The Other Eleven and a Half Steps – AA Speaker – Line G.
AA speaker Lynn G. shares her story of hitting bottom at 27, getting sober in detox, and learning that meetings are only half the work—the other 11.5 steps require daily spiritual practice, character work, and service.
Lynn G. from Rancho Santa Fe got sober on June 21, 1982, after years of blackouts, affairs, and waking up alone on a floor in a sleeping bag. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through the difference between going to meetings and actually doing the daily work—prayer, meditation, making amends, and carrying the message—that keeps her sober 40+ years later.
Lynn G. describes her alcoholic bottom at 27: lost relationships, evicted, sleeping on floors, and unable to function despite having an education and good looks. She got sober in detox after calling AA and stayed through rigorous step work, character defect removal, and daily spiritual practice. She emphasizes that meetings are only half the program—the “other 11 and a half steps” are the daily work of prayer, meditation, inventory, service, and community that actually maintain sobriety.
Episode Summary
Lynn G. opens with a question to newcomers: if you think you’re not an alcoholic, let me tell you about the time I couldn’t remember dating someone, couldn’t recall spending nights with people I’d slept with, and had no clue how many times I’d already been with them. That’s the kind of blackout drinking she was doing.
Her story starts with fear. Since childhood—age three, four, five—she was riddled with it. Afraid of her parents, the dark, being alone, that nobody would like her. At 13, she went to a party and bought six beers. That first drink was the answer. All the fear went away. There was warmth in her gut. She could finally be with people, could sing with them, could belong. She blacked out. When she came to, she slapped her girlfriend in the face over a beer. This wasn’t social drinking. This was already how central alcohol was to her survival.
She got a law degree thinking that would fix it. She moved to California thinking that would fix it. She found a handsome, rich boyfriend and they drank together. Nothing worked. The problem was inside. She kept drinking because she was an alcoholic—and once she started, she couldn’t stop. It was beyond her human power.
The story that broke her happened around age 27. She was scraping Mexican tiles for a man she was trying to win over, desperate for him to keep a lid on her, to make decisions for her. His friends were at a party on the tennis court. She was on her knees scraping tiles. That man took her on the floor, and when she looked up, she saw him trying not to touch her. It wasn’t intellectual. It was a feeling—that she was worse and worth less.
She drove home and bought two small bottles of vodka. She drank all weekend but couldn’t get drunk. Monday morning, the vodka wouldn’t stay down. She called AA and told them she didn’t want to stop drinking—she just wanted to learn to have five or six and stop. They hung up on her. She looked at herself in a dirty purple bathrobe with a half beer and heard a firm voice: “Liz, this is it for you. There is nothing left in this for you. This is over.” By 1 p.m., she called back. She never prayed for sobriety. She never wanted it. By 1 p.m., she had her last drink. It was a gift.
She went to Deepox (a detox center), then to a recovery house. The Big Book promised her that if she followed its simple suggestions, she could not only be sober—she could be happy and sober. That seemed impossible. But she stayed.
The real work began after that. Character defects. Resentments. Making amends. Learning to let them go. She describes it like a cat passing a fur ball—uncomfortable, difficult, necessary. She did a step workshop that took her through all 12 steps over several Mondays. The elation came after—and then the cycle continued.
What Lynn emphasizes most is that meetings alone aren’t enough. The Big Book tells us to do an evening inventory (five minutes, 30 on a bad day), checking: Were we resentful? Selfish? Dishonest? In the morning, we look at our day ahead. And we do this every day. Meetings are vital—like going to dialysis if you had kidney disease—but they’re only half the program. The other 11 and a half steps are the daily work.
Prayer and meditation are central to this. She prayed for a motorcycle and asked a friend to pray for her. She prayed for a job when she was miserable managing a real estate office—and got fired the next day. She prayed again for “the perfect job and patience to wait for it,” and within a week got a call about a legal secretary position that’s now her job. She prayed for two cats and the license plate behind her said “two is fine.”
Meditation was harder. She bought books, made an altar, set a timer for 20 minutes. Her mind went everywhere—the dog barking, rent worries, the hum of the refrigerator, the ice cream after, her shoulder itching, rehearsing what to say to someone she resented. After a minute and a half, her leg fell asleep. But she kept at it. She still does it. Every morning before the monkey (her mind) wakes up fully.
