From Selling Drugs to Finding God: AA Speaker – Todd M. – Cleveland, OH
AA speaker Todd M. from Cleveland shares his journey from living in a dumpster at 15, selling drugs internationally, to finding sobriety and God through AA.
Todd M. from Cleveland, OH lived in a Harlem dumpster for two years as a teenager, got detained in China for carrying heroin, and met President Reagan under the worst circumstances. This AA speaker tape follows his journey from the streets to seven years of sobriety, focusing on how trust in his sponsor and a relationship with God transformed everything. Todd walks through the fear that kept him isolated and how the fellowship taught him he didn’t have to face recovery alone.
This AA speaker meeting features Todd M. from Cleveland sharing his transformation from teenage homelessness and international drug trafficking to finding sobriety through trust and spiritual connection. Todd discusses how fear of abandonment kept him relapsing until he learned to risk trusting his sponsor and developed a relationship with God. The talk emphasizes that gratitude is an action word and recovery happens in the 23.5 hours between meetings, not just during them.
Episode Summary
Todd M. opens with a simple truth that defines his entire share: “Everything good in my life comes because of Alcoholics Anonymous.” Speaking with seven years of sobriety after multiple attempts since 1993, Todd doesn’t dwell long on his drinking stories, though the glimpses he offers are stark. At fifteen, he lived in a Harlem dumpster for two years and called it a condominium. Years later, he found himself detained in China, carrying top secret information and 2.2 pounds of heroin, which led to meeting President Reagan in the Oval Office under circumstances that still make him cringe.
But this isn’t a war story. Todd’s message centers on something deeper: learning to trust when trust felt impossible. The turning point came during his seventh year of attempts when his sponsor died just as Todd faced bankruptcy and felt completely defeated. His co-sponsor, whose story “Gutter Bravado” appears in the fourth edition of the Big Book, looked him in the eye and said something that cut through all the fear: “You’re going to have to risk trusting somebody, and if you don’t, you’re going to die.”
Todd’s response was raw and honest: “Okay, I’ll risk it, but if you hurt me, I’ll kill you.” That moment of terror mixed with willingness became the foundation of everything that followed. His sponsor simply replied, “Trust is a must,” and something shifted. For the first time, Todd allowed someone to know the real him, not the version he thought would be acceptable.
The fear of abandonment ran deep. Growing up in foster homes without stability, Todd never invited anyone over because he was always afraid of what might happen. This same fear followed him into the rooms where he spent years focusing on differences rather than similarities. He’d sit in meetings thinking, “That’s not me, I never did that,” staying perpetually uncomfortable and separate.
His sponsor’s death on Todd’s birthday in 1999 demonstrated the depth of AA relationships. Todd was at breakfast when his sponsor passed, and he knew with certainty it was intentional—that his sponsor knew Todd couldn’t handle being there when it happened. “That’s Alcoholics Anonymous, man. That’s the 12 steps in action,” Todd reflects, seeing even in death how one alcoholic looked out for another.
The transformation that followed sobriety brought opportunities Todd never imagined. He shares the stage with motivational speaker Zig Ziglar, travels the country as a professional mentor, and has built the family he never had growing up. Yet even years sober, that scared kid sometimes surfaces. At Ziglar’s 80th birthday party, surrounded by successful people, Todd felt the familiar voice saying he didn’t belong. But this time was different—his mentor reminded him that feeling out of place is human nature, not just an alcoholic thing.
This shift in perspective—looking for similarities instead of differences—changed everything for Todd. AA speaker talks on spiritual awakening often describe this moment when the internal shift happens, and for Todd it was learning to find connection rather than separation wherever he went.
Todd emphasizes that real recovery happens in the 23.5 hours between meetings. “God wants to see your prayers, not hear them,” he explains. His daily prayer remains simple: “God, let me be useful.” Whether picking up trash while walking or being available for another drunk, Todd sees usefulness as the core of his program.
