Sober For Keeps – Steps 1-7 Workshop – AA Speakers – Audrey C. & Julie H.
AA speaker workshop on Steps 1-7 featuring Audrey C. and Julie H. from Texas. A detailed breakdown of how to work the steps for long-term permanent sobriety and sponsorship.
Audrey C. from Austin, Texas and Julie H. from Dallas take you through Steps 1-7 of the Big Book in this comprehensive AA speaker workshop. Their driving message is simple: if you want to get sober for good and all, you need to understand your truth in Step 1, believe in a power greater than yourself in Step 2, make a decision in Step 3, and then do the rigorous work of inventory. This isn’t about picking up a chip and leaving—it’s about the path to permanent sobriety and learning how to sponsor others so they can stay sober too.
This AA speaker workshop breaks down Steps 1-7 of Alcoholics Anonymous, focusing on the disease concept (loss of choice and control around alcohol), belief in a Higher Power, and the Fourth Step inventory process. Audrey C. and Julie H. emphasize that true recovery requires finding your truth in Step 1, understanding that self-will management doesn’t work, and doing honest and thorough inventory work to uncover the character defects—primarily selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear—that block spiritual connection. The speakers stress that sponsoring others through this work is how alcoholics stay sober long-term.
Episode Summary
This workshop is structured around one central idea: sobriety for keeps requires deep, honest work through the steps—not just attendance at meetings or surface-level change. Audrey C. and Julie H. spend most of their time breaking down the first four steps, then touching on Steps 5-7, because they believe this foundation determines whether someone will stay sober or relapse.
They begin with Step 1 by unpacking what the Big Book actually means by powerlessness and unmanageability. Audrey walks through the Doctor’s Opinion in detail, explaining the “allergy of the body”—the phenomenon of craving that hits the moment alcohol enters an alcoholic’s system. She distinguishes between choice and control: while the first drink may look like a choice (you drove to the store, you bought the bottle), once it’s in your system, control evaporates. She also breaks down the mental obsession: the delusion that *this time* you can handle it, that you can switch to beer, that you can control the amount. This internal lie—what the book calls the phenomenon of craving and the sensation that is “elusive”—is the hallmark of the real alcoholic, not just someone who drinks too much.
Julie emphasizes that this disease has a spiritual solution, not a willpower solution. She drives home the distinction between someone who can quit if they really want to (and do) versus the real alcoholic, who *cannot* stay quit no matter how powerful their desire. She quotes the text: “At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.” That’s the death sentence—and the turning point—for the person willing to accept it.
For Step 2, the focus shifts to surrender of intellectual pride. Both speakers note that people come into the rooms with either too much God (the arrogant spiritual type who thinks they already have it figured out) or too little (the atheist or agnostic bristling at the word “God”). Neither posture works. What matters is willingness to believe that *some* power greater than yourself can restore sanity. Julie reads Bill’s story about Ebby carrying the message to Bill—not waiting for Bill to ask for help, but showing up with evidence (a sober, happy person) that something beyond human power was at work. She stresses that Step 2 isn’t about understanding God; it’s about being willing to believe there’s a power greater than yourself. That’s enough to make a beginning.
Step 3 is presented as a vital decision point: you must be convinced of Step 1 (your life on self-will doesn’t work) and willing to believe in Step 2 (there’s a power that can help), then make a commitment to turn your will and life over. Julie warns sponsors not to rush people into Step 3 if they haven’t truly accepted Steps 1 and 2. She tells a story of working with a newcomer who understood the physical piece (can’t stop drinking) but still believed she could control it mentally. Julie told her to leave and try controlled drinking, or just don’t drink. Two weeks later, the woman called back desperate and became sober because she finally saw her truth.
The bulk of the workshop centers on Step 4—the moral inventory. This is where the work gets real. Audrey emphasizes that inventory is about facts, not feelings. She breaks down the four columns: (1) people, institutions, and principles you resent; (2) the cause (what they did or how they affected you); (3) what part of self was injured (security, self-esteem, ambitions, personal relationships, sex); and (4) your own part—where you were selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened.
She stresses that the fourth column is where transformation begins. Most people stop at columns 1-3, telling war stories about how others wronged them. But the book directs you to look at yourself: where did you act out of fear, delusion, self-seeking? How did you set the ball rolling? Audrey uses a concrete example of suspicion at a meeting, how the mind creates a narrative (she doesn’t like me), then takes action (calls a friend to complain), which causes the actual harm. The resentment originated in the alcoholic’s own mind and actions, not in what the other person was thinking.
Julie adds that inventory doesn’t require months of reflection or perfect memory. It’s about getting honest on paper about what’s eating you *right now*, then working backward through your life. She warns against getting stuck in the details of columns 1-3 or using inventory as therapy. The goal is to see the pattern: selfishness shows up differently in different people (Julie charges ahead, Audrey works behind the scenes), but it’s the same defect. Fear sits at the base of every resentment. And crucially, the alcoholic always has a part, even in terrible situations—not that they caused the wrong to happen, but how they’ve carried it, justified it, and used it to excuse drinking.
Both speakers emphasize that honesty is non-negotiable. Audrey warns that if you can’t be honest on paper, you’ll have trouble downstream. The book uses the word “honest” three times in the opening of Step 4. Julie stresses that if you still care what people think about you, you’re not ready to get sober. You have to write it down, no matter how it looks.
Steps 5-7 are touched on briefly. Step 5 is the admission of wrongs to God and another person. Step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have God remove character defects. Step 7 is humbly asking Him to remove them. The speakers note that the book’s language is conditional: *if* you follow this, *and* you’re willing to do the work, *then* effect will follow. There’s no guarantee of a “burning bush” experience. Sobriety itself is the effect.
Throughout, both speakers emphasize that this program is simple but not easy. It requires willingness to do things you’re not keen on doing. It requires honesty and humility. It requires following the text, not opinions floating around the fellowship. And crucially, if you want long-term sobriety, you must learn to sponsor others through this same work, because that’s what keeps you sober. The real measure of sobriety isn’t how many days you have—it’s whether you’re carrying the message to others and helping them find their truth in the steps.
Notable Quotes
We are without defense against the first drink.” – Audrey C.
Alcohol is the great persuader. Not your sponsor, not your home group, not somebody branding you an alcoholic.” – Audrey C.
If they want it, you can’t beat them off with a stick. If they don’t want it, you can’t give it to them with an enema.” – Audrey C., quoting her sponsor
The most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.” – Julie H., reading the Big Book
Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself? As soon as a man can say that, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.” – Julie H., reading the Big Book
If you’re not convinced of step one, please don’t make them do their third step. It’s not worth it to them.” – Audrey C.
You can’t get sober for the man, the woman, the parent, the job, the judge, the babies, nothing. If nothing stands between you and the alcohol, then you’re at a perfect place.” – Audrey C.
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Step 2 – Higher Power
Step 3 – Surrender
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 2 – Higher Power
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Sponsorship
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Guys, my name's Audrey Chapman.
I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hey, Audrey. >> Good morning.
I'm from Austin, Texas, and this is Julie Harvey. She's from Dallas, Texas. If we didn't get to meet you tonight or last night, excuse me.
Welcome. Um, we're absolutely honored and delighted to be here. Um, and really kind of taken aback by the amount of effort and engagement and um, just wow.
what you guys have done to bring us out here. We're we're absolutely honored. What we're going to do, the the driving force of this workshop is called Sober for Keeps.
So, what we're looking at is what does it really look like for me to get set on a path that ensures long-term permanent sobriety, right? So, that's going to be the goal and that's what we're going to keep coming back to. So, we're going to take you through the book.
We're going to take you through all 12 steps. we're going to look at as an as from the standpoint of going through the work and then also what it looks like to take other people through the work because that's kind of the question. If you if you want to stay sober for good and for all, you need to learn how to sponsor.
You need to learn how to carry the message because that in and of itself is what takes you to people picking up 15, 20, 25, 50 years of sobriety and having healthy sobriety, good sobriety. So, this is what we're going to do. So, everybody's got a book, right?
I'm going to make a big assumption and assume everybody's got a book. If you'll turn in your book um to the title page that says Alcoholics Anonymous should be a fairly blank page looking like this. I'm going to take you to the first promise.
And then we're going to roll into the step work. On that title page where it says Alcoholics Anonymous, it says the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. If you don't have that underlined, get your pen out.
Recovered ed past tense, which means I got well. I took some necessary action. I took some necessary steps and the obsession to drink has been removed.
That is in fact what that means. That's the first promise of the big book. I've got a note in my text um from Cliff Bishop and it says, "Protect the integrity of this message." And so that's what we're here to do.
And so we may ruffle a few feathers and that's so okay. Um but we're going to talk about the text and what this really looks like. So bear with us.
What I want to get started talking about um in step one this morning is knowing your truth. Um, there's been a lot of people that have sat in a lot of meetings and said, "I'm Audrey. I'm an alcoholic." And and don't have a clue what it means to be alcoholic.
There's a lot of people in this world that are drinking too much and need to quit. That's pretty evident. But what does it mean to be an alcoholic?
To suffer from a disease um of the mind and the body. What does that really look like? So, we're going to delve into what it means to know your truth.
Um, so, one thing I want to do is I'm going to take you into um into the doctor's opinion. Julie mentioned last night, if you haven't read the doctor's opinion, my goodness, this is the the synopsis. This is the the snapshot.
Um, a couple pages in on XXV II III, Roman numeral 28. Why they put Roman numerals in a book for drunks, I will never know. But, um, but they did.
We're going to look at what Dr. Silfor gives us. And he went out on a huge limb in that day and age.
People weren't weren't looking at alcoholism as a disease. they were looking at as some sort of a behavioral, you know, defect, a character. Um, and what he found through working with a number of us, namely Bill Wilson, is that we suffer from a disease of the mind and the body.
And he's going to go into detail. I'm not going to read the doctor's opinion to you, but I want to hit a couple highlights with you. On the top of that page, the top left hand line should say craving for liquor.
It says, "We believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy." Um, and and what we're driving at is when it says we're powerless over alcohol, what does that really mean? So, we want to get down to to the causes of it. I've got an allergy of the body.
It says the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker. So, what that looks like is um there's a couple of components to alcoholism. One is choice, the other is control.
What we're talking about right now is control. Once I put it in, can I stop? No, I can't.
But why? I need to understand what this is really about. So, it's saying I've got an allergy of my body, which means that every time that liquor gets in this system, every time alcohol of any kind gets in the system, uh, my body begins to do something called a phenomenon, which means it couldn't be explained.
Back in the day, they didn't understand why that was happening. They called it a phenomenon of craving. Right?
You ever been on the floor trying to shuffle to get the next one? Right? Anybody have the experience of telling the bartender, "You know what?
I'm good. Thanks. I don't need another." No.
Nobody in this room knows what that's about, right? Because our bodies, once I get one shot in, I'm going to have another and another and another whether I want to or not. That's the baffling feature of alcoholism.
This need to stop, this desire to stop and not be able to put the brakes on. Can't do it. Can't do it.
So, it says I've got this phenomenon of craving. Um, and I have to ask myself the question, did I ever get enough? The answer is is infinitely no for this alcoholic.
I could never get enough in my system. Then it goes on to talk about never being able to use alcohol in any form at all. And guys, we got to get real clear about that, you know, any form at all.
Your body will not register alcohol as medicinal, right? Just because it's in Nyquil, just because it's in a pain pill, just right. It doesn't work that way.
I've got to be really really careful or recreational. Just because they poured some bourbon on top of a really yummy dessert, your your body won't know the difference. You're not trying to get loaded, but you will.
And the problem is is that any form at all, it gets in this bloodstream, it will trip the phenomenon of craving and I'll be at the liquor store that night with with having zero intention to do so. So, I see a lot of you guys relapsing around prescription pads. You've got to be careful.
If it pours, read the label. Whose responsibility is this? Well, the doctor prescribed it, right?
Did he know? No. Then that's on you, right?
I've got to be real, real careful and accept some responsibility for this stuff. And goes down to the bottom um of that page. It says men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.
Well, absolutely. Why else would you drink? I remember my mother said to me one time, "I just thought you really really like the the way that it tasted." Said, "Mother, would you drink a beer that had a cigarette butt floating in it?" She said, "God, no." I said, "I will if it comes to it, ladies.
I'm telling you, I strain it out. I've got to have more. It doesn't matter.
I'm not a gin drinker. Never have been. It's the most disgusting.
But you run out of what I'm drinking, I'm on it. Right? That's about an effect.
This is not about a party. It's not about having fun. It's not about being social.
It's about a need to get loaded. A need to. Once it starts, it's not going to stop.
I've got an effect produced going on. So, it says that sensation is so elusive. While I admit it's injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.
That's a lot of big words to say this. The internal shift that happens when alcohol hits the back of my throat. the magic, the sensation where your shoulders drop and you go, "Oh, no matter what's going on out here in your external world, it just got right.
It just got okay." That sensation is elusive, which means that I can't always catch it. It's like a delusion that I can step up. Anybody here throw darts in a bar?
Right. I Yeah, I won't even get into that. But I remember stepping up to that line and being convinced I could hit the bullseye every single time.
Now, early on, I could, right? But as you get more loaded and more loaded, it starts you're hitting the wall, you're hitting people, right? But the delusion is I can hit that bullseye.
The same thing, the obsession of my mind works in that very same manner. I'm convinced every time I pull up to the liquor store, every time I pull up to the bar, I can control it and enjoy it. That I can maintain it.
That is a delusion that hadn't happened in years, but I'm setting it on fire every single day. Right? Elusive.
It's like trying to catch a fish and hold on to it. You're not going to be able to. and it looks silly while you're trying to do it, right?
It's it's elusive. And it talks about it being injurious. This is this is a question of consequences.
This is a question of things that happen as a direct result of my drinking. And this is where some people chart off the path and want to talk about amenability being the drama and the consequences and the nonsense that that happens in our lives. And I'm here to tell you, I know a lot of people that have drank too much in their lifetime, had a lot of consequences, had a lot of drama, and they stopped because of it.
That's not unmanageability. That's about being too drunk, right? And having some bad stuff happen, you know?
And so what we're talking about is while I admit that there's injuries, I can't tell the truth from the false. You want to talk about unmanageability? That's it.
My mind tells me, Audrey, you got this. Audrey, don't drink and drive and you can manage this. Audrey, eat a little something beforehand.
You won't get so loaded. Audrey, only take $15 to the bar. That's the delusion in my mind is that there's some avenue that I can come at this deal.
Clearly, you need to stay away from bourbon, go back to drinking beer. Anybody else done the beer experiment? >> That is a disaster waiting to happen, right?
But I'm trying to control it and enjoy it. And the the delusion of my mind is that I can do it, that I can pull it off. Because early on in my drinking career, I could pseudo control this thing.
More often than not, I didn't, but I thought that I was. Right. The false is every time I put liquor or alcohol in any form in this body, it triggers the phenomenon of craving, I get loaded.
Bad stuff happens more often than not. And this is what we're talking about. The insanity that precedes the first drink.
It says to them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one, right? You ever watch those of you guys that have been around a minute? You watch some of the newcomers come in and then and their stories are horrifying and they're completely like, "Oh, this is my life.
This is how it rolls." and and you had forgotten momentarily how what that looked like if we'd have come to you at 7 and said, "Darling, here's how it's going to play out." >> You would have said, "I don't think so. Surely not. I would never let it get that bad.
Let's do this. Who's got an alcoholic in the family?" Anybody? Do you ever look at people like that and say, "Man, if it ever got that bad, I'd quit." Then you surpass them, right?
Or you set those barriers for yourself. If I ever get if my kids ever see me loaded and I scare them, I'll stop. If I ever get in trouble at work, it becomes an issue with my co-workers and my boss, I'll stop.
If there's a legal problem, I'd never let it get to that point. And you begin to set these bars and every time you bust your butt on them, you lower it a little bit more. Well, that really wasn't that big of a deal.
And I I wasn't loaded at work. I was just hung over, so it's I'm going to let that one slide, right? And you begin to make excuses and and justifications for yourself before you don't know who you are anymore.
can't look myself in the mirror. That's my alcoholic life became the only normal one. Waking up saying, "I'll never do this again.
By lunch, I'm loaded or planning to get loaded." Set it all in motion. The next morning, I woke up remorse. Dang, I can't believe I let it happen again.
That is my normal life. It's not even really about the drama cuz there's more pain than drama, is there not? I mean, certainly some of us step in it more than others, but you know what they're talking about is that sickness of I want to stop so bad and so desperately, but I absolutely cannot.
