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I think we're good. You might want to check it. Hi guys, I'm Robbie.

I'm an alcoholic. >> Recovered alcoholic. And I uh thank Annie for opening that up and keeping it uh real simple for us and it's an honor to uh share this this um event with with Annie and with all of you guys and with Chris and and the and the team here.

So I I do want to start with thanking you guys. I know it's it it takes a lot to start a new meeting and find a church and get through all that and you know get people out here and you all and you know obviously did an awesome job and got a lot of people out here tonight and so I'm excited about this new meeting. I know it's uh whenever there's a new meeting out call anonymous it's exciting but definitely a little uh pocket of enthusiasm here which is awesome and uh I don't know what else we're going to talk about.

I guess we'll wing it. I wish I could get five minutes and and sit down, let you guys talk. You guys are stuck with me for an hour.

So, we'll see how this goes. Um, I always say I don't know what we're going to talk about. We talk about the same thing every time, but try to leave it to the the spirit of the universe and and God and just ask him to whatever he sees fit to to have me share with you uh to just have that come out to remove me from the room and remove me from and my ego, you know, from the whole situation and and try to just show up tonight in a spirit of helpfulness and see how I can be of helpfulness to you guys in any way.

And and and that's just by sharing with you what you guys have shared to me. it's just my turn to to give it back to you and and that's how we go around and around in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, so we're definitely going to talk a little bit about the malady, the spiritual malady that we call alcoholism and talk a little bit about how that showed up in my life.

In fact, we'll probably talk about how it shows up in my life today and uh we'll talk about how uh these steps show up in my life today and and hopefully I can bring you a message of hope. I do believe that every meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous is just meant to to spread a little bit of hope. You know, that's what we're all doing here.

We're either here to to find some hope or we're here to to share a little bit of hope. And and so I uh I'm so grateful that Alcoholics Anonymous was here when I came in and and somebody took the podium and shared some hope with me. And sometimes I think that we don't see how big that is.

you know, when we show up in service in AA, when you show up in any way at all, there's all kind, you know, it's funny. We come in here and and we're broken a and and then we try to kind of work ourselves up through the ladder in AA to be a service member and make coffee and and clean out ashtrays and and help people park their cars. And that's like the highest level of service you can get to an AA is maybe make some coffee, you know, show up at some business meetings and move chairs and tables around and and thank God for it.

You know, if we had some hierarchy thing, it's so funny. It's this uh it's funny how we operate. It's like when I'm out there, first of all, I'm drinking.

I'm making up some kind of story that I that I can drink more than you and I could drink you under the table any day. Then I then the alcoholism gets so bad and and and I'm suffering from this from this alcoholism and I start lying. I tell you, I don't drink that much.

I really can't drink that much. I just drink a little bit. And then the game is when we get here then we start talking about we drank more than we really did cuz that makes us sound better.

You know, I drank way more than you. My sponsor could beat up your sponsor and I I meditate. How long do you meditate?

20 minutes me 25. You'll get there. And it's so funny.

It's just like we have all this ego that comes into play and the end of the day it's about two alcoholics at a at a kitchen table the big book open. You know what I mean? That's what it's all about.

And and I'll come out here and do things like this cuz I owe Alcoholics Anonymous a debt that I get chills. I don't know why every time even even comes to my thought a debt that I could never repay Alcoholics Anonymous. What I owe you guys is so far beyond driving a couple hours come out here and talk to you guys.

It's just, you know, I wake up every day and I know that there's a debt to to Alcoholics Anonymous that I need to give back today in any way that I can. And and if that's from here from a podium talking to you guys, so be it. But on a good day, it's a kitchen table with a new girl.

You know, that's that's where I love to be and that's what AA is. And but it's the love that we share in this room, too. It's that energy that we all have.

It's the energy that we give to each other. We come into AA and we're broken and and and and and we're lost and and and we feel hopeless and and that that state of of hopelessness of mind and body and spirit. And that's why we talk about being a recovered alcoholic because today I've recovered from that state today.

Today I've recovered from that state. I I was removed from alcohol on January 7th, 1997. And for that, I'm forever grateful, like I said.

Um I was still in a hopeless state of mind and body for a very long time. Just remove the alcohol. That's it.

And and and today I know that it's not about just removing the alcohol. Today I understand that this is not about making meetings. It's not about holding on to my chair till midnight.

It's not about just not drinking and come back tomorrow. And it's certainly not about faking it. I don't know if you're new, and I don't know who's new here, but if you're new and somebody tells you it's okay to just fake it, it just run away from them.

You could run away screaming like, "Ah, I got to go." But run for the hills. This they told me to fake it when I make it when I first came into it. Would have killed me if I didn't tell somebody the truth.

Finally. Would have killed me. I've seen people die.

I have buried friends that I love to death and that that wanted this bad enough. We talk about, well, they don't want it bad enough. That's a bunch of BS, too.

And I don't want to get on a on a um soap box about that, but I've I've buried friends that wanted this badly. Wanted this so bad they died over it. I've buried friends that wanted this so bad they took their lives because the insanity of wanting to get sober so badly and the insanity of the obsession that comes in and the physical allergy.

They can't stay away from it. They're that jumping off point where they can't see your life with or without it and they want it so badly they can't stand it and they take their own lives. That's what this disease does.

And so we come in here and and it's not about it's not about pretending like I got this. It's about being transparent and telling somebody the truth. It's about getting hooked up with a sponsor, somebody that you can tell the truth to.

And that's my experience. And when I first came in, I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like when I first came in. I was well, no, I won't tell you my age, then you can figure out how old I am now.

But I was uh I was young and um I was a seventh grade dropout. I uh had children. and I didn't have custody of anymore.

Um, I had parents and family that wanted to speak to me. I had jaundice. I had failure of the liver.

I was yellow. I was 89 lbs. I was um the doctor in detox said a couple Advils would probably take me out.

