Half a Glass of Wine, Two Years of Relapse – AA Speaker – Samantha M.

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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Happy birthday, everybody.

Now, let's give a warm welcome to our speaker tonight, Samantha. Hi, family. I'm Sam.

I'm an alcoholic. that for me. I want to thank Jeff for asking me to be here and uh thank you for having me.

And uh I'm not like a circuit speaker or anything really handy dandy. And I got a little ADA, DHDA, whatever going on. So I'm sure very nervous and um I can't believe how much how many things I used to steal to get this feeling.

But anyways, Happy birthday to the birthday people. Happy celebration of your surrender. That's how we do it in Santa Barbara.

I This is the best singing I ever heard. Santa Barbara singing sucks for sure. But um greetings from Santa Barbara and uh um I'm glad to be here.

I'm glad to be anywhere. It's an honor and a privilege definitely to be asked to speak. They weren't asking me to speak too much 10 years ago.

In fact, they were urging me to exercise my constitutional right not to speak often. Um, which I never adhered to. My sobriety date this time is September 5th, 1995.

I have a sponsor. She happens to be here tonight, which takes a lot of the fun out of the pitch right there. Although, I'm glad she's here.

But the F-word will be used sparingly, if at all. Oh, shoot. And uh my home group is the offcenter group Sunday mornings 11 o'clock in Santa Barbara.

You're all welcome there. We have a great a lot of food. Good food there.

Let's see. I get to tell you a little bit about what it was like and what happened and what it's like now. And I get to end I I I end at 8:15.

What is it? 8:05. I drove 6 hours.

I'm going to speak 10 minutes. No, I'm just kidding. >> What when do I stop?

8:20. >> 8:20. All right.

Here we go. Let's see. Uh, you know what?

I got sober the first time when I was, you know what, and Toby's here tonight. It was just kind of um I was really good to go. I didn't think I was going to cry through this one.

And then I saw Toby and I thought that's all that blows everything to hell. So Toby knows me. Like you know me.

Toby knows me. And um she knows that the last three years have been rough for me. They've been rough.

I've never been this old. I've never been this sober. I never gone through a divorce, sober.

I never I never been here before, you know what I mean? So, I um and I get to watch the people in front of me do this with whatever dignity, integrity, I don't know. I mean, dignity for me sometimes is just flinging snot from wall to wall, you know, and just doing the best I can.

Um, and I really do believe, you know, I was kind of raised in old school AA, you know, uh um you wear a dress, you brush your hair, you shave your legs, all in the same day, which is a lot for me right off the bat. Whoa. I remember when I was seven months sober, that's when my sponsor turned to me and she just said, "You know, you need to wear a dress once a week." And I I I came into this program, you know, and alls I wore was Uggs and sweats and flannels.

My hair was in my face. The back of my head was shaved. My two bottom teeth were knocked out.

They were knocked out. They were She looked bad, though. The other girl looked bad, too.

I'll tell you that. Hands down. We don't That was a draw for sure.

But um and I looked at her, I just thought, "Wow." You know, and I didn't really say anything. And she said, "And brush your hair." And I did. I literally looked at her.

I said, "On the same day?" I was terrified. She said laughed and she said, "No, no, we'll just start slow. Just start with the dress.

We'll do the hair next month." But um th things have changed, you know, and I mean, I didn't I didn't start out to be an alcoholic, you know. I I didn't I didn't uh you know go down to the guidance counselor and say hook me up with the classes that you know promote that kind of lifestyle. Um I uh I was adopted.

You know I'm the youngest of four kids. I was the only one that was adopted. I don't take that to the bank.

Whatever you want to do with that. Um I was raised Lutheran. Take that wherever you want to go.

I don't know. I'm I'm not a recovering Catholic. I'm a, you know, I'm and um I was raised in Arcadia and um you know, I had a great I have a great family.

