I Needed All of AA — Not Just the Fellowship: AA Speaker – Chris C. – Alexandria, MN – 2016
AA speaker Chris C. from Alexandria, MN shares why working all 12 steps—especially inventory and amends—is essential to recovery. Not just meetings, but the full program.
Chris C. from Alexandria, Minnesota came into AA through a treatment center at 22, fresh off the streets of Los Angeles, thinking meetings were all there was to the program. In this AA speaker talk, he walks through why he needed all of Alcoholics Anonymous—not just the fellowship—and how following the directions in the Big Book, working a complete inventory, and making amends to all people changed his life from a blackout drinker to a sober father and sponsor.
Chris C. breaks down Step 1 using the doctor’s analogy—alcoholism as a physical allergy and mental obsession—and explains why the directions in the Big Book matter for recovery. He details the Fourth Step inventory process, why it’s “the key to the future,” and how it feeds into every step that follows (5 through 12). Chris emphasizes making amends to all people, including the hit-and-run he confessed to police, and stresses intensive sponsorship work and daily vigilance as the real immunity from drinking.
Episode Summary
Chris C. opens with a story about baking a chocolate cake without following the recipe—a perfect setup for the central theme of his talk: AA is a program of clear-cut directions, not opinions or shortcuts. He came into AA believing meetings were the program itself, not realizing the actual program lives in the Big Book.
The bulk of his talk focuses on Step 1, which he breaks down into two halves. The first is the physical allergy: using the doctor’s opinion from the book, Chris explains that he has an abnormal reaction to a common substance—alcohol. When he drinks, his body demands more; normal people can stop. He illustrates this with striking examples: the contrast between a coworker who refused wine because it didn’t taste right (something Chris could never do) and his own experience drinking beer cans with cigarette butts in them. This isn’t willpower or morality—it’s an allergy.
The second half of Step 1 is the mental obsession. Chris describes his brain as broken when it comes to alcohol. He’d wake up declaring he wouldn’t drink, eat lunch by noon, and by 5 p.m. find himself at a 7-Eleven with a twelve-pack, unaware of the decision he’d made. He ties this to page 37 of the Big Book: “We call this plain insanity.” His brain doesn’t connect consequences. He burns himself on a car’s exhaust manifold once and avoids it for ten years—but drinks alcohol repeatedly despite the wreckage.
He emphasizes that the main problem is in the mind, not the body, which is why willpower and “just think it through” don’t work. He was told in treatment to write down triggers; his response: “It’s Tuesday. I’m breathing. My heart’s beating. What are you talking about triggers?” For him, triggers don’t exist—he’ll drink while full, happy, with people, after waking up. The only mention of triggers in the Big Book is metaphorical (a loaded shotgun).
From there, Chris moves into Steps 2 and 3, discussing his shift from a childhood dream of becoming a Jesuit priest to spiritual numbness. The chapter “We Agnostics” helped him see that everyone in the room is agnostic in the moment of recovery—looking for evidence of a power greater than themselves. He uses the analogy of the sun and gravity: we rely on things we can’t fully explain and don’t have to. What matters is simple reliance, not intellectual understanding. He came to believe through watching people in South Central LA who were living proof that the 12 steps worked.
The heart of his talk is the Fourth Step inventory—what he calls “the key to the future.” He writes inventory yearly (his first had 488 people; a friend had 1,800). The fourth column—where he lists his own faults, not others’ faults—feeds into Steps 5 through 12. He’s uncompromising about following the format on page 65 of the Big Book; he challenges people whose inventories don’t look like the example. “Your cake’s not going to come out very good” if you don’t follow directions.
The inventory process freed him from waiting for apologies that might never come. He realized his problems were of his own making, which meant he could recover regardless of whether anyone else changed. The floodgates opened when he asked God to show him everyone he’d resented—childhood names he hadn’t thought of in years. He read his inventory to multiple people (including his wife) so it lost power through repetition, making amends less scary.
Chris spends significant time on amends, especially the hit-and-run he committed at 19 in a blackout. He saw friends who’d faced prison time to make amends and couldn’t reconcile sitting in meetings with them while hiding his own wreckage. He made the amends at a police station, and by providence, the sergeant was computerizing records and couldn’t easily look it up—he was told to leave. He also tracked down “Patty” from third grade and discovered she’d gone to therapy over an incident he’d forgotten. She asked him to help her alcoholic husband, turning a feared amends into carrying the message.
He’s adamant: the book says “willing to make amends to all” and “amends to all people except when to do so would injure them.” He criticizes sponsors who tell sponsees they don’t have to make certain amends, calling it cowardice disguised as guidance. His position is blunt: “I care about the new guy who needs all of AA. That’s why I’m here.”
Chris describes his daily and nightly inventory work, pulling weeds from his tomato garden as they crop up—removing resentments, fears, and selfishness immediately so they don’t attract the “bug” of a relapse. He does upon-awakening prayers, moving inventory, nightly review, and sponsorship work intensively. This isn’t burden; it’s freedom.
He ends with the classic hole story: a man in a blackout-dug hole calling for help. His parents tell him to try harder; a priest makes him feel guilty; a doctor gives him pills that feel good but don’t fix the problem. Finally, a recovered alcoholic jumps in the hole. When the trapped man protests, the alcoholic says, “Don’t worry, man. I’ve been in this hole before. Here’s a Big Book. It contains directions on how to get out of here.”
The life Chris has today—sober marriage, two kids, active sponsorship, home group service, no fear of who he’ll run into or what he’s done—is the result of needing all of AA, not just showing up to meetings.
Notable Quotes
It doesn’t matter what I stand up here and talk about for the next hour. It counts what I do when I’m not here.
I don’t look like a Texan, do I? I’m actually from Long Beach, California by way of Dallas.
If you just don’t drink no matter what and you’re in the wrong room. This room is for the people who tried to do the next right thing and tried to just not drink no matter what and failed at it.
Whatever the precise definition the word may be, we call this plain insanity. When it comes to alcohol, my brain doesn’t work, right?
The more God shows me, the freer I get.
The key to my future lies in this fourth column of this inventory.
I’d rather be a truthful man carrying the message behind the walls than a liar sitting in these rooms with you people.
Nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.
All of my heroes have a book of knowledge in one hand and a sword in the other, and I will defend it to the death.
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Big Book Study
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Big Book Study
- Sponsorship
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> All right, with no further ado, I'd like to give a big Minnesota warm welcome to D out of Dallas, Texas, Christine. >> >> Chris Hawk.
>> I don't look like a Texan, do I? >> Fooled all of you. >> I'm actually from uh Long Beach, California by way of Dallas.
