When Drinking Stopped Fixing Me – AA Speaker – Scott P. – Dallas, TX
AA speaker Scott P. from Dallas shares how alcohol stopped working as his solution. His story covers the fourth step resentment inventory and making amends.
Scott P. from Dallas got sober in 2006 after years of trying controlled drinking experiments that always ended in blackouts and disappointment. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his fourth step resentment inventory, making amends in three Texas cities, and the moment he realized the obsession to drink had been lifted during a family dinner on Father’s Day weekend.
This AA speaker meeting features Scott P. sharing how alcohol went from being his solution to his biggest problem. He describes working through a thorough fourth step resentment inventory and making face-to-face amends across Texas cities. Scott explains how the obsession to drink was lifted after completing his step work, and he emphasizes the importance of sponsorship and daily prayer and meditation practices.
Episode Summary
Scott P.’s story begins at age five with stolen beer from a neighborhood fort, but it’s really about the day alcohol stopped being his solution. For years, drinking fixed everything — social anxiety, creative blocks as a musician, the fundamental feeling that he didn’t fit anywhere. Whether he was bouncing at Austin bars with unlimited cheap beer or chasing his music dreams, alcohol was the reliable answer to life’s problems.
The controlled drinking experiments tell the real story. After attending foundation meetings and learning about powerlessness, Scott would test himself with carefully planned limits. One beer became nine without him noticing. Two birthday beers turned into bourbon shots and angry confrontations with waitresses. Each experiment proved what he’d learned in the rooms, but he wasn’t ready to accept it yet.
His sponsor Myers cut through all the complexity with direct questions: “What’s your deal, booze or drugs?” and “You want to quit forever?” When Scott said yes, Myers handed him fourth step sheets with a one-week deadline. Scott completed his resentment inventory in three days, diving deep into AA speaker talks on step work to understand what thorough meant.
The fifth step changed everything. Before it, Scott was angry at everyone and couldn’t understand why people seemed to enjoy hurting him. After telling Myers his complete inventory, the weight lifted and his perspective flipped. Instead of focusing on what others had done to him, he saw clearly how his attempts to get what he wanted from people had pushed them away. The sixth and seventh steps followed naturally, and he began writing amends letters to people who weren’t even on his resentment list.
Scott took time off work to make face-to-face amends across Texas, driving from Dallas to Austin to Houston to San Antonio in a long weekend. The obsession to drink lifted during a Father’s Day dinner with family in Houston. Everyone else was drinking and having a good time, Scott was drinking Dr. Pepper and having a good time, and suddenly he started laughing. When his brother asked why, Scott realized he genuinely didn’t care that others were drinking — the mental obsession was gone.
His daily routine centers on Step 11 prayer and meditation each morning, following the Big Book directions exactly. He asks for his thinking to be divorced from selfish motives, plans his day, gets on his knees to pray for direction, then sits quietly to listen. This morning time with God has become the highlight of his day, leaving him feeling like he’s floating when he gets up from meditation.
The twelve-step work excites Scott most. He regularly visits Homeward Bound and the 24-hour club, not to fix people but to share his story with anyone who wants to hear it. His sobriety doesn’t depend on whether they take the message, just on his willingness to offer it. Similar to experiences shared in Jerry J.’s story about cleaning your side of the street, Scott learned that giving away what he’d received was essential to keeping it.
When life challenges hit — losing his job, relationship ending — Scott’s solution is no longer alcohol but helping someone else and letting God handle the outcomes. His sponsor’s advice was simple: “God either is or he isn’t. Make your decision and go on from there.” Two days after surrendering his job situation completely to God, a friend offered him work with tuition reimbursement and a schedule that perfectly fit his Wednesday night commitment at Homeward Bound and his college classes.
Scott emphasizes that newcomers should qualify their potential sponsors the same way sponsors qualify them. Ask directly: “Have you had a spiritual experience as the result of doing these steps?” If they say yes, don’t leave them alone. Like the experiences detailed in Don P.’s talk about being changed rather than just getting sober, the transformation Scott describes goes far beyond not drinking.
The promises on page 100 of the Big Book prove themselves daily in Scott’s life. Things that came when he put himself in God’s hands turned out better than anything he could have planned. His relationship with God through the steps solved the fundamental problem — that spiritual disconnection that made him feel separate from everyone and everything. Now he can have real relationships where he gives instead of takes, and the bond he feels with fellow alcoholics in recovery represents the closeness he was always trying to drink his way to.