I have a great family and uh I'm the baby and um and I was spoiled and I was treated like the baby and I was also treated like the adopted child. Although my dad tried very very hard not to treat me differently than the other kids, he'll say today that by doing so he treated me differently. I don't know if that makes me an alcoholic.

Don't care. Don't care anymore. Uh I think that what makes me an alcoholic is is that I I drank, you know, a lot of alcohol and copious amounts of other outside issues.

And I I don't know if I crossed the line. I remember always feeling different. I'm not a follower.

I'm a leader. I've, you know, I'm not, uh, you know, you know, I'm not really easily swayed. I'm the one that sways you.

Um, I convince you to come break the law and do things and then blame it on you later and they believe me. Um, except when they don't, you know, and that was a struggle later on. But, uh, you know, I I I got sober the first time through a drug rehab um, for kids, for teenagers in the 80s, 1983.

March 30th, 1983, that was my first sobriety date. And then we had one in September of '86 and then we had the one in 95. So step one didn't come easy if you know what I'm saying.

And there was always something that was making me different then and different then and different then. Um, you know, I I I want to definitely get into the steps, you know, and if you're new or new or newly new or newly used or whatever you might be tonight, um, welcome, you know, and welcome to the speed freaks and the dope fiends and the tweakers and the, you know, whatever else you are and the and the andas. And, uh, hopefully I'll have a sponsor that could teach you about the steps and the traditions and why it is that we have a singleness of purpose and why it is that we say, you know, I'm an alcoholic at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

and you take me anywhere else and I'll say whatever else you want me to say cuz I eat the meal as it's served if that makes sense. And the meal, I don't know where you guys have it tonight, but you know, it's in the book somewhere, that book, that blue book. The meal is the 12 steps for me.

And when I got here, I was starving. And you know what I always think about when I was a little girl and I used to go to my mom and I used to say, "What's for dinner? I'm starving." And she'd say, "Fish." And I'd go, "Ew." And she goes, "Well, then you're not really starving, are you?" And that line I use frequently with women in this program basically because the steps are laid out in order as they are.

And and that's the way I've been taught to to take them and to eat them. And uh and as a result, I get a meal that has far sustained me and fulfilled me um beyond my wildest dreams. I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I love it. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Um I don't always love the fellowship.

And if you can survive the fellowship, you can have long-term sobriety. Let me tell you that right now. If I can survive myself, I can have long-term sobriety.

Um, but I got the meal served to me through hospitals and institutions in 1983, the first time, and really my life was forever changed. It was never the same again. Um, and I really believe that once we wake up, it's very, very difficult to go back to sleep.

I'll say that again. Once we wake up, it's really hard to go back to sleep. That's my experience.

It is a And we'll try. I mean, the distractions will come in all kinds of different pretty packages. And as I stay sober longer, the as one of my sponsor says, the character defects just wear different little outfits.

They're much cuter. And um they shop at a wide variety of stores now. But the bottom line is is that I still get gangbanged by my character defects.

And I do not get them one at a time. Sorry. That's the way it is.

That's a little rude, Catherine. I know, but that's my sponsor rules really because she sort of has this attitude of what we joke about as having sort of a garden party sponsor. And they look at me and they look at Katherine and they go, "Catherine's your sponsor." And I'm like, "Yep." But they don't know that, you know, Katherine would carry around little a bottle of spot remover in her purse and, you know, would come near precoma sniffing that stuff.

And everyone else just thought that she was very clean. She was a very clean child. Spot remover.

I like that. Um, anyways, where was I? Drug, alcohol, rehab, whatever.

Got the meal, got sober, stayed sober, in and out, up and down, round and round we go. And in 1986, I stayed sober for what I thought was going to be the last time. And um, and I had a life beyond my wildest dreams, definitely.

And uh, and I worked with, you know, people. I went to meetings and I hit my knees and I read the big book and I sponsored people and I had sponsors and yep d and on and on we go. I know that's so annoying, you know, and I'm I don't even want to tell you what I do for a living, but I don't need a microphone, that's for sure.