I was done. It was my last stop, you know, and and I come too. And I've tried everything I can to fill that hole that that malady that we talk about, the hole in the soul that we talk about in AA.

It's something that we can all relate to. If we're transparent and honest with ourselves long enough, we can see that the truth is that insanity of it. We don't know why we did it.

Well, the truth is we just did it. We were just alcoholics and and and I put alcohol in my body no matter what, under any and all conditions. That's what I do.

I don't have a reason or excuse for it. just do it. And and and I and I can't not do it on my own.

I can't not stop. I can't I I want to with everything in me, every fiber in me, I want to just not do it anymore. I have to come in here and I have to do a lot of work to just not do what I so desperately already don't want to do.

I don't want to do it, but I do. I I would I would I would show up at my mom's house one time. My mom lived out in Washington State, Idaho, Washington border, and I uh I hitchhiked out there.

Well, actually, I'm not sure. I came to in a bathroom in a truck stop in Montana. So, how I got to Montana, I'm not sure, but I hitchhiked the rest of the way from Montana.

I came to in a rest stop in Montana because I don't know about you but I I just came to um in funny places often and from a very young age and I just figure it out from there and and try to figure out if it had any kind of rhyme or reason. So I come to and there's rest stop in Montana and and I'm not really sure what I'm doing there. So I asked them the the guy and he says I don't know you've been in the bathroom a long time.

I know you're in there. I don't have a purse or a wallet or anything with me and any bag or anything. So I figured well Montana's close to Washington.

That's where my mom lives. I'm probably going there. So, we'll head in that direction.

And so, I finally get out to her house and I am beat down to the ground. I this this spiritual malady I know nothing about. I'm certainly don't plan on showing up at my mom's doorstep and saying, "Hey, listen, Ma.

Here's the thing. I got this spiritual malady. It's killing me.

We got to find a spiritual solution for this, Ma." And that's not my game plan. I don't know anything about a spiritual malady. I just know I am I'm a mess.

I am just not right. I have just not been right for a very long time. I don't know what normal looks like.

I don't know what being right looks like. I don't know what comfortable looks like. I don't know anything about it.

From as long as I can remember, I just don't feel quite right. I just can't fit in with you. I'm just not as pretty as the pretty girls and I'm not as smart as the smart ones and I'm just don't fit in anywhere.

And I have to find something to mask that because God forbid I'm not going to walk around saying, "Well, I I just act a little funny cuz I feel a little uncomfortable inside, you know. No, I walk around saying screw off. F you." And and that's that spiritual malady that's masked with anger and and ego and all this stuff.

So I'll find anything to fill that void. Right? So from from a very young age I would find I would find attention enough attention would fill the void.

Um I don't know if any of you can relate to that but even in third grade if I could just get enough attention to me if everybody would just look at me I'd feel okay. And and and then I would need attention from the opposite sex that would make me feel better. And I it comes to find out that there's not enough uh attention from the opposite sex to make me feel better.

Um, but I would do a hell of a time trying to find enough attention from you. And it could be sex or shoes or whatever. It could be a fork.

It doesn't matter. I just need to fill something from the outside. And that's a definition of a spirituality.

Trying to find something outside of me to fix what's wrong inside of me. Today, I know that that is not my solution. Today I am clear in the fact that nothing outside of me has to change in order for me to be okay.

Nothing has to change for me to be okay. Nobody has to change in order for me to be okay. Doesn't matter what it is.

If it's financial insecurities, I don't need finances to make me okay. Nothing has to change in the outside. I need to have a reliance upon the sphere of the universe.

I need to do some footwork to change that. But nobody else has to change. If it's resentments towards other people, they don't have to change.

Bless them, change me. It's about you don't have to change in order for me to not have a resentment towards you. Something in my spirit has to change.

That's why we stay in this 10, 11, and 12. And and we'll get there. I jumped ahead.

But it's staying in that spirit of self-reflection that we do in 10 and 11 and helping other people, turning away from me and into you and 12 that keeps me walking on that on that beam. And the beam is love. That's all it is.

We're just trying to stay in this beam. It's transferring energy of love to one another, which is what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. We look at it like that or not.

That's all we're doing. Helping each other out, holding each other's hands. We're just trying to figure this out together.

We may have sponsors and sponsies and stuff like that because we need somebody to be accountable to. We need somebody to be spiritually accountable to. I need somebody to hold my feet to the fire, but I need to hold my own feet to the fire.

And I need somebody that can look at my inventory and tell me the truth. And all that's good. And and we need to have that, but no reliance upon human aid.

It's about being relying upon the the sphere of the universe. And the big book tells us that a full reliance upon the spirit of the universe will solve all of your problems. That means all of them.

That means every problem I have can be solved by relying upon the spirit of the universe. That means that when I think that I can control it and manage it and figure it all out, that's when I'm screwed. When I when I let it go, whatever.

Just whatever. Show me. Direct me, God.

Shine the light. Show me the way. My path is usually just lit up by you.

is I help others shine their light and that lights my path and and that today I know is the truth. I know that my truth and my solution is and a God that lives deep down inside of me and and there's nothing I can put into my body or into this ego or anything else that's going to fix what's wrong. There's just nothing that can do it.

It I can only meetings won't do it and and we love our meetings and meetings are great and this is great and I and I and I love meetings alcohol. I love all AA. I um I was never real snobby when I was out there.

So, I'm not real snobby in here. I will go to meetings at the at the mission. I'll go to meetings in clubouses all over the country and I'll I'll go to fancy meetings.

It doesn't matter. I love all of AA. I just love you guys.

I love going to meetings. Um it's not going to cure my alcoholism. Not going to do a thing for my alcoholism.

I have a spiritual malady in which only a spiritual solution can can fix. That's it. And but I come here so I can find new people to work with.