She also describes praying for three secretaries at her job who were disliked and difficult. She prayed for them to have happiness, peace, and joy. After 10 days, she was assigned to their floor. Within two weeks, the temperature had changed. They were warm with her. It wasn’t about them changing. It was about her thoughts changing through prayer.
On carrying the message: she got a call at 11:30 p.m. from central office. A woman named Eileen was drunk and needed help. Lynn called her and they connected—both single, both had two cats, coincidences. Then Lynn said, “Since you called us, you probably have a drinking problem.” Eileen got furious and demanded to speak to a man, threatened to report her, said she’d call her attorney. Lynn never heard from her again, but she hopes she’s sober somewhere.
Lynn had a rough patch at 50 years sober. She was struggling, full of fear, worthless, useless. She didn’t want to go to meetings anymore. She woke up in a ball under a blanket with a pillow over her head. She went to a meeting anyway. People put their arms around her. She was able to keep going. Without the fellowship—without them—it wouldn’t have been enough.
She went to the beach to meditate and heard: her primary purpose is to stay sober (which she’d done for 50 years), and to carry the message to others who suffer. But she also had demands. She hadn’t taken vows. She wasn’t a nun. She told her Higher Power to take care of her too. That day, she truly surrendered.
This is what the other 11 and a half steps look like. Daily inventory. Meetings. Service work. Sponsoring. Prayer and meditation. Looking at her character defects when they come up (usually all of them at once—like worms after rain). The commitment to loving people, even the difficult ones, even when she gets further on her face. The willingness to be yanked back safely by the fellowship.
She ends with a plea to newcomers: come back. Not just for the meetings, but for the laughter, the hugs, the coffee, the activities, the conventions, the full social life. You don’t have to go through anything alone again. Sobriety happens right here amongst us. We’ll teach you the few simple things you need to do if you want it.
Notable Quotes
I drink because I am an alcoholic. My outside circumstances are irrelevant.
No matter how much my higher power wants for me to be sober, unless I nurture my sobriety on a daily basis, I will wizzle awake and die alone.
It’s not that I never do it again, but I don’t want to—and I don’t seem to indulge in it nearly as often.
Going to meetings is absolutely vital but it’s also a very small part of my program. It’s only half of the 12 steps. There are 11 and a half other steps to do.
The disease is waiting. It’s waiting for me to slow down, to not have commitments anymore, to slow down on my meetings, not to say my prayers anymore. It’s just waiting to catch up with me.
If you are new, I beg of you to come back—whether it’s for the laughter, for the hugs, for the coffee, because you have nowhere else to go. Sobriety happens right here amongst us.
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 10 – Daily Inventory
- Steps 6 & 7 – Character Defects
- Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
- Step 12 – Carrying the Message
- Hitting Bottom
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Introduce our main speaker, Lynn for Rancho Santa Fe.
>> Good evening. My name is Lyn and I am an alcoholic >> and I've had something in my throat for about two days. So, I hope it won't prevent us from enjoying the meeting tonight.
I have some new Calypotus men's and some water. And I would like to thank Pat for inviting me and all of you for making me feel so welcome. Uh, many of you have heard me more than once and I thank you for patiently listening tonight while I will be addressing the newcomers.
And Jim, I think you did a marvelous job. Five minutes is so difficult. It takes two minutes to warm up, one minute to exit, and you're supposed to talk about what it was like, what happened, and how it is today.
And you've said it all. Thank you very much. I want to warn you that the last minute, Marcelo, thank you.
The last meeting where I spoke Saturday night, child, who is here tonight, was leading the meeting. And in his closing statement, he said, "Oh, I forgot to spang the speaker. We will see tonight if I inspire the same sentiment or if child is a willing horse who needs not be spurred on.
Oh goodness. Those of you who are new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. We are not a gloom lot and we love to laugh.
Although we are talking about a serious deadly disease. We love to laugh and we want to love one another and we want to get close to one another. And you have no idea that you are the luckiest people in the world to be here tonight with us.
And this is a pretty classy joint. I don't know where you've done your last couple of years of drinking, but I bet that this is a step up for most of you. If you are looking for an inferior companion, you have found all of us.
We are here. Come with us. And you may not believe that someone who looks like me tonight might possibly be an alcoholic.