Long Beach. Ah, I uh uh like to thank Bonnie and all the members of the committee that uh arranged to have me come out. It's always an honor and privilege to be able to do stuff like this.
Um I uh I I I pray that I do uh the the God that I have a conscious relationship with as a direct result of working the steps out of this book. uh and the man who uh I call my sponsor Ma Meyers. Uh I I hope I do them justice.
Um I uh so I I'll talk about this in the last week. I've been to five meetings. Uh I am uh so I I I I believe in going through the steps every year and uh I finished writing an inventory uh a few months ago.
read it to eight people and uh I have I I think six amends left from that current list. Um service-wise I uh my home group is a Frisco group uh in Texas and uh I chair the Friday 7 a.m. morning meeting there and I'm also the group conscience chairperson and and the reason why I'm saying all that isn't to to tell you what a great wonderful AA member I am.
Um, I was taught that this is a spiritual program of action and it doesn't matter what I stand up here and I talk about for the next hour. It counts what I do when I'm not here. Uh, when I'm not in a meeting, um, all the things that go on.
And I wish I could take the credit for all this stuff, but I can't. I I I truly believe what it talks about on page 88 that we alcoholics are disciplines. We let God discipline us in the simple way that we that they've outlined.
And I I'm the guy who cannot not drink. Uh my my drinking history has proved that. Um and I I was uh when Bonnie and I were talking about me coming out, I I asked what the the conference theme was and she said good orderly direction.
I thought, "Oh, that's awesome. I got a lot of stuff I can talk about on that." And um I'll start off with a story. Um about 20 years ago, I went to a buddy of mine's house.
uh sober guy. Known him a long time. And uh he was making a chocolate cake.
Odd, but whatever. I I know a lot of odd people. And um he asked me if I wanted a piece.
We were talking. He finished pulled out of the oven. I I I'm I'm not a dessert guy.
I I just don't have a sweet tooth. I'd rather have fried cheese with marinara sauce on it. But he didn't have any.
So I said, "Sure. I'll have a I'll have a piece of that cake." You know, he gave it to me, and I got to tell you, it was the best chocolate cake I've ever had in my life. I I was like, "Wow, this is awesome.
Will you please write down the recipe for me?" And he sure he pulls out a 3×5 card and he writes down the the directions, right? I'm like, "Awesome. I'm going to make this cake." So, uh, being the good alcoholic I am, I ran home to make the cake.
And, uh, I'm looking at the instructions and, uh, it says two cups of flour, two cups of sugar. And, uh, I I don't like flour, so I'm going to have one cup of flour and three cups of sugar. says two eggs.
I like egg yolks, so I'm going to use four egg whites. Right. Quantity is the same.
Why not? Says a bo uh it says a bag of chocolate chips. I like chocolate, so I put two and a half bags in.
Right. Um I'm supposed to cook it in the oven. Uh 30 minutes, uh 350°, but I'm in a hurry.
Uh, so I decide to broil it for 10 minutes. Do you think that the cake that I pulled out of the oven was the same as the cake that he made? Absolutely not.
It's the importance of following directions. And um, when I apply that to my life in aa, where do I find the directions? And I'm really glad uh that that I had the men that I had in my life to guide me through this journey who stuck to the directions of AA.
Uh I used to think that Alcoholics Anonymous was the meeting that I went to when I was new. I didn't I I came into AA through the doors of a treatment center and I had never heard of AA. I was 22 years old.
I was coming off a a a 10-month stint on uh uh Skidroll in Los Angeles. And uh I just wanted to not be in trouble and I didn't know the difference between counseling session AA meeting sponsor sponsor counselor I had no idea and I thought AA was the meeting I was sitting in um to find out that AA is this book right the book is AA um that the meetings actually got their name after the book talks about that in the form of the second edition in the preface it it says the first portion of this volume describing the AA recovery programs been left untouched. So if I want to know what AA's program of recovery is, it's in the first portion of the book.
And if I hear things that aren't of that, that's great. I I like opinions. But what I talk about when I'm in an AA meeting is what AA has to offer.
In a uh forward to the first edition says to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. And nobody showed that to me when I first got sober. Um uh but I I think the defining page is what what it talks about on page 29.
It says further on clear-cut directions are given showing how we recover. Like wow. It doesn't say in a v vague roundabout way, we're going to show you how to do this.
No, it says clearcut. And I'm really glad that I had a sponsor who took me through the book word by word. We answered every question.
When it asked me to do something, I did it. And and um I was thinking about well how how do you relay this not just to new people but to ruin people and I like on page 18 it it it has this analogy of cancer. If a person has cancer all are sorry for them or no one is angry or hurt but not so with the alcoholic illness and that was my experience.
I don't know about you when people had cancer people were bringing them casserles and people were crying they were so upset and there were always people there. I got alcoholism and nobody was bringing me a casserole. Everybody, it's so weird because I my life is so different because when I was drinking, people who knew me told me to shut up and leave.
And today I get people who I don't even know call me ask me to come and talk. I'm like, okay, I'll do that. Why not?
And um it's interesting because my dad passed away from cancer like 20 years ago. And uh so if you have cancer, you got to go to a doctor and have a diagnosis done, right? And then say that you've got lymphatic cancer and they tell you the solution.
Well, the solution is uh you're going to have to have a dose of radiation, chemotherapy, we're going to have to do a surgery to remove uh whatever tumors the that the chemotherapy doesn't get. And then depending on what happens, you may or may not have to go through chemotherapy again. And this process may kill you.
But if you don't, you're going to be dead in 6 months. But if we're successful, the solution we have to offer, you will be able to live a totally normal life. Right?
Then comes the decision. I've got to decide whether or not I'm going to go through with the treatment or I'm going to live without the treatment. And if I agree to do it, then there's this course of action.
And that's the exact same thing that happens in the 12 steps, right? I look at step one. It's a diagnosis.
Um, so when when you when you break down the first step in in in the big book, it's a a self diagnosis where I have to admit that I'm powerless over alcohol, that my life's unmanageable. And um the first half of that step, admitting that I'm powerless, has two halves. It's it's broken up from the doctor's opinion, page 23, is all about how am I powerless physically when it comes to alcohol?
And it talks about an allergy. And when when I first heard this term, I thought I I'm not allergic to alcohol. I'm allergic to scallops.
True story. I eat scallops. My throat swells up.
And if I eat them at the wrong time of year, I could possibly die unless you got an EpiPen in your pocket. And most people don't carry that around for me, right? I So they're talking about this allergy.