That's my only normal life. It says they're restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. What are you like without a drink or a chemical in your body untreated?
>> Are you happy, joyous, and free? I'm sure not. I'm irritable.
Everybody and everything is on my last nerve. The sound of your voice is like nails on a chalkboard, right? I don't really know why you're breathing so loud.
Irritated at everything. Hyper sensitive. Hyper aware of everything.
Everything's being done at me. Y'all with me? Right.
People are looking at you and you're going, "What?" They're looking past you. They're not even looking at you. Restless.
Anybody here have sleep problems? Right. I absolutely.
And when you do sleep, you don't wake up rested and the mind's always racing. Discontent, nothing and nobody's good enough, right? I'll be happy when I'll be okay if Wow.
Wow. What a darkness. Sense of ease and comfort.
That's why I That's why I drink. See, I want to connect the dots to make it about an external deal. I drink because of him.
I drink because that job is so much presser. I drink because of the childhood stuff. If you had my life, you'd drink, too.
is false information, absolute delusion. I drink because I sense some ease and comfort in the bottle. And even when it's gone, I'm drinking it anyway.
Are you? Welcome. You are in the right room.
Okay. This is what we're talking about. The control piece is probably the easiest one to get your mind around.
Once I start, I can't stop. That's obvious to everybody else in the world as they watch us, but it's it can become fairly obvious to you. The the hard thing to wrap your mind around is this this choice piece because it looks like a choice, doesn't it?
Who drove to the liquor store? Who bought the booze? Who who went home and immediately poured it down their throat sometimes on the way without somebody holding a gun to their head?
Right? Me. It looks like a choice.
Who said they were never going to do it again? Me. Welcome to drinking against your will.
That's what that looks like. And that is the major component of step one. Cuz see, if the allergy is the problem, if I can't drink without getting drunk, what's the obvious solution?
Don't don't pick up the first one. Thank you very much, Nancy Reagan. Right?
If I could if I could get with that, if I could wrap my hand around going, you know what? No. I'll just say no.
Then I'd be perfect. I'd be golden. And the problem is you can do that from time to time.
You can do that. Let's flip to page 24 and talk about what that looks like. So on the preceding page, they're talking about um this idea of people waiting on us to kind of pull it together.
This idea of them waiting on us to pull ourselves up and go enough is enough. I choose not to drink anymore and I'm going to kind of get it together. Right?
And at the bottom it says the tragic truth that if the man be a real alcoholic, the happy day may not arrive. He has lost control. We're at the top of 24.
At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. Stop for a moment. Did you catch it?
The most powerful desire to stop means nothing. How many times you heard that in a meeting? You guys, you just really got to want to.
You got to really want to. My book just said it doesn't matter how much you want to, you're going to. You will drink again.
That's the truth. And that's the death sentence for the real alcoholic. And you're going to hear Julie and I refer to that all day long.
The real alcoholic. Not the hard drinker, not the moderate drinker, not the guy who got in trouble and his wife suggested he come sit in a meeting. No, I'm talking about the real alcoholic.
Don't spit Dr. Pepper. It says the tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it's suspected.
If you haven't read Bill's story, my goodness, go get you some Bill Wilson. Right. Go back and read that story.
There's a line in there that reads this. Alcohol, let me not misquote it. Let me not do that.
Alcohol. Well, I can't find it. Alcohol ceased to be a luxury and it became a necessity.
Liquor. Liquor ceased to be a luxury. It became a necessity.
Can you guys get with that? This isn't fun. This isn't a party.
This isn't about anything. This is about I have to drink to live and it's killing me. Quite the quite the paradox, is it not?
Right? Happens long before it's suspected in every situation. Now, it goes into some italics and it looks like this.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice and drink. I you want a a good definition of unmanageability. There you go.
No matter what, no matter what looms behind me in the past, I don't want that to repeat itself. No matter what dreams and aspirations I've got ahead of me that I can't seem to connect with because because liquor's in the way, I can't choose not to do it. That in and of itself is alcoholism.
I can't stop no matter what. Right? I say our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent in this area.
There there's some men and women in this room to that I know have some strong willpower. You don't believe me? Try them get them to do something they don't want to do.
It won't happen. we we'll not do it just despite you, right? We have willpower, but when it comes to combating alcoholism, it's diminished, right?
The the the loss of choice and control around this is taking me to a point where willpower is no longer sufficient in this area. So, it says we we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first strength and that's it.
At certain times, I can't recall the drama, the pain, the sickness of of hours, days, weeks, months ago with enough force to keep me from pulling in front of the liquor store, to keep me out of the beer store, to keep me out of the bar, to keep me from drinking alone at home. I can't recall that. Now, here's the funny thing.
The day it happens, sometimes it's enough. You ever had one of those moments? Think about this.
Let's let's play this game. Nobody say it out loud, but think about getting dicey. Think about this.
What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you as a direct result of alcohol? The absolute worst thing. And a lot of times it'll turn your own stomach just to think about it.
The moment where you said to yourself, "I can't believe it got this bad. I swore I'd never be this person." Right? How long was it when you made that resolve, that firm resolution?
How long was it before you picked up a drink again? Day? Some of us hours?
Some of us a week? Some of us a couple months kind of held it together and it finally broke, right? Sometimes it's sufficient for short periods of time.
But the truth is, the further away I get away from the pain, the easier it is for my mind to go, "Well, that was then. That won't happen again. I need to not be in that part of town with those people at that hour.
I need to not drink alone. That's that's not a good deal. Let's make this a social thing." Right?
It goes to work on you. The main problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind, not the body. We're all trying to stay away from the first one, but the problem is we can't.
We're all trying not to trigger the allergy, but we can't. That That's what the deal is. I can't not do it.
At certain times, it says we are without defense against the first drink. Let me tell you what, if you're if you're looking for some solidified truth in this textbook, that's it. We are without defense against the first drink.
I hear a lot of people in the treatment centers um when we go to carry the message go, "Well, you know what? I've got some babies at home and I'm just I'm not going to do this anymore cuz I want to be a mom. How commendable.
How cool. I get that. Guess what?
Not going to work. Were your baby's not important enough 6 months ago for you to stop. It's not about that.
It's not about them. It's not about the love you have for your child. It's about an utter inability to cease what you're doing.
No matter how great the necessity or the wish. Can you all get with that? >> No matter what.
No matter what. Ever Has anybody ever had the experience of having um a a consequence put in place before it happened? If you get loaded again, dot dot dot.
It's from from a judge, from an employer, from your spouse. I'm I'm out the door. And you think that that's what I've been waiting on.
I've been waiting on the reason, the good one. And then you find yourself picking up a drink going, "Am I crazy?" And you begin to wonder. Bill Wilson used to comp contemplate that.
Am I crazy? Am I of weak will? Is this a character issue?
Is this low moral? The answer is absolutely not. Absolutely not.
I'm diseased in my mind and my body and I can't stop no matter what. And that's the truth. That's the truth.
Now, a lot of times, um, if we want to look at this from sort sort of a sponsorship perspective, trying to drive somebody into the first step, trying to get them to see facts and see truth, right? You can only present the book. You can only share your experience around the step.
You can only That's when war stories are appropriate. When you're one-on-one with another drunk trying to draw a connection, right? Bill called that language of the heart.
It's so important. It's so necessary to identify. That's when it's appropriate.
But you can't get somebody to see their truth. They're either willing. They're open to say, "Oh my god, I did that.
I drank like that. I felt like that. I'm desperate like you were.
What did you do?" You can take them to certain places in the book and outline it. But let me show you something. on 48 cuz this is when people begin to bulk.
On 48 about seven lines down from the top, it says, "Faced with alcoholic destruction, right? Meaning step one, the truth, the reality, the facts. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open-minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions." In this respect, alcohol was the great persuader.
It finally beat us into a state of reasonleness. Now, in this context, they're speaking about some prejudgments towards spiritual matters, but I'm telling you, you can fill in the blank with anything. I don't really know if I'm like you because I'm a beer drinker and you're a liquor, right?
It they'll they'll bulk at all kinds of ways. But here's the driving truth. Alcohol is the great persuader.
Not your sponsor, not your home group, not somebody branding you an alcoholic. Think about your own experience. How long did you did people tell you you were a drunk and you were resistant?
or how long did you sit in the meetings and go I'm Audrey I'm an alcoholic having no connection to what that meant cuz see when I talk about you've got to find your truth I have to know that when I sit in this room with with you guys this morning and say I'm Audrey Chapman and I'm an alcoholic I am utterly convinced on a gut visceral level that that's my truth and that's what drives me to continue with the work there's there's a great handout that we'll have up here later for you um and it talks about this idea of finding the truth in the first step will will propel me into doing the rest of the work. And if I don't find my truth in step one, my goodness, nothing's going to happen. This is where you feel like you're dragging proteges through the work and it will become exhausting.
If they know their truth, I don't want to say that on tape, but Cliff has a great thing. Is okay. All right.
our Julie sponsor, Cliff, um who I think hung the moon, FYI. But, um he uh he says that, you know, if if if they want it, if they absolutely want it, you can't beat them off with a stick. You just can't get rid of them.
They are chasing you. They're following you. And if they don't want it, you can't give it to them with an enema.
And I've I've never seen I've never seen something more simplistic be be more true. You know, if you can get get a new guy, get a new girl to see the reality and the facts because here's what you're doing. You're taking they're taking their experience.
You're taking the knowledge that you have of the text, right? Armed with the facts. You're matching them so that the big book comes alive for them because otherwise it it reads like a novel to people that can't connect with it.
It becomes boring. They don't connect. The meeting is gh it's it's a drudgery, right?
So, we're looking for some sort of a connection. Um I'm going to flip back to page uh to to 25 real quick. I'm totally not understanding the schedule.
Okay. All right. So then there becomes a um once I can kind of see and identify with this choice and control piece and I can kind of look at it, then I've got to look at what are my other options.
This will become vitally important not only in your own experience but in the experience of the men and women that you're going to be sponsoring as you as you go out from here. Um at the bottom of page 25, it says this. If you're as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution.
Let's pause and get clear on what middle of the road solution looks like. Self-sponsorship. Some of you guys have have embarked on that fun little journey, right?
Where you sponsor you. You make you call all the shots. That's that's middle of the road solution.
Going to meetings and not working the steps. That's middle of the road solution. Working part of the pro program and leaving the rest of it to to rest because it's not comfortable.
That's middle of the road solution. Now, I don't know about you, but when I got loaded, I got all the way loaded. I didn't do any half measures when it came to to getting drunk, right?
But what makes me think that I'm going to be able to shift gears and do it differently in recovery? You either want to get all the way free or you don't. Was was a a little ever enough for for y'all, right?
Not me neither. Me neither. No middle of the road solution.
If you're the real McCoy, it says we were in a position where life was becoming impossible, which means we're living in that first step. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Jumping off point.
And if we had passed it in the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had two alternatives. I circled that word if in my book because it's important. I've got to know, am I without human reliance?
Have I burned all that up? Or do I have a back pocket plan? You want to be mystified by somebody doing really well in the program and then burning off?
That was about a back pocket plan. >> That was about a reservation. That was about a I'm gonna do this for a minute while I get my marriage in order and once I'm good with him or good with her then I'll be good to go and I won't have to drink this.
That's about a misunderstanding of the first step. Right? So if I've passed into the region from which there's no return, meaning I can't get sober for the man, the woman, the parent, the job, the judge, the babies, nothing.
If nothing stands between you and the alcohol, then I'm then I'm faced with a decision. And you know, I was told very early in sobriety by some phenomenal people, if there is a job or a man that will fix you, go get them. Run at it 100 miles an hour, like your life depends upon it because obviously it does.
If you're out of options and you're out of plans and desperate, you're at a perfect place. It doesn't feel that way. >> It feels absolutely hopeless because there's no hope in step one, right?
If you're absolutely hopeless and you're you're in a pos position to accept something better, it says one was to go onto the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, and the other to accept spiritual help. So, it's kind of like being at a fork in the road. I've got a couple different avenues.
That's that's a a an easier cell when I'm convinced of the truth. When I know that left to my own devices, I'll drink until I die. facing some spiritual, you know, bumps in the road for me became a very easy choice when I'm out of options and I've got nowhere else to go.
Now, it says this we did because we honestly wanted to and we were willing to make the effort. That's conditional. See, a lot of people want to tell you you can kind of breeze your way through Alcoholics Anonymous.
You absolutely cannot. There are musts in the text. There are conditions.
There are suggestions. You ever want to find out what a suggestion meant in 1939? Look it up.
It's a subtle command. It's very different than that. We're going to, you know, skip through this and and it's just no big deal.
That's not the truth. So, I'm going to take some time as a sponsor to go through. I'm going to read this text with you, not page by page.
I'm going to ask you to read it and then we're going to get together and we're going to hit the highlights and see is this you? Is this not? We talked a little bit last night about the principle of honesty.
Right? This is the point in which I'm going to learn to be honest. Maybe for the very first time, >> right?
Is this me or is it not? Now, none of us know how to come in here being honest. I was telling people in treatment I was an author, right?
Dumbest thing. I mean, thank God they didn't ask me what I wrote. I mean, I had nothing nothing to go on.
But I did not understand what it meant to be honest. But the but this is why as a sponsor, you must be armed with the facts. You have to know to ask the questions.
You have to know where to drive them back to in the textbook. Sharing experience, strength, and hope is a phenomenal deal, but if it's not backed with the facts from the big book, you're in a lot of trouble because what it will do will set you up to give give this drunk a lot of opinions. And and from what I heard last night, a lot of you were in and out for 7 years, 9 years, 13 years, couldn't get sober, couldn't hear a message.
That's about being surrounded by a fellowship that is driven by opinions. What a what a detriment. I won't get off on that tangent too much, but if you ever want to go look at the success rates back in 39, go clock what they were doing.
They weren't chatting. They weren't sharing experience, strength, and hope. They they actually knew what that meant back then.
And it wasn't about talking about where you're at today. Experience was what happened. Where does your experience line up with the text, the facts about alcoholism, the disease of the body, and the mind?
That's experience. Strength, what did you do? worked the steps, solidified with a sponsor, made some decisions, understood this textbook, hope.
What does your life look like today? Where are you on a spiritual plane, right? Not how did you pull yourself out of your own problems?
>> So, not impressed. Self-reliance causes fear. Fear causes self.
We won't even go on that tangent. That's for inventory. But I've got to understand the truth about this text.
I've got to understand this. >> Okay. So, I'm Julie Harvey, alcoholic.
>> Julie Harvey, recovered. Thank God. Okay.
So, here's the deal. I We're not looking to get anybody sober for to to watch them pick up a 30-day or 60-day or 90-day chip. >> Mhm.
>> And then leave. Like, we're here to get you sober for good and all. And if you look through the text, you will see where it asks you again and again, are you willing to go to any extremes?
Are you willing to go to any lengths? Are you ready to quit for good and all? It asks you over and over and over.
So why is it that we come in here and we sit around and I will I will say something about that because you KNOW WHAT? I SAT in meetings for 13 years and I raised my hand and I said, "Hey, I'm Julian. I'm an alcoholic." And I had no idea what that meant.
I had no idea what that meant because what I heard was a lot of BS and sharing in meetings and sharing people's experiences of and people's strengths and hopes of their marriage and their job and the clouds and the traffic and their gas. Seriously, >> not a joke. So, what can we do differently?
What can we do to help somebody get sober for good and all? See, here's the deal. Like, we come in here absolutely dying.
And it's one thing. We got to see the truth in step one. And Andre laid that out really well.
And I'm not going to keep rehashing it, but we've got to understand that when it comes to alcohol, we don't have a choice whether we're going to put it in our body. And once we start, we can't control it. And if you can fix those little issues and not do it, our hats off to you.
Like, oh my gosh. Hallelujah for you. Leave.
Leave. But if you can't, please listen to what we have to offer because we have something more than just not drinking to offer. And I didn't know that about Alcoholics Anonymous.
See, I didn't know that. And the coolest thing is we do. So, so we we broke down step one, right?
No choice, no control. So, so, okay. So, then we get in this step two thing and it and it talks about um we're insane.
God, no. What does it say? Higher power, right?
Came to believe that a higher power could restore us to sanity. First of all, I'm like, I'm not crazy. Y'all are because at step two, I'm still arrogant as heck, right?
I still have all the ideas. I still have the plans. I still know what's better for me and you don't.
I mean, clearly that's it. Bill had a huge problem with the whole God idea, right? I mean, when Eie showed up, Eie was like going dot da da da da da.