Anyways, um so uh you know, and then the five most infamous words that I hear when people go out are I quit going to meetings. That's what I hear the most. Every now and then I hear, yeah, I don't know what happened.

And you know, I was going to meetings and I was hitting my knees and I was reading the big book and I was sponsoring people and I was going to commitments and I was and I just I got drunk and I go now inside I go, "Well, you're you're doomed. You're doomed." That's what I say inside. Either you're doomed or I'm doomed.

Cuz the thing is is that the program works perfectly. I mean, if you don't want to get sober, don't do the steps. Don't do the steps because you will recover.

I guarantee you it's terrifying. Ask anybody in this room. I mean, there's a lot of people, I bet you, in this room that didn't even think that we were an alcoholic.

They may have caught alcoholism when they came in here or they didn't think the steps were going to work for them or they didn't really think about it, but they probably had a sponsor that just said, "Just shut up and do it. Just shut up and do it. Just do this.

Do this. Wear a dress. Go here.

Pick them up. Call this." That's what I had. Don't think.

What? Are you crazy? Yes.

Don't think. Do. Just do just do what we say.

You know, I love I mean I love what Clancy says, you know, and I'm not a real big Clancy fan except when Clancy talks about himself. I love it when Clancy talks about himself. And you can take that to the bank wherever you are, Clancy.

But anyway, he came up the other a few years ago, whatever, and he really talked about the first three steps. And he talked about step one as being not that alcohol is my problem. And I don't know if if you're sitting there tonight and you think that alcohol and drugs are your problem.

For me, alcohol and drugs were not the problem. Alcohol and drugs truly were the solution. Alcohol and drugs truly gave me the promises.

You know, I no, you know, I I I did not need to shut the door, you know. I mean, I What are the promises again? We're if I'm painstaking, well, I was amazed before I was halfway through.

You know, I knew a new freedom and a new happiness. I could comprehend the word serenity. I knew peace.

I mean that that's what alcohol did for me for sure. No matter how far down the scale I'd gone, it didn't what what scale? I mean, I just drank past the scale.

But the fact is is that step one is about I can't get loaded. I can't drink and I can't get sober. That's the jumping off place.

If you're still successfully drinking, I don't know what you're doing here. And for me, it's got to hurt pretty bad. I mean, it's it's, you know, it's it's icy sharkinfested waters for me, you know.

It's it's what's the worst way to die? That's how I had a picture. And a sponsor when I was four years sober said to me, "What's the worst way to die?" Now, I don't know if I'm dramatic or whatever, but the first thing that came to my mind is being eaten alive by sharks.

I don't know why. And so what I think about is the boat's going down and there's one life preserver and the water the boat's going down in the middle of the day in the Mediterranean. The water's blue, warm, gorgeous, and Jeff and I are in the water and there's one life raft.

Now, I may be inclined to say something like, "By all means, Jeff, you take that life preserver. I'm good. I'm good.

I can swim. I'm just going to kick it here. I'm going to lull a while, wait for that rescue boat to come by.

Come on, work on my tan. You go for it." That's not what we're talking about. What we're talking about is like the boat's going down in the middle of the night in February in Alaska, right?

And I'm and the water's pitch black, dark, and I I'm swimming. I'm scared. I'm, you know, I'm tired, whatever.

And I feel this like tug on my foot, you know, and the foot doesn't come off, but the blood goes in the water. I said, "There's one shark, and there's some blood in the water." And what happens? Come on, clowns.

What happens? That's what I'm talking about. There's more sharks.

And so, now here's the other thing. Now, there's probably doctors and nurses. So, work with me on this whole physiological thing.

But is it not true that in the cold water, your blood rate is different than in the warm water? Your heart is pumping slower in the cold water? Okay.

So, my heart's pumping slower. My blood is bleeding out of me slower. It's going to take a longer time for me to go unconscious.