I'm like, I I I I can't relate to that. But when I look at what it talks about in the doctor's opinion, it says, "We believe ano suggested a few years ago the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is the manifestation of allergy and the phenomenon of craving is limitless class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker." I Dr. Silkworth, not an alcoholic, a guy who treated 41,000 alcoholics in his lifetime.
It's a lot of people consider him an expert, right? Um he knew that there was something more going on with an alcoholic than willpower or a moral issue. and he equated to an allergy.
What he saw is when when when these people drank, something happened physically where their body had to have more alcohol. And I started to relate to that. When I drink, I get real thirsty, right?
I I I have to drink more. I'm not It's not I'm not drinking because it's a lovely, wonderful thing to do. I'm drinking because I I've got to drink.
And the word allergy, it it uh the the it's defined as an abnormal reaction to a common substance, right? Um and when you look at at how I react to alcohol, it's very different from normal people. Uh I was out to dinner uh recently with some uh people from work, right?
You ever go to those things? I I hate those, but I watch them drink. I'm like, "What are you doing?" And um grown man, a big guy.
He he ordered a glass of wine. Okay, sure. Whatever.
And and he gets this glass of wine and he takes a sip of it and he makes this w and he pushes it away and I'm I'm like what's wrong? He says it doesn't taste right. I'm like what?
You he said I I'm not going to drink. I'm like I I don't relate to that. Right.
Normal people if it doesn't taste right, they don't drink it. I'm like, "What are you doing?" I I remember I I used to I used to wake up. Well, I used to come too.
And uh after a party and and I I would literally take beer cans and beer bottles, add cigarette butts in them, I'd scream through a t-shirt into a cup cuz there was no fresh beers. I I I I'll drink what I don't care what it is. I will drink it.
And And um that's not normal, right? I have an abnormal reaction to a common substance. And I started to understand that I don't drink like normal people.
And it explains so many things that I could never explain before of why I don't show up for Christmas, why I let my parents down, why why I can't keep my promises because I thought that I was a bad guy. and and I uh so it it it started to make sense. This allergy idea ex like it says that uh as lame in our opinion as it sounds may of course mean little but as ex-prom drinkers we can say that that explanation makes good sense.
It explains many things that we couldn't otherwise account. I today can explain to people why I did what I did when I was drinking because I'm allergic. When I start to drink I can't stop.
So many people go, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm I don't know. I don't care. I I I I don't care about Christmas.
I It was hard because I did care, but I couldn't show up. And And people would say, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I don't I I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong with you?" Right? And and here's the here's the weird thing about the allergy piece is that you know what I don't eat? I don't eat scallops.
You know why? cuz I'm allergic to it. You know what I do?
I drink. I'm allergic to it. I drink it.
It just it never mattered. And that's where the second half of that being powerless comes in from pageuh 23 to page 43. It it switches gears on page 23.
It says that the observations about being powerless physically. They're academic and pointless. If a friend never takes the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle into motion.
It's academic because it's good to know. I can explain why I do what I do. but it's pointless cuz if I never take a drink again, I'm never going to experience a craving.
And it goes on to say that therefore the main problem the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than his body. And I have a brain that tells me that I'm not allergic to it. And um so I think I was about 19 19 years old.
I went to my friend Gary's house and we're going to pre-drink before we go to a party. I like to drink before I go drink. That's tell you the truth.
I was drinking before I went to Gary's house, right? I get to Gary's house and somewhere along the line I I'm a blackout drinker. I I I didn't know it was a blackout.
I really don't People would say, "What?" I'm like, "I don't know what happened. What happened?" People used to tell me and I thought, "Wow, that sounds like fun. I wish I was there." And uh I like to drive when I'm in a blackout.
I don't know why. Don't ask me cuz I'm in a blackout. I can't tell you, but I I I drive.
And um one night, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I came out of a blackout and I'm driving. And the unfortunate thing is that I I came out of a blackout and I'm making a left-hand turn. And the very unfortunate thing is I look at my speedometer, I'M GOING 55.
OH, that's a sobering experience, right? and I lose control. I'm driving my little uh Mazda RX7.
It's a little white one and uh I fish tail. I missed the car here. But as I fish, I swung around.
There's this black saw turbo and it's I'm going to hit it. And I know I smash it. Nailed it.
Whole left the whole left side of his car and left side of my I just boom. Uh somehow I got my car home. Um, and I don't know if you have ever woken up after uh what you thought was a horrible nightmare and go, "Thank God it was a nightmare." I grabbed my surfboard.
I went downstairs in my driveway was my total car. I'M LIKE, "AH, IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE. IT REALLY HAPPENED.
What am I going to do?" And I'm I'm freaking out, hit and run. And I'm I'm like And so I have a criminal mind. I've always been told that.
I'm in my garage and I'm looking around and I see a big red plumbers's wrench. So, I grab the wrench, I grab a Scotchbrite pad and I I clean all the black paint off the side of my car. I take the red wrench AND I SCRAPE RED PAINT ALL OVER IT.
I drive to a neighboring city and I said, "Hey, I was at a party last night and when I came out my car was hit and the the death sergeant comes out and he goes, "Ah, looks like a red car hit you." AND I SAID, "REALLY? WHAT? MAN, you shouldn't BE A DEATH SERGEANT.
YOU SHOULD BE A DETECTIVE. THAT'S I DON'T KNOW HOW you knew that. And they wrote the report.
So, in in my home city, they're looking for a white car that hit a black soda turbo. And in the neighboring city, they're looking for a red car that hit a white Mazda. Right.
Scot-free. So after I left the Westminster Police Department, I went to my friend Gary's house. And you know what I did when I got there?
>> I drank. Why? I'm an alcoholic.
I I got an alcoholic brain. Right. I like what it talks about on on page uh 37.
It says, "Whatever the precise definition of word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack proportion of the ability to think straight be called anything else?" when it comes to alcohol, my brain doesn't work, right? I I uh I used to work on uh cars a lot um growing up and uh I used to work at this shop and this one guy brought in a year 1 Camaro.
He's a real cool guy. He had like 20 muscle cars and he was letting some of the installers do burnouts and they brought in the shop and I got to run some wires from the engine compartment to the back and being the impatient alcohol time, I'm a I'll just be careful and I'll I'll run these wires. And I got my arm up near the header.
It's hot and my arm touched it. I lost some skin. And uh uh the the next 10 years of my uh mechanic career, you know, I've never ever been burned by ever ever again an exhaust manifold on a car.