I come here so that we can share experiences together. I come here so we can hook up in unity. I just can't I just can't use meetings to to to treat my alcoholism.

Only God can treat my alcoholism. That's why a fool relies upon God is what the book tells us to do. The book tells us that self-centerness is what's going to kill us.

It doesn't tell us lack of meetings. It doesn't tell us that we have to go to more softball games or more AA bowling events. All good stuff.

I go to all them. I like to plan them. We have a good time.

We have barbecues and pulbe with cues and and we're dancing and and and we're having a good time in AA. It's not going to it's not going to treat my alcoholism that I have to do with God and with these these 12 steps. I have to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.

So there's steps I have to do that are required in order for me to have a spiritual awakening for order for me to walk in the son of the spirit and show up today and be able to hook up with you. I have to treat my alcoholism with God. And and I'm grateful that somebody told me that one day.

And and I'll go back because this is what I do. I start a story and then I jump ahead. I get on this tangent about it.

But I'll go back and tell you that I hitchhiked to my mom's house in in Washington. They always do that and then afterwards I always get the well what happened with your mom's house? Why do we care if you went to Montana?

I uh I forget to finish my stories. But as I'm passionate about the solution part, but um so I I I hitchhike from Montana to my mom's house and I get there and I know that what I'm going to tell her is this time I'll do anything. I'll do anything.

Ma, listen. Here's the deal. I get it.

I am I am done. I am done. I will do anything you tell me to do.

I will never drink again. And and I am imagining it my walk up there. I'm going to get there and I'm going to tell our mom, I'll do anything to not drink again.

I promise. Tell me where to go, what to do, what to say. I'll go to one of those places you told me about.

It doesn't matter. I'll do anything to not drink anymore. And then she'll give me a sandwich and a and a shower and a warm bed.

And she'll tell me I can go ahead and sleep it off and get some rest. in the morning, we'll go to one of those places and she'll help me out and and we'll get this done. And and I mean it.

And I mean it with all my heart because this time I'm going to tell my mom with all my heart about how I'm never going to drink again because I if you hooked me up to a lie detector test, I would have passed with flying colors because I meant it. The book the big book talks about moral convictions galore. I have moral convictions galore.

I I want to be a good sister. I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good mother.

I want to be I wanted to be a good wife. I had a husband and two children. And and and they said to me one day, "Either you stop the drinking or you got to go.

So, you can't do this to this family anymore." I looked at my husband and I said, "Can I borrow the car, please?" So, I clearly got to go. I lost choice and and drink. I lost the power to have choice and drink.

And that's a spot that that we get to as alcoholics. That's where it took me. But we share that same kind of spot.

And then we get to a a place of surrender. I get to a place of whatever. And and and it's not a bowing down.

It's a it's a throw my hands up in the air and I surrender. But my alcoholism takes me to this place of can I just borrow the car keys? I got to go.

And I and I wouldn't go back. I would just go trying to find myself. Whatever that means.

That just means that I've lost choice and drink. And I come in here and what do I have to do? I have to tap into some power.

I have to tap into some power because I've lost a choice in that in and drink. So I better tap into something now that that can that that can get me through that. And um so so I I was almost going to forget again.

So I get to my mom's house. I'm walking up the the the yard and I can envision being safe and and protected. And all I've ever wanted was to feel safe and protected.

And and I get there and I see my mom. She's doing dishes in the window and um there's windows on the whole house and it's up on this mountain. and it's like a six milei uh dirt road up to her house.

And I walk up this dirt road and I get up there and she's doing dishes and she sees me and I walk into the front door and I see her leave the the the the window to go down to the door and she gets down to the door and she locked it and she would go throughout the house locking every door and window in the house. And I'm outside like a maniac just knocking and banging on windows. says, "Mom, if you let me in, I promise I'll quit this time." I walk back to town.

I find a bar. I I I I do feed myself into a couple drinks. I use the phone.

I call my the house. My sister answers. I said, "Just let me in the back door.

Just sneak me in. Get me a sandwich or something." My sister said, "No." Ma says, "When you're in town, nobody's safe." She said, "We should be scared because you showed up again." And she hangs up. That's where my alcoholism takes me.

Not my bottom has nothing to do with my bottom, but that's where it takes me. And I would go on from there with no use for other people. And and so my point to that is I have the conviction to do it.

I just can't pull it off. I just can't do it. I just cannot pull that off on my own.

I would I'll skip ahead. I would come to um December 6th, 1997. I would come to and and I would typically come to um do what I have to do to get well and I would come to in this particular morning and this is how I know that that me getting sober has nothing to do with me.

There is some kind of grand plan for all of us by the grace of God that we sit here tonight. None of us should be here. This is my turn to yap away.

But none of you guys should be here either. It's a grace of God that we get to sit here tonight. We should all be out robbing somebody or >> >> in jail something.

We'd be lucky to be alive and and and by the grace of God, I come too in this particular morning, never having any relationship with a higher power, knowing nothing about a God, not ever talking to a God before, never been into a church, never prayed in my life. I come to in this particular morning and I'm sick. I'm shaking.

Convulsions are starting. Seizures will start next. I know the drill.

I'm I'm naked. I'm beat up a little bit. I don't know what to do.

I come to and and I get on my knees and I say, "God, please don't let me die like this. God, please don't let me die. I just don't want to die.

Just don't let me die. Just help me." And I know nothing about that. Didn't come from me.

That just came from this place that it it was God's grace. And I would call I would use the um the uh I would find a phone and I would call the 411 to to the operator. Do they they Chris says they sell 41 every time I ask him.

Um but I would call the operator and and and I would ask for help. And the operator say we just give phone numbers here. We don't we don't really help people like that.

And I would tell her I don't know anybody. I don't have any friend. I don't know anyone.