However, I will tell you a little story that should erase all doubt. I was sober for a few years in my office, feeling very good about myself, looking out the window, and there is this young, handsome man who passed by and wked at me. And so I went back and a few minutes later he came back, opened the door and said, "Hi, do you recognize me?" And I said, "Oh, from the gym?" He said, "No." I said, "Really safe?" He said, "No." "Bill Wilson?" He said, "No." "Lynn, you came with me to my classes at Palomar College." Now, I don't recall ever going to Palmore College.
And he said, "You came with me to drink margaritas at Baza Belmundo and although it rained, we had my sunroof open because you thought it was romantic." So, oh, he added, "You make some mean omelets. Thank you. He said, "Where are you alone here?" And I said, "Yes." He said, "You slept with me." Oh, how interesting.
What was your name again? Now, I am not proud of the things that I did when I was drinking, but I'm grateful for them because they brought me to you in Alcoholics Anonymous. But you see, this is the way that I drank as hard as I could, as often as I could, and as fast as I could, I needed to drink.
And this gentleman with whom I could not argue because I did not remember was telling me that I had had at least three dates with him during the day and I had no recollection. Since I was three, four, five years old. I was riddled with fears.
I was extremely self-conscious. I knew you would not like me. I knew you would not want me.
I was afraid of my father. I was afraid of my mother. I was afraid of the dark.
I was afraid of being alone. I was terrified. I had nightmares.
I could not make friends. I feel that I did not belong. I felt so different inside.
And you all seem to to know what to say, to know what to do, to have fun together. And I did not know how to join the circle. I did not know how to do that.
And it was very painful. And when I was about 13 years old, I went to this party and I bought six beers. The first time I think I drank.
And this was the answer to my problem. All my feelings of fear all they all went away. And it was warm in my gut here where I live.
And I could be jolly. I was with you. We held each other by the shoulders and we sank and it was wonderful and I blacked out.
I went to get my sixth and last beer and he told me my girlfriend Susan drank my beer. I found Susan and I slapped her in the face. Now this is not social drinking.
This is already how important alcohol was to me, the answer to my problems. So I thought, well, if only I had a good education, then I could be happy. So I proceeded to obtaining a license to practice law and I drank more.
I thought, well, I need to go to California. Then I could be happy. I came here, didn't have to work, and had all the time to drink even more.
Then I thought, if only I had a young, handsome, rich boyfriend, then I could be happy. I found him and we drank together. Then I thought, if only I had a cleaning lady, then I could be happy.
And I got a cleaning lady and while supervising her work, I drank. I drink because I am an alcoholic. My outside circumstances are irrelevant.
I drink because I am an alcoholic. And what makes me different than a normal person is that I cannot have one or two drinks. Once I start to drink, I have to finish my drunk.
It's beyond my human power to stop drinking. And I don't know why this relationship with this gentleman did not work out except that I sat with his best friend. And I hope to never again see so much pain and hurt in someone eyes because I've caused it.
I did not like his best friend. I was simply drunk enough that night. And I spent the night in this man's apartment and at 6:00 there was a knock on the door and there was a night gown on the floor and I put that on and we opened the door and it was his girlfriend who happened to be my boyfriend's secretary.
It's amazing how quickly I can create so much havoc. I was one of those bad things that happens to good people, you know, very quickly. And three or four days later, I got a call from this lady that it was time for me to come and pick up my stuff, which had been put in trash bags.
And I put those in my car, and these were all my worldly belongings. At that point, I knew that although I had a great education, I was emotionally unemployable because of the way I drank. And I had accepted that.
I knew that there was not a man in whom I could be possibly interested and would ever marry me because of the way I drank. And I had accepted that. I knew that although I wanted children, I could not have them because of the way I drank.
And I had accepted that. not to drink was simply inconceivable. I lived for the next time I could numb those feelings.
The self-loathing, the low self-esteem, the lack of self-worth, the not knowing how to live, the not knowing how to be a friend, how to make a phone call and set up an appointment with a girlfriend, how to have a decent conversation, how to have friends at home without my being drunk first, or how attending a party without being drunk first. I did not know how to live. And the only times when I ever felt comfortable or had peace was when I was drunk, not to drink was uncomfortable.