The spiritual dimension of his recovery is evident throughout his share. During a recent church service in Atlanta where he was teaching a pastor about real estate, the pastor’s wife sang a hymn about “beyond your wildest dreams, the best is yet to come”—the same phrase from an AA speaker tape by Lloyd E. that had moved him years earlier. Standing in that church, she pointed directly at him while singing, and Todd felt God’s presence so strongly he cried like a baby, thinking only of gratitude for AA and the chain of people who kept the doors open.
His relationship with his wife and two sons represents the family stability he never knew growing up. Even the small things matter—like having to make amends at dinner for snapping when his wife put away papers he was looking for. These daily inventory moments, checking whether he’s making good choices that lead to good results or bad choices that bring consequences, keep his recovery grounded in practical spirituality.
AA speaker meetings on sponsorship and carrying the message frequently highlight how one alcoholic helping another creates the foundation of recovery. Todd learned this from watching old-timers like the gentleman who taught him to “listen with your eyes” and from his sponsor’s willingness to take him to a funeral for someone Todd didn’t even know, where only four people showed up but Todd had the honor of being a pallbearer.
The message Todd carries is ultimately about love and the power of “we”—the first word in the first step. “The greatest joy in my life is being able to help another drunk,” he says, “and the greatest joy I have is the fact that my greatest weakness has become my greatest strength.” The scared kid who wanted to grow up to be Howard Hughes so he could hide from the world now stands completely comfortable in his own skin, unashamed of who he is or where he’s been.
Todd closes with quotes from Thomas Merton and Wendell Berry, emphasizing that recovery is about daily choices and the responsibility to reach back for others. His life today—mentoring pastors, traveling sober, having a home instead of just a house—exists because people before him kept the doors open for someone living in a dumpster. Now his job is to do the same: reach down, grab somebody, and offer them a hand.
Notable Quotes
Everything good in my life comes because of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You’re going to have to risk trusting somebody, and if you don’t, you’re going to die.
Trust is a must.
God wants to see your prayers, not hear them.
The greatest joy I have is the fact that my greatest weakness has become my greatest strength.
Spiritual Awakening
Early Sobriety
Fear & Anxiety
Gratitude
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Full Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
>> Hi everybody, my name is Todd Marage. I'm an alcoholic. Join me in the serenity prayer, please. God, >> grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Um, God let me be useful. Amen. Um, thank you very much for having me. Um, I got to tell you, everything good in my life comes because of Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh, Advanced Grace. Um, the presence and a relationship because of God and with God. Um, and it didn't used to be like that.
Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me the opportunity to get to know a God, to get me to understand an opportunity and to have a relationship with God and to understand understand and to believe in and to have faith in gratitude. And gratitude is an action word. Um, I I've been doing this since 1993. My sobriety date is February 29th of 2000. You do the math. Um, obviously I'm not very good at it. And um, I don't know much, but I do know this. This thing works. And one of the biggest things that I know about how this works is I don't do it alone. Um, and it took me an awful long time to figure that out. out and I figured it I figured that out by making mistakes.
Um, Alcoholics Anonymous has uh provided me the opportunity to see an awful lot and um, there's been an awful lot of opportunities from my home group, Newberg, to meet some amazing people who have uh, provided me some great examples to learn to listen with my eyes. M um there was a gentleman in my home group who used to always say listen with your eyes and I used to think what's he talking about you know and Alcoholics Anonymous is full of all those kinds of sayings you know you go to a meeting and you see all those fancy little sayings on the wall think one day at a time this two shall pass and I be like what are they talking about and I didn't get it and I I didn't understand it. And and I had a buddy of mine in my life back then and I used to go, "What's that mean?" You know, and he'd say, "Listen with your eyes." And you know, and he used to say, "If you stayed around long enough, you'd meet people who were genuinely concerned with your well-being." And that person was Lee Perkins. And Lee Perkins was my sponsor. And Lee Perkins was the most genuinely kind, gentle men I had ever known in my entire life. One of the sweetest, kindest men I I I have ever known.
He He died with such dignity. He lived with such dignity. Um he had the steps in every part of his life. Um he was married for a very long time and I had the privilege of being in his home very many times and uh he died on my birthday in December of 99. And I always say that Lee died on my birthday on purpose. Um, I would go to the hospital every single day and I would sit with him and I would cry and cry and cry and Lee would look at me and and he was dying of emphyma and he couldn't talk and he would just look at me with those sober eyes and he would just tell me that it was going to be okay.