Notable Quotes
I was like, ‘Why in the hell would I want to quit doing this? This is great.’
I already can’t pay my bills, can’t hold a job and can’t keep a girlfriend and I’m drinking. You people aren’t drinking and can’t keep a job, can’t keep a girlfriend and can’t pay your bills. Why in the hell should I stay?
Every drunk I had, every time I drank, this is what I was trying to get. This feeling right here. And this is better than anything I’ve ever felt before.
God either is or he isn’t. Make your decision and go on from there.
When we put ourselves in God’s hands, we’re better than anything we could have planned.
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
Sponsorship
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Full Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
It's a privilege to introduce tonight's speaker. For those of you who may have gotten the message, Scott Parker is speaking tonight, and that means nothing to me, but when they said it was Papoosea, it's okay. I got it. [laughter] Now, Scott and I have been carrying the message out at Homebound for quite a few months now, and it's a real pleasure to hear him speak to the guys out at Homebound. He carries a great message to those guys and they get a lot of hope out of hearing him speak. So Scott, if you would please. [applause] [laughter]
Hey guys, my name is Scott Parker and I'm a recovered alcoholic. And because of a kind and loving God and a sponsor that holds me accountable and keeps pointing me in the direction of that God, I've been sober since May 16th of 2006. [applause] [laughter]
I guess to start at the beginning of my story, I started at a very early age. I had my first beer when I was five and I was with a group of kids on our block. We had this little fort at the end of the road in the field, you know, like little boys are want to make. And one of the guys had stolen a beer from his dad and some cigarettes. So we went to the little fort and we started to drink it and it got passed around a couple of times. Then we heard a voice getting called and they didn't know who it was. We had made little lookout holes like for whatever army might be invading.
So they looked out of the hole and they found out it was my dad. Well, while they were looking I downed the rest of the beer. [laughter] It's their fault for turning their back. But what I remember about that—to continue on with that part—a guy got mad and punched me in the face, and that would pretty much tell the story of a lot of bar brawls to come later on. I come out of the deal and you know, I couldn't tell you the first time I drank a Dr. Pepper or a Coca-Cola or had iced tea, but that was a Miller High Life and it was the kind that had the pull-off tab. Am I telling my age there? You know, where you could actually pull the whole tab off. And I'm staggering down the street. I mean, one beer to a five-year-old is pretty detrimental, I guess. And dad was not too happy. I caught a whooping for it. But the thing is, I still remembered how I felt when I drank it. And it felt great. I got sick and threw up. Caught a whooping, got punched in the face. [laughter] But I'm not remembering any of that stuff. I thought it felt great to be drunk.
And so anytime after that, when my parents didn't drink, anytime somebody's parents had a beer out and they turned their back, I was grabbing it and drinking it. And I would make up whatever story. If they left the room, "Oh, it spilled, but I cleaned it up." [laughter] So that was kind of my M.O. for a while there. But I laid off the booze until I was about twelve. I held off as long as I could. It wasn't until twelve when we had gone overseas with my dad. He traveled a lot and the trip happened to coincide with the summer at school. We went to the Middle East. Alcohol's illegal there, so if they had it, they don't care how old you are to buy it. And we went to this place to jump off the pier into the Persian Gulf. They had a little place to get cheeseburgers and whatnot. And I was feeling at that time that separation that all drunks feel. I didn't fit in with anybody. All the kids were older. They were my brother's friends. I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't communicate with them. I couldn't join in any of the fun other than just being there.
And it wasn't until I was sitting there and I distinctly remember we're waiting to go out to the pier and I remembered when I was five and I drank and I felt great. So I went inside to the bar and it was like right up to here. I just put my money on the counter and said, "I'll have a draft." He poured it and I went jumping out on the pier and I stayed there drinking. I mean, I was having the fun, they weren't. And that kind of started it. Anytime I felt uneasy with who and what I was, I knew what fixed that, and that was alcohol for me. It always took me to that place where I could finally talk to you. I could feel a part of what was going on. And I wanted that more than anything.