I said I just know I'm dying and and I just know I need help. and she got me to a hospital and their detox nurse got me out. Uh she found out where I was and and um she was an alcoholic synonymous and and she showed up um outside of her work duties showed up and found me and wrapped me up in a in a in a sheet and took me into a detox and for the grace of God from that day to this one I haven't had to put a drink in my body since.

And that's the miracle of it. But the the true miracle of it is that I can live free from that. That I can live with with freedom from all that.

The miracle of it is not that I haven't put a drink in my body in 16 and a half years. The miracle of it is that I'm not fighting a drink. The miracle of it is that I can live with joy today.

That I can can that it's about how free I can be today. The miracle is that a drink doesn't look much more than ketchup to me today. I'm the problem's been removed.

I didn't have to swear off of it like the book tells me. It's just the problem has been removed as a result of doing the work that's required to get there and then continuing that work in 10, 11, and 12. So, I had a woman one time that told me the truth about that.

She told me the truth and she had the the courage to tell me the truth. And that's why I honor you guys when you have the courage to tell somebody the truth. when you answer your phones for the newcomer, when you show up in the truth.

And and and that's what it's about today. It's about me being able to just be transparent and vulnerable in front of another human being and allow her to have permission to just tell me the truth. And this woman, I didn't give her permission.

She just told me the truth. So, if you do that, that's okay, too. I um she she told me to shut up.

She said, "We're sick and tired of you coming to these meetings and whining all the time. For God's sake, just shut up." And I told her she wasn't allowed to say that. That was not allowed in AA.

I've been an AA for almost two years and you're not allowed to tell people to shut up. And um and you have to let me come and you have to let me have the coffee and somebody has to let me sleep in their couch cuz that's the way it's been working for a couple years and it's working so far. So tell me to shut up if you want, but you're an AA so you can let me sleep on your couch.

And she said, "That's not how it works anymore." She said, "We're sick of you sleeping on our couches and we're sick of you borrowing money and whining and crying, complaining, and and she said, "Just shut up." She said, "We can't help you get your kids back." She said, "Why don't you tell the truth for once? Nobody took your kids away. You sold your soul for a drink of alcohol.

You sold your soul for the next drink. You gladly gave up your kids for a drink." So, she said, "You gave up your family for a drink. You gave up your dignity.

You compromised all your morals for a drink. And I was as far removed as I'm ever going to be from alcohol. And I was still compromising my morals, from untreated alcoholism.

I don't know anything about how to fix this this hole that's inside of me. I still feel uncomfortable. I'm still out of my skin all the time.

I'm still so uncomfortable where I'm at. and I want to kill you or myself at any given moment for two years. I'm sitting inside of AA and I want to kill somebody or myself.

I'm not sure which. I'm at the jumping off point sober and I think that there's no excuses left for me. You don't The talk in my head is you don't even drink anymore and you're a mess.

They told me when I came in just stick with the winners. You'll be fine. None of you guys wear name tags.

I would appreciate it. Maybe at this meeting we could start wearing them. But at the time um and still a little bit my picker kind of broke.

I don't know if you guys relate to that but I didn't really come in with my picker all you know. Perfect. If I could pick the winners I probably wouldn't have been in homeless in that situation.

So I don't know who the winners are. So they tell me they're in service. Just hang out in service commitments.

The winners hang out in service in AA. So I got into service because they told me that's what to do. And I and I hung out with the winners and I was a winner cuz I didn't drink.

It's not true. I am I was sleeping with the guy who was the head of the service committee and his wife was over there and she was always starting drama with me. And I'm like, "No, you don't understand.

I don't drink. I got a six-month ship. I'm good." And I'm a winner today.

So are you. We're all good. I'm as far removed from a drink as I'm ever going to be.

And I'm out of my mind. causing harm, causing chaos, causing wreckage and sobriety. Out of my mind, no excuse for it anymore because I didn't understand about the spiritual malady and the spiritual solution.

I just thought cuz I went to a lot of meetings and hung out in service. Today, I know that's not the truth. Today, I know that the winners are the ones that show up with a car full of new guys, a car full of new girls.

The winners are the ones that quietly are doing step work on a Friday night that we don't even know about. The ones that I I surround my space with today are the ones that just feel good to be in their space. The ones that just feel good to be their smile so pretty like Becky's.

And and I remember when when when Becky's face wasn't so good to be and and then and then she comes to light and watching that watching being able to be in service is hands down the highlight of my life. Right. I I'm always looking for that next thrill, that next thing, that that next adrenaline rush, the next high, the next drink.

And I come in here and I and I'm broke and I'm lost. And I'm constantly searching for my home and someplace to feel comfortable. And I come in here and I do some work that's required.

And I have a spiritual awakening. And all of a sudden, I'm in love with you guys. All of a sudden, I'm home.

All of a sudden, I'm like, "Oh, I'm home here. I'm so good here. I want to spend Christmas with you guys." And sometimes it's fortunate with you guys, but usually you let me come over and Annie's let me for Thanksgivings, right?

But I come in here and I find my family and I find I I I find my comfortable spot and and I find out where I'm okay and and and I'm not lost anymore. Everything I ever looked for. See, in that on that morning in that hotel room in South Philly when I came to and I asked God, "Please don't let me die." See, God was all I had left.

I don't have anything else. And and and an alcoholic like me, I just have to be left with nothing else to to to know that God's all all I need. This is all I got.

Better use them. And by the grace of God, it's God's grace that gets us here. And and I come here and and and suddenly I I find myself having these experiences one after the next and they continue.

The only way that I know and I don't know what what anything except for in 16 years I from from that day of of working through these steps until this one I I've never stopped helping new girls. My kids are are my daughter's with me and and and she grew up with just a a a steady flow of new girls coming in the house and doing step work. That's what we do.

She can take over if I got to go do something. And you know it this is how how I know to keep giving it back is the only way that I get to have a new experience with it. I sit down and do a third step prayer with the new girl.