And the morning of my birthday, December 6th of 1999, I had a phone call from a very good friend who said, "It's your birthday. Happy birthday. Let me take you out for breakfast." And I said, "No, I got to get to the hospital. You know, I know Lee's not going to last much longer." And she said, "It's an hour. Let me buy you breakfast." And you know, to this very day, I don't pass up free food. I don't I love to eat. And you know, food for me is not just free food, but breaking bread with somebody, you know, in my life is really important. And Domingo is here tonight with me and I thank you for being here and thank you for being my friend. And and Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that. Taught me how to be a friend and taught me what friendship is all about. And you know, I'm honored to have the few friends that I have. And we had the chance tonight to break bread together and and that's really special to me.
Um, and so this person person took me out to breakfast and I got a call when I got home. There was a voicemail on my phone that said, "Don't go to the hospital. Call me before you get to the hospital." And I called Alice and Alice said Lee passed away 40 minutes ago. And I knew with every fiber of my being that he did it on purpose because the day before I knew he was dying. And I say he did it on purpose because I knew that if I was at the hospital when he died, I wouldn't be here today. And he did it unselfishly, not that he did it on purpose like to hurt me. He did it because he knew I couldn't handle it if I was there. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous, man. That's the 12 steps in action.
Um, you know, John Barenza was a guy who was in my life for a very long time. And another guy that if you didn't know John, you'd think he was an ogre. He was one of those old grumpy AAS and and uh you know during this time in my life I wasn't working. You know I I owned my own company and you know I had a business card that said president and he called me up one day and he said what are you doing? I said nothing. He said of course not you don't have a job. And people were scared of John including me. And he said I want you here tomorrow morning 9:00 with a suit and tie on. I said, 'Well, why'? He said, ' Cuz I said, so I said, 'Well, where are we going?' He said, 'What do you care? You got nothing going on in your life.' I said, 'You got it. And you know, I thought about it and I said, I'll be there.
And and there's so many people who have taught me just to show up. And I showed up that morning and John Barenza took me to a funeral for the wife of an Alcoholics Anonymous member. And I had the privilege of being a pawbearer for somebody who I didn't even know. But there was four people at that funeral and I was one of them. And I carried this woman's casket and we buried her. And I know the privilege and opportunities and honor that it's been in my life to be useful. And you know that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is to me. Vic Zublick always used to tell me, "Be useful." And and when you got an opportunity to be useful, do it. And do the little things, Todd. You know, and today, one of the things that I love doing is picking up a piece of paper as I'm walking along, picking up a piece of trash and going, "God have mercy on those most in need and then throwing it out." And that's what I believe is Alcoholics Anonymous in action.
And and I could spend 47 billion days standing before you tonight and telling you story after story after story about drink trouble, drink trouble, drink trouble. And my favorite drink was 151 and Tangare gin mixed together. And I do not know anything about social drinking. Um I I was telling a story to my sons yesterday. Domingo, Matthew Ryder, and I were out. I I took the boys to a skate park. They're real into skateboarding. One's 13, one's 11. And we went to uh what is it? Lakewood Park, I think it is. And the boys wanted to go skateboarding. And we all went to lunch before they went to the park. And I had the opportunity and privilege to meet President Reagan. And it wasn't because I was doing something right.
Um I got detained in China. I got escorted out of the country. You know, I hear people stand behind the podium saying, "I got thrown out of a bar. I got thrown out of a country in in 1986." It was cuz I was carrying top secret information and 2.2 lb of heroin. Uh, so I know drink trouble. And my wife being the lovely woman that she is when Ryder a year or so ago was talking about how interested he was in presidents. We were sitting and having dinner and Ryder was going, "Yeah, you know the president, they must have been studying it in school." And Ryder said, "We were learning about presidents and you know, my wife being the woman she is, she says, "Honey, why don't you tell them the story about how you met President Reagan?" And and I kind of slouched in my chair and went, "Do I have to?" And I do. And I did. And and the kids teased me about that. But you know, I I stood in the Oval Office and went, "Wow, I'm in the Oval Office." And I went, "Whoops." Oh, yeah. And not for anything good. And so I did. I got the opportunity to meet President Reagan.