I'm feeling every tug, pull, whatever. I'm getting eaten alive. I'm feeling everything.

Now, you want to see me swim for that life preserver? I'll be like, "Later, Jeff." Right. And so when people say, "Oh, Samantha, she's she's she's like a Nazi about AA." I'm like, "I see shark infested waters.

That's how I do my program because I'll tell you a little bit of something about when I got seven almost seven years sobriety and I quit going to meetings, okay? And I was at a bar with my husband and a wonderful, you know, woman, best friend of mine, and they had never seen me drink, of course. And you know, you can tell someone who's never seen you drink, I'm an alcoholic, and it means like w means nothing to them, you know, and they're having we're having a conversation and we'd always had conversations.

I'm always the designated driver for 6 and a half years or something, you know. And I don't know what it is. I just reached over and picked up a half a glass of white Zinfendel and boink.

Now, I don't know about you, but you know, at that table it was like EF Hutton, you know, and my girlfriend reaches over to me and she pats me on the leg and she goes, "Well, good for you." Yeah. Now, I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what, where, when, I don't know nothing. But I know this.

From the bottom of my soul, pit of my stomach, I don't know, came a voice just like this. Here we go. And if for no other reason, if any no one gets anything out of this whole pitch tonight, I will remember.

Here we go. And for the next two years, I was arrested 11 times and put in three psych wards and ended up in Atlanta, Georgia, cuz I'm an alcoholic who slams methamphetamine. So, I'm a very busy alcoholic who gets nothing done and is incredibly scandalous and you know, and I love the people that get here with a job and, you know, a car and stuff.

No offense, I got to still work on that. I'm only 10. But um you know I I can't work when I'm drinking.

I can't I can't work. I can't you know so associate. I can't socialize.

I can't live. I have to drink. It's what I do.

And I do it scandalously and I have to do things that can continue my drinking habit which inquires breaking requires breaking the law. And I think I don't think I I just don't think with the bottom teeth I was good enough good-looking enough to really, you know, I remember one time I went to a dealer one time and I was like, "Hey, you know, can you hook me up?" And he's like, "No." He just sort of tossed me something like, "No, thanks." I'm like, "He should see me now." Anyway, see what the dentist can do. Um, it was a bad deal though.

It was a bad deal, man. And you know the psychwards with the five-point restraints and the whole nine yards, man. And I remember vaguely a scene in my head where there was five cops around my naked body in fivepoint restraints.

And one of them said something to the effect of and maybe was looking through a, you know, the little glass window at the hospital once they got me to the hospital said something to the effect of she looks like she looks like she could have been pretty or something to that effect, >> you know. And um that's that's icy shark infested waters. That's just for me.

That's where I go. I don't want to, you know, and um and that's my truth. And that in and of itself will not keep me sober.

No way. It's good to keep my memory green. I love what Susan said.

You know, she comes to meetings cuz this is where she gets the solution. This is where the medicine is served. This is where the meal is served.

This is where I get my dope. And if it weren't better this way, there's no way I would walk through life on life's terms at all. Pretty much, you know, I don't think it's just it's got to be better.

And I need a tool. I need some tools for living. And I don't want survival tools anymore.

I already know how to survive. I want some living tools. I want to learn how to live.

I already know how to survive. Tired of that, you know. I want to live.

And I remember the prayer I said in August of 95. And it was something to the effect of, "Look, mother, if you're not going to let me die, then you help me stop wanting to." Now, that was my prayer. If you're not going to let me kill myself, then help me stop wanting to cuz I got another probably 30 years on this planet and I'm not doing it like this.

And I have said that prayer many times in the last few years. You know, I don't know how to I still don't know how to do this. And I So I go to her and I say, I do not I can't I swear I can't do it anymore.

And a lot of it is I want to go now while I haven't done so much damage. like I've been a really good daughter and I've been a good um friend and a good sister and I've been a good employee, you know, and and I I just have this feeling that if you don't take me soon, I'm going to mess it all up. And a lot of that has to do with me learning how to wrap my arms around my humanness.

