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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Join me if you would in welcoming tonight's speaker, DAVE.

>> Hi everybody. I'm I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic. >> And I want to thank Brent for asking me to come speak and thanks for the introduction and so forth.

And uh happy St. Patty's Day. >> Hey, friend of mine told me a few years ago that um NA that she said that um how did she put us screw it up?

Um she said that um St. Patty's Day was the reason for Alcoholics Anonymous or something like that, you know. I don't know.

Um, I uh so I've known uh actually Brian gave me a call last night to remind me that I was supposed to come and speak tonight and actually I knew it. So I've known that I was supposed to speak here for a few days and uh for a while actually probably about a month ago he asked me to come and and um and uh but I' I've known and and then uh I really don't have a clue what we're going to do tonight, you know. I really don't.

I uh I my I my um wait a second, God will arrive and we'll we'll see what we're going to go where we go from there. I would like to welcome everybody that's new. And um you know I I um my sobriety day is September 6th of 1992.

And um I I mentioned that because I uh because I heard this woman speak one time and and um and she said that she said that her sponsor told her that if she didn't have a sobriety date, then she didn't have a sobriety date and that she needed to get one. And um for some reason that just kind of gelled with me, you know, when I heard that and that uh um you know, my sobriety date is the really the most important day of my life. Um it's a day that my life actually changed, you know, and um things started to happen.

Um I remember one year my my actual birthday is in May. It's a couple months down the road, May 15th. If anybody wants to get me anything for my birthday, put that in your calendar.

Um but uh my mother called me up a few years ago on my birthday, you know, and I was in one of those uh you know, I was just full of self the day that she called me. It was my birthday. And she says, "Happy birthday." And I and I just said, "It's not that big of a deal, Mom." I says, "You know, my sobriety day is a big me." And um thank God for our tent step and we can clean that stuff up because it was really a big day for my mother, you know.

Um, and so I had to kind of go back and say, you know, thanks for calling me. And and it was a big day, you know. So anyways, but my sobriety day in this room, please don't tell my mom, is the biggest thing of my life.

Um, when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous, um, I I when when I first decided to do it AA's way, um, you know, I I I went to those 90 meetings in 90 days. I I heard about and you know I came I I went to a lot of meetings and and and after I after I started coming around here and I joined a home group and and and after I started doing all that um after I'd been around here for about you know 90 days they my group would ask me to you know maybe chair a meeting or my group would go out and speak at different meetings and I'd get up at a podium and I'd tell my story or you know um I'd get up and I'd chair a meeting and and you know back in '92 what I was hearing a lot of is dysfunctional families in the halls of alcoholics anonymous. So I used to start my talk with I came from a dysfunctional family and that's what I thought it took to qualify to be an alcoholics anonymous and uh I'm not going to talk about my dysfunctional family tonight because it has absolutely nothing to do with my alcoholism.

you know um I have two brother I have one brother and two sisters and my two sisters and my brother when they drink they can control their drinking but when I drink I can't stop you know I have this phenomenon of craving that takes that takes over once I give into it and you know the re my we we we have the same mother the same father same biological everything same opportunities same everything yet when they drink they can control But so you know this this thing about you know alcoholism skipping generations and all this other stuff. I don't know. You know that's not my experience.

My experience is when I drink and I can't stop. And that's and that's really the bottom line you know. Um so when I when I so I used to start my talk off with I came from this dysfunctional family and uh and and again like I said I'm not here to talk about that tonight.

Um, when I uh I I got to tell you, I will tell you a little bit about my family, though. Um, I on my father's side of the family, let's see, I've got an I've got a cousin that's on the 10 uh in the FBI's 10 most wanted um list. And uh my grandfather when my dad was born um back in the 30s my dad was born and uh back back in those days the doctor used to come to the house and deliver the babies you know they didn't go to the hospital and stuff like that.

So my grandfather my father's father um he stole the doctor's car and went down to the bar when my dad was being born. And so that's my people on that side of the family. and the and my mom's side of the family um they um um you know they're like military retired military guys and uh you know businessmen and stuff like that.

So, you know, um uh but you know, you know, it's it's it's it's really those those are kind of like who my people are, you know, and so um you know, when I uh when I when I was 5 years old, my dad my dad was taken out of out of our house with in handcuffs. And I and I remember seeing that. And I remember um you know I I remember um you know later later on you know my my and he never was to return home again.

Um my father was a uh was a football coach for Thornton Academy. He was a school teacher and um you know and and he would make these uh these arrangements with me to come you know come pick me up and take him with him for the weekend and but he wouldn't show up when when my dad was taken out of the house in handcuffs that that night it was about you know it was about it was really late I I understand it now that it was when the bars were closed you know my dad had showed back up home and um Anyway, so growing up in the in the 60s without without your dad was just really tough, you know, single parent home and uh I was a kid that used to have to bring two lunch monies to school in case somebody beat me up for the first one, I could still have the, you know, um I was afraid of everything, you know. My my my mom told me, you know, don't fight anybody and all this other stuff.