And you know, as I say, I could tell you story after story after story about bad things and lots of trouble, but since, you know, February 29th of 2000, I've had amazingly wonderful things happen like sharing the stage with Zig Ziggler. And, you know, I I travel all over the country doing a job that I'm amazed that I get to do. I I've sat at a table with Zig Ziggler and Rudy Giuliani and Coen Powell who I worked for in the military who came to China to get me and I've been able to make amends and you know it's just amazing that I do what I do and I'm I'm able to do it because of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Um gratitude is action and my life is amazing today and you know so I'm not going to spend a lot of time doing a drunk collog. Um, drinking caused an amazing amount of trouble. And we were talking on the way here about how much stuff I gave away. And we were talking about the choices that we make and and the priorities and and the mindset that we as alcoholics can have. And I I have a a funny little mind. And it's little. It's very little sometimes. You know, I choose to stay positive. And I wake up every morning and say, "God, let me be useful." And the idea is that I I get up and I heard it in a lead one time from somewhere and I don't remember where it was, but somebody said, "God wants to see your prayers, not hear them." and and I could be a great AA for an hour, throw a buck a buck in the basket and walk out and then go home and beat my dog, you know, and I don't even have a dog.
But, you know, the point is, what do I do for 23 and 1/2 hours or 22 and 1/2 hours? And, you know, for me, Alcoholics Anonymous is between when I leave here and when I come back. and Alcoholics Anonymous and the people that I've, you know, know and have seen have taught me how to live. And and when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't know anything about spiritual principles or values. I had none, you know. I mean, at the age of 15, I slept in a dumpster for 2 years and and called it a condominium. I I I felt comfortable enough in my own stuff that I had people over, you know, hey, come on over to my place. you know, I lived in Harlem, New York in a dumpster and it was okay with me.
Um, today I happen to live in Westlake and, you know, I have a home and it's a home. Um, when I was growing up, I didn't have a home. I lived in foster homes or houses and I I never invited anybody over my house because I was always afraid of what was going to happen and never knew what was going to happen. And there was no stability in my life. And I I was always, you know, a scared little kid. And and I don't live in fear of anything anymore. I do get afraid. I I remember when I sat with all of those people. I I was in Dallas, Texas, and I I was introduced to Zig Ziggler, who one of my heroes, and I went, "Wow." And this little thing inside of me went, "Oh, I'm this little kid. What am I doing here?" like I didn't deserve it.
And God wants us to have all of the wonderful things in our life that we want. And that scared little kid started to come out. And I went, "Oh, I don't belong here." And I went, "Yeah, I do. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. If God wants me to be here, I have to find a reason to be here and to be useful here." And it was Zigg's 80th birthday. And and I turned to my one of my mentors and I said, "Jim, what am I doing here?" He said, "You belong here just like everybody else." Because Jim knows me very well and knows my story. And I went, "What do I have to offer?" And he said, "Todd, you're just like the rest of us. Quit giving yourself a hard time for that, man. Let that stuff go." I said, "I struggle with that." He said, "You know what? God's forgiven you. You've changed the way you live. and you got to learn to let that go.
And Zigg came over and he said, "Why are you beating yourself up?" And I went, "You know, I guess there's just times where I feel like I don't fit in still." He said, "But you're just one of us. We're all God's children." And it was really cool because here I am all these people that I don't feel like I fit in and yet I'm just like the rest of them. And so even a few years sober, it's human nature for us to find ourselves in situations where we get to that place where we don't feel like we fit in. And Jim, who's not in AA, said, "You know what, Todd? The very first time I met Zig Ziggler, I didn't feel like I fit in." And I went, "Oh." He said, "It's human nature." And that was interesting because I thought it was just an alcoholic kind of thing. And I think it isn't. And I used to always think it was. And it kept me different.