And so I rented a room in a sleepy two-bedroom apartment. I slept on the floor in a sleeping bag and my clothes were on the floor and I was dying. I did not know what to do.
I had given life my very best shot and I was 27 years old and I was sleeping on the floor alone. I was estranged from my family. I had lost my friends and I did not know what was wrong with me.
I wanted to win that men's heart bag because I did not think I could live without a man without someone to keep a lid on me and make decisions for myself. And I had learned how to scrape Mexican tiles. And this this in this beautiful home where we lived, we had three rooms of beautiful tiles.
And I told him I would do that for him free. And so I drove my car there and I worked that first day. And that night I slept in my car literally because it was more comfortable than my floor.
Very simple. And I had my jug of vodka and I drank some of it in the morning and I rang the bell and good morning and and I got on my knees to scrape those styles and meanwhile they were having a party that afternoon. There was a tennis courts in the backyard and so forth and my friends were coming to the party and those friends I had over to my house for dinner but I was not invited to that party.
I was on my knees scrubbing and they were saying highland passing me by and going to the tennis court in the backyard. I can't tell you how I felt, but I think that you know, you know where alcohol takes us. And the parties was over and that man took me on the floor.
And this was a man who had loved me. And while he was having sex with me, I looked up and I realized that he was trying not to touch me. And this was a dagger through my heart, right through my soul.
It was not so much an intellectual understanding of who I was, but a feeling. a feeling that I was worse and worth less. That afternoon, I left that house because he told me to.
I stopped by a liquor store and I bought two small bottles which I guzzled and I drove home to drink some more all throughout the weekend. But I could not get drunk somehow. And on Monday morning, I reached for the bottle of vodka and it couldn't stay down.
So I had a beer to settle my nerves a little bit. And by 10:00, I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And the man said, "Oh, you would like to stop drinking?" I said, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I just want to learn how to have five or six and then stop because it's after that I get into all this trouble." He said, "Well, when you're ready to stop drinking, call us back." And he hung up. And I saw myself in that dirty purple bathrobe with that half a beer and I had nowhere else to go. And there was a strong firm voice in my head that said, "Liz, this is it for you.
There is nothing left in this for you. This is over." And by 1:00, I called back Alcoholics Anonymous. Now you see I can never ever take credit for my sobriety because that morning on June 21st 1982 when I called a I told them I didn't want to stop drinking.
I never prayed for it. I never imagined it envisioned it, hoped for it, tried for it. I did not want to stop drinking.
And by 1:00 I had had my last drink. this was a gift. And when I called back, he said, "This lady from your area will call you back." And she did.
And we talked a while. I have no recollection of what was said except. She said, "Would you like to go somewhere?" And I said, "Oh, yes.
I'm a traveler. I love going places." And I thought I would be taken to the La Costa Spa. I would send the bill to my ex who was wealthy.
I didn't think that would be any problem. and she said, "Pack a few clothes and my husband and I will pick you up in a few minutes." And they picked me up and they took me to Deepox downtown. I was disappointed.
However, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous began that day for me. The counselor gave me the 20 questions. I thought, gee, I take a test much more difficult than this.
That shouldn't be any problem at all. And in fact, I did get 17 right the first time. And he said, "You are an alcoholic." I said, "I know." He said, "No kidding.
You really are an alcoholic." I said, "I know." He said, "What is so funny about this?" And I said, 'Well, finally someone tells me what is wrong with me. I have rendered myself a lot worse things than being an alcoholic. And you are telling me that there are other people like me, who have done those shameful things, who have drank the way that I did, and that they have found a way to be happy and sober.
Now to be sober is one thing but to be happy and sober was unconscable to me and he said as long as I was willing to follow the simple suggestions laid out in the big book of alcoholics anonymous that I could be happy and sober too. Well this was the greatest news I had heard in a long long time a long time. And so I stayed in detox for 10 days.
Then I went to a recovery house for alcoholic woman and I'll tell you I had a lot of problems. All these fears since I was little and all these defects and they told me that I had to be honest. Well, the truth will make you free but first it will make you very miserable.
So we had to find out what were those emotional blocks which prevented me to be comfortable enough to be sober. And this big book does not promise us that things will always be perfect and wonderful. But what it tells me is that depending upon a fit spiritual condition, I will always be comfortable enough not to have to drink.