And you know, high school, standard stuff. I mean, just partying with my friends on the weekend. A friend of mine's mom was the one that actually bought the beer. And my first exposure to AA actually was with them because we had to wait for the party to start when they got back from the AA and Alanon meetings. [laughter] And I was so I always kind of wondered and she and his mom would drink and I was like, I don't get the whole AA thing. I thought that if you were an alcoholic you couldn't drink, but she does. Okay, whatever. And just alcohol fixed me. And that's what was important to me. It wasn't nothing else was important. I was a budding musician and all my heroes were a few of them are alive but most of them dead from drinking and other things. Which is why I identified with that part in Bill's story when he's talking to Lois about men of genius coming up with their best ideas while they're drunk. I didn't think I could play the guitar unless I was drunk. I didn't think I could write music unless I was drunk. And so that was—I thought this was all part of it. I'm a guitar player. I get drunk. That's the deal.
So I go off to college and I go to this small Christian college out in West Texas. I got busted there for having alcohol. And I made a deal with them. They said, "Well, we were going to send you to this Saturday class about drinking and the dangers of drinking." And I said, "Are you going to tell my parents?" And they said, "Not if you go to the class." And I said, "Then I'm going to the class." I couldn't care less about the dangers of alcohol because it fixed me. And so I quit college just before they kicked me out and decided to—well, officially I quit, but man, the axe was coming down. And so I moved to Austin thinking I was special, this hot guitar player. You know, my grades show how much I cared about anything else but drinking and playing guitar.
And I go to Austin and I start working there. I'm a bouncer working on Sixth Street. The bar I worked at—you could have every free drink, but all the Pabst Blue Ribbon and Pearl Light you could drink was for free. And so I did. [laughter] And it was at this point in my life where I actually got twelve-step for the first time. And it was with a guy that was a friend of mine, phenomenal guitar player, absolutely incredible. And he was a roommate of mine. And he was, you know, go to AA, done the steps, that kind of thing. And we're sitting there one night at one of their gigs. I always went to their gigs and watched them. And during one of their breaks I had, you know, $25 to my name and the margaritas were a buck fifty a piece. I had done the math before I got there. I didn't have anything else. I mean, I had the standard bachelor fridge. There was a bottle of mustard and ketchup and that's it. And my twenty-five bucks was going for booze.
And I'm sitting there drinking and I used to drink those drinks with straws because I really never could keep track of how much I was drinking. And I would just take the straws out and set them on the table. [laughter] I see that's not a new idea there. And so Hail comes up to me and he's sitting there and he's been watching me for a while. And he said to me, "I thought these were the dumbest questions anybody had ever asked me before in my life." He's like, "How many have you had to drink tonight?" And I was like, "Well, let me count the straws." And no clue. And he goes, "Well, how many are you planning on having?" And I said, "I got twenty-five bucks, so however much that's going to get me." And this is the first dumb question. "Have you ever thought about slowing down?" And I genuinely looked at him and said, "Why? Why would I want to do that?" And then he said, "Well, have you ever thought about stopping?" And that was the dumbest question I thought I'd ever heard in my life. I was like, "Why in the hell would I want to quit doing this? This is great."
And as time went on, it kind of got me thinking a little bit. And I still had the job as a bouncer, lost my day job at the bookstore. It just didn't work out. They wanted me to be there in the morning. And come on. And I was in three bands at the time. And you have to try to get kicked out of bands, you know, and so soon I was just down to one band and then it was just me. [laughter] And so I thought maybe this thing is a problem here. And so I did go to AA, but not very much. And here's why. I went in there and I sat there and I've lost my job. The music's going away, which is the only thing I loved at the time besides getting drunk. And I'm sitting in the meeting and I'm listening to these guys talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And they're talking about things like, "I can't keep my girlfriend. I lost my job. I can't pay my bills." And I'm like, maybe it's just this meeting. I can't stand to be here. So I left that one. I went to that one maybe six or seven times. I went to another meeting across town and it was the same thing there. And they only got about three meetings out of me there.
And I got up in the middle and walked out because I did not want to hear about this person's crap. I just didn't care. [laughter] I was here to stop drinking, not listen to your garbage. So I got up and I walked out and this guy comes running out and chasing me and he's like, "Where are you going? Where are you going?" And I looked him dead in the face and I said, "I already can't pay my bills. Can't hold a job. Can't keep a girlfriend. And I'm drinking." I said, "You people aren't drinking and can't keep a job? Can't keep a girlfriend? Can't pay your bills. Why in the hell should I stay?" And I left.