And my my grandponsor told me one time, he said, you know, we have to find ways to fit in. We have to find ways to identify. And if we can go to a meeting and we can sit there and we can look at all those things that are different or we can choose to find all those things that are the same. And since that the paradigm shift for me has become everywhere I go I look for things that are the same and look for similarities instead of things that are different. And I'm comfortable anywhere I go. I find things that make me comfortable or similar instead of being there going, "Oh, I'm not like you. Oh, we're not the same." Yes, we are. You know, I'm not a woman alcoholic, but yet we feel the same. We've been through the same stuff.
And I remember from 93 to 2000, everywhere I went, I was like, "Oh, that's not me. That's not me. Oh, I never did that." And no wonder I was always uncomfortable. And my life is completely different. And the biggest thing that happened for me that made it different was that in 99 when Lee died, right around that time I was going through bankruptcy. I had started buying houses and investing in real estate without really knowing what I was doing. And I turned to my sponsor, my co-sponsor, who's my sponsor now, and uh Paul Gdick, a member of the Newberg group. His story is in the fourth edition of the Big Book. Um they named it Gutter Bravvada, which I love. You know, here I am laying in the gutter, but man, I'm good. I'm okay. I I get that. You know, I get that. And Paul is just an absolutely amazing guy.
Um, he turned to me and he said, "You know what? You're going to have to risk it." I said, "Paul, I'm scared to death, man. And I know that I'm going to die. If I drink anymore, I'm going to die." He said, "You're going to have to risk trusting somebody, and if you don't, you're going to die." I said, "Well, I'm sitting here talking to you and I know that if I don't trust you, I'm going to die." And he said, "Todd, I had to do it with Tim. you're going to have to do it with me and if you don't do it, you're going to die. And I said, "Well, okay. I'm willing to do it, but if you hurt me, I'll kill you." Cuz that's just how scared I was. He said, "Don't you think I felt like you?" I said, "That's easy for you to say. You're 10 years sober, you know, and you you guys always do that to the new guy. I know that trick." He said, "It's not a trick. Tim reached out for me. I'm reaching out for you." I said, "Okay, I'll risk it, but if you hurt me, I'll kill you."
And I, you know, I don't I couldn't hurt anybody probably, but I was scared enough. And I risked it. And he turned to me and he he said it so sincerely, it just kind of reached right through all that fear. And he said, "Trust is a must." And I don't know how many times I've heard those little funny sayings, but that one night it just walked right through all the fear, right through all those, you know, pride or false pride and all of those things right to my soul. And it was like he just reached his hand out and he said, "We do this together." And from that day that is this, I've allowed him to get to know the real me because up to that point it was if you find out who I am, you'll kick me out. I've been kicked out of some amazing places and I've always been afraid. Deep inside myself, it was always about you were going to kick me out. If you get to know who I really am, you're not going to like me. And I want you to like me. I want you to accept me and I'm scared. It's that scared little kid who grew up to be a scared little kid.
And my life's become an amazing thing and an amazing journey. And the fact that I can stand here and be honest with you is an amazing result of God's grace. The fact that I've been able to work steps into my life on a daily basis and be able to live according to spiritual principles and have values in my life is an amazing result of somebody's willingness to look me in the eye and say, "You're safe." The fact that somebody's been able to share values with me and show me values and say, "You can have these, too." is a gift. I was listening to Bill Wilson's lead earlier today and it was the day that Dr. Bob died and the fact that two drunks gave us this and the opportunity for one drunk to help another and say you don't have to do this alone and that we can do this together and we never have to be alone. and that the message that they share with us is if you trust me enough to place your heart in my hands, I will never violate that trust and we can walk together and get well and grow and have an amazing life cuz it's so much more than don't drink and go to meetings. And we can do an amazing thing by sharing that with others.
I mean, there's millions of people that are sober. I've had the privilege of traveling all over the world sober and see amazing things and hear amazing stories. And every time I get to do that, I get more grateful. And then I have more responsibility to do more. You know, I heard at Newird, I owe I owe big time. And the more I get, the more I have to give. And Lee always used to say, the harder I work, the luckier I get. And I am a pretty lucky guy. Um, it's been hard work and I've worked pretty hard to get where I am. and and I I understand that every day it starts over.