I would not touch a car unless it was cold, right? If it was slightly warm, I had other installers put fender covers along the whole exhaust manifold because I don't want to burn a little bit of skin, right? Why is it that I will go to such great extremes to not be burned by exhaust manifold, but when it comes to alcohol, I'm burned over and over and over again and my brain doesn't connect this stuff?
It's because I have a lack of proportion ability to think straight. When it comes to booze, my brain does not work. It doesn't think straight.
And that explains why I I I I've had so many times where I wake up point A today I'm not going to drink. I'm not gonna I'm not going to ruin my life. I'm like, "God, I'm not going to do this." And as the hangover wears off and 12:00 rolls around, I eat a little bit of lunch and I finally get some food in me.
Somewhere along the line, I end up at uh at 5:00 leaving work and now I'm thirsty, parched, and now I'm standing in line at a 7-Eleven with a 12-pack quarters light. And I'm not quite sure how I got here, but since I'm in line, right, be a waste to put it back in the cooler. So, my brain just doesn't it doesn't attach these things and I have no power over that.
Um I page 43 it says once more the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink that neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense that defense must come from a higher power and that was real different from what I was hearing in treatment right treatment was just a really bizarre experience I I uh my uh counselor his name was Willie he always wore tie-dye shirts and he had rubber bands in his beard which I thought was really weird and looked like he walked out of a Grateful Dead show and one day he made all of the impatients stand up. There's like 40 of us and I'm standing in the back and uh he said, "If you think of drinking, just think it through." And he made all the adults do this think it through thing and I'm I'm in the back. I'M GOING, "I'M NOT DOING THAT.
Are you kidding me? This is WHAT YOU HAVE $36,000 FOR 30 DAYS. YOU'RE TELLING ME to think it through?
Don't you think if I COULD THINK IT THROUGH, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT THROUGH BEFORE I wound up in this place, right? And and it talks about page 24 that that I I don't have I don't have the ability to bring to mind with sufficient force of memory a week or month ago. I don't have a defense, right?
There are no triggers. Write down all your triggers. And I didn't understand when he said, "Write down.
What are you TALKING ABOUT TRIGGERS? THE things that make you drink." I'm like, "IT'S TUESDAY. I'M BREATHING.
I'M LIKE, MY heart's beating. What What are you talking about? Make me drink." They used to talk about this whole thing.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But you know what? I also drink when I'm full, happy with people, AND I JUST WOKE UP.
I don't The only time it ever talks about triggers in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymouses, is in to the employer's page 137. And it says, "Did a guy put his toe on the trigger of a loaded shotgun?" That's the only time it talks about a trigger. Right.
I can relate to that. I I don't have triggers. I I I will drink you.
I'm more likely to drink after winning a Powerball than I am after getting fired. You give me $120 million cash. Uh you better put some bodyguards on me, right?
So, when I start to understand that I'm powerless when it comes to that, right? There's that dash in the first step. And I I always thought that the first step said I admit that I'm powerless over alcohol and that's why my life's unmanageable that I my life's unmanageable because of uh my pending court dates.
My family won't talk to me all all of these things. And that's not it's talking about the unmanageable of my life, not the unmanag of my drinking. A dash means end of thought, start a thought.
And I like how it defines it on page 44 and 45. It says that if a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome a lot of us would have covered long ago, right? that I could wish to be moral.
I could wish to be philosophic comfort and I could will these things with all my might, but the needed power isn't there. I cannot I I used to I used to sit in meetings people say just do the next right thing. I'm like what are you talking about?
If I could do the next right thing, I wouldn't be in this room. I would be out there just doing the next right thing and keeping the plug in the jug and stay in the middle of some weird boat balancing on a beam. I don't know what you people mean, right?
And it was so confusing. And then I I started to find out with you, I got to do what's in the book. And and I really believe that if you can just not drink no matter what, put the plug in the jug and do the next right thing, you're in the wrong room.
This room is for the people who tried to do the next right thing and tried to just not drink no m and failed at it. Right? I think the dangerous message is when you tell a new person just do the next right thing and just don't drink no matter what.
When he fails at that, he's going to think that that's what A has to offer and never come back. But that's not what AA says. AA says you don't have any power.
you can't do this. You need God's help. Right?
It says on on page 45, the lack of power is our dilemma. And I got to find a power by which I can live. And it says, well, that's exactly what this book is about.
Its main object is to enable me to find a power myself that's going to solve my problem. I don't have to solve it. If I'm powerless, that means I can't control it.
And I got to rely on something that can and will. And I came to believe in this power. It's it's weird because I I used to think that the second step was about fixing my broken Catholic relationship with God and I would be able to believe again, right?
I I was going to be a Jesuit priest. I had made up my mind as a small child. I love God so much.
I can't I can't even express to you how much I love God and how much I wanted devoted my life to that. But then when you you live an alcoholic life and you can't do the next right thing and people saying what's wrong with you? I I I didn't have an answer.
By the time I was 13, that whole dream got ripped away from me because of the way I was living. And what do you do when your dreams are gone? You survive, right?
And that's all I was doing. And thank God that the chapter is we agnostics. It's not once agnostic or we used to be agnostic until we did this program.
It says no we agnostics. We're all agnostics right now sitting here in this room. And that's what the chapter we agnostics is trying to draw out in me currently standing here sober in front of you.
It's having me look at where am I deficient in God. And it was difficult because I I it was hard to set aside these lifelong conceptions around God and to begin looking at what you people because you people had something going on in your lives that I didn't. Not just sobriety.
People were happy and living productive lives. And I I started when I first got sober, I was going to a lot of meetings at South Central Los Angeles cuz I was desperate. I was desperate for the message of AA in in uh and you guys are familiar with South Central.
Asian guys don't hang out in South Central unless you own the liquor store. You don't even go to that neighborhood. These guys were there to help me and and and they were the most loving guys that I ever known.
And I came to believe in AA the same way I came to believe in alcohol, right? I I saw when growing up, I saw my dad and my brothers drinking and my friends, they seem to be having fun. And it was this social lubricant that I desperately needed in in uh at the age of 15.
I I uh went to a drive-in movie theater and I drank three Mickey Mouse liquors in about a half hour. And I got to tell you, I met God. I I I had a spiritual experience that night in the back of Tom's Volkswagen bus, right?
I I I can't tell you what it's like to not be able to breathe and drink and go, "This is what it's like. This is awesome." And it's the exact same thing in AA. I saw these guys that were living these lives and it was so attractive to me.
I'm like, "Well, how how is this possible?" said because they were able to find and maintain a relationship with God through working in these 12 steps. And uh page 52, right? It says when we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance on the spirit of the universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God.