And I walked out and one thing I said to him before I left was, "You know what? I drink too much and I'll probably die by the time I'm thirty, but you people have thirty more years of living miserable and that's not something I want." And I left and decided that Austin was just too much for me. So I moved back to Abilene, which is the place I went to college, thinking small town, I'll be cool. Not so much. [laughter] Did you know they have liquor stores in Abilene? And so I was in Abilene and I was drinking again. I mean, just the same stuff over. And I said, "Okay, I'll try this AA thing again." And so I go back to AA. And I meet one of the coolest people I think I've ever met in my life. And she was a sweet lady. And I don't know what's happened to her now, but she was this Irish nun. And I met her at an AA meeting. And that was the first time I ever heard anything about God in that meeting. And she and I talked to her outside beforehand and just thought she was the coolest thing in the world. And the Catholic church had moved her to Abilene, to a small town, for the same reason I moved there. And so I'm talking to her and they mentioned God and I just joke around her, lean over next to her and say, "Oh, this is about God. You got this nailed." [laughter]
And so we become friends. Her name is Katherine and I don't really—I wish I knew what happened to her. I got to go make it out to Abilene and see what she's doing. And anyway, what happened one time is Katherine called me at about midnight one night and said, "Hey, I'm at this bar and I'm about to drink and I need help." And I said, "What can I do?" And she said, "Just please come down here." And I said, "Okay." So I went down there and I hadn't had a drink in about maybe two or three weeks. And I was ready, but I was going in there thinking, "All right, I'm just going to go get her. We're going to leave and we're going to go to IHOP or something and get out of there."
Well, I open up the front door to the bar and that smell, you know, the stale smoke and booze and Zesty Top is playing on the jukebox and I'm like home, you know? [laughter] And so I walked in and I found Katherine sitting there and she's sitting at the bar and she's not having the good time I am. She's staring at a shot and just staring at it. And I walk up next to her and I sit down and I say, "All right, what do we do now?" And she was like, "I don't know." I said, "We could leave." And she said, "Well, I'm not ready to leave yet." And I said, "All right, neither am I."
And so she had a shot and I thought, "Well, to be fair," [laughter] "I better get one, too." And so I got a shot and we're sitting there and she finally says, "We're going to drink, aren't we?" [laughter] And there's a distinct difference between her experience and my experience. She's scared shitless of taking that drink, and I'm excited because the pain's about to go away. We take the shot and it is ease and comfort right away for me. We order another one and she starts praying before each shot. And she's crying at the same time. She's praying and crying and the prayer she's saying is that she hopes this is the last one. And I didn't feel like that yet.
So if somebody brought me a message at that point how it should have been brought, I don't know. I doubt I would have taken it at that point because alcohol was still working for me. It was still solving my problem. It was still my solution. It was still what I did when I had a bad day. It's what I did when I had a good day. And with her, it wasn't like that. She wanted to stop desperately and I just wanted the pain to stop desperately and that was the only way I knew how. And so we both get hammered and she doesn't have a car. So I drive her home and I drop her off and I went to a couple meetings after that and we got drunk one more time together and I thought it was kind of cool getting drunk with a nun. I mean, you know, that's why I laugh every time—you know those calendars that have like nuns doing bad things? I'm like, that's why I chuckle every time because I mean, I was part of that. [laughter]
And so I don't know what happened to Katherine. God bless her. I really hope that finally a recovered alcoholic came across her path and offered her a solution to what the deal is. The next several years of my life are very standard alcoholic crap that happens. Still can't keep a job. I got fired from Home Depot. Apparently they don't like it when, again, you're supposed to be at work at three and you get up at three-thirty, three forty-five and drive their forklifts drunk. They don't like that. And I got fired because I was screaming at my boss because I was going to get written up again for being late. And I thought that was just unfair.