He laid out this great program of action and then Ebie's like, AND THEN BILL'S LIKE, "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GOD. breaks on, right? There's a lot of us like that that I always say there's two types of people who come in here.
One with God, one without God. NOT MUCH IN THE MIDDLE. THAT'S IT.
I'M ALL over here. I'm all tight with God, right? Like, I'm in the church.
I'm starting a whole ministry. I'm volunteering. In fact, I'm on a committee that tells a a a pastor if he can get his pastoral license.
That's how smart I am. Then you have the guy over here. So, so actually when you TALK TO ME ABOUT spiritual matters, my mind snaps shut.
See, you don't know more than I do, right? And then you have the guy over here who bristles with antagonism when you mention the word God, right? Why?
Because he's so darn smart. He sits in his garage philosophy about life, knowing the solutions of the world, and he's so DARN SMART THAT HE DOES IT WHILE DRINKING. And I'm over here making all my calls to my church ladies drinking.
See, if we all had it, why are we still drinking? >> That's why I love how the big book lays it out. They lay it out and they ask us a couple simple questions.
Let's go to page 44. Says, "In the preceding chapters, you've learned something of alcoholism. So, we're hoping that you've actually read those chapters and we made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic like Audrey was talking about." Now, here's your questions.
If you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely. Look, we're aren't we quitters? We're great quitters.
>> Problem is, we can't stay quit. It's like, how do you stay quit? I quit all the time.
Quit every morning. Just can't stay it. Um, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take.
I keep drinking too darn much and I'm drunk every time and it's getting annoying. So, here you're probably alcoholic. Now if that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
That's the difference between me and that hard drinker. That's the difference. I have to have a spiritual experience.
I have to or I will die of this disease or live through it which is even uglier. So, you have to ask your yourself this question. Have you placed yourself beyond human aid?
Have you done everything you can to quit? Have you marshaled up with your own will? Listen, I love at the bottom it says, "If a mira philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.
We're not bad people. We're not ill-intentioned people, right? We all have morals and our own conduct that we'd like to live up to.
But it's saying the needed power isn't there. Our human resources marshaled by the will were uns insufficient. It's kind of like I wake up in the morning and I say I wish not to drink today.
And it says I can wish and I can will with all my might, BUT THE POWER ISN'T THERE. Just like I used to wake up and say, "I wish to be good. I wish to be the best mom ever today." The needed power isn't there.
It fails utterly. Right? I'm not saying we're bad people.
We're not. Lack of power. That's our dilemma.
It doesn't say booze is your dilemma. It says lack of power is your dilemma. You better find another power.
So if we have two types of people who come in here, one with and one without, right? And we're both thinking, I know, I know, I know, we're both I knowing ourselves, right to the liquor store. So what do we need to do differently?
What did Audrey say? What is the greatest persuader? Alcohol.
Alcohol is the greatest persuader. That's going to beat me into a state of reasonleness where I might be able to lay aside some prejudice. That's not where I'm going to be here, guys.
At step two, I STILL THINK I'M SMARTER than you. I don't KNOW HOW TO SAY IT ANY MORE THAN THAT. IT'S PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
I came in here knowing I'm better than you. I'm smarter than you. I might be drunk, but still.
Um, if you look at Bill, right, Bill had the huge problem with with with the whole God idea. But go to page um 11 because this is one of my favorite things. And I love Bill's story.
He said, "But my friend sat before me and he made the point blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed." That's what you need to be asking your proteges. Has your human will failed?
Where it comes to what? Alcohol. Cuz if your human will has failed around people, places, or things, go to Elellanon.
See, my human will has failed where it comes to alcohol. I guarantee you I can still control my husband. Very well.
Sh, don't tell him that doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat.
Then he had in effect been raised from the dead. The spiritually dead. Suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known.
Had this power originated in him, obviously it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute. And that was none at all.
How cool is that? This power is absolutely real and it's available to everyone. We don't get handpicked.
It is available to everyone. We just have to be willing to believe that there is a power greater than ourself. That's it.
Um here's the cool thing. If you notice the the the that that Ebie came to Bill, right? He didn't wait for Bill to call him.
He actually went out to Bill and carried a simple little program of action. And Bill by seeing him, it was quite quite self-evident to Bill that he was like, "Oh my gosh, there's something different about him." He's not keeping himself sober. Cuz it's not like he's like white knuckling it, guys.
Don't white knuckle it. This isn't about white knuckling it. This isn't about keeping ourselves sober.
This is about getting tapped into this power so this power can do it for us. You don't have to understand that at this point. There's a step two question in here and it's pretty simple.
On page 47 it says we needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe or circle or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself? As soon as a man can say that he does believe or circle it, highlight it, box it in, is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.
Exclamation point. Exclamation point. exclamation point.
How cool is that? You mean I don't have to have God figured out? You mean I don't have to know anything?
No. Because if you go over to page 55, it says we're fooling ourselves cuz really deep down in every one of us is the fundamental idea of God. I love what my sponsor says and he always says um God's kind of sense of humor is funny.
He puts himself um in the last place that we'll look in us, right? We're always searching. Have you ever heard this?
Like, I'm looking for God. I went to the mountaintops looking for God. I went to the seas looking for God.
I went to the sweat lodge looking for God. Right? And he's kind of funny cuz he's inside of us.
Each and every one of us. Go down here a little bit. Where's my time?
10:02. I'm good. Says, "We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup just as we as much as a feeling we have for a friend." Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, right?
So, there's a little bit of searching. That's the action word, by the way. But he was there.
He was as much a fact as we were. We found the great reality deep down within us. In the last analysis, I love that.
in the last analysis, meaning the last place you're going to look. It is only there that he may be found. It was so with us.
Here's the deal, guys. That's our experience. That's their experience.
It may not be everyone's experience. I am not saying that AA has a monopoly on God. It doesn't.
But the deal is, if you've exhausted all other measures, if you've exhausted everything else at your human disposal, and it didn't help get you sober, we have a way out, which we absolutely agree upon. Not my words, my experience. We can only clear the ground a bit if our testimony helps sweep away prejudice.
See, like when Ebie came to Bill, right? His test his testimony helped him sweep AWAY PREJUDICE. HOW LONG?
FOR A MINUTE. For a hot minute. He's like, "Okay, okay.
I think there might be a God." BUT RIGHT BY EBIE COMING TO BILL, BILL CAME TO believe just enough to make a beginning. Just enough to make a approach. HE DIDN'T SAY, "HALLELUJAH.
THAT'S IT. I GOT IT. I'm good.
I'm so right." THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAID. He made an approach. But what happened without the action behind that approach?
What's going to happen? We're going to go back and and and go back to our old thinking and our old ways and and rely on our old drunkenness again. It says enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself.
Then if you wish, you can join us on the broad highway. With this attitude, you cannot fail. With this attitude, you cannot fail.
Takes the right attitude. But I'm going to tell you, in spite of you, in spite of me, right, I still got it. I still worked it.
The question was, do you now believe or are you even willing to believe that there's a power greater than you? That's it. That's all I needed to make an approach, to make it a beginning.
And see, I found somebody that was actually sober and happy and not talking sideways. I found somebody sitting across the table from me that absolutely understood what was wrong with them and understood what the solution was. And by that, I was able to go, well, scratching my head going, I'm not quite sure.
I still think I'm smarter than you. I really don't think this is gonna work because I've done all that. But had I really see when I came in, I thought I don't need step two and three.
I've got God. And it's And I love how my friend Chris Ramer told me one time, he said, Julie, some of us come in here spiritual. Absolutely.
But we're not connected. We're not awake. I can get down with that, right?
Because if you go up on that page just a little bit where it says it may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things in some form or other. It is there. See, we may be spiritual, but the problem is it's usually obscured by worship of other things.
The car, the job, the this, the that, right? And and if I put place all that stuff and my dependence on that then really am I relying on God? No.
See my prayers would be waking up in the morning saying, "Hey God, here's the plan. Bless it." That is not a joke. We laugh.
We laugh. And it's not a joke. I really thought I was that great.
I did. I thought I was I had it all figured out. Like I'm so smart.
you should listen to me and we're going to get a little bit into that when after we take a break and come back. So, let's go take a break and then we'll come on back. So, now we're going to get into step three.
We've kind of rolled off of step one and step step two and and the cool thing that with the thing that we need to remember is that we're trying to get sober for good and all. We're not trying to get sober for a minute. And so I had an experience recently where um and and you guys can't be afraid to to say, "You know what?
I'm not sure you're really getting this. Why don't you go home and and think about it before we get on with that third step?" I worked with a girl recently and and you know, she got that physical piece. She understood that every time she she drank, she got drunk and she so got down with that.
But when I started talking about the mental piece, she was like, "No, I think I can control it." And that's what she said. I I think I can control it. And so there was no point in moving on with the rest of the steps because if I move on with the rest of the steps, then I'm denying her the chance of her finding her own truth.
She's got to see her own truth. I can't make her see her own truth. Does that make sense?
Cuz it's kind of like if I don't see my own truth, I'm going to look at the rest of the steps and I'm going to go, "Oh my gosh, that's good for her." or him they need that I don't have to do that or that's where we start really binging and binging and bing later on and we relapse and we wonder why we fell. So I told her to leave and and go try that controlled drinking or go try to control it on your own or just don't do it. It's clearly a problem.
Just don't just go home and don't do it. Two weeks later I get a phone call. Get a phone call.
2 weeks later. I can't do this on my own. She's sober today.
>> Yeah. I mean, that's the coolest thing. She had never been introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous ever.
This is her first time in AA. How cool is that? That she gets a true experience in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm I'm digging it. I'm digging it. All right.
Um, so I I I I go to I go to this little windup joint in Dallas and and uh we call them windup joints because that's where you wind up. Um, but I used to go there every Wednesday night and every Wednesday morning. We do the we would do the IOP Wednesday morning.
We would do the the inpatient on Wednesday night for the women. And the IOP was a mixed group. And and I have to tell you the coolest thing looking out in this room is how many women are in this room.
I I can't tell you it bring it it makes me cry because it's not the norm. It's just not. And and I'm not saying it's not hard for men to get sober and bless you men that are here.
I love you guys. Um but what we find a lot of times is that the woman gets home and they want they need to what? Get take care of the kid, take care of the husband, take care of this, take care of that.
We're the caretakers. That's just our That's just who we are. And all of a sudden, the big book, the book, the program, the the what we've been taught is pushed aside and we start thinking we need to what?
Do get dot dot dot and then we find we relapse. And so what I would see is I would see these 25 women inatient and when I would do outpatient, I would see one, two women. And so I'm like, where are you guys?
Where are you guys? So, thank you for being here. Besides the fact that all of y'all are so freaking beautiful.
>> California. >> California. Looking good.
I love the California time, too. I like to roll into that. All right.
On page 60, let's get into this. On page 60, it says, um, being convinced we're at step three. All right.
So, what are we convinced of? If you go right back up, it says A, that we're alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. B, that no human power can relieve our alcoholism and that God could and would if he were sought.
Here's the deal. Are you screwed? And do you have a little hope?
I mean, that's the question. Do are you convinced of step one? And do you believe that this might work for you?
being convinced of that. But you have to be convinced before I'm going to move on. See, here's my question to you.
If I'm working with you, are you done? >> Are you done? Are you done for good?
Cuz if you're not, I'm not wasting my time and I'm not wasting your time. See, if you have a better plan and if you're convinced that you can do this another way, adios. There's the door.
See you. I don't mind saying it because I want you sober and I want you on the firing line with me because I want more women out here doing this. The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.
So here's the deal here. Everybody's like gets on step three and they're like I'm I'm on step three. I'm figuring God out.
Didn't say figure God out. That's not what it says. Here's your requirements.
Are you convinced that your life run on your own self-will is not successful. Yes. All right.
There you go. Be convinced of that. Right.
So, we have a few little requirements here. And then it's going to lay out a perfect example of what that looks like. Right?
Like everybody wants to be the actor, the director, the the setting up this, setting up that. HEY, LISTEN. THAT'S EVERYBODY IN this world, not just you.
You don't get that character. See, my husband is great. My husband is I love my husband to death.
Y'all know how much I love him. But when it comes to him driving, I look out the window and say, "Today, today I look out the window most of the time. Let's get honest.
I most of sometimes I'd tell him how to drive, but um I look out the window and say, "Thy will not mine be done." Because what he does is he sits there and he's like, "Oh, that person cut me off." AND OH, RIGHT. RIGHT. He's like trying to tell everybody else how they should be driving while he's doing the same thing.
Right. He can do that. See, everybody in this world lives by self-propulsion.
Everybody wants their way to some extent and thinks that they have a good idea of what it should look like. Everybody wants to manage and control things, right? And so I you get to the next page there, we're going to start talking about the alcoholic.
All right. He says, "Selfish self-centerness that oh, I love that exclamation point that we think is the root of our troubles." meaning the alcoholic driven by a hunter forms of fear, self-d delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate or in my case they go away.
Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we find that at sometime in our past we made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. Now, the first time I read that, I thought, um, you can take that page out. Just mark it out cuz that's not me.
I'm a giver. I give give. I'm so sweet and kind, right?
So delusional. But let's let's look at this because it's as simple as this. And I love when I when I go to the treatment centers, I love to give this um example.
Let's say I'm sitting in a meeting, right? I'm sitting in a meeting and let's say Audrey looks at me and I I don't like the way she looks at me. Like she just h So now my mind is starting to turn starting to turn starting to turn.
And then and then I start replaying every conversation that we've had in the past 3 months. I can't come up with anything that I've done cuz it's always I'm going to do something. And so what do I think?
That That's really what I think. Is what I think. So what am I going to do?
I'm gonna leave there and I'm going to call Kimberly. I'm going to call my friend Kimberly. I'm going to Oh my god, Kimberly.
You won't believe what Audrey did. And Kimberly is so sweet and she loves us and she wants us to be good and she's the fixer of the group. So, she's going to call Audrey and she's going to say, "Audrey, why why are you mad at Julie?" Cuz Julie's awesome.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And Audrey's going to say, "What?" Now, driven by when I'm sitting in that meeting, what was I driven by? Fear. Fear.
She doesn't like me. Self-seeking. I need her to like me to be okay.
Right? Self-d delusion. She's not thinking about me.
The world does not revolve around me. Although I think it does. >> I wasn't even looking at you.
You >> probably weren't. >> So I stepped on her toes. What do they do in my life?
They quit calling. I don't retaliate. They just quit calling.
Right? But who set the ball rolling? I made decisions based on fear, self-d delusion, self-seeking, self-pity.
Does that make sense? It can be that simple. But see, that's how we manage and control things in our life.
That's the self-will that we're going to later see that blocks us off from sunlight of the spirit. That's the stuff we need to get around. But let me tell you, at step three, I didn't see this.
I didn't understand it. So, it's not about understanding and figuring it out before we move on. It's about moving on so that we can look back and go, "Oh, Oh, yeah.
What I have to be convinced of is my life run on my self-will is not successful. It goes on to say, "Quit playing God." Why? It doesn't work.
If it's working for you, keep doing it. If it's not, we think we have a better way. On page 63 it says um he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well.
If you are sponsored by me you will hear that thousands and thousands of time because that is your job description forever and ever and ever. What is your job? Keep close to him.
Perform his work well. What does that look like today? I don't know.
Right? but keep close to him. Perform his work.
Well, the simplicity of this program blows me away. It's that simple. We like to get in here and and and muck it up, but it's so beautifully simple.
We have this beautiful prayer that we get to say once we're ready. Once we're ready to take the step, move on. Listen, I'm not saying this thirdstep decision isn't a vital one.
The book says it is. It's vital. It's lifesaving.
It's serious. It's a commitment. It's a commitment to say, you know what?
Am I ready to do this? Am I ready? Because I better make sure I am.
Have am I convinced of my truth in step one? And I am am I am I believing that there's a a a higher power that's going to restore me to sanity? Because I don't know about you guys, I'm thinking that drink is good at this point, right?
I'm still thinking just because I come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and sit in a chair and write my name on a chair doesn't keep me sober. I tried that. Don't do it.
I wrote my name on a chair in Alcoholics Anonymous. Seriously, they still have it. I ran into a guy.
He's like, "We we kept it in a closet. Didn't work." Right. It's kind of like meeting makers make it.
No, they don't. No, they don't. We come in here and I don't know about y'all.
Have y'all heard that whole um that that for those of you who've been around for a long, you hear that one, two, three out, one, two, three, shuffle, one, two, three, shuffle. And this is why because we make this decision, then we don't follow it up. And that's the commitment.