That was a great excuse for me cuz I I was just afraid, you know, so so I I put it all on my mother, you know, the reason why I wasn't a fighter, you know, and uh um and so um so anyways, um when uh when I was uh when I was about 12 years old, my my dad was, you know, I I did see my dad and and all that and uh but um when I was when I was about 12 years old, my uh my dad was diagnosed with with cancer and um he was given like 6 months to live and he and he kind of lingered on for 6 years and suffered for a long time and um anyways um my father and I had a had a falling out when I was around 14 years old and you know 2 years into his cancer or whatever um and he and he told me that he never wanted to talk to me for the rest of his life and I made a couple of attempts to go see him you know for the next couple of years before he died and uh and he um he wouldn't talk to me and uh finally on his deathbed he he'd asked asked to see me. He he asked to see me on a Wednesday and we got a call Tuesday night he passed away. So we never got to clean that up, you know.

And um you know I always went there to see my dad um with the intention of him having to apologize to me, >> you know. And um granted I needed to apologize to him too, but he owed me an apology, you know. So we never we never cleared that up.

And I got to tell you that kept me drunk for a long time. You know, I tell the story um you know, in my drinking days and every time I got to the part about him him dying on the Tuesday night, you know, is when I is when I break down in tears, you know, I just hadn't resolved any of that. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous.

So anyways, um so so there's all sorts of things going on when I was around 14 years old. I I just I discovered alcohol. Um I mean discovered it alcoholically.

Uh my best friend, his sister was 18 years old back in Maine for a short period of time. The legal drinking age was 18. And um and Greg, my best friend, and I we went 50/50 on a six-pack of appeals real draft.

Mhm. >> And uh and I drank four of them and Greg drank two. And uh but we split the cost right down the middle, you know.

And I always drank that way. I always drank more than my share, you know. And uh and you know, there's a there's a Chinese proverb.

It goes from like uh the man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes a man. And uh so you know, you know, the man started taking a drink when I was like 9 or 10, you know, with my cousins and stuff like that. But then the drink started taking a drink when I was with Greg that time.

I couldn't really stop drinking. If there was more alcohol there, I would have drank it. I couldn't stop.

Um, and then the drink started taking a man because n in my in my ninth grade um in school I I quit school. So the drink started taking things from me, you know, it took my education, it took, you know, all my ambitions and aspirations and so forth. um when I was and and and you know, so I quit school and and um and uh there was all sorts of things going on in my house.

My my my dad was dying. My mom at this point had uh had started drinking and um and she couldn't, you know, and she was like a falling down drunk and uh she used to drink in the high school dugouts and it was very embarrassing and um you know, and my friends would make fun of her and I'd make fun of her as well and you know and all that stuff and you know And and then I had a sister that was pregnant. You know, there's all sorts of things that were just going on.

Um and uh and so when I um when I drank, it would take all that stuff away. And so um so I quit school and then then at around um uh 19 years old after well I got to tell you too be you know after I quit school um I always had some sort of job somewhere you know um but um and I'm a check writer and uh and so I would uh I would open up these starter checks and I'd never get it past the you know the starter checks before I'd be bouncing them all over Yeah. So, so um so you know the the law was the law was all on me.

You know, I mean I I wasn't a hardened criminal yet, but um but you know, the I remember having a couple of visits from the local police department with some checks in the hand and saying, you know, and and so I was getting in a lot of trouble that way. You know, things were just piling up. The problems my problems kept piling up.

And um so anyways um between the uh between the local law enforcement and my mom, they thought that it would be a good idea that I join the join the uh United States Army and defend our country. And so so I uh I did that. But I want to back up just a little bit because this is kind of like a big part of my story.

Um at at around 16 years old um you know after I started drinking um I was out partying all of the night and um and you know and my mom would be passed out you know and then and then when I she you know she um you know she she she'd always tell me that I needed to get in a decent hour or something like that. And so anyway was one particular um morning I stumbled in at 5:00 in the morning. You know, I met a girl about a week before that at Beachridge Speedway.

Um, and me and my best friend and uh we were out, you know, chasing girls that night. It was Memorial Day Classics. Summer had just started and uh they were camping from Rhode Island in the parking lot with their parents and uh me and my friend, you know, we were out to the races and looking for girls and stuff.

And after the races were over, we went parking in the parking lot. And in about a, you know, and and the reason I tell you this is because, you know, I'm the marrying kind. >> You showed me a little bit of attention and we're going to get married.

And uh um and and so Marie from Rhode Island showed me a little bit of attention and and uh and then you know the next morning, whatever. I mean, my friend and I went home that night. You know, we're only 16 or whatever.

and uh but and Marie and you know we we swore we'd be in touch and all this other stuff exchanged telephone numbers and addresses and all this other stuff. It was a summer love. And uh about a week later, I was out partying and uh Amarie obsessing about Amarie and uh got in at around 5:00 in the morning, rolled into my mother's driveway and uh she met me right at the end of the driveway and she said, "I told you if you can't get in this house at a decent hour, then you need to get out." So I told her exactly what I thought.

And I uh I told her uh and and then I just uh took all of my money, all of my 37 cents and I hitched to Rhode Island and wound up on Amarie's doorstep the following morning. And uh that was May, you know, May, beginning part of June of I don't know what year it was. I was 16 years old, so it had to be 76.