Our ideas didn't work but the God idea did. And I have to start with this simple reliance. Um I like the spirit of the universe idea.
I I I uh so I encounter a lot of people say, "Well, how can you rely on something you can't explain or or don't understand?" And I'm like, "Hey, you're surrounded by it." Right? Uh there's one guy I we're outside talking about this and I I pointed up at that big orange yellow thing in the sky called the sun, right? I said, "Can you explain that thing?" I got no idea.
Do you know how much you rely on that thing? It's not a light bulb. It's a gigantic nuclear explosion.
The size of the sun is a mill it's 100 million times bigger than the Earth. It's literally it's like 93 million miles away. And if the sun were to explode right now, right now we would know it for 8 minutes 17 seconds.
That's how the the the speed of light 186,000 m per second, right? We wouldn't know it. The sun is so important to us because whether you know it or not, if you don't get sunlight, you become vitamin D deficient.
You'll get depressed. You get really sad, right? The sun goes away.
But there's a whole lot more going on around the sun. The sun, I don't know about you, but it it it it feels like Saturday night in in Minnesota to me, right? But did you realize that right now we're going roughly 66,000 mph because the Earth is moving around the sun?
Right now we're going 66. But I feel like I'm sitting still, don't you? If the sun were gone, we'd be in a lot of trouble, right?
It's because of of gravity. Gravity is another thing that we all rely on. How many people can explain gravity?
I can't. I what I like to do is I I like to read things that really smart people have written down. It may it's a big time saver.
So right I don't have to figure out Albert Einstein Albert Einstein said that gravity is is the consequent consequence of the curvature of time and space. Whatever that means. I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I I don't. But he's smart.
Right. But here's the thing about gravity. If we were to jump off of Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas, or the tallest building in the world in Dubai, it doesn't matter where on earth you do this, gravity will pull you at a rate of 32 feet per second until you reach a terminal velocity of 200 miles per hour until you hit the ground and you'll probably not live right now.
Gravity doesn't care how much you know about it. Gravity doesn't care if you can explain it. Gravity doesn't care how you particularly feel about gravity, but we all have a simple reliance upon it.
I rely on gravity all the time. I don't think about it. I don't think about gravity any other time than I'm behind a podium talking about gravity.
Right? It's the same way with God. God is a natural force.
It it it talks about God is everything or he is nothing. What's what's my choice to be? And I don't have to be able to explain God.
I just have to have a simple reliance. I rely on it. I rely on gravity to be here.
when I wake up tomorrow morning, I hope to God gravity's still here, right? And so I started to see that I'm not a concept guy. When it comes I hear I go to some of these meetings, they want to talk about their concept of God.
I'm like, who cares? It says that I don't need to consider your concept. My own however inadequate it is sufficient to make the approach to effect a contact with God because what I'm after is a contact with God, not an idea.
I used to think that AA was about blowing up my idea of God so big that it pushes out the idea of a drink. Uh, that's not what it's saying. It's saying you start with an with your concept and through the course of action, you remove the blocks that allow you to have a conscious relationship with him.
In my consciousness and everything I do, I can tell you about my relationship with God last night, today, in this moment because I have a conscious relationship with him, not an idea of God. It's something that that I carry with me and that it moves with me everywhere I go. And I started to see there was so much more going on with this that I came to it's I just have to have a simple reliance.
I don't the the concept really doesn't matter in it's interest because like uh extraterrestrials, right? If we all took out a piece of paper and a pencil and we wrote down our idea of what ET looks like and drew a picture of him, probably not many of our pictures would look alike or descriptive. He's 8t tall.
They're really small. They got big eyes. They got no eyes.
They got ears. They don't have ears. They smell like rose bushes.
I don't know. I Right. But we all have all these different ideas.
But if a spaceship landed and extraterrestrials walked in, we now have a conscious relationship with them. And what you wrote down really doesn't matter anymore, right? That's what this process is trying to get me.
I got to start with an idea and it's sufficient to make the approach. And I take that that belief that I have and and I take that into making the decision. Right?
I got to make this decision to turn my will and my life over to God. It's not my drinking, right? Because what I started to see is that I don't have this power.
I'm powerless. And I wish it was as simple as turning my drinking over to God, but it's not. I started to see that that lack of power is my dilemma.
And I uh I make lots of decisions throughout the day. Um I've had a decision that I've I've uh I've been making for roughly two years uh to clean up the workbench in my garage. And uh I got to tell you, almost every every Friday night as I'm going to bed, I'm thinking tomorrow's the day I'm going to clean that thing up.
And um to be quite honest with you, when I was leaving to come here, I put some stuff out of the car on top of the teetering stuff on the workbench. I'm like, "Oh well." Right? The thing with this these decisions is if if I make a decision to do that, but I don't follow it up with some kind of action, it's never going to happen.
Right? that page 62 I got to understand. So I like that that it uh after the they read the ABCs um it says being convinced we're at step three just what do we mean by that and just what do we do?
It's got that question a couple page laterers it tells me exactly how and why. It says page 62. And I I I I'm not kidding.
I heard the other day in a meeting a guy with like 18 years say I don't know how it works. I'm like there's a there's a whole chapter on it. What do you mean you don't know how what what what's your weird endg game here?
Who are you trying to fool? I mean is that going to help the newcomer? You're sober 18 years.
You don't know how it works. Buddy, you maybe you should get a sponsor. I don't know.
Right. But it says on the bottom of PAGE 62, THIS IS THE HOW and why of it. Huh?
It even says here's the how. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work.
Next, we decided decision that hereafter in this drama life, God's going to be the director. He is the principal. We his agents.
He's a father and we are his children. And I that's the decision that I'm making that if hereafter from this point forward when I make this decision, I'm going to seek direction from the director who is God. He is the principal.
He's the boss. I'm the agent. I'm supposed to work on behalf of him.
That's what an agent does. And he's the father and I'm the child. That means I got to trust him.
I got to trust God. I got to trust that he has my It's hard because new people, they they come in, they think that I'm going to turn my will life over to God. And as long as my life is heading towards that pile of money, that girl, that car, that job, it's God's will.
And as soon as it starts to GO THIS WAY, OH, THEY GRAB HOLD OF IT. THEY MUSCLE IT BACK. OH, SEE GOD'S WILL.
NO, THAT'S NOT that's I don't know what you call that in I started I had to look at my idea of what faith is cuz I always thought faith was this unknowing belief that things are going to go my way. No, Webster says that faith is loyalty. It means I'm going to go through with the process regardless of the outcome.