I now have a new experience with the third step. I sit down and and and do a a fifth step with the new girl and I start to see that light come back in her eyes. I start to see her lighten up.

I start to see a girl that came in just like me. See, because because we're all the same in that way. We come in with the same brokenness and we have the same kind of hope and and I and I see her come in broken and thinking she's different than everybody else just like I did.

And I start to see her be transparent and get vulnerable and get honest and and and do an honest fistep and do the work that's required. It's hard work, but God doesn't make too hard a terms. It's not that hard.

We just do. It doesn't feel comfortable all the time, but we walk through that uncomfortability and and the other side of it is something far more greater than we could imagine. The book talks about when when looking back in the times that I put my my life into God's hands, far greater things happen than anything I could have planned.

That's my truth. That's my experience. I I will shortch change myself all day long.

What? When I put my my life into God's hands, far greater things happened than I could ever imagine. The big book tells me that none is my experience.

I sure changed myself. I remember I called my mom up and I said, "Mom, I got a job." You wouldn't believe it. I got a job.

There's a cash register. They don't they keep it locked, but they let me near it. And and they they give me a a paycheck on the books, you know, and I'm going to get one of those bank accounts in my name and and and a real driver's license.

And I got a job. and I'm so excited. And she said, "I'm so happy for you, hun.

What are you doing?" I said, "Well, I said it's at Taco Bell and and they let me cut the onions." And she said, "Okay, well, I hope it gets better, but if that's as good as it ever gets for you, okay." And see, that's what I would have said when I first got sober. Just give me a job cutting onions and and and maybe not be physically sick anymore. This is what I want out of being sober.

has nothing to do with I didn't know about what it would be like to be recovered, to be in recovery, not just sober. I didn't know anything about that. I didn't I didn't I didn't even I didn't even imagine that I could live in a place of peace.

The promises that are in the book that that the book talks about these promises. It's kind of funny talking under Jesus. Can I just say that?

It's just I feel like he's looking at me. Um, so there's these promises in the book and they have nothing to do with outside stuff. They have nothing to do with material belongings.

They have nothing to do with with or jobs. They they have to do with with this once you're rocketed into this fourth dimension and you've had a spiritual awakening and you're you're you're living in the sunlight of the spirit. Once you've entered into that dimension there, it's about for me today, I know that it's about the fact that I can lay my head on the pillow at night and just go to sleep.

For a screw ball like me, that's a really big deal for me to not be running around in my head with all the regrets and all the the trying to figure it all out. God knew what he was doing. He gets me into a program that says, "You don't have to figure anything out.

There's nothing to figure out. The big book says nowhere. Figure it out or get somebody to help you figure it out.

The big book says it's all been figured out for you. Just trust God. Ask to to to to walk in God's will.

It tells us that's all that we need to do. It's already been figured out to be able to to live in a place in a space of of kindness. to be able to feel your kindness, to be able to appreciate you, to be able to appreciate your love and what you bring to the table, to be able to honor you, to be able to live in a place of serenity.

It says that you'll know you'll know peace and and serenity. It says that we'll be safe and protected. That was one I just didn't even believe, but you'll be safe and protected.

I'd do anything in the world to feel safe and protected for a moment. to feel safe and protected against a choice and drink. to feel safe and protected inside these rooms with telling you the truth.

to feel safe and protected when I do a fist, when I work and sit down with my sponsor and I tell him the truth about what's going on around this stuff and I and I'm safe there to to to be given a life where I can provide that for other people and to again to see this this this this light go on in the girl's eyes when we sit down we do a fist up and I see her broken and she come absolutely the highlight of my life right it the big book says it's the shining part of her life. And that's absolutely my truth today. I I see girls, friend of mine just got married, a a girl I've been sponsoring for years that was broken and and and and just couldn't look you in the eye and and and she was a scared and frightened little girl like I was.

And and the other day she she walked down the aisle, beautiful little princess getting married and and the light is on and and and those kind of joys. The the book says it's an experience you must not miss to see people recover. It's an experience you must not miss.

It's what keeps me going. It's what it's everything that I have purpose for today. Today I show up in this life and I wake up in the morning and I have a purpose for me.

That's big enough. That's all I ever got out of this recovery thing. That's big enough to be able to show up today in life with purpose, with meaning.

To have that joy of living back, to be able to be present and show up today and just be present. To to to watch my kids grow up or to sit there and listen to them tell me a story and be able to show up, be present right here, right now. The person in front of me, be the most important person in my life because you're in front of me right now.

and to be able to show up without all the noise in the head. Couple days after my my first fist, that noise started to to to simmer down a little bit. And I and I had this moment where my kids, the twins, were little and they were playing in this ball pit at McDonald's.

And and I was watching them play and I was laughing and I realized for the first time ever that I was present, that I was just there, that I was watching my kids play and I was feeling their joy and I was laughing because they were laughing. I was connecting with another human being and that I wasn't stuck with me. I was I was actually showing up and being present today.

That's the kind of miracle that it's all about. Nothing to do with how long I haven't drank. It's the fact that I can show up and be present today.

It's a fact that sometimes for a little bit I can get me off of me. I can get ego away from me long enough to care about you. I can That's why the book says that self-centerness is what's going to kill us.

Doesn't say Jack Daniels or crack cocaine's going to kill us. It says self-centerness is what's going to kill us. Because I will obsess about me all day long.

And then I'll obsess about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what I should do about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what you should do with your own life and not worry about mine.

And then I'll make a list of what that is you should do with your life. And and cuz if I'm not if I'm not obsessing about me, if if I'm not full of ego and self and and and I'm self-centered to the core, I'm self-centered. My sponsor says all the time, there Robbie goes, "Self-centerness like an Olympic sport.

Just going to win the gold medal for self-centerness. I will I will resort back to that with untreated alcoholism in a heartbeat. And I know that my only defense against it is doing this program that I know.