And um and I never once called home until Christmas. and uh and um my grandmother and my my my family um you know they didn't know if I was dead or alive. And the story that I told everybody was uh that my mother kicked me out and uh woe was me.

So people put me up and Marie's uh Ann Marie's sister/mother um u put me up and uh and and I lived with them and and uh and and my drinking really escalated and so did my drug use. Um, so Christmas of that year, I I called home and uh and they uh they allowed me, you know, they they wanted me to come back home. They were they were just thrilled that I was still alive.

So I um so I um so fast forwarding into the military, I uh you know, I joined the military, you know, a few years u a few years later after bouncing checks and doing all this other stuff. And um and then uh you know my my uh my problems are piling up for me in the military too. Every time I'd get in trouble, alcohol was involved with it somehow.

So I so I um you know how we have these bright thoughts, you know, we you know you know I just have this bright idea, you know, one day and I mean I was coming home. I was on in the military and they give you 30 days a year for vacation. They call it leave.

Um, so I'd take these leaves and uh I come home and I and I'd hook up with the uh the girl that I went to the uh the senior prom with. It was actually her senior prom cuz I never graduated. But uh but so we'd hook up and and and Debbie had credentials.

She was a member of the South Portland Ladies Auxiliary of the VFW and also the South Portland Eagles. And I'll tell you, you could drink cheap at those places. And I was a military guy and I was used to not paying a lot of money for booze.

And and so we uh so we go we hit the clubs is what we called it. And uh so I do that one on my 30-day leave. So anyways, I I had two older sisters.

They all had children and they had their families. They were getting on with their life. And I was in the military.

And I this bright idea that I had, you know, I need to I need to get married and have a family. That's as much thought as went into that. And uh um and so then I uh made uh Debbie an offer that she couldn't refuse.

Now picture this, especially ladies in the room. This is this is a classic. I'm sitting at the South Portland VFW.

I mean the Eagles. And there's 6T, you know, 6T folding, 8ft folding tables, right? with a citronanella candle right in the middle of each one of the tables and uh they're burning and you know it's got indoor outdoor carpeting on the and your feet are sticking to it and the whole place smells like booze and and um and there's some cheesy country western band in the background and and um and I asked Debbie to be my bride I'll tell you but what woman wouldn't say yes on so uh we decided we get married and I'm telling you.

And so anyways, um so I, you know, we we we got married, you know, a few about a year later or whatever. And and then I got out of the military and joined Debbie back home and in our marriage last you know we we we started living together and and you know after we you know after I got home out of the out of the military and that lasted for about 3 months and uh and then uh we filed for divorce and and uh I didn't have a clue you know I just didn't have a clue about anything you know. I didn't have I didn't know how to communicate.

I didn't know how to uh you know um I married my drinking buddy and and you know and I don't know if she's alcoholic or not. I really don't know. I don't know if my dad was.

I don't know you know I I hear something said in the halls if it walks like a duck barks like a it's a it's a duck. But you know the book is really clear. It says that you know you know we never we never uh diagnose anybody as alcoholic.

it's up to to their own selves to make that decision and and and good thing because you know because it was really I was really the last to know that I was an alcoholic and so I anyways um so I married my drinking buddy and and we we divorced about 3 months after we started living together and uh and by this time I'm working in the car business and and uh and I'm wearing a suit and tie to work every day and I had another bright idea um well you know after after after I got divorced. Um, I felt like a complete failure. So, I started isolating and uh and and I remember anybody if if anybody's familiar with where Jolly John's is, you know, in Sako, across the street, there's a tattoo parlor.

Next time you're in the neighborhood, just kind of look at that tattoo parlor. Down where that tattoo parlor is used to be a fish market. And the fish market sold uh booze.

And above that, it's a cape. It's a small cape cod house. And um and above that fish market is two rooms plus a bathroom in between both of them.

And I rented that. That was my apartment. And uh I worked at one of the car dealerships right across the street.

Um and I had this big dart board in my living room and uh and every Wednesday night we have we played darts and uh anyways the the the the fish market had the coldest beer in town and and I had credit with the fish market. And uh so uh so I charge up my paycheck and pay him every week and all this other stuff. Um so I here I am isolating in that small apartment and one of my one of my friends comes over and he says, "Come on, Dave.

Let's let's go out." He says, "You know, you've been cooped up here for a while, you know, and you know, I just didn't want to do anything. I I felt like a failure. My marriage had failed and all of a sudden I was drinking and I was perfectly comp content playing darts and just getting wasted." And he says, "Come on, Dave." He says, "It's ladies night down to Soho.

Let's go." So I uh So I went down to Soho that night and I met the girl of my dreams, Sue or hostage number two. So I met Sue and uh and a couple months later, we were engaged to be married. And uh Sue didn't drink as much as Debbie did.

Sue uh Sue actually told me that I was an alcoholic. She told my sister I was an alcoholic and and uh you know and then she told my family and that I was an alcoholic and and they you know they confront me and I say you know I'm not I I yeah I drink a lot but I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to stop.

You know I I just like to party. What's wrong with that? So Sue gave me a gave me an ultimatum.

She said, "It's either me or the parties." And I said, "See you later." It was that cut and dry. The book says, "The alcoholic is like a tornado that rips through the lives of others." And that's exactly what I did. You know, I look back on that today.