Because it appears to me that in my ninth and tth year of sobriety, I can forgive myself for things that I've done while getting loaded, but I can't forgive myself for things I've done in sobriety. And I love some of the people in the room that are nodding their head that I bet you have been sober longer than I have that are telling me that they understand cuz I can't tell, you know, I tell this to a shrink or something and I'm back in the fivepoint restraints pretty quick, you know. But to you, you're just like, "Oh, honey, sit down.

Go get a cup of coffee." What? Oh, your 35 days not smoking. Oh, sit down.

Light up. Give her a cigarette. Someone give her a cigarette.

It's like, you know, ah, I have spiritual chiropractors. I call them spiritual chiropractors. They just like crack me into alignment.

I'm like, ah, thank you. You know, it's not about you. Boom.

It's all about you. Boom. Selfish, self-centered fear.

It's the root of your problems. Boom. Oh, sweet.

Sweet. Okay. So, so here we are, you know, and um you know, and I and I never had it so good, no matter what I think really.

And um so I I got back to this program. I called, you know, doing all the crazy stuff I did and and finally in August that day, I I called someone who had been my sponsor previously and she said, "Get to Santa Barbara. Go to Santa Barbara.

There's a woman recovery home. Go there." And I did. And uh the the guy that sold me marijuana drove me all the way out.

God bless him. He used to say, "Why you got to drink like that? Why can't you just smoke pot?

And I thought, why can't I? I don't know. I don't know.

Still trying to figure that one out. Drove me all the way out from Atlanta, Georgia to California. Gave Kasa Serena 400 bucks to keep me.

That's something weird when your drug dealer kicks you out of the, you know, drives you out of the state. I don't know what that's all about. Anyway, um and I am chewing gum because I am I am I am 35 days not smoking and I really want to smoke so and I'll always like to smoke and that's the way that is.

And um so uh so I started my you know stay again whatever and I knew what it's like to be sober because I knew because I've been that way you know I've been that way before and here we go we start it and we do the deal and I'm very inappropriate and it's my middle name inappropriate and I get kicked out of Kasa Serena at 60 days and I couch surf and I stay sober and by this time I'm already within 60 days I'm well entrenched in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean I got I got it's like the mafia man. It's hard to get out.

It is. And I got people picking me up at 6:45 or the 6:45 meeting. It's really hard to at the 6:45 a.m.

meeting. And that's was my home group for the first three years of my sobriety. And I had people taking me there every morning, man, for that commitment.

And and uh you know, and I had some old-timers there that weren't afraid of me. And it really warmed my heart, you know, that I could sort of put my head down on the table and growl at people and they'd be just like, you know, you're really not that scary. You know, go get some water, Sammy.

You're really not that scary. And that's you know a lot of healing was taking place and um you know and I really had to do what the what the big book and the 12 and 12 talk about. You know, the 12 of 12 talks about who wants to admit complete defeat.

You know, practically no one. Of course, every natural instinct, a god-given instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness, you know, and it talks about the rapacious creditor. And the rapacious creditor for for me put a face and a relationship to this alcoholism.

and my rapacious creditor. And the visual that I see from my relationship with alcohol is that I am, you know, 90 lbs in the back of someone's garage in granny underwear with bruises all over me in the fetal position. And I haven't eaten or slept or taken a shower in 3 or 4 days.

And I hear these heavy, heavy footsteps walking up to the back door of this swinging screen door in the back room of someone's broken down garage. And there's a huge figure, a huge figure who is tall as he is wide with a trench coat and a 19 fedora, you know, 1940 fedora's hat on him. And he pounds he pounds on the door just like and I'm like, "Yeah, geez." You know, and I know who it is.

and you know and I and I avoid it and I avoid it and he you know and I finally just said, "What do you want? What do you want?" And he goes, "You know what I want?" And I go, "I I gave you everything. You got my my my car, my family, my job, my home, my clothes.