We've got to make the commitment of the step three. Get down on our hands and knees and say this beautiful prayer and then follow it up with action afterwards. The reason most people don't make that commitment to follow it up with action afterwards is probably because they're not convinced in step one.
So, if they're not convinced of step one, please don't make them do their third step. It's not worth it to them. It says um the wording was of course quite optional so long as we express the idea of voicing it without reservation.
So, there's some stipulations here, right? It was we got to make it honest and humble. And if we do an effect sometimes, not every time, don't expect a great woohoo when you get up off your knees.
Don't expect it. Sometimes an effect, a very great one was felt at once. You know, you hear all these, I had a burning bush experience in my step three.
Um, and then you hear some people say, I didn't. I did. I did.
Um, and my burning bush, I did not see fire. I did not see flames. I had a sense of, "Oh my god, I know nothing.
I know nothing about God. I know nothing about these steps. I know nothing about aa.
I've been around here for 13 years. What has happened to me? I think this might work." Maybe.
I don't know. Maybe. Not sure.
Not sure. Right. Still doubting.
Doubting. CUZ I'VE LIVED WITH ALCOHOL FOR 22 years. I've drank for 22 years.
That's all I know. How can you dare take that away from me? And you're telling me that I'm going to say a stupid little prayer, get off my knees, and write some inventory, and I'm going to stay sober.
That's a thing. But it's the facts. It's the experience that we have had.
It's the experience that they have had. If we do this work as outlined in this book, if we make the commitment, if we do it honestly, if we do it humbly, in effect, sometimes a great one was felt at once. It does not say you will enter a pink cloud.
It doesn't SAY THAT. SO SHUT UP ABOUT THE PINK CLOUD. My biggest pet peeve in Alcoholics Anonymous is that people sit around and talk about this stupid pink cloud.
I'm not kid. I I was that newcomer all the time. And we start looking better and we start feeling better and we start smelling better and we start GETTING A LITTLE POKEY POKEY AGAIN.
AND I'D say it cuz I like it. And we start thinking, "OH MY GOSH, ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD. I was making two hard turns of THAT DRINKING THING.
I'M ALL RIGHT." eat and we go back and we drink again because we don't move on with the rest of the steps because nobody's standing there in my face saying you better get off your knees and get the pen to the paper because what this book SAYS IS THE EFFECT will be permanent but right let's next we launch out on a course of vigorous action and first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us had never attempted I tried to but They told me I did it wrong. Though our decision meeting that third step decision was a vital life-saving and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. I got an effect from that third step.
Let me tell you, 7 and 1/2 years later, I still have an effect from that third step. Today, I get just as giddy when I read these words. I get just as excited when I read these words.
I I can't believe that getting on my knees and working some steps has kept me sober, but following this program of action has kept me sober when I tried everything else that was at my disposal. How cool is that? And it didn't say you have to know God and understand God.
It doesn't say that. >> >> It says, "Say this prayer. Say it humbly, humbly.
Say it honestly, and then follow it up with some action." That's what it's all about. We'll um we'll roll into some inventory and take a look at what this is going to look like. Now, if if the third step is is a decision, it's based on some information.
If step one is the problem, step two is the solution, step three is a is a moment of contemplation about what to do about that. If if self manifested in various ways is what really defeated me, I'm only catching a glimpse of it in the third step. like Julie was talking about.
Um, when I look at the actor running the show and I'm and I'm looking at this stuff, I can get with pieces of it, but I'm about to see it live and living color come full force in inventory. And that's the point that what what Bill's setting us up for is to see that problems are of my own making cuz I've been a long time talking about problems that you made for me, at me, around me, about me, right? And what I'm about to what I'm about to embark upon um is seeing the truth for the very very very first time.
You know, um earlier on it talks about um I may have admitted certain faults, but I'm certain that you're more to blame. Certain of it, convinced of it, you know, and I I live in this delusional world of alcoholism where everything is distorted, out of proportion, doesn't make sense. And the only way to make sense about it is to say that it's it's out there.
And what I can get down with in looking at the third step in rolling into inventory is that if the problem is me and the problem is internal, then it can change. If the problem remains you, then it's time to get a bottle cuz cuz it's not going to be any different. So, what we're looking at um back on 64 is what's been blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit.
This is the whole driving point of inventory is getting down to symptoms, causes, conditions. Um this is what we're looking for. So it goes into taking a commercial inventory, it's going to give us an example.
Taking a commercial inventory is factf finding, fact-facing process, right? So when it says searching and fearless, this is what we mean. Factf finding is searching.
Fact facing is fearless. Right? Inherently, we know some things deep down in our gut, but we're afraid to look at them.
And if we look at them, it means by God, we might have to accept some responsibility. Which is why nobody in this room prior to getting sober ever took personal inventory. You will never convince me that you did it.
You might have pseudo done it, but you didn't do it. Because if I can stop short and make it about you, why would I press on? I wouldn't.
I wouldn't. Right? It's an effort to to discover the truth, which is the was the piece talking about moral inventory, which means truth about the stock in trade.
I'm going to disclose damaged or unsailable goods. Get rid of them promptly and without regret. Remember that.
Julie's going to talk in depth about that with six and seven. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. What they're what they're referring to is delusions.
I believe that some of the things in my life have served me and I'd like to hold on to them. The problem is they're killing me and everybody around me and I can't see it. And that's the sponsor's job to get in and look at it and sift through and tease out the truth and show you the facts because I don't know about you guys, but I've I've I've lived a world based on emotion.
Anybody get with that? If I feel it, it it therefore it is. I don't like you.
Therefore, you're a bad person. Well, not necessarily. I've got my little sensitive feelings hurt.
There's been some sort of an exchange, and the truth has not been revealed yet until I slide down to fourth column. Right? So, God can't get in when I'm blocked out by resentments, my fears, and my sex conduct.
So, we're going to take an overhauling and look at what am what is it that's causing so much resentment within my spirit? The heaviness, the darkness, the drudgery. What does that look like?
And a lot of times people say, "Well, I'm not really an angry person." I feel you. I don't have enough energy to be angry. By God, I'm bitter.
There's something that's grinding on me. There's something that's irritating me. Um Chris gives this great example.
If the person that you are to write down in the first column, if you're having dinner with your significant other and this person walks into the restaurant, are you uncomfortable? Right? Their name goes on the list.
I don't have to hate you. I don't have to plot your demise. I have some of you.
But right, are you uncomfortable? That's a great way to look at it if you're wondering what that might look like. So it talks about self being manifested in various ways defeating it.
We're going to consider it's common manifestation because here's the truth. Inventory is all the same. Everybody's inventory.
There'll be different names, different scenarios, but what that those are called manifestations of self. So every if you're wondering, well, I don't have the same experiences. How will I be able to see this person's truth?
How will this person be able to see my truth? Easily just like that. Cuz all you're talking about is manifestations.
Resentment is the number one offender. Isn't that the truth? It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
From it stem all forms of spiritual disease. For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we've been spiritually sick. When the spiritual maladies overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
They begin to introduce this peace, this malady, this sickness that's kind of all over us and begin to look at what that looks like. So it says is they give you just the most simplistic directions. And here's the truth, guys.
There's about 30,000 formats floating around about inventory. So not interested in which one of them you use. Doesn't matter to me.
I need I need to see that you can get down to the facts. You want to use check boxes, check on. You want to write it out right away.
You want to use notebook paper, cool. You want to do a print out? Fine.
Do not get into a debate and get divisive about that kind of nonsense. It drives the newcomer into a state of confusion. Don't do that.
Don't do that. So, it says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. So, I'm going to get down and look at it.
I'm going to list people, institutions, and principles. So, this is all you're looking at in in first column. Don't overwhelm yourself.
Don't work across the board trying to get them all set out. Just walk just work first column people. Who who are the names?
And you guys know this stuff. Some people think, "I just can't remember." Really? Who are you on the bar stool talking about, right?
Who you been in the garage drinking at? You know who these people are? You've been ruminating for years cuz God knows we don't let anything go, right?
These people, these principles. What are the principles? What are principles of life that that you don't care for?
Maybe it's ten commandments. Maybe it's women should be seen and not heard, right? Maybe it's men should should treat people like this.
You don't care. What is it that's grinding on you? Places, institutions, the police department.
Have they wronged you in your eyes? The the legal system, you know, not been fair to you, >> right? Never fair.
What are those institutions? CPS got your kids you thought, you know, they just did you wrong. Get it out.
Get it down on paper. You want to put specific names, have at it. I I like to group them.
You know, I I put Corinth Police Department. There's only one person I'm really upset with. The whole all of you on there.
You know, that's fine. Get down to it and see what it really looks like. You've been told it's not okay to be gay.
Put that on there. That rubbing you the wrong way doesn't sit right. Write it down.
You cannot be afraid of what that person's going to think. >> All right. I cannot care what Julie thinks about what I put on inventory.
Life can't afford it. Absolutely can't. Get clear on first column cuz this will drive you.
Then slide on over to that second column. What are the causes? And and Bill's great.
He's got it laid out on 65 on what his look like. And we're going we're going to take his inventory here in a bit. That's the easiest thing in the world to see.
So I asked myself, why am I angry? So the second column is going to look like a cause. What is it that you've done or has happened to me as a direct result of your behavior?
So in my and then it's going to say in most cases it was found our self-esteem, pocketbooks, ambitions, personal relationships including sex were hurt or threatened. We were sore. We were burned up.
Ain't that indicative of everyone in this room burned up? Eat up with with resentment. So just as just as simplistic as as Bill's done it on 65 on the cause.
I mean look at how how simplistic this is. His attention to my wife. I'm telling you what, you pay attention to my man, we're going to get det I'm writing.
I'm writing. He could have gone into novels about this. And he didn't.
Why? Because the details are not important. >> They're really not.
If your sponsor needs to hear more detail to get a clear depiction of what's going on, they'll ask. They will. But see, I get lost in in column two because that's where I've always stopped in my prior to getting sober, sitting on a bar stool talking about column one and two and possibly how it affected me cuz I'm a martyr by nature, right?
But I get stuck in column two. Don't do that. It's not necessary.
His attention to my wife told my wife about my mistress. He gossiped about me. Got me in trouble at home and now he's trying to get my job at the office.
He could have written huge hu and you guys will run into people that have do that. They'll bring you files. I've got I've got 832 pages of of inventory.
I'm sure as hell I'm not going to listen to that. I don't have time and it's not important. What we need to drive down is to to the fourth column.
I can't get hung up with you on you wanting to to do therapy with me. It's not not what we're doing. So it says on our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries.
Was it our self-esteem, security, ambition, personal or sex relations which have been interfered with? What part of self have you interfered with so that I'm not happy with you? Cuz if you don't threaten one of my God-given instincts, I don't know you're on the planet.
I don't even notice you cuz that's how self-involved I was. Right? You start threatening my money, the relationship, the way others perceive me, you embarrass me, do any any of these things that threaten sex relations, security, who you know what I need to be okay, self-esteem, how I feel about me, you start stepping on those toes and I will remember you till the day I die is etched in stone.
You know what you did and the inflection and tone in your voice when you said it. I mean, we are just we are just like that. It's too funny.
So, I'm looking at column one, column two, and column three. Now, I'm somebody that went ahead and wrote out my the fourth column. I could see in some ways, in limited ways, where I had been selfish, dishonest, self-seek.
I could see some of that just like I could see some of the actor running the show. But it wasn't until I got across the table from another woman who was emotionally detached from my drama and my nonsense to be able to really clearly see it. And then when I begin to do inventory, the fear begins to set in of well at some point I'll be listening to inventory and what if I don't see it?
>> Let me let me pose this question to you. Have you ever been at work and had um a coworker begin to tell a story about how they were wronged and you're sitting there thinking, "Well, I can get with that, but you totally set that in motion. You made some bad decisions way back there and kind of caused this stuff to manifest.
So, that's really kind of on you, right? It's super easy to see it in other people, but when you're in it, you're like in it to win it, right? You're like, "No, you don't understand the detail and the, you know, she said this and hold on, I got another detail over here." It's like, "Nobody cares, right?" No, >> no, Julie doesn't.
For sure. For sure. I got asked this question more often than not.
Audrey, what are the facts? I said, I I told you I think that he feels because of what I think. But this like silliness, right?
I I'm a master at that. I think I know what you think about me. And then I proceed to make decisions based upon that.
That's a recipe for disaster. Recipe for disaster. Bunch of mind readers says we went back through our lives.
Nothing counted but thoroughess and honesty. Now I'm I'm a huge proponent of that. Thoroughess and honesty doesn't mean I take 6 months to write inventory.
What it means is I got honest about the truth. I started from now. What's eating your lunch today?
I I'm not gonna think about the boy who didn't, you know, ask me to dance at the third grade little square dance. That's not that's not what's eating me right now current. It was a relationship.
It was the stuff my family and I have been through together. It was some financial stuff. It was the men in my life that had harmed.
It was that stuff. And then I can go back through back through my life. But if I get hung up on trying to remember all that stuff from square one, it becomes overwhelming.
It becomes daunting. And this is where people throw up their hands and go, "No, never mind. It doesn't have to be that difficult." >> Yeah.
And let's get real clear. If you can't get thorough and honest on a piece of paper, welcome to rarely. >> Exactly.
Exactly. You'll have trouble downstream. And this is where people think that they don't have to write things down um and begin to justify why they don't matter.
And and you'll see people get loaded downstream and go, "But I I work the steps." Yeah, but were you honest? How many times does it have to say back here in 58 three times in the first paragraph to be honest? Right?
If I still care what people think about me, I'm not ready to get sober. >> That's the truth. That's the truth.
It talks about being fearless and thorough from the very start. It talks about next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. There denotes a real sense of urgency.
And if you get caught up on how you feel, you're you're headed for a world of hurt. You just are. You just are.
Sobriety is not difficult. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.
I'm gonna have to talk about, examine, get willing to do a bunch of stuff I've never been willing to do before. So, okay. Welcome to the process.
If it was easy, everybody in the world would be sober, >> right? But it it denotes me doing some things that I'm not not too keen on doing. So, it says on 66 says to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.
Isn't that the truth? The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves.
Anybody been there? >> I should have. I wish I had.
Next time I'm going to. And you replay that over and over and you hate yourself because you couldn't be true. Couldn't be true to you.
Says, "But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got." That's a every time statement. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were shortlived.
Right? Because the delusion is if I can do it my way, I'll be happy. And you got to ask yourself that question.
Did you come to Alcoholics Anonymous to get your way or to get something different, >> right? I've spent a lifetime sitting there thinking about how it should have gone and what y'all should have done and how it should have gone down. World of delusion.
So that this elusive fourth column nobody seems to talk about is on page 67. Couple paragraphs down, it says, "Refering to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes." Brand new concept. Own mistakes.
I'm so not concerned with column one and column two. I'm really not. You could replace those with anybody's name, anybody's scenario.
If you want to get free, you better look at you because the more time you spend looking at other people, the more unhappy you will become. You can take that principle on down the road because it will hold true. So it says, "Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?" See, this is the nature of the defect.
This is where we're all the same. Julie's selfishness shows up and manifests very differently than mine. It does.
See, Julie will run over you trying to make it work, trying to pile drive through life. I know better. I go behind the scenes quietly as I smile and get deceitful and fix whatever it is that I don't like and then go, "Huh?" Right?
That's what that and manifest very differently. But it's the same defect, selfish. We think we know >> what you need to be doing.
How arrogant of me, >> but it will show up differently. But this is the good news is that it's all the same. It just might it just might appear a little bit different.
So, we're looking for selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened. So, if you've got somebody writing it out on notebook paper, that's all they're writing. Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened.
Then, they're going to write the ways according to that resentment as they work across the page. How are they selfish? How are they dishonest?
And and remember that dishonesty includes delusion more often than not, right? Self-seeking. How was it all about me?
>> Cuz isn't it always all about me? Frightened. What you'll find is that at the base of every resentment is a is a core fear.
It is the driving force of all of your actions. And and I've never ever known that to not be true. Now, here comes the here comes the rub.
Sometimes it's like, well, man, that was a bad situation that happened to them. I mean, how can they even have a part in that? Let me show you where it is.
Slide back over to 66. first full paragraph down one line in it says the um to the precise extent that we permit these meaning these resentments this unhappiness do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile there you go there you go is it your fault that you were touched inappropriately at 3 years old did you bring that on no you didn't play a part in that as an adult now that you're 47 and getting sober and have been unable to let it go your entire life whose fault is that you think you can have a new experience with a human being as you're carrying around the sickness from your past and justifying and why you get to drink. That's the part.