Sue was a really good girl. And who knows if I wasn't crippled with this alcoholism where my life would be today. But we do what we do to get to where we go.

And um and uh so anyways um so but looking back on that just how important alcohol was over another human being you know it's that's pathetic. The book also talks about pitiful incomprehensible demoralization. That's totally pitiful, you know.

And um so anyways, uh so I um so so my life is kind of caving in on me. Um you know, I my sister just bought a house and uh and um they had a basement in there and and I had another great idea. you know, they could probably use some help financially, so I'll move out of my my uh fish market apartment and uh and I'll just pay them 50 bucks a week to live there and, you know, in in their basement.

And uh sound like a good good idea to everybody. So I so I lived I moved into their basement and um and I was making back then I was making about $50,000 a year and that was back in 92. That wasn't bad money back then.

Not bad money today. anything's better than what it looks today these days. But but you know, I I was making that and and my agreed rent was $50 a week and what that would cover is all my food, my laundry, and you know, my laundry and all that.

And uh so, okay. So, I uh so I'm living in the basement and um and by this time I got another I had and my license had been suspended. I was I was in the car business.

I was driving this brand new $20,000 car with it with no driver's license. Um I was one of the managers where I worked and uh I remember the owner of the car dealership came in on his day off just out of the blue and I was complaining about something cuz I was always complaining about something. So he came into my office and he says uh he I start complaining about something.

He says, "Listen, I don't have any problem with that." He says, "But I do have a problem with you and your drinking. if you don't do something about it, you're gonna lose your job. And it was that it was like he hit me like a Joe Bournesting.

Don't, you know, so I referred to the only thing I knew and I just started crying and that always worked in the past, especially when I tell the story about my dad dying. So I uh so I I um you know it was clear that I was pretty shooken up. So Peter gave me the rest of the day off.

So I took my car. He didn't know I was driving without a license. Took my car over to the fish market, charged me up a 12-pack of beer, and uh went down to the bar where my brother was.

And and um then him and I took a ride down the Portland headlight. And uh he brought his he brought his uh drugs and I brought my uh my booze. And uh and then he uh then for some reason I said he asked me the question.

He asked me a question. He says, "Dave," he says, "How long has it been since you haven't drank?" And I it was like a little light that came on. He says, "Geez, I don't know, Andy.

You know, uh I think I might be an alcoholic." And it was like this major revelation. >> >> And uh and so so with that, I felt like I needed to tell the world. And uh so I called my boss and and he says, "Well," I says, "Look, look um look, Bob," I says, "I'm" I says, "I I think I'm an alcoholic and I'm and I'm even willing to try AAA." And I says, "He says, "Okay, Dave." He says, "Well, today's the first day of the rest of your life." He says, he says, "Come on in tomorrow morning and we'll talk awkward with you.

I'm really proud of you," he says. So, I get there and then they decided that they're going to send me to the Mercy Hospital rehab. Now, one of the guys that worked for me in the car dealership had just gotten out of the rehab.

And uh and he says uh and he says, "Don't worry about it." He says, "When you get back, your job will be your job's safe, but you're going to, you know, let's strike all the kettles and and you'll go there." Well, I didn't want to go to any rehab. I mean, I wasn't as bad as Keith was. And uh I mean I wore a suit and tie to work every day.

So, so um so I go I I go into rehab and I and I wear the suit and tie that I passed out the night before and but you know I kind of you know flattened it out a little bit and got it all straightened out and walked into the uh Mercy Hospital rehab and they asked me a bunch of questions and um they asked me if uh and it was the first time ever I was honest about I mean I had interventions along the way but you know but this time you know I answered them as honestly I guess as I And they asked me if I sweat while I slept. They asked me if I ever blacked out. They asked if I was, you know, if I had thoughts of suicide or homicide or, you know, any of that.

And uh they asked me all these questions, you know, and and I was honest with them. And uh and then they said to me, "Well, they got some good news and some bad news. They gave me the bad news first.

The bad news is I've got a disease." They said, "It's called alcoholism, but the good news is is that you can recover from it." They said, "All you're going to have to do is is uh check in here for 28 days." This is when they did 28 day programs. He um 28 days and and um and uh and when you're um and and we're going to introduce some therapy and um and then we're going to introduce you to the people of AA. and when we get out of here, all you got to do is uh follow up with your afterare and follow the lead of people in Alcoholics Anonymous and you will recover from this disease.

So I said uh and then and then they said and another thing they said you're going to need a change of clothes because suit and tie is not the proper attire. So they were kind of on to me right right away. So I uh so I stayed for the 28 days and you know when I went into the rehab they gave they gave everybody got a soft covered big book and um that was donated to the rehab by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Some some group in AA donated some big books. And so they gave me this big book and everyone in my and I like to call it my class. Everyone in my class cuz I never graduated anything, you know.

So, everyone in my class had to had one of these big books and you know when everyone signed it and I you know like a yearbook you know it felt like a guinea girl for God's sake and um but anyways you know I like to say that I was smarter than the average bear because I could I could talk this talk I I was I was quick you know and uh and and there had been some there had been some guys at that rehab some wicket too um that uh that been there a few times and and a couple of them put in my book, if there's anybody going to get it, it's got to be you, Dave. You know, see you in the halls. You know, and I thought that the Dr.