And thank God that that's I if I would have gotten what I was wanting, I would have sold my life way short. And I make this decision and I have to follow that up with a course of action. A uh uh bottom of page 63, it says after the decision, next we launch on this course of vigorous action.
The first of which is a personal house clean. I I start on step four. And I uh I love inventory.
I I I write inventory every year. I I I this last inventory I wrote, well, my my first inventory I wrote, I had uh 488 people on it and um seemed like a lot. My buddy had my buddy had 1,800, right?
It says on page 655, nothing counts but thoroughess and honesty. It says we go back through our lives, right? I'm not afraid to inventory.
the more the more God shows me, the freer I get. And and it says if I make this decision to the hereafter this drama left God's meeting director, I ask him for direction. I got to remember that inventory isn't Chris writing about Chris so Chris gets well.
It's Chris asking God to show me what I need to see to get free. And when I ask God to bring to mind everybody that I've ever been resentful with, oh my God, the floodgates open, right? Patty, third grade pulled my pants down.
Mrs. Robinson, first grade teacher, she got mad at me. I mean, all of these vomitous things came out and I hadn't thought of these names in years.
And I write down second column what they did to me. That's always the fun column. Ah, they did this, they did that.
And then I get to look at how it affected me. Ambition, pride, pock, persuasion, sexual relation, security. Uh, missing one.
Um, and then I got to go to the fourth column. And I I like the fourth column. Uh it it calls it the key to the future.
I I got to tell you, I I uh we have this as a topic sometimes in my home group and um it's a big deal. I know a lot of people who don't even know what the hell it means, but I mean if uh if um I was going to say Donald Trump, I'm not going to use that one. UM Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, comes up to you and says, "I got the key to your future." Would you listen to him?
Yeah, I'd probably write it down. Like, what? Right.
It's a very important thing. It says that the key to my future lies in this fourth column of this inventory. I remember asking my sponsor why why why is the key to my future?
He said, well, just think about that when when you're looking at your faults, your blame, your mistakes, not your part. Part's a very dangerous word for the fourth column because when I say part, what I'm really saying is I have a part. But that also means you got a part.
And if I remember correctly, I did my part because you did your part. And had you not done your part, I would have done my part. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
NOW I REMEMBER WHY I'M MAD. RIGHT? I'm looking for my fault.
I blame my mistake. Right? And it's it's amazing because I use that in my fifth step.
Right? when I read that's the exact nature of my wrongs where I was selfish self-seeking dishonest and afraid I use it in six and seven because of my character defects and shortcomings I also use it in my eighth step getting ready to go make all of my amends right because that's what I'm going to make amends for I use it in my ninth step because that is what I'm making amends for my faults my blame my mistakes I'm trying to set right these wrongs and then steps 10 and 11 when you when you really te te tease them apart it's nothing more than a short it. It's a daily version of a fourth column.
And I can't tell you how many times I've been in a 12step call and used a piece of my fourth column inventory that I swore I would never tell anybody. I would take to the grade and I use that to help a guy to see that he needs a there are 12 steps in AA, eight of which come from the fourth column. That's why it's the key to my future.
All of my future work I do from 67 forward comes from this. My understanding of what's going on. That's why it's the key to my future and why it's so important.
And it's I I got to follow the directions. It even says on on page 65, it says uh when you're looking at the example, it says uh our our our personal inventory is usually as definite as this definite. Usual means under normal condition, right?
I'm not special. I'm not a snowflake alcoholic individual and different. No, I'm I'm a run of the variety.
Got an allergy when I start. I'm gonna black out and God only knows what's gonna happen to me. Drunk, right?
I've had these people come up to me and and say, "Wow, you look at my forep." And I look at them like, "Well, what is that?" I mean, and I I I come from a lineage where we don't care about hurting your feelings. I care more about whether an alcohol lives or dies and how you feel about what I tell you. And I say, "That's not a fourep.
You can call it whatever you want, but that's not it doesn't look anything like the example on page 65." If we're supposed to follow directions and it says clear-cut directions you're given showing how recovered and your inventory doesn't look like it doesn't paid 65, I don't know what to tell you. Your cake's not going to come out very good. Right?
So, I I I I write my resentment inventory. I get I get I get a lot of freedom out of seeing um I I like page 62 talks about that um our problems we think are basically of our own making. very speculative.
We think, well, my experience is that it's not me, it's all of you. Had my dad hugged me and said he loved me, had my horri girlfriend not cheated on me, had Patty not pulled my pants down in third grade, my brothers were nice to me, I wouldn't be an alcoholic, right? That's my experience.
But they say, we think Ly, they're planting the seed, right? And so I get to go through this process of inventory and get to see that, oh wow, it was my fault, right? The freeing part of that is is I've been waiting my whole life for my girlfriend to come back and say, "I'm sorry for cheating on you.
My dad hugging me and saying he loved me. My brother saying we're sorry for pulling the eyes out of your stuffed animal." And then I could bless them and they go on their way and all is forgiven and all is right with the world. But what happens if these people are dead?
What happens if they aren't going to say they're sorry? What if they don't care about me? Then I'm screwed because my problems are of their making.
But because they're of my making, I got well regardless of what they did. I got recovered and nobody else had to change. What a miracle.
I like that it talks about on page uh 103 it says after all our problems of our own making. It went from speculative to conclusive. When I get through the process I saw that it was me.
It wasn't them. It's so freeing. And I I take this inventory that I've written and I read it.
I like that the inventory says person or persons, right? I was always encouraged to read more than one person. It's weird cuz I went from California where you read your inventory to like eight people.
I moved to Texas and they're like, "You read it to who? I read it to my sponsor and then I beat him to death and I bury them in the backyard cuz I DON'T WANT ANYBODY KNOWING THAT." I'm like, "What are you talking about? It says right here." And I when I tell people I read inventory to my wife, they're like, "What are you talking about?" I'm like, "It says you can read it to your wife.
It says that I can't disclose anything that's going to hurt her, right? I save those part for somebody else who'd be unaffected. But I think the why wouldn't I my wife's sober also.
Why would I not want to share this journey with her? I think the reason why my wife and I have such a great relationship today is because we share all of this. We don't have a program separate.
What I don't program is right here. It's it's this is what we do. We're supposed to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
This is AA and this is home and this is work. And then I wonder why I feel like I'm schizophrenic cuz I'm this guy in AA and this guy at home and this guy at work. No, I'm the same guy everywhere I go.
And the other great thing about reading inventory to multiple people is the more I read it, the less power it has, right? I read it once and the power gets I read. So when I get to amends and I'm making amends where I'm self-seeking, dishonest and afraid.