See what I mean? There's always a part. What are you doing with it?
Are you a molestation victim or are you a survivor? Those are very different things. Are you using it to help other men and women who have have had similar experiences and have pain and bring them somewhere different and cool?
Or are you still w way I got touched at three. Wow. Right.
Welcome to some truth in your life. And that is hard to see. It's hard to see.
And I tell you what, it's even harder to say sometimes. But if you love somebody and like you love another alcoholic, you'll tell them the truth even if it's uncomfortable. Was it your fault you got raped?
No. But what are you doing with it? Right?
This is what we're talking about. So back to 67. Back to this paragraph.
It's as though a situation had not been entirely our fault. We tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame?
The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white.
We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. Right? So I if I'm going to get somewhere different, it stands to reason I've got to know where I am.
I got to I have a have to have a clear depiction of where I am. And in the fourth step, where I am is bound by self. I made a decision in three to ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self.
But in four, I'm getting to see what bondage looks like. See, I'm I'm bound my by my defects. I am bound by selfishness.
I am bound by delusion. I am bound by my martyrdom, my victim mentality. And I tell you what, guys, if you walk out of a fist still a victim, you are in so much trouble.
Victims do not get sober. They don't. And they damn sure don't stay sober.
Don't see. I've got to be free. If I If it's still out here, then I'm still bound.
If it can be in here, it can be changed. And I've got to be able to have that mentality to walk in. So, step four is kind of like a um Cliff calls it a diagnostic step, right?
We're diagnosing what the problem really is. So, as I I've written an inventory, as as Julie's listening to it, she's making a list of character defects that are are are spot on that are keeping me in bondage of self so that when I walk into six and seven, which she's going to talk about later, I got a clear idea of what I'm working with. God already knows what he's working with, but I got to get eyeballs on what I'm working with so that I can clearly give to God what what's been shown.
So, it gets real important not to do a fistep with just a buddy. Somebody who's going to go, "Oh, I hear you. All right, move on." You know, bless your heart, darling.
I had a drink, too, if I had that kind of life. You know, you want to you the the book is crystal clear that if you want to um if you want to do some inventory work with with um a clergy person, if you want to do it with a pastor, if you want to do it with somebody of that nature, rock on. That's cool.
But understand that's not what we're looking at. You need to go to confession. Alcoholics Anonymous so honors that.
Awesome. Go do what you need to do. But get with a drunk to see the truth because this will not be about what do I need to be doing to forgiveness.
You've already been forgiven by God. And it we'll talk more about that in the ninstep step. You've already been forgiven.
What we're looking at is what is blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. How many times have you gotten on your knees and said, "God, please just help me stop drinking." And you said it with utter sincerity only to get off your knees and find yourself loaded in short order. What happened?
Were you not really sincere? No. Of course you were.
But you had too much stuff blocking you. >> Right. So, I've got to get down to causes and conditions.
Um, you know, I love Joe and Charlie that break down fourstep inventory and they talk about um it being like a football replay. You know, those situations, those scenarios that you're writing about in the first couple columns, when you begin to replay those, cuz that's what resentment means, to replay it and then to essentially refill it. Every time I replay that conversation I have with that woman 15 years ago, I replay it, I refill it, and the matter I become, and the more she comes off looking like a jerk, and I come off looking like a victim.
So, it's kind of like a football replay where the first time you see it, you're like, "Ooh, that was a pretty hard hit. They got the quarterback and they hit him pretty hard. That was bad." Then what are they going to do?
They're going to slow it down and replay it. And as you see him flip up in the air, you're like, "Now that didn't that kind of look like you need a penalty on that or looks crazy." And as he hits the ground, you're like, "Now that is wrong. That is wrong." They're going to replay it about four times by the fourth time.
You're mad. You don't even care about the teams that are in it, but you're mad. And that's what that stuff does when I selfishly sit and ruminate over and over and over and the inflection and tone in your voice change and you get meaner and meaner every time you got on to me or whatever it was that was said.
That's the obsession of my mind at this point is that I've got to be right and you've got to be wrong. Wow. I remember in sitting in treatment I had this old I call him old man Dan.
He was about a hundred and we would sit in this place called the butt huts and smoke cigarettes. I never went to gym. I hardly went to class.
He would sit out there and teach me big book. And he used to ask me, "Kid, do you want to be right or do you want to be at peace?" And I was like, "Well, I want to be both." You know, don't we all? >> Don't we all?
Welcome to being a a grownup. Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? You have the ability to look at something for what it is and go, you know what?
Can't change any of that. But where I was at fault was I set the ball rolling by the comments that I made and the decision I made that I knew was best for everybody. And so this is essentially my part and I can do something with that and let the rest of it go.
Right? But I I don't know about y'all, but I've decided to let stuff go in the past only to 45 minutes find myself later irritated with you again. I don't know how to let that kind of stuff go.
And so this is the process of inventory is going to drive me into seeing what the truth is. And after I can see what the truth is back on 67 where it says we placed them before us in black and white. It's real hard to argue with the paper, right?
With the list. I mean, I'm looking at a list of character defects that I am not thrilled to have. But I can't argue with the paper because it's dead on.
It's based upon the facts. So it says we admitted them honestly and we're willing to set these matters straight. The question then becomes, do you like what you see?
Are you willing to go to any lengths to change that? Cuz I'm a lot like Julie in the fact that I I thought I was a giver. I've been told by my mother since I was tiny that I was precious.
She always said, "You the precious thing God ever made." God, you know, I believed that. And when I got into AA and they said, "Pros are your own making." I went, "Excuse me, PRECIOUS." YOU KNOW, maybe you didn't hear the first three columns, right? But I had to get driven into a point.
See, what happens is we we come into a fistep prepared to sort of pseudo plead our case, right? Cuz we've been doing it in the bars for a number of years. Guess what she did?
Guess what he said, right? And a strong sponsor 10 times out of 10 will spin the tables on you and show you, "I hear you, darling, but here's the truth." Oh, it's like a gut in the, you know, knife in the belly. But if that's the most freeing thing that will ever happen to you.
I remember walking out of his fist and going, "Oh, be damned. It's my fault." How cool is that? How cool is that?
Kind of takes the defensive component right on out of it. So, we look at this this resentment inventory and then we're going to move on to the fear inventory. There's a couple, you know, there's lots of different ways to to write fear inventory.
Or you can do it in columns, you can do it in par, whatever. What what I've got to see is the same thing. So down on 67, it says the short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives.
If you can't trace a resentment to fear, you hadn't worked because it's a driving force every single time. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through it.
It's kind of like um you ever seen like a a knit sport coat, right? And there's so many tiny little intricate colors. You can't even tell what color is what because it's so woven.
That's what fear is. It gets in your cells, in your tissue. It it's at the core of every single thing.
It's just woven. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. Right?
This is crosses lines with resentment and with fear. What happens? Why resentment is the number one offender is it turns to self-pity like that.
Then I wear it like a cloak of dignity. Right? Oh, have you been through this?
No. Step to the side. I get to act however I want to.
I get to get loaded. I get to dot dot dot. Right.
That's the problem with this stuff in terms of self-pity. But did we not ourselves set the ball rolling? Absolutely.
You got to think about it like this. I I I create fear out of my selfish way of living. Fear is always driven by a selfish motive.
I want what I want. Myers always says, "That's the battlecry of every drunk I've ever known." Smartest thing I ever heard. I want what I want and I'm afraid I'm not going to get it or you're going to get it first or you're going to take it from me.
But I'm all about me out of my selfish mode of living. That modality drives me into fear which places me in a position of what? To panic and then begin to think of who's my thinkers in here?
Anybody? Thinkers, plotters, planners, right? Oh god, it just ooh it places me in a position of self-reliance and then I begin to concoct plans and set things in motion.
Then when it backfires, I want to spin around and go, "Hey, point the finger at you." Well, who set it all in motion? Oh, me. Because I panicked.
I didn't think I was going to get what I wanted. So, I did what? I was dishonest, deceitful, manipulative, self-serving, inconsiderate of you and what was going on in your world because I got my eye on the prize.
Right? Right. So, I got to get down and look at this stuff.
It says, "Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble." Early on in sobriety, I used to read this text and think, "God almighty, they're so dramatic in the way that they write." But they're really, really not. It ought to be classed with stealing.
It seems to cause more trouble. Why? It's the driving force of every wrong decision, every bad action, every poor decision that I've ever made.
Every single one of them can be traced by back to that. So it says, "We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment and connection with them.
So I'm going to get out some paper. I'm going to list what are my fears. What is it that I'm always afraid of?" And there's tons of fears out there.
You could be afraid of just about anything. And the truth is most of us are afraid of the opposite, too. Afraid of failure, but you're afraid to succeed, too.
What would you do then? Okay. We're afraid to be alone, but you're also afraid to be in a committed relationship.
You know, it it's the funniest thing. I'm afraid of everything. A lot of times I want to act like I'm not afraid of anything, but that's just not the truth.
So, I'm going to list what fears I have. Um, and then it says we asked ourselves why we have them. So, I'm going to list the fears.
Then I'm going to ask why do I have it? If I'm afraid of being alone, why might that be? Um, it's uncomfortable.
Um, there's nobody else to rely on. I'm afraid of what people will think about me being alone. Stuff like that, right?
Wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? Everything I touch turns to crap. So, it says, "Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough.
Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other." This is Jim. When it made us cocky, it was worse. You ever watch those people that come into the room got to let you know they're in the room?
That's not about arrogance. It only appears that way. That's about absolute paralyzing fear.
>> Right? When it made us cocky, it was worse. It's real hard to watch, >> especially when you know what the driving force is.
It's like, "Oh, darling, we see you. Sit down. It's okay.
It's okay. We don't have to be the top of everything, the best of everything, the head of everything, places, people. It's about fear, not about arrogance, right?
So, I'm going to look at what is the fear? Why do I have the fear? And am I relying on me or am I relying on my creator?" I love to watch people get confused around that question.
I don't know. It's possible I'm relying on God. Really?
You sure? If you're relying on God, are you in paralyzing fear? No.
No. So, I mean, you could get real detailed with it if you wanted to. Have you been relying on you or God?
In what areas have you not been right, you can trace it on out if you want to, but the important thing is to see the truth. I'm afraid to be alone. Why?
All the reasons I listed a moment ago. Where is self-reliance fail me? I stay in relationships too long I don't need to be in or I get in relationships when I'm clear that I don't need to.
You ever had that? We all have that God-given intuition. It's just a matter of are you awake to it or not.
But have you ever had that where you go don't do that, don't do that. You've got that gripping. It's kind of like it crushes your tummy.
It makes you go don't don't don't. And you do it anyway. It's about self-reliance, right?
Self-reliance availed me nothing. kind of like self-nowledge, self anything is going to be wind up on the floor. I guarantee you.
Guarantee you. So that's about self-reliance. So once I get down and look at that, I can see that my faith, it's not that I don't have capacity for faith in something bigger.
It's that it's been misplaced and I've had it in me. Cuz isn't that what you're taught when you're little? Audrey, have a goal, have drive, have determination, set a plan, make a path, don't count on anybody else.
Get it right. And we just kind of pile drive through life, giving it 100%, bumping into everybody and everything, stepping on toes as we go, getting our little feelings hurt when things don't pan out. I love when it says, "What happens?" The show doesn't come off very well.
I wrote the word shocking above that line, right? Everything I turn to, I've got a death grip on because I'm driven by fear. It's the funniest thing to to watch these little drunks come in and they've got their talents gripped around a life of destruction that they hate and they're terrified to let it go.
Driving force of my actions. Horrible to watch. Says, "Perhaps there's a better way." And this is based on the experience of the first 100.
We think so. For we're now on a different basis. Basis of what?
Having made a third step commitment. Because that's what it is. It's a commitment.
the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We're in the world to play the role he assigns.
Isn't that a concept? So instead of steady handing out parts to all the rest of the actors and exes, get on your exes, right? Places, I'm in the world to play the role he assigns and that's it.
Me and him, no one else. This is what we're talking about. Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity?
This is what they mean by living life on God's terms, not living life on life's terms. That's a common confusion. Living life on life's terms.
We know what that looks like. That's what it look like out there in the third dimension. We're attempting to slide on over into the fourth dimension, living on spiritual basis, which is a brand new world for most of us, right?
enable us to match calamity with serenity. That's one of the biggest promises I love because it's the difference between me manhandling life and then letting or on the flip side letting life come at me connected to the power of God. Very different.
Very different. So it says down here we've got the the uh and I forgot about the resentment prayer. We'll go back and look at that.
Um down at the touch on it. >> Okay. All right.
So we're looking at the fear prayer in the next paragraph. Um it says the verdict of the ages that faith means courage. It's more like faith produces courage.
All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God.
Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. Huh? Demonstrate through us what he can do.
Here we go. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. Not for him to fix the situation to my liking.
Cuz that was my previous prayer. God, get on it. fix it.
Look at it. Pay attention, right? No.
What would you have me be? Very different. And I tell you what, we always think that's about action.
Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's sit down and hush. Don't touch it.
Don't call her. Don't get on top of that. Don't mention it.
Leave it alone. I learned that more often than not. It is a painful lesson over and over.
Sit down and hush. says at once we be we commence to outgrow fear. This is the point where I stop trying to manhandle and begin to be of maximum service.
Right? But the deal is we're all waiting to trust God and feel connected and okay before we take action cuz that's kind of how we do it in third dimension. We use logic.
We worship the God of reason. If it makes sense, do it. If we can if we can wrap our brains around it, it's a good idea.
Not so. Not so in recovery. I'm I'm not waiting to overcome fear, to take necessary action.
I take necessary action and then I begin to overcome fear. It's everything in here is backwards. It makes no sense.
And that's okay. I mean, how have we lived our whole life? Why do you need it to make sense now, right?
Put down the bottle of whiskey. Just try it. Just try it.
This is all that we're looking for. Well, I I do want to kind of talk about that resentment stuff and and and for just a second because um where where it talks about it's kind of like we all have these resentments and we think that we can wish them away and wish them away and we're not talking about even when we just come in. Let's talking about when we're 3 months down the line or 6 months or 5 years down the line and all of a sudden we're more sober and we're smarter and better and look at me.
I'm so successful in AA, right? He's like, I've arrived. Um, but we we start getting these little resentments and we think we can wish them away and we can't.
And we really need to be real clear on that. I cannot wish resentments away. So, it says that this is our course of action.
See, it says to be free to live. If we were to live, we had to be free of this anger. Cuz see, one resentment's going to cut us off from the sunlight of the spirit.
And the insanity to drink is going to return and we will drink. And for us to drink is to die. And so we have to be free of this anger.
It doesn't say you might want to think about it. It says we must be free of this. And who's going to make this possible but God.
Um and so we have a definite course to take. Now it when and and in talking about that resentment prayer, I love I love people I think get a little bit um confused um because I I I hear a lot of times well um I pray for them. I'm not and I don't really care what happens to them, right?
What I need changed is me. I have to change. My sponsor set me straight on this pretty quick.
It says, "Here's our course." Now, we realize that people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. And a lot of us, we like to stop right there, right? We like to go, "Well, they're sick.
Bless their hearts." Because we don't want to read on. It says the because my sponsor will look at he goes like you, Julie. Love you, but you're sick, too.
Right. Um and and so we realize that they're spiritually sick. Now though we do not like their symptoms like spiritual symptoms can seep out different ways.
Um you can we can be arrogant, we can be critical, we can be you know whatever it is these spiritual symptoms can and when they disturb me right if it disturbs me I don't like that. Um but then I have to go well they like ourselves are sick too. They're no different from me.
I do not get to place myself above anybody. When I do that, I become arrogant. If I think because your symptoms are sicker than mine, I'm worse than you are because then I'm in judgment.
So, it says to it says we ask God to help us. Who are we going to ask? God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
Now, sometimes this is quite difficult, especially if we've had somebody that have has really really harmed us, right? So, so, so that's why I say sometimes I don't give a rat's ass if that person lives or dies. And I'm going to be honest about that.
At least I'm honest. cuz this is what I need to do. It says when a person offended, we said to ourselves, "Hey God, this is a sick man.
How can I be helpful to him? I can be helpful by not saying a word. I can be helpful by leaving.
I can be helpful by never talking to them again if I can't be patient, kindly, and tolerant." Right? This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. See, who am I asking God to change >> me?