Evans school in 1992 was voting me most likely to succeed. So, uh, so I when I when I was in that when I was in the rehab, they gave me a piece of paper and was called an offensive recovery plan. an offensive recovery plan.

So, I had to make this out and I had to put the meetings down that I was going to go to and I had to put the name down of my sponsor, a temporary sponsor. And, you know, I was always like the easiest softer kind of guy. So, I got Keith, the guy that worked for me at the car dealership to be my temporary sponsor cuz I I heard people talking about their sponsors at the meetings they were taking me to.

And some guys would say that that sponsor told them to do this and they told him to do that and they told Nobody was going to tell me to do anything. And if Keith did, I'd fire him at work. Lack of power was not my dilemma.

So, uh, so Keith's name went down on the list and, uh, then I had all these meetings and and you know what? I and in my head I I thought, well, gez, you know, I can do these. But, you know, when I got out of that rehab, I had a job.

I mean, my job was waiting for me and and it was I I had a pretty important job. I You got to know that. And uh you know I was indispensable and uh you know and so so anyways I I go and uh I I go to a few meetings but you know I didn't have a driver's license either you know so so you know I go to a few meetings and all of a sudden I uh um I just stopped going and and um me and my uh me me and the other four managers were were heading out to a to a um um to a business trip in Denver, Colorado about a few months after I got out of rehab.

And while I was out, you know, we were all having lunch together. We were talking about the trip. Now, John John was my best friend and one of my co-workers and he him and I were going on team one and Peter and Joe were going on team two and we were going to learn about a new computer software system and all this other stuff at the car dealership and and so we're all for having lunch and and uh John my best friend says to Peter and Joe says you guys are going to have a blast when you get out to Denver.

I mean we were talking about the night life and everything else like what am I going to do? I mean, we're going to Colorado. We're going to have a good time.

And and uh but John says to Peter and Joe, he says, "But he says, you know, you guys are you guys are going to have a good time, but I'm going with the ex over here." He says, "I can see it now." He says, "We're going to be drinking coffee at the bar." He says, "No, part of me trying to pay for those coffees uh with his poker chips that he's getting." Well, I don't know about you, but I drank because I needed to fit in because I was afraid of everything. And here I was, my very best friend in the world wasn't accepting me because I was sober. So, I get out to uh Denver, Colorado, and uh John says, "Dave, you're all the way out out here in Denver.

No one's going to be driving. All you got to do, Dave, is control your drinking." He says, "Put sodas between your drinks." He says, "So, I like to say that every man has a belief, and I believe my friend John was right." And uh I'll take a long deck Budweiser. And uh and uh I I took a sip, then another one, and then that one was gone.

And uh and then I uh I was thirsty, man. And uh and then I uh then I ordered a Diet Pepsi because I wanted to keep my figure. And uh and then I ordered another long neck Budweiser and uh then to hell with a diet Pepsi and that was on September 5th of 1992.

And I don't remember much of that night. I you know I usually when I when I drink I black out. You know I I usually black out.

This particular night I I I have some periods of gray which I kind of wished I would have blacked out because that night I did end up in the hotel lounge singing a little karaoke and uh and it was a bad rendition of Mac the knife and I really do wish I I'd blacked out for that. I'm sure that the rest of the bar does too. Um but I uh but you know and that's all it's all funny and stuff like that.

It is you know some of the stuff we do is is quite hilarious really. Some of it's really pretty sad and pathetic, but you know, like Bill even said, you know, you know, I read somewhere, you know, God teach us that, you know, teach us uh uh let us laugh, but never let us forget that we once cried, you know, and so um the real main reason why I'm here is what happened on September 6th of 1992. September 6th of 1992, I came to see I passed out the night before.

I I never went to sleep when I drank. I always passed out. So I passed out my clothes in the Denver Hyatt, wet the bed and uh came to the next morning and uh and I was laying in my bed, you know, nobody else was in my room.

I was still fully clothed and wet. Um, and my life kind of flashed before my eyes, you know, like the ghost of this Christmas, past, present, and future, you know, but my life kind of flashed before my eyes and it was like, you know, this thought came to me. You trying to control your drinking last night and you couldn't stop.

People that are your age have homes, cars, families, educations. You have none of that. You're such a loser.

you know, I I I guess at that point I got the the you know, as best as I could, I got the second part of the first step because I I measured manageability by possessions and, you know, accomplishments and stuff, but it takes what it takes. Today, I measure it differently, but but I was I mean, my life was a mess. I was 32 years old.

I was living in my sister's basement. Half the time I wouldn't pay her the rent, you know. Um, the only money that I had to my name was the money that they sent me to Denver with so I could eat on.

Um, you know, and the next thought that came to my came to my mind is you tried to control your drinking last night and you couldn't stop. The part in the book here in in the chapter more about alcoholism, it says we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholism. It says, "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholics." The next sentence right after that, it says, "This is the flood alcoholism." It says, "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholics." The next sentence right after that, it says, "This is the first step of recovery." So, I got to tell you, even though Sue had told my family and my sister confronted me, everybody had confronted me, even the people in rehab told me I was an alcoholic, even when they said, "You got alcoholism." You know, it wasn't until I fully conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic.