If I read it just one time now, this is the second time I'm looking at it and I'm I'm nervous. But if it's the ninth time you've talked about it, it's like I'm comfortable and I'm relaxed. I know what I'm talking about.
It's an amazing thing. It's a reason why they lay it out like this. And I I get to go through six and seven after I read my inventories and and discuss the exact nature of my wrongs.
And I I I used to think that willingness was the key to six and seven. Got to be willing. You got to be willing means not opposed to in mind, right?
But it doesn't say that. It says when ready, right? It says that we ask God to make us willing if we're not.
Being ready is the key. I uh my dad taught me to snow ski when I was really little, like six years old. Um went to Mammoth Mountain.
I wanted to go with him on the gondola, the very top um cuz he was going to ski down uh the cornis. I wanted to go. I was so willing to go.
So willing. We get up there and the drop off. It's about 12 feet, but in air, right?
I'm I'm this high. I'm I'm willing but I'm not ready. Right.
The thing is is that after I gotten older and I learned how to ski and I now I'm I'm ready. And it doesn't matter if I'm willing, right? The more ready I become, the more willing I am.
So don't focus on the willing. Get ready. And being ready means doing all the work in the book.
I get to move on. I I making amends to them all. Right?
So I got a list of all these people. my first inventory from the foreign people. I had 355 formula amends that I saw where I done harm that I had to make amends to.
And um seems like a lot because it is right. But I want to get free. I want what these guys have and and I go out and I start to make amends and and um my becoming willing to make amends to them all started in the rooms of AA.
It's amazing because if you go to a meeting and you share about how bad inventory is and how horrible making amends are and how you're not going to make amends, you know who's listening to that? New people. And when new people get into inventory, they're going to hate inventory and they're not going to make amends.
And you're robbing them, right? If you're too scared or don't understand enough to make amends, say that. Don't say, "I'm not I don't have to do that." The book says you got to be willing to make them all.
How I became willing to make amends to them all was by looking at the people who were making all their amends. Right? I love writing inventory and the freedom of of making amends.
I I uh my friend I I've got friends who went back to prison making amends. And uh this guy got uh he ended up cashing new cases a direct result of amends. He did what the book says.
He consulted with others and he's going to have to go back and serve four years. penitentiary time, right? And uh I asked him, "Why did you do that?
Why?" And he said, "Because I would rather be a truthful man carrying the message behind the walls than a liar sitting in these rooms with you people." And I was like, "Oh I have a hit and run that I got away with and it's hanging over here. How do you sit in a room with these people who are facing jail making amends and I'm not? I became willing.
I did what the book said. I consulted. So I went to my attorney said, "Hey, I'm I'm about to go and cop to a hit and run that I got away with and I'm on paper." He said, "Well, you need to get bailed out.
Call me. I'll come and get you. This is stupid, but you do a lot of this crazy stuff, so he's used to it.
So, I drive up to police station. I get all prayed up. I go inside and there's the death sergeant.
I don't know why they put the death sergeant elevated. I feel like I'm back in court, right? And this death sergeant looks down and I I I did exactly what what you do in a man.
So, I'm an alcoholic in order for me to stay sober. I clean the direction of my past inventory my life. I saw where I caused this police department and other people harm.
And I told them where I was self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid and how I done a hit and run. and I need to find the owner of that car and I I I need to make amends. And um the death sergeant, there's nobody in in in in the office.
He goes, "Son, I really admire what you're doing, but we're right now in the process of computerizing all of those records in order for me to find out this hit and run. It's going to take me I it'll be his and it will take him hours upon hours upon hours to try cuz I didn't even know the date of the accident. And he said, "I admire what you're doing.
Why don't you get the hell out of here before somebody else comes in?" I WAS LIKE, "LATER." RIGHT. GONE. RIGHT.
I got to tell you though that I have made amends that I like it. It talks about uh on page 77, yeah, I'm there to put my life in order, but my real purpose is to be a maximum service God and the people about me. I don't know what that's going to look like because I've seen people go to make amends and people get sober, right?
And I'm there to put my life in order, but I'm also there to carry a message and and to be of maximum service where God puts me. And I've faced other jail times and people have gotten sober. And so Patty third grade pulled my pants down right on the out on we're recess.
I'm like, "What the hell?" Right? Through a series of bizarre, this is before Google and internet, we we did things the oldfashioned way with white pages, right? Friend of a friend of a friend knew where Patty was.
I called Patty up. I'm 24. Wow.
Right. And uh I said, "Hey Patty, you won't remember me. My name's Chris Chun." She goes, "I remember you." I'm like, "Oh, wow.
This is going to be bad." And we arranged to meet coffee and uh I'm an alcoholic in order for me to stay sober. I cleaned the record of my past my life where I saw where I caused you harm and and uh and the stuff that happened when we were in third grade. And uh I thought this was a little tiny amends.
I thought she was going to hug me and say, "No big deal." And um I was waiting for the hug and when I when I answer the three questions I was taught to ask. Is there anything else that I've done you harm? How do all this affect you?
Because I need to understand that because I think I know how stuff affects people when I have no clue. And what can I do to make it right? It was an interesting conversation.
Um cuz she told me how I ruined her childhood and she went to years of therapy as a direct result of how I treated her and the reason why she pulled my pants down that day. and and we had a really good conversation when I asked her what I could do to make it right out of left field. She said, "I I I've been married for several years right now to an alcoholic who's been trying to get sober and he's been bouncing and out of AA for a long time.
Will you please meet with him?" >> Holy crap. Took my home group, you know, I'm getting sober. >> How does stuff like that happen?
I hear these people say, "Oh, that's that you don't have to make that amends. What are you talking about? Don't rob people from that.
Right? I I this one guy was telling me how his sponsor said he didn't have to make amends to his ex-girlfriend. I'm like, the book says that we're supposed to.
And I guarantee you the reason why that man is telling his spons because he's got amends that he needs to make to ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, and he doesn't want to make it. And rather than saying, "I'm too scared to do what AA dictates, I'm going to tell you you don't have to so I don't have to." And then people in meetings get mad at me for what I share. I've had people come up and what do you say and all that because it's right HERE IN THE BOOK.
Read it. Right. This one guy said, "If you ever contradict me again in a meeting, we're going to have a problem." I said, "Welcome, buddy.
You got a problem right now. I don't know who you think I am, but I'm not that guy. I'll throw blows right here.
I'm I'm not well." I promise you though that I will make amends to you when it's all over. Right. All of my heroes have a book of knowledge in one hand and a sword in the other, and I will defend it to the death.