I mean, look at me. I I haven't eaten. I haven't slept.

What do you want? There's I have nothing." And he it's just like this little guttural laugh, you know, in the back of his throat, just like it's not what I'm talking about. Give it up.

Give me your dignity. Give me your integrity. Give me everything that's precious.

Give it up. You know what I'm talking about. Give it up.

And I say, you know, what do you say? Take it. Take it.

And so I have a relationship with this rapacious creditor. You know, and I have the girls I work with look up the word rapacious. Man, look it up.

What's it sound like? The first three letters, man. You know, it's excessively greedy.

It's voracious. It's this hand that comes out of my gut and goes, "Give me, give me, give me." That's my disease. Nice to meet you.

Hello. You know, and the 12 and 12 talks about the tyrant alcohol, you know, and that I'm screwed. The whole first step is about you're screwed, you're screwed, you're doomed, you're screwed.

Next, don't rest. I mean, if you're new and you're resting in the first step, there's no solution in the first step. The first step is you're SORRY.

That's a dollar. Oh, that felt good. First step is you're doomed.

You're done. And you're done. Now, let's get into the Now go rest in step two.

Go ahead. The rest of us sit in step two forever. You know that's you know don't stay in step one.

Step one defines the problem. I I'm powerless and unmanageable. Well I'm I'm screwed.

I can't get drunk. I can't get sober. Help.

Now we can come to believe that a power greater than oursel can restore us to sanity. And as clients you'll say step two is you know a sponsor. Sometimes you know it's like you know I know that step two is just like this sort of creative way to get around the God thing which I had no problem with God.

I hated him and that was that. No relationship. I want no relationship.

I can't be as good. I can't be that good. My sister was that good.

I can't be good. I could be a good bad a bad good. Really good bad girl, but I can't be good.

And if I can't be good, I can't be saved. So screw you two, you know. And I never got the whole message of grace, which the Lutheran church is just slammed with.

Grace, undeserved. No, you're not worthy. We love you anyways.

Ah, you're You're great. We love you. You're perfect.

You can never do good enough to be good enough. You're just I just you I love you. I I'm not a parent.

I don't even know if I can get that kind of love yet. I don't know. I'm trying.

But that those of you who are parents that have that for for kids like me, you know, I love you. I don't want you. My parents, my parents got into Allenon 22 years ago.

They are black belts. Families anonymous. Really?

Families anonymous saved their butt. And they are like world service reps and started meetings in Turkey and Greece. And they're just like on fire.

But they would stand at the door like, "Here, give us a clean urine sample and you can come in." No. Okay. Well, we're calling the police now.

You've stolen 16 of our credit cards. They're coming to get you. Bye-bye.

Now, I didn't know that my mom and dad and my dad especially cuz me and my dad are can't even talk about. It's probably Freudianly unhealthy. But anyway, my pops is my man.

He's my hero and and and he I know was racked with the pain of seeing his daughter in orange, you know, many times. High security, you know, I'm his baby girl, you know, and uh but they saved my life. They saved my life.

Hands down. Do whatever you want to do, but don't do it here. Don't do it here.

Goodbye. We love you. Goodbye.

You know, saved my life. So, my sobriety has been a series of surreners and rededications over and over and over. And I imagine that as long as I stay starving, which means I stay in the herd.

It's very hard to get picked off in the middle of the herd. It's very difficult. You watch the Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel, you know, and you you see, you know, you see the the gazels or whatever move from watering hole to watering hole and they stay in a pack, man.

You know, the stragglers, they're nailed. They get picked off. Stragglers get picked off.

I'm so in the middle of the herd. I It's difficult for me to get out. You know, I started going back to school and I started just getting good at going back to school.

you know, and all of a sudden I was done with City College and I went on to the big kids school and I got done with doing that and, you know, had some money that was given to me as a scholarship and, you know, and I I decided, you know, I I didn't really know what to do and I decided to go to law school. I don't know, cuz just like a lot of people seem to be hiding out in law school. Why not?