I know that taking my inventory at night. I know working with another alcoholic. I know that prayer and meditation, God being the most important thing in my life, showing up to be in service, fitting myself into service is the best shot I got, but it's not a sure bet.

It's my best shot I got, but I'll go back to the self-centerness in a heartbeat. I could go back to I'll cut you in a heartbeat with just skipping one morning meditation and and that's my truth. That's the you know the truth is I'm not perfect at this.

Obviously none of us are clearly. I'm I I get it wrong just as much as anybody else. I just do.

I get it wrong all the time. I get it wrong. I get it right.

I get it wrong. It's what we do. We figure it out.

None of us have been rendered white as snow. We're just figuring it out. And I mess it up all day long.

My sponsor says to me all all the time, Robbie, I expect you to mess it up, just not twice. In the same way, you you mess that up, we learn from it and and and and all this is about learning experiences and and and how that will help us help somebody else with that and we move on. But I mess it up and I mess it up and I get it wrong and I get it wrong and I get it right for a minute and that feels great and I get it wrong and and I do inventory so I can get back into that path and back onto that being and and that's what this whole thing is about, you know, and the big book says that says if you walk handinhand with a new man and follow the dictates of a higher power, you'll currently live a new and wonderful world regardless of your current circumstances.

That tells me that regardless of what's going on in my life, I will c I can currently live in a new and wonderful world. Sorry, I need a drink. And that's my experience.

That's my truth today. Today, I know that no matter what's going on, I can currently live in a new and wonderful world. And that's absolutely how I feel.

It's a little funny to to outside people. They think it's a little weird. Why is Robin so happy?

Didn't her boyfriend just leave her? And didn't she just lose her job? Why is she skipping around like that?

You know, but the the deal is and and that's my experience. I I started to set aside prayer. God, you know, helped me set aside everything I think I know about you, this book, these steps to give me a new experience.

At the same time, a few years back, I started feeling like I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. wasn't really sure what that was. It's a little off from my game on 10, 11, and 12.

I told somebody the truth about that. Today, I understand that that the greatest courage that we have is just asking for help. Just asking for help.

Whether we're sitting in these chairs with years and multiple years of sobriety or we're here, we're brand new. It's it's about just saying, "I feel like something's a little off. I might need some help there.

I went to to my sponsor today and said scared I'm going to die. I don't know what it is. I don't like helping new girls anymore.

I'm not feeling it. I'm H&I chair. I have a lot of commitments.

I'm in service. I'm planning a lot of picnics. I I speak all over the country.

I'm I got a ton of sponses. I take girls to meetings all day long. And I don't want to and I don't like it.

I don't feel good about it and I don't want to drink because my alcoholism doesn't come at me all the time with why don't you have a drink. It comes at me in all different forms. My alcoholism will come at me in ways that are masked.

They don't they don't say, "Rob, why don't you have a drink?" They say things like, "You're probably not alcoholic. Why don't you stop going to those silly meetings?" They say things like, "You help a lot of girls. Why don't you just go out with him tonight and not go to that meeting?

They say things like, "You're really not good enough. Nobody wants to hear you. Why don't you just shut up and stay home?" That's where my alcoholism and and and my ego comes at me.

And I feel that. And it doesn't come at me with a voice that says, "Drink." It comes me at me with the voice that says, "You're a piece of Just stay home and shut up. Nobody needs your help." And I'm scared inside like a frightened little girl.

And I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to tell anybody the truth about that. But I start to suffer and I start to look at outside shiny things that might fix that again.

And I can see myself doing it. I've seen myself do it before. I've seen myself doing it again.

And it was about having the courage to just walk up to this man and say, "Listen, can we talk to the side for a minute? I'm scared. I think I might need some help here.

Maybe you didn't do this thing right. Maybe I didn't go through the steps right, but I don't want to I don't want to be an AA anymore. I don't want to do it anymore." I said, "Tell me what I did wrong.

Did I do the steps wrong? Do I need to do them again?" He said, "Then they got you to a spiritual awakening for 13 years. You probably did them." Okay.

He said, "There's a big difference in into activities and into action." He said, 'What's what's your action? Because these were just activities. You're just got a case of the busies.

You're just busy doing stuff. Lot of activities. But what's your action?

Who you make amends to lately? Who would you not send a Christmas card to because you you're haring some ill feelings towards? Who have you walked up to and just made a straight honest amends to?

What's your meditation life look like? He said, "Show me your inventory. We'll go over the last like two or three weeks and page by page, we'll figure out what's wrong." So, yeah, I do it in my head now.

See, because because I'll rest on my laurels, right? Inventory for years every night. Now, I can just do it in my head.

I'll rest on these past accomplishments. And and the book says, "Well, we're we're quick to to ease up in the spiritual program. It's the easiest part to ease up on.

You won't know about it. You'll know if I don't show up at meetings. You'll know if I'm not sponsoring girls, but you won't know if I ease up on my spiritual program.

You don't know if I'm writing inventory or not. It's the quickest place for me to to start to to get lazy with. And so, we just got back into 10, 11, and 12.

That's all 12. Helping helping new people doesn't do much for me if I can't transmit what what I don't have. So if I'm not living in 10 and 11, if I'm not living in a space of in this spirit of kindness and and loving towards all and I can't transmit much in 12, so who am I really helping?

So we get back to that. We start writing inventory. We get he gets me current on my work.

And then I can go out there and help new girls and feel that joy living inside. That high that I get when I see a new girl start to come alive that beats no high I've ever felt out there. And so I start saying the set aside prayer and I start saying this this um prayer.

I heard another speaker talk about a takeaway prayer. And so took me about two weeks to do it. Get honest with it and mean it.

And I get on my knees and I say to God, God, take away everything from me in which you do not want me to have. Period. And mean that with all my heart.