I'm concerned about AA. I really am. I uh I need all of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you're a type one, they talk about Into the Wives, that's great. If you don't need to make amends, if you don't need to write inventory, if you don't have to do a a moving inventory and and do nightly reviews and upon awakenings and have service commitments and work with other alcoholics, that's great. But what happens when you sponsor a type four like me who drinks no matter what and you tell them just don't drink no matter what, right?
I I I am here for the guys who need all of AA and I carry the message to everybody whether you need it or not because that's my job. It's it's sometimes hard to I want to be liked. I always have my whole life.
I want to be liked and loved by friends and people and but in aa I'd rather be effective, right? And nowadays it's really hard and you can't be both. You can't.
My when I talk about the book people get mad at me. And I'm like, I don't care if you get mad at me. I'm care I care about the new guy who needs a AA.
That's why I'm here. I do a moving inventory every day. I took I I'm always watching out for self-donicy, resentment, and fear.
And when they crop up, I ask God to remove them at once. As soon as I I used to think that it said, "When these crop up, tell God to remove it right now." It's kind of what I thought it meant. And it says, "No, as soon as I recognize, I ask God to remove it." And I keep track of that stuff.
And I use that stuff to feed my nightly review. And and I I look at, do I need to make amends? Do I need to discuss this stuff with Myers?
What do I got to do? And I do my upon awakenings where I I'm asking God to divorce me of selfish or or self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives. I do all of this work because I want more God.
I have to I'm I was told that this is about growing in understanding and effectiveness. And when that stuff crops up, it separates me from you, from God, from everything. And I like the analogy of so when when they talk about things cropping up and growing and understanding effectiveness, I always relate that to to gardening, right?
Um I like growing pot, but I won't talk about growing pot. I'll talk about growing tomatoes. Uh they look alike, right?
So if you have a tomato garden, you have weeds, what do you do with them? Do you let them grow? No, you you pull them as they crop up right away.
And that's what I'm doing. I'm asking God to remove self-destruct resentments when they crop up. And the reason why I'm pulling weeds from my tomato garden isn't because they're robbing nutrients from the soil.
That's what a lot of people think. No, because certain types of weed attract certain types of bugs. And when the weed is gone, they're going to eat your tomatoes.
That's why I'm pulling these things when they crop up. It's not because it's robbing from me. It's because it attracts other stuff.
And I got to be careful of that cuz the other stuff that it attracts usually right behind that it's going to be a bottle of Jack Daniels and a blackout. Probably a lot of fun that I won't remember. Right.
So I I do all of AA and I I arrive at the 12th step and I used to think that the 12 step was having had a spiritual experience as a results of these steps. Somewhere between step one and step 12, I had this experience and now I'm never going to drink again. But it doesn't say spiritual experience.
This is a spiritual awakening. Having had it, I woke up. I already had the experience.
The experience happened my last drink cuz I couldn't get drunk anymore. And God stopped that and he took it away from me. I can't get drunk today even if I want to.
A lot of people say being powerless is drinking when you want to stay sober. And I understand that. But I've met people who wanted to get drunk and God wouldn't let that happen.
That's powerless. You don't have the power to get drunk even if you want to. That's what I'm after.
I want to be recovered. I want all of it. I'm I've I've always been that guy all the way all in all.
There's not a lot of gray area with me. There's just not. The life I have today is so amazing.
when I submitted myself to this process and I made all of my amends because I believe in making all of them so I can walk around a free man and not worry about who I see or what I've done. And I've got a great marriage with outstanding women in Alcoholics Anonymous who sponsors a dozen people who's active in our home group. I we have this great AA life and we've got two kids.
I've got a boy who just turned six who looks just like me, but he's blonde. It's the weirdest thing. I married this Texas girl and in uh it's so strange to see me, but it's blonde.
I'm like, what? And I love that boy so much. I've got a 2 and 1/ halfyear-old baby girl, the first girl born in my family in 75 years.
And I almost missed this whole life because of drinking, right? I have such an amazing life. It it says um page 89 89, nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.
And that's what I do, right? Intensive means to the limit of safety. I have to figure out how many guys I got to sponsor that will kill me and go black one click, right?
That's what you do. Intensive, man. And additionally, the more guys I work with, people think that that's less time I have for my life.
The weird thing is the more people I work with, the more time I have for my life, right? My life is just so amazing. And and to watch this fellowship grow up about me and to watch these guys get well and have these great lives and and to be able to go to Minnesota to carry the message.
I get to go all over the place and do this stuff. My guidance counselor in high school owes me an apology, right? You're not going to amount to anything.
You're a criminal. Well, merry Christmas to you, too, lady. I mean, I'll end with a story.
I don't know where we're at time-wise. I forgot to look, but uh blackout drinker. Uh he's always coming in blackouts, coming out, doesn't comes out of blackouts, doesn't know where he's at.
One time he comes out of a blackout and he's in a hole. He don't know how he got there. He's looking up.
He tries to get out. He can't get out. He starts screaming for help.
HELP. PLEASE, SOMEBODY come and get me out of here. And his mom and dad walks UP AND SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING down there, son?" He said, "I don't know.
I got I came out of black. I'm stuck in a hole. Will you please help me?
Please help me get out of here." He said, "WELL, IF YOU JUST TRY HARDER, YOU CAN GET OUT OF THERE." I I'm trying as hard as I can. They said, "Well, we don't know what to do." So, they left. He's stuck down in the hole.
Well, thanks a lot. So, he keeps screaming and along comes a priest. Priest looks down the hole.
Hey, oh, thank God. Will you please help me get out of here? And so the priest, he starts preaching to him.
So the guy in the hole is looking up, listen to this, and all he feels is worse. He feels guilty and guiltier as the priest keeps talking. He says, "WELL, I CAN'T do any of that." And the priest leaves.
He starts screaming again. "Oh my god, PLEASE TELL ME to come and help me." And all of a sudden, a doctor comes along, looks down the hole. Oh, thank God, doctor.
Will you please get me out of this hole? He pulls out a bottle of pills and throws him down. HE EATS THE BOTTLE OF PILLS, RIGHT?
He feels good, but he realizes he's still in this hole. Help, somebody please get me out of this hole. Along comes a recovered alcoholic.
So, oh, thank you. Will you please help me get out of this hole? AND THE ALCOHOLIC JUMPS IN THE HOLE.
AND THE GUY GOES, "WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? WE'RE BOTH STUCK in this hole." And Kai said, "Don't worry about it, man.
I've been in this hole before. Here's a big book. It contains directions on how to get out of here.
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