um hit really bad in a practice and he had AAL hematoma and they had to do brain surgery on him and and um drain all the blood and uh and then this kid um he still wants to play football you know he still wants to play football and Charlie and I um we’re just like you know what do we do um so it’s like okay you know what we print out the piece of paper we have to go to this doctor we have to go you know bring him into it to show him you know give him a little dignity he’s 15 he’s almost 16 you he’s becoming a young man he’s very mature and um and you know he’s not going to be playing but he doesn’t know that just yet and um we’re just kind of we sat today and just is like what do we do and that’s like our marriage we just sit there it’s like okay what what do we do with this and stuff and and we pray for this kid I said well hope you know I wish they could find something for him to do at least get him through the summer give him you know he’s just I hope he gets another passion and um anyways I have to believe God has that path for him so thank you for your question I think that’s it thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day