You say, "God bless you." >> You too. And so I I It's living in the essence of the third step, right? So I get in that in that essence and living in the spirit of the third step.

Living in that spirit of of God's will is all I want for me. That's it. I don't make good choices.

My picker's broke. I don't know what's good for me and not. Just God, direct me.

Take away what you don't want me to have. Show me what you want me to have. give me a new experience with it.

And I and I surrender that to you. And I say that prayer today, every day, several times a day. What happens is things start to be taken away.

The the the the boyfriend left and and the job of 10 years left or however long that was and and things just start to be taken away and and I felt like I was living in a new wonderful world. I felt absolutely this joy of living back that I've never that I that I've lost. And I feel this this this joy and freedom inside of me that I can't even explain to you because the the the book talks about it's unescribably wonderful.

And and I started to live in this this wonderful world again where I'm just sitting down at the kitchen table and and opening up the book and and and things are happening in my life that don't look the way I think they should look. But the only problem I've ever had is that my head tells me a certain way things should look. But in the spiritual world, it tells us it's whatever.

It's living a life of whatever. It's saying, "God, whatever. Let your will be done.

Use me as a vessel. Fill me up." And and through that experience to to this day, that's the grace of God that comes in. It shows me how to be accountable again.

Living in that 10-11, taking my inventory and and staying and and having new experiences with these steps and having new experiences with you guys and and the way it is today. I if I had all day, if I had all night, I couldn't tell you about I I could tell you about some really cool things that could happen. I I could tell you about this this amazing God that that I love so much, but I fail him all the time.

I mess it up all the time with him. But I but I but I know but I know today that he's pleased that I'm trying to follow his will. He's pleased that I'm spitting myself into service and and and that that's my purpose today.

And and by the grace of God, I get to do that. I get to to help people and and um and I have a life today where you know through making amends I have my family back and I don't know about you but my family want to come around for a long time and it talks about there's a long road ahead for me the men's process was a long road. It took me a long time to earn a little bit of respect with my family and to earn my my respect with my mom back, you know, and I'd have to go and make amends to her through this process and and um she told me to get out.

I'll go a little bit into amends then and now in the last few minutes that we have. So I go to my mom and I say, "Ma," I said, "I was wrong." And she says, "Get the hell out." She says, "You've been lying to me your whole life. Just get the hell out." And I go to my baby sister and I said I said, "Emmy, I was wrong." I said, "I I I I broke into Ma's house and I stole $60 when you were like in kindergarten or whatever and and you had a piggy bank.

It's all I could find. I broke it open and I stole $60 from you and I wanted to tell you I was wrong and I'm in AA now and I got to make these things right or I'm going to drink and and so I wanted to give you back that $60." and and and my little sister, she's now somewhere in her mid20s or so. And and she looks at me and and and first of all, she looks at me and she says it was 61.

Okay, get the extra dollar. And and then she looks at me and she says, has nothing to do with the money. Keep your money.

She said, tell me how you're going to earn back my my peace of mind. How you going to give that back to me? How are you going to give back to me my childhood memories?

How are you going to give back to me a functional family? You took all that away from me. She said, "You stole every bit of security I ever had.

You stole all the attention I ever could have. You stole mom and dad." She said, "I I had to live and and and and go to sleep at night hearing mom, dad fighting about you. I'd have to hear mom crying, Robbiey's going to die." I'd hear dad yelling, "Just let her die." And I would think it's my sister and you guys are just talking about how she's going to die.

She said, 'Th that's how I grew up. I grew up coming home and telling my mom that I had all A's again and she would say, "Not right now. Robbie's missing.

We got to find her." She told me that's what you that's what you owe me. She said, "How you going to make that right? Cuz I don't care about your money." And the book says that they'd be far more impressed with the demonstration of our actions than our words.

She wasn't impressed with any kind of words that I bring to her in an immense. She wanted me to show up with some action. And today I understand that that's what this whole thing's about.

Showing up in action, moving my feet. It's how am I moving my feet. It's if my insides match my outsides.

If I'm in conflict with my outsides and my insides, they're not in they're not matching up. I'm in conflict and I'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. It's about showing up.

Not just telling her that I was wrong, but showing up and being a good sister. My mom, she finally came around and and and she just loved Alco Thomas. She loves you guys.

You guys are the best. We really have like the greatest thing going on in the world right here. Like, we really do.

We got good happening. Like, we're having a good time. Did I curse?

I'm sorry. We are having so much fun doing this. and and we really have just the coolest thing going.

There's just nothing like it in the world. And my mom, she just loved you guys. She was an alcoholic.

She suffered greatly from my alcoholism, but she was an alcoholic. She was a spiritually fit. She could just show up in this world and and just be okay.

She had to do a lot of work to get there. I tell her about these AA principles and stuff like that and and she'd just be like, "It's old news. I've been doing that naturally my whole life.

This is not rocket scientists here. You make it wrong, make it right, Rob. And um AA didn't invent them.

Just spiritual principles to live by. And but she loved you guys. And couple years ago, it'll be three years on this week and um she called up and she was my best friend and uh she traveled in AA and I got to bring her some great vacations and some AA conventions all over the country and and and she loved it.

and um she called me up and she was in North Carolina and she said, "I I have the lung cancer and they don't think I'm going to make it. You should probably come down here." And she was 60 years old and and she was young and healthy and deteriorated really quickly and and I was scared and and what happens is you guys just rallied around me and I never have to do anything on my own. 16 years I haven't had to face anything of my own.

My sponsor holds my hands and goes there with me. You guys give me the courage to do that. My sponses and and girls show up in my house.

They say, "We'll babysit the kids. We got the house. You just go." I go down there and I get to sit with my mom like 10, 12 days when she was on hospice at home in her living room.