Am I asking God to change that guy? Absolutely not. Cuz my world should not matter if they change or not.
See, I need to get okay with whether you change or not. The deal is that if I don't change, I'm going to drink again. If my attitude doesn't change, I'm going to drink again, what what's going to cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit but one resentment, right?
So, I've got to be free of that anger. I've got to be free of it for me to live and walk free. It doesn't matter what people in this world do, say, think, or feel.
I get to walk free of that. I have a course of action to get there, though. It's not about me sitting around and going, "Um, turn it over.
I turned it over and then I took it back." Well, really, then you really didn't get on a course of action. Cuz if you get on a course of action, I guarantee you, you will be free of this. Does that make sense?
>> Um, going on to the fear. Is that good? You have anything else on that?
>> No. Um, moving on on the fear thing. I don't know about y'all, but I'm a I was always one of those friends that everybody would call me for advice, drunk or not.
Like I'm and and I always considered myself a pretty strong woman. And so when they when they said, "You need to write down your fears." And I thought that is funny cuz I am I fear nothing. I'm afraid of nothing.
or like Audrey said, I will plow through you in a minute to get what I need. I started writing my fears and I had a book of fears. And that's why I say this is just a matter of getting pen to paper and we get honest with the paper.
I mean, I I wrote down every single fear that I couldn't believe how much stuff, how many decisions, how much you played a part in every decision I made and how afraid I was of what you thought of me because it clearly showed on the paper. See, we can sit around and think all we want and be in the self-d delusion of what we think we are and who we think we are. But when we get to the paper, and that's what this fourth step is all about.
It's factf finding, factf facing to discover the truth about us. It's not to discover the drama. It's to discover the truth about.
I don't care how it got. It's kind of like a friend of mine always says, you know, it's it's like getting the the sour milk, right? you got if you're in a store and there's sour milk.
I don't care how the sour milk got sour. It's sour. How are we going to discard it and get rid of it promptly without regret?
Okay, I don't know about y'all, but that's the coolest promise right there in the beginning. We're going to discard this and get rid of it promptly and without regret. Meaning, look, when we write this stuff out, it looks ugly.
I don't know about y'all, but I'm sitting here writing, especially when she gets to the next inventory, that sex inventory, I'm like, I ouch, right? And so I'm going ie. and to tell me that in the beginning before I even start putting this to paper that I promise you I promise you and you better promise your proteges promise you as you write this I promise you you can get rid of this promptly and without regret and God will take this to a different place and let you use it see I know that when I made that third step and it's going to be followed up later I nothing in my life happened because it happened for me it happen so that I can be of service to him.
How cool is that? I think I'm good. Okay.
All right. So, back on 68 down at the bottom. We're going to roll into some sex inventory.
Um, where are we at? 11:30. So, we need 11:45 something.
Okay. All right. So, now about sex.
Many of us needed an overhauling there. Raise your hands. I'm just kidding.
Some of you just voluntarily >> me. We're going to we're going to do some sex inventory. Um but it says, "Above all, we tried to be sensible on this question." I tell you what, I've never heard so many opinions in my whole life than when we get down to some sex inventory.
Um and really what this is looking like is how am I interacting with other people and what does that really look like? That's that's the question when we're looking at this inventory. So it says it's easy to get way off track.
Here we find human opinions highlight human opinions running to extremes. Ex absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cries sex is a lust of our lower nature.
A base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex. Who bewail the institution of marriage.
Who think that most of the troubles of races race are traceable to sex causes. We don't have enough of it. It's not the right kind.
They see it significance everywhere. One school would amount would allow man no flavor for his fair and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. It's kind of like a spectrum.
There are those of us out here who believe in monogamy, marriage, heterosexual relationships. There are those of us that believe in anything goes and you will find a variation anywhere on that spectrum. It matters none.
So not interested in your beliefs. Not one bit. When I sit down to look at sex conduct inventory, because that's the word, conduct, how am I conducting myself inside of these engagements and interactions, I don't care what Julie's thoughts are on marriage.
I really don't. I need to know where are you seeing me manifesting sickness by my character defects. Where am I showing up?
That's what I need to know. I don't care if you think it's okay to be gay. I don't care if you think it's okay to to have sex before mar.
I don't care. And I'm not here to tell you all the freaky stuff I've done. I've done some freaky stuff.
Right. So is And that's it's funny. And and there's some times that that you've got some some pain around that.
You've got some shame around it and you want to admit some of that to your sponsor. Have at it. You need to get some stuff off your chest.
So cool. Go for it. Understand it's not about confession.
That's not what it is. I don't need a list of everybody you've ever slept with. I'm not impressed.
No one is. I've got to look for causes and conditions inside the confines of these interactions. And so, we're going to get down to it.
So, it says, "I'm not going to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct." That is so important. As a sponsor, you better get with that. I'm not the arbiter of your sex conduct.
I can't believe you had sex before you were married. No, not okay. We all have sex problems.
What a relief. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
So, this is where I get down to to looking at some, you know, fourth column, so to speak, in sex inventory. So, it says, "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past." I'm not here to talk to you about those men, those situations, and what they did to me. I'm here to talk to you about how I showed up and interacted within it, right?
I'm going to review my conduct over the years past. Where was I selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? So, this is kind of a repeat of the resentment inventory and what it looked like.
Where was I selfish in these relationships? Now, I've got to look at that and write that out. I don't check off.
I was selfish. Check. Dishonest.
Check. I I need to see it for what it is. So, whom had we hurt?
My first inclination is to say me. I got hurt. And maybe the the other person.
But you want to see a ripple in a pond. Get into some sex conduct inventory. who picked up the pieces when the relationship broke or when it went through all the troubled waters based on your selfishness.
Um, that other person's co-workers when they couldn't show up sufficiently at work. Your family who had to listen to it for years. Your children who were neglected because you were running into yourself, so to speak, in this relationship.
Get honest about who got hurt? I've got to know the truth. Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness?
This is not always about the act of sex. It can certainly play out in the bedroom, but it's not always about the act of sex. What part did you play trying to get your way?
Where did you cause suspicion? Are you shady around the checkbook? Are you deleting text messages so they don't go through your phone?
Where are you? Bitterness. Can you let go of anything?
Are you consistently bringing that up? Are you consistently playing the role of the victim, trying to shame people into feeling bad? Where is self-pity playing a role in your life and in your relationships?
Um, jealousy. That's about the easiest one to see. What are what have you been jealous of?
What have you caused jealousy in other people about? I know it irritates him when I spend all my time with my mother. So, I just do it to spite him.
Right? That's not about the bedroom. That's about me.
Right? This is so not about sex. It's really not.
It's about the engagement you have with another human being. Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead?
So, this is a point in which my little stage characters come in live and live in color and I get to see what I did, what I really did. Because most of us, especially all the women in this room, we've been harmed. That's the mentality that we walk into this with.
Let me tell you what they did, right? Why'd you stay? What role did that play?
How did that serve you? Wow. Oh, I got to cry about it on everybody's shoulder.
I got to be the victim. I got to elude sympathy from the people around me. If you felt sorry for me, I felt okay.
Wow. Did you Did you slaughter this other person's character in in in the meantime? Absolutely.
Every single time. What role did you play? I've got to look at it.
Says, "We got this down on paper and looked at it." So, it can be just as simplistic as this. I have women that will write out that relation. Write the name.
Write this next question. Where were you selfish? And jot it down.
Just as simple as we did in the fourth column of the resentment inventory. Were you dishonest, inconsiderate whom God got hurt? You will see more stuff pop up here, more pain up here.
And here's the deal. I've never seen anything more redundant in my whole life. All these relationships, oh, they're all very different.
No, they're not. No, they have different names and different faces, but you are the same consistently in all these relationships. The way you interact and the way that you try to get your way looks the same.
It's kind of like we're all fighting for the power. We're all fighting to be on top of it. And if I can control it, manage it, manifest what I think I need, I'll be okay.
Were you? How'd that work? Well, I've got 15 broken relationships on my inventory.
Didn't pan out very well. Didn't pan out very well. It's important to see what does that really look like?
Because here's the deal. If you want to get somewhere different, you better know where you're at. Well, I didn't handle relationships very well, but you know, God will fix that later.
No. No, get down to it. You want you want to show up differently.
See where you're at. Right. So, it says in this way, we tried to shape.
Ooh, it's fluid. Shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. See, at this point, I'm making a Santa Claus list of all the stuff that I want in a relationship.
Julie, who I hate when she does this, she marks through stuff. She's written in my book. She's marked through stuff I've written on paper.
It's super irritating. But I made like a whole list of I'm shaping sane and sound future ideals. This is what I need in a man.
And it looked like physical characteristics. It looked like he better be from the south. It I mean a whole bunch of She starts marking them off.
And I'm like, I don't think you're supposed to do that. This is what God, you know. But here's the thing.
She said, "Don't make a Santa Claus list. Wait on what God's got for you." Saying and sound ideals looks like, "What do I want to bring to a relationship?" It is better be the complete opposite of what I just saw in sex inventory. What do I need a partner to bring to a relationship?
I'm looking at characteristics. I'm looking at values. I'm looking at core belief systems.
The cool stuff. The stuff that matters, right? Not does he or she drive a BMW?
Will they tolerate my smoking? Wow. Really?
I remember one of the first first things I tried to shape. There were four things on it. That's how poorly I showed up in sex conduct is that I can only think of four things trying to shape a sane and sound.
But we neither one of us could be in a relationship cuz I'm notorious for sleeping with your boyfriend. Right? That that was one.
There had to be some sort of emotional involvement because I'm notorious also for kicking them out and nice to meet you. Right? It was so limited.
And if I confined that the word shape would have lost its value because my sane and sound ideals today are not what they were six and a half years ago. Thank God they have been molded and added to and taken from and and conformed. Right?
So I'm going to shape this. It says we subjected each relation to the test. Was it selfish or not?
Here's the first sex prayer. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. I'm not out shopping.
I'm I'm trying to be those everything I said I wanted in a partner. I'm trying to be that. I'm trying to get with some honesty.
I'm trying to roll with some integrity. I'm trying to be the the child of God I was designed to be. Do you guys get with that?
More often than not, what we see is an early sobriety, we're all looking for somebody to fix us. Don't. Not because it's a rule from the big book, but because don't rob yourself of the experience of what God can do with you first, and then let the cool stuff come at you.
It's the neatest thing to watch watch these men and women in sobriety. says, "We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised or loathed." And you're going to see that in sex inventory, that you've used your sex powers lightly and selfishly. Do you flirt just cuz you can?
>> Mhm. >> Absolutely. You bend over just a little to the left, make sure he saw it, you pick up his pen off the floor.
>> You know, I love that women always in sobriety complaining about the men are staring me down, right? But you're getting up in the middle of the meeting to go get coffee shaking your ass right by him. Really?
What do you expect? >> That's right. >> It's the truth.
And women are we're just as bad if not worse. >> Say it >> than the men. Right.
Stop complaining about that stuff cuz you're using your sex powers lightly and selfishly. >> Selfishly. I got to get down with it and look at it.
Whatever our ideals turn out to be, we must be willing to grow towards it. Which means I'm going to stumble. We're going to talk about that in a minute, too.
I'm going to fall. I made lots of mistakes. I flirted with people.
I did all kinds of nonsense. And Julie be like, "Come on back. Let's do to the book.
He's engaged. See the ring? Let's go." Right?
I didn't know what I was doing. That's what a sponsor. They kind of hoard you in and back to the book.
But she let me make a bunch of mistakes and bust my butt and run into myself to see what this text was talking about. I'm going to have these ideals and I'm going be willing to grow towards them. So it says at the bottom of that paragraph, this is your second prayer.
In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. I love this. The right answer will come circle if we want it.
Right? I'm telling you what, I've never I've never been around a bunch of people that had more, you know, God-given intuition who wanted to ignore it. You know it.
Cuz it's going against the grain every single time. I know I need to not be doing this or I know I need to jump head long in this but just I don't want to. Well then stay where you're at.
Sad. Stay where you're at. If you want it, you're about to get taken to another level.
A whole another level. But it says God alone can judge our sex situation. That's the truth.
Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. I'm telling you, I love nothing better than bounce stuff off of people. Women in the fellowship, men in the fellowship, my sponsor, my grand sponsor.
Let's talk about this stuff. Let's wrestle with these ideas. Cool.
Who's going to be the final judge? My creator. Period.
End of sentence. >> End of sentence. Cuz if you begin to make decisions based on what people tell you they think you ought to do, where will your reliance be?
Always on them. Always on them. If I'd have done every single thing that Julie ever thought I should have done, I would have had to go to her every time and say, "What do you think?
What should I do? Should I leave? Should I stay?
Should I date this one? Should I? Not her job.
Her job is to get me connected to the power of God so that God can direct me. And if I'm awake, I hear it. And if I'm willing not to go back to step one, I listen to that stuff.
So it says, um, oh, I lost my page. It says, "We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose." So we've got all these opinions. The last thing you ever want from a drunk is an opinion.
I assure you, right? I'm going to go to go to the source which is my God says we avoid hysterical thinking or advice. I can promise you this guys.
God does not come hysterically. He does those thoughts that you have that are hysterical come from you. HE'S THE ONE.
I GOT TO GET HIM RIGHT. That's you. That's not the gentle urging of your creator.
Are you flashing back? She's she's sponsored me for too long. But those those hysterical thoughts come from your peers.
They come from your family. They come from a lot of well-meaning intention people who go no no no no don't don't get with God. Follow those those nudgings.
I challenge you to. So it says support even our own those we got some hysterical thinking. Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble.
Suppose is a big old funny word in that book. You will. You'll fall short and you'll stumble because you're still human.
You're not going to walk on water cuz you got sober. Does this mean we're going to get drunk? Some people tell us so.
A lot of people will tell you so. You made a mistake. You're sick.
You're an untreated alcoholic. You're about to get drunk. Really?
Or are you human making mistakes cuz you're living life? I love for a woman to tell me, "Oh my god, Audrey, I swear I just feel like I'm making so many mistakes." Good. That means you're living.
You've been sitting alone drinking in the garage for seven years. You're you're out here stepping on toes and making mistakes. Awesome.
Awesome. Welcome to learning how to live. >> Absolutely.
>> Welcome to growing up in sobriety. Says this is only a halftruth. It depends on us and our motives.
Here's the key point. If we're sorry for what we've done and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we'll have learned our lesson. Let me get transparent with you for a moment.
In early sobriety, I was having a sexual relationship with a man who was engaged. I was. And Julie said to me, "Here, here's what the text says.
I'm concerned about you. I want to show you what the book says, and I want to talk about it." And we did. I didn't get drunk.
I was sorry for what I had done. And when I when I was convicted by the power of God, not by my sponsor, she didn't braid me. She didn't make me feel like the scum of the earth.
She didn't do that. But it was in the moments of aloneeness when I realized who I had become. I had become the woman that I judged.
Right? That came from my creator who said, "Audrey, you don't want to do that anymore." And I got up and I never did it again. And to this day, I've never done it again.
But that's not about her saying, "You better not. You better don't speak to him." No, that's about a reliance and an experience with the power of God. Don't force your proteges to act right.
Don't let them have an experience with it. And if I have needed to bust in my butt and drank over it, that's what I needed to do. But be smart enough to get out of the path of self-will.
Don't interrupt that. Don't interrupt that. That's where the experience is to be found.
Can y'all get with that? >> All right. It's hard.
It It's a beating. It's hard sometimes. >> It's a beating.
So it says if we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we're quite sure to drink. If something's brought into my awareness and I continue to choose over and over and over to do what I want to do, what the literature says is I'm quite sure to drink if I'm not willing to do something different. We're not theorizing.
These are facts out of our experiences. You know how many bodies they stepped over to get that experience? >> Tons.
Tons. So it says to sum up about sex, here's your third sex prayer. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity.
That's a good one, and for the strength to do the right thing. Nothing harder than knowing what the right thing is to do and and having a hard time doing it. What it is is like an out-of- body experience to watch yourself do the right thing.
Some of us, for the very first time, it is a powerful experience to step back and go, "Oh my god, I continued to make the right decisions even though I didn't want to." How cool is that? That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's that's what we're talking about.
It says if sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. So if relationships, sex relations, this kind dating, your marriage, if you're having problems, don't sit and fix it alone, cuz that's what we do. I don't know why we do that, but we sure do.
I'm having an issue. Let me get in the corner and think about it. I don't talk to anybody about analyze it logically.
Don't go down to the halfway house and see if there's a man or a woman you can talk to. Go down to the 24-hour club. I don't know if they have those in California.