You know, that's when my first step of recovery started to happen. And you know something that was really amazing is I was the very last to know. And so here I am, you know, I'm I'm laying in my bed.

I'm feeling totally stripped. You know, what am I going to do from here? You know, I admit a defeat really.

Well, the book says we have two alternatives is we can either blot it out to the bitter eye and to the best of our ability or the other is to accept spiritual help. So, what happened for me is I made my way to the bathroom and when I drank I puke. I'm a puker.

I'm a pukeer pukeer puker, you know, and here I am puking at the at the in the toilet, you know, and every time I get in a scrape with the law, you know, especially bouncing those checks and driving offenses and all this other stuff, I'd always say, "God, get me out of this one." and I'll never do it again. But here I am puking my guts out. And that's not the prayer I said that morning.

I said, "God, please help me. I can't do this anymore." And it was at that point, you know, from that day up until now, I have not had the desire, the compulsion, or anything to drink. I was just talking to Ben before the meeting, and there's a couple other people that know me really well in here.

I've had a been going through a really rough winter this winter. very tough. But I'll tell you one thing, the insanity of alcohol has not returned.

I do not have a thought of a drink. You know, is God great or what? >> Yeah.

Something about knocking the door shall open. You know, I don't know. I I I'm not a preaching kind of guy, you know.

I I've heard that in a song somewhere, you know. Knock on the door shall open. Seek and you shall find.

And so I knocked and and and I haven't had the desire or the compulsion to drink. The next thing that happened is I made my way on the airplane that morning and flew back to Maine. And I made a decision on that airplane and and it's kind of it's kind of apppropo, I guess, kind of really neat.

I mean, it was kind of a kind of a decision. I mean, it's kind of overcast coming out of Denver, but as we got above the clouds, the sun was beating inside the cabin of the plane and and I made this uh this decision that I do what AA's were. So when I touched down in Portland, I I I wound up in my basement suite at my sister's house and um I got I had some numbers from Alcoholics Anonymous.

I started calling people. I got a sponsor. I jumped right into the middle of AA.

I I you know, I I joined a group. I joined three groups. I became this and that and everything else in AA.

And you know, I you you guys just love me. You know, you are my family. I I've been looking for you for a long time.

You know, you welcome me. And uh I used to hear things at these meetings. I was so it was just so nice to hear.

Keep coming till you want to come is what I hear stuff like that. And for the first two years of sobriety that stuff really worked. And uh you know um you know I was a GSR.

I was a treasurer of a company and my ego would arrive 20 minutes before I get here. It's like it's like too much cologne on you know Dave, you know. So, um, but you love me nonetheless, you know.

I mean, I'm sure you were talking about me behind my back cuz we're not perfect. We do that in here, you know. And, uh, but anyways, you love me nonetheless.

And and and that's exactly that's exactly what we do here. You know, at 2 years sober though, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, don't drink, go to meetings, and ask for help nearly killed me because the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, as powerful as it is, isn't enough to keep me sober or to keep me sane. We in a lot of the meetings that we go to, you know, we hear how it works and at the very end, somebody had told me, don't forget your ABCs.

A that we're alcoholic and we cannot manage our own lives. B that probably no human power no human power can relieve our alcoholism. C that God could and would if he were sbed.

So that doesn't say I even have to find God. I just have to seek God and my alcoholism is going to be released relieved. How do I seek God?

You know that's something I learned. I seek God through work and self-sacrifice for others. through being of service to other people.

It's amazing. So, here I am uh two years sober. The thought of the drink has has has has left me.

But, you know, I'm still the same. I I some of the things we say around here. You sober up a horse thief.

What do you got? Well, you got a sober horse thief. Well, here I am, right?

I'm still a check writer. Check writer. What do you got?

I'm a check writer. So my my financial life was still very unmanageable. I was nuts.

And I that's another thing we say, you know, I heard an acronym in here. Nuts. Not using the steps.

The problem was is that, you know, I I I'd hang out with people that really didn't do the steps. you know, we did a lot of talking about it, but we didn't really do them. Um, so, so at two years, here I am, Mr.

I'm bouncing checks all over town. I'm stealing from my group's treasuries. Now, I'm a treasure of two groups, and I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

Stories just closed in a general way. You guys can read between the lines on that one. Yeah.

And uh the thought of a drink wasn't wasn't even there, but suicide was looking really good. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I saw the biggest phony in a looking back at me. And so my solution was a gun to my head.

So I went to go see my sponsor. I always had sponsors that were into therapy and all the cycle stuff, psych, you know, psychological stuff. And uh and I went to go talk to him.

He says, "I don't know what to tell you, Dave." He says, "But here's the number of my therapist." So, he sends me to go see his therapist, and this guy's an AA himself. And we start talking about things. I mean, I'm being honest with this guy.

And, you know, I'm pretty shooken up. I couldn't even work. I mean, I was I was just I was right in the middle of my alcoholism.

And uh he says, "Listen," he says, "How many how many meetings are you going to?" Now, I was going to two. I was going to at least one, sometimes two, sometimes three meetings a day. I love a I'm doing all that stuff.