And at that point, I had moved around a lot. I've lived in several towns in Texas, even moved to New Jersey, thinking every move or the girl I'm moving there for is going to fix me. And none of it ever does. It's always the same. The same idiot that left one town shows up in the next one. And so no matter where I went, there I was. And my parents living in Houston, fired from Home Depot. They're sick of my junk. And they did the best thing for me and they kicked me out of the house and I didn't have anywhere to go except to the girlfriend that was living in San Antonio. Moved out there, ended up getting promoted and moved to Dallas through a coworker of where I worked at that place. I knew somebody that goes to this group.
Try not to stay drunk long because that's not even the good stuff. It's just so I met this person that goes to this group and we're hanging out and we're friends and we're doing whatever. And several times I'm like, "Let's go get a beer. Let's go get a beer." She's like, "No, I don't drink. I don't drink at all." I'm like, "Oh, you can watch. I mean, you know," [laughter] "because it's happening, but you know, whether you're there or not." [laughter]
So what ends up happening—and the funny thing is, I thought I had had this girl fooled. I sworn off twice to her. She called me while I was on the couch hurting. I'd taken anti-depressants again. And that's going to solve the whatever. And drinking and Wellbutrin, not a good idea. But still didn't stop me. I decided to stop taking the Wellbutrin because that was really interfering with how much I could drink. So anyway, I swore off twice to this girl and finally she says—she tells me after I'm asking to go out to get a beer, she says, "Well, I can't drink because I'm allergic to alcohol."
And the thing that kicked off that she was an AA was because that's what they told me to tell people way back when in Austin. "Tell them you're allergic." But the thing is, they didn't explain what the hell that meant. That was just something I supposed to tell somebody when I didn't, you know, when I wasn't supposed to go drink with them. And anyway, so she brought me here and I mean, thank God for this group and thank God for the fact that people here do the steps and carry this message because y'all had one meeting. And if I had to listen to people's crap, she told me how many people came and I'm like, "Oh, there's one hundred and fifty people? I don't want to listen to one hundred and fifty." [laughter] "I'm going to have to get drunk just to deal with the meeting." [laughter]
But she—I mean, I said, "Listen, I don't want to hear people moan and complain about their lives because I really don't care." And she's like, "That's not what our meeting is like. Just come. Just come to one." And I said, "Okay." So I came and I went to a Foundation meeting and I'm sitting there listening and I'm telling her that I'm going to be a good supportive friend for her. And that was a lie [laughter] because my life is falling apart. I'm about to lose the job I have. You know, things aren't going well.
And the thing is when I would stop drinking, life never got better. Life never got better when I quit drinking. It got worse. And me without a solution is an ugly thing. Ask my parents because you know the times that I'm living with them. I mean, why do you think they threw me out? I was either staying out late and getting drunk or screaming at them because I was trying to not drink and I couldn't deal with anything. And those poor people, you know, I put them through hell and they still love me. And wow, I love those people to death.
Anyway, so I get here and I'm in this Foundation meeting and I'm thinking, "All right, I better hear something good because if I'm glad one person's talking instead of everybody needing to unload their junk." But she started talking about the Big Book and the steps and what they meant. Talked about step one, about what powerless is, explained the allergy to me. Explained the reason when I start drinking and I can't stop is because I have an allergy to alcohol. It's because this craving that I break out into is why alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. Why I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable. I'm sitting there just reading it thinking, "Boy, yeah, it is." My life is not unmanageable because I lose jobs and can't keep a relationship and can't pay bills. My life is unmanageable because I can't stay away from booze. That's why my life is unmanageable.
You know, I would tell you I drank for all different kinds of reasons. I was molested until the age of seven. That girl I moved to New Jersey for got an abortion and told me after—I didn't know she was pregnant. I used all these excuses. I was picked on growing up. Poor me. You know, I use all these excuses to drink, but that's not why I drink. I drink because I'm an alcoholic. I drink because I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. Alcoholics drink and I am. So I did.
And that whole meeting, I couldn't stop thinking about that. I vaguely heard about step two and three in that meeting, but I couldn't stop sitting there thinking about it and my butt was nailed to the chair. I was like, "Wow, I really am an alcoholic. I truly am and I can't do anything about it." Until she said that the Big Book says I can go try some controlled drinking. I, you know, the week or a month—it doesn't for me, ten minutes. And I've got a good idea. You know, I've got a plan working.