Go to go to a treatment center, a detox, a jail. Go share your story with a busted drunk, >> right? You go to work on them.
God goes to work on your issues. Don't fix it. Don't fix it.
That's what we always want to do. I'm sober now. Let me go to work on Don't.
Your toolkit is still shady. Don't know what you're doing. Put it down.
What you can do is go work with another alcoholic and watch God take care of your problems. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartaches. And then they're going to wrap some stuff up. They're talking about inventory in general.
It says, "We've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We've commenced to see their terrible destructiveness." This is the promise of the resentment prayer. We've begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies.
For we look on them as sick people. Huh? We've listed the people we have hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.
In this book, you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you're convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. Isn't it funny that you came in here not to be drinking?
You're trying to get free of the bottle and what we're they're driving at is you really need to get free of you. That's what we're looking for. Self-will run.
If you've made a decision, meaning that third step commitment, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, meaning your large largest handicaps, you've made a good beginning. It's like, dang, I thought I just did something. No, you made a good beginning.
There's still a lot left to be done. That being so you swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself, right? So, self has me blocked from the sunlight.
Fourth step is about getting down to causes and conditions of this so that when I walk into a fifth step, I can see the truth and then subsequently get free of it. That's what we're looking at. That's what we're looking at.
Now that we've broken it down, it doesn't seem so big and bad and scary. Not really. You'll hear a lot of that in the meetings, too.
Oh my god, you're on your forep. Bless your heart. Don't scare the newcomer with stuff like that.
That's nonsense. It's the most freeing exercise you can do before you roll into some amends and and get into to living in the sunlight of the spirit. Julie, what do you got?
>> Well, and that's such a good point. You know, we always sit around in meetings and we hear, "Oh, I'm on the four step, the dreaded four step, the dreaded four step." And and it's such a BS because that I mean, the whole thing about the four step is just to to bring light to to to these to us, the truth about us. And and and the cool thing is is that for the first time I actually saw who I really was.
I I mean I am sitting there I I actually saw I'm oh my god I'm arrogant. Like I didn't know that. I just thought I was strong.
I just you know and and I mean all these things start coming to light and start coming to light. um and and the that sex inventory and on each inventory. Here's one thing about the fourstep is that there's so many and I know there's so many different ways that people do it and and the book lays it out so beautifully and simply.
All you need is the big book. You don't even and a piece of paper and a pen. Um and but there's different and I don't really give a rat's patootie.
Um how you do it just get her done. Get her done. And I don't care how many resentments you have.
I don't care. just give me your top 10, you know? I mean, people are like, I had 70.
Like, I I had 130. I'm like, really? I don't know that many people, but that's all right.
And then they're all like, oh my god, I have to go back to the to the very first person, Johnny on the playground, hit me with the rock. If Johnny on the playground that hit you with the rock doesn't bother you today, I don't care about Johnny on the playground. Does that make sense?
It's kind of like everybody wants to do it. so thorough that they go way overboard. We're such extremists.
God, I love us. And so, um, just get her done. I I always say, get on your Nike shoes and get her done.
Just do it. Um, but we get to that sex inventory and and there we go with those opinions and and I really just want one more time to express that this is about me finding my truth. This is not about my sponsor pointing out my truth.
This is not about my sponsor taking me to a different place. This is about me letting God take me to a different place. Nobody.
Nobody. Nobody gets to tell me what is right or what is wrong. Nobody.
Only God does. Nobody gets to be my judge. Nobody.
Don't you dare sit in front of another human being and do their fist step and judge them. If you're going to do that, get out. Because that's the worst thing we can do.
That is none of our business. It is a business of getting them connected to God. That's our business so that God can take them to a different place if he sees fit.
God alone can judge. Period. I can I can get advice from you guys cuz I know y'all think like I do and I know y'all like are on the same page with me.
But you know what? When I get quiet with God, that's who gives me my direction. Nobody else does.
Cuz let me tell you, I've had some I've had some stuff go on and and when it came to I had a little I literally put ouch next to the sex inventory cuz that hurt worse than anything. I was in a relationship, an abusive relationship with a man. I was married to him.
Um, and and when after I did all the inventory, I saw how I put myself in that position and it hurt. And it hurt. I saw how I was my mistakes that I made.
I wasn't all to blame. We're not always all to blame, but we have to look for our own mistakes. Where was I wrong?
Where where were my mistakes? Why? Because we got to put the other person aside totally.
Putting them out of our minds, right? Putting their mistakes out of our minds. Where did I resolutely make the mistakes so that I can take that to God later and let him deal with me?
Does that make sense? So, we're looking for the truth about who me. I got to this is my inventory, not anyone else's.
How free do you want to be? That's the question. How free do you want to be?
Do you want to walk free from this anger? Yeah. Well, come on.
We can do it. All right. I think we're breaking for lunch.
On page 72, we're talking about the fifth step. So, we've just gotten done with that fourth step and we've written it out and we're LIKE, "OW, HOLY COW, this hurts. I don't like myself." We're like these wounded dogs, you know?
And I always say it's it's amazing to me what God does because I believe that truly we're shown little by little by little because if we saw all the truth at once, we'd be like open wounded dogs who couldn't lick themselves well. So that's why that's why you're stuck with us for a lifetime. We got a lifetime of learning of our truth.
But um in the beginning here it says, "Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it?" Here's the question. We've been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. That's the goal.
The goal is to get a new attitude. Like, my old attitude sucked. I got to get a new one.
A new relationship. It didn't say you didn't have a relationship. It's like, how's that working for you?
Let's try a new one. you know, we're going to get a new relationship with this creator and to discover the obstacles in the path and find out what is that self-will that blocked me off from him. Um, it's it's and it also goes on to say, we've admitted certain defects, right?
Like, come on. Haven't we all in our lifetime I I love I we walk down the street and we can put our finger on the rough items in our life and we can kind of say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that's wrong with me." Or, "Yeah, yeah, I know I do that." And and that's that's as far as we get >> and we just keep walking. Right?
Here's the cool thing about this. It says, "Now these are about to be cast out." What a great promise that is. They're going to be cast out.
And this requires action on our part. So, we're going to have to do something which when completed will mean that we have admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our defects. And I always say this is not about our sponsor.
This is not I have to admit this to another human being, but this isn't about the human being that's sitting across from me. This is about me and God. I just need that vessel that's sitting across from me because otherwise I'm not getting humble because for I don't know about y'all, but I was like one of those superw women.
I had the big S on my chest. I did it all drunk, but I did it all right. I mean, I I can do everything and better than you.
So, what's going to happen is that we've got to get the S off the chest. We got to get the all that stuff broken down and get to who I am for reals. Um, it talks about how this is difficult, right?
Who likes to say, who likes to admit their mistakes? I don't know. Maybe y'all like, "Woohoo!" No, not me.
Uh-uh. Mm-m. So, it's difficult.
They knew it was difficult back then. We know it's difficult today. Um, especially discussing our defects with another person, we think we've done well enough admitting these things to ourselves, right?
Thought so. But there's doubt about that in actual practice, we find a solitary self- appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it was necessary to go much further.
we will be more reconciled in discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. When I see a good reason, I don't ever ever want to drink again. That's a good reason.
That's the only reason I need right now. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. And time and time, newercomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives.
It's It's crazy cuz I remember telling my sponsor the one thing >> Mhm. >> that I said I would take to the grave, the one thing that absolutely nobody on this earth would ever know. And I told it and I admitted it.
And he um he kind of chuckled and he said, "You're not the only one." And how relieving was that? I'm not the only one. And I it was the deep dark secret that I thought I was so bad.
And how cool is this that this gets to be cast out trying to avoid this humbling experience. They have turned to easier methods. How many times did we all just sit in the rooms trying to avoid this experience or what whatever it is?
How many easier methods did we I don't know about y'all. I went to Dr. Phil.
I took this. I did that. Right?
All these easier methods. Therapy. Um whatever it was that I didn't have to do this, anything but this.
Oh, but they got drunk. Hey. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell.
And we think the reason is that they never completed the house cleaning. They took inventory, all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear.
They only thought they had humbled themselves. Here's the kicker. That's what this whole step is about.
That's why I've got a sponsor in front of me because it's about humbling myself. losing my fear, losing my ego, getting down to the nitty-gritty and busting me up. Not for them, but for me to get connected to this power.
Because most people lead double lives, right? It's like the whole actor. I call it the the mask that we wear.
I was so good at it, right? We think we are. I put on the here's the soccer mom mask.
Here's here's the uh church lady mask. Here's here's the the the bar mask, right? We have all these different lives that we lead.
And then and then in our hearts, we know we don't deserve it. I was driving over here this morning with the girls and and I was talking to you know those little ladies in church and oh my god I love them and I still love them and I have friends like that and they're just all sweet and they I'm I'm loud right? I know y'all know I can't help it.
I'm just loud AND AND I ALWAYS wanted to be one of those sweet how they talk like this. They just they just talk like this and they get their point ac I'm like I want I want to be like I thought that's how I should be ALL THROUGH I KEPT THINKING that's what it need that's how I need to be. That's not how God made me.
God made me loud. I don't know why. And so I I put on that mask and I try to be this and I try to be this and and with all my will and all my might, I try to be something I'm not.
Why? To impress you. So we've got to we got to let through this step.
What happens is we let God take down all those masks and mold us into that person he intended us to be in the first place. Yes, Julie, you are loud. If you're performing your own work well and sticking close to me, who cares what anybody else thinks?
Does that make sense? >> Yeah. >> The thing is is that's the part we we get into this later in sobriety, too, because we like to put up the good AA front and we like to say, "Yes, I'm doing great.
Yes, I'm doing great. Yes, I'm doing great." And inside we're dying. We're dying.
We see this in the rooms a lot. We're on our way. We're doing well.
We're doing well. And then all of a sudden we keep and we'll talk about it later, but I mean this is we all of a sudden we start making oursel appear one way but knowing in our heart we don't deserve it. And that is a lonely place to be.
And that's where we want to be free of. And that's what this step is all about. It's about admitting it to somebody else so that we can get humble enough to say, "You know what?
I'm not perfect." I called my sponsor the other day to do a tent step with him and I forget what it was and and I said, "I'll try to be nice." And he goes, "Please don't change now." He said, "God's got you just like he's got you." I mean, it's the truth. I'm nice, don't get me wrong. But he we giggle because um I could be nicer I could be nicer to my husband and stuff, you know, couldn't we all?
But why change now? Um but here's the It goes on to say how the inconsistencies are made worse by the things he does on his spree and come into his senses. He's revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers or really remembers.
I always I I tell my husband I never blacked out and he's like, "Where were you? Because I hope you were blacked out, right? He's like, I hope you didn't do that and you meant to, some have sex problems.
Um, he trembles to think someone might have observed him as fast as he can. He pushes these memories far inside himself and he hopes they will never see the light of day. And then he's under constant fear and tension.
And then that makes for more drinking or more hiding and more withdrawing and just that black hole as Bill describes it that loneliness and despair that bitter morasses self-pity and we need to get out of that and find this power. So once we find the right person, right, and then the book starts talking about that right person that that that you want to do this with, someone who's you who's going to be unaffected, someone who is going to be closouthed, and that's the person that we need to find to do this step with. You have to remember when this book was written, AA was not on every street corner, right?
You were shipped the book. So, we want to find an understanding. I don't know how many times understanding is on that next page.
Understanding. Understanding. I need to know what you're driving at.
What you're driving at is getting a new relationship with that creator, discovering the obstacles in the path. I need to be able to help you get to that truth. If you're not seeing it and you're not seeing it, you're not I haven't been able to say, you know what, we're going to have to stop.
Not sure you're really ready. I can't convince you of your own self-will. You have to see it.
Does that make sense? Like just like we can't convince somebody of step one, we can't convince somebody of their own self-will. If they're sitting there arguing with me, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm like, you know, you might be right. You might be right, but I can't help you. Um, so what we do is we kind of pocket our pride and we go to it.
Um, illuminating. I love illuminating. Illuminating means bring to light every twist of character and every dark cranny of the past.
Right? So, we are going to all bars off all we're going to all on the table. I'm going to let it loose and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to go over this inventory that I've rewritten and I'm prepared for a long talk.
And once I start going with my sponsor and and going through it, I start seeing, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Pride, fear, pride, fear, air, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me. Everything was me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me.
I couldn't believe how arrogant I was. I really couldn't like I really couldn't. I was like, "Oh my god, here I am." And I have to tell you, the first fist step I ever did was so enlightening.
I was so free feeling. It was It was amazing because for the first time I saw who I was in black and white and I could work with that. I had been to I don't know about y'all.
How many of y'all had like the stack of self-help books? Yeah, I did too. And and I was talking to somebody else earlier and we were talking about the fluff that we hear in the meetings and all that fluffy stuff and that fluffy stuff sounds so good and I can't obtain it and I'm trying to obtain all this stuff but I can't obtain anything because I don't even know who I am because I'm putting up so many stage characters.
Like I'm sitting in meetings and I'm telling you all that like I'm all that and you're I know nothing. And so for the first time, I actually saw who I was in black and white. I saw where I was selfish.
I saw where where I was self-centered. I saw where I was full of fear, self-d delusional for the first time. So once I was finished with that, I got to have some promises read to me.
And these are my favorite promises of the book because I sat in meetings for how many 13 years. And not once did I know there was other promises. I only heard that there were ninestep promises.
And I did not know there were fifthstep promises. Once we have taken the step withholding nothing, meaning I can't withhold any information. And I love to I love to stop there and ask um I ask a few questions to the women.
>> 75. >> Oh, 75. I'm sorry.
I'm real bad about that. No, I'm bad. Thank you.
>> Um we can look we are delighted. Like when's the last time you've been delighted? And how would you I MEAN WHO EVER TALKS ABOUT THAT IN MEETINGS?
All they do is go, "Oh, the dreaded fourth step." They never say, "Oh my god, after the fistep, you can be delighted." >> Like, where's the hope in the meetings? Come on, guys. Let's get the hope back in the meetings.
>> Yes, >> we're delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We quit looking down and we start looking up.
We can hold our head high. Our fears fall from us. Oh my gosh.
I had a stack of fears and they just started dropping. Amazing. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator.
So, it's just a beginning. It's another starting point, right? It doesn't say, "Hey, hey, we're hooked again.
We're like this. I've been like that drunk." We may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. Right?
So it doesn't say we came in here ignorant. It doesn't say we came in here without without an idea or or being spiritual. Some of us come in here spiritual.
There are atheists that are spiritual. Okay. But now it's saying that we're beginning to have an awakening.
We're beginning to become awakened. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly, meaning I don't want it more and more. I'm I'm separating more and more from it.
I'm waking up and it's and it's 3:00 before I start thinking about it. Oh my god. I don't know about y'all, but like I wake up and I'm I'm like, "When am I gonna get it?
How am I going to get it? Where am I gonna get it? Who do I have to get to school to get it?" And and when it, right?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE and now it's like 3:00 going, "Oh my god, I haven't thought about alcohol today." More and more we become less interested in it. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. So returning home, we're going to find a place where we can be quiet for an hour carefully reviewing what we've done.
We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Highlight. Because it just told me after the fifth step that I get to know him better, meaning I don't have to know him in step two or three.
that I get to know him after the fistep because I just got to know me. And where did we talk about finding God? But deep down within us.
And once I find out who I am a little bit more, I can find out who God is more and more. And here's the cool thing. Every time I sit down with you, I see him more and more and I grow more and more every day.
I'm going to tell you today, I still do not know who God is. I still don't have it figured out because y'all come in here all busted up and then y'all get sober and I'm still freaked out over it. I mean, I've seen some miracles in this room and it still amazes me.
I'm like, really? All right, there must be a God. Look at her.
gives us some more instructions and taking this book down from the shelf and you know I actually um I actually put my book on my shelf and took it down. I was so scared. I was like I'm GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT.
I I READ IT. I WAS TOLD GO HOME AND read this and and and I read it and I'm like oh it says taking a book down from the shelf. Okay.
I closed it. I put it up on the shelf and then I took it down. I followed every direction.
That was good. Carefully reading the first five proposals, the first five steps, we ask, here's a prayer if we've omitted anything. Hey God, did I leave anything out?
What did I leave out? Anything in the first step? Anything in the second step?
Anything in the third step? Anything in that fourth step? Anything in that fifth step?
No. All right. For we're building an arc through which we're going to walk a free man at last.
So, we're going to make sure that our work is solid. We got to lay the foundation here. Is it solid so I can walk free?