And as far as my concern, I'm concerned. This is my job to nurture my sobriety is my responsibility. The same as the flowers that I grow.
No matter how much my higher power wants for my flowers to grow, unless I water them daily, they will go away and die. No matter how much my higher power wants for me to be sober, unless I nurture my sobriety on a daily basis, I will wizzle awake and die alone, and I never ever want to drink again. And if you are new and you never want to drink again, you don't have to.
It says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail, so the odds are as good as they get." And they asked Bill Wilson, why didn't you say never have we seen? And Bill said, 'Well, we knew who we were talking to. And if we said never have we seen, those in the back row right away would say, "We'll show you one." So we put rarely for those who have thoroughly followed the path.
And the thoroughly, that's my job. And tonight each and every one of us is doing the absolutely most important thing that we can do in our lives today and it's to water our sobriety garden. So today we can be comfortable enough not to have to drink and I will share with you that to be comfortable enough not to have to drink has been a minimum.
Most days are joyful and happy and it's been a tremendous adventure. And if you are new, please embark upon it with us. We have this divine creator who's made this wonderful alcoholic roller coaster just for us and it's solid and it's well ordered and it's well designed and it is safe and it is secure.
Get on it with us. It's just horrendous. We can live where we can be happy.
We can live without fear and it can be warm in our gut here where we live warm and comfortable with our fellow men. And these emotional blocks which need to be removed need to be removed relatively quickly and it's not easy. Um I've just been going through this period in the last few months where I've had to let go of some of my defects and and it's like passing furballs.
Have you ever seen a cat passing a fur ball? It goes like this. And I was thinking this gorgeous man.
And I have a weakness for bad boys. A weakness of bad boys. And I complain that they're not loving and compassionate.
I'm a lover. What can I say? I love her quickly.
deeply, briefly, and often, the bad boys. And so this one, this particular evening, observed me having one of my tantrums and he said, "You're out of control." Now, no one has ever ever confronted me with my tantrums. And they are my friends since I was a little girl.
If I don't get my way, I throw a tantrum and you either give it to me or you get defensive or you attack back, then I'll have some ammunitions to play with. But if someone says nothing, the pie is thrown right back into my face. And so thank goodness I was going through Georgia step workshop for which I am so grateful and and it's one of the sad thing if you live in San Diego that you don't get to come up to Anthony North County to attend to her step workshop and she's here with us tonight.
She's our little angel. We call her. And if anyone of you really wants to get through those steps, it usually starts in January and it's on every Monday of of the week for 2 hours and 15 minutes and you get through all those steps and it is an absolute blessing.
And although I've been sober for 17 years, watering my garden daily for 17 years, I have learned so much and the timing was perfect. And so I had to give up those defects and make amends for my defects. And once we pass that, of course, there is the elation period.
In one of the books that I have read, it said that God will exalt the humble and humble the exalted. And so I was being humbled for a while and I couldn't wait for the pundulum to swim back and now I'm feeling elated and life goes on and it's wonderful. So it's to not be so afraid about getting rid of those emotional blocks that we live in slavery to them and have to be unhappy.
And what happens with me and I believe is the same for all of us is when one of my defects rear its ugly head. They all come out like warmth after the rain. See, for me to be angry means I have to be judgmental, critical, self-righteous, self-centered, wanting it my way.
Here I am creating havoc again with a twominut tantrum. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm practicing right now at loving everyone and I'm at peace.
People greet me. I feel love and acceptance of them and therefore I can feel loved and accepted as well. It has to start with me.
So love one another. There is no time anymore for resentment and walls and distance between us. Life is too short.
Let's just love one another. And we have the tools to do that here. We are taught.
We teach each other how to love one another. And once we have these character defects removed, then we do those inventory and and we look at our days constructively. This wonderful big book here, if you don't have one yet, please do not leave the meeting tonight without it.
And I'll tell you a little secret. Those of you who are on page 86, it tells us every night when we do upon retirement and it's very simple. Were we resentful?
Were we selfish, dishonest? And it takes about 5 minutes. Well, maybe 30 on a bad day, but we look at it and we keep our slate clean.
And on awakening, we'll look at our day. And if we had an indecision, we pause. Pause.
Are you natural pausers? Let's go to see you. Of course.