And so after that meeting that night, we went out and had dinner with a couple other friends and I dropped her off back at her car and I went straight to the Flying Saucer and I said, "Okay, controlled drinking. This is it. I'm going to test myself and we're going to see how it all goes. I'm going to have one beer. I'm going to have one beer." Well, but I have that Flying Saucer membership card thing and I'm trying to get that gold plate on the wall and we can apply three beers to that in one night. So three beers. Three beers and we're good. So I decided on three.
And so I'm in the bar and I'm starting to drink and I'm drinking and I'm chatting with the folks next to me because I can now. [laughter] And then I stopped and I thought, "Oh, I was supposed to stop at three. How?" And I asked the bartender. I was like, "How many have I had?" And he goes, "Nine." And I went, "What the hell?" [laughter] "Let's go. I mean, I've already blown it. Might as well blow it all the way, you know."
And so I got good and hammered then. And there are several more benders that come along. And I remember Katherine and how she felt when she drank. It's on my birthday. And again, I'm going into this whole thing with a buddy of mine thinking, "Two drinks, two drinks, two beers. I'll even do beer. Not even going to do bourbon. Bourbon was my favorite thing on the planet. That was what I love to drink. And I was like, I'll just do beer. I'm not going to do bourbon." And I stuck to two beers. It was the bourbon after those two beers that was the problem.
And but the thing is when I got drunk then, when it fixed me before, it wasn't working anymore. And I'm this angry pissed off person because I'm trying to get relief and I'm not getting it anymore. I don't know how much alcohol it would have taken to get to that point like I felt when I was twelve or when I was five and I tried to get there a bunch and it just didn't get me there anymore. So much as the waitress knew me from high school. This is back in my hometown where we're at. And she comes up and I—she says, "You still drink like you did in high school." "Well, you drink more." And I'm like, "All right, two more shots." And she comes and she says, "Well, don't you think you've had enough already?" I mean, I looked this woman dead in the eye and I said, "I didn't ask for a commentary on my life. I told you to bring me two more bourbons." And I came out and she called me a few names and which she should have.
And I got drunk and I'm staring at these bourbon shots she brought and I'm like, "I don't want to drink them." And then I remembered Catherine. And I remembered what I was told here. And it only took me about another month of trying the experiment again because then I was too embarrassed. I was too embarrassed to admit that I was really an alcoholic and I got drunk again. And the thing is when I got drunk at this point over the last several years, I didn't want to be alive anymore. And I would pray when I was drunk that God don't let me wake up from this one and then get pissed off in the morning when I did. And I'd had enough of that.
And it was y'all's smiling faces that I remembered when I came to the last time I had a drink because y'all were happy. Y'all lived life. You weren't hiding from life. And I wanted that. I wanted that desperately. [laughter] So I called my friend back up and said, "Can I come to the meeting again?" And she said, "You can come anytime you want." And I did. And I came.
And again, my mind is already starting. "I'm making too big a deal. The headache's gone. You know, you're making too big a deal out of it." I started reading stuff in the Big Book about leading a double life. And I was that—that was me. Because while I might be able to come off as somebody that was okay some of the time, I wasn't. And so I decided to get a sponsor. And I talked to this guy with a big gray bushy beard—looks like Papa Smurf. [laughter] And it was a three-minute conversation and I—and a friend of mine had been dragging people up to me. "You want to talk to that person?" I'm like, "No." You know, and I was again, I was angry, very angry. And—"What about this person?" "No." And then kind of looked over and saw Myers and I said, "What about that guy?" "You want to talk to Myers?" [laughter] "So you want to talk to Myers?" And I'm like, "Sure."
And I go over there and he and I—I don't know if y'all were here for birthday night. It was in the closet back there. And I walked up and my friend said, "Myers, Scott. Scott, Myers." And Myers goes, "What's your deal, booze or drugs?" I said, "Alcohol." He goes, "You want to quit?" I said, "Yeah." He goes, "You want to quit forever?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Okay."
And then, you know, I didn't say anything after that. I didn't know what to say. And he walked off and I asked Wendy, who is man, one of my best friends on the planet. I asked her that night. I was like, "Do you have that Myers guy's phone number? I want to talk to him and ask him to be my sponsor. Is he good?" You know, I didn't know who he was. [laughter] And Wendy said, "Well, did you hear God through him?" And I was like, "I know when I talked to him, I don't know. I guess so." And I had heard what he said during the meeting and his comments. And she said, "Call him." And I left a ten-minute long message on his voicemail.