And when I wasn't in here, I was still bouncing checks and looking for love in all the wrong places and stealing from my group's treasury. I don't know where I had time for all that stuff, but because I was here a lot. And uh but anyways, um you know, he uh he says, "How many meetings are you going to?" I said, "Well, you know, I you know, beamed up, you know, and my you know, all proud and everything." I said, "You know, I'm going to one, sometimes two, sometimes three." He says well he said you need to get a life and he says he says he says you need to back off of those a you know what else you need to do Dave he says you need to nurture that inner child I'll tell you the last thing my inner child needed was nurture needed an ass whoop it is what it needed and uh you know he says you need to do things that are good for you well just I've been stealing and doing all that other stuff and you know I was nurturing you know I I was just a spoiled brat is all I really was, you know, and you know, and and that was all fear-based and all the after I got to the bottom of it, I know where that what that was all about.

But that doesn't, you know, but even knowing and doing are two different things, too. So, you know, um so anyways, I uh so he says, "Back off those meetings." He says, "I need to see you twice a week." And he says, "Um and can I have your insurance card?" And so um so I went to go see him twice a week, but I continue to go to meetings and and and finally I heard something that saved my life. I heard this woman speak at the main area around it uh at Sugarloaf every year.

Um and there was like a thousand people there and this woman by the name of Mary the she spoke about the big book and she spoke about God and she talked about the steps and she talked about things I really wasn't hearing in the halls. Not really, you know, not the way that she was. She was she laid the kit of spiritual tools at my feet for my inspection is really what she did.

And she saved my life. It wasn't really her. It was God working through her and I know that today.

But she was the instrument and she had something that I wanted and she sponsored me for a short period of time. And then she introduced me to this man that I I am forever grateful for. His name is Don Pritz.

and he and he died a few years ago and he and he and u this man showed me precisely how to recover from alcoholism. He took me through the 12 steps in the from the big book of alcoholics anonymous. He showed me how to write inventory.

He he he he showed me precisely how to recover. And so anyways, I um um I started to write inventory and um I I wrote my inventory and I and I and he was from Colorado and I flew back out to once it was done I flew back out and read my fifth step to him and uh we went right through and and I started to talk about things like I went into into my resentment inventory. Um, I I I want to share I want to share a couple things real quick out of my inventory.

Like resentment, you know, I had this major resentment towards my dad. He was a football coach. He never taught me how to play football, you know, and that affected every era of my life.

I mean, the women would think I was a wuss, the men would think I was a wuss, you know. I was I was screwed, man, you know, cuz my father never taught me how to play football. And so the part in the book, what I love about the the the inventory process is is is there's so much I love about it anyways, but one thing in particular, if you're honest, you get to the bottom and the truth of things.

Where was I dishonest? Well, the truth was is my dad bought me a pigkin football. Used to, you know, used to try to teach me how to pay play pass, but I didn't like the game.

I had no interest in it. So what I ended up doing is I is I told this big lie because I was afraid what you'd think of me. That's what I did.

So here I was, you know, I hang out I I went to school in Scar. By this time my father's teaching in Westport, you know, when he died, they named an auditorium after him, you know, and and and and so you know, I go to school in Scarough and the kids in West, they love my father. they he was they they they admired him.

But I was always quick to say, "Yeah, but he never did anything for me, you know, and so I would defame my father's character." And I do that. And uh you know, and and um and so when I was honest about it, you know, the truth, that's the truth. You know, I still don't like I mean, I I love hanging out with you guys on Super Bowl and all that other stuff, but I don't watch it and I don't care what you think either, you know.

you know, I I mean that's a that's a freedom that we have here, you know. Um I'm not living my life for you, you know. Next thing next thing that happened and you know and I listed my all my fears and I got to the bottom of those and and and um now one of the big major things in my inventory was my sex inventory and and I'll talk to you a little bit about that.

It's going to be very exciting. HOLD on to your seats. So, so Don taught me on the sex inventory that I needed to put each relation through a test.

Was it selfish or not? So, Ann Marie made the list. Amarie was that girl from Born Out.

And Don shared with me some things out of his inventory too where I could identify with it, you know. Um, and and and it really helped me when I wrote my inventory and Marie made the list. Where was I selfish, dishonest, self, you know, when when I when I asked all those questions, the the next question I had to ask is whom had we heard?

Well, it was really clear when I got because I had put I put I put Julie down. Julie was my was my like my third grade uh sweetheart, you know. She made the list, you know, you know, and all this and basically we're just seeing patents, you know, it was it was relations, you know, and but but Hannah Marie was a biggie because that uncovered a lot of truth.

So, whom had we hurt? Well, it was clear that I hurt, you know, the people in Rhode Island that I stole from and, you know, the drunk that I rolled in an alley over there and, you know, and her mother/sister that I that I uh, you know, stole from, you know, and all that other stuff. I mean, it was really, and I'm not minimizing that, but there was more to Who else did I hurt?

Well, I hurt my whole family. My whole family didn't know if I was dead or alive. And my mom was drinking back then.

She had no, you know, she had no tools to deal with that. Now, I don't have any kids. I'd love to have some kids.