Let's get into another relationship. Sure, I'll have a date. Let's not worry about anything.
We're full of life. We are full of adventure. And this in a way helps us to be moderate a little bit.
And something else that helps us be moderate is prayer and meditation. Well, now there is something very disappointing in the big book about praying and it's that we cannot pray for selfish things. However, and that's when if you're new and you don't have a sponsor, it's time to get one because I'm a sponsor and I know secrets.
and all the sponsors here tonight, they no secret, little shortcuts. And so this particular time, I wanted a new motorcycle. And so what I did is I asked a girlfriend of mine to pray that I get a motorcycle and I got it.
Prayer is very powerful. Last year, I was at this job managing a real estate office with 14 employees, and I was not suited for it. And I was getting paranoid with the people being mad at me and unhappy.
And I did not feel loved and wanted and accepted, that's for sure. And on Thursday, I was at one of my meetings and I shared that with this lady and she said, "Oh, in your prayers tonight, ask God to show you how to make these people comfortable with you. So, huh, that's a neat idea.
I did that and the next day I was terminated. So, I called her and I said, "I don't like your prayers, but I need another one." She said, "Well, pray for the perfect job and the patience to wait for it." That same week, that Wednesday, there was a message on my answering machine. Lynn, this is with legal staff and you have not been registered with us for a long time and I know you have a good job, but I have this opportunity and I thought I'd let you know.
Now, Wednesday that meant nothing, but Friday, I had a different attitude about it. Would you know this was last November and this is now my job? And I love my job.
And if it had been presented to me before I tried it, I would have turned it down. But I began working for the company and something else came up and it suits me perfectly. I'm a legal secretary which I've never done before and I'm the floater.
And I am a floater. This is my life. I do it at play.
I had a hard time having a home group for more than three years because then I take a break and I go back again and I change sponsor after a few years and I change from one bad boy and then I take another a little while later and and that work is the same thing. I replace those who are absent or on vacation and it's by being the mistress as to the secretaries are the wives. See, I never hang out long enough for them to figure out my defects.
By the time I've come back, the I've been missed. They're always nice to me because they need my favors and my services. I mean, this is just wonderful.
All that because of a phone call that came two days before I was terminated from a job where I was so uncomfortable. And this is the roller coaster and the divine order that I was referring to earlier that there are no mystics here. Everything happens for a reason.
And another little prayer that I'd enjoyed, I love cats and I had two in ones appeared and there were two breeds in which I was interested and I couldn't decide and so I bought both. And on the Wednesday night after um my little episode, I prayed to God and I I said, "Oh, I hope it's okay to bought two expensive cats." And that was the week I was terminated as well. And the next morning, I'm on my way to work and the bumper sticker, the license plate in front of me said two is fine.
Now Georgia would say no no no limb and prayer is a lot of fun. Meditation is another ball game all together. It's still difficult.
See we are busy up here. This is a busy place and the difference has been there for all those years and it's just waiting for me to slow down, to stop calling my sponsor, to not have commitments anymore, to slow down on my meetings, not to say my prayers anymore. It's just waiting to catch up with me.
And it's my respons responsibility to remain vigilant and diligent and to continue to do that daily. If there is one thing that I can lose leave you with tonight would be whatever it is that you do with your own personal program, do it daily. The meetings you attended last week, the steps you will be taking next week have nothing to do with today.
Today you must maintain your sobriety. And if we do that, we get to stay sober. It is so simple.
And it's sad when we see our friends just slipping, slipping away. They don't hear us anymore and it's too late. There is nothing that we can say or do.
They're just leaving. So if you are new, especially that first year, stay really close to us so you have a short leash. And I do still go astray on a regular basis, but not very far and not very long because I'm amongst you and I'm being yanked back always safely and soon enough.
And this meditation helped calming my thoughts. Um, when I first began, of course, good little alcoholic. I bought books on meditation.
I studied it and I made a little altar against the wall. And I have religious images on the wall and candles and burning incense. And my sponsor had set 20 minutes.
So put the kitchen timer there with 20 minutes. And I closed my eyes and my legs crossed and and I sat down and then I heard the dog bark out in the street. Then I began to worry about how I would pay my rent at the end of the month, which was three weeks hence.