Or have I tried to skimp on something? Did I leave something out? Well, she'll never know that.
He'll never need to know that. I can take that one to my grave. No, you can't.
Not if you want to walk free. That's the kicker. And I guarantee you there's nothing in here that you have done or been done that we haven't heard truly.
I guys it's this and the thing is is that this whole step if you look at the promises and we're talking about we're we want to get rid of this promptly and without regret. This isn't about us at this point when we first go through this. We know this is about me, right?
This is all about me cuz the world's still revolving around me. But later we find out looking back, this was never about me. This was about me getting clear of it, understanding some truth around it, so then I could use it for somebody else.
My dad died at 18 years old when I was 18. Um, it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life because um um my dad was everything in my life. My mom, I hate to say this on tape.
Um, my dad was everything to me. Everything. He was my supporter.
He knew when I was hurt. He was everything that my mother wasn't. Okay.
And so when he died, everything crashed. Through that experience, and it's still painful sometimes. Through that experience, I've been able to help Audrey that went through the same thing.
It makes it a I I mean, that's why I And sometimes I have to look and say, you know what, maybe it happened to me so that I could benefit her. How cool is that? Bad stuff happens.
Bad stuff happens to us. Absolutely. But what can we do with it?
What can we take and what can we share? And how can we help someone else? Because you know what?
This program is about being of maximum service to God and the people about us. And the longer you stay in these rooms, the longer you will learn that. If you work this program, you will learn that.
And that's when the joy comes, being able to share the experiences that has happened to us. And now taking that and it's kind of like other things, you know, I'm sitting down and doing a fist with something. I don't even remember stuff and all of a sudden she's saying I'm like God kind of takes it out and says, "Here, I need you to use this now.
Otherwise, I'm not even remembering it." That's the coolest thing. That's the promises that come out of this. >> So looking at this from from a standpoint of a sponsor, what we're doing is we're driving somebody back into the fourth column, driving them into looking at their stage characters and seeing the truth.
So when it gives us that fifth step promise and it says once we've taken the step of holding nothing, we're delighted. Let's be clear on what we're talking about. I wasn't delighted to see what I saw, right?
What I saw was kind of a selfish prick. That's kind of what I saw. and a whole bunch of manifestations and a whole bunch of stage characters and a whole bunch of sickness and harms done to others.
I didn't go yes, but it was good to see the truth. And this is what we're talking about cuz if I don't know where I am, I can't get anywhere different. So, if I've got a sponsor that will show me the truth, then I can do something with it.
And so, when when we talk about the directions for what we do when we go home, um it talks about being quiet for an hour and and reviewing some things. We get real specific at this point in the book or Bill gets real specific at this point in the book and a lot of times this this is the point where you're going to short change yourself. You're going to say I'll sit with it for 10 minutes or I'll sort of pseudo meditate or you know I'll flip through back through my inventory pages or something.
I'll kind of hang out on the way home. >> I'll take a nap and do it tomorrow. You know, all kinds of stuff.
And I can get with that. I mean, God knows we don't ever like to do anything, you know, by the book. But here's the deal.
Anything less than what this literature is asking you to do is a demonstration that you think you got a better way. So remember that when you want to go into six and seven and go, "Oh, it's two paragraphs. No problem.
I'll knock this out in 2 minutes." Don't do that. Don't do that. The um the 12 and 12 gets real clear about 6 and 7.
It's kind of interesting if you ever want to read it. It talks about being the step that separates the men from the boys, the girls from the women. And what I see is a lot of people playing at sobriety, right?
And mouth and stuff. You want to get real with some stuff, do do a six and seven. You want to find some power, do a step six and seven.
I dare you. It is insane. Because Julie and I were having this conversation earlier about looking at character defects.
And my delusional mind wants to use things like logic and reason that if I if I do something long enough and don't like it, I'll I'll just remember and stop doing it. Anybody been there? You ever get caught gossiping and you're like, "Oh my god, I'm never going to do that again.
I'm never going to do that again. That was so humiliating. I hurt somebody's feelings.
It caused pain. I'm done with that. How'd that last?" Like 3 weeks and you're like, "Girl, did you see what she was wearing?" Right?
You say something. Human nature. You got to You got to understand what we're dealing with.
We're dealing with spiritual principles and human nature. And we're watching them in collision trying to get it sorted out in the path. If you'll stick with it, you'll get somewhere different.
But you got to know that you seeing your defects won't get you anywhere except an idea of what you're working with. And then comes what do you do with it? So it talks about asking yourself if you've omitted anything.
There's a difference between forgetting and omitting. There was um I told you guys last night I have a flare for the theatrics. I used to fake panic attacks a lot when I was drinking because people feel sorry for you if they think you're crazy.
And so I would fake a lot of panic attacks. So, I completely forgot that. And some months down the road, I'm listening to an inventory and this girl saying that she was faking this and faking illness.
I faked a whole disease my senior year of high school. It was real kind of interesting to watch how it all came about. But, um, manifested symptoms and the whole situation, but I forgot that.
Now, that's dumb. How do you forget that? Well, you do.
>> You do. And I'm listening to inventory and I, oh my gosh, Julie, I completely forgot X, Y, and Z. you know, there wasn't any work to do around it.
It was about humility to let another person know who I was when it when it was brought to my attention. But I think that, you know, if we are to see everything all at once, I don't know, we might explode. I don't know.
But over the years, I can I can assure you that as time passes in sobriety, God will take you to the depths of your defects if you'll let him. And there's always another layer. There's always another occurrence to be found.
You're not going to see it all at once, but I've got to see the point, which is problems in my own making. That's what I've got to see. So, having looked at that, we're on 76.
I already did that. You missed it. We'll play it back for you.
>> Thanks. >> Love you. All right.
So, we're on 76. We're looking at step six. Now, here's the thing.
If I made a commitment in step three to to finish the work, to see what God would do with me, then you can kind of address step six as a reaffirmation of that third step. Having seen what I've seen, which is the truth about me, am I willing to go on? Right?
So, it says, if we can answer to our satisfaction the questions that we just asked ourselves, we then look at step six. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable, absolutely essential. I've got to have a willingness to continue to go on.
Now, where do I find willingness to go on? How about fourth column of inventory? Right?
After you've seen who you really are, do you want to hang on to that? After we gather up all the garbage and put it on your front doorstep and then ask you, "Would you like me to take that to the curb or would you like to keep that on your front doorstep?" It gets real obvious what you want to do. And this is why you have to have a sponsor that knows this book, that knows what they're doing to show you.
Are you now ready to let God remove from us, remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable. Well, what did we find was objectionable? That I'm selfish, self-centered, dishonest, things of that nature.
But the specifics, the manifestations of self, that's what's objectionable. Is that working for you? Your controlling nature, your tendency to be a victim, the way that you want to go behind people's back and do things without their not is that objectionable to you?
I I should hope so. Having done an inventory with a strong sponsor, you'll find a lot of things objectionable. So, it says, "Can he now take them all?
Everyone." How long you been trying to give God your alcoholism and nothing else? >> Please take this terrible situation. Leave me with the checkbook in the man.
I got that, you know. No. Are you willing to give absolutely everything to God?
This is not this is not a ride the fence kind of program. This is an all or nothing. Either jump in or close the door and walk away.
Truly, don't ride the fence. You want to get sick and crazy and confused in recovery, ride the fence. You want to get well, jump in.
So it says, if we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. So at this point, I'm asking myself, am I willing to pay the price? Am I really willing to submit these defects of character and stop going to work on them?
Right? How many times you I'm really working on honesty. I'm really working on my honesty.
Don't >> I'm praying for patience. Don't do that either. Then do the work in the book.
Stop trying to sound so smart and so spiritual and go to work on you. If you working on you worked, would you be here? I'd be at home working on me being happy.
Right? No, I'm here to let God go to work on me. This is why this is not a self-help program.
>> Right now, is there some measurable action I can take to not tell lies? I can stop telling people I'm an author. I can do that.
You know, that's an obvious one. I can certainly do that. But I don't see all the delusions.
I don't see all the sickness. There are stories I told for years that it took me a year or two. It's ready to go.
I think that might be a lie. >> I think I've been telling that since I was 10, and it really didn't even happen. >> Mhm.
>> But I believe my own lies. It's true. She's listened to all of them.
We've kind of sorted them out over the years, but >> I didn't know. But I didn't go to work on me. I said a prayer, asked God to do with it what he would, and I got my freaking hands off of it and got busy doing amends and some other things.
So, this is the six-step prayer. If you're not willing to let something go, you ask God to help you be willing. If you're not willing to stop cheating on your spouse, you better ask God to help you be willing, right?
Because if we're not, we we've already been clear, my conduct harms others, and I continue to live in a dishonest, secretive, sick world. I'm quite sure to drink. So, I've got to get clear about that kind of stuff.
So, it says, "When ready, we say something like this." And here's my sevenstep prayer. My creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. H I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We've then completed steps step seven.
So while while there was no amen on the end of the third step prayer, we begin to find one at the end of the seventh step prayer. Why? Why?
Um and the way to view that you one way to look at it is is to look at it as sort of a covenant, you know, a commitment between you and this creator that you're now on your knees saying a prayer to. On the third step, I got on my knees and I said, "Here's what I'm going to do. Please remove what's standing in the way of me doing it so I can be useful to to you." Right?
And then when you do that, I'm going to bear witness, which means I'm going to carry the message and I'm going to sponsor and I'm going to get involved. I don't always know that at the third step. I never will forget the night I said my third step prayer and Cliff >> walked by.
I was sitting on the bench and I I walked by and he said, "What are you doing out here?" And I said, he's old and kind of grumpy sometimes. And I said, "I'm I just I'm scared. I just said my third step prayer.
I'm just sitting here like go away." you know, and he's like, "Well, you just made a huge mistake." I said, "What are you talking about? Got on my knees, said the prayer, check, check." He said, "No, the rest of your life is none of your business." >> I was like, I so didn't sign up for that. You know, I I thought we were saying a prayer.
And I remember when I went back to the work with Julie, having a clear depiction of what we were doing in the third step, that I was to submit everything. And then steps four and five is prayer and action. What are we really doing?
What's really been going on? It's one of my favorite questions to ask. What's really going on?
But it's prayer and action. Then by the time I get to the seventh step, what that looks like is I'm signing off on the deal here. It's like a contract that got drawn up.
Here's what I'm willing to do. Here's what I've done. Signing it off.
Moving on. I'm working on six and seven. We used to hear that at this one meeting all the time.
We were like, you could do that by the end of this meeting. You could have been worked out on six and seven. What are you working on?
This is another decision. Are you willing to continue to submit to the work? Are you willing to continue to go out and make amends and begin to to do work with 10, 11, and 12?
That's it. It's no real great spiritual complexity. If you boil this program down to its simplest form, oh my god, I told a girl the other day, I said, "Do you know how many dumbass people I've seen get sober?
>> It tons. You do not have to be brilliant to do this. There are no huge spiritual innuendos.
It's so simple if you'll just submit to it. So the seventh step, I'm kind of signing off on the deal and um while God's going to work on me, what am I committed to do? Right?
So when it says that I'm to give all of me to him and remove the defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to God, I'm not I'm not to ask for these defects to be removed so I can sit at home and be comfortable, right? And God's not going to remove everything at once because they're teaching tools. Mhm.
I wanted to walk on water and I spent a lot of time and energy doing that in early sobriety trying to get it all perfect. All perfect. And Cliff said to me, "I tell you what, kid.
It's hell having to be human when you want to walk on water." >> I just bye, Cliff. You know, >> hear that all the time. >> You know, I don't get to do that when I mess up, when I'm dishonest, and I still am.
I have moments when I do that. It's always for somebody else. I tell you what, you start sponsoring and it'll be abundantly clear that your life is not your own.
>> Everything you go through, watch him or her come right up behind you going through the same thing. Hundred times over. It's not up to me.
It's not up to me. He removes those as he will. So grant me strength as I go out from here.
What am I going out from here to do? What's his bidding now? Well, after step seven, it's to make the list.
I'm about to roll into eight and nine tonight. Right? Right?
See, I go to my sponsor's house or wherever you're meeting. I'm doing that inventory, which if you're taking longer than about 2 to three hours to do inventory, you are spinning your wheels or they are talking too much. No, no.
It doesn't take that long to see the truth. It really, really doesn't. I've hear people say that all the time.
It takes about 8 10 hours on that first inventory. I'm glad you don't sponsor me. God almighty.
No, it really doesn't. I will stop you short in the middle of your dramatic story and go, "It's this and this. Next, next.
We don't know. Get clear on that. So, I'm doing that in an afternoon.
I'm going home. I'm spending an hour doing six and seven. That night, pen, paper, eightstep list.
Who do I owe amends to? I'm pulling them all off of that inventory. You want to say something about six and seven?
When it says good and bad, I mean, here's the point. I've got to give all of me to him. And I don't get to give just the bad, right?
And keep the good. I don't give just the good and keep the bad. And I think, "Oh, that's too bad.
You can't have that. I must hold on to that." No, I give all of me at this point. And here's why.
And this is what this looks like, guys. And this is what I used to say when I go carry the message into all these little treatment centers. Um, it's kind of like if I go off out, let's say I go and and and I'm I'm do this, right?
I'm I'm out here at the podium and I do this and I walk off and I go, "Oh my gosh, that sucked." Why? Because we can do that, right? We can walk out of any situation.
We can walk away from a conversation with someone and what do we start thinking about? Me? Did we hear what they said?
No. All we keep replaying is everything we said. Right.
And and so I can walk off and I can sit there and I can say, "Oh my god, I can't believe I said that. I should have said this and it should have gone like this and I I should have done." Okay. So, what am I saying?
I'm taking the credit. Therefore, it's kind of like I'm now going to go into self-pity. Same as if I were to walk off and say, "Oh my god, that was great." Did you hear him laugh?
I like rocked. I mean, who's taking the credit? Who am I giving credit to?
Me. That's saying I'm doing it. And I It sounds crazy, but you know what?
I am going to succeed. in sobriety and I am going to fail in sobriety. My successes and my failures are not mine.
They are his to do with and that way I stay even. I stay one with you. I'm not above you and I'm not below you.
I'm shouldertosh shoulder with you. How cool is that? Like I don't think I'm bad.
Guys, come on. This is a book. We get to read it.
We get to study it. We get to have fun with it. Just because I'm at this side of the table doesn't mean I'm better than anybody.
Does that make sense? And so we I mean I I love a friend of mine says once we believe we've arrived in AA, you need to look around. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE ARRIVED TO.
Little losers. I didn't say that. I'm one of them.
The point is is this is the humbling step. Truthfully, this is truly where we get to stay humble and get on our knees and give everything to him. And if I'm giving everything to him, then I don't take it.
I don't take any of it. It's not This is not me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be sober.
First off, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have the knowledge. Second off, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have what I have. I am everything I am because of him.
And he gets all the credit. He gets my successes and he gets my failures. That is it.
If you don't like it, I'm sorry. That's I mean that I can't go back to stick close to him, perform his work well. If the person next to you doesn't like how you're doing it, too bad.
as long as I mean I what else do you say? This is where we rely on him solely and this is where we end that third step and we get to start giving everything to him. Um oh I was going to say something else.
I hate these um I used to I always call I I still to this day call my sponsor before I speak. Um it is because early in I this is not my favorite thing to do for those of you who I when I go to speak I just like you I want to puke truly my hands are sweaty I just want to throw up I can't have conversation with anybody before I speak if you'll I'm like my anyway um so when early Friday people used to call me and say Julie will you please come speak for us and and I'm like oh my god yes cuz I' I've taught never to say no. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, you should get Audrey. >> She is awesome. And so I used to throw her under the bus every day.
>> I didn't know this till a year ago, mind you. >> I didn't know that. But so whenever I speak, I so I still to this day call my sponsor before I speak and he used to say, "Julie, you got one story to tell.
the one you were gonna tell, the one you told, and the one you should have told. And isn't that true with us in life and everything? It's always the what we're going to do, what we, you know, what we did and what we should have done.
Cuz aren't we always looking everywhere else, but the what we did? And my point is with that is that even if we make mistakes, because we will make mistakes, we will. Thank God.
And we're going to talk about that more in step 10 because those mistakes once again she said are not ours mistakes. They're going to be to be used for somebody else. I get to grow in understanding and be more effective for someone else.
Same with my my successes. So does that make sense? Did I leave anything out?
>> I think that's it. Okay. >> Let's go ahead and take a break.
Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.
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