I knew a little bit about the law and I remember asking Dano, you know, what kind of my ex-husband, I remember asking, "What kind of law do you think I should practice?" He's like criminal Avi. I don't know. But uh you know, so I just started doing this and I did it the same way I did everything else.

And I'm telling you, in my second or third year of law school, I I was really hurting, man. I was going through a divorce and it was very very painful and very shaming. And the my ex-husband and I were sort of, you know, I don't know.

I don't know if we were high-profile couple, but we worked a lot with with a lot of people and a lot of young kids and uh and uh and it was always Sam and Dan and Danny and Sam and Sammy and Dan and Dan and Sam and Sam and Dan. Jesus God. And and uh you know when um and he's a wonderful man and you know and and a lot of my awarenesses come from a process that that I won't get into, but I'm just going to say it this the the awarenesses that I've gotten the last three years.

This was one in particular. I no longer am willing to spray paint my red flags green. >> >> You know that feeling that you go maybe you go to like shake somebody's hand, you know, and and and you go, "That ain't red cuz this is the job of my dreams and I've never made so much money and I'm going to, you know, hear that one." And then just watch like as the bodies fall in the wake a year later or some crazy stuff.

I am no longer willing to spray paint my red flags green. It's it's it's a awareness that is so valuable that you must understand the price I paid for that lesson. And that's what these lessons have been at least the last 3 years of my sobriety about emotional sobriety of which I I'm so glad they don't give chips.

I mean, they'd have to give like 10-minute chips for emotional sobriety for me. I got 10 minutes. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

You know what I mean? She got it. She's good.

10 minutes. She's good. She's got to do I don't know when that equals out.

I really don't, you know, I don't know. I don't know. But, um, I only got a couple minutes here, but I I just I guess the the the biggest gifts that I can do is running through these steps, you know, is is the ability to learn to live in a way where I am am constantly being realigned.

Constantly being realigned. And that could be painful. Now, why it is I can't rest in the alignment for more than however long it is, that's not really for me to figure out.

But I am being constantly realigned. And that is an amazing process for me. It really is, you know, and through step two is as as you know, as I say, if if you find someone who's doing better than you, then they might be a power greater than you for that minute.

So that's step two. Find somebody who's doing better than you are. And then here's step three.

Just do what they say. Just do what they say. And if you got a lot of bright ideas, it's going to be hard to do what they say.

Okay? And the fourth step ain't nothing. The four steps, you know, whatever.

I mean, the four steps there. The four steps, the fourth step. And here's all your stuff.

Here's the stuff you drank behind. The fourth step's nothing compared to the sixth step. The sixth step's the The sixstep's all about now that I've identified everything that's kept me alive for the last 40 years.

Why don't you just go ahead and take that God? Oh, you take it all. Oh, I don't want that.

That armor, that nasty old piece of armor that saved my life. You take it. But come on, please.

And now I get this year. This year, this is the awareness for step six. You know what my character defects are?

It's none of my business. It's none of my business what my character defects are. And it's none of my business when they're going to get removed.

And my prayer on my knees, I have this joke with my girls. I can't get down because the skirt's too tight, but I would show you if it wasn't. The third step prayer for those of us who are newer is like on our knees.

Please God, I offer myself to thee. Whatever you want. And for those of us at least that are 10 years, it's it's like this.

Please God, please. That's my third step prayer at 10:00. I don't know what it's going to be at 11:00, but life is good.

This was a wonderful process for me to come down and share with you guys. You know, I have carried the message. I have um hopefully shown you guys that this is a the woman that stands before you is not the woman that came into these rooms 10 years ago.

um that if it weren't for people like you and rooms like this and the steps and the fellowship, the whole package deal, you know, I might have missed all of this and I'm so grateful. Thanks for having me. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day. >>