Then I heard the humming in the refrigerator and I thought of the ice cream I would have afterward. Then my shoulder started to itch, but you can't move. Then I began to rehearse what I would say to that man towards whom I had a horrendous resentment the next time I saw him.
And then lo and behold, my leg is going numb. And I opened my eye and it had been a minute and a half. It's getting better but often it's still uncomfortable and we talk about we are undisiplined and those few simple suggestions in the big books help us becoming more disciplined and so no matter what I do it in the morning I do it At night I go to lots of meetings.
I sponsor. I always have a commitment there. There are things that I always do.
In the morning when I wake up, you know when your head is on the pillow and you roll it like this and you start opening an eye and I'm beginning to recite the first step prayer and the seventh step prayer and the serenity prayer to push that monkey behind me because it's it wakes up with me. I don't even think it's sleep. I think it's at the end of the bed waiting for me to open my eyes.
So, I have to be before it. I have to be ready and tackle that day. When we talked about loving one another and loving everyone at work on the we occupy several floors and on one of them there are three secretaries who are not liked by the other secretaries because they criticize they report they backstab they are rude disrespectful very very difficult in fact I will go in their area and I can feel the temperature drop and I'm a warm water fish I'm sensitive too.
And uh I had decided to try something and I believe now that this was divinely inspired. At night I began praying for all three of them. Actually, it was from Georgia workshop because she told us to pick people to pray for at night.
And I chose those three and I asked for God to provide them with happiness, peace, and joy. And would you know 10 days into this I was given an assignment amongst the parenas for two weeks and I finished Friday and the third or fourth day into this experiment another secretary came to me and said so how is your experience on the fifth floor? I said, "It is so joyful and peaceful.
I'm having a wonderful time." She looked surprised and she said, "Wow, you're going to change our reputation." And I finished my two weeks feeling love and harmony with these three ladies. And the temperature was as warm as I wanted to make it. It was not about them.
Although I had a lot of evidence to the contrary, the power of prayer. I no longer want to entertain negative mean destructive thoughts about people. It's not that I never do it again, but I don't want to and I don't seem to indulge in it nearly as often.
And I also am much more aware when someone else is indulging in negative talk about another and they no longer have my support because I am not interested to love one another. Alcoholics like us who are so self-centered. How can we?
And we're so fearful. We're sensitive. Afraid of not being wanted.
And somehow we can conquer that and love one another and be open. So what if we get furthered a little bit? So what?
We get back up and we just do it again. Um prayer and meditation. And of course we try to carry the message and that's why we're here tonight.
And although going to meetings is a vital part of my program because um I look at this as though I had a kidney disease and I have to go to the hospital three or four times a week to have my kidneys die alive for an hour or so otherwise I will poison myself and die. So I come to these meetings to have my thoughts and my feelings die alike otherwise I will poison myself and die. So going to meetings is absolutely vital but it's also a very small part of my program.
It's only half of the 12 steps where we carry the message. There are 11 and a half other steps to do. And if you see us here tonight, and you do, and we seem so grateful, and it seems so easy, don't be fooled.
This is like the the sign on the lake, the swan who's so grateful and glides apparently without effort and so beautiful. If only you saw the little feet underneath the water going like this. These are the 11 and 1/2 hour steps that we do.
alone in the closet. And if I speak as though I'm the only one doing this, no, no. Otherwise, you would not be here tonight either.
We're all doing our homework. And why not take a little bit of credit for this? for goodness sake, not to take it away from our higher power.
Um, but without my willingness to call another alcoholic to drive all the way to San Diego to speak, to get on my knees every night and write in my journal to pray for these people and look at my day. My higher power could not provide me with contented sobriety. My sobriety is a result of taking these steps and we can do all kinds of steps 12step work.
In fact, I remember a few months ago, this is a week night. It's 11:30. I get a call from central office.
Then we have Eene here on the phone for you and she's drunk and she needs help. And so I called Hilene and she said, "Um, hi." I said, "Hi, this is Lynn. I'm calling you back.
How are you?" Well, not too good. I lost my job last week and I've been at a funeral all weekend and and you could hear the ice crackling in the cigarette and she was not in too good of a shape. And and I said, "Well, I can understand sometimes things in life are pretty tragic and it's difficult." And then I wanted to establish a relationship with her and I said, "Um, so I are you single or married?" She said, "Oh, I'm single." And oh, I'm single.