Um I have a wonderful family and I never had a family, you know. Um Mother Mother Teresa is one of my idols because um she worked with throwaways, man. She worked with the dredges of society and I really identify with that, I guess. And she said in one of her quotes, and I love quotes because they're like oneliners, and that's about as good as I get in regards to remembering stuff, you know, I got a little brain. And uh she said, "I can't do what you can do. You can't do what I can do, but together we can do great things." And that's aa to me. And the greatest joy in my life is being able to help another drunk. and to work with somebody and build a relationship and a friendship. And the greatest joy I have is the fact that my greatest weakness has become my greatest strength. The fact that I'm an alcoholic has become the greatest strength I have.
When I was a little kid, I wanted to grow up to be Howard Hughes. And and the reason I wanted to be Howard Hughes was because he was wealthy enough to hide. And I was a scared little kid who wanted to be a recluse. And today I stand before you completely unafraid of letting you in. You know, completely comfortable in my own skin and completely unashamed of who I am or where I've been or what I've done. And that's because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps that are active in my life. You know, if you want to know if I'm a good AA, ask my friends, call my wife. And today would be a good day to call her. You know, today was a pretty good day, you know. And that's just me being able to be honest cuz, you know, yesterday wasn't really a great day. And and you know, today wasn't a great day either. I had to make amends right at dinner. I snapped at her because she put some papers away. I was looking for a poem that I wanted to share with you. And you know, she has a habit of putting things away for me. And and it's like, why did you touch my stuff? Well, you left it out. No, I left it out so I could find it cuz I never remember where I put stuff, you know.
And uh I was thinking about my lead as I always do, which is silly, but the biggest message I have for anybody that I ever want to share anything with is is love, you know, um and gratitude. And I used to stand up and talk about all my escapades and oh I did this and it's just so unnecessary for me today. Not that I haven't. Believe me boy, you know. Oh, my heart is so full and my life is so full. I love Alcoholic Anonymous and and I love the fact that they gave a guy like me an opportunity. You guys kept the doors open for a guy like me to come here and get a shot. And you know, I told you the ma the math isn't great. I've been coming here since 93 and I'm only 7 years sober. So when I came back in here or I sat in rooms like this loaded, you guys just said, "Keep coming back. It's okay."
I I remember sitting at the straight up group at Stella Maris throwing up on myself in the middle of the meeting and people just looked at me. I one one lady I remember she she spent the whole meeting shooting spitballs at me while I was throwing up on myself. And then I stood up at the end of the meeting like I had something really profound to say like I didn't say enough just by sitting there throwing up and said don't end up like me. You know what a great example that was already but you know I had to you know be profound and say don't end up like me. I heard a lead by by a guy by the name of Lloyd E from right outside of Skenctity, New York. He they called him Indian Joe. Great lead tape I heard. And he used to say, "For true for true, beyond your wildest dreams, the best is yet to come."
And I'm a professional mentor and speaker by trade. And I was in Atlanta just a couple weeks ago teaching a pastor and his wife about real estate. And I went to church on a Sunday with them. And the pastor's wife sang this song about beyond your wildest dreams, the best is young yet to come. And it's a hymn. And I stood in that mass and I cried like a baby. And I just felt the presence of God in my life. And that song just moved me to tears. And all I could think about was Alcoholics Anonymous and God in my life. And the fact that as good as I have it, I know that sobriety is the most important thing in my life. and that you people gave me the opportunity to be standing in that church in Atlanta sober, helping a man of God better his life. And that Lloyd E's message is in my ear as she's singing. And it was funny because we had talked about that song and that saying before the mass and she was singing and she pointed at me and and I'd never been in a church where somebody sang and pointed at me like she was saying this is for you and and just how God worked that day. And I'm thinking thank you Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you God and thank you guys.