I really would. I'd love to have a family, but I'll tell you one thing. I've lost a dog before, and with losing that dog, that nearly killed me.

Can you just imagine what my mom felt? You know, when I s started seeing this truth about it, you know, when I started reading that part of my inventory to Don, I was just sobbing. You know, I was so remorseful.

And Don stopped me. You know, after I was done with that, he says, and he says, when you get to your ninth step, you're going to have to make amends for this. He says, and when you make the amends, it's not going to be amends means to fix.

Doesn't mean to just get everybody together in your family and one big group hug and everything's going to be okay. This is you're going to meet them individually and you'll talk to them, you know, and he showed me again precisely how to make amends. So anyways, I have these amends now that I had, you know, when and and I went through steps six and seven and I and and I love the seventh step prayer.

Will you ask God to take all of you good and bad? So that means anything good about me is no longer mine either. That's God's.

That belongs to God too, you know. And and and grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. I love that because now I need the strength to go out and make these amends.

So, I made my list and I got it from my inventory and then all of a sudden I started making amends and and and I made appointments with every I I mean the people I stole from I made most of my amends at this point but um but my family were was really important. So, I go out and I and I and I meet with my uh I make appointments. I meet with my brother first, my younger brother, more successful financially than I am.

And uh so I go and and I meet with with him in his workshop which is valued like three times the cost of my house which I think is ironic because I was always jealous of him and here I am making amends in this workshop and I'm living in a trailer you know and uh but but but I was making the amends and um and and I and I started to talk about Rhode Island and we started my brother and I both started to cry and he says Dave he says uh I you know and and I've learned that when I I want to make amends, I always ask this question. Have I left anything out? And um and then they'll tell you.

And um and then then I then I said to them, um um at the at the very end, I always ask, "What do I need to do to make this right?" And then all I got to do is just shut up and listen. And every time I'll be told. So I said to my brother, I said, "What can I do, Andy, to to balance the books here?

How can I make this right?" And he says to me, he says, and I shut up and he says, uh, Dave, he says, uh, just keep doing what you're doing. He says, stop by every now and then when you get a chance. I'd love to see you.

You know, uh, like I was telling my friend Ben earlier and a couple other people that know me, this this this this Christmas uh this, uh, winter has been really tough, but I've made time to go see my brother because that's what I need to do to make it right. One of the things I said to my brother, I said, "Did I leave anything out?" He says, he says, "Well," he says, "Remember that when you came home that Christmas morning?" I says, "Yeah." He says, "And when I left the room," I said, "Yeah." He says, he, "Well, I left the room because I was so excited to see you that I wet my pants." And see, and that's what we do. I mean, I I meant the world to this kid.

And I just squashed that, you know? So when I asked him what I could do to make it right, it's a small price that I can pay even in the midst of my crap. You know, I make the appointment with my mom.

I and and I meeting with my mother and and and I start crying. I can't even get the words out. And she says, "Well, let's let's just stop right here.

This is too painful. Let's not talk about this." And I've learned that when I make when I go to make amends, I don't need to do that at the sake of somebody else hurting somebody else. It was clear that it was hurting my mom.

So at this point I don't know what to do. So I turn to God. Step 11.

When agitated or doubtful, we ask God for direction. I ask God, what do you want me to do? The answer comes, you know, just be quiet and listen.

And then I got a gift. My mother had been sober for like 20 years by the time I go to make this amend. One AA meeting and a trick for her.

So but I was quick to label her as a dry drunk and all this other stuff. But anyways, um she says, you know, she says, and then I got this gift. She says, you know, David, she says, I've done a lot of things wrong in my life, but you forgive me, don't you?

And I realized at that point that um I realized the next morning in meditation that my mom went to 1 AA meeting. She probably saw the window shades on the wall. Maybe she hadn't had the opportunity to do what I was doing to go make these amends.

The rest of my family is still pissed off at her to the to this day. But that day, my mom and I's slate was clean. You know, God used me just like it says in the night stuff that our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God.

So God used me to be of service so my mom could get free. Amazing. And so I so I asked her at the end.

I said, "Mom, what can I do to make her enjoy?" And she says, "You know, the only thing I've ever wanted for you to be is happy." Again, been going through a bunch of crap lately. I call my mother once a week. Sometimes I go see her.

When I do, I'm happy. Even if I'm not, cuz that's the least I can do. Um there's a couple of other amends in my family.

We're almost out of time, but you get the gist of it. you know that um that this is no longer when I took that third step, Don says to me, "Your life is under new management now. You're under new management.

This is no longer your life. This is God's life to do with you as he wishes. This is not like God's not working for me in my life anymore today.

The this is nothing about that. This is about me doing God's work, not the other way around. I've had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps.

I've had warm fuzzy feeling spiritual awakenings as not as a result of the steps, but I've had the spiritual awakening that they talk about in the book as the result of the steps. My sponsors and and the people that I've worked with have. So we have the same, you know, we we have that common bond, not just, you know, um, so it's, so it's interesting if you, you know, if um, if you're new in here and you're just wondering where, you know, is there a way out, there is a way out.

You know, it's not always easy. It's not always a bed of roses. I'm a perfect example of that, but there is a way out.

And um, and I want to thank you once again for asking me to speak. >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.