She said, "Really? What a coincidence." And then we talked a little bit more and I asked if she had Beth and she said she had two cats and so did I. She said, "Wow, I can believe.
What a coincidence. I'm so glad I'm talking to you." And then we talked a little bit more and a few other things that we had in common. And this was going on for about 15 minutes now and it was time to get down to business.
And so I said, "Well, since you called us, you probably have a drinking problem." Silence. Who the hell do you think you are? I can't believe they're letting you represent that company.
Put me on hold and give me back to the man I was talking to earlier. I'm going to report you. I said, "Well, I think reporting me is a very good idea, but this is a home with a regular home phone, and I cannot put you on hold." She said, "Put me on hold or I'm calling my attorney." I assumed that she was in a black house and had so much fun talking with me that she forgot who she was talking to.
So, wherever you are, Eileen, I hope that you are sober and I hope that you come back to us or maybe you're here tonight. And it was fun talking with you. We we never know who we meet, what will happen.
I when I first got sober, I thought, what am I going to do with all my time? This is going to be boring. I'll never get another date.
I'll never get a good job again. I can never be happy. How can I possibly go to a party ever again?
Well, I will tell you if you're new that we have all kinds of activities. We have conventions and we celebrate birthdays and we laugh. We go to movies after meetings.
Sometimes we go for coffee. There is a full social life going on here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you can take some phone numbers tonight or give your phone number away and begin to know some of us, I promise you, you never have to go through anything alone again.
And although I have sympathy for the tragedies that Jim has had to go through lately in his sobriety with his mom and his brother, uh I've had tragedies myself. And um if it had not been for you, I would not be sober today. Make no mistake because there have been some times when I hit the wall and I remember my 50 of sobriety when I felt so worthless and useless and so full of fear that I did not want to go to another meeting.
I did not want to do the AA thing anymore after all my efforts every day all those years and I failed this way and I didn't want to do it again. And I woke up that morning in a little ball under the blanket with a pillow over my head and I didn't want to go out there one more day. So if I had been alone with my higher power or alone with my big book, it would not have been enough.
I went to a meeting that morning and you were there and you put your arms around me and I was able to go to that little job at $5 an hour or 10 job and I'd send my resume everywhere. Nothing was coming through. My bills were not paid.
not because I wasn't trying and nothing was going my way. And so um after that day I went to the beach to meditate and be quiet. And what I heard was my primary purpose in this life is to stay sober.
And I had done that successfully for 5 years. And that my higher power was pleased with me and to carry the message to others who suffer. And I had been doing that to the best of my ability when requested.
And my higher power was pleased with me. But this was after we had the little talk because I was mad at him. And I told them, I know that there are people who've been happy in obedience and poverty and celebrity and chastity, but I have not taken vows.
I have not renounced anything. You have me confused with someone else. You have you take care of all your other little kids.
How about me? I thought I had fallen through the cracks. But this was that day that I truly surrendered to my higher power.
He knows what is best for me. He knows what is best for me. But I need you when I go through these difficult, fearful, uncomfortable times to put your arms around me and I need to hear the laughter.
And I go to my callback workshop meeting on Thursday night. And those third bureaus, there are people who've been going there for 25 and 30 years. And to see the familiar faces there gives me a sense of safety, of security.
That you're coming down that path with me. I am no longer alone. And I was so devastatingly lonely when I went to be downtown.
And I had spent a childhood lonely and teenagehood lonely. And that was the state of my life until I came to you. So we need each other.
And all of you are here tonight. I am so grateful for your presence, your smile. Wherever I go, they are the flowers of my sobriety landscape.
I think of you. You come with me. I cannot do this alone.
I am tremendously grateful to be here tonight to be among friends. I love you. I know that you love me.
Thank you, Chris. She's been a part of my life for a few years now and I'm so grateful for her. She teaches me so much and I don't think that she knows it.
If you are new, I beg of you to come back. Whether it's for the laughter, for the hugs, for the coffee, because you have nowhere else to go. It doesn't matter because if you don't come here, it's not going to happen.
Sobriety happens right here amongst us. and we will teach you about those few simple things that you need to do in order to be sober if that's what you want. Thank you Pat again for having me and God bless you all.
Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.