I I have it so good. Um my life is really full and there have been so many people like Tommy Cusk when I relapsed and I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came back to Newberg. Tommy Cusk was a guy who had a a great ponytail down to his waist and wore a leather jacket and hung out with new new kids. You know, he was 60 or 70 years old, a hippie. and he had these crystal clear blue eyes and Joy Gobbert grabbed me and brought me right to Tommy and said he can't stay sober and I was like, "Oh, great. Thanks a lot." You know, I'm like, "I need this." And I thought I was going to get a lecture and get kicked out. And Tommy grabbed me and he looked me right in the eye and he said, "Todd, what's the matter?" And I was like shocked that he even knew my name. And I said, "Tommy, I can't stay sober. I don't know what's wrong." and he held me by the hand and he looked me right in the eye and he had those eyes that you knew he loved you and he cared and that's kind of different in my life and I said I don't know he said pray for clarity and I went home that night and I got on my knees and I said God Tommy Q sick and you were tight and he told me to pray for clarity I don't know what it means I don't know what it's supposed to do. But if if he's got it and he got it from you, I want it and I want it now. And you better give it to me because I want what he has.
And I went right back to him the next week and I said, "He didn't give it to me and I want it and and I got to have it. I got to stay sober." He said, "Did you stay sober this week?" And I said, "Yep." He said, "Well, then you got it." And and you know, I had people in my life regularly giving me little things like that. And I continue to have people in my life like that. And the best thing in my life today is the first word and the first step and that's we. And I had it before I even understood what it was. And the biggest responsibility in my life today is to do that for somebody else. And I I pray every day that I live up to that responsibility. That is the most important thing in my life today is to be available and to be useful just a little bit every day.
Um because I uh I want to read a couple of things to you. One opens the inner doors of one's heart to the infinite silences of the spirit out of whose abysses love wells up without fail and gives itself to all. And that's by Thomas Merin. And if you're not familiar with Thomas Merin, you should be. Um, wonderful writers, um, who Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson were very familiar with. Direct your eyes right inward, and you'll find a thousand regions in your mind yet undiscovered. Travel them and be expert in home cosmography. And that's Henry Henry David Thorough. The life we want is not merely the one we have chosen and made. It is the one we must choose must be choosing and making. That's one of my favorite quotes and that's Wendleberry Bry.
Um because this is a daily thing and every day we need to be making right choices and right decisions and it's something that I constantly take a look at. Um, my sobriety and my recovery is based on good choices and it's something that I look at the 10th step every day. You know, um, my inventory is is based on taking a look at what I did, you know, 86 and 87, who did I hurt today? And if I'm blessed enough to be looking at that on a regular basis, and I need to, am I making good choices? And if I make good choices, I get good results. If I make bad choices, I get consequences. Consequences are really painful. You know, I got here because uh my best thinking at that point got me here. Um my thinking has changed because I was able to trust someone enough to help me understand that my thinking was not good. And today with the input of others, my thinking is changing.
Um, this is another one that I really enjoyed. Know your limits, not so that you can honor them, but so that you can smash them to pieces and reach for magn magnificence. And this is Tony Robbins. Um, you probably seen him on TV. uh I've had the privilege of meeting him and uh he's a guy who talks about growing and uh his personal achievement and those kinds of things and I it's part of what I do in my life today is work. Life is a gift and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give back by becoming more. That's Anthony Robbins. And then finally, I'm going to close with this. I am a seeker of truth on a spiritual journey. I have deep things to learn. May I learn them honorably. I have good things to offer. May I offer them generously. I am where I need to be. I am doing what I need to be doing. May I be a simple, humble, kind presence on the earth today. May my actions today reflect my deepest beliefs. May I be grateful to those who came before me and may I make the road smoother for those who will tra travel them after me.
My life is what it is because of those who have come before me and opened the doors and and they provided me the opportunity to stand before you. I would not be here if it was not for those of you that have been here before me and allowed me the opportunity to reach up and have somebody reach into the gutter and offer me a hand. I cannot thank you enough except to reach back, reach down, grab somebody and offer them a hand. Um, gratitude is an action and I pray every day that I do what I am responsible to do and that's offer a hand to somebody else. I am so grateful that you guys have allowed me the opportunity and privilege to stand before you and be myself and and I thank God and I thank you for allowing me the privilege to share who I am openly and honestly and I thank you for that.
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