And and I got to just go there and just be with her, just show up, be present, have a way to walk through that that that that fear. That's the kind of gifts that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me. Has nothing to do with I could tell you about the the the careers and and and and all the beautiful shiny things that have happened in my life in the last 16 years, but it's about the fact that I can show up and hold my mom's hand while she dies.

It's about that my mom forgave me before she died. It's about that we had no undone amends. We had no resentments that were untreated.

We had nothing left to say because this program taught me to talk about resentments to ask for forgiveness. It taught me how to show up and be vulnerable and honest. Taught me how to be present.

And she uh about two days before she passed away, she said, "Will you read the cards on the mantle? I love it when you read me the cards." She said, "Read the ones up on the mantle." So, I I I got the cards down and I started to read them and they all went something like this. They would say, "Hi, Rita.

You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Bill W's and we're praying for you out here in Texas." They would say, "Hi, Rita. My name's so and so and and um and Robbie's my sponsor, and I've learned so much through you over the years, and I'm praying for you out here, one after the next. say this is a friend of Bill W's down in Florida.

We just wanted you to know that our home group down here is saying a lot of prayers for you. That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what it looks like to me.

That's just what it looks like to me in ways that are so much bigger than anything we're doing in here. So much bigger than anything we can see. We're just finite little humans.

We can't even see this big picture. It's happening all over the world right now in rooms like this. People are getting well, loving on each other, praying for one another, showing up in the spirit of love and kindness.

I knew nothing about till I came here and you transparent transferred that on to me. That's what AA looks like to me. After my mom passed away, I called my sponsor.

He said, "What's going on now?" I said, "She hasn't she's not breathing." He said, ' Okay, you need to call the funeral home and then call me. Okay. He said, 'What are you doing?' I said, 'I'm still laying in bed with her.' He said, "Okay, call them and call me back and you can stay in bed with her and just keep me on the phone till I get there." Cuz I've never had to do anything alone since since I walked into this room.

You guys welcomed me, treated me like family. I got home and and you guys said, "Let's just plan a memorial service together. We can do this." Right after she died, the hospice came in and they said, "We want to remove the narcotics from the house cuz we know that you're recovering alcoholic and you probably shouldn't be triggered.

We want to remove him from the house." I said, "I I didn't know we had any here." They said, "You've been giving your mom narcotics, you know, on the hour every hour for 10 days." I said, "Yeah, I hadn't paid any attention to that. They're in the other room. You're more than welcome to them all.

That's what being recovered is about. That's what that's what it's about. That's what having freedom from this thing is about for me.

That's how it shows up. It shows up in a way that I'm not trying to help my mom as she's passing away. And and I'm not fighting not taking the pills.

I'm not fighting that. It shows up today in a way that I can just be present for my mom. Not trying to figure out how to take three and give her one or how to find a story about how her pills got lost again.

The thought never crossed my mind. I'm just experiencing this spiritual experience with my mother right here, right now. Not worried about narcotics in the house or not.

It's been removed. That's the miracle of it. That's the whole miracle of it to me.

And and I'll end with this. I know we're at time, but I I'll I I the the miracles are are far what what what happens today in my life are are little things that I I sometimes have to pull over the car and stop and just thank God for this moment. The sky, the the sunset, them the the the love, the friends, and the things that happen today that they're unexplainable.

They just happen. They just come to me. I know what what I want.

and I give and I give forgiveness and I get forgiveness and I give love and I get love and I give friendship and I get friendship and and and and that's how we do this thing and and the things that happen today or my uh doorbell rang a couple years ago. I always like to tell you this before I I end >> >> uh as hope and and so about uh right after my mom passed away, the door rang in the middle of the night and living down there in Betner and and it was like 2:00 in the morning and I went down and I answered the door and there's this beautiful young lady in the other end and I said to her, "Can I help you?" She didn't look like a girl out running or something that needed help. She looked healthy and beautiful.

I said, "Can I help you?" And she said, "My name's Cassandra and I believe you're my mom." She said, "Could I come in? My sister's with me." Do you remember that, Becky? You were there.

And And all of a sudden, my my daughters are just back in my life. They just came in. We said, "We'll figure it out.

We'll just figure it out. Come on in. We'll put some coffee on." I said, "You got twin sisters.

They're upstairs sleeping. Let's wake them up." We made some coffee. They're all cuddled on the couch.

got the pictures up on Facebook right away. It was a miracle. And the and the miracle of it is is that when they showed up in God's timing, I was ready.

The book tells us we fail to expand upon a spiritual life. We won't be able to handle certain trials and low spots that lie ahead. I'm expanding upon my spiritual life, so I'm ready to handle whatever comes at me.

And what happens is I had to trust God. I had to trust his timing. I had to trust this process and the timing of this process.

And so I want my kids back at 6 months and a year and and two years. And what happened was God said, "I'll give you your kids back in in my time, not in yours. You trust this process and it will happen." My daughter came in and she said, "After you left us," she was two when I left her.

She said, "After you left us, a woman adopted us and we called her mom and she died." And so we thought we'd find out who our real mom was. And I said, "My mom just died, too. I know what it feels like.

It's perfect timing. This is when we are meant to be together. We can heal together now.

And through amends with them, we get to heal together as a family. And it's not always perfect. Missed a lot of years in there, but we're healing.

We're doing this thing. And the miracle isn't even that they showed up and found me after all those years. The miracle is that I could look him in the eye without regret and remorse.

I didn't feel shame. I didn't feel icky inside because of what I'd done to them or what I've done in my past. I just own that and walk through that.

I can look them in the eye without shame, remorse, and guilt. That's a miracle of it. And we can have forgiveness.

They can have forgiveness for me and I can ask for it. That's the kind of grace that God gives us. And and so I am absolutely honored to be here tonight.

I apologize for going a little over. I do that. I um I you guys are making AA history and I love being alongside you shoulder-to-shoulder in this journey.

And uh if I can do anything to help ever, let me know. And I'm done. I don't think it was recording.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.