"Uh, hey, um, this is Scott and um, I talked to you last night in the meeting. I don't know if you remember me or not. Um, big guy, goatee." [laughter] "Um, I—would you um, you know, the whole be my sponsor." And he called me and he called me the next morning and said something that kind of shocked me. He goes, "Again, are you done for good and all?" And I said, "Yes." He goes, "Good because if you're not, we'll dust your butt off and let you go get finished and come back when you are. Meet me Thursday." "Yes, sir." [laughter]
And so I did and we started from there and working the steps from there. He made sure I understood what being an alcoholic was, making sure I understood what step one was all about. He said, "How do you feel about God?" I said, "I'm okay with God." He said, "Good. Done with step two." You know, and we did this third step prayer. And then as soon as we got done with the third step prayer, he handed me my four-step sheets and he said, "You have a week." And I had it done in about three days.
He had gone out of town. And you know, we should all work the steps the same, but my experience with the steps—I didn't get the third step promises right away. And here's why because I wouldn't have been able to—if I had gotten any relief whatsoever at that point, I wouldn't be able to think of who I resented. Because believe me, at that point, my mindset—I couldn't have done it. I hate this guy. I hate this guy. I hate them, you know, and it was not hard for me at all to make that list of people I resented. And why? I'll tell you all day long why they're jerks. And so I was not feeling all right. Again, my solution's gone and I'm scared. And I called him one day when I was at work, and I said, "Myers, I don't feel good, man. I'm going nuts and I want a drink." He said, "Well, then go drink." I said, "I don't want to drink. I want to know how to not do that." He said, "When do you get off of work?" I said, "Five o'clock." He said, "Go to the twenty-four-hour club."
I said, "What am I going to do there?" And he said, "You're going to talk to another alcoholic. You just talk to somebody." I was like, "What do I tell him? You know, I've only got like three or four days." And he said, "That's three and a half days longer than most of those guys have. Go tell them about it." You know? And I said, "Okay." And I went and it was magic. It was great. While I mean, I wanted more of it. I'm still grindy. You know, I'm listening to Melanie do the steps and I distinctly remember this and I'm listening to her do the steps and she's talking about eight and nine and the freedom that comes from nine. And how I'm feeling then on page fifty-two those resentments—how I'm feeling then is step nine. A lot of that stuff slips away. And I didn't believe her. And I'm staring a hole through her through the whole meeting. And she comes up after and she goes, "Scott, are you okay?" And I went, "No, I'm not okay. Thank you for asking."
[laughter] And she was like, "Well, how far have you gotten?" And I was like, "I'm waiting to do my fifth." She goes, "Well, good. Just do your fifth step." "She—why are you so angry?" [laughter] And I said, "I think you're full of [expletive]." [laughter] "Because you know, I the third step stuff didn't happen. And so if the fifth step stuff didn't happen, I was gone. Right? Nothing could have been further from the truth. I met that Tuesday. We did my fifth step and through the whole thing I'm starting to kind of feel it's starting to go away and I'm like, 'I'm the one here that caused all this. I'm not the one—it was because I was trying to get what I wanted when I wanted from them and I did whatever I had to do to do that and they got sick of my crap.'"And so when I left that, you know, I had this whole kind of this whole shift going on. And there's this magical hour that you do after your fifth step. At least it was for me. And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about the first five steps. What did I forget? You know, did I leave somebody off? Have I been thorough? Do I know my truth in step one? Do I think—am I willing to believe that there's a power greater than me that can do this? Step three to do the decision to get through the rest of the steps. All right, I've got that decision down. Was I thorough on this fourth step? Did I tell Myers everything in the fifth step?
And as I'm doing this, it's this weight is being lifted. And at the end of that hour, I did six and seven and started writing people that weren't on my fourth step. That list is step eight already done from that. I wrote it because of the way my mind had changed. It wasn't hard for me to think of people that I had stepped on that I didn't resent. "Well, I screwed this guy over. I owe this guy money. And I screwed this guy over and this person and I really hurt that girl." And my whole outlook on life started changing drastically.
And I went from this guy just standing there and just, you know—to just feeling free. Feeling free. I could look people in the eye. It was my fault. And guess what? Because of these twelve steps, I can do something about me